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Tainted Heart, Broken Wings

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:: 2004 24 August :: 8.35 pm

I <3 doing quizes ^^
Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...mysterious
Your hugs are...gentle
Your eyes...burn into my heart
Your touch is...awakening my heart
Your smell is...exotic
Your smile is...entrancing
Your love is...unique
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:Machete
Your Favorite Target:Hospital workers
Your Kill Count:216,671,748
Your Battle Cry:"I enjoy cheese."
Years You Spend in Jail:2
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:$256,882,058,697,679
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 24%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
The quality that most appeals to you:Spiritual Advancement
In a survival situation, you:Run like hell
Your hidden talent is:A beautiful mind
Your gift is:Irresistible attractiveness
In groups, you:Blend in
Your best quality is:Your indomitable will
Your weakness is:Your furious temper
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
How will you commit suicide?You will slash your throat
How many tries will it take?88
When will you commit suicide?December 13, 2015
What will your suicide note say?"Mother, Father .. where did we go wrong?"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Hair:Never stays the same style/colour for long.
Clothes:Long, super cool trenchcoats.
Powers:Dragon taming
Special Features:Wolf ears and tail
Sidekick:An alternate personality, that on occasion takes on its own physical form.
Attitude:Psychotic and damn proud.
Weapon:Power glove
Quiz created with MemeGen!


Theme songs of your life
by eponine
your name?
love song:your song - elton john
depressing song:goobye to you - michelle branch
party song:what i like about you - lillix
what-the-hell-ever song:iris - the goo goo dolls
your lifegoodbye yellow brick road - elton john
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Life: The Movie
by mintyduck
Who will play you:Sigourney Weaver
Who will play your love interest:Julianne Moore
Weeks you will stay in the box office:11
Song that will play during your love scene:Kylie Minogue - Love at First Sight
Song that will play during your death:Simon and Garfunkel - Sound of Silence
Your name:
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 23 August :: 5.43 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: My Immortal; Evanescence

Depression, Obsession and Love.
I really don't know why I feel the way I do. Maybe it's just my random PMS moodswings, but maybe not. I'm just really depressed. Sure, I made friends here.. and I can really confide in most of them, but I miss the old people. The people I knew I could place my secerets in and knew they would be safe and never told to anyone.

Kalyanee.. Kelsea.. Jocelyn. Joe and Morgan, too. I came to realization that Kristin was the only one behind that whole.. situation. And what's more is she's just.. I dunno if 'using' would be the correct term but eh. She's going around kissing and making out with Amanda and totally breaking the trust she and Morgan have. I'd hate to know that the person I love and gave myself up to turned out to be a complete and total bitch. But, who am I to judge?

I'm sorry Jocelyn, I don't mean to make you upset. You know you'll never lose me to anyone. You're a very special person and I think deep down inside you know that. You're so talented and you have alot of things going for you, don't ruin your chances with Sharon or with anybody else. They can love you more than I can with my current situation. And I mean physically.. not emotionally.

And to Kalyanee, my dear.. ::chuckles:: What can I say? There are no words to say what a damper this has put on our friendship! But continue to be strong for me, okay? And when we grow up, I'll take you up on that offer to move to Japan. Keep up your magnificent artistic ability, you'll get paid handsomely in your future if you keep at it. Love you so much!

Finally, Kelsea.. You're my Twin. We got all the Twintastic powers down and you know what I mean by that XDD Try not to kill Joeseph? At least not until you come up with a way to make it look like an 'accident'. I hope things work out alright for you and DJ.

And to everyone else, I love you all. You, too, Joe! You've been the best (and in some cases worse) to me. I've learned from my mistakes.. or I've tried to, anyways. There will never be anybody like you guys in the world! I'm so glad we moved to Florida, or else I would have never met you.. I guess fate is truely a mysterious Mistress.

I love you as well my sister wolfen, Crystal.

And to my vampire lover, I love you with the unchained depths of my soul.

I will try to spread my wings and fly. Thanks for being there on the way to help me when I fell.

You'rs always and forever,
Little Dark Child

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 22 August :: 11.31 am

Otaku quizzes..

theOtaku.com: What Personality Do You Have?

theOtaku.com: What Wolf Are You?

theOtaku.com: The Anime Friendship Quiz
The Outlawstarishness.. ^^

AW DAMMIT! Curse Mojo and Yue for being right about this..

theOtaku.com: What .hack//SIGN Character Are You?

theOtaku.com: What is Your Outlaw Star Personality Disorder?

theOtaku.com: What Ninja Class Are You?

I think I should make an Inuyasha quiz... hm.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 20 August :: 6.41 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

Quite frankly pissed.
I am so pissed off right now. Guess who just called? Well, I'll give you a hint. His name starts with 'S' and ends in 'am'.

S:"Is Alexa there?"
A:"There is her, who's this?"
A:"Oh, hey."
~Moment of awkward silence~
S:"So do you go out with that kid?"
A:"..yeeeaa.. why?"
S:"No reason."
A:"He said you were pissed off at me. Are you?"
S:"I'm not pissed off, I just think it's messed up what you and KB did to me and CJ."
~More awkward silence~
S:"Youd on't think that's messed up?"
A:*not really paying attention*"What?"
S:"Why did KB do that to CJ?"
A:"Well, if I had a boyfriend who, whenever I called never picked up the phone and answered and then two minutes later the answer was changed but he somehow couldn't manage to pick it up, I'd be pretty pissed off too."
S:"Wasn't that dude goin out with Kasey?"
A:"Yea, but they didn't like each other that much."
A:"I don't know, they just didn't."
~More awkward silence~
S:"Why do you think I'm creepy?"
A:"Who told you that?"
A:"Well, I do a little bit. I mean, you just sit there and stare and never say anything. And you can't tell me that's not creepy."
S:"It's not. There's too many people around."
A:"A relationship is based off of talking, not just staring at each other. It needs to be based off of communication and I don't think ours or KB's and CJ's consisted of that."
S:"Well, I gotta go."
A:"I'm sure you do."*sarcasm*
A:*hangs up phone* "Mother fucker."

