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Tainted Heart, Broken Wings

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shroudofrain

:: 2018 17 July :: 9.57pm

I Kind of Hate Being a Dad
Kinda weird to read, right?

Weirder to write.

Don't get me wrong here, it's not that I hate my kids, that's farther from the truth.
I hate being a dad.

I have four kids, and I guess the term is "stair-step"?
They are 5, 4, 3, and 5 months at the time of me writing this, and it's hard to imagine life without them.

I have this tendency, though, to not get the best of my emotions... and sometimes those emotions drive.
I'll yell about stupid stuff like cleaning their room, I'll punish them for having an attitude or talking back; it drives me crazy when they ignore what I'm telling them or when I'm trying to get their attention.

All this time, I fail to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3 (the 5 month old doesn't know that part of me yet, or at least has not been on the receiving end).

I sent my kids to bed tonight angry because they weren't going to sleep... again, failing to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3.
I yelled. They cried. I yelled some more; they went to sleep, and I feel like trash.
So I did what every parent does then they want to figure out why they are such a sucky parent: I Googled "why am I angry all the time?"

What I found shocked me.

An article popped up that caught my eye: Irritable Depression: When Sadness Feels Like Anger (I'll leave a link at the end).

What I read took me off guard. I am angry, and on a hair-line trigger in my home... because I'm depressed.
I'm depressed that I didn't think I'd be at this point in my life -married five years with four kids at 29.
I'm depressed that I'm not where I saw myself being ten years ago -holding a steady and well-paying career, with maybe a kid or two. I'm depressed that I have a beer gut and barely drink beer. I'm depressed that I feel like my four kids hate me... and I hate that.

James 1:19 - "So then, my friends, let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them and train them in admonition of the Lord."

It is clear in scripture that God does not want us to let anger control our actions. We should have control over what we do, and when we say we love God, our actions should reflect that confession of faith; when any emotion is taking the helm of our actions -whether it be anger, sadness, anything like that- it's not a good thing.
It is also clear that it is hard to understand the character of God that is defined as a Father, until you become a father yourself.

We, as God's children, do things we know we shouldn't do over and over again -a lot of the time the same exact thing, over... and over again. It's one thing to experience this dynamic when you are the one constantly needing mercy and grace... but when you're the one who has to constantly give it, we find far too often that we are like that servant to the king in one of Jesus' parables where the servant owed the king an unplayable debt, but the king showed mercy and grace by obsolving the debt, but when the servant was the one collecting a debt, he showed no grace, no mercy, and in fact was angry and sinned.

As I'm writing this I feel like crap for being this way to my children.

What I have done is let my emotions get the better of me and control me; what I have done is not show the character of God to my children very well.
What I have done, is sinned: against my children, and against God.

I said I hate being a dad, and in a way I do.

I hate that my actions are being observed and absorbed constantly by carbon-based copies of myself.

I hate that I have to teach things like saying "please" and "thank you" all the while wonder where they got the concept of "mine" and "no."

I hate that being a dad is so hard.

And not that I abhor hard work, but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I love my kids, though.
I hug them when they are hurt.
I give them morning tickles, every morning.
I make them coffee at church.
I comb and brush their hair.
I get sad when I have to go to work and give them a hug goodbye.
I get so happy to hear "DADDY!!!" when I first step out of my car getting back from work.
I love reading the Bible to my children every night.
I love getting pictures of the silly stuff my wife and kids do at home while I'm gone.

I could not imagine my life without my children.
I'd be sad if they were gone. I'm sad when they go to grandpa's for a weekend.

I say I kind of hate being a dad, but what I really mean by that is that it hurts being a dad. It hurts a lot: it requires so much of you, for so long.
It's stressful.
It's repetitive.
It's chaotic.
It's got high heights and low lows.
It's manic.
It's lonely.
It's depressing.
It hurts... bad.

But.... it's so worth it.

Tomorrow I'm going to make things right; expect an update.



https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mood-disorders/irritable-depression-when-sadness-feels-like-anger/amp/


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 7 December :: 12.25am

"somebody has to like me best."

