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darksworddancer

:: 2008 4 December :: 1.20am

Issues
I have jealousy issues.

really bad ones. and that scares me.

like...that was bad. it was so insignificant and i wanted to yell at him for it. THATS SO BAD. omg

give your insight


darksworddancer

:: 2008 2 December :: 3.05am
:: Music: That Girl- Lindsay Lohan

Stages
Stage 1: I don't like my body.
Plan 1: Deal with it.- Epic Fail

Stage 2: They don't like my body.
Plan 2: They suck and don't m,atter- WRONG

Stage 3: My body holds me back from doing what I want.
Plan 3:Condition it to deal. Not so much a fail but not quite a sucess.

Stage 4: My body imprisons me and i hate it.
Plan 4. Learn to love yourself and the world will follow. EPIC FAIL and you need to get help.

Stage 5: My body is a prison with no doors or windows. (Current)
Plan 5: BUST A FUCKING HOLE IN THE WALL. - Amazingly enough i will make this one work.


My body is something i've battled for many a year and this time i will win against myself. Even if it kills me i will lose my weight.

give your insight


darksworddancer

:: 2008 21 November :: 3.27pm

count down
Ha...i keep comming back here...waiting for someone to have read the last entry..and to leave me. cause i am self destructive right now....go figure.

1 opinion | give your insight


darksworddancer

:: 2008 10 October :: 11.58am

Worst 50 in of my life
We talked about jainism in rels class today- they believe the fatter you are the more karma you have and you will go to hell- some girl said my name behind me and grjsafshfnj. bitch and i couldnt leave- i could barely breat for christs sake- omg piss me off and make me want to cry- my proffessor wouldnt even look at me while she was talking about it -akward FUCKING AKWARD thanks so much as if i didnt need that to be my day- im so pissed holy hell im done with it shut the fuck up and get over it- that dumm girl behind me- on fire right now.

I thought i was over that but apparently not.

give your insight


darksworddancer

:: 2008 5 October :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Congratulations-Blue October

My heart
So life has changed...and its strange....i went and read some past entries in jessika's and nick's journal...it was like a blast frm te past.

My only thoughts right now are the tones playing from my laptop, bombarding m with unknown emotions and unanswerd questions....i doubt with of them ever read this but i want to tell them both something: you are so easy to be friends with and i thank you for that.

Thats all that needs to be said i think. College has really changed me, and i have come to see the light in somethings. I have developed amazing relationships with the people around me, and others have crumbled to ruin...some even to dust. SOME still stand strong and bright.

Everything is OK. I'm no longer the angry little girl from previous entries. I still feed off of peoples emotions but in a different way now, i still have crazy and vivid dreams but im not the girl trapped on the glowing screen anymore.

I am on the path to myself and thats all i ever really needed i think. I didnt need a boy. I didnt need a lack of chaos.

I just needed to be happy with myself and most days i am now. 19 years old now, quickly approaching 20, in college, financily unstable still. I love to shop to much.

I keep a book of thoughts now. Its my life saver actually.

Hmm how much can change? everthing and nothing.

give your insight


littledamion

:: 2008 30 March :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Goldfrapp *Eat yourself

Zoom zoom zoom
So we've zoomed to the future.

Gosh, I've changed. Not so bitchy and volatile and rambly, I think. I hope.

I just won the Gates Millennium Scholarship. I've been accepted into Saint Mary's of Moraga, Boston University, Boston College, and I'm waiting on Tufts and Harvard.

Things have really changed. I want to lock up this journal, but Woohu doesn't make that easy. I remember when Woohu almost shut down, they offered to print your journal and send you it... that would be nice right now. I want to remember how I've changed, but I don't want these entries to haunt me if and when people I know stumble upon them.

UPDATE: I just went back and turned about a hundred or so entries to "Friends Only"

give your insight


darksworddancer

:: 2007 18 February :: 10.27pm

want
So i decided to post this everywhere so if i ever print it off i will be able to find it....

Looking back at my life i finally started to realize what things ment and where they sat...heh...it only took 12-1 year to figure them out ey?

So all the way back into elementry days:

One day in the fourth grade i got a D in some class and got my TV taken away. That day i decided to focus more on school then looks. I remember conciously thinking that, that one was more importanat then the other...yeah..

Another fatefull day of the fourth grade I played Jurassic Park with Nick on the Metal Truck at Sunnyside, and then two days later Sailor Moon with Christie, Misty and a gaggle of other kids.

That was the year i fought we Leandra Walkingchild alll the time.

That same year i became a Peer Mediator, voted on by the class and supported by Kayla Posey, strange huh? Thats then only class elected office i will ever get in my life.