And that was te lovely conversation.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 18 August :: 5.36 pm

I found this in Mojo's journal.. I decided to try it O.O;

Your Final Fantasy Life by Hour_of_Scarlet
Your FaceYou have beautiful, teal eyes that are to die for.
Your HairYou have beautiful, long, black hair.
Your Body StructureYou have the perfect mix between a masculine and feminine bone structure.
Your ClothingYour clothes are somewhat tattered, and torn.
Your WeaponYou manage to carry a sword twice your weight, and furthermore, use it!
Your Special AbilitiesYou know lots of martial arts techniques. Was it up, down, left, right?
Your PersonalityTeehee. You're the happy-go-lucky person.
Your Best FriendYou want one, but you don't do so well around people.
Your BackroundYour father was ashamed of you, so he abondoned you, and you managed to raise yourself in the jungle.
Good or BadYou're good, but you're cool about it.
Gil Amount9,012,345
Quiz created with MemeGen!

For the most part it's right except for the black hair thingy, mine is brown and usually long. But I cut it so, you know.

Here are my friends (not like you care):
KB-Kristin Baty. Goth girl that was smiling at me in the halls. Spent the weekend over her house and got a sinus infection 'cause of her cats. Also did some other stuff that isn't really worth mentioning.

Chris S- Pervert I sit with in homeroom. I think he likes me.. but, er.. too perverted for me.

Chris George- Awesome skater dude! He helps me in computers when I don't know what the fudge is going on. He likes HIM and reminds me of Sharon.

Kasey- All I have to say is.. "Kasey's mom's got it goin on!"

Shannon-First friend ^^;

Jesse- She sits next to me in Science. Awesome pants, chika.

Trevor- Senior in Art with me.. he scares me sometimes, but he makes me laugh.

Sam-Overly obsessive midget. Annoying person who stays on the phone and will probably say the completion of 5 sentences in 7 hours.

Will- Aw! Thanks for letting me sit with you al lunch! I <3 you, Homie!

CJ-Creepy, to say the least.

And uh.. that's it, I think. I think.


MOJO! I <3 you FOREVER!!!

5 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 2 August :: 6.04 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Crawling (Reanimation); Linkin Park

First day of-a Highschool.
Oh, the joys of being a freshman, letting all of the seniors step all over you. I've heard the horror stories, but truthfully, here, the seniors aren't bad. At least I don't get things chucked at me. Actually, the ones I met were really nice and funny too, XD

The day got off to a pretty bad start. The homeroom teacher didn't have my schedule, so I had to go up to the office. WELL, there was a line the size of the Wall of China. I ended up sitting in the library from 8:30 to 11 something waiting just to get my schedule. And then I didn't know my bus number..

Erk.. and then I spent lunch alone. Until some senior and a few of his friends livened it up. He was a funny man XD Uhm.. and then this hot skater dude kept checking me out in computers.. Chris George. He was hawt.

Walking out to the bus, I saw this girl. She was REALLY pretty with short hair and.. she was just really, really beautiful. Son't think of me as weird, but she was smiling at me and I felt all frozen. I smiled at her, my heart skipped a beat and we passed each other. It was an experience all right O.O; The second bus load hadn't gotten there yet so I stood in the cafeteria waiting fro her to come in but she didn't.. and I was kind of disappointed. But you know, I'm not a freak or anything! Heheheh..

Anyways, then this girl and her friend were standing near me and I turned to look at her and she just started talking to me. I was.. shocked, to say the least. Her nickname is Elliot, her real name was like Shey or something like that. She's a really nice girl and the goth girl in the hall was her friend. She's obsessed with people from Maryland and her favorite colours are black and red (like mine!). Best of all, Elliot rides my bus!! ::happyhappy::

I got home, bitched about having to wait three hours to get a schedule they could have printed and given me in less than 2 minutes, talking about the stranger.. and went upstairs where I now sit lounging, banging my head against the desk because.. it's fun.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 1 August :: 2.39 pm

Pictures ^_^ Of me, of course.

This was Spirit day at school.. Me(the red head) and Kelsea, my Twin. Technically I was supposed to wear SILVER and black. But I like red better ^^

The full version of my hair-cut, Dixie is asleep on the couch, the brat.

The close-up of my hair ^^

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 29 July :: 10.23 pm
:: Mood: tired

Grr.. you know, I planned to wake up early today so I could start getting in the mood for school and whatnot, but I ended up being woke up by my mommy at 11.. When my alarm was set for 9. Honestly, I dunno what I would have done if I woke up that early, but I'll be sleepin when my head hits the pillow, that's for sure!

