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:: 2005 9 March :: 9.10 pm

Well, today was better...cept I cant see... contact like flew out of my eye in history class. ummm at lunch we continued to make fun of diets and I destroyed Ellen's hair to the point that she looked like Marie Curie...yah..that bad. hehehe oy vey.. good stuff. Too bad I had no camera with me.

1 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 8 March :: 11.02 pm

Ohh right. She also wants to do "Family Counciling!" I REFUSE. I told her so. I am NOT the one with the problem. SHE can go get counciled if that is what she wants, and HE can burn in the seventh dimension of hell for ALL I give a fuck about. I feel so angry. I feel so empty. I have no thoughts anymore. I'm blank. White as snow. Maybe I do need help...but I'm not going to be included in their sessions. She also suggested just maybe marriage counciling then....oh I remember the days when SHE AND DAD went to that...look where that got us. In Missouri with some other bastard.

Fuckin yay.

Not to add to the drama're son's a FAGGGGGGGGGOTTTT!

how time passes...

:: 2005 8 March :: 10.31 pm

Imagine, if you would, being adopted by a gay couple as a baby. Suspending any judgments or questions about how and why, imagine your feelings if your primary caregivers were either two lesbian women or two gay men. Pick one or the other couple and get in touch with your feelings.

These people love you very much and are proud of you. You love them too and want them to be proud. These men or women nursed you when you were very sick, walked you to your first day of school, taught you to read, bought you your first bicycle. What would that be like?

What would it feel like if these gay people had other children, too--children who identified themselves as gay? Your older brother has a boyfriend with whom he holds hands. You have seen your older sister kiss her same-sex date. What would that feel like?

And what would it feel like if all others thought you were gay, too? Not only do they think you are gay, they expect you to be gay. In a variety of ways, they let you know that if you want to make them proud, if you want to make them happy, if you want to be always welcomed, you will one day bring home someone of the same sex. They are counting on you to be gay. How do you feel and who do you tell how you feel?

Let's leave the house. You are fourteen years old and heading to your first day of high school. Remember that day? You are sitting next to your best friend on the bus. The bus driver has a song on the radio and all of the kids are singing the words to the song. You know the words and you are singing at the top of your lungs, "I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay!"

Without figuring out how and why it would work, how would it feel to be fourteen years old, sitting next to your best friend who is gay and who thinks you are too, singing a gay song the gay bus driver has turned up loud on the gay radio station? How would it feel if every song you ever heard was written by one gay person to another? What if every book you ever read, every movie you ever saw, every billboard you ever passed featured the beauty and joy of gay love? How do you feel and who do you tell how you feel?

Now, not everyone is a healthy, happy homosexual. There are people who are thought to be sexually obsessed with people of the other sex. The very thought could make you sick. These people are technically called heterosexuals, but most folks refer to them as "breeders." "Make love not breeder babies," the bumper sticker says. Once, when a local group of breeders tried to get legislation passed so they would not lose their jobs or apartments for being straight, you actually saw a sign that read: "Kill a breeder for Christ."

In seventh grade your best friend whispered in your ear that "God would vomit in the presence of breeders." That same year, someone wrote in Magic Marker on the john wall, "Kelly is a breeder," and no one sat with Kelly all week in the school cafeteria. In eighth grade, the boy suspected of being a breeder was teased incessantly and was always the first one hit in the head with the dodge ball during gym. The girl suspected of being a breeder had her locker trashed on a regular basis. How do you feel and who do you tell how you feel?

Your homeroom teacher is gay. The principal is gay. Your guidance counselor is gay, and the librarian is gay. Everyone thinks you are, too.

You go to college, hoping things will be different. Please let it be different. In college there is a group of breeders just like you who are brazen enough to have weekly meetings in the student union. But everyone makes fun of them. No one wants to share a room with them. No one wants to sit with them in the cafeteria or have them in their social groups. Some people actually get up and move if a breeder sits next to them in class. The posters announcing their meetings are defaced or torn down. So keep on your mask. Stay in the closet. Date someone of the same sex. You are now expected to french kiss. You are now having gay sex. Such pressure to conform. How do you feel? Who can you tell?

As a senior you are walking down the street and at the gay newsstand on the corner you see a gay man pointing and laughing at something. He is pointing and laughing at a tiny stack of newspapers that say Heterosexual News. There are people with the same sick secret you have who are organized enough to put out a newspaper, and this man is laughing at it. When he moves on, you reach down, grab the breeder newspaper, grab two gay magazines to hide it, put down more money than the three of them cost, don't look the man behind the counter in the eye, don't wait for your change, hurry home to your room, lock the door, think of a hiding place for this piece of trash because if your roommate discovers it you are out on your ear, and read about yourself for the very first time. Read each word carefully.

