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jezebel in hell

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:: 2004 11 March :: 9.18 pm
:: Mood: cold and tired

i don't know..... ok, about work, it is pretty certain that we are going under.... i am probably going to take the job with julie, i will be losing $ but i also won't have the opportunity again to make as much as even 10$ an hour... or at least no time soon... sigh, i don't know, bo told me that carmen has told him to stop buying things for the bay, and he also told me not to order coffee today for next week.... tell tale signs? i think so... why else? and the problem is that carmen isn't telling anyone and that is pissing me off big time, because that is no way to run a business... well, it is if you want to run it into the ground... and my whole thing is that there will be those people that will be saying that it went under because of poor management, well, the fact of the matter is that is wasn't management that was the problem, it was poor ownership that is putting this place under...

ok, well that is only one thing i am aggravated about now... ok, i know that this is going to sound really dumb, but there is this thing that mike does that pisses me off big time... *sigh*, we will be watching tv, and he will get up, toss the remote to me, and say good night really fast and like, run into the bedroom and shut the door... so then i have to go and turn off all the lights, and the tv, and put the pillow back on his chair so the cat doesn't sit there... and it bothers me, and he knows it but he just thinks that it is funny... he will go into the bedroom, and shut off all of the lights, and then expect me to find the bed in the dark, and i have REPEATEDLY asked him to leave the closet light on or at least the night light but he NEVER does that either... and when he runs to the bedroom he never kisses me goodnight, it is like i always have to go and persue him and get up and give him a kiss... well tonight after the usual tossing of the remote, and running to the bedroom, he had come out a minute later to put his phone out into the hallway, (half way back to me might i add) and i asked him to come and give me a kiss and he didn't even do that for me... and i told him that i wasn't coming to bed right away and he was just like "ok, well goodnight"", but now i am mad because i am trying to prove a point to him and he won't even get it, he won't even think that i am mad at all, and if he knows i am then he will just go to sleep and know that i will still be in the bedroom and up at 5am to wake his ass up... now i have only been in here about a half an hour and i think i can still hear the tv in the next room and i don't want to go in there because now if he is still awake, and all i want to do is go to sleep, he is going to want to get some, and i am really not in the mood right now... and one more thing that i don't like... when he is in the computer room, and he is on the computer he will lock the bedroom door when he shuts it. and i HATE that because i just feel like asking him what is he doing that he has to lock the door. he says that it is just habit.... BULLSHIT, he never locks the door except for when he is on this freekin' computer! and i know that he is in chatrooms, and that doesn't piss me off because i know that he would never physically cheat on me, but he IMs people and they talk back and forth, and i just hate it.... i won't say that i am NOT jealous because a little bit i am but i don't know... it makes me mad tho because if i am home, and i come into the room he like sort of tries to hide it by closing it out really fast but i am not dumb, and then i will be getting something in the room, and an IM will keep popping up and he will keep closing it as if i am not going to see it or notice it..... i think maybe i wouldn't be so mad if he didn't try to hide what ever it is that he is doing but if you act guilty then you probably are...
don't get me wrong, i love the guy but i am very mad right now!!!!

tell me lies...

:: 2004 10 March :: 8.24 pm
:: Mood: confused


my job sucks, my employees don't respect me, (i hate them all, they are all complete idiots, they don't work at all, they're drinks suck , and customers are complaining to ME about it!) my boss doesn't respect me or back me up, he doesn't give a shit about the bussiness anymore, (why should i?) i am extremely stressed out. (the bussiness is probably going to be going under VERY soon!)

another problem:

i like the actual job, i truely love my customers, i make GREAT $, i make my own schedule, i don't work weekends, and i won't be able to ever find any thing like it ever again. (and i REALLY like the $)


julie, (a customer of mine who has been coming in for a few years now) is a morgage broker, a loans officer.... offers me a job as her personal assistance for 12$ an hour, about 30 hours a week.... i gross $350 a week now, not including my tips, (that is another added $125 a week on average) working 30 hours at 12$ an hour, i would only gross $360 a week and NO TIPS AT ALL!

