SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 13 August :: 9.35pm
:: Music: 93rock online
updates with no time context
Coming home from the mall with three bags of clothes from really cool sales has some kind of satisfying feeling.
2 hours at the DMV. She's still not ready to drive. Barely 20 hours, no night driving, she just isn't ready. But she can now, legally.
Peter Jennings died. He was...amazing. He had such brilliant common sense and was curious about everyting. People who never watched him won't understand... But he was the one who got me hooked on knowing the news, interested in knowing what was going on in the world.
Re-learned a word: vitriol
vit·ri·ol Audio pronunciation of "vitriol" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (vtr-l, -l)
n.
1. See sulfuric acid.
2. Any of various sulfates of metals, such as ferrous sulfate, zinc sulfate, or copper sulfate.
2. Bitterly abusive feeling or expression.
Krystle got an intersting new feature from her travel...
She's full of life and energy, it was awesome to see her.
Yay for a bracelet of red and blue!
Issues with the church. I dunno.
Amanda left. The firstest. I feel close to spinning off in a rage of insanity. o.0 Just really hard to handle. Things feel like they're unraveling. I know who can help me and give me some stability....but I feel like if I go to them every time I start to feel like this (which has and will be often) they'll be sick of me and then I'll just become a bother until I get shut out completely.
Jen and Andy and Denver have come back. The people online. They've been gone for quite a number of months. I don't rely on them like I used to. But it's nice to have them back.
Jen's return has prompted a restart of our rp. It's been 2 years or so since I've role-played and goodness have I missed it. But boy I'm rusty. Fun though.
Mom really screwed up the muscles in her neck and arm. They've always been messed up but she did some gardening thing and now it's like it's broken, she can't move it or do anything. Causes some problems for me. Like those 2 hours. It's fine....but bleh.
Really starting to freak out about not having classes. I don't know what I should do..set them up, look over all of them, eh.
Gainesville - 25th.
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 6 August :: 11.32pm
Subject Grade
2005 MAY ENGLISH A1 HL 5
2005 MAY SPANISH B SL 4
2005 MAY HIST.AMERICAS HL in ENGLISH 5
2005 MAY HISTORY EE in ENGLISH D
2005 MAY CHEMISTRY HL in ENGLISH 4
2005 MAY MATH.METHODS SL in ENGLISH 5
2005 MAY MUSIC GR.PERF SL in ENGLISH 6
2005 MAY THEORY KNOWL. TK in ENGLISH C
Additional/Extra subjects
None
EE/TOK points: 0
Total points: 29
Results: Diploma awarded
Meh.
Yayness.
1 love |
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 1 August :: 3.20pm
I've been incredibly depressed lately. Well, technically it would alternate or fluctuate....but I would just crumble and feel numb and cold and alone and upset. It's been really hard to deal with. And this isn't something I typically write here, is it? Oh well.
I finally talked to someone when I hit a really deep pit and I had things planned to say..to try and explain what I was feeling since I had no idea why I was breaking down andhoped they could help me figure out why...but I couldn't even put that stuff together to say (yeah, phones rock my socks, love 'em). Just crying and I didn't even know if I should be bothering them with what was wrong, if it was right to talk to them about how I was feeling and force it on them and whatever. But I figured it wasn't every time...just this really hard hit that I couldn't seem to get over.
And they seemed to know what was wrong. I guess they're right...it seems to fit.
Scared about the change.
I really really can't handle it.
College and moving and people leaving and starting over.
The change. All of it.
And I'm just freaking out and breaking down and I feel nothing. It's like I'm hollow. And it's scary. And I don't know how to talk to people about it, or if it's something I talk to people about, or if it's fair for them to deal with since it's a constant for me and if they help me once, I'll end up going to them more often and then I'll never let them alone.
But I dunno. I guess this is my attempt at trying to write something good about feelings and change and the future.
I'm scared. And it's making these last few weeks really really difficult.
1 love |
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seraphimrhapsody
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2005 28 July :: 7.09pm
:: Mood: anxious
dedicated to band...what can I say?
This is called me REALLY not wanting to do work:
Read more..
179 out of 500? BWAHAHA!!!
