HollishDanishM
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2004 7 January :: 5.11pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Happy Birthday To You- Stevie Wonder
Me Birthday
11 days... I'm counting.
If anyone cares, or needs ideas for my birthday, here are some suggestions. And also, does anyone have any ideas for a party? I might want to do one, but I'm not sure what to do. All suggestions are welcome!
Mette's Wish List:
Game boy Advance SP games
clothes
make-up
orange shoes, yellow shoes, blue shoes (pumas :-))
wacky earrings (it's turning into a collection)
colorful jewelry
((Stole this list idea from Maxi by the way, just in case there are any confused ones out there...))
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HollishDanishM
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2004 5 January :: 6.25pm
:: Music: The Set up- Obie Trice
back in boredsville
Now I realized why I didn't miss it. Now I realized why I didn't miss this place. The thing is there's nothing wrong with Edgemont, it's just so damn boring. Nothing ever happens, and I'm so sick and tired of it. Even though it's my first day back from vacation. My first day back to hell...
On the upside, Denmark was great. I never realized how much family I had and how much of a life I really have, just not here. I'm never bored there, maybe it is because it is sort of like vacation, and you got to keep moving when you're on vacation. But still, as much as I love it here, it gets boring a lot and nothing ever happens. There's just something about Denmark, even when you're bored it's so much fun. These last two weeks were like a breath of fresh air to my face. It was truely refreshing, and it made me realize how much I love it there. It's great to lead to lives, because that is really how I feel. I'm so lucky, that I get to have this chance- this chance to experience so much and experience so many different people, so many different places. Even though some placed get boring, it's still a blessing.
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HollishDanishM
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2003 17 December :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Nelly- Take A Ride Wit Me
Not bad, not bad...
Several things:
1. Denmark
2. Dishonesty
Theese have been the two main things on my mind.
I'll start with the first one, Denmark. I am leaving to go home for a few weeks tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it, it is gonna be nice to get away from reality for a little bit. And, it will be nice to see my dad and the rest of the family. Even though my dad and most of his family always end up hurting me, I believe it is only fair to forgive them. Family is your true rock, without them; you're just another person living in this world. Christmas in Denmark is amazing too, and everything will be wonderful I hope. No drama, not this time. I'm on vacation for god's sake!
2. Dishonest friends.
No, Tina not you. Don't worry. It just bothers me that when you are friends with someone, if there is someone nearby who is more interesting that they just naturally turn their back on you, and go with them instead. Even if they are not your closest friends, you should still respect them and their feelings. It's funny, how there are some people you should have listened to in the past, but you didn't. The whole reason we stopped hanging out with the guys, was because they were dishonest bastards. After a while that fades though, and you start forgetting. But nothing has changed, everything is still the same. But I don't know, this time the turth got to me, and if I should accept it or not I do not know. We shall see. People don't change, that's bull shit. I swear to god. I know people that think their friends have changed or that think they themselves have changed a lot. That is the truest crap, everyone is the same deep down. Of course you can change a little, but no matter what you will always be you. Don't forget that.
I'll be coming back the fourth, if anyone cares- so I will see everyone the next day in school.
Everyone forget about your worries and enjoy the holidays. I know I will.
-MM-
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HollishDanishM
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2003 14 December :: 10.37am
:: Mood: Stuck in a hangover
:: Music: What I like About You- Lilix
feeling like a great big pile of SHIT
Crazy night yesterday. Started out as an innocent babysitting job with my brother, playing Candy Land five times in a row. It's a while ago, I have been this drunk. It's just so much more fun with your buddies. Drunk by yourself, is extremely boring. I don't even know what the hell I had, but whatever it was; it worked. Before the night was over, I was so drunk I could barely stand up straight. D, M, and N left at like 11:30 I basically passed out after that; after puking several times of course. Clear gin is the devil, don't try it. You will die.
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HollishDanishM
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2003 10 December :: 5.34pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: Eamon- Don't Want You Back
no way
I
do
hope
as you
ponder over
the
following
lines you could
feel the warmth of
friendship, the joy of
kindness
and the hope
of life, which I
want to share with you.
And that you would love and
be loved in the true spirit of
Christmas.
Love not only
those you are fond
of, but also those you
dislike. For from them you
learn the wisdom of tolerance,
of forgiveness, of humbleness and
harmony, which is what Christmas is all
about. We don't have to be a Christian to know
that true beauty, like true love, is not always visible.
Dad, I love you, but this isn't working for me. You gotta have respect, just sending a note like this doesn't make it alright...