So, after I did all the fun stuff after you wake up, me and the mother went to the high school to get me registered. I REALLY like the guidance counselor, she's really nice and has been at Central for 5 years now. She told me if I feel flustered or I can't handle walking into the lunchroom and whatnot by myself then I can just fake some tears and I can go eat with her. Gotta love any teacher who says that! And what's worse is I have no friends here.. :alone:

Blegh, then we had to go back for me and my sisters orientation and ended up standing in a fricken locker line for an hour and a half behind this girl with her crack showing and just.. no meat on her at all. It was really.. gross. But some guy livened it up by running down the line giving people high-fives. I think he was on something.. no one can be that happy! Legally.. My mom had to do the fricken locker thing for me and the worse part is my locker is on the bottom!! I have to bend down everyday to get my crap, oh and does that suck.

I think people are going to be more intimidated by me anyways, sometimes a good thing.

Still gotta read Huck Finn. I don't wanna read, I just wanna fall on my bed and SLEEP! School hasn't started and I already wanna be out again! I got Art too :smiles: I'm glad about that.

I'm going to try to start working on the third page of my fan-fic manga thingy tomorrow when I wake up or whatever. Like when I'm not tired or busy..

Someone send me an angel :sigh:

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 25 July :: 2.53 pm
:: Mood: tired

Mm hmm..
Dear Yue,
If you ever read this, I hope you understand what I am trying to convey to you. Ever since I lay eyes on you, I loved everything about you. Your long black hair, thoughtful black eyes. You are like me, lost. That's why we always got along so good together. I can come to you about anything in the world and you would think no differently of me. And I don't care if people say it's wrong to love you, or that it's against God. It just feels so right when I'm with you, when we talk..

We're so close, Yotan. I never wanted to leave and you were the main reason why. If you asked me to save you, I would. I would die to protect you. You are one of my best friends, Yotan and I love you very much.

Love forever, Kyoko

And for anyone else reading this, you can think what you want of me, but I don't care. I can't deny my feelings.

And this is not to say I don't love Nick or Jocelyn, I just felt like I needed to get this off of my heart.

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 21 July :: 4.29 pm
:: Mood: poetic
:: Music: Papercut-Reanimation, Linkin Park

Dear all you happy, perky and.. dandy readers!

I've been really busy the past few weeks with the whole moving in thing. We finally painted my room, though we're still going to do more to it. The walls are like scarlet and the trim is a deep garnet.

Got three packages from the folks. They're just burning those bridges, I swear.. Anyways, I got a bunch of clothes that I'll never wear for as long as I live -_-x And some things that I had forgotten about.. and some things I didn't even know I had! Anyways.. I'm sure you don't want to hear what was in those boxes, but I did get something I just have to tell you about..

For all of you who actually know me in person, you probably know about Brian Silverio, the kid that followed me around creepily like and had this huge crush on me and everything. I mean.. he was like.. obsessed. And I can't say I didn't like it, though sometimes it did weigh on my nerves and made me feel uncomfortable. Well.. the day after I left, he came over my house with a gift for me. I felt really guilty after all the mean things I did to him, but I got it in one of the packages today. It was in a small white box wrapped with purple plastic stuff and a silver twist tie. I opened it and it was this gold keychain purse. I thoguht that was all and I was like: ..how lame. But I noticed it opened and when I opened it.. there was a handmade charm bracelet in there.. I felt even MORE guilty.. but at least I know I'll never leave his thoughts. Though.. if that's a good or bad thing, I cannot say. Still, it's nice to know someone cares.

Yue got a computer, yay! ^^ For like... the first time in a year! And I'm all excited-ish and waiting for her email reply.. Oh, there it is! I'll ttyl!

Oh, btw, I got my hair loped off. Nick was all grr about it, but you know. What am I gonna do?

<3 Little Dark Child

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 6 July :: 3.38 pm

Personality quiz thingies O.O
Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Tue Jul 6 12:30:07 2004.

Your Existing Situation
Acts in an orderly, methodical, and self-contained manner. Needs the sympathetic understanding of someone who will give her recognition and approval.

Your Stress Sources
Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that she has a right to anything she might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against her. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees herself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince herself that her failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
An unadmitted lack of confidence makes her careful to avoid open conflict and she feels she must make the best of things as they are.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Your Desired Objective
Suffering from the effects of those things which are being rejected as disagreeable, and is strongly resisting them. Just wants to be left in peace.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt. Her refusal to admit this leads to her adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude.

Your Actual Problem #2
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She reacts by considering that she has been victimized, and insists--with indignation, resentment, and defiance--on being given her own way.

our distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are the idealistic social dreamer. Your overriding goal is to solve the people problems of your world. You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions. On the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned. On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as deviously manipulative. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

You value a natural style and love that which is uncomplicated. People admire you because you have both feet planted firmly on the ground and they can depend on you.

You give those who are close to you security and space. You are perceived as being warm and human.

You reject everything that is garish and trite. You tend to be skeptical toward the whims of fashion trends. Your style is easy and elegant.

Although the name Alexa creates an interest in the deeper aspects of life, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs and bronchial area. The name of Alexa gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature.

...Are they all contridictions!? I dunno.. weird..

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 6 July :: 1.52 pm

If you're wondering why the background is gone it's because I'm spiffing it up again ^^; I'm never happy with the same thing.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 5 July :: 2.14 pm

You are a Silent Dreamer...
Some say your a freak, others say your very
blunt, but the truth is your just
misunderstood. You understand a lot more then
you let on, but that doesn't stop you from
letting them think what they want. Who cares?
Your you, that's all thats importaint.

What kind of Dreamer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I found this.. very interesting. The 'highest rated' on quizilla sucks. If they really want to write a fan fiction, they should write it on a fan fiction WEBSITE not on a damn QUIZ website! LOSERS!