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 13 July :: 3.26pm
flower in the vase and almost missed mom's birthday and my phone still has no screen
=osagelady has added Street Fiddler to their favourites. Jul 9, 2005, 12:17 PM
^______________^
My first favorite! YAY!
I need to add more to DA....hmm...
been cleaning and gathering stuff
and seeing doctors and appointments and things
not cool stuff
I, Robot is a rocking movie
and Coldstones is evil for taking away cake batter icecream
thereby taking away Birthday Cake Remix
thereby stealing my comfort food away
:(
it was better than popcorn for a while
I really need to give all these gifts out...
they accumulate with all the holidays and birthdays that I forget to give them out on.....oops
Dad and Katie come home...Sunday? sometime
Mom's been driving me insane
very not happy I didn't get my time alone
suddenly extremely looking forward to college
meep
With love...
~*~
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 3 July :: 3.14pm
src="http://www.one.org/media/banners/ONE_banners001_468_88.gif"
width="468" height="88" border="0">
Go here. And give 5 minutes. Watch the trailer, it's really good.
And then I question myself. And question the world.
Damn. I'm so lost.
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Silvos
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2005 27 June :: 5.45pm
1. I'm in the process of deleting all old entries because I can no longer read the comments.
2. This journal will be [Private]. So only the people who know the password will be able to read. (Andy too, I'm guessing...)
3. I'll change the "layout" when I feel I can stand looking at code again.
Edit:
4. There are some old entries I will keep because they're just too damned good.
3 lovers |
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 26 June :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: reflective
:: Music: Andy, You're a Star ~The Killers
someday.....someday has come
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
I've been trying to figure out the name of that book forever!! I miss that book. Do you remember it? It defined my young schoolar years.
Yes, I finally found her again. Both of them. They were my best friends. If I've ever been asked who my best friends are, I'll still name them. (Take no offense, I don't like the labels so I don't narrow down any of my friends into that category. Just them.) I haven't seen them in.....10 years. 10. A whole decade.
And she was still ecstatic to hear from me. Ecstatic to see me. It's a good thing she's more decisive than I am. Yesterday after she sang for church I met her. I was walking toward Rotelli's on Atlantic to meet her I hit one intersection and BAM there's this girl walking down toward me. Something made me stop, but I didn't know, I wasn't sure. I was dumbfounded. She kept repeating "Kristen?" you know, to be sure it was me but it took me a good couple seconds to return to reality.
She looked different. But she was still Caroline.
It was weird....sitting in that restaurant talking to her. Every now and then we'd both stop and one of us would say how strange it was. But I loved it. I've not been that happy in so long.
Ever since I left I've wanted to see them again. Every year I'd plan to find them. Plan to hunt them down and reconnect with them. But I never did. I always doubted if they remembered me. If they would want to see me again.
It was second grade when I left. I always wondered if they'd ask why. She did. I hate why. I don't understand why. I've always regretted why. It haunts me.
We had a few awkward moments, but we found things to talk about. After dinner and icecream we hooked up with 2 of her friends from church. They were nice but I was at a bit of a disadvantage. We all sat on the stage and chatted. It was relaxing. But I couldn't help looking over at her still being stunned that it was really her.
I still can't believe it.
And when she gets back from Europe, I'll finally see Meerali again. I've missed her so much.
You never forget that very first friend. The very first best friend.
DID YOU KNOW ATLANTIC AVENUE HAS A COLDSTONES NOW?!?!!?!
This was major crucial news to me! I had no idea! So close.....so very close...
It's a perfect location too, corner of Atlantic and Swinton. Crazy.
There's this one person...one person. You know those people who make a mark on your life? And you for some reason have this very strange bond? Like it's someone you know you can talk to about anything and everything. But this one, I would never have figured we would have that connection. He's got to be one of my most randomest friends. But we do. He played a key part through a number of times in my high school life.
And for me, these people that mean so much to me, I feel the urge to say something to them. One phrase. One meaningful phrase. But's a very very very personal extremely meaningful phrase for me. And incredibly risky. If they don't follow through with it, everything will be destroyed. There's been a number of people who I can't imagine not having around, not being close to, but there has only been one time when I got myself to say it. Say it and mean it. Say it and mean it and hope.
