Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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:: 2017 28 May :: 8.56pm

i am so incredibly stoned right night

i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel

i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little

what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here

i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.



:: 2017 28 May :: 10.50am

don't worry about me. i don't need anyone. im strong enough on my own.



:: 2017 26 May :: 7.34am

every day my heart breaks a little more

empty words spoken by false friends

if you really wanted to help me you'd be there for me

just saying you care isn't enough

maybe i should care more too.



:: 2017 25 May :: 2.19pm

i sit at work and think about what's going on in the world

what's BEEN going on in the world since the rise of man

thinking about all the plastic in our oceans and in our animals and our landfills

thinking about all the cancer and disease nuclear weapons and power have cause

all the cancer and dealt that corporations have caused

all the countless cultures that were erased due to christianity

people who were once, or still are, slaves to the greedy and powerful

and the. i look at the boxes with the never ending red dots

and all the cuts to our benefits

and all the retaliation and politics

and it's all i can do to not burst into tears

everything is so absolutely hopeless.
what's the point.



:: 2017 15 May :: 10.08am

i said goodbye with my mouth

but my heart still holds you inside

twisted and contorted

did i do the right thing



:: 2017 13 May :: 1.26am

as you grow older and notice patterns in behavior

when i'm extremely stressed and feeling particularly out of control i floss

i also push my body way too hard and in the bad way i hope i wasn't as mean to myself as i think

sooo excited about j's new place! makes me nostalgic for my apartment
especially now that it's summer



:: 2017 4 May :: 9.27pm

first time playing quarters TOTAL DOMINATION



:: 2017 29 April :: 2.34pm

i am so so tired

why so tired



:: 2017 22 April :: 10.45am

i think my boyfriend and i have the same cycle

that or he really hates when i do stuff without him

either way i don't like it



:: 2017 15 April :: 7.28pm

finally home after the portland trip. concert was bitchin. had a super fun time.

can't tell if i'm depressed or just pms'ing

just love being home so much



:: 2017 11 April :: 10.00pm

every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday

and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it

it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed

all my self doubt and fear about the future

my shame and regrets

my failures

then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else

i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it

i hate this



:: 2017 7 April :: 5.42pm

happy birthday to me
vacation's all i ever wanted
vacation got to get away

2 loves | <3


:: 2017 31 March :: 11.09pm

shit shouldn't be this fucking HARD

my chest contains a heavy stone, where my heart used to be.

some days feel like heavy clouds trying to choke any semblance of joy out of me.

i always have been and always will be worthless.

life is pain. we are all alone. no one will every really understand us. nothing really matters in the end. when your flesh is burned or buried. to be eaten by worms or breathed in by animals. but you will be dead.



:: 2017 31 March :: 8.36pm

i still have as much of a clue as to what i'm doing with my life as i did 10 years ago.

absolutely no fucking clue



:: 2017 31 March :: 10.20am

women are a commodity not people
women are a natural resource, a status symbol, a toy
women owe men for everything men do for them
they are only worth the sex they give freely
and if they try to take some power back by charging for sex they are vilified
women aren't people
women are tools to use in the gratifications nd fulfillment of men

if you treat us nicely, we owe you sex
if you buy us dinner, we owe you sex
if we are nice and friendly to you, we owe you sex
if we smile in your general direction, we owe you sex

if you rape us and ruin our lives, you shouldn't be punished because you have your whole life ahead of you
if you rape us and make us pregnant, we have to keep the baby with no support from you because we should have made better decisions with our bodies
if you rape us and we speak out, we are the whores who asked for it

but yeah, women have it pretty good. we have the power. we are in control.

but of what?

we are brainwashed from an early age that we aren't anything but bitches and hoes.
we are told we can achieve anything, but we are never treated equally
we are looked down upon
we are too emotional
we aren't strong enough
we are too shy
we are too outspoken

we are told to blaze our own trail, but if it isn't in high heels and full make up, you don't want it
we are told to shoot for the stars, while we are locked in cages
we are told to be ourselves and unique, but are shamed and scorned if we do not conform to the status quo
everything is quid pro quo for us

of all the jobs i've had, the one i stayed at the longest is the only one i haven't been sexually harassed at. it is one of the main reason i have stayed here this long.

but all of this means little or nothing to a majority of men. they don't see the problems because they don't have to wake up and hope they aren't assaulted, discounted or ridiculed because of their gender. ignorance is bliss. and no one wants to walk a mile in stilettos.