Daras mom died that year i think, i remeber thinking and asking about her when we were making the baskets for mothers day.

Dara and i made plans to go to Harvard together and share a dorm cause we were never going to part, life had other plans.

During that year i also went and read to my little brothers kindergarden class. I was and will be forever known as his big sister.

I dont remeber much from the rest of the year.

I remember in the 5th Grade:

At graduation this kid Conner was giving my little brother crud and i yelled at him.

Also Ashley Ashcraft came and drank soda with us, i never felt like i fit in but thats cool, i had more adventures then i can count.

Fifth grade was the year that i had Mr.Weir, he let us turn the class room into a rainforest and i taped rolled up peices of paper to the floor...

The sixth grade, wow thats a year for ya:

Mr.Smith, the best English teacher i think i will ever have.

I would race James Rusinski to class every day.

Wow, i also told Coyne Wiggins i had a crush on him, in the G wing, next the doors, i remeber cause it was really bright when i told him.

Worked my ass off in Vollyball on the B team...A team only stood for assholes...:)
I was a shark.

In the 7th grade Mrs.Corera showed me a free camp that i could apply for. I made it in and the rest is history.

I think this is also when i got really into dancing, i went to every dance. I loved it cause when i was dancing i wasnt me i was anyone else.

I had C lunch...it was weird but that started the roots of the clan.

I think thats when the movie partys started too... i cant remeber!!!!!

Edd Battleson and Charlie Manning hated me then.

Eighth grade:

Mrs.Thomas stopped me one day on the way out of her classroom to ask me to join the Science Olympiad team.

The fateful day i wore pink and the Twin Towers fell.

Pissing Magie off for the first time ever, im still really good at it.

Mrs.Nelsons son's accident.

Making the eights grade graduation poster and then watching "our leaders" try and take credit for it, look in the photo kids i got my hands on that poster.

Spending 1/2 of my year in the counselors office doing peer mediations.

The Hawaii trip:

Being truly amazed at nature for the first time in a long time.

Seeing my first cruise ship, it was hooge.

Getting lost between sushi and the hotel.

Kalacakua Bay

Forevering being cursed with clumsieness.

Waking up with Brice leaning on me, mouth wide and snoring...-_-

9th grade:

Being upped to Concert Orchestra my first year.

A science class with Roxanne

Being the only girl in my Intro to Tech.

"This never happened" and " You dont remember this" becomming part of my daily routeen.

Smoking my peers at swimming.

Mikki and the package that came with that.

10th Grade

Astronomy Club

Becomming a Junior Counselor

Housing the Edler sisters

Slicing my finger open to see when a knife felt like...(to this day there are still diagnol rivits in my fingers) I was prepping for suicide cause life was soooooo horrible. Drama queen.

Telling Ryan R. that i had a crush on him, i almost died.

Having to deal with the crazy chick in my art class and gym class

11th grade:
Kittpeak Trip

Orlando and NASA

Science Fairs

Spitzer Trip

Boston trip

The biology trip

A teacher finally saying something to Maggie about her insults...thankyou Mr. Deffe

Getting 2 Honorable Mentions on the math Competition and getting my dress taylored with Jessika there!

Football games

Dancing

REalizing that nothing was the same at 8th grade.

Drownding and streatching myself too thin.


12th grade

Camping

Philidelphia

San Diego

Vegas

Starting the Youth Council for Montana

Getting into photography alot...omg

Two words Carmal Macciato

Capuccino Boy

Alan and Jessika and Tyler...that was a fun night.

Warm summer nights

Waking up with the word assport on my face...-_-...i should not write on my hands...

Really wondering what was going to happen when i didnt have my safety net

And really wondering what i was gonna be like without all of the stimpulations i already have.

How was it going to be without all of the great and bad things of high school




There is so much more but my brain is dieing....and some of it im not really to typre down and marr the world with it forever. : )...yeah



give your insight


jessika

:: 2006 2 August :: 11.29pm
:: Mood: ill
:: Music: AFI

Wow
I completely forgot about Woohu until Alex mentioned it a minute ago. Holy shit it has been a while. I feel very ill and tired, but I can not sleep. It is a sort of too-tired-to-sleep sort of thing.



I <3333 AFI. They are amazing.

give your insight


jessika

:: 2006 10 May :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Defying Gravity - Wicked

Yay! AFI!
If you do not know who they are, you should totally find out quick. Buy their new album, coming out 6/6/06! Possible the most anticipated album this year!


2 opinions | give your insight


littledamion

:: 2006 21 January :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Beyonce *Yes

It goes on.
Life goes well.

How about yours, old friends?

