Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

*HUGS* TOTAL! give hwnchick more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own


home | profile | guestbook


recent entries | past entries


:: 2017 31 March :: 11.09pm

shit shouldn't be this fucking HARD

my chest contains a heavy stone, where my heart used to be.

some days feel like heavy clouds trying to choke any semblance of joy out of me.

i always have been and always will be worthless.

life is pain. we are all alone. no one will every really understand us. nothing really matters in the end. when your flesh is burned or buried. to be eaten by worms or breathed in by animals. but you will be dead.



:: 2017 31 March :: 8.36pm

i still have as much of a clue as to what i'm doing with my life as i did 10 years ago.

absolutely no fucking clue



:: 2017 31 March :: 10.20am

women are a commodity not people
women are a natural resource, a status symbol, a toy
women owe men for everything men do for them
they are only worth the sex they give freely
and if they try to take some power back by charging for sex they are vilified
women aren't people
women are tools to use in the gratifications nd fulfillment of men

if you treat us nicely, we owe you sex
if you buy us dinner, we owe you sex
if we are nice and friendly to you, we owe you sex
if we smile in your general direction, we owe you sex

if you rape us and ruin our lives, you shouldn't be punished because you have your whole life ahead of you
if you rape us and make us pregnant, we have to keep the baby with no support from you because we should have made better decisions with our bodies
if you rape us and we speak out, we are the whores who asked for it

but yeah, women have it pretty good. we have the power. we are in control.

but of what?

we are brainwashed from an early age that we aren't anything but bitches and hoes.
we are told we can achieve anything, but we are never treated equally
we are looked down upon
we are too emotional
we aren't strong enough
we are too shy
we are too outspoken

we are told to blaze our own trail, but if it isn't in high heels and full make up, you don't want it
we are told to shoot for the stars, while we are locked in cages
we are told to be ourselves and unique, but are shamed and scorned if we do not conform to the status quo
everything is quid pro quo for us

of all the jobs i've had, the one i stayed at the longest is the only one i haven't been sexually harassed at. it is one of the main reason i have stayed here this long.

but all of this means little or nothing to a majority of men. they don't see the problems because they don't have to wake up and hope they aren't assaulted, discounted or ridiculed because of their gender. ignorance is bliss. and no one wants to walk a mile in stilettos.



:: 2017 16 March :: 7.41am

i gave my everything

to all the wrong things



:: 2017 10 March :: 10.49pm

am i depressed or am i happy?

im paranoid



:: 2017 10 March :: 5.14pm

every visit to a doctors office simply reaffirms the strong loathing and detestment i feel for the medical profession



:: 2017 8 March :: 9.23pm

yeah......... but why?



:: 2017 7 March :: 10.23am

endlessly behind at work makes me feel anxious

mandatory overtime makes me mad

i just want a legitimate day off



:: 2017 2 March :: 10.24pm

go see logan you won't regret it

2 loves | <3


:: 2017 1 March :: 8.05pm

i need to get some ear plugs for jams

because i already am half deaf i don't need help the rest of the way

sometimes the guitar teacher comes. she hasn't really played electric before but her and juanholio are pretty fairly matched when it comes to general skill and knowledge

he gets a special glimmer in his eye when she comes over it's cute

i hate how hopelessly hermity i am. but making friends is hard and talking to strangers that could turn into friends is the terrifying.




:: 2017 17 February :: 7.01pm

3 out of 4 individuals on the special project team has the favorite animal of a giraffe


i think there's a definite correlation between weirdos and giraffe lovers.

oh and geniuses.



:: 2017 16 February :: 10.02am

there's a hole in the bottom of my heart
and all my blood is spilling into my organs



:: 2017 16 February :: 6.40am

im tired and i am filled with sadness and disappointment with myself

i wish i could erase what happened

i wish i could have been smarter sooner

i wish i hadn't been such a shitty person

being with him makes me feel like i need to forget my past and pretend i was just born yesterday. i don't like hurting him, but i don't like being silent forever.

i just want to give up. it was easier when i wasn't loved.



:: 2017 14 February :: 6.21pm

i love dog stars they make the commute home even better



:: 2017 12 February :: 10.28pm

everything is slightly up and to the left of center

not sure i like it



:: 2017 9 February :: 3.25pm

we presented our solution and options for moving forward today to all the big wigs

despite our dry run the hour before hand being really rough, we really pulled through at the end

while we were derailed a few times by the attendees that were not the intended audience, the top 2 executives for our department were very impressed and happy with what was presented

it feels so fucking good to have this milestone done

in just 30 days we solved a problem that's been plaguing the boss man for 4 years.

we are the fucking kings and queens of promise



:: 2017 7 February :: 7.34am

going dairy free for 3 weeks taught me my body hates dairy

day 2 of gluten free and it feels like i've been eating nothing but milk and cheese




:: 2017 4 February :: 10.41am

The end result for this morning was such a fail. I had baked carrot cake, I believe was Wednesday, but it's not perfect and I know that. This was something my mom wanted me to do since a year ago. To bake something and sell some bakery goods. The problem is that I can't get all the ingredients - either they're too expensive or not readily available. I also don't have much experience in baking. I could bake perfectly because I had done this before back in the states. I made red velvet cake that receives approval from my teacher and fellow classmates. It's no use talking about it now because I was 18 at the time and I'm not there anymore.

