:: 2004 19 June :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: blank

it's been awhile
i haven't updated in forever and a half....so i thought i'd update. um...what is new with me? doing talent show, auditioning for this crazy choir thing, in need of a job because i need money.

yeah, how about you guys? what's new with you?

always, Sandy

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:: 2004 15 June :: 1.16 pm
:: Mood: tired

"The sun will come up tomorrow"
I'm bored. I'm waiting for Goli to come pick me up so we can go to some library in Deerfield and make copies of sheet music for our talent show (which better be rockin' awesome). I guess I'm excited. Like I'm really excited about doing it but I don't know how much our third partner is looking forward to it. But whatever...he's just gonna have to get over it then..::sigh::

Um I don't know what else to write besides that I'm bored.

I'll update some other time.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 14 June :: 4.08 pm

i am so bored. ahhhhhhhhhhh

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:: 2004 9 June :: 6.05 pm

mike shinoda is so rockin' awesome (ahhhhhhhhhhhh)

You are SOMEWHERE I BELONG. ~I wanna heal. I wanna
feel. Like I'm close to something real. I wanna
find something I've wanted all along.~


Which Linkin Park song from Meteora are you? {includes pics}
brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2004 8 June :: 3.47 pm
:: Mood: indifferent

you have the cool, clear eyes of a seeker of wisdom and truth
do do do i'm bored. without the moore i'm just kinda sitting at home. i have this awful habit of not calling people...jorie's usually the one calling saying she's bored so come on over. then i get out of my house.

it's really wierd. these past two summers....well we're only a week into this summer....but it's wierd. i actually go out. you know? my whole life...i never saw friends once school ended. hell...i never heard from them until our schedules came in the mail. and even then i would be very surprised. people actually called me. my whole life..i've been confined in my home doing absolutely nothing. maybe that's why i can't stand being the same room as my brothers anymore....because i literally spent my entire life with them.

every year i dreaded summer. summer meant being locked up at home only going "out" on sundays to church. then after church it was time to come home again. maybe that's why i drastically gained so much weight in one year. because one summer i felt so insanely lonely. so bored and so alone. so food was my source of comfort...eating was something to occupy all my free time. now it's hard to lose the weight taht i gained. i mean....i'm not complaining as much anymore...i'm not obese...it's no where near a health issue. it's just...i miss fitting into a size 1....::sigh:: that's my goal for this summer....lose some weight....look "better". so far it's working a little bit. i've lost about 5-6 pounds already which is pretty encouraging. but moving on....i don't want to waste an entire entry talking about my weight.

last night was wierd. i decided to go online around midnight basically cuz i didn't feel like sleeping. gasp dudes...people IMed me. (a lot fo the times i go online to just sit...without talking to anyone...wahtever) and the jerkass from college IMed me...yeah i was surprised...it's like hey the jerkass remembered me after a whole year! anywho...i was just talking to him....."talking".....because it ook him at least 5 minutes to respond (he was probably talking to his oh-so-perfect girlfriend--i'm not bitter at all HA) anywho....he asked about highschool and hwo it was. i told him it was interesting...i was learning alot and not necessarily academically. and i kinda explained about what i thought about people and my old friends. he told me i changed a lot. that i was very mature. wow. i was like what the hell are you on? me--mature? hahaha let me tell you...i'm not the brightest person in the world and most of the time i act like a 7 year old. oh man..i'm so mature. i had this confused look on my face (i didn't even have to look in the mirror). ::sigh:: life is interesting. i hate so much about it....but what can i do? nothing...just kinda live. i hate just living. and the fact that i'm no longer religious bothers me. i don't have that inspiration to even care. i still believe in him...i know he's there. but i want to feel like he's here...not just there. i know taht doens't make much sense but it does to me. i used to be so religious....i'm not anymore. i gave up on a lot of things and religion being one of them. i always have this feeling of guilt about every fucking thing i do because i'm always thinking "God must hate me now for the way i act" "how can he forgive someone like me?"