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HollishDanishM
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2003 9 December :: 7.29pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Come Dig Me Out- Kelly Osbourne
a father figure
I know daddy means well. I know he loves me. I know he just wants to see me for christmas. I told him, you know, that I wasn't coming and all. I am not going to his house for Christmas I am going to my cousins. I know he only sees me a couple of times a year, but that's no reason. Don't write my mom an e-mail telling her you wanna discuss where I am spending Christmas. I told you already, it's my choice; my decision is final. Even though I know he means well, I fucking hate him right now.
Feeling lonely as fuck right now, don't know what to do about it. Everything and everyone is just really pissing me off right now. I want to kill someone.
be daring
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HollishDanishM
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2003 7 December :: 4.55pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Coldplay- The Scientist
When death hits hard
You never realize what it's like until someone dies. When grandpa died, I was only 10 and all. It doesn't hit you as much. I cried for half an hour, and I forgot. When I look back on it, so many people were hurt when I just moved right along. I wanted everyone to feel bad for me, even though I hardly felt bad for myself. It doesn't work that way, you gotta first accept yourself and than others will too. Eventually.
Matthieu came in and was like "Oh, poor Manfred". Why should we feel bad for him? He died, he's not there anymore. It's the people around him, his friends and family you should feel sorry for. His twelf year old daughter, his wife, his five year old son. I pray for them that's all I can say. He looked so good you know, back in May. All slim, and clean. The illness destroyed him.
I don't know what else to say, it's tearing me apart.
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HollishDanishM
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2003 6 December :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Hold On- Good Charlotte
disappointed in myself- once again
You know I read somewhere, I don't remember where, that a girl has one love that will keep hurting her again and again, and the girl will keep forgiving the guy again and again. There will always be one guy like that. When I read that, I realized that it is true. If you haven't experienced that one guy, you will. The truth is, it is not possible to forget about him. Ever. He will always be there, and he will keep hurting you even if he is out of your life. And you will keep forgiving him each time he hurts you, the cycle never stops. It is pathetic, and each time I forgive him everytime I tell him that it is ok, I feel like killing myself. When I think I am above him, when I think I have forgotten about him, he brings me back to reality. He is my constant ground, he is my constant reality check. Without him, I know I wouldn't be grounded with misery. It's pretty ironic really, because for the longest time he was the reason I got up in the morning. Sometimes he still is you know. It is a problem everyone goes through, you get let down by your own actions. By your own decisions. Each time he comes back for more, I let him. I never shut him out. Even if I try, it only works for a short black period until it all starts again. If I had ever known he would have this affect on me, I would have never started it. Never.
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HollishDanishM
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2003 3 December :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: runnin- tupac and biggie
random thoughts
You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die
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HollishDanishM
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2003 29 November :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Last Christmas- Wham!
Christmas is coming!
I feel so good. I have been for the past two days or so, and it feels wonderful (Kock on Wood)...
Christmas makes everyone happy, I don't know what it is but it truely is the most wonderful time of the year. I absolutely love it more than anything. Maybe it is because of all the good memories from when I was a little kid, or maybe it is just spending time with family. Whichever it is, it is pretty great.
Yesterday, went to the mall with Dorina, Tina, Gil, and Xavier. Had a great time hooking up Gil and Tina ;-). They're just so fun to hang out with, sometimes guys are just so much easier to just joke around with. Girls are so sensitive like that, and it feels good. We couldn't find the car though, it was so funny. I took them for granted before, but they're really cool guys just as friends and nothing more, and they both make me laugh like crazy. Sometimes a simple friendship is just the best way, and this is one case where it is true. I LOVE GIL AND XAVIER! And Tina and Doughy too!
Went to the city with Dorina and her mom today, it was so great I had a really good time. Nasty MEXICANAS. Haha, and that guy in Bloomies hehe. Singing in the train, grrrreat times. I just love the atmospphere, 2nd favorite city... After Copenhagen of course ;-)
Thanksgiving was amazing. My best thanksgiving yet. It makes me sad though, that I have no family here to celebrate it with so instead I just tag along with someone else's family, in this case Dorina's.
"Albanians don't have friends, they have cousins". I understand it now, Dorina's cousins are so cool. And the food, oh the food (DON!) was amazing, especially that pumpkin pie. Eko is so cute, I swear if he was a little older I'd so want him. Ah!
All in all, a very "thankful" person right now I LOVE THE WORLD! But then again, how can you not be happy when christmas is coming up?
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HollishDanishM
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2003 27 November :: 1.11am
:: Mood: sad and frustrated
:: Music: no music
Never felt like this before
"Stab"
One stab,
You made me wonder
Two stabs,
You made me look
Three stabs,
You found the flesh
Four stabs,
You got me good
Five stabs,
You found my heart
Six stabs,
you ripped it open
Seven stabs,
You tore it in half
Eight stabs,
You crumbled it up
Nine stabs,
You threw it away.