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 2 July :: 9.14 am
:: Mood: working
:: Music: none

I've been doing some serious thinking..
Well, I have, none of it's good thinking, but I guess some of the things are what I need to be hearing. I was thinking.. alot of the times me and Nick are fighting. Mostly because one of us doesn't agree with the other or get our way. I'm really kind of tired of it.. being treated like that, I don't want to talk to someone I love like that and end up feeling like helpless. Because he tells me his problems and as much as I wish I could, I can't help. I can't offer words of advice. I've been in similar situations but my words go unheeded.

I've just never been good at verbal comforting. It's more of a physical thing, you know? Like hugging, or patting someone on the back. And what am I really good for?

I was also thinking.. if I start going to school, will anyone even accept me? Mom says they will, but I'm sure most of them will turn me away. Just because. Oh, you're gothic, I can't be friends with you. You're a satan worshipper. You like to cut yourself. Blah blah blah. No, I don't worship satan, I am a wicca. And I don't LIKE to cut myself, it's an escape. I don't think about suicide often and when I do, it's for good reason.

But anyways, I need to finish getting dressed so I can get to work. Getting paid today so I cna buy that cute cherry dress at hottopic.





http://www.hottopic.com/store/nodepage.asp?LS=0&RN=130&START=41&OTH=F&MG=&ITEMCOUNT=66&SB=1 (the first two on the second row, I haven't decided which yet)

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 1 July :: 5.39 pm


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

holding hands
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 30 June :: 4.32 pm
:: Music: Headstrong;Trapt

Your soul is DARK. You aren't too happy with your
life, though you may feel you should be. You're
probably solitary, pessimistic, brooding,
possibly nocturnal, but mostly a general
unknown. You might have a hidden liking for
pain and destruction, but you're probably more
masochistic that sadistic if that's true. (look
it up if you don't know what they mean!) Those
that think they know you tend to place you
closer to evil on a scale of good and evil,
which might not be true. What people see may
not be who you actually are. Some people fear
you and others mock you. What isn't really
known, though, is that you're not pure evil.
You're just a mysterious, misunderstood - and
sadly, forsaken - soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 28 June :: 2.34 pm
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: Perfect; Simple Plan

I was reading some of my old posts and I wondered..
Yes, I read from the bottom of the page up, trying to find the first day I had met Nick. January 22, 2003. So now it's almost been half a year but I'm really excited because.. for no real reason, really. In my last journal entry I kind of went off unjustly upon him, accusing him of things. But I get overly jealous sometimes and it's not my fault most of the time. He said he was debating on dumping her because she was too much of a christian (And I'm not going indepth with the other stuff).

So, I felt kind of relieved but he's gone until Friday at some camp which leaves me kind of pathetic and lonely.. OH, wanna hear about my quirky dream last night? Well, I was up until like.. 4 o'clock roleplaying with a different Nick. So, I finally got to sleep and then the turbulant nightmares began.

Sam, Ross, Mom and I were all going to the beach on vacation. However, they pulled over onto the side of the road where they were building some houses. The reason? A monsterous tornadoe was headed right towards us. So, we jumped into the basement of an unempty house and managed to be saved but the other family who was using the house beside ours was kind of dead because the mothers body was laying sprawled out on the concrete. We high-tailed it out of there and stopped at this cliff-like thing. "Mom! Help!" and I reached for her but she didn't even try to catch me. "I love you.." she said and angrily I yelled back, "I HATE YOU!!!" and I saw her starting to cry. I couldn't get a grip on the cliff but then, miraculously it was made of cigarette butts so I scrambled back up and we looked over at the city on water. And there were 4 skinny twisters heading for it. Across the ocean 2 fatter ones were heading towards the beach, but quickly disintegrated. And then there was screaming and this giant fat guy came walking out of the city (he was as big as the city) and shrunk back to human size so I pestered him with qeustions! wEll, somehoe he turned into Brian Silverio with the power to grow gigantic. Now, people started screaming again and when we looked down the beach, what looked like two gigantic tornadoes were heading our way but I think the real reason people were screaming was because there were HUGE fat women at the end of the beach jumping around in the water. So Brian went to go fight them. He came back and I was all: What about the twisters!?" so I grabbed his hand and we started running down the beach and got there only to find that the 'tornadoes' was the Empire State Building. But it started to fall over and I caught it, trying to put it back in place. That's when I heard a voice whispering "Destroy. Kill. Become catastrophe itself." And the fat chicks were getting on a bike! So, she revved it and I jumped, grabbing onto the side. We tore down the beach and ran into a goth guy on purpose, shoving him through the fence and making him burst into little rectangular squares.. Now the goth guy is from a dream I had before this one which was VERY awkward.

Uhm, spiders were taking over the world. I was a vampire who was pretty much resistant to them. They shoved little things through peoples head and sucked out their brains, making them become dead. IT still worked on vampires, but not on me! And it was like one of those gun games haha. And somewhere along the line we went into this ladies house and she changed the strings of fate (it was a spider web that rewove itself) and instead of spiders, it was ALIENS who abducted two of my teammates. So it was me and this other chick. I decided to go to the government and tell them about the spiders and about us being vampiresThechief general just tried to kill me and siddenly, me and the friend were lifted into the sky into an alien ship! It turned out the aliens were trying to save us vampires because we were the superior race and they didn't want us to be extinct along with the humans. And all of the vampire guys were there too! And we had a good time sipping alien coca-cola. ^^

I know I have some weird-ass dreams. But that's okay.. Uhm, most of them are like the alien one! So.. uh.. talk to you later!