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 2 October :: 1.13am

this is all that i am!

i wish joe never wrote that story, because i keep getting this look from all the people who've read it and i don't want that look. for fuck's sake just stop identifying with me, you assholes, i'm trying to get past that point in my life, i was the same person before you read that story.

and i don't want to watch videos of daniel and jacob playing Blackbird together. and i know everyone knows i've dated both of them. and fuck

i'm talented as most fuck and i work hard as all fuck and i am more than these very small elements of my life, so let's just all mooooove on cause i can't do no more!

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 16 September :: 2.47am

i am only here because i need to say that

i have never worked so hard i am working

slept less than i am sleeping

drank more than i am drinking

and everything is going to be fine because i am me. just me and i can't be no more and i can't be no less.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 27 August :: 3.01am

HAVING A COKE WITH YOU

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irun, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O'Hara

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 12 July :: 4.10pm

EURYDICE
Suddenly nothing is as it was
Where are you now, Orpheus?
Wasn't it always the two of us
Weren't we birds of a feather?

HADES
Hey, little songbird, let me guess
He's some kind of poet - and he's penniless
Give him your hand, he'll give you his hand-to-mouth
He'll write you a poem when the power's out

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 13 June :: 3.23pm

oh my little darling

you won't be mine forever

you weren't made for me

you were made to be free

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 6 June :: 9.00pm

i've got to take the GRE.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 31 May :: 1.49pm

last night i woke up from a dream reaching for you and when i found you i realized that when you go, i won't be able to sleep without you for a long long time.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 21 May :: 10.36am

bbbbbllllllllleeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggg

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 17 April :: 6.30am

hm.

well i've just got to remember to breathe. this incessant headache will leave me soon and at dawn i will hopefully be asleep.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 12 March :: 6.18pm

last night was a haze of cold cold cold, walking, an iron tin with a dangerous fire, line dancing, so many stars and dancing my poor brains out to the fritz beside ashlee jared joe gabbi mom and jonathan. i am so lucky. i know i'm a scratched record about this, but god damn i am so lucky.

and i don't want to have a girlgasm over this but for five years i have wanted this, outwardly and inwardly and last night in the freezing cold, my hazy memory is of jacob and myself reminding one another that we are always on the same team regardless of social complexities and unrest, and he said god damn, i have fallen completely in love with you, and i was lighting a cigarette and could see his face in the flame and i asked again: "jacob." "yes," "do you love me?" and i pulled inward on the cigarette he had rolled for me. "you stupid, beautiful girl, of course i do. you knew that before i did."

and then the two of us walked the long way back to the campsite, full but not too full of people and a warm fire and laughter, and you know what, if i wanted to be any happier i just couldn't.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 15 January :: 8.46pm

HOLY!

what a fucking week! i'm sitting here under the influence of tons of post-op pain killers and i have a boyfriend and is name is goddamn motherfucking jake and EVERYTHING is coming up roses now.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 6 January :: 2.18am

there's a bandenna on my bed a broken watch on my bathroom counter my bed smells like dirty hair and i wish you were here

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 2 December :: 4.13pm

WHY IS IT SO SCARY TO HAVE MY WISDOM TEETH OUT?!

I hate to say that I don't trust Joe to get me. I've asked Lise and I hope she can, but I really, REALLY wish that Ashlee were coming. I asked her and if she can get that day off work, I know that she will lovingly clean my puke if there is any, and coddle me until I am better.

Daniel would have helped me.

This is the problem when you give up a stable relationship-- you don't have many options for a ride home when you're going in for standard oral surgery. I don't feel comfortable asking many people to sit around in an ofice for 3 hours and take a woozy girl back to her apartment.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 16 November :: 11.05pm

a morning filled with 400 billion suns
i fell asleep that night to the sound of your heart 20 feet away from me, your big upright bass in the middle of the night like a lighthouse for my soul to follow to shore.

i wish i could be mad at you but all i feel is tenderness. you are an ephemeral thing and i want all of you while i can have it.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 7 November :: 11.12pm

I remembered a dream and it was awful.

