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Stranger Than Your Sympathy...

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:: 2004 15 November :: 10.45 pm

Jackie,
Although you may not feel like a rock of stability, there is a powerful peace in knowing that you can be free enough from tradition to embrace your future. It may seem as if you are walking a tightrope between the new and the old, but you make it look so easy that others will respect the path you've taken. Take a deep breath, don't look down and keep moving forward.

Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 12 November :: 2.22 am

Jackie,
Events are happening in your life that signal the changes you've been anticipating. This is a time of spiritual and emotional renewal. You know that the ending is as important as the new beginning, and now you must be prepared to let go of that which is holding you back. Don't worry. You're not going to lose in the long run. You simply have to make room for what the currents are now carrying toward you.

Oh man... I was so just thinking about that today! Wooo for horoscopes!

Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 2 November :: 11.50 pm

Holy shit...
My stomach is twisting in all sorts of knots.
::Bangs head on the desk::

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 1 November :: 4.59 pm

Thanks goes out to Patrice... Missing Trig today was fun :)

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 21 October :: 5.40 pm

I hate you.
Yeah thats right.
You...and you...with the funny face.
But esspecially you.

~*~

And we always say,
It would be good to go away, someday
But if thereís nothing there to make things change
If itís the same for you
Iíll just hang
The same for you
Iíll always hang

Well I always say,
It would be good to go away
But if things donít work out like we think
And thereís nothing there to ease this ache
But if thereís nothing there to make things change
If itís the same for you, Iíll just hang

Hang- Matchbox20

~*~

Tuesday's horoscope

Jackie,
You may be feeling a bit too dry as you long for a deep emotional connection. The problem is that your nervous system has been on high frequency alert. It's like you've been taking an exam with only one question on it -- an unsolvable mathematical equation. Take the pressure off yourself and take an incomplete on the test. This is not a failure; you can come back to it later when you feel refreshed. This frees you up to attend to more important issues.

~*~

Yesterday

Jackie,
You have tools that allow you to go into deeper emotional realms than many of your friends. Now it is time to use whatever tricks you have in your bag as you dig further into the roots of your own needs to control emotions. As you discover the sources of your fears, you'll be able to better loosen up the blockages in your life.

~*~

Today

Jackie,
Tension arises from your own lack of clarity about your feelings. You are still feeling the intensity from yesterday's Venus-Pluto square, but now it's time to find your way back up to the surface. Even if your perspective is a bit clouded by your own fears, move past your uncertainty. Head directly into the mists of your own illusions, for it is there that you will find the blessing of self-forgiveness.

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 20 October :: 12.35 am

List of things to give up this year for new years:

Quality conversations...the kind where you talk about stuff that is actually important and meaningful.

"Love" or the idea of it

Lonliness

Jealousy

Hate (or strongly disliking...)

Meat or possibly just cheeseburgers and fast food.

2 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 13 October :: 6.59 pm
:: Mood: good

Today...was today. Pretty good. Wow did i say that? I used the word good to describe my day...whoa :-).

Lunch was cool...but strange because i had to spend it with people i dont usually talk to. I had to be there for NHS and yeah... the people are nice...but like i said i dont really talk to them...maybe i should start. This years the year to just be friends with like everyone.

I'm eating way too much fast food...i'm going to give it up this new year i think...and get soda back...maybe if i still like it.

Senior pictures are fun...but people can be jerks about them.
"You look really good! I'm impressed! Crap...didnt mean it that way. I'm bad with words..." (that was funny though) then i got this:
"Wow!!! You should look like that everyday!"
Ouch... I told my mom that and she goes:
"See! You really should try to look good each day and wear cute clothes instead of the crap you wear..."
thanks mom -.- damn it. Everyone else found that comment as mean as i did then my mom has to go and back that comment up. Arg. Am i really that ugly?

Man windows media player is playing crappy music right now...its picking all the wrong songs.

I have to babysit soon for a camper and her sister. Yeah money!

I woke up at 6 this morning....maybe thats the key to having a good day...waking up early and taking some time to get ready instead of doing it in 10 minutes...
A ton of people asked me if i got my hair cut...i just had it down because i had time to leave it down. That sounds weird...but i did... i had time to straighten it and crap.

In psychology today we were asked to say who we thought we were. Thats a hard question to answer...let me tell you.
If anyone cares to respond, tell me who you think you are. I want to read it!
I said "I am me. I like to think i think deeper than people think i do. I like being with people, not alone. And i hate being home because then i become lazy and I am on the internet for ever...worst form of communication...well other than text messaging i guess. I'm organized through disorganization. " After that i was kind of lost. Its really hard to figure out who you are. I constantly have moments where i ask myself "Who the hell am i?" Ever have that? Where you feel like you are just a complete stranger to yourself? Its really strange.
Well thats it. I have to get ready to go.
Bye!
Have a nice night.

