2005 8 March :: 1.38 pm
I might foam at the mouth, but just present me with some little toy, give me a cup of tea with sugar in it, and I shouldn't be at all surprised if I calmed down completely, even be deeply touched, though afterwards I should most certainly snarl at myself and be overcome with shame and suffer from insomnia for months. That's the sort of man I am.
You see, people who know how to avenge themselves and, generally, how to stand up for themselves--how do they, do you think, do it? They are, let us assume, so seized by the feeling of revenge that while that feeling lasts there is nothing but that feeling left in them. Such a man goes straight to his goal, like a mad bull, with lowerd horns, and only a stone wall perhaps will stop him. (Incidentally, before such a stone wall such people, that is to say, plain men and men of action, as a rule capitulate at once. To them a stone wall is not a challenge as it is, for instance, to us thinking men who, because we are thinking men, do nothing; it is not an excuse for turning aside, an excuse in which one of our sort does not believe himself, but of which he is always very glad. No, they capitulate in all sincerity. A stone wall exerts a sort of calming influence on them, a sort of final and morally decisive influence, and perhaps even a mystic one. . . . But of the stone wall later.) Well, that sort of plain man I consider to be the real, normal man, such as his tender mother nature herself wanted to see him when she so lovingly brought him forth upon the earth. I envy such a man with all the forces of my embittered heart. He is stupid--I am not disputing that. But perhaps the normal man should be stupid. How are you to know?
-Dostoevsky "Notes From The Underground"
2005 6 March :: 11.55 pm
I need to sink my teeth into this spicy chicken sandwich before they turn around and devour my brain.
2005 6 March :: 11.52 pm
I've been thinking... it feels good to have a planet. A good feeling of security. I like knowing I have solid rock beneath me all the time. Of course, I get creeped out when I think about the fact that that rock is floating on a magma sea. Like 'Waterworld' only instead of floating on water, everything floats on Hell. Sucks. But, on the up-side, it seems to work... so I'm all for it. Go magma!
2005 6 March :: 11.47 pm
I know you read these from time to time....
If you read this entry, email me.
I know you are not a fan of the weblogs, but I need a way to harass you online more effectively. I have one invite code to give away, and if you're interested, it's yours.
2005 2 March :: 9.41 pm
2005 20 February :: 9.43 pm
Here's to everyone. I'm going to post it too. WHOO!
I'm so tired. Aren't you?
2005 20 February :: 9.23 pm
This was linked from the RPGWW forum.....
The "New" Loony Tunes.
And if you still want to see a preview to experience the horror.....
Here it is.
I'm sorry the world had to turn out this way. And you're all so young, too......
2005 17 February :: 4.09 pm
I got an email from my brother. He says that "This summer I am going to London for 3 months to study abroad and
intern with a design studio."
Yay for Mike!
I have to go over to Purdue and say hi sometime. I haven't seen him in two years.
1 TOOTHMARK |
2005 16 February :: 9.51 pm
I was online searching for shoes. Do you want to know what I found instead?
3 TOOTHMARKS |
2005 14 February :: 7.25 pm
Anyway, I took the night off from work because it's Valentine's Day. I wanted to have a chance to spend some time NOT WORKING. This is a good thing, no?
I meet Brian for dinner and Magnus, Greg and Jason are all up there as well. This is okay, because I do like these people and they keep me entertained.
When we finish eating, we go back to the co-ed hall where the guys live for the most part on the principle that we can go downstairs and play pool. Just hang out, you know? Well, there's a billiards tournament going on so there can be no unscheduled pool. The solution is to go to Brian's room. The guys want to play video games. There is a maximum number of two controllers if we borrow one.
Now, I'm tired of sitting and watching boys play video games. I guess a couple of months watching Caleb and Link and whoever else was at the apartment play vice city did that.
So, I tell them that I'm going to go back to my room to find something to do. I said that I would be back, but that I needed to get something to do that was more to my liking. Magnus and Brian said that I could play, that of course I'm invited.