Eternal love
~Little Dark Child

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 23 June :: 5.35 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Behind Blue Eyes; Limp Bizkit

In the happy way of the world, my dad's decided to do all the legal stuff without going to court. Supposedly the reason I've acted out so many years is because I've wanted to be with my mother and he's not going to try to stop me because he knows this is what I want. So, he's going to ship some of my stuff up here so it will feel more homey. He's shipping the paperwork. And everything is going to be alright. They're not mad at me. They don't hate me. And somewhere deep down I knew they wouldn't, because I'll always love him no matter what he does to me.

It's like that with Nick. I finally managed to get his live journal link and I really wish I hadn't. Because now, I feel like someone put a hole the size of Texas in my heart. The world will pass not knowing my pain, but I want him to be happy and if he's not happy with me, then he should be with Melissa. He has very right and I'm not going to stop him. And I should have known this would happen.. it's happened with Alex, Matt, Poy.. it all just sucks. I really felt like he was the one, and yet he says she's the one. So, I'm in the same boat as you, Jocelyn. Maybe he'll come around, but I doubt it. He's always been hardheaded that way. They supposedly have so much in common. He loves her, even though he wouldn't admit it to me, I can tell. So ,I'll just resign to my fantasy world. I never thought it would happen like this. I understand if he doesn't want to be with me, I'm not to particularly interesting. I'm just a boring, everyday girl.

Melissa is probably perfect, more than I could ever be. He can have a tangable relationship with him. She can comfort him when he cries, hold him when he's scared and laugh with him. I can't do any of that. I damn the day I was born. Why does this stuff keep happening to me? I guess I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. And if he ever reads this.. well.. I don't know. He probably doesn't care what's going on in my life anyways. I'm just his little...

Before I say something I regret, I'm going.


1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 21 June :: 3.19 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: The Brak Show, even though it's not music..

Er, yea.
Dear Readers,

Well, today was father's day today! And no matter how much I hated to do it, my mom made me call my father. But at least Sam was on the phone with me, I didn't feel quite as awkward, though I did still feel really awkward. And he wasn't there the first time.

Despite how he probably had a stroke and can't move his left leg, he is still going to work at LOWES standing up behind a counter all day! Like that's going to fricken help. My grandma made me feel guilty as hell yesterday, too, when she called yesterday.

"Oh, he's not angry, just devastated."

And he was trying to make Sam feel guilty which kind of pissed me off, but the conversation went better than I expected. He kept sighing and trying to sound pathetic, which he did.. but it didn't really help in making me feel guilty. Yea, well..

Him: "Why're you going to church anyways? You told me you didn't believe in God."
Me: "Well, mom wanted me to make a few friends before school starts.."
Him: "That's not set in stone yet."

He has something planned. Whether it's quitting his job to dodge child support and living with his mother, or whatever. This whole thing is kind of pissing me off.. I haven't told everyone that yet, so you're the only ones to know.

I'm so torn because I don't want to move, but I do. God, what do I do?

Look at your face, scarred in dismay..

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 12 June :: 2.27 pm
:: Mood: Poetic
:: Music: Hello, Evanescence

I knew the happiness would never last for happiness is like a flower it will eventually wilt and rot. And then you find another and soon that flower wilts and you can no longer be happy with it.

I had a dream last night that we shed away out fears and all of our tears and flew upon eagles wings to the stars. But then I saw you on the wings of an angel, flying away. Please don't leave me alone like this.

sorry, hehe, translation, Jocelyn died in my dream and I was crying. We couldn't find her anywhere. I was running around panicked and screaming her name. Then I just collapsed, surrounded by people who stared at me, and screamed and cried. I couldn't stop myself, then I awoke and sat up, my face stained by the tears. It was the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed even though it wasn't really so.

Thank you for the code for the piccies, friend ^.^ I'll be sure to check out your journal soon.

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 10 June :: 12.45 pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Bah..

There are some... weird people out there.
So, the computer I was supposed to have.. that Luke bui;t for me is complete crap because it keeps restarting itself right in the middle of me doing things. We're not sure why.. but it's been almost two weeks and it's not fixed. And then Ross finally says: Well, I'll just use one of my spare hardrives. It's like: Couldn't you have just.. done that in the first place? Oh, well.. I don't mind. I'm going to be living here for the rest of my life.. Ahh..I finally found my Paradise.

Anyways.. I keep having weird dreams about all my bishies O.O My two most recent were Sephiroth and Kiba.. I guess I am a freak! Ahhhhh!! Anime obsession...

And Joe.. I think my sister went onto my screen name and wrote down all of your screen names and randomly decides to instant message you.. Hmm. Hairy sloth.. that's funny.

Yea, so my mom is dying my hair red. Like the COLOR red, not like red hair which is usually orangey, but this is like the freakish red. And then we're chunking it black and itr's all PERMANENT! When I figure out how to paste pictures in here, I'll put one in.. I also have one of me and Kelsea... me,Yue, and Tabby.. Hmm..

I miss you guys so much and I'm going to try to spend as much time with as many people as possible when I come down for visitation! And you wanna know something funny.. my mom told the attourney about my dad calling and cussing her out and now she's going to make him get psycho-evaluated. ::laughes her butt off:: He's going to regret the day he crossed me.

And for that weirdo who asked what the genocide refers to.. not only is it a song, but the genocide refers to everybody. Vash sang it to scare the bad guys crapless in one episode. Twas so funny.. and for me...it's.. for all the people I hate.

Save me with your smile..