Ten stabs,
It was gone
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HollishDanishM
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2003 26 November :: 7.43pm
:: Mood: flirty
:: Music: Change Clothes- Jay Z
Make up your mind!
Holden is crazy right? Holden is a maniac right? Or is he. It kind of makes me feel bad. I was on the side that disliked Holden, that was wrong. All it is, is a fucked up teenage boy. No biggie. Everyone can really see a piece of themselves in Holden, we're all messed up. We're all crazy.
Take me for an example, I say one thing, and do another. I swear I do (Did I just say that?). Maybe that is the problem I do not know what I want from myself or others, or just from life in general. All girls do this to a certain extent, when have you ever been in a sitaution where you said 'no' when you really meant 'yes'? Many times probably. But then again, you cannot act like that people will start not to trust you anymore, and they'll start to find you unreliable.
I know I have been talking about this a lot, but if you flirt with someone it means you have a connection with them right? I think I misunderstood the concept of this whole flirting business. Of course you can flirt withotu meaning it, but you can only stretch an elastic so far until it breaks. I am breaking the elastic, big time! It makes me hate myself. Giving out wrong signals is never positive, and some day it will kill you. Do not tell someone you love them, when you don't. Do not tell someone a secret, if you know they will spill it to the world. These are basic concepts we all need to follow. And DO NOT FLIRT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE DOING IT WITH. It starts out innocent and fun, but before you know it you either have someone's heart broken or someone out there it hating you.
Trust me, or should you...?
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HollishDanishM
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2003 25 November :: 5.43pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: stand up- luda
haven't written in a while...
It's a while since I last posted, and not that much has been happening. I realized that sometimes it's really ok, just not to care shit about what other people think of you. If you live your life like that, you won't ever be able to enjoy it. There are always people out there that will dislike you. Some exceptions, but you get the point. I mean, there are these people, and I know they don't like me and I always made it a point to have them like me and for everyone to be happy, but I realized I was trying to stay friendly with them for no reason. They're not good people, so why do I give them respect without anything in return? Good question, and the answer simply is "Don't". So I won't give them respect, it just doesn't work like that...
On the other hand, I found out something about myself: I am a flirtaholic, if that's even a word. It is strange how you find out things like this you never considered about yourself sometimes. I am obessed, I know I flirt with random guys on the subway, it's just such a rush really. And to other random guys too, that I barely talk to. It's an urge, a desire needing to be filled. I have a feeling I might be giving them the wrong impression though, and I do not want to lead them on. Not that they want me, just saying. It's not a genuine thing, used Vernon's word there, flirting with them. It's just something I do, and that is really quite sad.
Except for that, nothing is happening. 103 on french, baby!. OUI OUI
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HollishDanishM
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2003 18 November :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Blink 182- Feeling this
A new spirit
All of a sudden I have no idea how, a new spirit has been sucked into me. Right now, maybe it's just a spur of the moment thing, I feel so alive and sympathetic to the people I haven't been very sympathetic to in the past. Maybe it is because of the tv we watch, or maybe because we finally realize how good our lives really are. Whatever it is, it is a great feeling. I apologized to people that I have not been very friendly with in the past, and it feels good. Life is too short. I mean it, if you hold a grudge against every person that does something to you, what will that bring of you? From now on I will try to see the best in people, and not judge so quickly. I have just realized the real lesson of life, and it is mind blowing.
If anyone can relate, tell me. I am sitting here smiling to myself, and for the first time in many weeks I can truely be happy. I think I will stay like this for a while, or so I hope. Nothing can stop me, I will always remember this.
Remember, appreciate... Appreciate. Thanks, I'm out... with a smile!
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HollishDanishM
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2003 15 November :: 2.16pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Adicto- Enrique Iglesias
I wish...
I really wish something was going on. Anything really. I sometimes complain about having problems or w/e, but seriously I got nothing. Nothing is happening. Maybe I am one of those people that have to have something going on 24/7. People tell me I'm like that, and it's annoying. It's not good to act like that. But I can't change that. All I know is that I could need some excitement, anything really- good or bad.
Stuff has been happening this year, that's not what I am saying but it's all been in little stages. And right now, I am not even in a stage. And it bores the crap out of me.
So many "eras" have already been completed in my book, this year anyway. First of there was the Gil/Xavier era and the stuff that followed that. Then there was the Shythead and friends era. That's over too, finally! That was a bad era, but at least it kept me busy... Then there was the Vernando era, but that's not really an era since he's too busy to ever be able to hang out. I am waiting for a new chapter in my life to begin, whenever that happens I will be here to tell you...