:]

2 opinions | give your insight


darksworddancer

:: 2006 8 January :: 12.07pm

Omg...i havnt been on here in years....ok...maybe a few months....

Me and roxy are fighting...go figure...slowly building up anger is bad...so not much has changed...nick is ignoring the fact he has friends at GFH....we all saw it comming...and im just denying it...it seems my tri-pod of stability with friends is missing 2 legs....*falls over*...it seems the pictures are going to be a little bit skewed for a while folks....tis my life.....

Mr.Garpstead committed suicide....it was in octobeer i think....i still trying to deal...

He did it right after the yellowstone trip....whjich wqas fun but ended on a gargling note.

So i had a crush on Ian...roxy started to date him....so i stoped having a crush...then made a fake crush on Miles...bad idea...

Im working at target now....its cool...i work with this girl miria...shes fun....together we have the attention span of a decrepid squirrel....ha...

Slightly depressed...Rochelle and Jessika forgot and left the show with out me...and Roxy forgot about me at New Years Eve....she was with david her new love intrest...thats when the fight started...im so mad at her...eh

Seth and Chrisite are dating...its cute....Its the year 2006....and right now my life that i loved so much seems to be circleing the toilet...

Im taking belly dance...its fun....eh...there is alot to say and most of it is lost in the periods like this.... yeah..i dont kno0w what more to say, im depressed and lkosing alot of things except my weight...great...well...im done...im gonna try and update more so yep...I hgave a LJ and Myspace now...so im pretty buisy.

give your insight


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2005 17 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: accomplished

So tuesday....

So today...wednesday...i cleaned all day....yes exciting no?...look at this site:
http://www.spitzer.caltech.edu/Media/happenings/20050816/ Im famous....mwhhahhahahaha...heeee...and my life's story is there...*shifty eyes*

Im experimenting with the tag thingy so bare with me...I go to take my permit test on friday!!!!!...yes...i know a bit late but hey...im cool with that

Thursday night is the StarBucks grand opening....yay!!!!...im prolly just gonna go with my mom on friday morning so yeah...

Tuesday....eh...lets just say im not going to change my plans to fit others plans...not if i need to do something....lets just say...angry rage radiating from michelle all day....grrrr....

I'm makin a scarf.....mwahhahaha..


give your insight


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2005 13 August :: 9.02pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Listen to your Heart

Hmmmmmmmm...
Ok so its been...3 days since ive updated....yeah...well...so Roxy came back friday afternoon....then i hung out with nick at the mall for an hour or so then we found roxanne and jessika...it was fun..1. I hadnt talked to Nick in forever 2. Our group was kinda there to hand and chill...twas fun! I bought some Gir shoe laces and a baby blue feather boa....lol..yep...it was fun...

So im hoping to call some peeps later and set up a gettogether on tuesday or thursday...prolly 12-4or5....Just go hang at Market place..i need to get some books...possibly clothes...yes...we can do lunch and the like...coffee....!!!!I plan to call people....O.o..o.Obe pre-pared!!!!!!!in the infinate words of scar...

So yep.....Roxy dreded Jessikas hair..and then they showed up at my house with Eric....*random person of the day*

Roxannes mom is kinda crazy.....she threw away stuff outta roxannes room....and roxy didnt get a chance to look at 1/2 of it....

My dad yelled at my brother and i for like 30 min about the garage key.....how he couldnt find it and how it was all our faults....i checked my room and the like...then thought it might be out in the garage...it was sitting in plain sight ontop of the BBQ.....so i yelled at him slightly and went to my room to practice my cello....damn blind parents....

Sam called my today *dazed and confused*...he was decent...but we got to talking about this next year....he called my a hopless romantic...mainly cause i started singing " someday my prince will come!"....it was kinda weird...just cause he had been such an ass....* insert un-haa..+ sigh faces* boys...(i miss ryan)...:(...lol


But then love falls apart,
And a little peice of heaven,
Turns to dust.

http://members.rogers.com/lim.jennifer/green.jpg
In your eyes, people see life... You see yourself
as just an average person! You enjoy life, love
wildlife, but also enjoy time with those who
know you best. You like to get outdoors and let
your mind wander over all of the mysteries god
gave to you. You don't really have a certain
sanctuary because you're so well-rounded, but
you like having fun and adventures, but can
also be found sitting quietly about, reading a
book. You have a pretty good life ahead of you,
never trade it for anything else :)


What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fire element
Your element is Fire. Like fire, you have a hot
temper and you can be warm and loving as well
and angry and wild. It all really comes down to
what you are feeling. You have a lot of close
friends who you are very protective over, and
with your temper probably some enemies too. You
are not Miss/Mr Popular in school since you are
your own person and don't want to be forced
into behaving this or that way. You are the
untamed wild horse, the kind that everyone
wants to catch. But you don't want to be tied
down for the moment and just keep going with
your little crushes. Your will is strong and if
you set your mind to do something, you will
most likely succeed. But beware, your friends
may not always accept your mood-swinging
behaviour. Even if you don't mean to be mean,
they can still feel hurt. You just need to
start thinking some things through before you
do them, and not always jump in with so much
courage. One day you may be hurt because of
that, but then again, your element isn't fire
if you start to analyse situations before you
act. After all, your nature is to shoot first
and ask the questions later. Rate and message!