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 30 May :: 11.12 am
:: Mood: tired

Hey, all! I got a computer for a whole MONTH ::excited::
Bonjour, dear readers

It's been awhile since I've actually gone in depth about things, isn't it?

Well, me and Jocelyn were going out and then Tyler was all, "I'm going to kiss her at the dance." And that just pissed me off. So, at the dance he asked her out and she said no because she didn't and doesn't like him that way. And being the big baby Tyler is because he 'LOVES her so much' he went off and started crying because he, Tyler, can't handle rejection. Everyone was giving Jocelyn hell because 'he's so nice and sweet to her and he really likes her' and because she said no. So, she said yes and then everyone was mad at her about that.

Now, you probably want to know how I felt about this whole thing. Well, A , I felt like I was going to cry when I saw them slow-dancing together and I was so angry, I couldn't let myself enjoy the dance. I kicked the table a few times and slammed my fist into which left this huge bruise on my wrist due to my chain.The up-side to that,B, was I got to slow-dance with Ricky (^__^).C But I saw Tyler and Jocelyn holding hands and I felt like an island and no one could reach me. I spent all this time primping for this dance which I was sure was going to be so awesome, and it turned out to suck major booty. And D I couldn't keep my emotions in check, so when I got home, I cried.

Now, I don't want anyone to feel sorry or anything, but if I would have had my computer then, this recount would be alot more indepth. I know they're going to forget about me a few monthes after I leave. No ones going to look back and go "Hm, I wonder how Alexa's doing." because, they simply won't care. They'll let me die.

I've always said: Let your heart remember me, and I will never leave.

Who knows. Maybe they will remember me.

I'm at my mom's house now, on a laptop. She's doing some stuff to get my computer ready. So, I'll skedaddle until I feel like writing again.

Love to all.
LDC, Little Dark Child

6 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 27 May :: 6.11 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: What I Got-Sublime

Last Day of School
So, today was the last day of school..

It should have been happy, right? I mean, everyone used to say "GOD! I can't wait for this middle school soap-opera to end!" But, it has and everyone cried. They were all so sad, and I even cried to. People were looking at me funny, kinda like an 'Oh, my god! she HAS emotions!'

I'm not going to see them after today and that's really depressing. I mean..... never.

*sigh* You know, I don't know.. I'm at Kelsea's house and she's burning me some cds. Yea.. more later.

I love you, Nick!

Eternal love, LDC
Little Dark Child

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 22 May :: 1.41 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: ...

I havenm't been on in a super long time.. I know.
Hey all you happy, or not so happy, readers! I bet you missed me didn't you? Yea, the reason I haven't updated in so long is because my computer broke and I won't fix it, so my dad's like: Screw it, and thus I haven't had a computer in a month and a half. But Kelsea's letting me steal hers for a few minutes so I can write to all you wonderful people.

I broke up with that kid, Joe, I was going out with. Now he's going out with some 6th grader. Which leads me to the next big story, I was going out with Jocelyn (Squee!). Well, you all know how I hate Tyler and how much of an asshole he is, he told me he was going to kiss her at the dance. So, I said "No, you're not. I'll tie you to your bed, gag you, take a .45 to your head and shoot you cause I'm a psychotic bitch and I'll do it too." Well...

At the dance he was all hanging all over her, I was off in the corner feeling as socially not accepted as usual. He was dancing with her on the first slow dance and I guess supposedly he asked her ou. She said no, so he went and moped in the corner and then everyone was giving her crap about it so she said yes. And then everyone was mad at her for saying yes >.
That's.. all I can really think of right now. I'll update next week or something when I get to another computer.

Lot's of Love, Little Dark Child


Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 11 April :: 10.53 am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Perfect: Simple Plan (AkA: The music you're listening to right now!)

I haven't been in a happy mood for awhile, ne?
WEll, I changed around my jounral, it probably looks sucky but I didn't want it to seem so depressing anymore. You like the hacker background? I did too, it was a tie between that and snow but I didn't want Robert to think I was trying to take his beautiful background ^.^;

And also, why some of the things look so perfect is because I'm learning html codes!So, I can make the opening theme in italics, bold, centered, alligned to the right, whatever! It's so cool.. I'm so tickled about it ^.^ Maybe I'll make an avidgamers sight and make it all purty! The reason I'm on so early is because I went to church on Easter (Yes, the tingling sensation was driving me crazy) But, I'll let you go do better things!

The Apocripha fan fic is coming along nicely.

See you on the other side

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 10 April :: 12.48 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Das Wandern

I seem to be comtemplating far too much these days..
If you've noticed have I seemed to be uplifted in anyway? I didn't think so..

My dad thinks I need psychological help. He's such an idiot, of course I need help. Mom suggested family counseling, but I don't want to go back to family counseling. Well, it was more for my dad than me, I hardly spoke. And she says I'm worrying over my possessions, which I probably am. But, I couldn't stand to leave any of my sketchbooks or composition books behind, lest he find the real ways I felt about him, ho sick my mind really is. I don't believe in spilling my heart out to a pudgy old man with glasses who nods and writes on his pad. It annoys me.

I'm taking inventory right now of what I want in my room. Most of my junk, I can leave behind for him but I do want some of the things I have now like my manga collection and my videogames. I must sound horrible, like some overly obsessive person, but I'm really not. Most of the things I want to take are the things that will make my room look better, the way I want it too.

But, I'm going off now to take the inventory.

See you on the other side.

Little Dark Child

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 9 April :: 2.23 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: None

Awkward Days..
It seems like I'm just floating by today. Maybe it's the fact that we have no school today and I don't have anything to do, but it just feels like the day is drifting by.