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HollishDanishM
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2003 13 November :: 10.15pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Milkshake- Kelis
One word
One word: HA!
This basically made my day/night. Today was ok though nothing exciting but this just gave it a little spark.
OuToFCoNtRoLx100 [10:08 PM]: I love u like u love black guys
Hahahaha, Sam I love u babe!
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HollishDanishM
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2003 12 November :: 5.58pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Jay Z- Change clothes
Bored again
Haven't posted in a few days I think... Not really keeping track, but I guess it is time to post again. Boring has once again been added tp my vocabulary, there is absolutely nothing to do. I got a bunch of my grades today, and I must say I am not dissapointed. I am not a straight A student and I never will be, but that's fine. I accept it. The only thing I am really unhappy about is that darn C in math. Math is really just impossible these days, and I do not understand it. And I won't, that's where it ends. For the rest of the money, I did ok. Not great, but not too bad anyway.
Matt bleeped me yesterday, wanted to hang out. I don't think so.
It's funny, those random hook-ups don't really work in the long run. You might think it works, but it doesn't. It makes you a little uncomfortable. It does to me anyway.
I think any girl basically just wants a boy friend. Not some random hook up, but guys don't really see it that way. I mean if you're going out with a trustworthy guy, that's pretty rare. Not impossible. Rare.
Love is great, especially if it lasts. Kissing and sex is love too deep down I think, and it really should only be enjoyed when you love the person you're with.
But then again, there are some people that are very critical of this. I mean, it's ok to just hook up randomly sometimes. Sometimes that just happens. I think it's cruel, and the people that judge like that have no idea how much it truely hurts. Just saying, if you're not one of those people who hooks/hooked up with random people then don't be so critical. Cuz you don't know it is. You really don't.
Oh, and by the way. There is nothing to life. Life doesn't evolve around you and there's nothing to it. You are born and then you die. That's how it goes. I basically just figured this out and it depresses the shit out of me :-(
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HollishDanishM
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2003 9 November :: 12.19am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Liz Phair- Why Can't I
Had a great day
Yesterday, I scared myself. It's simple like that, but I seriosuly freaked myself out. I was kind of thinking to myself, what's the point? What's the point of life? What's the point of living. I think, it is because of that discussion in English class the other day. It was just too much for me to handle. That is probably why I felt like that. But it was not fun to see myself like that. I wasn't thinking about suicide, obviously, but just the thought of ending it scared me. It is the first time that I truely ever wondered about the point of life. Did God (if he even exists) just scatter us all over the place randomly? Do we serve a purpose? Or are we just there for his entertainment maybe? I barely know if I believe in God, but I know there is some super natural force out there. No doubt.
It was probably also because I didn't have that great of a day yesterday and just thought that to myself. But today, luckily, I changed my whole philosophy. I am random like that, I can jump from one conclusion to another in an instant. I was with Sam and Dorina all day, and I truely had the best time. It really made me realize how much life is really worth. We went to the mall, and then to Dorina's cousin's house. And also there we had the best time. I was so sad when I had to go home, I did not want the night to end. I loved it, thank you dorina and sam! I love you!
I love weekends too.
Damn damn damn, just so happy right now
| WHO | | is your best friend:: | Isabel Gylov | | can you trust the most:: | Isabel | | is your favorite actor:: | Denzel Washington | | is your favorite actress:: | Not sure | | is cooler. mom or dad?:: | mom | | WHAT | | is your favorite color:: | blue and orange | | is your favorite movie:: | "The Hurricane" | | is your favorite brand of shows:: | not sure | | is the best cd:: | right now- the new outkast cd | | is the worst cd:: | too many to name | | are tourniquets:: | I'm blonde | | WHEN | | were you born:: | midnight, January 18th 1989 | | WHERE | | were you born:: | Gentofe, Denmark | | did you get your first kiss:: | in a basement | | is the most beautiful place on earth:: | a starry night, in Skibby Denmark. No doubt. | | is the ugliest place on earth:: | Not sure, haven't seen many ugly places. I avoid them. | | WHY | | do you like the music you like(what do you get from it):: | I just like the flow of it, and sometimes the lyrics just impower me. | | RANDOM | | what is your favorite subject:: | English | | what color are you fingernails:: | they're like pinkish/white. The normal nail color... | | what color is your car:: | I am sorry, did you say car? | | do you have a car:: | I am sorry, did you say car? | | where do you want live:: | Wherever people love me | | what do you want to be:: | A happy person | | what kind of structure would you like to live in:: | Anything that makes me happy, something bright with lime green walls |
who what when where why how brought to you by BZOINK!
