:: 2004 13 September :: 7.18 pm

o yeah, new site:
www.freewebs.com/fumu

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:: 2004 27 August :: 2.47 pm
:: Mood: incompetent

so i went to the chinese visa place in san francisco. damn i wish i could read chinese better. i got worried cuz all the forms were in chinese and i couldn't read what half of them said. but then i found the english form. what a shame, i know. sigh...
there were these signs and pamphlets outside the door while i was waiting in line for them to open about how the chinese police tortured a bunch of people for practicing falun gong...it's a kind of meditation, kind of like tai chi...some elderly people were practicing it outside the buildling. there were illustrations and such and it was pretty brutal what they did...when i snapped back to pay attention to what was going on with the line, i realized that the whole time i was reading the displays, i had a look of shock and disgust on my face. i don't understand people sometimes...
the lady behind the visa application desk greeted me in english, prolly assumed that i was just another ABC. i greeted her in chinese. i hate being cast as someone who doesn't speak her own language. though i am nearing that point a little more every day. where have i been! i need to know chinese. and well. now.
well i hope i get my rent check sometime soon and hopefully i won't get bit in the ass a second time by yet another subletter.

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:: 2004 26 August :: 10.37 pm
:: Mood: o music!

MUSIC IS LIFE. i can't tell you how music makes me feel...it KNOWS me. call me a freak, but i absolutely love it. it just WORKS...in this world of non-workingness. if i could kiss it a thousand times and worship it i would...thank you everyone who have made music in their lifetime! sigh...(of joy and pleasure)

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:: 2004 26 August :: 9.54 pm

counting down the days until i leave for china. it seems as if everyone's leaving. so it only feels right if i leave too. not much is here for me anymore. sad, but true. sigh...i look forward to my days in china doing pretty much not much...hanging out with my grandma, reading the 4 books that i promised myself i would finish...drinking in some bars, some tennis with the old pop, shopping and buying cheap stuff...but mostly hanging out with my grandma and eating good, good, good, GREAT, the BEST homemade chinese food ever...and when i get back, it's pack pack pack and drive drive drive to LA...hopefully i can find someone to drive with me...china's my pseudo escape from this life that's rapidly changing before me, from everyone else who seems to be leaving me, a pseudo escape where i can say, look, im doing the same thing, so ha! you can't hurt me much! sigh...i love shanghai. i love my grandma. damn...still 13 more days...the torture!!!!
i can't believe it's only been 12 days since...damn it, MOVE ON already!!

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:: 2004 25 August :: 9.35 pm
:: Mood: productive

so i spent the entire second half of the day cleaning out the pantry. there's so much crap in there. or there was. now it's nice =)) i swear, this household throws away nothing. i cleaned out the fridge a couple weeks ago and we had stuff from 2001. it was grody. i was so into cleaning the pantry that i was late to kung fu. it was backed up from ygnacio and i realized that i was late, so i turned around and went home and finished cleaning the pantry. the garbage can and the recycling now officially cannot be closed. that's how much crap was in there. it's ok, you can call me a clean freak. at least i'll have a nice apartment next year!!!
so kasey, me and bina went to dinner yesterday in berkeley. we got to see bina's new apartment and meet a couple of her roomies. it's a brand new apartment so it's really nice. we ate at a thai food restaurant across the street. TUK TUK thai!!! but not before we all freaked out and bought pictures frames at aaron brothers next door.
ritu and i went to "coach" the girls' tennis team at las lomas. they have some pretty strong hitters now. i warmed up the girl who might be playing number 1 for the season. her name's alex. it was so hot. i was a bit rusty. and i definitely couldn't last as long as i used to. we had some good rallies though. but i can't believe that i played in that heat for 3 hours like every day for 4 years. damn. today i had to sit under a tree cuz i was frying on the courts. so for the most part ritu and i just chatted with segale while the girls did ladders for seeding.
im taking andrew's shift tomorrow 10 - 4 then im gonna try the kung fu thing one more time...friday, i gotta go to sf to get my visa. anyone wanna come with?
o this kid justin from the day camp i worked at last summer called me today. i didn't really know who it was when i switched over to call waiting. but i haven't answered a call from him like any time that he's called. and he's called at least 30 times during the past year, no exaggeration. he's a special ed kid and i knew i made a mistake when i gave him my phone number and address last year at the end of camp and told him to write/call if he needed anything. yikes. but i guess it didn't hurt to shoot the breeze with him for a bit. i think im still gonna try to avoid him cuz i know it's not gonna be healthy for him to get too attached...

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:: 2004 24 August :: 12.20 am

i baked salmon today. it was pretty good. but it's not very filling. it's like chocolate kinda. you get sick of it before you get full.
i need a boy.

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:: 2004 24 August :: 12.19 am

i miss laughing. belly hurting roll on the ground laughing. i used to do that a lot more when i was younger. but innocence leaves as we grow older. worries grow. cares piles up. to meet someone who can make you laugh like how you remember laughing is so hard to come across nowadays...i cry too much.

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:: 2004 23 August :: 12.56 am
:: Mood: happier

i don't like drama. that's why im not gonna ask kulwant for the money. that's why im not gonna be a bitch and contact her parents even though i very well could. it's my fault for subletting to someone i don't know. so im gonna learn my lesson and fork over 75 bucks. and hey, i would've paid the full rent myself if i didn't sublet to another girl, and i would've come back to LA to a complete mess. so im $375 richer and an apartment cleaner. that's a good way to look at it =))).
mystic river's pretty good. i like suspense movies. war movies. psych movies. a movie is good when it makes me cry. when it's so full of emotion and hits home hard. when it gives me that chill down my spine. those are good ones =))
i like getting emails...from people i like. and i got one of thsoe today =)) so im happier. now i can go to bed...come visit at ghirardelli tomorrow...maybe i'll actually be able to take a break for once...in the middle of my shift and not when im about to go home...laaamee...

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:: 2004 22 August :: 7.30 pm

note to self: don't sublet to someone you know know.
this sux. kulwant left the place a complete mess and the new subletter and her friend spent 4 hours and over 50 bucks for cleaning supplies. so im getting shorted $75 of rent. and it sux. i have to take the brunt for someone else's mess. and kulwant now won't answer my calls and haven't been answering donella's calls. damn. and im tired. worked a 7 hour shift to come home to this shit.

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:: 2004 21 August :: 10.08 pm
:: Mood: fuck love

i've decided...at least for now...that love...love is fake. there's no such thing as love. it's an addiction, an illusion. and i hate it. it's so fake. yet, it's so real when you're in it. and when it's one sided, when it's not with you, it becomes so fake, it's sickening...i can see through it...but we are human...and when we say i love you, we've become completely enthralled and enraptured by the other person...we are willing to give anything at that point...anything to fulfill that addiction, anything to keep feeling that thing which we call love...
to all those who believe in pure love...please ignore this. o how i wish i believed in it...and yet i can't escape it. im not strong enough, and neither are those who experience it...whoever you may be...it's entirely overpowering...but i can't have it right now...and it's hurting...
so until someone or something proves me wrong...i don't believe in love. i love you because i can't get enough of you. i love you because you complete me. i love you because i'll give anything for you to be here with me. i love you because i love everything you do and everything you are...the way you are makes me feel the way i feel...i love you. but i don't. i don't love you because there's no such thing as love...

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