:: 2005 27 June :: 10.49 pm
:: Mood: cheerful

whAt a beautiful day
i'm lovin life
why you ask? well its a secret for now, but maybe some day soon i'll reveal it!

--TODAY:
in other news, a PIMP job possibility has come up in, none other than sunnayyyyy californiaaaa, HOLLAH! I cant think of anything more WoNDeRfUL than makin lotsa $$moolahh$$ in that amazing city! whats better than that?? [[in case you are wondering, the answer is -NOTHING-!]] ohh.. & i think i learned the biggest lesson in my life [[sucha DAMN shame it's taken me yyyyears to figure this all out]]. i was thinking about -my angel- earlier today and it just hit me, "wow, he's gone. never comin' back. he hasn't had these past months that i've had; that I have taken completely for granted. and he'll never havetime on earth again, like i do RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW." So, TODAY i'm promising myself that I'm d-o-n-e with all the dRaMa that makes my days so... RUINED! I'm done with childish bUlLsHit that has kept me from being completely HAPPY; done being miss drama queen w. a little PsyCho on the side! there is no way in HELL-O that i'm going to keep writing depressing, melodramatic crud in this thing. no more gay ass relationship issues that fix themselves the next day. no more boo hoo'ing about my boyfriend or how i screwed up with him. i lost myself for so long, and its time to get ME back, the happy-go-lucky-up-for-anything-girl that i was so long ago. I'm done letting dumb things rain on my parade. im lookin at each day as a gift from god, and one that i should NEVER waste by being mad, bored, upset, or full of complaints. There's something beautiful about each day we are given, we just need to find that and keep that locked in our memories when things go wrong. I mean, honestly-- as long as we are breathing, have all our limbs in tact, and have people we love all around us, what is there to possibly get THAT uptight over??? OPTIMISM is SO HOTT right NOW! [[and so is this GORGEOUS weather, i'm lovin it!]]
oh, went jogging today [[ok..ok..it was a brisk walk, whatev..its the POINT that i did some type of physical activity, GOT IT!!]] I took miss cheyenne w. me! she's got issues with lightening bugs--weirdo!!

--THE WEEKEND:
the long and short of it is ... driving range w. ben [[we totally suck]] ... pioneer park [[sun and steak, enough said]] ... red lobster [[oh how i adore that place]] ... and monopoly games that last 29742394324327 hours. yeah, that covers it. <3

--SIDENOTE:
they just gave a girl a kittttty on pimp my ride, um.. JEALOUS!

| | | later lovelies| | |

be heard..

:: 2005 16 June :: 12.47 am
:: Mood: contemplative

cooTies & skinned knees
T H O S E W E R E T H E DAYS ...
I remember wanting to grow up so bad because it looked so incredibly cool to be GROWN UP-- you know, wear make up, have boobs, date boys, the whole works. Now, i'd give anything to be that naive little 8 year old again. I mean-- the make up thing turned out ok. {{{ i do love my makeup and how it beautifies me!!}}} But boy was I wrong about BOOBS and BOYS.

B O Y S-- hmm, where do I start?? I think i expect too much.. but what is wrong with wanting a guy to completely sweep you off your feet and tell you that you are his world and that he cant live without you and would do anything for you?? NOTHING!! Of course, how many of those guys are really out there {{{ and more importantly, how many aren't complete PANSY-ASSES??}}} Maybe you boys are clueless and DO love your girls, but you are just too dim-witted as to how to express that. Yea, yea, yea-- I LOVE YOUS are precious and we LOVE them, especially if you mean it, but remember ITS THE LITTLE THINGS THAT REALLY MAKE A GIRL FEEL SPECIAL! {{{ i.e.-- flowers for no reason...calling just to say you love her... telling her she is beautiful when shes in sweats and your tshirt...do something spontaneous that you know she'd love...}}}

currently, im rather FRUSTRATED on this issue. there's so many things I'd like to bring up and talk about, but I dont want to be my normal DRAMA QUEEN self or cause troubles when things are almost FABULOUS! {{{well, not at the moment...but today doesn't count!}}} maybe i'll get up the nerve one of these days and COMPLETELY VENT it all to him. when i do, be prepared to hear my winey-ass the next day writing how wrong it went! {ha!}

i just miss being little, mostly because i know it'll never be that way again. i'm growing up and i hate it. i'm not ready to close my childhood chapter -&- leave it all behind. the memories are just too amazing and i cherish them with my heart, even though back then it was just another day of finding something to do. i miss playing kickball all day long in the schroyer's field and playing pool on their fisher price pool table in the basement. i miss bickering back and fourth with jason but playin barbies for hours in the toy room upstairs {{{i bet someone is BLUSHING up in heaven right now..haha}. i miss packing snacks, snorkles, and drinks for a fun day at the camp pool w. grammy and putting on disney plays on the neighbor's deck. i miss arguing w. nick over who'd get to ride the new tricycle at grammy speeney's and deep creek maryland w. gram,pap, courtney, chris, uncle rick, and terri. i miss helping mom sell avon and having her customers tip me. i miss throwing softball in the back yard with dad and sneaking into the living room late at night to watch him play blades of steel on SEGA. i miss campfires and full moons with promises of coins if you held up an empty pocketbook (or purse as we say now-a-days) at night. i miss the summer romances w. jordan where we argued more than got along and being miss thang at the grounds. i miss dancing around in bathrobes singing at the top of my lungs and easter egg hunts where pappy always hid the eggs too well, and forgot where he hid them. i miss the huge christmas's at grandma martz with the entire FAMILY. i miss bareass beach, riding pegs down the nature trail, "haunted cemetaries", and diving contests with erin.