i'll stop talking about religion in case it offends anyone. but it's really affecting the way i act...the way i talk...the way i think....the way i am. and i don't like it. i need to find me some inspiration.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 7 June :: 4.59 pm
:: Mood: itchy

mosquitos suck (no pun intended....patrice ;-))
i'm itchy all over... dudes i must have over 20 just from last night...mostquitos truly do suck (oh wow now i'm smiling...patrice you're a butt....a buttface to be exact). anywho...

i am bored. and by being bored i think. and by thinking i criticize everything damn thing about me. you know what my problem is? my self esteem is so low that it's pathetic. i know i talked to goli about this and i didn't realize how low my self esteem was until she flat out said "sandy, your self esteem is extremely low and you need to do something about it". she's right. i do. right now...i am at the point where if i'm not included...it's just something that's natural to me. i don't get offended...i don't get upset...it's just the way things are. i feel like i try to hard to "fit in". when i'm in a group setting...many times i watch myself from outside of my body (yes creepy..i know) and observe exactly what i do. i do thing for attention and i know it. but hey at least i admit it right? yeah.....

i saw kacie last night. i had seen her a couple times before...like when she came to see one of our shows....but last night was the first time in nearly 2 years that we actually "hung out". it was so awesome. the girl hadn't changed and boy was a i glad. you would think attending a different school and associating with other people would change her personality right? nope...she's still the kacie that i remember and love so much. i remembered why i loved spending time with her. she was one of those girls who didn't care about what others thought about her...didn't draw special attention to herself...she was very carefree and just an over all fun person. i could never be mad at her because how she portrayed herself was exactly who she was. she's also one of those girls who actually likes having fun...by that i mean when we play games/sports...she participates.....i know i suck but i try....she doesn't all girly saying she can't do it...she's the first to volunteer to join. she's awesome.

what is love? you know another thing i learned about myself? i don't believe in love anymore. i don't know what it is. i don't know what truly caring for someone is like. i thought i did. until the jerk decided he was too good for me. of course he found another girl who is obviously better than me...she has to be more outgoing...more flirty...more of everything...of course only the best for that jerk. now he's back from college and still treats me like crap. i tried talking to him the other night....cuz i hadn't since christmas...the boy signed off on me. probably got a call from his girlfriend...the one who's obviously better than me. grrrr just thinking about it still makes me cry. i trusted him with my life. i loved him to death. i don't mean i loved him...i truly loved him. he was...always there for me. when i was breaking down...nearly attempted the unthinkable...when i almost ended my life....he was the one who held my hand and helped me grow stronger and find a reason to live. when i believed that there was no more hope left for me....he made me believe. he saved my life.

and then he left me. he stopped talking to me altogether. that probably hurt more than everything else that i ever went through. the boy who saved my life left me and ignored me.

maybe that's why i don't believe in love anymore. maybe that's why when i start liking a guy...i'm a afraid....and i run away. i run away from every guy i start to like. every single one of them. and of course....i have no one else to blame but myself for my heartache.

now tell me...what is love?

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 1 June :: 9.31 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN STUDY FOR FINALS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ESPECIALLY FOR THAT DAMN CLASS, AMERICAN LIT HONORS YUCK!)

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:: 2004 1 June :: 1.25 am
:: Mood: umprepared

I Hate Men
Well...yeah that too...i do hate men....but that's not the only thing i hate. i hate guys, boys, and finals.

i know what i'm doing differently next year.

woo.

blah.

yeah.

i can't stand this anymore...you know what i want to do? i want to write. but i'll spend weeks and weeks on just 15 lines or something...so it actually sounds good. Actually has some meaning rather than just random words.

i'll go do that...cuz i honestly don't think that i'll be able to fall asleep right away.