Kelsea is over at DJ's, I believe. Jocelyn and Joe are oing to the movies, and I can't go with them because I have to go to church and get preached to by some old guy who thinks one MAN created the entire universe as we know it. (And that was a long-winded explanation)

We went to the mall to buy me an Easter/Confirmation dress. Great, just what I want, to be accepted into a society of naive morons. Then again, could I really argue with my father and tell him this was not what I wanted? Not really.. It's quite ugly on me. It's white with pastel blue flowers and soft green leaves. We bought white shoes to go with it. It's quite form-fitting, but it's just not me. I perfer the darker colors that make me look more dramatic than pastels that look absolutely horrid on me. Oh, well. It's not like I'm wearing it anywhere else.

I'll talk to you soon.

Little Dark Child

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 7 April :: 5.46 pm
:: Mood: crushed

I still hate her with unrivaled passion.
It is so terribly frustrating, I don't know where I am anymore. I hadn't really thought of Kristin for a few monthes or Morgan either, for that matter. I only worried about the few people whom I'm really attatched to.

Joe (both of them)

The list used to be a whole lot longer than that, but since Kristin abandoned me, it was thown into an inferno and I ran after it, scadling myself to retrieve the charred remains. Everyone says how I have so many friends, but these are the only ones whom I care deep enough to even consider about. I can find flaws about people, sure. And people whom I call friends aren't always exactly my friends. I've wrote in here several times about how my life sucks, but I could never compel to you my true hatred or agony. I could type until my fingers blistered and bled, but you wouldn't understand unless you were me. There is no one I can talk to but myself who really knows how I feel, and do I really expect an answer?

I love Nick so much. With every string of my heart and I wished I lived near him so I could take away all of that suffering. We were a match made in heaven, seriously. He is all I talk about.. or used to. People became annoyed with me talking about him so much so I was quiet. And the light inside of my blackened heart was bright, and never faultered for him. And I cry alot worrying about him. About us. I'm afraid that he will do something stupid to hurt himself or get himself in serious trouble. And that, I couldn't bear. He's put up with me and my cutting, suicidal attempts. My constant moaning and bitching. But I always accepted his adivce. I know he'd never accept mine, because I'm too young and too naive. He's such a strong person, to have put up with his parents for everyday of his life. I absolutely adore him for that. And these words:
BobtheDuffMan: I promise I wont do anything stupid
BobtheDuffMan: I love you too much to die
Make me feel so much at peace, the storm raging inside of me for the past few days has been settled and now the waves barely lick at the sides of the boat, but at the same time, that storm could flare up again any moment at the Furies beckon.

And Jocelyn, the sweetest person I know. I look up to her. Not only because she is my big sister, but she has the coping skills of a Goddess. She's like clay, molding to anything she is given. Sort of like Gumbie (^.^). She's gotten along better than I ever would have if my parents blocked me completely off from the world. In spite, I would kill myself and become something restless. I would haunt them all, still believing myself to be alive. I know she isn't the tender, happy person we all take her for. There is more to her than that. But, she never lets things get her down and she always looks ahead with a smile on her face, knowing everything will be okay.

I was reading her online journal and she mentioned talking to Kristin. Kristin.. I hate her. I cannot describe to you, dear readers, how her name makes my blood boil. It's like in those cartoons where the character gets red and the top of his head blows off, releasing steam. Except my hatred is rooted in anger and sorrow. And I have a million questions that yet to go answered. Why did she do it to me? Was she not my friend? How cold and thick could she have been to actually do something so cold and heartless? but she's perfect that way. She could hate you and you would never know it. She hides it so perfectly behind that face of hers. And then that question still haunts me, why? I saw it in her face the first day I met her. That cold, penetrating stare. I knew, perhaps, I should not be her friend but I wanted to be accepted, to 'fit in' I suppose. She had a fake facade and I could see right through it, but why didn't I stop myself? I'm selfish. I wanted her as my friend and I wouldn't take no as an answer. Maybe she thought it was funny, and that hurts most of all. How could you laugh at someone who looked up to you, loved you, would give anything in the world for you and act like it bothered you none? It's simple, she's herself, I suppose.

And Morgan, oh, how I would love to wrap my hands around her perfect throat and squeeze until he begged for mercy. But I would do no such thing, mercy is for those with humans with hearts, with emotions. I'd like to see the blood trickle from his perfect lips, his beautiful auburn eyes roll back into his head. And I should like then to throw him aside and make Kristin feel the pain to which I was forced to endure. You all think me insane, but what I say is only truth. I would like very much to kill him with my own hands. The hands that can no longer feel. The way they touch. The way they talk. The way they look at one another, it's sickening. And when little old Morgan moves away, I shall think Kristin should be sad and that Morgan might have a little 'accident'.

I leave you all now with this thought that many will argue with me about.

For years man has given meaning to things and objects. The planets, space, the ocean, animals. But why do they give meaning to other things. What is the point, when we, ourselves have no meaning at all?

Yours Sincerely, Little Dark Child

My mood of yesterday has came and went like the tide upon the shore. And I fear upon it's beaches I shall never again see an abalone beauty waiting in the sand.

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 6 April :: 5.05 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: .hack//SIGN-FakeWings/Make Descision

I'm really worried about him..
Well, today and yesterday were pretty much blah. Joe got his chains taken away on friday by some really bitchy lady because I was holding on to it, so today he had to go get them from the office but he couldn't because Dr. Pruit wasn't there. (wasn't that a mouthful?)