I was so sure he'd stop. So sure he'd drift away, let time pass, let go.
But he's here. Why is he still here? I don't know if he has any idea how much it means to me when he IMs me out of the blue. Even when there's nothing to talk about. He's always there for me. Always online, always will respond when he can. I can ask him anything about anything. And I'm positive about that. Completely content about that. Anything of his personal life, his past, his family, his experiences, his knowledge. I don't know why he's so willing to be so open with me. I don't know why there's this bond. All of a sudden he could see inside me. He could see all of my secrets and all of my lies and all of my pain. And stayed there.
I asked him. I told him. "You can't ever leave me. Please, don't ever leave me."
Who wouldn't get scared of that and run? Who would understand the meaning behind that?
Who can guess at the points of facing death beneath that? The levels of leaving? The need for his stability in order to support my own.
Sometimes I can't even fathom it all.
But I am always thankful for him staying with me.
"What you're feeling is premature enlightenment. This is the greatest moment of your life and you're off somewhere, missing it. Our fathers were our models for God. And, if our fathers bailed, what does that tell us about God? Listen to me. You have to consider the possibility that God doesn't like you, he never wanted you.In all probability, He hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen... We don't need him.. Fuck damnation. Fuck redemption. We are God's unwanted children, with no special place and no special attention, and so be it. You can go to the sink and run water over your hand. Look at me. Or you can use vinegar to neutralize the burn, but first you have to give up. First, you have to know that someday, you are going to die.Until you know that, you will be useless. Congratulations. You're a step closer to hitting bottom."
Hooray for reaching the bottom. Let's plan a party.
2 lovers |
just breathe
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seraphimrhapsody
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2005 21 June :: 5.50pm
:: Mood: distraught
do all children go to heaven?
one of my kids died
he was 9 years old
what's the point of this?
atrocities like this should not exist
children should not die
no child should die
what did they have?
they were of the poor
they were of the pure
they were just children
it's not like they knew the true wrongs of the world
it's not like they're families didn't yell at them or beat them or force them into work as soon as possible
it's not like that was the only option to continue living
but he didn't continue living did he?
no.
he died.
and he was doing so well...he could've done so much better...
underneath his facade he was a sweet kid
he was a kid
just like all of them
and he died.
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 20 June :: 3.22pm
ultimatum
I like waking up to your yelling at me.
I like being told how worthless I am.
I like being told that my problems are my own fault and that I should deal with them.
I like being told that I have no point in calling.
I like being told that I shouldn't call when I have no reason.
I like being harrassed and cursed out just because you I was randomly chosen.
I like being yelled at as soon as you come home.
I like that the only words said to me are yelled.
I like being at fault for everything.
I like feeling lower than a dog.
Please, please continue yelling at me. Oh please, it makes the day so much brighter.
You see that sun? Look how brightly it shines! NoNO! Those aren't clouds. There's no rain. That sound? That's the birds chirping! Sure, sounds like a boom to you...but that's just the mockingbirds immitating.
Look at that beautiful day. Who wouldn't want to get up and enjoy that day?
Who says I have no reason?
Maybe I have something I want to need to say but can't? Can't get myself to say. What then? Maybe it's something important like I'm going to die. But you tell me not to keep calling. Fine then. I'll die without you.
Maybe I wasn't randomly chosen. Maybe someone still has it out for me. Maybe they're bringing back some old huge blow out thing. Doesn't matter, they brought it back from my memories for me anyway.
A dog. I feel beneath my puppy because I'm told I couldn't care for him. I couldn't take care of him.
STOP THREATENING THAT YOU WON'T GO ON THAT TRIP!!!
YOU WILL GO DAMMIT! Or I won't live here while you're here.
I will not be in this house with her alone. No dammit. I'll get a hotel room for all I care. Leave me the hell alone.
Please, please continue gutting me. I think the slaughterhouse appreciates the favor.
Please, please continue that underminding. I think the research programs will appreciate the experiments they can perform later.
Please, please continue.
2 lovers |
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 17 June :: 9.50pm
Tonight was such a weird night.
We all ate dinner. At the same time. At the same table.
And it was actual dinner.