BUT, i wouldn't have the stress, i know i like julie, she really sincerely loves her job, she says that i would do great there.

BUT, now just today she tells me that she talked with her boss, and her boss' personal assistance, and she only pays $10 an hour and she thinks that 12 is way too much, and if julie will pay me only 10$ an hour, then she also gives bonuses... if i help her close on 10 loans a month, then there she will pay me an additional $50, and that times 12 months, is a potential extra $600 in my pocket.

BUT, i would definitely be taking a loss, a dramatic loss.....

yet another problem:

if i do not take the job with julie, and coffee bay goes under, where do i go, no where could i possibly make the amount of $ i make now, and no where would i have the amount of "freedom" i do now, BUT no where else would i have all the shit that comes with coffee bay.

if i were to get another job, the first thing i would have to say is, "um yeah, and by the way, i am going to need an entire week off in the beginning of june for my wedding"



i have no idea what i can do... if it was 12$ an hour, at 30 hours a week, i would have been losing $ but not that much, and i still probably would have taken it, but now, i just don't know.... i could get a part time job waitressing on the weekends, and live on those tips. but then i wouldn't be stressed, i would just be exhausted from working 7 days a week.


i am so confused, i am so torn, i do not know what to do.


tell me lies...

:: 2004 25 February :: 9.41 pm

i got the engagement ring on valentines day!!!! i got it, i got it, i got it!!! it is almost a full carat, it is near colorless, and near flawless, and it is mine, all mine!!!! yay!!! it is beautiful, (it is HUGE!!!) ok, i won't brag but i love it sooo much! (but you know, he could have gotten me like, an 1/8 of a carat and i would still be saying the same thing, because i love my mikey!!!) so i got it on saturday the 14, and gave it back on wednesday the 18 to get sized, (because it was sooo big on my ring finger that i had to wear it on my middle finger instead!!!) so i JUST got it back today, a whole week later... man, i was lost with out that ring... the thing is, that ya' get it, ya get a little taste what it is like to wear it, and ya never want to give it up!!! well, i ain't never taking this bad boy off ever again!!!!!
ok, it is past my bedtime, talk to you later!!!
oh, and jess, if you are reading this, it was SOOO great to see you, but now i want you back again!

tell me lies...

:: 2004 12 February :: 10.36 pm

tomorrow (sp?) is february 13th, mine and mikes 1year and 10 month anniversary. i can not believe we are going to be getting married in less then 4 months!!! i am still sort of in this state of dis-belief. not a bad thing, but i just can't believe that this is it, this is the reality of it, i AM getting married... i am not getting cold feet, (although i am quite cold right now, ) but i REALLY want this to work out... i want to be with mikey for the rest of my life, and i hope that it happens, but..... i am scared shitless!!! no way around it, I AM SCARED! i am not entirely sure of what i am afraid of, but i don't want to end up having this.... this feeling in my stomach... butterflies maybe?... (i BETTER not puke on the alter!!!!!)
*sigh*, i dunno. i am so fortunate to have him in my life, and YES we do fight, and yes we do argue, but in a relationship, ya' gotta bicker sometimes right? and since all of these wedding plans have been going on, (for about 2 months now) we have not fought, things are falling into place nicely.
this weekend is valentine's day. i don't ever remember being so scared for a weekend to happen, my mom is going to be out of town from sat-mon, and i think.... well, i hope.... well, figure it out... i am pretty sure, but, we'll see.


tell me lies...