On page 6 you see an advertisement for a bar located in your college town that caters to people just like you. Every night of the week when you are with gay friends pretending to be gay yourself, heterosexual men and women are gathering in this bar. You decide you have to see for yourself. Not once have you ever met another heterosexual person. Whatwill they be like?

You sneak away from your gay friends and go to the bar. You enter nervously and order a quick drink. Then another. Then another. Fortified enough to look around the room, you see men dancing with women. Men and women are laughing and talking and holding hands and putting their arms around each other. Initially it scares you, but strangely enough you feel at home.

The attractive person of the other sex who has been smiling at you from the other side of the bar finally gets up the nerve to walk over and introduce him - or herself to you, and offers to buy you a drink. You talk nervously at first and then with excitement. You say it is your first trip into a bar like this. "Is it safe?"

"The police used to raid it and take us all down to the station every so often, but they leave us alone pretty much now," he or she explains. "Would you like to dance?"

The next day your gay friends say, "Boy, are you in a good mood. Where were you last night?" All day long, all you can think about is the bar, your new friend, and how comfortable you felt being surrounded by people just like you. You return over and over. You spend a lot of wonderful time with your new friend--with your new love. You can't stand to be apart from your friend. You want to introduce him or her to your gay friends and to your gay family, but you are afraid. You don't want to lose your family or friends, but you don't want to lose your new love, either. Keep your secret.

Eventually, the two of you get an apartment together. It has to be a two-bedroom apartment because the gay landlord would never rent a one-bedroom apartment to a man and a woman. That would be sick and disgusting. Besides, how would you ever be able to entertain your gay friends and gay family? So you stretch your dollars and rent a two-bedroom apartment. You put your possessions in one bedroom and your lover puts his or her things in the other, and you close the shades at night and hide your breeder books and newspapers when you leave for work because you can't risk losing this honeymoon heaven you have found for yourself.

No one at work knows about your friend--not your boss, not your office mate. His or her picture is not on your desk. You don't call each other at work. You attend office social functions alone or you bring a gay date. You panic when people start talking about holiday or weekend plans, when they attempt to fix you up with their gay brother or lesbian sister, or when someone tells a breeder joke.

It's okay. You can survive it, you think. You're fine. It isn't fun, but it's tolerable. And then one day you are walking home and a stranger asks you how your friend is doing. "Did your friend make it?" they ask. "How horrible it must be." You sense tragedy. No one called you. How could they? You insisted that your lover not carry your name in his or her wallet. What if the wallet was stolen? People would find out.

Finally you find your friend on the other side of a plate-glass window in the intensive-care unit of a local hospital. With eyes swollen shut, he or she fights for life alone because no one told you. Your first impulse is to rush in, take his or her hand, kiss it gently, and say, "I'm sorry. No one told me. I'm here. Hang in there. I love you," but you quickly remind yourself that the gay doctors and gay nurses who are attempting to bring back out of critical condition the love of your life presume they are working on a homosexual. What would their reaction be, you wonder, if they knew that this person is a breeder? How would that affect them? Should you do anything that would reveal the secret?

Do you go into the intensive-care unit, or do you sit outside and wait. In either case, can you call your gay boss or your gay office mate and come out at that time? Can you tell them you won't be into work the next day and why? Can you ask that someone come down and sit with you? How do you feel and who do you tell how you feel?

2 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 8 March :: 9.02 pm
:: Mood: drained

Joan Walker-Newton 1916-2005

Great Gram passed away this morning round 4. She was a lovely woman... one hell of a woman... I was going to do a proper reflection of her on here, but I just cannot organize my thoughts to even attempt one. ...bah. I was really tired today to begin with. Bobby was supposed to leave a few days ago. All mum does is cry...that's what she's doing right now infact... she is currently having a "discussion" with Bobby. God. The other morning she was going insane...stressed to the max and just SCREAMING at my brother. I felt really bad. She then was just sitting on the coutch bawling..and I say "I'm so sick of this shit.." and I head out for the morning... on my way to the my utter, mindless anger, I kick his car, throw gravel at it and my books... I ..god I can't even think


I don't understand how...each man in my life has left or screwed me over..or just brought total pain to me... except for my grandfather...yet I am gay... jesus.


