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Tainted Heart, Broken Wings

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shroudofrain

:: 2012 20 March :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Everything Good by Ashes Remain

So, got some idea where I'll be going in a few years... don't know exactly when, but maybe starting building contacts in December....
Russia. I feel God is leading my wife and I to Tula, Russia to minister to others.
From the ministries I've heard of that have gone on in Russia, I've heard that most of them, the missionaries don't live among the people... they either build up walls around their house or their lives to protect them from everyone else outside of them... and that doesn't come off as something right or good to a culture that is heavily relational and personal.

My intention is Russia be the headquarters of all the missions that Chelsea and I want to do: See a need in a place we end up in, meet that need among the community, leave the ministry to a Timothy, and move to another place when we feel we are felt let to move.

Tula is a very cultural area in Russia, you get heavy WWII history on Russia's part (they were the ones making all the guns and ammo for the Russian army at the time, and helped fend off an attack headed toward Moscow). Other than that, it's kind of the meltingpot of a lot of culturs that will be very interesting to experiance, and plus you can hop a train or tram, and a half an hour to two hours -or so- you're in an area that needs help, or really anywhere in the western half of Russia.

Chelsea and I are so excited to start this ministry work through our pastor's orginization -Open Arms International Ministries (OAIM); spreading the love and self-worth of Jesus Christ to those who are looking for more in life, and needs due to them because they are human (food, shelter, human relationship, and love).

I love what we are being called to do, and I want so much to get started. Chelsea and I have the Youth to work on within our church, but I believe that's the stepping-stone to get our orginization fine-tuned and under our belt in experiance and such so that when we do go halfway around the world, we can be reliable, dependable, responsible, and effective when we do have greater responsibility on our shoulders.

Those who are reading this, please keep my wife and I in your thoughts and prayers as we travel and just love people, here in the states and elsewhere.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 7 December :: 12.25am

"somebody has to like me best."

Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2011 9 November :: 10.51am

Sucks when you know you dreamt, and you rack your brain trying to remember what it was about; you don't even know bits and pieces... Then all of the sudden, latter on in the day, you remember every single bit of the dream... And it was nothing you ever wanted to remember.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 2 October :: 1.13am

this is all that i am!

i wish joe never wrote that story, because i keep getting this look from all the people who've read it and i don't want that look. for fuck's sake just stop identifying with me, you assholes, i'm trying to get past that point in my life, i was the same person before you read that story.

and i don't want to watch videos of daniel and jacob playing Blackbird together. and i know everyone knows i've dated both of them. and fuck

i'm talented as most fuck and i work hard as all fuck and i am more than these very small elements of my life, so let's just all mooooove on cause i can't do no more!

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 16 September :: 2.47am

i am only here because i need to say that

i have never worked so hard i am working

slept less than i am sleeping

drank more than i am drinking

and everything is going to be fine because i am me. just me and i can't be no more and i can't be no less.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 27 August :: 3.01am

HAVING A COKE WITH YOU

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irun, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O'Hara

Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2011 13 July :: 11.47am

Am I really a toxic person in your eyes because I told you embarrising and regretable actions that I am now trying to reconcile?
Am I really not worth your friendship because I've made mistakes in my life and I recognize them?
Am I really worth being dropped in probably one of the most emotionally unstable, intimidating, and uncompromising periods of my life?

Thank you... for not being there when I need you the most.

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 12 July :: 4.10pm

EURYDICE
Suddenly nothing is as it was
Where are you now, Orpheus?
Wasn't it always the two of us
Weren't we birds of a feather?

HADES
Hey, little songbird, let me guess
He's some kind of poet - and he's penniless
Give him your hand, he'll give you his hand-to-mouth
He'll write you a poem when the power's out

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 13 June :: 3.23pm

oh my little darling

you won't be mine forever

you weren't made for me

you were made to be free

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 6 June :: 9.00pm

i've got to take the GRE.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 31 May :: 1.49pm

last night i woke up from a dream reaching for you and when i found you i realized that when you go, i won't be able to sleep without you for a long long time.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 21 May :: 10.36am

bbbbbllllllllleeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggg

Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2011 13 May :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: I Will Follow by Chris Tomlin

This is my anthem
I'm making strides to You. I'm doing the best I can to be the best that You want me to be. I'm not letting my choices decide where I go in life... that's the desires of my heart and Your job, now.
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be achieved." Finally I see that ALL my plans may not be Yours, but when I seek you; when I commit everything I do... when I trust in you alone, it will be through You that my plans become achieved.
You are awesome and powerful... beautiful and just.
It's in your name I praise, Jesus. Amen.

Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2011 11 May :: 12.13pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Anna Molly (Acoustic) by Incubus

It's been a few days:
I'll be better, I know I will. I just need to focus on God and on myself. I don't feel great about my decision, but I know that it was the best decision I have ever made in a long time.
Just need lots of prayer.

Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2011 5 May :: 11.33pm

Are my desires of my heart paving my future, or are my choices?

4 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2011 20 April :: 11.44pm

Radical by David Platt
"We are not saved from our sins because Jesus was falsely tried by Jewish and Roman officials and sentenced by Pilate to die. Neither are we saved because Roman persecutors thrust nails into the hands and feet of Christ... All God's holy wrath and hatred toward sin and sinners, stored up since the beginning of the world, was poured out on Jesus... This is the gospel."

I paraphrased his words, and sorta ran them together a little bit... but damn it he's right: We are not saved from our sins because of what Jesus did on the cross, we are saved because of what he took on our behalf. God's anger and wrath and just judgment was poured onto Jesus in that moment, and that's what saved us, because Jesus Became sin; moreover, that is why God turned his back from Jesus. David Platt can say it better than I.

"Picture Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane. As he kneels before his Father, drops of sweat and blood fall together from his head. Why is he in such agony and pain? The answer is not because he is afraid of the crucifixion. He is not trembling because of what the Roman soldiers are about to do to him.
"Since that day, countless men and women in the history of Christianity have died for their faith. Some of them were not just hung on a cross; they were burned there. Many of them went to their crosses singing.
"One Christian in India, while being skinned alive, looked at his persecutors and said, 'I thank you for this. Tear off my old garment, for I will soon put on Christ's garment of righteousness.'
"As he prepared to head to his execution, Christopher Love wrote a note to his wife, saying, 'Today they will sever me from my physical head, but they cannot sever me from my spiritual head, Christ.' As he walked to his death, his wife applauded while he sang of glory.
"Did these men and women in Christian history have more courage than Christ himself? why was he trembling in that garden, weeping and full of anguish? We can rest assured that he was not a coward... Instead he was a savior about to endure divine wrath.
"Listen to his words: 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.' The 'cup' is not a reference to a wooden cross; it is a reference to divine judgment. It is the cup of God's wrath. This is what Jesus is recoiling from in the garden...
"What happened at the cross was not primarily about nails being thrust into Jesus' hands and feet but about the wrath due your sin and my sin being thrust upon his soul. In that holy moment, all the righteous wrath and justice of God due us came rushing down like a torrent on Christ himself. Some say, 'God looked down and could not bear to see the suffering that the soldiers were inflicting on Jesus, so he turned away.' But this is not true. God turned away because he could not beat to see your sin and my sin on his Son."

Wow... Changes everything doesn't it?

This Easter, really think about what it means to be forgiven... and what it really means to be saved from sin and death.
This Easter, question your salvation in the sense to test it, tried and true.
This Easter..... really know what it means to be a Christian, take up your cross, and do something.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 17 April :: 6.30am

hm.

well i've just got to remember to breathe. this incessant headache will leave me soon and at dawn i will hopefully be asleep.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 12 March :: 6.18pm

last night was a haze of cold cold cold, walking, an iron tin with a dangerous fire, line dancing, so many stars and dancing my poor brains out to the fritz beside ashlee jared joe gabbi mom and jonathan. i am so lucky. i know i'm a scratched record about this, but god damn i am so lucky.

and i don't want to have a girlgasm over this but for five years i have wanted this, outwardly and inwardly and last night in the freezing cold, my hazy memory is of jacob and myself reminding one another that we are always on the same team regardless of social complexities and unrest, and he said god damn, i have fallen completely in love with you, and i was lighting a cigarette and could see his face in the flame and i asked again: "jacob." "yes," "do you love me?" and i pulled inward on the cigarette he had rolled for me. "you stupid, beautiful girl, of course i do. you knew that before i did."

and then the two of us walked the long way back to the campsite, full but not too full of people and a warm fire and laughter, and you know what, if i wanted to be any happier i just couldn't.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 15 January :: 8.46pm

HOLY!

what a fucking week! i'm sitting here under the influence of tons of post-op pain killers and i have a boyfriend and is name is goddamn motherfucking jake and EVERYTHING is coming up roses now.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2011 6 January :: 2.18am

there's a bandenna on my bed a broken watch on my bathroom counter my bed smells like dirty hair and i wish you were here

Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2011 6 January :: 12.52am

I've made a lot of changes: in belief, mindset, mentality, and passion.

