We were
Silent
In a sea of your hair,
Soft like leaves from grape vines,
Sweet like the smell
Of pulpy fig flesh.
Secreted away, nestled
In labyrinthine embraces
Of pomegranate rind
I found your fingers
In the vast orchard
That felt no warmth
Before your heat
::
2008 10 September :: 12.13am
:: Mood: bored to tears
:: Music: The Raconteurs - Consoler of the Lonely
If you're looking for an accomplice...
The other day I was sitting there thinking about how it's almost January again, and how it'll be almost a year since I've come back home. January 4th, 2008, the day I left my heart behind in Manila. I was remembering how I was sitting there at the edge of the bed at the Traveller's Inn, all dressed and packed, and wondering what the hell I was doing, going back home. I remember Jay telling me do the right thing.
So now I'm back in school, and so's Jay. And he's got a great job at a great agency, earning a darling penny for his efforts. What's more, in January he's due for a raise. His family lives in peace. His brother's wife is pregnant again, and things seem to be going well.
I make do with where I am, too. I choose my fights, get my way most of the time, and have a lot of free time. I get to play video games, read books and make charmingly disturbing art. When I talk to my friends at AUD, and these are people I haven't seen in almost 2 years mind, they seem dull and lifeless now. They seem to be standing in the same places I left them standing when I left AUD back then, and I feel like I'm looking at them from way down the line.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, when I came back almost a year ago, I was expecting things to be different, but that all things considered, this isn't so bad either. I guess what I'm trying to say is I have my goals, and I have my life experiences, and I have tons of memories from my big crusade. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if it's almost January, then I have about a year to go before I can graduate and go back to where I left my heart.
With August's final hellish bellows, I found you,
Fingernails thicks with loam, hands and knees strained and filthy
With answers to neglected questions she left in your untended fields.
We spent the night searching the cool air for its sweetest scents.
I remained
In harsh Midwestern winter we tread clumsily,
Like feet asleep, across each other's tender knuckles.
In the field we dug trenches just to smell fresh earth.
At night I washed our hands in bleach to watch the stains fade.
We continued
Filling our trench with smoke and silence,
I unwrapped your bandages for months, scraping away old blood
As I swelled with my own forgotten cells until my cracked hands grew blurry
And in the harsh white light of your dim room I screamed at your nakedness.
::
2008 11 August :: 2.12pm
:: Music: Bloc Party - Kreuzberg
I have decided at 25, that something must change.
I feel less and less like a human and more and more like a series of words on a white page as time goes on. Most of the people I truly care about are people I don't ever get to see. Instead, these are people I keep in touch with through emails, chat windows and the odd phone call now and then. So to them, that's exactly what I must be; a series of words on a white page. If that's how the people that matter the most see you, doesn't that define who you are at a certain point?
::
2008 9 June :: 10.24pm
:: Music: Sarah Blasko - Queen of Apology
If you close your eyes and tilt your head all the way back and your neck is at a right angle to your shoulders, you'll be able to fill your head with dreams, like dipping a bottle into a stream. You'll find the dream world full of colours and shapes if you do this twice a week.
The Envy Corps - Party Dress
Whatcha gonna do when the walls burn down?
Whatcha gonna do when the black ash flies from your mouth?
My head had forgotten what my hand had done,
But I could not imagine such frightening fun as dying.
Try as we might, this is a waste of time.
Tongues of hell drip with a four beat count
Fizzing up the sedatives that flew into my mouth like locusts.
You could see the flames if they weren't so colorless.
You could feel the heat from my silk sharp dress as it flowed on and on and on.
If you weren't so precious, I'd have said "Off with your head"
venus was a fly trap
the man you loved devoured
i used to dream about your sister
standing in the shower
but i was never cool
you thought i was a cowboy
i wonder where my gun is
can you spare a bullet, senorita?
i will always be the worst
generation X-wing
that's got to be the death star
i used to dream about the future
i used to dream about a lot of things
but i was never cool
so you can call me loser
yeah, you can call me
anything you want to, senorita
i will always be the worst
help me up with
a pair of wings
a little rope
all those things
she always said i'd find the cure for cancer
i read my horoscope but i just can't pull it off alone
Senior thesis statement
"Arab American men and women developed complicated gender identities based around combating Arab stereotypes and their consequent desire to assimilate to American culture. This was accomplished by still maintaining a strong Arab identity through using American institutions as vehicles for Arab purposes."
Research being conducted in Dearborn and at Naff Arab American Archives in Washington DC.
i can tell you how this ends
i think the high price of gas is GREAT!
people are supposedly driving less and less, which means a decrease in pollution, noise, congestion, and isolation behind metal and plastic encasing.
a latency effect is an increase in social contact and interaction. perhaps more human touch. more exercise. more cooperation.
of course, it could also bring about a lot of crime. a lot of anxiety, depression, frustration.
this is a really interesting situation and time to be alive. it's exciting. things are happening. let's see what the fuck we can come up with to destroy or save ourselves.
::
2008 20 May :: 2.44pm
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Radiohead - Jigsaw Fallin Into Place
I went to AUK this morning and took a placement exam. Then I registered for three summer courses. One of them I don't really want to take, but I registered for it in case the class I DO want to take won't accept. I am currently trying to kiss enough ass to overload into it.
I like the idea of going back to school. I've missed being a student while I was gone and I'm really looking forward to having something productive and stimulating to do. Besides, this'll force me to practice my graphic design stuff so I can have a bigger better portfolio for it at the end of these next two years.
I'm also thinking I'm gonna minor in English Lit. It'll give me an edge so that when I apply to agencies, I can apply as not only an Art Director, but an Art Director/Copywriter, a position coveted by many and desperately sought out. Or so I'm told.
I saw a third of my high school just walking around campus. Some of them said hi when they recognized who I was, others walked by me like they'd never seen me before, probably because they didn't recognize me at all. It's kind of depressing that it's the same faces again, but on the other hand, at least I know what I'm up against. Whenever they ask me where the hell I've been I just say I took a year and a half off and did some travelling. It seems to pass as a plausible explanation, and it's close enough to the truth that I don't have to watch out for my eye-twitch - or the contemptuous smile that comes with it.
