The Destroyer

:: 2020 19 October :: 10.00am

my life is a shitty mess

but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess

:(

:: 2020 9 October :: 10.34am

that moment when your boss says none of us have a racist bone in our bodies, when every propaganda video they have been showing us says we are all just a lil racist.

this is a team of white people talking about racism and privilege. one hispanic lady everyone thinks is white. I don't think there is too much going on here.

:: 2020 4 October :: 8.18am

i need you like water in my lungs

:: 2020 15 September :: 12.59pm

I hurt myself today

:: 2020 14 September :: 10.06am

that feeling when your soul is an open window, and everyone can see the wind blow through.

:: 2020 29 August :: 10.21pm

someone actually paid me back today what the fuck

this is a strange feeling

:: 2020 21 August :: 7.59am

I very literally hate every day.

I hate my life.

I hate my choices in life.

I hate the future.

I just want to give up so badly. all this struggle and for what. nothing fucking MEANS ANYTHING.

it's all just cheap plastic emotions and cheap plastic people and cheap plastic money.

I'm so lonely.

:: 2020 11 August :: 5.54pm

quarantine is taking me back to the sus era.

I feel so isolated and lonely.

I don't like living, I'm done having my dreams crushed.

time to stop dreaming. and start existing in the mud like the fat ugly pig I am.

:: 2020 30 July :: 9.38am

who have I become?

I don't even recognize myself anymore

there's a stranger under my skin

:: 2020 25 July :: 12.38pm

trapped in a box, reaching my breaking point

I need a vacation

:: 2020 15 July :: 8.35am

I am really depressed, but a secret depressed that is hiding under a somewhat composed exterior.

I don't know the words to say, or not to say. I know massages and hugs are always comforting. but feeling this God damn helpless to bright his future horizon.

imagine your father dies. imagine he does because some asshole didn't think it was important to wear a mask in public because it's stepping on their "liberties". now imagine the last conversation with your dad was not a positive one, and there is literally no chance now for you to make things right.

now imagine this is the 3rd time it's happened since September.

what the fuck does your best friend/lover/fiance do to help? saying "it'll be okay" feels so cheap and hollow in this situation. "think of the good things" when they are being dragged to the bottom of the ocean by chains of guilt seems an impossible taste, as the darkness of the deep swallows slowly the sun light.

and I never got to give him a grandchild he'll see. I never really got to know him. and now that's a part of my life i have to miss. and our possible child will miss too.

my mind turns to my folks. what if they catch it? will I only have 5 days and no ability to see them or talk to them? will I have to make a life support decision?

my mom lost both her parents by my age. I literally can't even imagine how I would survive that. and now it's a reality for so many millennials. and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone who's lost family or friends to this stupid fucking virus, and these stupid fucking rude americans who all just live in their own hellish little bubble of self pity self loathing and inability to take responsibility for anything.

I can't help but agree with him though, like... in the face of all of this... what's the point? what is the fucking point of this absurd existence on an insignificant dot in the middle of no where in the vast infinity of the universe?

the only meaning life has, is the meaning you give it.

:: 2020 11 July :: 9.44am

and just like that he's gone.

3rd in 12 months. life is really fucking unfair.

:: 2020 7 July :: 10.30am

trying to remain calm
trying to have positive thoughts
but what if he dies?

:: 2020 4 July :: 8.25am

I keep wondering what's the point of moving forward.

I'm a miserable person doomed to feel this way for the rest of life.

I won't make a good mother, I'll teach my child how to be spineless, how to be a doormat, how to pathetically let people walk all over them.

I can't even carry a conversation. I can't make friends. I'm just boring, fat and hideous.

I don't want to buy a house anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to take care of anyone but myself. I just want to be alone and hide in my little hole.

I just want to be let go, so I can start my homesick fade to white.

:: 2020 27 June :: 11.01am

I'm not a rock

I'm crumbling sand stone

just garbage in the wind lacerating your lungs

shredding your heart

completely worthless

:: 2020 11 June :: 2.31pm

everybody's changing

and I don't feel right