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|aaron (profile) wrote, |
on 4-17-2008 at 10:51pm
|He never grows weary. He never let's up. He is never defeated. Time and time again I drive him back, chain him down, and run as hard as my legs can allow.
How are you one step ahead of me? How can you keep your breath?
And though I fall, I am not fallen. Though death seizes me, I do not die. Though I am struck, my body is whole.
I am so weary of fighting him. I want him to just die...but he is me?
Who is more myself? The zealous, devout, vengeful Lazarus? The indulgent, kniving, amiable Aaron? Both with virtue, both with vice. Never at peace. Always at odds.
Hope is an odd thing..."Come all you weary, lay down your loads."
Grace odder still. I am so grateful for all that I have, for the chance to fight this way, to see things from this vantage point.
I don't know where this is going.
I'm sorry? This is an apology. I've disgraced myself and my friends. Those dearest, those I've told I would guard. Time and time again I betray my intentions. But He is there, always beckoning, always welcoming, despite my flaws. I'm going to go to him now, when I feel most useless.
"The Lion's outside of your door, the Wolf's in your bed. The Lion's claws are sharpened for war, the Wolf's teeth are red."
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I'm trying to think of something to say that doesn't sound stupid or ridiculous.
But here it goes...
If the other piece of you 'Aaron' was dead, half of you would be dead also. Everyone has another piece of them that they always at war with. But without that other piece, how would we be able to grow into ourselves? How would we learn if there wasn't some sort of hardship in the way? God gave humans free will, ya know? And satan is constantly trying to take that free will away. We have fight it, everyday and somedays we win and somedays we lose. It's the days that we lose that we realize how much energy it takes fight. God doesn't stop loving us if we lose, He loves us more. So sometimes I guess we just have to deal with the fact that we may never beat that other half inside of us but we have to welcome them into our heart anyway because they're a part of who we are, whether we like it or not. Now that doesn't mean we have to act on their impulses and such. But if we welcome them inside, we spend less time fighting and more time on growing in God and growing in His love.
It's complicated and I know I'm not the best at explaining things but at one point you just have to stop fighting, knowing you can't win and only God can. You gave Him your heart and He's going to do everything within His power to hold onto it and keep it because of how much He loves you.
On that same token, we just have to show our other half the same love. Just tell them it's okay they aren't perfect but we'll show them love and mercy anyway because that's what He did for us so we should probably do the same for ourselves.
As I said, it's long and confusing to explain. I read about it in a book just recently... but yeah. Wow. Now I'm starting to think about taking my own advice... which is a good thing.
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Paul! It's me!
I made a new journal... cause I could.
So I won't be anonymous anymore... yay!
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