411
name : Mette
birthday : January 18th, 1989
height: 5'10" baby. Representin'
hair color : yellow/Blonde
length : like shoulder length
pets : My cat, Poes. Or Thomas...
Last...
song you listened to : White Flag- Dido
song you had stuck in your head : "I'm lovin' it" JT. As sad as that might be
song you've downloaded: My kazaa is dead :-(
person you were thinking of : Vernon and plans for tomorrow
Do..
you have a bf or gf : Nope
you have a crush on someone : Of course I do
you wish you could live somewhere else : Sometimes, ya. When nothing seems to be going right.
others find you attractive : Dont' we all...
you want more piercings : Nah, I;m good for now
you want more tattoos : No, tattoos r gross and always will be
you write in cursive or print : print
For or against...
long distance relationships : against, no love in that. No action either...
using someone : against
suicide : against
killing people : against
teenage smoking : For, drinking is not bad. it stimulates ur brain.
doing drugs : Everyone has their preference, if it makes them feel good. As long as it doesn't take over.
driving drunk : against.
gay/lesbian relationships : For, everyone is different. People can do what they wanna do whenever they wanna do it.
Favorite...
food : foir gras and lobster, u can't mess with that
song : Pass the Courvoisier part II
thing to do : tennis
thing to talk about : funny people
sports : tennis
clothes : Anything I like
movies : Anything that really makes me realize things about life. "The Hurricane" or Antwoine Fisher are both up there
holiday : christmas
car : Hummer H2 all tha way
Have you...
ever cried over a girl/boy : Actually, no
ever lied to someone : yes, millions of times
ever been in a fist fight/arrested : Nope, not that I kno off. Maybe while I was drunk, but does that really count?
Number...
of times I have had my heart broken : many times.
of hearts I have broken : Don't know, it is definetily under ten
of boys I have kissed : That depends how you look at it really. But I am doing ok. Not bad. of girls I have kissed : my mom and some of my friends as a joke
of drugs taken illegally : once, u gotta try everything I'm tellin u
of people I could trust with my life: My mom probably, and my cousin. And some of my friends, not sure.
of people I consider my enemies : Not that many. Maybe two or three
of scars : like 1 or 2
of things in my past that I regret? Wow, don't even gget me started
Last person who..
slept in your bed : me
made you cry : my mom, bearer of bad news
you shared a drink with : Virginia I think
you went to the movies with : Dorina, intolerable cruelty
went to the mall with : Maxi and Dorina
threatened they were going to kill you : just 1
Have you ever..
said "I love you" and meant it? Not sure, I barely kno what love means
gotten in a fight: haha yes
been to New York? yes
been to Florida? yes
california? yes
mexico? no
got a really bad feeling about something then it happened? many times
wished you were the opposite sex? Ya, when I was like 4 or 5.
Red or Blue? Blue
Spring or Fall? fall
Santa or Rudolph? Rudolph
Math or English? english..teachers nicer.. And math sucks
What are you going to do after you finish this survey? Go listen to music
What was the last food you ate? Spring rolls
High school or college? college
Are you bored? would I otherwise be taking this survey?
Last movie you saw? Secretary
Last noise you heard? the IM sound
Last time you went out of the state: I went to Connecticut like a week ago
Things you like in a guy: tall guys mostly. I like (blank) boys. Just too innapropriate. Do you have a crush on someone? didn't I already mention this
Do they know? I don't think he is truely aware
What's his name? I'm not gonna say, you don't need to know
What book are you reading now? The Catcher in the Rye
Favorite board game? LIFE
Favorite magazine? dont have a fave
Worst feeling in the world? Knowing someone loves you for you, and truly cares.
How many rings before you answer? Two usually, on my cell anyways. I’m sry, my EX cell
Future daughter's name: I think Grace is really
Future son's name: So many, either Jordan, Sydney, or Noah
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Nah
Eye Color: blue
College Plans: Denmark, prolly some sorta law school
Hobbies: Friends and tennis, is there anymore out there?
Are You Timely Or Always Late: In between
Do You Have A Job: I’m a student, that counts in my mind
Do You Like Being Around People: Ya, most of the time
Stuff
Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with : Hasn’t everyone?
Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did : Don’t know, maybe I cried inside. But def. not on the outside. I AM NOT A BABY!
Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After : YES, big time!
Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now : Actually, yes. There is someone I really want right now. Jersey is so far away, isn’t it?
Ever Liked a close Girl Friend in a bisexual way: I’ll have to pass on that one. No, sry not that type.
Are You Lonely Right Now: Not really lonely, but I want him!!
Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: Nah, everyone gets married. Look around you
Do You Want To Get Married: At some point
Do You Want Kids: Definitely, two or three
Favorite
Room In house: Family room
Type of music: rap/hip hop/r n b
Memory: My summer house in Denmark, playing with Tim. Good times.