What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla

give your insight


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2005 29 July :: 9.25pm

Im back for two days….

Cali was a load of fun…we worked at the spitzer most of the time. There was a girl Carolyn, she helped us work with the Unix program…she had a British accent. .lol it was awesome…we also worked with Debra, the coordinator…she was Lebanese …and we worked with Howard Chun , he was from Japanese and we worked with Sheila and Don who were both German…accents galore!!! It was great! They want us to go to Washington D.C to present the stuff we worked on ( Cataclysmic Variable stars with mass donors using IRAC)and possibly think up a symposium to get more kids involved in the space program…example: working the with Spitzer Space Telescope to look at and figure the chemical make up of a star…yeah if any of you are interested e-mail me. But neways….we went to Venice beach and I got some awesome clothing..and we went to call tech and I got a tee…it was fun.

Eh…my mom…*smacks her*…grrr…sure ill take you shopping…op..never mind..you are just leaving Sunday morning and don’t have enough shirts that meet the dress code…oh no..ill just watch my shows and plan to go canoeing tomarrow and leave you two hours to pack frantically cause you cant wash your clothing until tomarrow….ARG shes so…grrrrr…

* Sigh *

damn windows program….oh hey I can only go to the fair on the 4 ,5 or 6…soo…who else wants to come with me? * bats eyelashes * please!!!!!!


MY SONG TODAY

Fefe Dobson

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Kiss me fool, if you care
If your words have any meaning.
Playing it cool is so unfair
Why this veil of secrecy?
God forbid, your friends found out what we did
Why can't someone like you be someone like me?

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Touch me fool, if your allowed.
I'll be dancing in the corner
It's so cruel to play it proud, take your hands and cover me.
I'm aware that all in love is fair, but that's no reason to make me feel this way.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

And it hurts me so bad to deny it, oooh
These feelings are out of control.
Do you know what it's like to want something so bad...
And then having to let it go?
And it hurts me to know that this time in our lives...
So soon will be in the past
And you spend it pretending your playing it cool.
Never knowing,
Never knowing,
Never knowing what,
Never knowing what we should've been.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
You've got me wondering if I'm good enough.
Pretty enough, giving enough, special enough

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me.........?

(rock music...oh yeah)

give your insight


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2005 22 July :: 10.11pm
:: Music: Moon Baby-Godsmack

wagajkfehwv
well...
So...life.....arg...

Why is it so hard to express emotions and thoughts in sequences of letters and words that people can understand....?

Ok...latley my jaw has been really bugging me....i have an underbite due to the over-growth of my jaw and it ...ok so if i chew like gum or gummy like things my jaw muscles tighten and cramp up..it hurts...so for like 5 min i have to sit and streatch my jaw back so its not all locked up. Also i realized that my face is also messed up from it...since my jaw protrudes further then my skull does it ccauses my lower lip to jut out slightly more then my upper...and my teeth are severly spaced...eh....and my teeth effect the way i eat...i cant properly break things with my teeth...eh....i just wanna be fixed...

Im almost half-way through Harry Potter and the Half Blood prince...i like it sofar...

My sister gave me a call lastnight and asked me if i was willing to clean her dishes and fold laundry for her for like 20 dollars.so i agree...i mean im in a nervous mood so i enjoy cleaning...so i walk in...and look at her sink...her dishes growled at me......*scared O.o look* ....i was so scared...and her laundry was eating her appartment...lol...i vacumed as well...it wasnt to bad just really time consuming...lol

I leave for Cali on sunday morning.....eh...roxy and i were going to try and do something tonight but dad decided that i couldnt...apparently it better if i have only 12pm to3 am instead of a full 24 hours....grrrr...roxanne and ill prolly wont get to see eachother for 3 weeks...eh...frustration...

Weird dreams...

Our group went to a movie and i couldnt stop laughing and seriously almost died of laughter...(i woke up and my face was in my pillow....)and everyone was staring at me....eh...then everyone put their faces within bitting distance of mine...eh....too close...too close!!!!!!

So ill try to update tomarrow...before i leave...

give your insight

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