:: 2004 25 January :: 9.38 pm
:: Mood: loved

1.) june 4th-11th vegas with mikey
2.) wedding in vegas with mikey
3.) wedding in vegas with mikey and 4 of our best friends to witness
5.) *in an annoying happy voice* "i'm gonna get married, i'm gonna get married!"
6.) *the shock sets in* "oh my god, i am going to go to vegas in june, and i am going to get married!"
7.) ok, ok... i am calm, i am calm..... i am not calm, i am .....excited, nervous, happy, scared, VERY happy, VERY nervous, anxious, and every other adjective that you can think of that pretty much means..... I AM GOING TO VEGAS IN FOUR MONTHS AND I AM GOING TO BE TERESA MARIE WILLIAMS!!!
8.) i am too wired to be writing now, talk to you soon!

2 sweet little liesweet little lies | tell me lies...

:: 2004 15 January :: 9.21 pm

ok, ok, i know it has been a while, a long while, and this is going to be brief but i will explain more later..... ring? soon! wedding? elope in vegas! vacation? soon, in vegas, to elope..... this summer!!!!!!!!!

ok, that was just the teaser!

tell me lies...

:: 2003 7 December :: 6.59 pm
:: Mood: emotionally exhausted

i don't know what to think.... i believe that if a person needs to think about wether or not they want to break up with someone, that probably means that they do, and that there are doubts about the relationship..... it has been almost 8 hours now since the question was propsed to michael, and he has not given me an answer and i asked him again about 5 minutes ago if he had an answer to my question, and he just said "what question?" and i know damn well that he knew what question, and so i asked him, and he says "i am still thinking about it" so i mentioned that if he still needs to think about it then maybe that means that he might really want to end this and that he should do some real hard thinking about it and let me tell you, that sucks.... i am very emotionally tired over this... i have cried a lot today, and i can't anymore because if i do, i might end up doing something stupid so for the rest of the evening, i am just going to leave him alone, and i know that tomorrow morning he is going to act like nothing has happened and i am going to end up hurting even more.... *sigh* i don't know.... good night i guess....

6 sweet little liesweet little lies | tell me lies...

:: 2003 7 December :: 12.10 pm
:: Mood: angry

i can't stand it when someone gives me mixed emotions, i can't stand the fact that when a question is asked, a strait, simple and truthful answer can not be given...... if it is a yes or no question the answer should be yes or no, not some fucking bull shit answer like "yeah, i guess so" or "maybe".... a fucking YES or NO is good!!! argh, i am so fucking pissed off right now, mike is being such a fucking cock sucker, he is saying really mean and stupid shit like "well maybe i should go out and look for an apartment" and the fucking shit is that i don't know wether or not he is truthful or just saying it to piss me off because he is REALLY pissing me off and i ssssooooooo very much wanted to fucking punch him but instead i came in here and i vent to a fucking piece of plastic!!! JEEZ i fucking hate this shit, wwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy!
why does he do that shit, this fucking fight was because i told him we had other shit to do today, and we would clean next weekend, and he called me fucking lazy, i am not fucking lazy, it is just that there is a lot more stuff that we need to do today, and ya know what, if cleaning waits until next week, then so-fucking be it!!!

tell me lies...

:: 2003 4 December :: 9.44 pm
:: Mood: annoyed

ok, so i am gonna sound like the bitchy, jelous girlfriend for a minute..... I CAN NOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT PISSES ME OFF THAT MIKE GOES INTO CHATROOMS AND IM'S PEOPLE, (girls mostly) AND THEN TRIES TO HIDE IT FROM ME LIKE HE IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!!!!!! so i come home after babysitting and mike is right where i left him (3 1/2 hours later) parked in front of the computer, so i am standing there trying to get a hello kiss from him and he is 'pretending' to fuck around with the computer when an IM keeps coming up, like 3-4 times, and he just deleted them without reading them so then i left the room, and came back about 5 min later, to ask him about dinner, and he is writing back to that person........... aaarrrggghhh! I HATE IT, he may very well be just doing innocent shit, (and i hope to dear god he is) but then why hide it from me like he IS doing something wrong!!!!!!??????????!!!!!!!!

g'nite, tree

tell me lies...