We had fish, lentil soup, peppers, grapes. That's right! Meat, vegetables, fruit, and water! Covered food groups I hardly ever hit (except fruits...those are yummy).
It was so weird. But pleasant.
I can't talk about college. I tried researching classes. Mom's talked to me about it. Any of it. I get all upset and start yelling to vent anger that I have no idea exists. I don't know why. I don't get it.
I found Caroline on facebook. Caroline! And she remembers me. She sent the note first. Good thing?
a vague urge to write.....vague
nothing at all! I'm doing nothing! I really want to see a movie....but no one was available. I feel so....blah. I do nothing. I hate this feeling.
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 11 June :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: giddy
plansplansplans
since I don't plan many get togethers....I figured I'd make a list?
and since we keep coming up with things to do and then forget them again..I figured this'd be appropriate.....
THINGS TO DO DURING THE SUMMER!!!
80's movies party!
Beach party
oh those summer movies..
chick flicks in dresses!
strip club! miami guys..
cooking...cook our own food party! lol
plaster playhouse
twisters? cats? gymnastics place
park party!
vererans, sugarsand, ?
I wanna go horseback-riding!
Toys-R-Us playday
burnburnfireday
bonfire! we need to burn that school work...
ADD MORE!!
1 love |
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 9 June :: 10.51pm
http://www.thephantom.org/gallery/index.php?cat=6
some pretty sweet Phantom avs!!
some of the better ones are towards the end....
2 lovers |
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seraphimrhapsody
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2005 7 June :: 10.53pm
I believe- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe- that you can keep going long after you can't.
I believe- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I believe- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I believe- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe- That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.
I just did.
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 6 June :: 10.57pm
^___________^
~happiness is...~
happiness is a package on your doorstep.
happiness is nuzzling a sosoft against your nose.
happiness is remembering a song after ten years.
happiness is finding a childhood pony.
happiness is letting a flutter fly again.
happiness is brushing a mane.
happiness is finishing a custom.
happiness is finishing the thirtieth braid in your pony's hair.
happiness is reuniting twins.
happiness is finishing a set.
happiness is a pony room.
happiness is a pony with ribbons in her hair.
happiness is reuniting a princess with her bushwoolie.
happiness is finding out that there's more than one dragon in Ponyland.
happiness is making a dirty pony clean again.
happiness is choosing your pony name.
happiness is drinking cocoa on a cold winter's day.
happiness is believing in magic.
happiness is a pony dream.
happiness is reuniting a mother with her baby.
happiness is someone to share it with.
1 love |
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 6 June :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: amused
dunadunadunaduna..BATMAN!
Kristen is a piggy!
I made icing today for my cupcakes since I figured I wasn't ever gonna get to the store to buy some. It's the reeeeaaaaally addicting icing with vanilla flavoring. So yummy! Thusly I've been eating a lot. ^.~
Hmm...what else is new. Finally joined facebook! It's pretty cool. And yeah, soon I assume I'll join the mob of people tackling other people to join.
So far I've been poked to join (beforehand and by those who didn't know) by: Leah (she won!), Amanda, Lauren, Tom, and Sam
I need to find a picture now...
This week is the doctor visit week. Today I had to get up eeeaaaarly and went to the eye doctor. Went better than usual, my eyesight is only a fraction worse and the bumps that've been under my eyelids for years have mildly improved.
Finally asked what my eyesight was against the '20/20' scale.
She said mine is less than 20/400.
Legally blind without correctional help - been that way for a while.
I can't even see the big E. ^^""
It's pretty sad and rather disheartening. Good times.
Tomorrow I get to go to the dermatologist. My skin's been...better.....but eh.
Wednesday is a shot. Ow. :'(
AND Mom told me that the way the allergy shots are setup wasn't how dad and I had thought....that was just how it fit in with school. Actually I can go any day of the week, they just close earlier on Monday and Wednesday. Isn't that great? Now there's no reason for me not to get 6 shots a week! Yay! *dies*
I hear Madagascar is a cool movie. There are so many on my list now. Hmm, I need to see Hitchhiker's Guide still. And Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And War of the Worlds.
I saw The Longest Yard. The funniest movie in a long while! Definitely a good one to see.
With love..
