Depression, Obsession and Love.
I really don't know why I feel the way I do. Maybe it's just my random PMS moodswings, but maybe not. I'm just really depressed. Sure, I made friends here.. and I can really confide in most of them, but I miss the old people. The people I knew I could place my secerets in and knew they would be safe and never told to anyone.

Kalyanee.. Kelsea.. Jocelyn. Joe and Morgan, too. I came to realization that Kristin was the only one behind that whole.. situation. And what's more is she's just.. I dunno if 'using' would be the correct term but eh. She's going around kissing and making out with Amanda and totally breaking the trust she and Morgan have. I'd hate to know that the person I love and gave myself up to turned out to be a complete and total bitch. But, who am I to judge?

I'm sorry Jocelyn, I don't mean to make you upset. You know you'll never lose me to anyone. You're a very special person and I think deep down inside you know that. You're so talented and you have alot of things going for you, don't ruin your chances with Sharon or with anybody else. They can love you more than I can with my current situation. And I mean physically.. not emotionally.

And to Kalyanee, my dear.. ::chuckles:: What can I say? There are no words to say what a damper this has put on our friendship! But continue to be strong for me, okay? And when we grow up, I'll take you up on that offer to move to Japan. Keep up your magnificent artistic ability, you'll get paid handsomely in your future if you keep at it. Love you so much!

Finally, Kelsea.. You're my Twin. We got all the Twintastic powers down and you know what I mean by that XDD Try not to kill Joeseph? At least not until you come up with a way to make it look like an 'accident'. I hope things work out alright for you and DJ.

And to everyone else, I love you all. You, too, Joe! You've been the best (and in some cases worse) to me. I've learned from my mistakes.. or I've tried to, anyways. There will never be anybody like you guys in the world! I'm so glad we moved to Florida, or else I would have never met you.. I guess fate is truely a mysterious Mistress.

I love you as well my sister wolfen, Crystal.

And to my vampire lover, I love you with the unchained depths of my soul.

I will try to spread my wings and fly. Thanks for being there on the way to help me when I fell.

You'rs always and forever,
Little Dark Child

First day of-a Highschool.
Oh, the joys of being a freshman, letting all of the seniors step all over you. I've heard the horror stories, but truthfully, here, the seniors aren't bad. At least I don't get things chucked at me. Actually, the ones I met were really nice and funny too, XD

The day got off to a pretty bad start. The homeroom teacher didn't have my schedule, so I had to go up to the office. WELL, there was a line the size of the Wall of China. I ended up sitting in the library from 8:30 to 11 something waiting just to get my schedule. And then I didn't know my bus number..

Erk.. and then I spent lunch alone. Until some senior and a few of his friends livened it up. He was a funny man XD Uhm.. and then this hot skater dude kept checking me out in computers.. Chris George. He was hawt.

Walking out to the bus, I saw this girl. She was REALLY pretty with short hair and.. she was just really, really beautiful. Son't think of me as weird, but she was smiling at me and I felt all frozen. I smiled at her, my heart skipped a beat and we passed each other. It was an experience all right O.O; The second bus load hadn't gotten there yet so I stood in the cafeteria waiting fro her to come in but she didn't.. and I was kind of disappointed. But you know, I'm not a freak or anything! Heheheh..

Anyways, then this girl and her friend were standing near me and I turned to look at her and she just started talking to me. I was.. shocked, to say the least. Her nickname is Elliot, her real name was like Shey or something like that. She's a really nice girl and the goth girl in the hall was her friend. She's obsessed with people from Maryland and her favorite colours are black and red (like mine!). Best of all, Elliot rides my bus!! ::happyhappy::

I got home, bitched about having to wait three hours to get a schedule they could have printed and given me in less than 2 minutes, talking about the stranger.. and went upstairs where I now sit lounging, banging my head against the desk because.. it's fun.

Konnichiwa!
Dear all you happy, perky and.. dandy readers!

I've been really busy the past few weeks with the whole moving in thing. We finally painted my room, though we're still going to do more to it. The walls are like scarlet and the trim is a deep garnet.