:: 2017 16 March :: 7.41am

i gave my everything

to all the wrong things



:: 2017 10 March :: 10.49pm

am i depressed or am i happy?

im paranoid



:: 2017 10 March :: 5.14pm

every visit to a doctors office simply reaffirms the strong loathing and detestment i feel for the medical profession



:: 2017 8 March :: 9.23pm

yeah......... but why?



:: 2017 7 March :: 10.23am

endlessly behind at work makes me feel anxious

mandatory overtime makes me mad

i just want a legitimate day off



:: 2017 2 March :: 10.24pm

go see logan you won't regret it

2 loves | <3


:: 2017 1 March :: 8.05pm

i need to get some ear plugs for jams

because i already am half deaf i don't need help the rest of the way

sometimes the guitar teacher comes. she hasn't really played electric before but her and juanholio are pretty fairly matched when it comes to general skill and knowledge

he gets a special glimmer in his eye when she comes over it's cute

i hate how hopelessly hermity i am. but making friends is hard and talking to strangers that could turn into friends is the terrifying.




:: 2017 17 February :: 7.01pm

3 out of 4 individuals on the special project team has the favorite animal of a giraffe


i think there's a definite correlation between weirdos and giraffe lovers.

oh and geniuses.



:: 2017 16 February :: 10.02am

there's a hole in the bottom of my heart
and all my blood is spilling into my organs



:: 2017 16 February :: 6.40am

im tired and i am filled with sadness and disappointment with myself

i wish i could erase what happened

i wish i could have been smarter sooner

i wish i hadn't been such a shitty person

being with him makes me feel like i need to forget my past and pretend i was just born yesterday. i don't like hurting him, but i don't like being silent forever.

i just want to give up. it was easier when i wasn't loved.



:: 2017 14 February :: 6.21pm

i love dog stars they make the commute home even better



:: 2017 12 February :: 10.28pm

everything is slightly up and to the left of center

not sure i like it



:: 2017 9 February :: 3.25pm

we presented our solution and options for moving forward today to all the big wigs

despite our dry run the hour before hand being really rough, we really pulled through at the end

while we were derailed a few times by the attendees that were not the intended audience, the top 2 executives for our department were very impressed and happy with what was presented

it feels so fucking good to have this milestone done

in just 30 days we solved a problem that's been plaguing the boss man for 4 years.

we are the fucking kings and queens of promise



:: 2017 7 February :: 7.34am

going dairy free for 3 weeks taught me my body hates dairy

day 2 of gluten free and it feels like i've been eating nothing but milk and cheese




:: 2017 4 February :: 10.41am

The end result for this morning was such a fail. I had baked carrot cake, I believe was Wednesday, but it's not perfect and I know that. This was something my mom wanted me to do since a year ago. To bake something and sell some bakery goods. The problem is that I can't get all the ingredients - either they're too expensive or not readily available. I also don't have much experience in baking. I could bake perfectly because I had done this before back in the states. I made red velvet cake that receives approval from my teacher and fellow classmates. It's no use talking about it now because I was 18 at the time and I'm not there anymore.

The carrot cake was not perfect because it had missed some ingredients: ground clove, nutmeg, cream cheese, butter, vanilla extract, and walnuts. That's a huge chunk of ingredients. I mixed everything by hand. And I also forgot salt. Anyways, I went out Wednesday and asked a small coffee shop stand (not sure if I'm using the correct terms, as these types of "shops" can't be opened in the states) asking her to sell the cake for me. She told me to come again on Saturday. The result: no one bought them. The cakes had ants in them. She gave me the cash, and said she didn't want anymore. At least I know that I tried. Now I can move on to something else.

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