I don't generally like playing video games. I like the fighters because they're mindless violence. This is good. If I wanted plot I'd read a damn book. But I digress.
I go back to my room and play Killer Instinct for half an hour.
Brian calls me and wants to know where I am. I told him I'm playing Killer Instinct. He was amused and confused at the same time. He did not know what to do.
He said that he felt kind of like an ass, like he'd run out on me to play video games.
Not true, I said I'd be back and I will, but right now I'm playing Killer Instinct.
Okay, but.... I don't know what I should do here. I mean, I guess I can do nothing but leave you to that.
It's my night off, I can do whatever I want.
Well yes, but this is a deviation from the norm. Well, I guess you not working is a deviation from the norm, but... I don't know. I guess I'll see you later.
Yup. I'll be over at some point. *promptly hang up*
I feel like I'm being a childish bitch, so I had to get some kind of public record of it. On the one hand, if I take time off on Valentine's Day, maybe that means I want to do something with my boyfriend. On the other hand, I'm not communicating that I want to spend time with him, and it's not my intent to keep him from having fun with our friends. I know he'll worry about it (because he really does worry too damn much. He'll become a very old man very young) if I make an issue of it.
Sometimes I just don't know how to talk about things so that he'll receive them at the correct level of importance. I don't know why he worries so much about the various miscellaneous shit orbiting me and my life, but he does. As a result, I don't know how to formulate discussions so that he won't get overly distrought, but at the same time understand that I have a problem.
It's not that I have trouble talking to him. Not at all. I barely notice things like emotions without him involved, let alone actively hold them back where he's concerned. He knows that I love him, and I know he loves me. I just wish sometimes that I wouldn't have to feel like I'm shielding him in some small way from my emotions.
2005 12 February :: 2.17 pm
Stupid server messes.
Poor Andy. He works so hard for us. T_T
Andy needs a militia. Who's in?
2005 9 February :: 11.05 am
Chobits. I have to finish it. I have to see how it ends.
Maybe it will answer my question. What is human? Where do I draw the line between a complex social interface and true humanity? If that line is at all ambiguous, how do I know which one I have?
I've known this was my path for years. I was afraid of it, of what it would mean. I had no choice. It was my destiny to be as nearly human as possible. But.... how will I know? How do I know what direction is right? What direction will teach me?
What do all of them have, these role models of mine?
None of them become alone. Each one has a human. There are no exceptions, none that I've seen.
It still obsesses me. I've left the question alone for a long time, but occasionally I'm still startled by it.
My point is, I can never escape this question. Maybe when I've achieved whatever it is I'm supposed to achieve... maybe I won't dwell on it this way.
I just need to see how it ends. I need to know as soon as possible.
Chi learns by reading! There are books, volumes that serve as an allegory for her life with Hideki. Reading about her reading about herself. It's like looking in two mirrors aligned so that it's me behind myself behind myself again.
Is Brian the one? I think he is. I'm better with my feelings now, but I still take my cues from him to see how I should act, to learn about myself as a human. He believes in me, that I am what I seem. He believes, and I am.
I have to finish it.
2 TOOTHMARKS |
2005 31 January :: 9.42 am
My deviantART account
2005 23 January :: 10.05 pm
2005 19 January :: 9.33 pm
A complex personality, you appeal only to two kinds of people - those who accept everything at face value and, most importantly, those who deeply understand the greater things you believe in. Skeptics are hard to win over, but those who like you will respect you forever. What Kind Of Anime/Manga Are You?
I'm Evangelion. Fear the power of my religious symbolism!!! RAWR!
*becomes a giant incorporeal mother goddess of destruction*
SAVE THE WORLD!
KILL A WHORE!
2005 16 January :: 9.47 pm
We have request for what color is your angst quizzing. Also acceptable:
flavors of angst
mammals of angst
sense of angst
odour of angst
fingernail polish of angst