Got three packages from the folks. They're just burning those bridges, I swear.. Anyways, I got a bunch of clothes that I'll never wear for as long as I live -_-x And some things that I had forgotten about.. and some things I didn't even know I had! Anyways.. I'm sure you don't want to hear what was in those boxes, but I did get something I just have to tell you about..

For all of you who actually know me in person, you probably know about Brian Silverio, the kid that followed me around creepily like and had this huge crush on me and everything. I mean.. he was like.. obsessed. And I can't say I didn't like it, though sometimes it did weigh on my nerves and made me feel uncomfortable. Well.. the day after I left, he came over my house with a gift for me. I felt really guilty after all the mean things I did to him, but I got it in one of the packages today. It was in a small white box wrapped with purple plastic stuff and a silver twist tie. I opened it and it was this gold keychain purse. I thoguht that was all and I was like: ..how lame. But I noticed it opened and when I opened it.. there was a handmade charm bracelet in there.. I felt even MORE guilty.. but at least I know I'll never leave his thoughts. Though.. if that's a good or bad thing, I cannot say. Still, it's nice to know someone cares.

Yue got a computer, yay! ^^ For like... the first time in a year! And I'm all excited-ish and waiting for her email reply.. Oh, there it is! I'll ttyl!

Oh, btw, I got my hair loped off. Nick was all grr about it, but you know. What am I gonna do?

<3 Little Dark Child

I've been doing some serious thinking..
Well, I have, none of it's good thinking, but I guess some of the things are what I need to be hearing. I was thinking.. alot of the times me and Nick are fighting. Mostly because one of us doesn't agree with the other or get our way. I'm really kind of tired of it.. being treated like that, I don't want to talk to someone I love like that and end up feeling like helpless. Because he tells me his problems and as much as I wish I could, I can't help. I can't offer words of advice. I've been in similar situations but my words go unheeded.

I've just never been good at verbal comforting. It's more of a physical thing, you know? Like hugging, or patting someone on the back. And what am I really good for?

I was also thinking.. if I start going to school, will anyone even accept me? Mom says they will, but I'm sure most of them will turn me away. Just because. Oh, you're gothic, I can't be friends with you. You're a satan worshipper. You like to cut yourself. Blah blah blah. No, I don't worship satan, I am a wicca. And I don't LIKE to cut myself, it's an escape. I don't think about suicide often and when I do, it's for good reason.

But anyways, I need to finish getting dressed so I can get to work. Getting paid today so I cna buy that cute cherry dress at hottopic.

http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=281715&RN=146

http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=271733&RN=134

or

http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=288717&RN=134

http://www.hottopic.com/store/nodepage.asp?LS=0&RN=130&START=41&OTH=F&MG=&ITEMCOUNT=66&SB=1 (the first two on the second row, I haven't decided which yet)

Quizzes!

Your soul is DARK. You aren't too happy with your
life, though you may feel you should be. You're
probably solitary, pessimistic, brooding,
possibly nocturnal, but mostly a general
unknown. You might have a hidden liking for
pain and destruction, but you're probably more
masochistic that sadistic if that's true. (look
it up if you don't know what they mean!) Those
that think they know you tend to place you
closer to evil on a scale of good and evil,
which might not be true. What people see may
not be who you actually are. Some people fear
you and others mock you. What isn't really
known, though, is that you're not pure evil.
You're just a mysterious, misunderstood - and
sadly, forsaken - soul.


What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

I was reading some of my old posts and I wondered..
Yes, I read from the bottom of the page up, trying to find the first day I had met Nick. January 22, 2003. So now it's almost been half a year but I'm really excited because.. for no real reason, really. In my last journal entry I kind of went off unjustly upon him, accusing him of things. But I get overly jealous sometimes and it's not my fault most of the time. He said he was debating on dumping her because she was too much of a christian (And I'm not going indepth with the other stuff).

So, I felt kind of relieved but he's gone until Friday at some camp which leaves me kind of pathetic and lonely.. OH, wanna hear about my quirky dream last night? Well, I was up until like.. 4 o'clock roleplaying with a different Nick. So, I finally got to sleep and then the turbulant nightmares began.

