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squallet

:: 2018 4 October :: 8.23pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Sail" by AWOLNATION

*insert witty title for this entry here*
Hello my loyal minions! (Read: That one random person who happens upon my journal and doesn't immediately click away... xD)

I had an interesting thought today while I was, of all things, working on compiling the music list for my wedding, which is officially less than 3 weeks away. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm indulging in vodka as I write this. xD

For some reason, my brain decided to fixate on the idea of self-hatred tonight. Why? Because I hate myself. Nice, plain, and simple. x3

As someone who deals with a lot self-hate and over-criticizing myself, I felt the need to spell out a couple of assumptions that others seem to have. Of course, this is only in regards to my OWN personal experiences.

First off, hating myself doesn't make me incapable of loving other people. Like I spelled out in my last entry, there's a big difference between thinking badly of yourself and having no self-respect. I have a very bittersweet relationship with myself. I love myself enough to know that I deserve respect and decency from others, and to not be taken advantage of by people.

But in the deepest, most personal corners of my life, when people aren't looking, I judge myself on everything I do. I talk myself down, beat myself up, and am my own worst enemy. It's a struggle I face every single day. I can see the good in me objectively, and KNOW there are good qualities in me, but I never quite... feel them? It's a complete out of body experience when I look at myself in that way.

Another thing that might sound strange is that hating myself doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. I do struggle with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, and some days are definitely worse than others, but overall, I live a fairly happy life. I have an amazing support system in the form of a loving husband-to-be, an amazing family, and wonderful friends. I'm extremely lucky to have them all. <3 But even in the worst case, if I didn't have those things, I still feel like my brain is wired to find the best in the worst, and to laugh even when things seem absolutely hopeless.

I'm not saying it's good to hate yourself, or that you should settle for feeling that way. I just wanted to bring validation to people like me who are judged for feeling the way they do toward themselves. So many times I've heard "you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself", and I'm sorry, but I don't fully agree with that sentiment.

I do believe that you should KNOW yourself, and that you should RESPECT yourself, but I think the idea of LOVING yourself is too over-simplified. People like me might struggle all their lives to love themselves. Some might finally get there, others might only get to the point of seeing SOME good in themselves, and others might never get anywhere close. It doesn't mean that they're broken and incapable of loving others, and I think it's damaging to say otherwise.

AGH. That's enough serious talk for today. Besides, did I mention... WEDDING IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS?! My brain is practically fried with all the planning. I'm surprised it worked well enough to develop that thought. Music choices, decor crafting, dealing with friend and family drama... I'll be surprised if I remain sane until the wedding. ;)

Nah, I kid. I'm sane. Completely. Totally. *twitch*

Until next time, stay cool kids!

~ Squallet

sing


squallet

:: 2018 20 September :: 5.31am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "Dancing On Broken Glass" by Poets of the Fall

It was a long and winding road that led us here...
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not nearly that wise and insightful. x3

Yet again, years have come and gone, leaving the dust to settle on this little safe haven of my soul. I suppose it's time to update all of my horribly dedicated fans of all the updates in my life. *in a room of deafening silence, one random dude stands up and "whoo"s* Heheheh... thanks Steve... ^^;;

Well, I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the fact that, in one month's time, I'm getting married!! :3 Yeah, it turns out that crazy fool I was talking about in my last few journal updates was actually insane enough to stick with me all this time, and about 2 years ago, asked me to marry him. x3

Now, I could sit here and mush about all of that, but considering how much ACTUALLY planning our wedding has already killed my soul, I think I'll settle for mildly talking him up. :P No, but in all seriousness, he's amazing. We've been together for going on 4.5 years now and he's my absolute best friend and the best partner I could ever dream of. We've been through some crazy shit, but here we are, stronger than ever. I've never been the most confident or trusting person, but with him, I have complete trust and confidence and no doubt in my mind that for the rest of my life, even when everything else seems against me, he'll be in my corner and I'll be in his. <3 /mush

SO, talking about my fiance is actually a great segue for what brought me back to this humble little journal in the first place. See, earlier tonight, he introduced me to this great site that completely stole my attention away from him for the rest of the night. XD

Originally, he had me check out archive.org to see if any of my old YouTube channel survived after being deleted nearly a decade ago by my ex or his crazy ex-girlfriend, whichever it was. Sadly, while I was able to see my old page, the videos themselves are still gone, but that's okay. I've made peace with that. Hell, maybe I'll remake some of those old videos one day. :P

BUT! What really stole my attention was when I found a few old online journals of mine from like... HALF MY LIFE AGO that were archived. And holy hell... Let's just say they provided HOURS of entertainment for me. I was angsty as FUCK back when I was 14. XD I found myself calling past me out several times like "honey... honey, no..." o.o;;

One thing I noticed is that I had legit ZERO sense of self worth back then. Like, I'm still pretty harsh on myself nowadays. After all, my motto is "go ahead and hate me; you'll still never hate me as much as I hate myself *shrug*". XD Self-depreciating humor is kinda my thing. :P Is there some truth to it? Of course. But unless you're reading my mind (read: "this journal") or you're SUPER close to me, you wouldn't know that. The main difference is that I just stopped letting OTHER people treat me like shit and grew a fucking backbone. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm HELLA proud that I finally learned to love myself enough not to let other people walk all over me. And that's right! I said HELLA. DEAL WITH IT. XD

I was also HELLA (ha... I did it again...) judgy back then. Like, I had some supreme straightedge sense of superiority that actually made me gag a little reading it all. "Look at me! I don't do drugs or smoke or drink and I'm so much better than you!" Bitch, please, your entire stupid journal is about how in love you are with some online boyfriend that you never even met. Get over yoself. Also, your writing sucks. Learn you some grammar! xD

One thing I DID really enjoy, though, was that 14 year old me was ACTUALLY pretty damn funny. Like, a lot of things made me cringe re-reading these old journals, but sometimes I actually laughed non-ironically and was like "HA! I really haven't changed in that regard..." haha! I feel like, as a person, I was definitely an interesting and entertaining character, but I had none of the confidence to back it up.