:: 2003 3 December :: 9.30 pm
:: Mood: bored

teresa's bday info, (got off of jess' journal, kinda interesting)

You entered: 9/15/1979
You were born on a Saturday
under the astrological sign Virgo.
Your Life path number is 5.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2444131.5.
The golden number for 1979 is 4.
The epact number for 1979 is 2.
The year 1979 was not a leap year.

As of 12/3/2003 8:21:00 PM CST
You are 24 years old.
You are 291 months old.
You are 1,264 weeks old.
You are 8,845 days old.
You are 212,300 hours old.
You are 12,738,021 minutes old.
You are 764,281,260 seconds old.

There are 287 days till your next birthday
and 22 days till Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.

OK, I'LL TALK TO YOU ALL ABOUT NYC WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME, (and time to bitch too.... nevermind for now)

tell me lies...

:: 2003 20 November :: 9.39 pm
:: Mood: getting excited

in less then 6 days, i will be on a plane to nyc with mom, i am so excited! (and i am in dire need of a vacation too!) my last vacation was last thanksgiving when i went to indy to see jess, i REALLY need a vacation.... away from work, away from home, away from bflo.......... and away from mikey even tho i KNOW i am going to miss him, i am so dumb, i will probably call him every nite, and he will get so bugged by me that he will be happy i am gone....
my only problem is that i get pissed off after coming back to work on a monday morning after only being gone from friday at 3pm, i have NO IDEA just how bad the place is gonna be after i am gone from wed. at 2pm all the way to mon. at 3pm..... yikes, god help me when i blow a gasket!!!!!!!!!! ok, it is time for bed, (how pathetic am i?, it is only 930!) nite nite, tree

1 sweet little lie | tell me lies...

:: 2003 17 November :: 3.34 pm
:: Mood: blah

i don't know, i am just sort of blah right now, and i felt i needed to talk (or write) but i really don't know what about.... sort of depressed i guess, i don't know, i think i am going to go on the treadmill now, maybe work through this shitty feeling...*sigh* tree

tell me lies...

:: 2003 31 October :: 11.54 pm
:: Mood: i want to be tired

well, another halloween is almost over.... it is entirely too late for me to be up still, but yet, here i am, WIDE awake.... mikey is asleep, jessica and chris are at 'the ice palace', and i wanted to drink tonight *lush* but mikey wanted to stay home and watch a movie, i guess i could have drank here but it would have been alone because mikey can't drink too much because of his tummy, and i didn't want to be a loser and drink alone.... but i am a loser, and i sat home on halloween. i dressed up for work, i was a... get this... an angel. ummm, yeah, a little off ya' think?!?! i only worked a half a day today (thank god!) because jessica is in town, (see previous journal entry) and then we went up to the falls, i haven't really SEEN them in a long time! i mean, i have been up there a lot, but it was always to just go to the casino, or whatever, but i like it there, it is really cool.
well, mikey has to go to his dads again tomorrow to put up the last of the snow fencing, and awww, darn, i can't go because we have company staying at our house and that would just be rude to leave them here alone.... oh no, i am not gonna have to go and bull shit for 5 hours with vivian, how will i manage?
ok, flashback, the radio is playing the song 'take on me', (or 'take me on', whatever) by the group AHA. wow, those were the days... i have been watching "i love the 80's strikes back" on VH1, i LOVE some of the shit that they have on there, like, the fraggles, (fraggle rock!) and like converse sneakers, (remember when they were HUGE?!? admit it, you owned a pair, i did, they were an ugly dark green) and like ripped jeans, i remember totally destroying a pair of me jeans in like fifth grade, because i wanted to be cool.... well, i am 24 now, and i am still not entirely cool, but i am ok with that now. and do you remember the 'stoned wash' jeans look, i think i tried to do that in my basement with splattering bleach all over them, yeah, i was definitely not one of the cooler kids.
they are playing some really good shit on the radio tonight, why can't they play this shit during the day when i have to work, and i have to listen to 'easy listening' where they play the same block of songs every hour and a half... yeah, that sucks because i work 8 1/2 hour shifts, 5 days a week, i swear if i hear christina aguilara 'beautiful' song one more time, i will break something!
ok, i am still not tired and it is only like 20 minutes later then when i started, maybe i will go and read or something....
good night, and... happy halloween!

tell me lies...