Sam, Ross, Mom and I were all going to the beach on vacation. However, they pulled over onto the side of the road where they were building some houses. The reason? A monsterous tornadoe was headed right towards us. So, we jumped into the basement of an unempty house and managed to be saved but the other family who was using the house beside ours was kind of dead because the mothers body was laying sprawled out on the concrete. We high-tailed it out of there and stopped at this cliff-like thing. "Mom! Help!" and I reached for her but she didn't even try to catch me. "I love you.." she said and angrily I yelled back, "I HATE YOU!!!" and I saw her starting to cry. I couldn't get a grip on the cliff but then, miraculously it was made of cigarette butts so I scrambled back up and we looked over at the city on water. And there were 4 skinny twisters heading for it. Across the ocean 2 fatter ones were heading towards the beach, but quickly disintegrated. And then there was screaming and this giant fat guy came walking out of the city (he was as big as the city) and shrunk back to human size so I pestered him with qeustions! wEll, somehoe he turned into Brian Silverio with the power to grow gigantic. Now, people started screaming again and when we looked down the beach, what looked like two gigantic tornadoes were heading our way but I think the real reason people were screaming was because there were HUGE fat women at the end of the beach jumping around in the water. So Brian went to go fight them. He came back and I was all: What about the twisters!?" so I grabbed his hand and we started running down the beach and got there only to find that the 'tornadoes' was the Empire State Building. But it started to fall over and I caught it, trying to put it back in place. That's when I heard a voice whispering "Destroy. Kill. Become catastrophe itself." And the fat chicks were getting on a bike! So, she revved it and I jumped, grabbing onto the side. We tore down the beach and ran into a goth guy on purpose, shoving him through the fence and making him burst into little rectangular squares.. Now the goth guy is from a dream I had before this one which was VERY awkward.

Uhm, spiders were taking over the world. I was a vampire who was pretty much resistant to them. They shoved little things through peoples head and sucked out their brains, making them become dead. IT still worked on vampires, but not on me! And it was like one of those gun games haha. And somewhere along the line we went into this ladies house and she changed the strings of fate (it was a spider web that rewove itself) and instead of spiders, it was ALIENS who abducted two of my teammates. So it was me and this other chick. I decided to go to the government and tell them about the spiders and about us being vampiresThechief general just tried to kill me and siddenly, me and the friend were lifted into the sky into an alien ship! It turned out the aliens were trying to save us vampires because we were the superior race and they didn't want us to be extinct along with the humans. And all of the vampire guys were there too! And we had a good time sipping alien coca-cola. ^^

I know I have some weird-ass dreams. But that's okay.. Uhm, most of them are like the alien one! So.. uh.. talk to you later!

Eternal love
~Little Dark Child

Well..
In the happy way of the world, my dad's decided to do all the legal stuff without going to court. Supposedly the reason I've acted out so many years is because I've wanted to be with my mother and he's not going to try to stop me because he knows this is what I want. So, he's going to ship some of my stuff up here so it will feel more homey. He's shipping the paperwork. And everything is going to be alright. They're not mad at me. They don't hate me. And somewhere deep down I knew they wouldn't, because I'll always love him no matter what he does to me.

It's like that with Nick. I finally managed to get his live journal link and I really wish I hadn't. Because now, I feel like someone put a hole the size of Texas in my heart. The world will pass not knowing my pain, but I want him to be happy and if he's not happy with me, then he should be with Melissa. He has very right and I'm not going to stop him. And I should have known this would happen.. it's happened with Alex, Matt, Poy.. it all just sucks. I really felt like he was the one, and yet he says she's the one. So, I'm in the same boat as you, Jocelyn. Maybe he'll come around, but I doubt it. He's always been hardheaded that way. They supposedly have so much in common. He loves her, even though he wouldn't admit it to me, I can tell. So ,I'll just resign to my fantasy world. I never thought it would happen like this. I understand if he doesn't want to be with me, I'm not to particularly interesting. I'm just a boring, everyday girl.