The point of faith is not the war, but about the hearts, minds, and lives of the people around you; to help others any way you can -and not because you should, but because you want to.

Love is what holds everything together. God has sent His son, Jesus, to die for our sins not to win a battle, but to show His love for us.

The resurrection is just as much for us as the death was.

My passion should not be to rally troops, to fight a war, or to defeat the enemy... that's God's job, and he already has that covered. My passion should be to help the community around me, to show just how much God loves each and every one of us, and to show everyone that there is value in them. You can throw, step on, spit on, smash, and run over a gold brick, but at the end of the day the gold brick is still worth $1500 an ounce (give or take based on the price that day).

Reading past entries... I don't know who reads this any more; I don't even know if I'm talking to anyone but myself, but I just want to say for whoever this may concern: I am sorry for how I have treated all of you through my belligerent faith of Spiritual Warfare. It's not a right thing to be offensive for God, and I realize that now. My drive is to break down those types of walls... because I see that in the past I was no better than any other judgmental Christian out there that doesn't give the rest of the world any sort of grace shown to them; I will work to change that. Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to "love your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself," and I look to take that so much to heart it becomes second nature.

I am not the same -it's almost like a breath of fresh air.

4 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 2 December :: 4.13pm

WHY IS IT SO SCARY TO HAVE MY WISDOM TEETH OUT?!

I hate to say that I don't trust Joe to get me. I've asked Lise and I hope she can, but I really, REALLY wish that Ashlee were coming. I asked her and if she can get that day off work, I know that she will lovingly clean my puke if there is any, and coddle me until I am better.

Daniel would have helped me.

This is the problem when you give up a stable relationship-- you don't have many options for a ride home when you're going in for standard oral surgery. I don't feel comfortable asking many people to sit around in an ofice for 3 hours and take a woozy girl back to her apartment.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 16 November :: 11.05pm

a morning filled with 400 billion suns
i fell asleep that night to the sound of your heart 20 feet away from me, your big upright bass in the middle of the night like a lighthouse for my soul to follow to shore.

i wish i could be mad at you but all i feel is tenderness. you are an ephemeral thing and i want all of you while i can have it.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 7 November :: 11.12pm

I remembered a dream and it was awful.

He was asking me to come back and showing me his wallet, he said I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I want to marry you, look at how much money I made for us. It's just a start but please come back.

And I couldn't say ANYTHING.

Last night was terrible and tonight is worse. Please let this stop sucking.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 25 October :: 2.51am

EURYDICE

Orpheus never liked words. He had his music. He would get a funny look on his face and I would say what you are thinking about and he would always be thinking about music.

If we were in a restaurant, sometimes I would get embarrassed because Orpheus looked sullen and wouldn't talk to me and I thought people felt sorry for me. I should have realized that women envied me. Their husbands talked too much.

But I wanted to talk about my notions. I was working on a new philosophical system. It involved hats.

This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful.

Orpheus said the mind is a slide ruler. It can fit around anything. Words can mean anything. Show me your body, he said. It only means one thing.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 23 October :: 4.37am

i miss that stupid greasy hair the stubbled face and your one slightly wandering eye, that bloodshot patch on the white of the other eye, your gaptooth, the way you only wear t-shirts with your tiny gut pushing out from beneath. i miss having to explain the plot complexities of movies and tv shows, and i miss the way you don't understand my love of the office or the alfred hitchcock hour from 11-12 on the local station but support it nonetheless. i miss the way you could only cook mexican food and only wanted mexican food and sometimes meatballs or chicken curry. and i miss the way you saw me as all that was good in your world, your beacon of bright happy sunshine, that is until i took it and ripped it to shreds and made it so that you couldn't go more than two days without seeing whatshisface. whatshisface with his own brand of misshaveness, a scrawny frame filled with beer and the desire to be bukowski, but who laughed with me and challenged my brain and asked it to RISE to the occasion, which is something i cannot miss about you, because it is something you hardly ever did.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 17 October :: 11.24pm

I am so lost and cannot shine in the land of darkness anymore.

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 30 September :: 12.06am

CROWDED LOUD BUSY DEATH at least i'm loved and never bored.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 8 August :: 12.59am

i may not always like what you do but that has nothing to do with my loving you.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 6 August :: 4.56pm

"i confuse her love with the sea
she is a rare ephemeral thing"

Are you an Angel, too?

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