i know i'm updating a lot, but there's really nothing else for me to do.

i've been crying a lot lately. and it's all justified crying, there are reasons.. i have all this sad stuck in my throat. and i have nowhere to let it out.

i want it to be spring. i'm so done with all the snow and the bitter cold and the death. i just want to see the sun come out and melt all the pain out of my life. i want to go back to the way it was in seattle before all the bad happened. i want to live my whole life at the same time.. not in this bullshit linear path. i just want to put a tape in of the happy times and play it on repeat so i would never have to see the sad again.

it's beautiful out today. the sun is shining and the snow is melting. and i saw some birds out there too. i just.. i had a really bad time at new years and it was all my fault.

i want to talk about some choices i've made. they aren't life altering in any way.. just little choices that make me sit back and think.. "wtf was I thinking" and "Is that really me?" I feel like i'm a no body now. a non-entity. i'm bland and flavorless...

and i want to talk to someone about it.
but no one will understand.
and no one will be ok with everything i've done.

i've really shut myself into a cage. backed into a corner.. i'm the lemming heading to the cliff. and no one can save me..

and i want to be saved so badly.

i wish every fight wasn't my fault.
i wish for once someone would run after me when i run away.
there is nothing in the world i have ever wanted more than to be worth fighting for..

but.. i'll be ok. i'll learn to live with it. someday it won't be my fault that feelings were hurt. and when i leave crying someone will chase me and ask to wait. and hold me.

and then i can feel happy. and important.

and this is exactly the reason why i'm not romantic anymore. because i know it won't happen. and i know that romantic things don't happen. and i'd rather not disappoint myself anymore with idol thoughts of what love should be like..

who did i get so bitter? jesus.

i'm rambling. and i'm babbling. and i just want to have my brain shut up for five minutes so i can enjoy the little i have. instead of what i don't...

god this is bad.

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