Melissa is probably perfect, more than I could ever be. He can have a tangable relationship with him. She can comfort him when he cries, hold him when he's scared and laugh with him. I can't do any of that. I damn the day I was born. Why does this stuff keep happening to me? I guess I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. And if he ever reads this.. well.. I don't know. He probably doesn't care what's going on in my life anyways. I'm just his little...

Before I say something I regret, I'm going.

Peace.
LDC

Er, yea.
Dear Readers,

Well, today was father's day today! And no matter how much I hated to do it, my mom made me call my father. But at least Sam was on the phone with me, I didn't feel quite as awkward, though I did still feel really awkward. And he wasn't there the first time.

Despite how he probably had a stroke and can't move his left leg, he is still going to work at LOWES standing up behind a counter all day! Like that's going to fricken help. My grandma made me feel guilty as hell yesterday, too, when she called yesterday.

"Oh, he's not angry, just devastated."

And he was trying to make Sam feel guilty which kind of pissed me off, but the conversation went better than I expected. He kept sighing and trying to sound pathetic, which he did.. but it didn't really help in making me feel guilty. Yea, well..

Him: "Why're you going to church anyways? You told me you didn't believe in God."
Me: "Well, mom wanted me to make a few friends before school starts.."
Him: "That's not set in stone yet."

He has something planned. Whether it's quitting his job to dodge child support and living with his mother, or whatever. This whole thing is kind of pissing me off.. I haven't told everyone that yet, so you're the only ones to know.

I'm so torn because I don't want to move, but I do. God, what do I do?

Look at your face, scarred in dismay..
LDC

Sigh...
I knew the happiness would never last for happiness is like a flower it will eventually wilt and rot. And then you find another and soon that flower wilts and you can no longer be happy with it.

I had a dream last night that we shed away out fears and all of our tears and flew upon eagles wings to the stars. But then I saw you on the wings of an angel, flying away. Please don't leave me alone like this.

sorry, hehe, translation, Jocelyn died in my dream and I was crying. We couldn't find her anywhere. I was running around panicked and screaming her name. Then I just collapsed, surrounded by people who stared at me, and screamed and cried. I couldn't stop myself, then I awoke and sat up, my face stained by the tears. It was the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed even though it wasn't really so.

Thank you for the code for the piccies, friend ^.^ I'll be sure to check out your journal soon.

There are some... weird people out there.
So, the computer I was supposed to have.. that Luke bui;t for me is complete crap because it keeps restarting itself right in the middle of me doing things. We're not sure why.. but it's been almost two weeks and it's not fixed. And then Ross finally says: Well, I'll just use one of my spare hardrives. It's like: Couldn't you have just.. done that in the first place? Oh, well.. I don't mind. I'm going to be living here for the rest of my life.. Ahh..I finally found my Paradise.

Anyways.. I keep having weird dreams about all my bishies O.O My two most recent were Sephiroth and Kiba.. I guess I am a freak! Ahhhhh!! Anime obsession...

And Joe.. I think my sister went onto my screen name and wrote down all of your screen names and randomly decides to instant message you.. Hmm. Hairy sloth.. that's funny.

Yea, so my mom is dying my hair red. Like the COLOR red, not like red hair which is usually orangey, but this is like the freakish red. And then we're chunking it black and itr's all PERMANENT! When I figure out how to paste pictures in here, I'll put one in.. I also have one of me and Kelsea... me,Yue, and Tabby.. Hmm..

I miss you guys so much and I'm going to try to spend as much time with as many people as possible when I come down for visitation! And you wanna know something funny.. my mom told the attourney about my dad calling and cussing her out and now she's going to make him get psycho-evaluated. ::laughes her butt off:: He's going to regret the day he crossed me.

And for that weirdo who asked what the genocide refers to.. not only is it a song, but the genocide refers to everybody. Vash sang it to scare the bad guys crapless in one episode. Twas so funny.. and for me...it's.. for all the people I hate.

Save me with your smile..
LDC

Last Day of School
So, today was the last day of school..

