lalala

had to quit d&d because someone was being paranoid that I was trying to get him killed and fucking tried at me for how I play the game.

if it was the first time is be like whatever, even if it was the 3rd time, but this shit has been going on at least a year and I'm fucking over it.

I'm not really used to people hating me like that for no reason. I'm not great at the game, the rules are convoluted and boring, I just wanted to role play. but I couldn't even do that without someone always talking over me.

just like in my real life. I'm so fucking boring people can't even wait until I'm done talking before they start their own story.

I'm so boring even my bf constantly ditches me.

I'm literally the most boring doormat. you just want me money and my effort, you don't want ME.

it feels like no one wants me.
rejected toy painted with lead paint
repugnant petulant

MUNDANE, MOROSE, TEDIOUS, DULL, DISAPPOINTING, CHUCKLEHEAD dumb ass bitch.

I hate every day.

godessalthena

:: 2021 29 January :: 11.47pm

had to quit d&d

I'm bummed

but I'm done wasting my precious time off dealing with that asshat.

godessalthena

:: 2021 27 January :: 8.25am

in my freshman year in college I had a lot of feminine issues and saw SEVERAL doctors

but the one I remember the most was the one that handed me a mirror and let me watch the exam and told me what I was looking at.

that woman made a fundamental difference to my life, and I wish I could thank her. I hope she's alive and well and doing well.

godessalthena

:: 2021 22 January :: 1.19pm

I'm starting to feel like there are only like 5 people who would call me a friend.

the rest are just people I interact with occasionally, for 5 years, we can't be friends.

I just can't fucking make friends.

godessalthena

:: 2021 19 January :: 8.31am
:: Music: smashmouth Lord help me

smashmouth and cake always remind me of better times. I've been looking back more and more at my experiences, and I feel myself slipping away into a lethal kind of nostalgia.

I miss the friends I used to have.
I miss giving a strong impression of a sense of self.
I miss having fun.

All I really want are more people I can laugh until I cry with.

godessalthena

:: 2021 13 January :: 3.16pm

what ever happened to ska?
remember the mickey avalon concert where we met?

and that birthday party. all those birthday parties.

I miss you friend, I wonder where you disappeared to, why you ghosted me, and if you're still doing alright.

I hope things are good for you. you deserve the best

godessalthena

:: 2021 12 January :: 6.10am

regret is a deep rabid river, constantly trying to pull you under

godessalthena

:: 2021 2 January :: 11.50pm

is it just me or deep at it's core metal is really fucking dorky? have you actually ever listened to the lyrics

the guitar licks may be sick, but those words knock it out if me

labyrinth

:: 2020 25 December :: 11.30pm

Life is short. Gotta focus on what really matters.

labyrinth

:: 2020 22 December :: 1.32am

Running out of ideas for things to do for fun.

labyrinth

:: 2020 15 December :: 12.16am

I Like Happy Mail
Things are getting better, overall.

I miss getting happy mail but I can't afford to keep paying for stickers and prints from other countries. In the past, it was exciting to be getting happy mails from Budapest, Canada, Portugal, Uk, New Zealand, etc.

If I ever make an income, I can afford prints and stickers again. My new favorites are memo pads, washi tapes, and planner stickers.

godessalthena

:: 2020 8 December :: 2.05pm

on a more positive note I made home made gnocchi with leftover KFC potatoes and they turned out really tasty!

godessalthena

:: 2020 8 December :: 8.07am
:: Music: good girls (don't get used)

maybe it's time for a real update...

4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.

but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...

it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.

but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.

I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.

I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.

I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.

the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

godessalthena

:: 2020 7 December :: 6.40pm

I know I say this a lot.

but fuck do I hate being alive.

labyrinth

:: 2020 2 December :: 1.34pm

YAY DECEMBER
HAPPY DECEMBER!!

I'm going to start a YouTube channel in a few days. I need to make my first video in these few days!!

labyrinth

:: 2020 28 November :: 12.43am

Death
My father is ill, and I'm staying home with him because he was told by a doctor he'd die soon, which I don't know if it's 1-3 months or later. Don't know. I already have plans to get a job if I have to be alone. I don't want him to die. Life is better with him but eventually, I have to be alone. Relatives don't care about me. I've never felt so alone in my life.

godessalthena

:: 2020 26 November :: 6.45pm

I hate every single second I'm alive

godessalthena

:: 2020 26 November :: 12.44pm

these feelings are inescapable
like a black straight jacket suffocating me
I'm so so miserable no matter my circumstances
and that isn't fair to anyone

except me because I deserve to feel this way

labyrinth

:: 2020 21 November :: 6.38pm

Weight Journey
Since I haven't gotten myself a planner. I'll just write about my weight journey here. I think it's day four of eating one meal. I had half of a Subway sandwich and 50% less sugar vanilla milk tea. That's all I'm having today. I drink 2-3 glasses of water for 3 days now. I'm at 128 pounds. I hope to get to 110 pounds. The lowest weight in my life was 101 pounds. My ultimate goal was always 90 pounds or less. But my first goal is 110 to put less pressure on myself.

labyrinth

:: 2020 20 November :: 9.21pm

I've decided to start keeping a planner to keep track of when I diet or when I have to eat because someone buys food for me. I never have to worry about not having food. Everyone is too focused on eating.

3 loves | <3

labyrinth

:: 2020 20 November :: 9.16pm

Trying to lose weight all the time
It's been nearly 15 years since I tried keeping my weight off but never successfully kept it off. I've lost weight and at the same time gain weight easily. Most of it was the food people gave me. My dad bought a lot of food in my younger years and he still does it recently but not as much. I tell him often I want to lose weight. He has lupus and often feels ill so he's not paying much attention to me dieting. He loves to see me eat and will spend money on food, but his illness kept him from checking to see what I eat in a day.

labyrinth

:: 2020 19 November :: 4.15pm

So, I've been listing things for sale online with free shipping worldwide but the problem is I don't think anyone sees my listings. I don't have any following on Depop because I just created the site 3 days ago. I'm giving it half a year to see some sales. I remember posting on WordPress and getting a sale within a day but this one might take more time.

godessalthena

:: 2020 17 November :: 9.16pm

remember when we saw secret window with Johnny depp and painted pottery for your birthday? that was a good day.

I miss those days.

godessalthena

:: 2020 17 November :: 10.22am

holidays are cancelled this year. I miss my family.

been practicing making pretzels. they taste really good, they are light and fluffy, I just always feel like they are too soft. I am so scared of over kneading because I tried making tortellini from scratch before and they were so tough I thought they would break my teeth.

I'll knead it longer next time. I wish my oven was bigger.

labyrinth

:: 2020 15 November :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: creative

Memo Pads Obsessed
I'm thinking about getting myself some gifts for Christmas. I've been obsessed with stationery especially memo pads and sticker sheets. Not just any stationery though. I'm obsessed with Korean stationery because I've never seen anything like it. It is so cute, beautiful, creative, and imaginative. I don't think they look like memo pads too because the artwork/design takes up the whole page. If you're curious about what I'm talking about, google put_so_nyeon and click images. If someone wanted to give me Christmas gifts, I would want them to know they should order from the put_so_nyeon website to get those memos to send to me, lol.

godessalthena

:: 2020 19 October :: 10.00am

my life is a shitty mess

but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess

:(

2 loves | <3