~Jackie

2 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 11 October :: 7.52 pm

Kinda goes with the last entryish
"BACK 2 GOOD"
It's nothing, it's so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don't go there cuz I don't want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

This don't mean that, you own me
This ain't no good, in fact it's phony as hell
But things worked out just like you wanted too
If you see me out you don't know me
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room
To figure out just what I'm going to do

And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like
They do
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like
They do
But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking 'bout
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep this under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it's over now, and I don't know how, guess it's over now
There's no getting back to good

~Matchbox20

Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 11 October :: 5.41 pm

Wow.....everyone in Curry's Class...read chapters 90 and 91....they are nuts... whoa.....

So i had really weird dreams last night... there was something about going to another planet and when we got out of our spaceship (patrice and i) we were greeted by giant bunnys and one of them saw the giant sword i had and freaked out and was like "Kill them they have weapons!" So i took the sword and hid it behind my back and was like "No we don't" And the bunny was like "Ok Nevermind" Thats all i remember from that part of the dream though...darn.
The other part, I was wearing a band sweatshirt and had a trumpet in my hand. Stunkel and i decided to try and sneak in to the game with the band because they had good seats. The football feild was being redone so it was in a giant hole and the bleachers were really high up and confusing. Well Sutnkel and i walked in with the band, Sundell was standing right next to Stunkel who was holding a trombone. Then he walked past Stunkel and he saw me so all i did was smile hoping he wouldnt kick me out...but he did. So i had to try and find a new seat. I wanted a front seat but the only way to get down there was if you had a wheel chair. It had a weird wheel chair lift and my grandma (Who died last year) went past me, waved, and went down it. So i headed back to the band room and decided to join best buddies with Corey. So i joined that and it was fun and i liked helping everyone. So then at the next game we walked over to the feild but the whole group got ahead of me. So when i got there, they were down at the front...and i couldnt figure out how to get down there...so i left. Yeah it was weird...and i wont say who was in best buddies cuz that was weird too...
Then i had a part where Patrice and i went and recreated memories i guess...the ones we werent at...like vermonster...so we recreated that and i took pictures of it all.
The night before that I had another memory dream only this time i was doing a commentary on my memories to someone else... Yeah and i just kept saying what i was thinking at each moment with that person but they never said anything back. That was odd.

The other night, at 1 in the morning, i took every single stuffed animal out of my room and threw it into the den. It was really strange and i wasnt in the best mood...definitely not. They are all on the floor next to me right now...
I still dont understand why i did it...and why it made me feel even worse. I mean i guess i understand why it made me feel worse...ive always had stuffed animals in my room...and to have all of them gone all of sudden...all of them mean something...all of them have been given to me by some one. And the ones i have on my bed...theres 5 of them, a duck that sits in the corner then 4 more, 2 on either side of me. Its just weird because stuffed animals are like a comfort thing...you have them there and you cry to them about anything-stupid guys or your stupid family or your stupid friends... they know about any event your life and they dont say a word...they are just there and they can actually make you feel better sometimes.
I told a total of 2 people what happened that night...i don't know why, i don't feel like i should have... it was a horrible night and ive never felt more alone i guess...so maybe i decided to make that worse and throw all of my stuffed animals out of the room? I dont know. I didnt have a phone either...it was taken away...but even if i did...who the hell would i call? I mean come on! I realized that too during that night though... so i felt even more alone. Blah.
I want to be little again.
I want to be in grade school making stupid little art projects. I
I want to play with beanie babies and pokemon cards lol
And obsess over Spice Girls and Hanson...(I dont obsess over Hanson anymore...shut up lol)
I hate college
I hate family problems
I hate failing friendships
I hate feeling alone...
I hate crying

Help.

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 5 October :: 12.39 am

Speechless
I don't know what to say. Do I have to talk?

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 28 September :: 7.13 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5

Mind if i cry out in pain in frustration? Well I'm going to. Its my journal. Not that my crying will do anything....especially in situations where things can't be changed...you feel like theres no where to move.

I shouldnt of watched the movie. Its so...amazing...but i shouldnt of watched it. I shouldnt watch it.


Have you ever thought about what would have happened if you had done something a little bit differently? Of course... i think just about every one does...but i mean...wondering what would have happened say if you... snuck out of your house when you were grounded or in the middle of the night to see someone or something. How much of a difference would that make? Would it make you realize anythign new? Just cause more problems? Probably yes to both. It just seems like my whole life right now has become memories...what with the movie, psychology we are talking about the mind and memories and what happens if part of your brain is damaged and how you could lose your short term and or long term memories. Then of course i'm just letting myself be overcome by them. I'm at a point right now where even good memories have gone bad. By that I mean...they all lead to something bad and crappy eventually. This movie is getting me to think too much.