It should have been happy, right? I mean, everyone used to say "GOD! I can't wait for this middle school soap-opera to end!" But, it has and everyone cried. They were all so sad, and I even cried to. People were looking at me funny, kinda like an 'Oh, my god! she HAS emotions!'

I'm not going to see them after today and that's really depressing. I mean..... never.

*sigh* You know, I don't know.. I'm at Kelsea's house and she's burning me some cds. Yea.. more later.

I love you, Nick!

Eternal love, LDC
Little Dark Child

I havenm't been on in a super long time.. I know.
Hey all you happy, or not so happy, readers! I bet you missed me didn't you? Yea, the reason I haven't updated in so long is because my computer broke and I won't fix it, so my dad's like: Screw it, and thus I haven't had a computer in a month and a half. But Kelsea's letting me steal hers for a few minutes so I can write to all you wonderful people.

I broke up with that kid, Joe, I was going out with. Now he's going out with some 6th grader. Which leads me to the next big story, I was going out with Jocelyn (Squee!). Well, you all know how I hate Tyler and how much of an asshole he is, he told me he was going to kiss her at the dance. So, I said "No, you're not. I'll tie you to your bed, gag you, take a .45 to your head and shoot you cause I'm a psychotic bitch and I'll do it too." Well...

At the dance he was all hanging all over her, I was off in the corner feeling as socially not accepted as usual. He was dancing with her on the first slow dance and I guess supposedly he asked her ou. She said no, so he went and moped in the corner and then everyone was giving her crap about it so she said yes. And then everyone was mad at her for saying yes >.
That's.. all I can really think of right now. I'll update next week or something when I get to another computer.

Lot's of Love, Little Dark Child

I MISS YOU BOB!

I haven't been in a happy mood for awhile, ne?
WEll, I changed around my jounral, it probably looks sucky but I didn't want it to seem so depressing anymore. You like the hacker background? I did too, it was a tie between that and snow but I didn't want Robert to think I was trying to take his beautiful background ^.^;

And also, why some of the things look so perfect is because I'm learning html codes!So, I can make the opening theme in italics, bold, centered, alligned to the right, whatever! It's so cool.. I'm so tickled about it ^.^ Maybe I'll make an avidgamers sight and make it all purty! The reason I'm on so early is because I went to church on Easter (Yes, the tingling sensation was driving me crazy) But, I'll let you go do better things!

The Apocripha fan fic is coming along nicely.

I seem to be comtemplating far too much these days..
If you've noticed have I seemed to be uplifted in anyway? I didn't think so..

My dad thinks I need psychological help. He's such an idiot, of course I need help. Mom suggested family counseling, but I don't want to go back to family counseling. Well, it was more for my dad than me, I hardly spoke. And she says I'm worrying over my possessions, which I probably am. But, I couldn't stand to leave any of my sketchbooks or composition books behind, lest he find the real ways I felt about him, ho sick my mind really is. I don't believe in spilling my heart out to a pudgy old man with glasses who nods and writes on his pad. It annoys me.

I'm taking inventory right now of what I want in my room. Most of my junk, I can leave behind for him but I do want some of the things I have now like my manga collection and my videogames. I must sound horrible, like some overly obsessive person, but I'm really not. Most of the things I want to take are the things that will make my room look better, the way I want it too.

But, I'm going off now to take the inventory.

See you on the other side.

Little Dark Child

Awkward Days..
It seems like I'm just floating by today. Maybe it's the fact that we have no school today and I don't have anything to do, but it just feels like the day is drifting by.

Kelsea is over at DJ's, I believe. Jocelyn and Joe are oing to the movies, and I can't go with them because I have to go to church and get preached to by some old guy who thinks one MAN created the entire universe as we know it. (And that was a long-winded explanation)

We went to the mall to buy me an Easter/Confirmation dress. Great, just what I want, to be accepted into a society of naive morons. Then again, could I really argue with my father and tell him this was not what I wanted? Not really.. It's quite ugly on me. It's white with pastel blue flowers and soft green leaves. We bought white shoes to go with it. It's quite form-fitting, but it's just not me. I perfer the darker colors that make me look more dramatic than pastels that look absolutely horrid on me. Oh, well. It's not like I'm wearing it anywhere else.