~*~
2 lovers |
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 4 June :: 11.17am
:: Music: Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
this is the story of a girl
and I cried myself to sleep
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 31 May :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Be Yourself ~Audioslave
tobeyourselfisallthatyoucando
First week of no school. And I went to school. Took Katie so she could help the teachers pack. And I passed around the thank you cards.
I'm enjoying my summer. Not as eventful as I'd like, but the rest is amazing. And the lack of stress. However I've been reminded of an aspect of summer I've forgotten over the year: the lack of food. I have breakfast. That's about it. Usually junk or such through the day and late at night to cover me. No lunch. No dinner. I was wondering today if my parents even ate something. I don't remember it becoming a fend-for-yourself you'll-never-know-if-there-was-food type evening.
At least I got myself a tub of Coldstone's icecream.
What else is new? Events I guess. I've been told it's because they think I'm hiding something? Who isn't? I'm glad people can see the pain and trouble involved in talking, can recognize the advancements made, can forgive for whateverthehelltransgression they're holding against. It gives me hope for the people in the world and the future of humankind to know that generosity and understanding are abound in the youth.
Tell me you've never hidden something from me. Tell me you've given me reason to trust you. Tell me I made a huge offense to you that is completely unforgivable. And then tell me what that offense is so I can finally comprehend why I'm being punished.
I really like The Killers. And Anberlin. I think they're my two favorite bands for the month.
with love
~*~
just breathe
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2005 19 May :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
I will. Believe me I will.
I'm bored. Neopets is down and I can't find something else to hold my attention. Hmm...maybe I'll go read...
Excpet that we left my book in the auditorium after the awards ceremony. -.-;; Oops. The Life of Pi. Good stuff.
I feel very senior-ish. It's scary. And weird. I came back on campus Tuesday and it was like I didn't belong. Which I didn't, and the soldiers at the gate didn't make it any friendlier, but still.
I walked around the campus like I owned it, which I did given the senior right. Every place I glanced at a memory hit me. I sat and talked with my teachers. Spent minutes just hanging out in places, no place to go. I sauntered down the halls after the bell had rung. I passed the APs without a care in the world. I hugged the nurses. I chatted with Ms. Kelly about her leaving with us.
I went back to the band room and just walked in, middle of class. I passed the snares with a smile and went for my basses. I fed them doughnuts, like I'd fed everyone else who crossed my path. I played Singles with them and gave them encouragements and said a prayer. I hung out with Cameron and Austin and helped them plan the stuff. They asked when I'd be back.
I looked around the campus....and felt like it was completed. I had learned what I was to learn. Accomplished pretty much everything I was supposed to accomplish. Witnessed. Experienced. Felt.
I guess you could call it closure. Not something I usually get.
With love...
~*~
2 lovers |
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2005 8 May :: 11.46pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: A Girl Worth Fighting For ~Mulan ~Disney
ladykiller
So tired.
No studying. None. Not matter?
Gotta learn history.
And find those english notes on those books....
I download about 130 Disney songs. ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY!! Crazy.
Realy hope they can't track me.
*relives Disney memories*
One more week...
One more week..
Youth Orchestra gave me 2 trophies! o.0 I feel kinda bad.
With love
~*~
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2005 2 May :: 10.48pm
:: Mood: hasn't hit me yet
:: Music: the new songs LimeWire gave me
we are who we are when
4/28 was the last test of my high school career. It was a Calculus Mock.
Today was the last day of high school. Last actual full day with meaningful classes and teachers and all the kids and all. I might go on Friday. But it just won't be the same.
It's really weird. Today was the last day I'll eat food from the cafeteria. The last time I'll eat at the top tier with the other seniors. The last percussion class with my boys. It's a mildly upsetting feeling to know that they're moving on without me.
Grad Nite was Friday. Bus with Anderson and the regulars. Kinda not happy. 5 hours up. Tough. Went around the park with Amanda, Lauren, Amalia, Anderson, Gabe, and Chris (don't ask). It was SO MUCH FUN! There was like no wait for the rides! We ran through the line set-up at Pirates of the Carribean. Skipped through the line set-up for Splash Mountain. We did Splash Mountain twice. The second time I even did it with one arm up! And both up for all the little ones! ALL! So proud. Took lots of pics at Small World and some illegal ones from Peter Pan. Haunted Mansion rocked my socks. Thunder Mountain broke right before we got on. Philharmagic was really cute. Singing along rocked.