Yeah so... I think i'm going to apply for a college far away. I hope that one day i look back on how im acting and just laugh...and not feel anything. I hope that all this...all these stupid feelings and crap will just become something for me to laugh at. One day all of this will mean nothing. Right?

"I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind."

I like that. I think I'm like her in some ways. I'd totally do that and act like that and say those types of things...


This probably won't be up long...so leave comments if you wish. They can be anonymous as well...I'd like to see what you all are thinking or hear some advice or just any thing. Thanks.'

~Jackie

5 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 20 September :: 5.31 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

After doing well on the math test, getting a soccer ball, and hearing about stuff at the backlight meeting... i came home and got this:

Dear Jacqueline:
Congratulations! The Admissions Committee is pleased to offer you admission to the School of Science {at Purdue University}!!!!


YAY!!!!!!! I'm excited...i cant believe how fast that came! I sent in my application on the 9th and they sent this on the 14th!!! Now i just have to turn in my essays for 2 applications and get the U of I one and im set. :)

Ok so thats my exciting news for today :-D
Bye!

~Jackie

3 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 13 September :: 9.18 pm
:: Music: Back 2 Good- Matchbox20

My brother asked his ex-girlfriend, Sam, to homecoming tonight. I had to drive him over to her house and my mom had bought special teddy bear shaped cookies, flowers, and a tiny stuffed animal for him to give her. So I watched from my car. She gave him three hugs. I laughed. Then he got in the car and i asked him if he still liked her. He said yes, even though they had gone out in like 7th grade.
"Actually, it was 6th and 7th" he said.
"Ah long term relationship" I laughed.
She broke up with him if i recall it correctly. She was a nice girl though...i can see them being one of those couples...the football player and cheerleader...and going out for like a few years. Scary.

Ah well it was cute.

~Jackie

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 8 September :: 10.13 pm

My Dream
My family...or maybe just me ...we had a slurpee/smoothie maker. And I went to this place and I thought it was cool because it made those in like minutes (cuz it doesnít anyway??? lol) and so I made 4...1 for each member of my family
Then I was with my gym class and like this spirit came...or a ghost or something (he was somehow connected to my family too) and we were getting ready to meet him (he came out of like a magic lamp or something) so someone was like...we should give him the smoothies...Iím like....err.... but I didnít tell them that they were meant for my family because I figured I could make more
So someone (it may have been Melanie) helped me to make more...but we had to make 4 different flavors because they were all out of the ones I was supposed to make and I had no idea how Iíd explain the fact that the flavors were wrong to my family. So anyway the guy came and he put up walls all around us and Mr. Morrello tried to explain that we had to go to classes but the guy wanted us to stay with him and never interact with the outside world.
Everyone was kind of freaking out...but at the same time no one quite understood what the walls meant. Then he was like I can do this too and he grabbed me and put up walls around the two of us and Mr. Morrello was like...thatís not cool you shouldnít do that
So then I think I started getting claustrophobic and I was panicking and the guy felt bad. I was complaining that I couldnít breathe because I started realizing before everyone else that we were going to be stuck here. So everyone got on a bus to go back to my house but he rushed me back there with him. We went to the like the attic and he started kissing me and he was all happy and didnít want anyone to come ruin it. It was like his first kiss or something (donít know how I kissed a ghost lol) and then people arrived and he was trying to find anyway to keep us from the rest of the world. Thatís all I remember. It was weird though.

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?


:: 2004 6 September :: 10.20 pm

So I decided that I'm going back to the good old days...you know, the days where I worshipped actors and musicians... Melanie and I worked out guys into three groups according to Hanson.
See, theres Isaac, who is a 'Hot Guy', Taylor a "Pretty Guy' and Zac, "The Chunky, but still cute guy"
See Johnny Depp is inbetween being pretty and hot...hes definitely both, Orlando is pretty, Shawn Ashmore...pretty, Heath Ledger...pretty. Lots of pretty guys. Haha it was a fun night.
I was thawing out. (Melanie would get this hehe)
And falling in love with fake people instead of real people. Fake guys are sooo much better to fall in love with. You can obsess over them and they will think its normal becuase lots of people do it! Isaac is so hot when he sings "Ain't No Sunshine When Shes Gone" :D ::Deep sigh:: See everything is better when you think about how great a fake guy is lol. I really like those guys that sing...or sing and act...like Heath in 10 things i hate about you. When he sings to her from the bleachers ::SIGH:: That was the best movie moment ever. And the poem at the end is cool...

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick --
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh --
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way
I don't hate you --
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

And then they get together and its all happy.

Ok back to my Hansoness and working on my Purdue Application to turn in tomorrow. Bye

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

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