I also literally just said WHATEVER the fuck I wanted to. I mean, that's the point of a journal, right? But I said it as if anyone reading it at random would actually give a fuck. Like it was the damn "Squallet Show". But that's what really stuck for me.

I realized that I don't ever just rant unfiltered like that anymore. Not to any one person, not to any journal... and my fiance suggested that maybe I should get back into posting, giving myself space to vent and personally work through feelings again. I mean, hell, at the very least, it makes for something great to look back on years from now to see where I was in life and not-so-silently judge myself. ;3

And thus, HERE I AM!! I mean, hell, I even updated my page's layout a bit! You know, mostly because I'm getting old and can't read MICROSCOPIC FUCKING TEXT ANYMORE. And, you know, because we're living in 2018 where the resolution size has either doubled to compensate a widescreen TV or shrunk to fit a mobile device. So hopefully it's at least a... little... easier... to read...? Maybe...? Who knows? I haven't been in the web design field for a while. XD

I thought it would be fun to take one of those dumb surveys I did back in the day on my old journal with my current day answers, but seeing as how this update post is already running pretty long... I'll probably opt to do that one next time. ^^; I'm gonna try to get back into ranting to my bitch heart's content on this thing more regularly, so don't worry, I'm sure you'll get your fill of my life soon enough... you weirdo... o.o;;

Until then, I have wedding planning that needs worked on... *silently sobs into an empty cup of vodka* Just one more month... XD Nah, but for reals, I shall catch you all on the flip slide of the screen. Until then, stay awesome. Squallet... signing off!!

~Squallet

sing


koalalady

:: 2018 9 September :: 6.57am

All pleasure and all pain is fleeting.
There will be a moment when everything ceases. It is the end.
There were never be a moment that lasts forever. Every posture and projection eventually fades.

Hanging upside down, I can have compassion for my failures instead of anger and resistance. I can accept mistakes as nothing more than signs of life. Attempts at moving through the world with more ease and more joy. I can have peace about the things yet un-done which instill feelings of reluctance and anxiety. What I need to get done, I will get done. Have faith instead of doubting at every turn.

sing


koalalady

:: 2018 3 September :: 7.13pm

Life Update!
OK, so things are actually going well for once.

I'm loving our new apartment. We both are. It's much easier to keep clean. We have a washer and dryer in the basement (!), a backyard with a garden, and neighbours with an adorable orange cat who inexplicably comes to visit us every day. I went nuts with two major trips to Target and one trip to Ikea to get us some new furniture. We have a new bed. We have a dining table now (OK, the "table" is two old office desks pushed together with four stools for chairs, but it's perfect for us). Together, we decided that I could use the second bedroom as a home office. So I bought a new desk, got an easel and a storage unit for my painting supplies, and now have the perfect creative space to set up camp and work from every day. It is absolutely everything I wanted.

Speaking of getting everything I wanted...

We went looking at rings one day last month. We're tentatively talking about setting a date. I got a recommendation from my therapist for a good couples' counselor. We're definitely in the pre-official stage still, but we're planning the next steps. Eek!!! S has his candidacy exams next week. So he's studying and stressing about those. But after his defense is done, we'll probably start moving ahead. So. Excited.

On that subject, K and C got married. Y and K came up and stayed with us for a few days and traveled up to Michigan with us for the wedding. S and I stayed with his parents in East Lansing, and we told them that the reason we can't go to Australia with them this Christmas is because it's going to be hard for S to take time off from his PhD program more than once during the next 3-4 years...and we want to go to Australia for the honeymoon. So they were like !!!!!! And we were like !!!!!! They've been sworn to secrecy. The only other people we've told are K and Y. So. Yeah.

Work is going really well. I'm getting paid a lot better at my CRM job. My teaching schedule is getting fuller again now that the kids are coming back to school. I'm in the process of negotiating another contract with my c-gig. I'm ready for fall to start. Just opened a nice bottle of wine, and we're making pizza for dinner.

So yeah. I think things are looking hella good from where I'm sitting.

sing


koalalady

:: 2018 24 August :: 10.02pm

jk7gpz=s+t78

sing


anonymoose

:: 2018 13 August :: 10.10pm

oof.. going through some rough times mentally and emotionally

slipping back in to wanting to end things

1 little bird | sing


anonymoose

:: 2018 11 August :: 8.55pm

Last night a little dancer came dancin' to my door

sing


anonymoose

:: 2018 3 August :: 9.40pm

i have new neighbors and they're obnoxious loud cunts

sing


anonymoose

:: 2018 24 July :: 11.20pm

where are the best places in the usa to live?

sing


koalalady

:: 2018 23 July :: 1.02pm

MOVING A WEEK FROM TOMORROW

We're getting a real bed. We're getting wine glasses and a mop and hardwood floors. We're getting a basement, and a washer and dryer. We're getting the fuck out of here.

I have so much to do!

sing

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