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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 5-31-2014 at 5:40pm
Subject: heads we will, tails we'll try again
Do you believe in the universe? Soul mates? Or do you believe that we make choices that determine our destiny and we could be with anyone we tolerated as long as we worked at it?

When do you give up trying to find a reason and let it be?

I'm not sure what I believe.

Most of the time we're able to get over our exes right? I mean I've had ex-boyfriends, intense crushes, etc. and been able to get over them, it takes awhile sure but I've managed.

Not this one though.

Which is why I'm confused if it's just me or if it's the universe. Part of me wants to say universe so then I'll have an excuse but the other part of me says that it's me which makes me feel guilty.

We hadn't talked for 6 months, around Christmas time we had a huge blow out. We've talked off and on for the past four years, we were something at one point but then I expected too much. He expected too much and we hit rocky road since then.

He's been on my mind a lot lately. Not in a bad way. Just in a I care about him way because I deeply truly do. I honestly don't think I've cared about a person more than him.
Every once and awhile a thought will cross my mind to get back in contact with him but then it passes and I think nothing of it.

Except this past weekend. I felt like I needed to reach out.

So I did.

And I don't know what to do. Because he's changed, for the better so far. So have I.

He tells me no expectations, just friends exploring life together and we'll see how it goes.

He loves me for me. He doesn't say it directly but he does between the lines.
He calls me. Which never happened when we were a "thing".

Tangent. He's married.

It's either really dysfunctional or we're meant to be.

We've never met in person. We've talked, skyped, texted, all of that.

I'm so unsure.

But then part of me is whispering take a chance, open yourself up and see where it takes you.

No expectations.

We're friends.

I can live with that.

He's changed. I've changed. And as I told him earlier, the reason I think our friendship is finally working is because we've both reached a point in our lives where we've become independent people who don't need each other but who enjoy talking with each other and being in each others lives.

I give up trying to figure it out.

It is what it is. And I'm glad he's back in my life. Because he means a lot to me, as a person.

Universe, you win this one. I fold. I'll let what happens, happen.
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06-01-14 1:07pm

That might be for the best. When someone is in a serious relationship, regardless of whether you have feelings for them, putting them in the position to choose isn't really fair to them. They perhaps may want your friendship, but they made their forever with this other individual. To take one of those away from them for your own imagined relationship is silly. I've been in the position from a serious relationship standpoint. I always chose the relationship. I have also seen it from "the other woman" standpoint and, again, until they started having problems, he didn't express similar feelings. And I did cause problems between them. I felt despicable for it and in the end, that didn't turn into anything I'd hoped it would.

As far as the universe goes, I don't believe in fate or God's Plan or anything like that. You make your own choices, they lead to happiness or despair. And you continue on. This belief, though straight forward, sucks because everything is your responsibility and your fault. All of your failures are yours and yours alone. You no longer have the crutch that religion allows... unfortunately. And likewise, you never feel like it's "meant to be," it is merely the way things are, as you've made them that way. Not quite as glamorous. But then, when you make the choices that lead to happiness, you made your future happy. So there's that...

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