dont get me wrong, i love my life now. it might not always be interesting--and at times its even irritating, but its MY life. im here on earth and thats good enough for me. sure i complain about , well.. everything i can think of, but im truly happy to be here-- to have my crazy, unconventional family- my health - my friends - and yes, even ben.{{{well, especially BEN}}} its a wild ride w. him, and sometimes im ready to throw up, but if i didnt have the speed bumps i wouldnt appreciate the smooth sailing. {{{and yes, contrary to popular belief...there actually IS smooth sailing in the Kristi-Ben saga} I'm glad he's around, even if he is driving me nuts half the time or if I want to rip his eyes out. He keeps me grounded, trys to motivate my lazy ass, and for some reason loves me when I hardly deserved to be loved at all. I guess you could say Im kinda lucky. I forget that myself sometimes-- and tend to look at his -unfavorable- traits. Once a spoiled brat, always a spoiled brat...and because of that, I want everything to be MY way including my boyfriend. Sometimes, I think I try (or want) to mold him into something he isn't, when in reality I know if he became that person, id be bored. Yes-- he isn't always the most emotional boy alive, and yes he often has the "i-dont-give-a-damn-what-you-think" attitude which causes friction, but i guess we'd be one boring couple if he was everything i've ever wanted in a guy. he fits the bill, i suppose. {ha!}.

--well, im sleepy. (ok, so not really).
| | |later loves| | |

and for the record, it SUCKS not saying ..i l o v e y o u.. at the end of the night.(but that didn't happen tonight..afterall!)

be heard..

:: 2005 18 May :: 7.24 am

embrace em, dont wAste em'
HAPPY BiRTHDAY PUDGE *tear*
I LOVE getting up at 4:30 in the morning, only to find out there is NO security badge for me! (shoot me...seriously!) So needless to say, I could be sleeping right now--but no. DAMN YOU SONY!

aside from that outburst of anger-- i stopped out at jason's grave this morning, because his birthday would have been yesterday. i bawled. seeing his name there makes it so real. so permanent. i think it finally hit me that i will truly NEVER see him again in this life. his name is never going to pop up on the screen for aol. i'll never have any more of those 3 in the morning conversations when he knew exactly the right thing to say to make me feel so much better about... everything. i'll never understand why god decided to take him when he was so young, but i know there are reasons beyond what we are supposed to understand. i just hope that he brings heaven as much joy and happiness as he brought to those he loved on earth. lord-- its hard to be positive though, it just really doesn't seem fair.

went to pioneer park all day today-- helped (a.k.a slept in the old camper) with the new camper. ben, who my grandparents simply adore, did alot of work though. he even hurt his fingers. (ew). and may i just say i love my mamma popson... she is a wonderful woman. other mothers (who shall remain NAMELESS--cough cough) could learn a few things from HER! anyways--love her.

but-- please keep the auer family in your continued prayers and maybe say a little prayer for the schroyer family as well.

| | |later loves| | |

2 words | be heard..

:: 2005 15 May :: 1.30 am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: raindrops on the window..

1 word | be heard..

:: 2005 14 May :: 6.18 am
:: Mood: exhausted

life's aBout changin'
i found this while going through old word documents on my computer...

Hey boyfriend, it's 2:37 Friday morning, and SURPRISE I cannot sleep. During my hours of insomnia I did a little thinking about us. (Don't worry, I'll keep this short and to the point). I'd just like to say how pleased I am with...US. I know I bitch and complain and that is usually what you hear. This might be something new to your ears. I love being with you. I love being in such a strong relationship with somebody as incredible as you. I value US more than any item I own (or any of them combined). Yes, even my precious Dooney&Bourke purse. I've figured out that'll we have our moments, you know the ones I'm talking about...where we'd like to punch each other in face and gouge each others eyes out, but they are just moments, and they pass. But what we have, I hope will never pass. Each day there is something new with you, with us...good or bad, but its refreshing. I hope that never changes. It's hard to tell what will happen in the future, but I truly believe that you'll be part of mine. I know there will be rough spots, where one of us might want to give up, but do me a favor...and never give up on me. I really can't imagine someone else ever comparing with you in my heart. I look at you and see it all. Those other hot guys with good personalities are great...for someone else, not me. I just want you to know, that although I get aggravated with you at times, I always will appreciate you and all that you do for me, and all that you make me feel. I still find it amazing that after all this time, we find things to talk about and to laugh about. That really makes me smile, because I know that will always be the case. I know we have days when we are at each others throats, but dont ever let those days make you forget why we DO work, why we ARE together, and why WE are worth the trouble we cause each other. I trust you more than I trust any other person in this world. I know I can tell you anything, and it's safe. You always give me your opinion even when I might not be happy with it, and I love that. Not many people are THAT REAL, that HONEST. I love that we dont need to lie to each other, ever. I see all these people who get married and then divorced, what's the statistic now...like.. 55% divorce rate. And I just wonder what makes people, who obviously loved each other in the beginning, divorce. I think its because they dont KNOW each other well enough, in the first place. They don't get what makes the person they care about really TICK. They dont try to work it out, because they lose sight of why they were together in the first place. Let's never lose sight of why we are together. We're together because we love each other. We're together because, although we cause each other a little added chaos here and there, when it comes right down to it we've seen each other at our worsts, and we're okay with that. And THAT is something most people can't accept. In the 2 1/2 years we've been together, we've had our ups and we've had our downs, but downs keep getting fewer, and the ups keep getting more exciting. I love you honey, and I dont see that changing in this lifetime.

be heard..