We have a gig!!!!!
We have a gig, we have a gig, we have a gig!!!
T and I are playing a 20-minute set at the Columbus Arts Fest on Saturday, June 8. We're resurrecting the Beethoven Pastorale movement and "Beau Soir," and including our favourite movement from the new Ravel suite. I'm so excited!!!!! It only pays like $50 but whatever, it's a gig!
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2019 28 April :: 12.19am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: "Running Down to Cuba"
At the in-law's whilst they plan funeral services for my father-in-law. He was the magnanimous old man who kept the familial machine running.
To be completely frank, I feel cast adrift without him, but optimistic in the sense that, like my maternal grandfather before him, I'll be forced to develop further as an adult without having the luxury of a wise elder holding my hand. I can reasonably assume, dear reader, that you're acquainted with death and the complexity of its aftermath in regards to the living.
The hour grows late, and I had initially plonked my ass down at the computer to relay ponderous rambles and pompous declarations of insight, as is my wont, but I just don't have it in me. Trust that things are fine, they'll turn out alright if they aren't already, and that capitulation is frowned upon.
I'm on a roll today o_o
Hello adoring publicfriends random people on the interwebs! I hope the day finds you of strong and sturdy health. Or... something like that? xD
I come to you today with news. News? No, not really. I've stepped back into my woohu shoes just to bring the world an update of my life. I could make like all the cool kids now-a-days and just post about it on Snapchat I suppose... but come on, you know as well as I do that that just ain't how Squallet flies. ;3
Also, update. Apparently Squallet flies! o:
So! As I was saying! *blows dust off the corners of the page* (Psst! I'm about to say that not much has changed... but don't be bamboozled! I'm one tricky fox! D:) Not much has changed! ;)
First and foremost, some crazy man has finally made an honest woman of me... pfft... honest woman. xD But in all seriousness, yush. Through all the sleepless nights and craziness of planning, we had our dream wedding, and it was absolutely perfect! ♥
People were telling us for weeks how much fun they had, and really, that was my biggest hope for it. That and, you know, hoping I didn't break an ankle in my heels. I came close, but I chose instead to interrupt the entire ceremony to remove the shoes. And dear gods, how many people told me that was their favorite part... xD
Long story short! I know that the wedding is supposed to be about my partner and me and celebrating our love, but both of us aren't big on being the center of attention, and really, we just wanted to have one big, awesome, fun party with our loved ones! :3
I'M GETTING PULLED AWAY, ONOES!!! Oh well, food beckons. I shall return to finish! ... Later... xD Until then, keep it rocking!
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2018 4 October :: 8.23pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Sail" by AWOLNATION
*insert witty title for this entry here*
Hello my loyal minions! (Read: That one random person who happens upon my journal and doesn't immediately click away... xD)
I had an interesting thought today while I was, of all things, working on compiling the music list for my wedding, which is officially less than 3 weeks away. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm indulging in vodka as I write this. xD
For some reason, my brain decided to fixate on the idea of self-hatred tonight. Why? Because I hate myself. Nice, plain, and simple. x3
As someone who deals with a lot self-hate and over-criticizing myself, I felt the need to spell out a couple of assumptions that others seem to have. Of course, this is only in regards to my OWN personal experiences.
First off, hating myself doesn't make me incapable of loving other people. Like I spelled out in my last entry, there's a big difference between thinking badly of yourself and having no self-respect. I have a very bittersweet relationship with myself. I love myself enough to know that I deserve respect and decency from others, and to not be taken advantage of by people.
But in the deepest, most personal corners of my life, when people aren't looking, I judge myself on everything I do. I talk myself down, beat myself up, and am my own worst enemy. It's a struggle I face every single day. I can see the good in me objectively, and KNOW there are good qualities in me, but I never quite... feel them? It's a complete out of body experience when I look at myself in that way.
Another thing that might sound strange is that hating myself doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. I do struggle with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, and some days are definitely worse than others, but overall, I live a fairly happy life. I have an amazing support system in the form of a loving husband-to-be, an amazing family, and wonderful friends. I'm extremely lucky to have them all. <3 But even in the worst case, if I didn't have those things, I still feel like my brain is wired to find the best in the worst, and to laugh even when things seem absolutely hopeless.
I'm not saying it's good to hate yourself, or that you should settle for feeling that way. I just wanted to bring validation to people like me who are judged for feeling the way they do toward themselves. So many times I've heard "you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself", and I'm sorry, but I don't fully agree with that sentiment.
I do believe that you should KNOW yourself, and that you should RESPECT yourself, but I think the idea of LOVING yourself is too over-simplified. People like me might struggle all their lives to love themselves. Some might finally get there, others might only get to the point of seeing SOME good in themselves, and others might never get anywhere close. It doesn't mean that they're broken and incapable of loving others, and I think it's damaging to say otherwise.