Day Of The Week: Friday
Flower: I don’t like flowers really
Month: January or October, because it’s so pretty
In the last 48 hours, have you:
Cried: Nope
Bought Something: Yes
Gotten Sick: No no
Said I Love You: Yes, well written…
Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didn't: Yes, two minutes ago
Met Someone New: Ehm… No, don’t think so. Ell actually maybe
Talked To Someone: yea
Had A Serious Talk: Kinda, not really
Missed Someone: Big time, yes
Hugged Someone: Ya
Kissed Someone: Ya
Fought With Your Parents: Kind of ya
Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: Yes, biiiiiiiiig time
Had a lot of sleep: Ya, I woke up at 11 this morning
Wanted This Survey To Be Over: It is kinda long isn’t it?
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HollishDanishM
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2003 7 November :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Pharrell- Frontin'
I am pissed off
Wow, lots of stuff happened today. I barely know where to start. I'll just start with the regular, unexciting yet fun stuff.
School was great, very relaxing nothing special. Felt good basically all day.
Went home with Dorina and Maxi and watched "Secretary", weird movie but still kind of sexy in its own twisted way.
I found out something pretty big, and it's really upsetting me and making me extremely pissed off. it's hard to have respect for people when you know what assholes they can be. You know when you think something is lost, and it's really not...? That's about how I feel, I won't tell you anymore but you get the basic idea.
Then at Maxi's, my mom called, basically crying her heart out on the phone. It's pretty scary, especially because my mom doesn't cry a lot. I got very scared, even though it might not have seemed like it, I was freaking out. My nature is really just to keep stuff like that to myself and just deal with it. I can't talk about these things with others, I just can't. Then I get home, all worried and all and she's basically crying for nothing. Ya, she might be upset about a few minor things. No reason to cry though. Crying is over estiamted, you cry when you're upset not just at any time. That's how it is for me anyway. It just pisses me off, that I have to get all worried for nothing.
10 failures |
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HollishDanishM
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2003 6 November :: 8.04pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Fallen- Mya
My daddy
I have a great life.
I'm just gonna start out by saying that, because it really makes a difference to my point.
I'm really sad about my relationship with my dad. It just feels like he does not care at all. He used to be my role model, but i just don't know anymore. He's so funny, and I always felt he was the only person that I could just sit and share my feelings with, without him asking all sorts of mean and evil questions about everything. That is what my mom does, which is why I never tell her anything anymore. But I expected a little more support from my dad. He lives on the fukin other side of the Ocean and he barely ever sees me. It's messed up. He never writes me, never calls me. I am his blood. I am his god damn blood. He could show a little more responsibility, is all I am saying.
It doesn't feel like I have a father. My dad isn't my dad he never does anything to prove that he is my dad. My stepdad is just not my dad either. I didn't exactly grow up with him, I just can't see him in that way.
I'm just really confused is all. I hear so many tales about daughters and fathers having these great relationships and I just wanna experience that.
Keep it burnin',
Mette
p.s. To anyone that scares. I blocked HIM. I finally realized, I mean it this time, that this is the only way the obession will ever stop. It's been having to end for a very long time now. And I am on my way to recovery. Hopefully I won't turn around in the middle and go back. God knows.
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HollishDanishM
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2003 5 November :: 7.01pm
:: Mood: sympathetic
:: Music: Prototype- Outkast
Crrrush
I think I am developing a crush. Just a little one, but it still goes down as a crush. I wonder, what the exact definition is for that anyway. But I already tried looking it up, and it only says the correct definition; something about crushing something into pieces. That's way different.
I just love that feeling, all tingly inside. It feels so good. That's how I feel right now, I love it. I didn't have this feeling for a long time, the last time I did was about a month ago. It's nice that this feeling is back. The guy I have developed this crush on is so sweet. He is actually one of my friend's friends's friends. Ya, I kno it's kind of far out but you understand what I am saying right? I haven't even met him yet, but this weekend will be a lucky one. It is going to be so akward this thing, and it's bad that I have already developed a crush on him. We will see what happens though. I am just in love with this feeling, it feels so good.
On a sadder note... One of our family friends, Manfred, is dying of cancer. The doctors say he onyl has about a week yet. I cried when I heard, it's not fair. He has young kids, four and twelf, it's just not cool. I love him so much, I grew up by his side basically. He was always there to help me with my problems, and now he is almost gone. I can't believe I am probably never going to see him. Here is one of those cases where I wish I had lots of money, so I could just go to Demark right now and see him. Death shouldn't be part of life like this, and him dying is really starting to hit me now. Tears are already running down my cheeks. I cried for the first time in a really long time today, and it actually helped. I always, kind of, got annoyed at those people that cry all the time but it really helps when you're sad. I feel a little better now, but not a lot.