I'll talk to you soon.

Little Dark Child

I'm really worried about him..
Well, today and yesterday were pretty much blah. Joe got his chains taken away on friday by some really bitchy lady because I was holding on to it, so today he had to go get them from the office but he couldn't because Dr. Pruit wasn't there. (wasn't that a mouthful?)

Anyways.. I feel like I'm a glacier, drifting further and further away from what I once knew. I've been trying to get back with the 'old crowd', but I findit increasingly difficult to sustain everyones dneeds and wants. Shannon no longer really talks to me. Maybe it was because I shut her out, who knows. Me and Jocleyn are on better terms, I even wore her sweater today. Oh, and don't tell anyone, but I like her scent. I just have this thing.. I can discern people by their scent, but hers is the prettiest I've smelled. Fresh, like rain or water.. a waterfall, maybe? I don't know.. I always get this sense that I'm an animal almost. This must sound like a loud of bull, but I scare myself with alot of the things I realize, smell, hear.. and think.

I found out that Tabitha wasn't actually going out with BRittany, they were just going to church together on Wednesday. Tabitha's nice.. so I was jealous. I've really liked her, though I would readily deny it. She's been a good friend to me and I can talk to her about pretty much anything. But, to make it worse, Brittany shoved it in my face, trying to piss me off. She was just trying to yank the lid off of my steaming pot of anger. "If you do not shut up, I think you will find your face with a hole punched through it."

I've been talking with my mom, and we've been having some pretty good conversations. I'm liking what I'm hearing. Maybe when I move, I really can start a new life. I can be liberated. Learn bass guitar. Practice with my violin. Make my own clothes. Be myself.. live the sheltered life. Get a good paying job. And the bet thing of all, I'll be happy knowing I never have to hurt again. It will mean sacrifice, leaving everything I know behind. But, to get something good, you have to give something good.

However, if that statement is true. What do I have to give away to Joe or Nick? My sanity? My previous relations? I have already given my heart to both and I worry about them constantly. Even though Nick is a thousand miles away, I still worry that he's alright. and when he's in pain.. I really want to make it better. But I know physically I can't. I can never touch him or hold him or kiss him or embrace him. I can only fantacize about him and I. And as for Joe, I love him with the remains of my wounded body, my tattered soul and my wihered heart. Though I know we will never be as close mentally and emotionally as Nick and I are, I can hold him. Smell him, taste him. I yet, the things I find easy to talk to with Nick, are perilously difficult for me to talk to with Joe. And the things liesurely to talk to with Joe, I find taxing with Nick. And thn there is the pressure of always looking good for Joe. I don't have to look good for Nick, he cannot see me. Both relationships find me in great strain. I want to make both of their worries go away. I want people to accept this from me. I want alot of things. I'm like a needy child. There is still many things I do not understand and so, I find myself lost in my own thoughts.

And lastly, here's a poem about my Spanish teacher which I think you all shall find amusing.

I have a Spanish teacher named Mrs. Roque
And her sexual status is: tho totally gay.
She's very fat and round as a grape;
And she slightly resembles a hairy ape.
She has 6 chins with whiskers on each.
The people all run when she goes to the beach.
She eats and eats and eats some more,
I think she even raided the grocery store.
She yells,"Referral,referral for you!"
And her breath really reeks like puppy doo.
(I know for this poem she surely will sue)
That unibrow she needs desperately to pluck.
Everyone in her class finds it really does suck.
The sweaters on her are way to tight.
She can hardly waddle from left to right.
And I bet her wife, in bed she crushes.
And for her wig she probably has several brushes.
She talks to fast I can hardly think.
The fat on her face makes it hard to blink.
The sight of her makes me want to hurl,
But for that she'd probably give me a referral.
And we all in class do abhor,
That putrid, fat, and ugly whore.

P.S.-We stabbed her in the chest, 6 times for each chin.
And she simply imploded when we poked her with a pin.

The End ( Y ) <~A butt