:: 2003 28 October :: 3.06 pm
:: Mood: anxious

JESSICA IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!! jessica is coming to town!!!!!! JESSICA IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!! jessica is coming to town!!!!!! JESSICA IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!! jessica is coming to town!!!!!! JESSICA IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!! jessica is coming to town!!!!!! JESSICA IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!! jessica is coming to town!!!!!! JESSICA IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!! jessica is coming to town!!!!!! YAY!

1 sweet little lie | tell me lies...

:: 2003 25 October :: 5.44 pm
:: Mood: bored

so today, mikey went over to his dads to do work, and THANK GOD i didn't have to go! i would either have to stay inside and bullshit with his step mom vivian, (whom i DO NOT care for), or i would have had to go outside in the rain and be put to work as the "bitch girl" that has to go and run and get everything for them.... so my PUNISHMENT for staying home was that i had to clean the fridge, YAY! well, last time he went to his dads to work and i didn't go, yet again, my punishment was to clean, only that time, get this, i got to clean not only the bedroom, BUT o got to clean the entire bathroom too, wow was that fun! see, it is not that i mind cleaning, but i DO mind when mike says "now make sure that you get this this this and this, and blah blah blah blah" like i am a frickin idiot.
i don't know, i love him but he is a little bossy, and just because he is a workaholic, and likes to constently work, doesn't mean that i have to too! i mean, i put in my 40 + hours weekly, i LIKE my weekends, to be MY weekends, and to just RELAX!, seriously i don't think that he even has that word in his vocabulary....

ok, enough about that, i DID get to spend some time with mommy, we watched the rest of our tapes, (we tape charmed and gilmore girls weekly and watch them whenever we both have a spare moment together), and we cooked this totally pain in the ass caserole, but it tastes so good! so then when she left to go pick up james, and go to church, i cleaned up the HUGE mess that we made in the kitchen. what a nice daughter i am! we also went to the farmers market, and spent lots of money there on fruits, and veggies, and cheese and wine, and cider, the best frickin cider i have ever tasted, the woman said it was just pressed yesterday at 3pm, OHHHH so very yummy in my tummy!

i am getting excited for the end of the week, jess is coming to town, i miss her so much! e-mailing, and phone calls just aren't the same as in person! i miss what we had, our friendship, in junior high, in high school, and her apartment on elmwood, sitting on her roof under the stars drinking entire bottles of wine, crying my eyes out over that total JACK ASS jay! so THAT is why i will be glad to see her again.

mikey just called, and now it looks like we aren't gonna go out tonight, we were supposed to go to the corn maze, but since it has been raining all day, that means that it is gonna be a mud pit out there, so maybe next weekend, (which is gonna be busy because next weekend is halloween) but now i think we are goona go to a movie, and see 'kill bill', i wanted to go and play pool, or darts, or SOMETHING, go out to a bar or anything, but, he said he shouldn't be drinking because of his stomach, and he doesn't want to go play pool because i suck and wouldn't give him any compitition, and he doesn't want to go play darts, because HE sucks at it and i will beat him.... what a guy, so the final decision was, "that is what i want to do so that is what we are going to so, we are going to go and see that movie!"
well, RRAAAHHHRE, do not piss him off..

ok, i am going to go and see what mom is up to, mmmmmm, dinner sounds like a good idea, see ya, tree

tell me lies... | Random Journal