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squallet (profile) wrote,
on 9-24-2012 at 7:12pm
Current mood: numb
Music: "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by The Offspring
Subject: This volume is already at max? Fuck.
Woohu... It's been too long. o.o;

I've decided that I really need to come back and start ranting here again. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my issues and all of that crap. Talking to people just ends up somehow making things more complicated in the long run. Not only then do you have an audience that you need to keep up to date, but then you have to deal with all of their insignificant judgments. It's easier to just rant to an empty text field on the interwebs. -nod-

Issue number one. I feel like the lowest piece of shit on the planet. Why? Because I probably AM the lowest piece of shit on the planet. >.>;; I've been trying to tell myself that I need to do what makes me happy and learn not to care what other people say about my choices, but when there's so much negativity around, how does one simply block it all out? o.o

For the past year and a half or so, I was in a relationship with this great guy. And by great guy, I don't just mean that he was some nice guy. I mean that he was the most amazing person - the type of person I would be LUCKY to marry someday and the kind of guy I could see raising my future kids.

Well, the point is, we had a great beginning, and then shit all started going wrong for us. Unfortunately, despite the amazing qualities he had, which I consider the important ones (honest, faithful, kind, compassionate, understanding, fun, etc.), he also had a few that wore more on my nerves every day (irresponsible, immature, annoying, etc.).

Suddenly, things that never mattered to me before, like financial security and being responsible and holding a decent job, were suddenly becoming qualities that I wished he possessed. Then again, with him living in my parent's apartment with me and me paying for everything for him with my shitty part time job, of course things changed. I'd never taken care of someone like that before... I was tired of feeling like he was my child and not my boyfriend.

Still... I feel like the most horrible person in the world for ending things with him. Even now, after a decent amount of time has passed and many sob sessions later, I still feel like shit. Especially knowing that he was seriously planning on proposing, and how involved we'd become in each other's lives...

Anger is the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears right now. And good music. Music helps. xD I'm so emotionally exhausted. And I'm just sick with myself for the things I've done. So no, I really don't need other people telling me how much of a fuck up I am. Trust me, I already know. >.>;

So now I've been seeing this other guy, but it's been complicated since day one. And to be honest, I'm sick of complication. Things with with my ex were so easy and came so naturally. We just started, and already I'm thinking that I should just end it. I don't know. I'm so dysfunctional... And my ex still being in the picture and constantly hitting on me now and trying to get back with me isn't helping any.

God, I fucking hate people. I just wish I could get away from everyone. I haven't been in one of these moods for a long time. I used to be so antisocial, and then suddenly, I was always out hanging out with friends and going on dates and... When the hell did I become such a social person?

Well, now I feel like reverting back to the antisocial me. At least for now. Things were so much easier when I was with my ex. It's like I'm just now noticing how much ending our relationship has kind of killed the me I was starting to get used to... I liked who I was with him. Yeah, I wasn't really going anywhere career-wise and I wasn't accomplishing the goals I really wanted to, but I liked myself as a PERSON for the first time in a long time. Now, I don't really like ANYTHING about me.

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09-25-12 5:42pm

a year and a half is a long time. after that long, it's going to come easier than anything else. and you still seem attached to him, and he's obviously still into you. so, maybe this can be the incentive he needs to get his shit together and grow up. or maybe he never will. but the door's not necessarily shut yet. just a wake up call for both parties involved.

complicated rebound guy sounds like a bad job, either way.

being angry, social, antisocial, happy, sad, etc. are all emotions that everyone experiences. best thing to do is strive for a good balance. none of them define who you are as a person, thus they cannot make you a 'bad' person. as long as you're just a person, doing the best they can with what they have, then you can't possibly be an awful human being. it's just the nature of peopledom.

you're gonna feel stuff. that doesn't change. the tricky part is stopping those feelings (largely based on the input of others) from dictating your behavior and perceived self-worth.

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