Goodnight.
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 31 May :: 7.22 pm
:: Mood: crushed

daddy played piano (well not my father)
i don't like this. well the song's good....but taht's not what i was talking about. i'm so.....well...i guess like waht my mood says...crushed. i don't think anyone really understands what i'm talking about....except maybe a couple people....but otherwise....i feel very dissatisfied with everything. i don't like being in the background but i am most of the time. at kei's party on saturday...i felt so out of place. it was cool tlaking to patrice...i really liked that...and i know she understands what i'm talking about when i say that i felt out of place. the same people who were there.....were just...there. it's hard to explain...but i don't know if i was ever friends with them. more like...they were people i used to hang out with. if i were to be asked to count the number of friends i have....i probably would only need one hand to count. i don't feel like i'm wanted in this place....i just kinda want to leave. and i'm not gonna tell myself to shut up...because that's how i really feel. i wanna get out of this place. leave. meet new people...."find" myself. i know it sounds incredibly stupid....but that's exactly how i feel...

i feel so let down. every where i turn...i come across disappointment. i'm sick of the daily gossip. i hate it. i don't want to have friends just to gossip...it gets old so quickly and so meaningless. yeah i find flaws in others and i critique them.....but who doesn't do just that? i'm my own worst critic and it's not cool. and i can't help but second guess everything people say to me. because what i hear is probably not what they're actually thinking of me. i just want someone to tell me "sandy, i don't like you when you do this...." "i hate you for this...." "i wish you would stop doing/saying this....." i want to hear these words...so badly....i want to hear them

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:: 2004 28 May :: 4.15 pm
:: Mood: impatient

easy finals day for me!!!
Here's my list of finals:
Friday (today):
-Dance 1
-Intro to Theatre
-Band
Tuesday:
-Spanish 3 honors
-NOTHING!!!!
-Chemistry
Wednesday:
-Trig Honors
-American Lit Honors

So looking at that schedule of mine...today was an extremely hard...hardest finals day ever ::rolls eyes:: it was so insanely easy and I loved it!!! Every finals day should consist of extremely easy classes...i love it.

We're going on our win-a-date tonight. I'm waiting for Goli to pick me up...she's not here yet and I'm a little worried. But then again there's still 14 mins left. I'm being too antsy. I wish I had a car. But I don't wanna show up at Hawthorn Lanes by myself...it'll be too awkward. So we're supposed to go bowling then go out for dinner. Um....yeah. I don't really know details....except we're going to Hawthorn Lanes. What's for food? I guess I'll find out later tonight.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 25 May :: 9.07 pm

haha so i've been added. cool. i guess andy didn't figure out how to delete all the names until he got my money or soemthing.....awesome. so i still have my journal. pretty sweet.

i haven't posted any entries in livejournal yet.....so i guess it's all good now :-)

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:: 2004 22 May :: 5.23 pm

last entry in woohu
well my money didn't get in on time.....sooo....no more woohu-ing for me. so sad. :'-(

so i created a new journal for all you journal lovers...visit me there ok? wonderous! here's the link:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/sandatthebeach/

well at least that's the site....i don't know how to make it into a link...yeah i'm not very good with this....so....there it is. visit me there!

i still need to customize it so it doesn't look boring. alrighty...

love ya all and toodles! hehe

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 20 May :: 10.54 pm

if my money doesn't get in on time....then i will link you guys to another journal.

well i guess i'll just give you guys a different link maybe tomorrow or something. so in case this one gets deleted....you can still read about my complaints (hah).

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 20 May :: 6.05 pm

oh crap
i didn't send in my money yet. it's 4:50 now....the mail's already gone...shit. do you think it will get there by saturday if i sent it in tomorrow? probably not...right? since it's in michigan? damn. i kinda liked having this journal. oh well. if the money doesn't get in my saturday.....then goodbye to everyone. cuz my username will be deleted if it doesn't get in. ::sigh::

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 16 May :: 2.56 pm
:: Music: currently opening of chicago (they're playing through all the dance music right now)

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