So to you, Manfred, I hope you'll be watching me from wherever you're going. I'll always love you, and I'll miss you dearly.
Thoughts your way.
R.I.P Manfred.
((Hopefully the doctors are going to save hi, but I doubt it. They can do nothing. But maybe a miracle will happen. I really hope so. I'll do anything.))
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2003 5 November :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: She Lives In My Lap- Outkast
nothing
I just read one of my first French sentences, here it is:
Moi? Je suis le frere de Mario.
You know what that means, huh? It means: "Me? I am Mario's cousin." Ya, don't ask but I am still very excited about this. The Matrix sucks, it's the fifth one out already. Ya, I know it is. Don't contradict me. Just that you know, Matrix=God. That's a lesson of life.
Today was really uneventful. Nothing happened at all. Had two tests, probably failed both but not too sure. I'll write something more insightful later, not feeling up to it right now.
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2003 4 November :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Spread- Outkast
Feeling Inspired
As I was browsing through different woohus today, I stumbled upon Dorina's. She has now inspired me to say something to affect everyone, or at least the very few people that actually read this. So expect a very creative side of me today, that you may never have seen before. Or maybe you have.
Today is my brother's, Peter's, birthday. He turned five, and is turning into a big boy in my mind. But when I look at him, I still see a baby maybe because I am so much older than him. I remember when I was five, I felt unstoppable and very powerful. Things were so simple then. You made new friends all the time, you played all day, and you had no real problems. Sometimes I crave to get those times back, and it has always bothered me how I took things for granted when I was once a little naive, innocent girl. I can still remember many of my thoughts and feelings from that time, and they were neither deep or emotional. If I, just for a few hours maybe, could go back to that I would. It just now, that we have so many problems we struggle with everyday, seems like such a wonderful time.
And as the years pass by, you look at yourself. Everchanging, getting more complicated year after year. When I was twelf, I felt a lot more at ease than I do now. It's rather strange how that goes, you would think that as you grow older you learn more. The more knowledge, the more problems you find I think.
Even though we say that we don't go looking for trouble, I think everyone does. Every move you make, is just a problem waiting to happen. Most, anyway. When you start loving someone special, you never think of the concequenses of your actions and you never think of how hurt you could get in the process. You cannot live your life thinking like this of course, but it is an interesting idea to keep in mind.
Love yourself, love your friends, love your life.
Peace y'all
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2003 3 November :: 5.02pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Addicted- Enrique Iglesias
relationships
It's made me wonder. I read people's woohu and they all write about how they want a relationship so bad. Does anyone really have them, or are they just random flings? I wonder. I kno that's how it is for me. I never had a very long relationship, that's for sure. Eveeryone is craving for love all the time, and I guess it makes sense. All you really want is someone to share it all with. I'm not saying a husband, just someone that makes you feel wanted and gives you that extra boost of confidence. It makes sense, but there aren't that many people paired off. It's weird how that is, maybe guys don't feel the same way. Maybe that's why.
That was my random thought of the day, thank you
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2003 1 November :: 12.12pm
:: Mood: excited
HALLOWEEN
Omg, Halloween was the greatest ever. I had so much fun walking around the ABC streets, getting creamed. Danny got me really hard, right thigh. That hurts. It was just such a carefree night, and it felt really good just to fool around without anyone judging. I really loved it. It was one of the best nights in a long time. So thank you to everyone who made my night fun, you guys rock my boat!
Matt didn't show up, which I guess isn't a surprise. But come on, you dont' go around threadening someone for like 5 days, and then not egg them. That's just lame. He's gonna go down either way...
Love you all,
Mette
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2003 30 October :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: Milkshake- Kelis
mixed feelings
Today was pretty good. At least until school ended. Gym was fun we had candy and bio was great, we had a really good time. But then after bio we went to get the French club picture taken, and I couldn't find my cell phone. I still haven't found it and I am pretty sure that someone stole it. Cuz i didn't take it out at all today, but you know w/e. I can't dwell on it... And then my mom embarresed me so much by making me walk alla round campus looking for it. I was humiliated, in my own eyes anyway. It was just horrible.
And like fifty peopel are threadening to egg me, it's pretty weird. I don't know if they hate me or love me. Prolly hate. Defientily hate...
I hate my mom right now.
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2003 29 October :: 7.25pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Can't Stop Won't Stop- State Property
painful truth or feel good lie?
