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tuwang (profile) wrote,
on 7-1-2014 at 3:02am
I will start this post by pointing out that I typed in my username and password for woohu without flinching even though it's been saved in my computer for 5 years (just built a new PC). I think that says something.

me references will be in italics. ;)

I will continue by saying that I miss me. I'm not entirely sure I know what me is anymore, but I'm pretty sure I miss it. As a disclaimer I will say that none of this is meant to be sad or foreboding in three at all. Just a rant.

I have this notion that any sense of self I had is gone with all the hobbies I used to have.

I understand that being 27 it is a totally normal thing to be unsure of direction and/or choice, what the fuck am I doing?

I had all these plans to do these big things (that weren't one-hundred percent attainable) and now here I am, a cog in the machine.

If I'm going to live in these conditions, I wish I was a teacher at least. At least then I might have the comfort of knowing I'm doing something for the future and our youth whether or not they give a shit (and usually I can't blame them if not).

I reflect sometimes and honestly feel like it's deserved. I've done many things that have warranted my conundrum. So self deprecating I is.

But then there's the other side. Considering I'm with a mother who's in a perpetual mental breakdown and a father who will hate you if the wind changes direction: I'm alive, I eat, I drink, I'm typing on a computer; things can't be that bad.

I almost blame my raising. The raising involving America being the best and being privileged just to be involved. I don't think it's the same anymore. We're not the best. I will soon be a part of a motion picture that someone in Sweden will watch and say "man, I'm glad I live here and not there regardless of how entertaining this drama is". Does that make sense? Basically I have a notion that we will soon be portrayed as less than first world. Not that less than first world is less than anything but... whatever this isn't the point.

My point is all I do is reminisce. I reminisce about times when I didn't have to think so much. I reminisce about the people who made thinking optional at most. I reminisce about love gone, love I wasted, love I should have valued. I was so carefree I felt like love was water; the most abundant of resources.

Now I'm aware; and too much so. I have a perspective of things I've done, things I'm doing, and things I will do. This is equal parts frustrating and enlightening. Equal parts "I want to apologize to everyone" and "want to stand my ground". If I hadn't made the shitty choices I've made in the past, I wouldn't be so enlightened but I wish I could go back and at the least prevent them or remake them.

I've been told by some of the people I love most that I'm not good enough for anything that is normal a lot of my life, when I was young and still today, and this has been the basis of my relationships since I was a tweenager (this is the only word in this post with a red scribble underneath it as I'm typing and I'm proud of that). I shouldn't have said that because now another mistake will be pointed out.

With this said, All i want is to know what I want. I want to know what is wantable. Is there something I should want? Want want want. Need Need Need.

That is all for tonight. Again, just a rant. Have a good night.
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07-05-14 9:58am

amen sister. sort of.

in order to even have a chance at being content with wherever we are in life, we need to accept all of the things - good AND bad - that led us to that point. without those mistakes and regrets, we wouldn't be right here right now. and it is important to be objective and honest with ourselves when assessing how good right here right now actually is.

i'm 27, and i'm living in my dad's basement. i am not paying rent. i barely pay for my own food. i have a bachelor's degree, and yet i make $10 an hour shoveling concrete for 10 hours a day. it doesn't seem right, or fair, that i should be destined to become such a complete loser.

but it doesn't matter. i can be content with right now. i'm alive. i'm covered, for the moment. this is not forever. i got a car! i'm sober, which is a miracle in and of itself. i get to change. i get to rebuild myself. i get to get better. one day at a time.

i don't know if you realize just how envious of you i am/was that you got to do all this traveling, learn a bunch of different languages, meet all these new people. it was not cool being inside the machine, looking out at all my successful friends running free, any more than it was fun to watch all my successful friends climbing the ladder to the top of the machine, while i sat outside because i wasn't good enough or tall enough or smart enough or fast enough to ride the ride. and it's all bullshit. it's just your ego trying to tell you that you suck. the ego will feed you lies upon lies upon lies, and for some reason they seem more plausible - i guess because they're coming from within.

don't listen. they're lies. you're fine. i'm fine. let's allow our hearts to sing the song of their people.

okay, that last just made it sound gay. i'm sorry. but you get my point.

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