Tomorrow is Wednesday...that means it's the day Ellen can deliver the letter... Should I even give it anymore? If so, how? If not, why not?

Ich ertrink ein laenger weile
Rette mich....

2 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 28 February :: 10.04 pm

oh irony of ironies. I have to stay in the Fair Play room at State.... yeah...assumably four boys in a two-bed room... oyy vey. I'm sneaking to Ingrid's room and sleeping there. a Chreest this is going to be oddddddddd. I have to give the letter. Hopefully Ellen and I will go have nosh at Simon B's on Friday. oh i dunno ba;jkeklrjalerjawe awoierjaw;oeijawio;rjawo;eirjaweio;rjaweo;rjaweio;rjaeioawo;eirj

that's slightly better. I'm going to bed. It feels like im being kicked behind my eyes. maybe i'll put something of substance in here one of these days.

how time passes...

:: 2005 24 February :: 6.46 pm

Afff. Have you ever written something late at night and when you awake it's just crappy? Well I wrote a "letter" to Bryce last night at around midnight... He will most likely never receive it. I shall most likely post it here later.

I was going to call him tonight but my stomach is killing me. I think it's from a combination of Girl Scout thin mint cookies...(which i love...yet they kill my stomach) and nerves. I do hope thus the reason for my pain is only that and I'm not contracting a bug or something.

I got a 100% on my Geometry test! I NEVER score that high on those. That was one good factor of today. Andy was an asshole to me in English..... I was commenting today, in Mrs. Neal's class, of how much I am sick of these trailor trash whores in freshman year going around talking about who should fight whom and who is screwing whom etc etc. they are so un-lady-like. It's always the same group...scumbags. I don't understand what punching someone really solves unless they're right on your back or going to kill you... I mean an effin monkey can do such a thing!

ahh i shall say more later...
Maybe it is a bad omen...maybe i shall call him tomorrow
I need confidence

how time passes...

:: 2005 22 February :: 10.49 pm

I am going to state as a delegate!!!
Thannnnnk you Karma...and such..
I wonder if this means if I get my own room... If I have to share let it be with a gay guy!!! lol. I hope it shall be fun.

We also got first place at our Branson invitational quiz bowl
It's not been that bad of a day...

Maybe tomorrow shall be better...

I love ye!

how time passes...

:: 2005 21 February :: 11.31 pm

FBLA was horrid
I feel run over
I dont get to go to state
Mum and Bobby fought the rest of the day
Mum cried lots
Cradeled myself on the floor of my room and was shaking...
Stared at my door for two hours..
Made a Piaskowa Cake for Chels's Poland report.

This has been a shit day.

I love him so much..
I want him to know

Abners I miss you
Terri I miss you
Ingrid I love you

1 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 17 February :: 9.31 pm
:: Mood: seething

It is interesting to me how people assume that comments are directed towards them. It is even more interesting that their replies deal with a subject that has not even been mentioned. It is also interesting how vapid people can become. I do applaud you for calling me only a homosexual. Atleast that's decent. Moreover though, a hick? Sorry. You're apparently confused.

how time passes...

:: 2005 17 February :: 3.51 pm

Bryce called me Valentine's Day evening. I hope to see him on Saturday. On est sur une recherche. I shall update later.

Tot ziens

how time passes...

:: 2005 13 February :: 9.21 pm

Well. I went to Terri's house last night with Abners. Basically...I let's say I was eating captain crunch and couldnt sleep til five a.m. lungs arms were basically useless. It was a bit funny. I jumped on this bar thing outside of the apartment...i wasn't as dead as i thought i would be today. Gilbert worked some freak ass shift from 11-730, so needless to say I worked with him for aboot three hours....he's so pretty and i can hardly..even function around him...bc i get really embarassed. He spoke to me a few times today. Twas quite odd.. I need to get a photo of him, no? Tomorrow is El Dia de Los Muertos... I can't wait ~rolls eyes~ I have to learn this cell cycle shit for science. It makes no sense. geeh. I wish I had not smoked. I still feel really blank.

how time passes...

:: 2005 8 February :: 10.52 pm

I have a LOT to update about..

5 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 2 February :: 11.54 pm

found out today that Great Gram has a brain tumour.
Got another call later only to find out that my mum's aunt Bonnie died. It's been a day. I've never seen my grandmother cry so hard..nor anyone for that matter. I don't want to imagine it when her husband dies or whichever. God. I'm just numb..and I'm all mixed up in my events now. I don't know what I will do when one of my grandparent's go. I will faint, I swear. I won't come out of my house. My god I love them.

