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koalalady

:: 2017 28 November :: 7.37am

I think...I might be getting married!

Last Sunday, S said he wanted to go look at rings together. I'm some combination of excited, scared, worried, and relieved.

It's been five years. Why do I suddenly feel like it's moving too fast?

2 little birds | sing


anonymoose

:: 2017 14 November :: 6.10pm

i'm so very sick

these antibiotics make me feel awful


not to mention they're huge

sing


koalalady

:: 2017 13 November :: 11.45pm

Haunted by the following distinction: "I treat [them] like a friend, but I don't see [them] as one."

1 little bird | sing


poisonedheart

:: 2017 1 November :: 10.47pm

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who knows me
I'm mean and bitter
And a failure at everything that I say I believe

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who loves me
I never write, I never call
I never think about anyone at all

I'm not a good person
No matter what I do
My exhaustion will consume me
And I'm too tired for the truth

I'm not a good person
I'm sure you're not surprised
It must be pouring out my sweat glands
It must be someplace in my eyes

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way
I'm not a good person, not even to you
I'm staying home because I can't stand the sound
Of another heartbeat in the room

I'm not a good person
Fuck it, you know it's true
I'm lazy, I'm a coward
I'm asleep all day in my room

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way

sing


koalalady

:: 2017 14 October :: 8.18pm

Jesus Christ, this BoJack is fucking me up

2 little birds | sing


anonymoose

:: 2017 6 October :: 11.35pm

so much cray shit going on in the world

1 little bird | sing


koalalady

:: 2017 29 August :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: defiant

trying to listen to my intuition
I thought that I needed to master each lesson in turn before moving on to the next. But some lessons are absorbed over time, and you can't get the full meaning just by repeating the words until they're memorized.

I admit, I confess. But I also object, and I demand redress.

sing


srsbsnsrunner

:: 2017 28 August :: 2.54pm

comeback.
I've been struggling with an injury for YEARS. It comes and goes. I've managed to power through it, stop for a bit, rehab it, go back at it then the cycle starts over again. This time, I am trying to stop completely, go back to square one and start all over again.

This is frustrating. Especially when I've been working on it for almost a year between PT visits and gym visits. I think I am doing really well then I have a set back and then get depressed about it.

And I also get scared because it's an injury to my foot and I fear that it'll eventually be the last straw and my foot will essentially fall apart and I'll need surgery. After working in PT, I can tell you that foot surgery doesn't always have a happy ending. I'm a trail runner. Some times foot surgery results in not being able to run again. Or maybe techniques have gotten better in the past few years. I don't know.

All I know is I am depressed, disappointed, frustrated and trying to find motivation to keep moving forward. Letting myself feel these feelings is important because being a runner is part of my identity and I have temporarily lost that part. That's something to mourn. But at some point I have to get over the fear, anxiety and depression and keep moving forward.

I might have had a set back, minor. My ankle is more swollen today than it has been in weeks. And more sore. But I also rode by bike 18 miles yesterday... and 16 miles the week before. Which I think attributes to some of the soreness cause I don't know what else it could be.

I am doing my PT program pretty regularly but now that I am done with school, it's time to step it up. All of it. I am leaving for NZ in 6 months. NZ is the outdoor mecca of the world and I want to be able to do things when I'm there. I want to be able to run trails, go for long bike rides, try surfing, maybe get back to yoga and CrossFit, maybe try taking up martial arts (I've always wanted to try) but part of me isn't sure if that's realistic given that my foot condition is chronic.

I have to believe that I will get better. And that the time and effort will be worth it and that I'll come back stronger than before. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I can still be an athlete.

I'm almost 28. I don't want to stop now. I have so many things left to explore.

sing


koalalady

:: 2017 15 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Explosions in the Sky

I miss working with D so fucking much.

For one thing, he was talented. Not as good as me, but he was smart, and passionate, and political, and he knew the game even better than I did. He knew what I could do, and he knew what I wanted. And for a little while, I thought I was what he wanted.

Honestly I didn't mind so much, the way that things ended in that department. But the fact that he stopped talking to me about his projects and ideas, the fact that we stopped composing and writing, that fucking killed me. I didn't care about losing a boy toy. But I really cared about losing my partner.

That's what he was to me: my creative partner. Do you know how fucking rare that is to find? Someone who likes you and shares enough of your headspace to collaborate on a project, let alone dream up a lifetime of projects?

And then he just...stopped...
...replying to emails, texts...
...and got married...


About four years ago (after we had already stopped talking, way before he got married) I was getting on a plane in the middle of some shitty weather, and I had one of those overhyped, irrational fear moments where I wondered maybe for a second if the plane might not land - that I might not come out the other side. So I pulled out my phone, literally jogging with my luggage down the terminal (because we also had like 5 minutes or something before the next plane was scheduled for takeoff), and he was the person I called with my minute to spare. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, not my best friend. I called D, and went to voicemail - and yeah, I left one of those sappy messages that's like, "... ... ..." but what could I say? I love you? I miss you? Even then, it would have been too much. So I just said something completely stupid like... "hey...I'm about to get on a plane...thinking of you..."

He told me later that he got it. But I don't know whether he "got" what I was really trying to say, behind the words, in that moment.

I never talk about him anymore, or think about him, really. But sometimes when I'm wondering why it's so hard to be creative on my own, without a structure, or a friend, I remember D. And I feel just a little bit better knowing that somewhere, a billion years ago before I got all jaded and empty, someone took my hand...and walked along with me and saw what I saw when I pointed up at the stars and said, "that looks like..." and "what if we...?"

sing


koalalady

:: 2017 14 August :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: pissed off

-
I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your family.

sing

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