One of my friends said something that got me thinking today. What do you prefer, the painful truth or the feel good lie? It really depends I think. There are many cases where I wished people would have just told me the truth, painful or not. Someone it hurts, but it's really better that way, and that's how it is. Other times though, you wish they just leave it as it is and not tell you. Some things are just better left simple than getting all complex. That's where the drama starts usually. I mean if the guy I liked asked out one of my friends, I'd rather just not have her tell me or him for that matter. There are just some things like that, that you definetily don't want to know. I don't think there's really a clear answer to this, but it really gets you thinking. It's different for everyone though, and it's just matter of opinion.
School is going good again, no shyt with **** anymore, so that's good. It's satisfying to me now that he's out of my life sort of, not that he ever will be just in a way. It was like a heavy load on my shoulder when he was around, now it feels a little more uplifting anyway. And I can enjoy school without feeling all paranoid. I should have realized it earlier, but I guess things happen for a reason, even though I still don't know the reason. But that's ok, no one ever does...
-Mette-
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2003 27 October :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: drownin- Linkin' Park
the act of ignoring
Frustrated.
I am very frustrated
I try to ignore you, and fail.
I tried to win, and I fail.
I even tried to loose, and I fail.
Whenever I look at you I melt,
even though deep down and up close you are the truest asshole.
I try to master you, but it never works.
I don't know what to do, to make it stop.
Why don't you help me, try to move it along?
You wanna try to ignore me?
You think u can?
I think ur wrong, I have tried a thousand times.
And each time I try, I fail.
With the deepest misery.
Everytime I say good-bye, I say good morning everytime.
Getting out of bed has been hard lately,
you make me so miserable I wanna yell.
And when I see you, wherever I go I am aware.
Aware of your presence, even though you don't matter.
You don't matter shit, then why do I keep thinking about you?
You're everywhere, sometimes I see you.
I see you places I shouldn't be seeing you,
and I fall in love with you all over again.
Why you ask? I don't know, I never know around you.
It's funny how I always know what to say all the time isn't it?
But then when I talk to you, it's like my world goes blank.
I wonder if this is really L-O-V-E.
Can it be, is it supposed to feel this way?
Is it supposed to feel like a dark lonely pit. With no dignity, no soul, no heart?
I always thought love was happy, a flower, a blossom anything not like this.
I hate you, but I love you.
I never asked for this,
but you get what you deserve I guess.
And I never did expect this, I must say.
But whatever happens, no matter how much pain u truely cause, I'll always love you.
That's where it ends, it keeps on going in a circle.
It'll never stop, cuz it can't stop.
And if you try, be my guest cuz you'll get nothing but a deep, dark bottomless PIT.
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2003 27 October :: 4.25pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Right Thurr- Chingy
another depressing day
You know, life is getting extremely boring. Nothing happens, everything is the same. it really annoys me, everyone should have fun all the time. I mean it, I mean come on life should be enjoyable. Bot such a bore all the time. It feels like everything I do is becoming a routine, and I am getting very annoyed. I felt so bitchy today too, everything was just annoying me. I love change, naybe the whole moving to China thing is a good idea. it's seriously boring here, and there's nothing to do. My days become totals blurs. And things just start to piss me off. Today, for an example, I woke up got ready, had breakfast, and went to school. Walked around for a bith, went to French, and all of my other classes before lunch. Nothing exciting happened at all. Went to lunch, ate, walked around doing absolutely nothing. Starred at (blank) as usual, and went to my afternoon classes. Absolutely nothing happened. And then right now I am at home doing nothing again, it's just such torture. NOTHING GOING ON!
On another note, I am still hung up on (blank). Not that it matters, cuz it'll always stay like this. I used to think he was hot and stuff, but then after a while it kinda just wore off. But today I saw him kinda close up, I still think he's hot. Suuuper hot. I don't like him anymore, course I always will in some way but he will always be hot to me. Always and forever. Pretty sad how that is, it shouldn't be like this but it'll never change. No matter what he does, it'll always be the same. If he killed my mom I would probably forget it. I am pathetic!!
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2003 26 October :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Get low- Lil Jon & the Eastside Boyz
city
Holla! Went to the city today with Maxi and Dorina. Lots of fun of course. Then we went to Bronxville, and had some ice cream and shyt. Then we went to Don's house, and played PING PONG and some video games. I love pin pong, ya I kno I am such a dork. It really makes you think though, there are so many undiscovered talents out there. I am pretty good at ping pong, and never knew it. That prolly means there are a lot of things out there, that I am good at that I'll never discover. That's sad in a way... But oh well, why dwell when you can... I don't know, w/e. NY was great, we had a really great time I think, ya u kno u like dem Mexicans. I gotta study for french though, don't wanna mess up my easy A. Much love to all of u!
Mwah
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