lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2019 19 June :: 6.28am

3 days until the really adventure starts

feels like an eternity, I just want to run away now.

been eating like shit, feeling like shit, trying to remain positive. so exhausting "looking on the sunny side" all the time... but it's made a difference I guess.

good robot human unit, ya did good cold unfeeling robot arm. learned some stuff about other robot units at work... can I just say if that particular unit cannot take feedback/constructive criticism from people who only want them to succeed, I can only imagine the nightmare of being married to them...

or maybe they are this way due to their relationship, maybe the SO was constantly berating and criticizing them, so now that they are free, the habit dies hard.

I can't say I'm much different... I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't please myself over others. I can't say no when I want to without endless writhing guilt.

you make me feel lonely. you make me feel unimportant and insignificant. you make me feel trapped.

:: 2019 13 June :: 11.23pm

tomorrow is the big day... when I find out if I got the training job. I'm so nervous I can't sleep is like Christmas Eve when all you can think about is how your parents had to have gotten you that kitten this year is the year..... but deep down you know there is no kitten.

I am trying to remain optimistic. that my trip to Canada with emy will be a celebration vacation rather than that of defeat... I'm so excited getting pedicures then staying in a restort for a few days right on the ocean. I miss the ocean, I need the ocean again. I just hope this time I come back feeling better, because something has to give.

I just hope it isn't me.

now I just need to learn how to love someone again, and trust him, but it's just so damn hard to not be scared that I'm going to be hurt again

you make me cry sometimes baby and I wish ... I could move you like you move me sometimes ...

Oh, honey I'm worried 'bout you
You're too much to lose
You're all that I have
And, honey I'm worried 'bout you
Put yourself in my shoes
You're all that I have so please don't die
Wherever you are tonight

:: 2019 4 June :: 9.33pm

finally listening to the taking back Sunday album I thought I was buying when I drunkenly bought that all American rejects album

that's the good shit

:: 2019 4 June :: 1.27pm

this happens every month
where I just fill up with every negative emotions I bury deep down
and every sad song is about me
and I feel so alone

desolate and isolated stuck on an island of my own design

I was hoping these pills would make me a zombie but all they do is make me an ifrit

:: 2019 8 May :: 6.43am

update to favorite word list:

skin
mirror
ephemeral
wrinkle wrinkly wrinkles wrinkled

:: 2019 22 April :: 8.04am

I'm so confused and I'm not sure what to do. I could listen to half of my heart, the other half, anyone of my friends or family... my brain.

I just don't know which to trust. heart and brain have a bad track record. friends and family are selfishly driven.

have an appointment with a counselor on the 10th and starting Zoloft to help with the depression. Doctor appointment on the 14th as well. pap smear (first one since 2015). been putting it off cuz my doctor o
is too young and too cute. feels like getting my hood pierced all over again XD

things will be ok and work out. whatever happens at least I still have myself. right?

:: 2019 9 April :: 8.44am

my shiney teeth that sparkle just like the stars on space

saw the dentist for the first time in 4 years, no cavities, and both the hygienist and doctor said they were beautiful! and the receptionist was surprised how fast my appointment went

I would like to than my electric toothbrush and the humble floss. I eat so much candy, and I hardly ever brush, but when I do I floss, and sometimes I just floss and that's it... idk flossing is just so fun seeing the stuff that comes out from in between... and then you brush them and it feels like you can breathe again.

it's like if nothing else is in control, I can at least get really stoned and brush my teeth and feel like I am the one driving the bus.

:: 2019 7 April :: 9.09am

who's going to hold you as the world falls apart?

no one, apparently.

just freefalling until the ground rises to meet this empty husk.

:: 2019 7 April :: 8.48am

jamais je ne t'oublierai
this is my whole life...

https://youtu.be/U2WDdccgaDY

:: 2019 26 March :: 8.01am

for the night is dark & full of terrors

it's true there and it's true here

:: 2019 25 March :: 6.54am
:: Mood: exhausted

said what I needed to say, without being overly cruel about it.. it felt good to get it off my chest. for some reason, though, I didn't feel the sense of resolution I was hoping for afterwards. hopefully it comes later.

have the day off cuz I was going to go to a concert last night, didn't end up going because my spine hates me, but I am still going to keep the day off I think. have secret plans for the Xmas tree (which is still up btw)

I want to repack all my stuff, but it is going to be boring and slow without company (and probably why I did such a shitty job in the first place). want to donate what I can and just pare down my shit. clean my nest of a room... I miss having friends who come over.