There was just something uber cool about running through Magic Kingdom at 2 in the morning with your friends and a whole bunch of seniors listening to Yellowcard play live.
We met some kids from Mass. For some reason I thought this was just FL. Was pretty weird seeing kids who actually flew in for this. Crazy stuff. Bought a whole bunch of pins. Awesome Grad Nite pin!
5 hour drive back. KILLER. So much pain. -.-
3 hours sleep. Up for Ensemble Concert. Played all 3 ensembles...interesting improvs but the crowd loved it.
I feel.....so out of place. So awkward. So left-out. It's like middle school and I hate it. Like I don't fit in with anyone. They have nothing to write me. Nothing to say to me. I realize I haven't ever really been myself. I realize I don't even know what myself really is. I'm too afraid from past experiences and how people reacted then. And then I see the girls acting like how I used to then and....resent not being open anymore. But I was hurt so many times already...can you blame me? No one would even help me take my truck down the slope I was that despised. They looked down on me like I was diseased. Do you know what it's like to feel that way?
I realize that I can't go four years keeping ties with the same people. They're gone. I doubt they'll want to keep up with me.
Still hurts so much. And people think I don't care what others think about me. A curse. Curse me. Curse them. Die. And here I have to grow. Oh goodness, I forgot about going back to say hi to the nurses. I guess I will have to go Friday.
And still my yearbook is filled with messages I don't dare read. What does this mean?
Are they fake? I suppose so...but which? How many? Surely not all...
So many signs pointing noways and allways and upways and sideways. I don't know what to do or what to believe.
I hope the summer is as much hanging out and fun as I picture in my head. Parties every week? Times spent with all of them? Getting to know the most obscure peoples even a little better? But as the one signature said, "What does it matter? I leave in a few months anyway and it's not like I would've kept in touch anyway. I'll forget that they ever existed and then what does it matter? I won't keep in touch with any of the people from high school anyway."
Bittersweet? Pessimistic. All I ever predicted. Maybe.....is that why I can never open myself truthfully? To people I tried so hard to get close to? I still expected to leave them? Fear of abandonment?!? WTH. That can't be true.
*Le Sigh*
IB Exams start tomorrow. Start. Tomorrow. TOMORROW. TOMORROW!!!
*sigh* It hasn't hit me yet. Will it ever? Meh. I dunno. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Ah, I can only predict the relief I will feel when these are done.
Tomorrow is Calculus.
Crappy. Random burst of sharing emotion. Must be the 'late night' and stress from all the anticipating.
*continues to free-fall down the abyss and waits to feel the KER-SPLAT of the coolcoolbrimstone*
4 lovers |
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 26 April :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Until the Day I Die ~Story of the Year
rip my paper heart
Couldn't resist bringing this one back....it is almost over!
Which IB Book are you?
PHEW! I've gotten LimeWire since like...half a week. I already went through downloading all the good songs from all 18 of the NOW! Greatest Hits and just now finished surfing through a certain someone's journal because their musical taste is AWESOME! ^_______^
*happiness*
with love....
~*~
just breathe
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SeraphimRhapsody
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2005 21 April :: 12.39am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: "Holiday" ~Green Day
hominid evolution does not like lighter fluid!
Yeah, all right all right, you want an actual update?
Not much is going on.....Okay maybe everything is going on.
States was awesome! Can't believe Andrei and I forgot to have our show down!! We'll just have to have it next Monday at the final MAO meeting....MUAHAHAHAHA It can be the focal point. Poor Andrei... ^^
Senior Celebrations was kinda close to what I expected. Then again not close.. Everyone getting a gift was pretty cool, though the gifts could be a bit more equal...still becomes a game of luck and whatnot. The video was AWESOME! Absolutely loved it! Everyone did a wonderful job on it! Valmere and her crew did excellent on the picture collage as well, very happy with it. I loved seeing everyone dressed up all pretty! The dance was interesting....but eh, kinda fun. It was Danny's 18th birthday!