AGH. That's enough serious talk for today. Besides, did I mention... WEDDING IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS?! My brain is practically fried with all the planning. I'm surprised it worked well enough to develop that thought. Music choices, decor crafting, dealing with friend and family drama... I'll be surprised if I remain sane until the wedding. ;)
Nah, I kid. I'm sane. Completely. Totally. *twitch*
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2018 20 September :: 5.31am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "Dancing On Broken Glass" by Poets of the Fall
It was a long and winding road that led us here...
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not nearly that wise and insightful. x3
Yet again, years have come and gone, leaving the dust to settle on this little safe haven of my soul. I suppose it's time to update all of my horribly dedicated fans of all the updates in my life. *in a room of deafening silence, one random dude stands up and "whoo"s* Heheheh... thanks Steve... ^^;;
Well, I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the fact that, in one month's time, I'm getting married!! :3 Yeah, it turns out that crazy fool I was talking about in my last few journal updates was actually insane enough to stick with me all this time, and about 2 years ago, asked me to marry him. x3
Now, I could sit here and mush about all of that, but considering how much ACTUALLY planning our wedding has already killed my soul, I think I'll settle for mildly talking him up. :P No, but in all seriousness, he's amazing. We've been together for going on 4.5 years now and he's my absolute best friend and the best partner I could ever dream of. We've been through some crazy shit, but here we are, stronger than ever. I've never been the most confident or trusting person, but with him, I have complete trust and confidence and no doubt in my mind that for the rest of my life, even when everything else seems against me, he'll be in my corner and I'll be in his. <3 /mush
SO, talking about my fiance is actually a great segue for what brought me back to this humble little journal in the first place. See, earlier tonight, he introduced me to this great site that completely stole my attention away from him for the rest of the night. XD
Originally, he had me check out archive.org to see if any of my old YouTube channel survived after being deleted nearly a decade ago by my ex or his crazy ex-girlfriend, whichever it was. Sadly, while I was able to see my old page, the videos themselves are still gone, but that's okay. I've made peace with that. Hell, maybe I'll remake some of those old videos one day. :P
BUT! What really stole my attention was when I found a few old online journals of mine from like... HALF MY LIFE AGO that were archived. And holy hell... Let's just say they provided HOURS of entertainment for me. I was angsty as FUCK back when I was 14. XD I found myself calling past me out several times like "honey... honey, no..." o.o;;
One thing I noticed is that I had legit ZERO sense of self worth back then. Like, I'm still pretty harsh on myself nowadays. After all, my motto is "go ahead and hate me; you'll still never hate me as much as I hate myself *shrug*". XD Self-depreciating humor is kinda my thing. :P Is there some truth to it? Of course. But unless you're reading my mind (read: "this journal") or you're SUPER close to me, you wouldn't know that. The main difference is that I just stopped letting OTHER people treat me like shit and grew a fucking backbone. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm HELLA proud that I finally learned to love myself enough not to let other people walk all over me. And that's right! I said HELLA. DEAL WITH IT. XD
I was also HELLA (ha... I did it again...) judgy back then. Like, I had some supreme straightedge sense of superiority that actually made me gag a little reading it all. "Look at me! I don't do drugs or smoke or drink and I'm so much better than you!" Bitch, please, your entire stupid journal is about how in love you are with some online boyfriend that you never even met. Get over yoself. Also, your writing sucks. Learn you some grammar! xD
One thing I DID really enjoy, though, was that 14 year old me was ACTUALLY pretty damn funny. Like, a lot of things made me cringe re-reading these old journals, but sometimes I actually laughed non-ironically and was like "HA! I really haven't changed in that regard..." haha! I feel like, as a person, I was definitely an interesting and entertaining character, but I had none of the confidence to back it up.
I also literally just said WHATEVER the fuck I wanted to. I mean, that's the point of a journal, right? But I said it as if anyone reading it at random would actually give a fuck. Like it was the damn "Squallet Show". But that's what really stuck for me.
I realized that I don't ever just rant unfiltered like that anymore. Not to any one person, not to any journal... and my fiance suggested that maybe I should get back into posting, giving myself space to vent and personally work through feelings again. I mean, hell, at the very least, it makes for something great to look back on years from now to see where I was in life and not-so-silently judge myself. ;3
And thus, HERE I AM!! I mean, hell, I even updated my page's layout a bit! You know, mostly because I'm getting old and can't read MICROSCOPIC FUCKING TEXT ANYMORE. And, you know, because we're living in 2018 where the resolution size has either doubled to compensate a widescreen TV or shrunk to fit a mobile device. So hopefully it's at least a... little... easier... to read...? Maybe...? Who knows? I haven't been in the web design field for a while. XD
I thought it would be fun to take one of those dumb surveys I did back in the day on my old journal with my current day answers, but seeing as how this update post is already running pretty long... I'll probably opt to do that one next time. ^^; I'm gonna try to get back into ranting to my bitch heart's content on this thing more regularly, so don't worry, I'm sure you'll get your fill of my life soon enough... you weirdo... o.o;;
Until then, I have wedding planning that needs worked on... *silently sobs into an empty cup of vodka* Just one more month... XD Nah, but for reals, I shall catch you all on the flip slide of the screen. Until then, stay awesome. Squallet... signing off!!