I shall be in Massachusetts from Saturday until Tuesday. Funeral is on Monday. I will be visiting my lovely great Gram during the rest of the visit.

I love you all


3 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 1 February :: 11.06 pm

omg i just ate like...
an entire thing of pistacio pudding

feel the lipids

how time passes...

:: 2005 30 January :: 11.50 pm

So, yesterday I ventured to Springfield with Amber for the third consecutive week. We picked up Terri...but first had tacos that her mommy made. She's better than a Mexican..I swear...I had like six. I went to Aéropostale and bought, yet again, some more clothing...I really began to drive Amber and Terri crazy because I kept walking in circles around things I'd already passed etc. But that's how I shop, I can never usually make up my mind at the first glance. Amber went to go get Chase, her bf later on while Terri went to go see her friends at the other end of the mall..and I vainly went to JC penny to change :-P they don't monitor their changing rooms at I do that often. I met her friend Joey..he seemed pretty cool...reminded me a LOT of Cole... He even sorta looked like him..but skinnier. Of course Mikey was with him. I hadn't seen Mikey in ages..he's so adorable! He's just really easy going but yet again that could be the amount of drugs he's on.... ~shudder~ Then I bought everyone drinks from Orange Julius...Terri and I split a strawberry one that we practically inhaled..damn it was so GOOD. I bought Terri a hat from Spencer's that says "Rock out with your cock out." It's SO freaking ugly. It's one of those nasty ass trucker hats that dumbass people wear on the side of their heads and think they're so à la mode... It's yellow with a brown brim and orange writing...but it's so something she'd wear. I was going to buy her virgin Mary beads to hang in front of her "closet" at home... I did buy her a poster though that has the female sign from a bathroom on it..cept it's revitalized! It's red with big boobs and horns. hehehe. Chase broke his wrist btw..he seemed a bit pissed at first last night...assumably from his pain-killers or lack thereof. ermmm we of course went to Dairy Queen to see Terri's lovah. Terri and I rode in Mikey's old BMW convertable with no back window..we always go in and out it..blasting music and hanging out the window..classic stuff I like Sabrina, she's better than any damn guy Terri ever dated from what I can so far tell. I ordered some fries for Terri and I...Patrick was there and he was a huge bastard to us..but this time he spoke..only because there was nobody else around to take our order. I disliked his tone of voice though and he was basically clutching his register. Apparently last week or so, a paper that had Terri's number scrawled on it fell out of Sabrina's pocket during work and Dustin found it; he noticed that it had "your lover" written across the top. Sabrina just blushed and wouldn't tell him who it was from or something...but he decided to make fun of Patrick by saying it was my number... Basically Patrick got scared once when Terri took a pic of him with my camera. He is such a closet case tho..he wouldn't even face us when I was there...and made Dustin or Sabrina come out usually to wait on us.. Jesus, you should see how he clentches his ass together when he walks..Terri always will scream to him in the back room "Patrickkkkkk come out and play!! I wont bite you this time!" or yesterday she was like "Hey cupcake, whatya doing after work?" God, he's such a bastard. All because of little gay me! Oh we finally got Amber to eat some chicken after she had not eaten for two days or more...jeeze..she even passed out the other day. I told her her body could only live off itself for so long. I was glad she finally ate. I think it's hilarious though about Patrick. Mikey and Joey left us from DQ to obviously go smoke pot... so we decided to go to Barnes and Noble. We were there for quite a while... Terri and I spent a lot of time in the art section looking at this 125$ book of Frida Kahlo and stuff from Francis Bacon. He is really interesting. We looked a lot at the gay and lesbian section and in the psychology and relationship sections too. We were all sitting around looking at books by Freud and dream books..and this one random lady was just having me look up what her dream meant about her having a pistol duel with Mark Twain... She probably was on acid, no? It was so comfy and peaceful there and we all left in great moods. We took Terri home and went down the road only to be pulled over for Amber's light being out above her liscence plate... None of us had our seatbelts on..but managed to put them on ...and yah they ended up searchin the car bc they thought we had drungs..etc etc..the policeman was young...and HOT...but we were on our way soon and didnt get ticketed..although chase was driving with an expired liscence and all too... meh, so Chasie poo was dropped at Mikey's for more pot...and we saw Jon and his new cunt gf...who basically flagged abners and I down.. We got our limeades from Sonic like usual..and i tried showing her the tiny cute guy at Taco Bell..but he didnt appear to be home ..talked on comp and ill post bout today later...

good times

2 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes... | Random Journal