Anyways.. I feel like I'm a glacier, drifting further and further away from what I once knew. I've been trying to get back with the 'old crowd', but I findit increasingly difficult to sustain everyones dneeds and wants. Shannon no longer really talks to me. Maybe it was because I shut her out, who knows. Me and Jocleyn are on better terms, I even wore her sweater today. Oh, and don't tell anyone, but I like her scent. I just have this thing.. I can discern people by their scent, but hers is the prettiest I've smelled. Fresh, like rain or water.. a waterfall, maybe? I don't know.. I always get this sense that I'm an animal almost. This must sound like a loud of bull, but I scare myself with alot of the things I realize, smell, hear.. and think.

I found out that Tabitha wasn't actually going out with BRittany, they were just going to church together on Wednesday. Tabitha's nice.. so I was jealous. I've really liked her, though I would readily deny it. She's been a good friend to me and I can talk to her about pretty much anything. But, to make it worse, Brittany shoved it in my face, trying to piss me off. She was just trying to yank the lid off of my steaming pot of anger. "If you do not shut up, I think you will find your face with a hole punched through it."

I've been talking with my mom, and we've been having some pretty good conversations. I'm liking what I'm hearing. Maybe when I move, I really can start a new life. I can be liberated. Learn bass guitar. Practice with my violin. Make my own clothes. Be myself.. live the sheltered life. Get a good paying job. And the bet thing of all, I'll be happy knowing I never have to hurt again. It will mean sacrifice, leaving everything I know behind. But, to get something good, you have to give something good.

However, if that statement is true. What do I have to give away to Joe or Nick? My sanity? My previous relations? I have already given my heart to both and I worry about them constantly. Even though Nick is a thousand miles away, I still worry that he's alright. and when he's in pain.. I really want to make it better. But I know physically I can't. I can never touch him or hold him or kiss him or embrace him. I can only fantacize about him and I. And as for Joe, I love him with the remains of my wounded body, my tattered soul and my wihered heart. Though I know we will never be as close mentally and emotionally as Nick and I are, I can hold him. Smell him, taste him. I yet, the things I find easy to talk to with Nick, are perilously difficult for me to talk to with Joe. And the things liesurely to talk to with Joe, I find taxing with Nick. And thn there is the pressure of always looking good for Joe. I don't have to look good for Nick, he cannot see me. Both relationships find me in great strain. I want to make both of their worries go away. I want people to accept this from me. I want alot of things. I'm like a needy child. There is still many things I do not understand and so, I find myself lost in my own thoughts.

And lastly, here's a poem about my Spanish teacher which I think you all shall find amusing.

I have a Spanish teacher named Mrs. Roque
And her sexual status is: tho totally gay.
She's very fat and round as a grape;
And she slightly resembles a hairy ape.
She has 6 chins with whiskers on each.
The people all run when she goes to the beach.
She eats and eats and eats some more,
I think she even raided the grocery store.
She yells,"Referral,referral for you!"
And her breath really reeks like puppy doo.
(I know for this poem she surely will sue)
That unibrow she needs desperately to pluck.
Everyone in her class finds it really does suck.
The sweaters on her are way to tight.
She can hardly waddle from left to right.
And I bet her wife, in bed she crushes.
And for her wig she probably has several brushes.
She talks to fast I can hardly think.
The fat on her face makes it hard to blink.
The sight of her makes me want to hurl,
But for that she'd probably give me a referral.
And we all in class do abhor,
That putrid, fat, and ugly whore.

P.S.-We stabbed her in the chest, 6 times for each chin.
And she simply imploded when we poked her with a pin.

The End ( Y ) <~A butt

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 3 April :: 5.36 pm
:: Mood: loved

The black-light dance was friggin lame.
Yes, as I said the black-light dance I had been anticipating for the past week and a half was really lame. There were old people everywhere and we couldn't do ANYTHING enjoyable without being yelled at or penalized for it. We started a mini-mosh with 6 or 7 people and we were away from everyone else and you know, we were doing our own little thing. Then some stupid 16year old girl who was working there came up to us and told us she wasn't going to play anymore rock if we kept on. Pshaw. I wanted to punch her, I mean, it's not often I actually get to have fun. I was with my twin, Kelsea and my boyfriend Joe. And awwww Kelsea was dancing with a guy she knew in 4th grade and it was SOOOO CUTE!!! I had my first kiss for a long time too, but for some reason I just feel like a giant, horny penis. If that gives you any idea ^.^; . Amanda and Corine kept fighting the whole time. They need couples counseling or something. I mean, Amanda gets pissed off at Corine for the stupidest things and then Corine feels like crap and gets mad at Amanda for being mad at her and it's a never ending cycle. When me and Amanda hung out, they got in a fight because Corine said that Amanda wanted Nic's winkie and you know.. ::shrugs:: See what I mean? And I can't rave.. ehehe.. I feel bad cause everyone else could and I was just sitting there being bored until Bridget danced with me and then I'd go and watch Joe rave or just watch the entire crowd. It was funny cause of the way all the chicks were dancing like total lesbonic whores.

Then, we came home and didn't really do much. We watched 'The Faculty' and didn't go to sleep until around 3:30 or so. Then we had a movie marathon (10AM-4:30PM) watching Gothika, Freddy VS Jason, Urban Legend 2, and Underworld. All pretty good movies, but Urban Legend 2 was pretty boring and we turned it off halfway through. And so, here I am typing this so I'm going to go figure out something me and Kelsea can do to be unbored!

Lots of Love, Little Dark Child

Are you an Angel, too?

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