We shall be known by the company we keep
By the ones who circle round to tend these fires
We shall be known by the ones who sow and reap
The seeds of change, alive from deep within the earth
It is time now, it is time for us to thrive
It is time to lead ourselves into the well
It is time now, and what a time to be alive
In this Great Turning, we shall learn to lead in love
In this Great Turning, we shall learn to lead in love
2019 28 April :: 12.19am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: "Running Down to Cuba"
At the in-law's whilst they plan funeral services for my father-in-law. He was the magnanimous old man who kept the familial machine running.
To be completely frank, I feel cast adrift without him, but optimistic in the sense that, like my maternal grandfather before him, I'll be forced to develop further as an adult without having the luxury of a wise elder holding my hand. I can reasonably assume, dear reader, that you're acquainted with death and the complexity of its aftermath in regards to the living.
The hour grows late, and I had initially plonked my ass down at the computer to relay ponderous rambles and pompous declarations of insight, as is my wont, but I just don't have it in me. Trust that things are fine, they'll turn out alright if they aren't already, and that capitulation is frowned upon.
I'm on a roll today o_o
Hello adoring publicfriends random people on the interwebs! I hope the day finds you of strong and sturdy health. Or... something like that? xD
I come to you today with news. News? No, not really. I've stepped back into my woohu shoes just to bring the world an update of my life. I could make like all the cool kids now-a-days and just post about it on Snapchat I suppose... but come on, you know as well as I do that that just ain't how Squallet flies. ;3
Also, update. Apparently Squallet flies! o:
So! As I was saying! *blows dust off the corners of the page* (Psst! I'm about to say that not much has changed... but don't be bamboozled! I'm one tricky fox! D:) Not much has changed! ;)
First and foremost, some crazy man has finally made an honest woman of me... pfft... honest woman. xD But in all seriousness, yush. Through all the sleepless nights and craziness of planning, we had our dream wedding, and it was absolutely perfect! ♥
People were telling us for weeks how much fun they had, and really, that was my biggest hope for it. That and, you know, hoping I didn't break an ankle in my heels. I came close, but I chose instead to interrupt the entire ceremony to remove the shoes. And dear gods, how many people told me that was their favorite part... xD
Long story short! I know that the wedding is supposed to be about my partner and me and celebrating our love, but both of us aren't big on being the center of attention, and really, we just wanted to have one big, awesome, fun party with our loved ones! :3
I'M GETTING PULLED AWAY, ONOES!!! Oh well, food beckons. I shall return to finish! ... Later... xD Until then, keep it rocking!
2018 4 October :: 8.23pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Sail" by AWOLNATION
*insert witty title for this entry here*
Hello my loyal minions! (Read: That one random person who happens upon my journal and doesn't immediately click away... xD)
I had an interesting thought today while I was, of all things, working on compiling the music list for my wedding, which is officially less than 3 weeks away. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm indulging in vodka as I write this. xD
For some reason, my brain decided to fixate on the idea of self-hatred tonight. Why? Because I hate myself. Nice, plain, and simple. x3
As someone who deals with a lot self-hate and over-criticizing myself, I felt the need to spell out a couple of assumptions that others seem to have. Of course, this is only in regards to my OWN personal experiences.
First off, hating myself doesn't make me incapable of loving other people. Like I spelled out in my last entry, there's a big difference between thinking badly of yourself and having no self-respect. I have a very bittersweet relationship with myself. I love myself enough to know that I deserve respect and decency from others, and to not be taken advantage of by people.
But in the deepest, most personal corners of my life, when people aren't looking, I judge myself on everything I do. I talk myself down, beat myself up, and am my own worst enemy. It's a struggle I face every single day. I can see the good in me objectively, and KNOW there are good qualities in me, but I never quite... feel them? It's a complete out of body experience when I look at myself in that way.
Another thing that might sound strange is that hating myself doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. I do struggle with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, and some days are definitely worse than others, but overall, I live a fairly happy life. I have an amazing support system in the form of a loving husband-to-be, an amazing family, and wonderful friends. I'm extremely lucky to have them all. <3 But even in the worst case, if I didn't have those things, I still feel like my brain is wired to find the best in the worst, and to laugh even when things seem absolutely hopeless.
I'm not saying it's good to hate yourself, or that you should settle for feeling that way. I just wanted to bring validation to people like me who are judged for feeling the way they do toward themselves. So many times I've heard "you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself", and I'm sorry, but I don't fully agree with that sentiment.
I do believe that you should KNOW yourself, and that you should RESPECT yourself, but I think the idea of LOVING yourself is too over-simplified. People like me might struggle all their lives to love themselves. Some might finally get there, others might only get to the point of seeing SOME good in themselves, and others might never get anywhere close. It doesn't mean that they're broken and incapable of loving others, and I think it's damaging to say otherwise.
AGH. That's enough serious talk for today. Besides, did I mention... WEDDING IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS?! My brain is practically fried with all the planning. I'm surprised it worked well enough to develop that thought. Music choices, decor crafting, dealing with friend and family drama... I'll be surprised if I remain sane until the wedding. ;)
Nah, I kid. I'm sane. Completely. Totally. *twitch*