He was asking me to come back and showing me his wallet, he said I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I want to marry you, look at how much money I made for us. It's just a start but please come back.

And I couldn't say ANYTHING.

Last night was terrible and tonight is worse. Please let this stop sucking.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 25 October :: 2.51am

EURYDICE

Orpheus never liked words. He had his music. He would get a funny look on his face and I would say what you are thinking about and he would always be thinking about music.

If we were in a restaurant, sometimes I would get embarrassed because Orpheus looked sullen and wouldn't talk to me and I thought people felt sorry for me. I should have realized that women envied me. Their husbands talked too much.

But I wanted to talk about my notions. I was working on a new philosophical system. It involved hats.

This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful.

Orpheus said the mind is a slide ruler. It can fit around anything. Words can mean anything. Show me your body, he said. It only means one thing.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 23 October :: 4.37am

i miss that stupid greasy hair the stubbled face and your one slightly wandering eye, that bloodshot patch on the white of the other eye, your gaptooth, the way you only wear t-shirts with your tiny gut pushing out from beneath. i miss having to explain the plot complexities of movies and tv shows, and i miss the way you don't understand my love of the office or the alfred hitchcock hour from 11-12 on the local station but support it nonetheless. i miss the way you could only cook mexican food and only wanted mexican food and sometimes meatballs or chicken curry. and i miss the way you saw me as all that was good in your world, your beacon of bright happy sunshine, that is until i took it and ripped it to shreds and made it so that you couldn't go more than two days without seeing whatshisface. whatshisface with his own brand of misshaveness, a scrawny frame filled with beer and the desire to be bukowski, but who laughed with me and challenged my brain and asked it to RISE to the occasion, which is something i cannot miss about you, because it is something you hardly ever did.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 17 October :: 11.24pm

I am so lost and cannot shine in the land of darkness anymore.

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 30 September :: 12.06am

CROWDED LOUD BUSY DEATH at least i'm loved and never bored.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 8 August :: 12.59am

i may not always like what you do but that has nothing to do with my loving you.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 6 August :: 4.56pm

"i confuse her love with the sea
she is a rare ephemeral thing"

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 29 March :: 11.37pm

"i'd like to thank you, and you, and you, and you, and you..."

there were a lot of "yous" but not a lot of "mes" and i feel like i could punch you in the eye for that.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 24 March :: 8.21pm

My first art gallery tonight! better eat some pasta!

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 5 February :: 12.26pm

There was a storm involving a large amount of rain, during which I was separated from Daniel and Joseph and everyone I knew. Everything was flooded. I was very pregnant, hugely pregnant and somehow I ended up in a mangrove forest, swimming between the trees and climbing over and through roots. I was trying to find something to float on so I could rest, and I saw two girls that I knew, who I can't remember now, floating by in some sort of large, earthy basket. They tried to run away from me because they didn't want to share. I swam after them and they panicked, falling out of the basket and running away. I spent forever swimming after it against the current until finally I reached it with the help of someone I can't remember and climbed in. The person left.

The basket turned into a car. I slept in it and woke up in labor. I wanted Daniel to be there very badly. I had the baby and it was a boy and he was beautiful and I loved him.
I left the car and waded to a building inside the mangroves that was crowded with refugees of the storm. There were dozens of fast food places and I was trying to find something to give to the baby, all the while asking him, "what do you want?" he was silent and didn't cry.

All the people were looking at me like they pitied me and I didn't like it. I started to hurt in my lower stomach so I went to a hospital in the same building where I had to let go of the boy. They didn't make me feel better, but when I got the baby back from them, he was nestled in a large Styrofoam cup and something was wrong with his hands. They looked angular and inhuman. I began to walk back to the car in the mangroves to go home, and he started to cry for the first time. I breathed into the cup softly and he stopped and fell asleep.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 3 January :: 12.55am

oh joey sweetheart, i dont want to lose you.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 9 December :: 9.32am

I want to shake every limb in the garden of Eden
And make every love the love of my life

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 17 November :: 11.58am

YES YES AND YES.

ah what a life i lead.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 24 October :: 10.58pm

UGH

Are you an Angel, too?

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