The carrot cake was not perfect because it had missed some ingredients: ground clove, nutmeg, cream cheese, butter, vanilla extract, and walnuts. That's a huge chunk of ingredients. I mixed everything by hand. And I also forgot salt. Anyways, I went out Wednesday and asked a small coffee shop stand (not sure if I'm using the correct terms, as these types of "shops" can't be opened in the states) asking her to sell the cake for me. She told me to come again on Saturday. The result: no one bought them. The cakes had ants in them. She gave me the cash, and said she didn't want anymore. At least I know that I tried. Now I can move on to something else.



:: 2017 2 February :: 8.16pm

im mad

but i got some really cute clothes today

im most excited for the hello kitty dress with strawberries and a lace peter pan collar. it is so cute i could die



:: 2017 1 February :: 10.06pm

how do you decide when you're ready for kids?

now that it might actually be obtainable, i am getting very cold feet.

my track record is full of bad decisions... is this pontientally one more?

am i parent material?



:: 2017 30 January :: 2.57pm

i watched a documentary on netflix yesterday called HOLY HELL and i have to admit it struck a strong resonance with me.

there's one part where they are talking to one of the Buddhafield members and she was crying and just repeating "we trusted you".

and deep inside me i felt this overwhelming sympathy. i know exactly how that feels. when you entrust your whole being to another human. you give them all your love, faith, patience, service, time and energy. and in return they abuse this gift, and they warp it to satisfy their narcissistic megalomania. and you are left feeling empty, hollow and so utterly betrayed.

and the road to recovery is a long one. we all want to be loved and accepted and included so badly, that we allow others to treat us like refuse. we let them take from us to help them feel full, while depleting ourselves. while they full well know there is a hole in their heart and they will never be full.

but they just keep taking until someone finally wakes up.

and it hurts.

but we are not alone in our pain.



:: 2017 27 January :: 6.43am

coheed & cambria for my birthday??? yes please!

4 loves | <3


:: 2017 26 January :: 8.24pm

Things are starting to look up in my life. I thought of something completely different for work. I know that I can't be employed anywhere because it's long hours, short breaks and inflexible working schedules. The last time I was employed was at an english teaching facility. I overworked myself, and suffered from hallucination. I'm not going to say much about it because I'm the only one who knows something others don't. I feel better now. The Lord has helped me through such difficult time. I was going to let myself go and die. My mom wouldn't let it happen. Now I'm back.



:: 2017 25 January :: 9.22pm

adrift and not so at peace

i don't know what i want.



:: 2017 25 January :: 6.32am

im sad for the world and america.

like being around a train wreck and being forced to watch.



:: 2017 18 January :: 10.53pm

why does it feel like i give and people take and that's it

i feel like my cup is empty

but nothing i do to fill it seems to work



:: 2017 16 January :: 6.22pm

the KI project im doing at work has me feeling invigorated. it is extremely validating and i feel extremely excited at the prospect of the monetary rewards for saving the company some money in the long term. but most importantly i'm lookin forward to improving the quality of work life. if people were less frustrated with the process i believe they will start working with a higher quality.

or at least my life will be less painful because it will be harder to mess things up because there won't be 2,098,394 places in the transaction to mess it up.

unfortunately, i also have jury duty starting tomorrow. i do not want to get picked. 2 weeks ago i would have loved to have been selected and go thru the whole process, but now i find it much more valueable to be at work and working towards this 30 day deadline.

it helps that the klapper guy is so encouraging. i feel safe to try and be stupid and mess things up, because a boss figure said it was okay. and he's not one of us. which makes me feel like i can trust him.

i have never been happier at work than i am right now. i feel that my skills are finally being valued appropriately and this is my opportunity to finally shine. my year review was better than last years, and i am optimistic this year will be even better. while my life is virtually reduced to a set of numbers, with this new opportunity i almost feel like more than a number.

i fucking love being more than a number.



:: 2017 12 January :: 11.00pm

why is coheed & cambria so fucking cool?

and god damn i would love a bite of claudio'a hair mmmm hmmmm



:: 2017 11 January :: 8.28pm

sooooooooo not looking forward to tomorrow.

meeting a new doctor who will hopefully help with fmla. i fucking hate doctors. they make me feel so many deep dark emotions

my year performance review happens too. that's going to be completely wretched.

adulting fucking sucks.



:: 2017 8 January :: 7.31am

sometimes i think i'd love to live in seattle again. i'd be able to go to the zoo or the science center whenever i want. i could maybe make some friends and explore the city.

and then i think about the earthquakes and the traffic and i talk myself out of it. spokane isn't so bad is it. or is it.

i just don't know how to decide what to do with my future. for how valueable i am, my current employer undervalues me. is it worth trying to find something better.

or are my job stoppers really going to stop me from getting a job.

<3 | Random Journal