I've been bad about yoga. it helped a lot when I was doing it, then I got this new schedule and it's been difficult adjusting. plus I've been eating a lot of dairy and that does not help either.

anyway, I'm happy feeling glad I've got sunshine in a bag I'm useless, but not for long the future is coming on

:: 2019 21 March :: 6.01am

I don't feel like your equal I feel like your mom

:: 2019 19 March :: 9.41pm

Money may be the husk of many things but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness. -Henrik Ibsen

:: 2019 13 March :: 10.48am

I just need someone to talk to.
but I'm a shitty broken record no one wants to talk to.

I do honestly think everyone would be better off if I was alone. I already feel so fucking alone.

:: 2019 6 March :: 8.47am
:: Mood: empty

https://youtu.be/nxg4C365LbQ

Daylight
In bad dreams
In a cool world
Full of cruel things
Hang tight
All you
Nothing like a big bad bridge
To go burning through

:: 2019 4 March :: 9.00am

I just need a lil empathy

I just need a friend who will come over to my house.

I just want to not feel alone and uncomfortable.

:: 2019 28 February :: 11.40am

violently treading water to keep my lungs filled with air

never realized it was my own tears I am drowning in

I just need a life preserver tossed out here. but the boat is too far away and no one knows what a life preserver looks like.

I'll be ok. I'll be ok I'll be ok.im always ok.

:: 2019 22 February :: 12.09am

rewatching JoJo's bizarre adventure because I remember next to nothing about the first season and after watching a bunch of round about memes I had to watch it

I love this show. I should read the manga

:: 2019 20 February :: 6.37am

each of our hearts contain reminants of super Nova
each of us has a yearning to be part of something greater than the whole
each of us are alone burning out our fires
until we, too, erupt into bright fireworks of destruction

:: 2019 12 February :: 6.17am

where did all my ambition go? why does a career change terrify me so much?

I hate the company I work for, but I make a buttload of money doing something I could literally do in my sleep. and occasionally I get to really help people, which is the best and most rewarding part of the job.

I try to frame it positively, I try to be thankful I have a job that does give me a full time consistent schedule, with good wage, ok benefits, and I literally only have to go into the physical office 1 time a month. in the big scheme of things I'm very fortunate... so why do I feel so empty inside?

is it just because it's a job? or is it because every other year i give 120% and then get reduced to the same number I got when I gave 60%... I get disheartened. I want to be challenged, I need an occasion to rise to. otherwise I just coast. but my current boss sucks at employee development, she's new, it's ok.

I just hate insurance. I hate corporate America. I hate big business and big money. i spend a third of my time doing something for something I despise to my very core. maybe that's the problem.

:: 2019 11 February :: 8.34pm

told my boss I wanted a 12/15 this year

she basically told me to dream on...

it's fucking rigged and I know it is. my blood is boiling. what's the point? what's the fucking point.

:: 2019 9 February :: 11.02pm

all the bars we go to play 90s

either youngsters come here to feel older than they are or cuz they are hipsters

and people in their 30$ are who are being pandered to.

growing up sucks

:: 2019 6 February :: 11.26am

FUCK OSPEs

:: 2019 30 January :: 4.34pm

sweetie, all I want is for you to go out of your way to be sweet to me when my whole world feels like it's falling.

I just want to see you care. hearing it isn't enough. talk is cheap.

I just need extra sugar today.

:: 2019 30 January :: 7.57am

https://youtu.be/LHCob76kigA

this song strikes a raw chord
I'm lost, no dreams of my own
everything is scary, so far out of reach
I'm lonely in my heart, and honestly....

I have abandoned hope it ever filling the gaping hole where my soul used to be

I am an empty husk. I turned 30 and after hoping all thru my twenties that 30 would magically make this better, I feel just as lost and empty as ever. I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm trying, I keep going, but why...

what's this all for anyway.. if you don't have kids you are lost to time, if you do you are lost in 1-2 generations, but what does any of that matter when humans are going to destroy this planet and go extinct just like everything else that fights the natural order as much as we do.

I just need to be held, I want to just feel less alone.

:: 2019 29 January :: 7.34pm

can life just be over? I'm fucking sick of feeling.

:: 2019 27 January :: 1.21pm

remember: you can't hug your children with nuclear arms

:: 2019 24 January :: 10.42am

this is just too much

everything is pressing down on me

I can't breathe

:: 2019 23 January :: 8.07am

a boat toad

tattoo idea: TAX on right knuckles RICH on left knuckles THE on your forehead

alternatively: replace eyebrows with mono brow tattoo that says the same thing

last night I dreamt I cut all my hair off and went back to my typical hair... I was so sad :( I guess I'm not smoking enough weed. fucking dreams.

:: 2019 4 January :: 10.10am

smoking in my car has to be one of my favorite things.

Gary Numan had it right

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