Okay, the stuff that's just me. I've been sick. Kinda weird sick. Not sick sick. Monday coming home from States I was kinda....not feeling too well. Figured it was just exhaustion from the four days. Kinda crashed Monday after school and went straight to bed. I was shacking and tossing and burning up but cold and just so ill... Tried to get up Tuesday but it just wasn't happening. Planned to go in for the chem test and....I just couldn't do it. I'd have little periods of feeling okay but then I'd just shake and it'd feel like, to quote, "my blood is hurting me." Like I'd be uber sensitive and ache-ing and pained. I decided to spend Tuesday sleeping and then running through some get-better-quick-methods so I could manage through Senior Celebrations. It was still pretty rough. Shaking through dinner. Dizzy and ill through the rest of it. Never seems to be enough water. Partways through last night it was *snap* all better. I actually slept nicely. Went through the morning and all that. But slowly through school I was just....eh. Was wondering if I'd get through the concert.
(Yeahyeah too much info...ah well...just saving up for the times I don't update.)
On that note: my solo couldn't be played because of the accompanist. She wasn't able to sight-read my piano part as well as match my changing tempos (which I change personally). Certainly no one would be able to do that in 2 run throughs. I was pretty not happy....but it was a relief. Still would've liked to play it at my last Percussion Concert. (And of course I didn't have the piece down perfectly which was also a reason for cancelling) AND! The piano was a full half step flat. Sounded so bad..
Otherwise, my ensemble went pretty poorly. One of the worst perfomances of it we've done. But at least we didn't fall apart.
just breathe
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2005 12 April :: 10.31pm
:: Mood: kinda weak feeling...need food
:: Music: "Fortune Faded" ~Red Hot Chili Peppers
irony in iron in blood
Got back from watching Akira.... It was nothing like what I'd heard or expected. It was pretty...intense. They liked the graphic scenes, but all done in olden-days style. It would have to be an impressive break-through from old customary anime into the new world. It was ranked number one for most influential/best created anime movie a few years ago. Not seen that survey since (no magazine) but yeah.
It was.....meh. Not my type. And not up to standards now. Character development was minimal if that. And the connections between characters and setting and plot were very vague and loose. It had some good parts in it and came really close to impressing me a few times. Then it got gory-violent. Yeah, I was given a warning on that, still felt the blood drain. Pretty sad if it does that for that kind of movie (as in old) but yeah.
So I finally did it though and can check that off my list and give the dvd back to Gabe. If I remember. :)
Meh.
just breathe
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2005 11 April :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: pissed
:: Music: "Hit the Floor" ~Linkin Park
turn around and go
I think sometimes, the youngest just doesn't get it.
They don't understand the sacrifices the older silblings and parents make.
They don't understand the world somehow doesn't cater to them.
They don't see that sometimes they have to step out of their little bubble of happy-world and pick up some slack.
I'm damn sick of sacrificing things so she can enjoy something. I'm tired of driving her places without a 'thank you' and then be called to do an out of the way drive for her, and her have no clue what an inconvenience it is. Not that I do those drives often or anything. Dad does. Often enough he's way out there with those kids and driving other kids home for her and she has no freaking clue how far things are.
And always gotten those damn things she wants. Doesn't matter the cost or place or means of purchasing. Whatever will make her happy.
And she can't freaking taper that damn attitude of hers. She is not the center of the world and I'm sorry if she's going through the same hell of school and people I went through but if I got yelled at like the piece of crap I supposedly am and put in my place, then sure as anything is going to get the same treatment. I will not take double standards and as evil and jerkish as it sounds, I told mom she better get the life screamed out of her. I will not put up with her inconsiderations ontop of that attitude. At least when I went through that attitude I had some consideration of other people.
Mph.
1 love |
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2005 10 April :: 1.00am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: randoms from the Random Playlist
shoot the butterflies
Figured out which dress I'm going to wear for prom today. It's bright blue and silver with a bodice and slightly poofie..It's fun.
And once again I can't write anything to update with.
I had this all in my head earlier. And then stuff happens.
The threads snap way too easily.
Can you miss something that never existed?
I guess it's just missing the bliss in what used to be ignorance.
just breathe
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2005 9 April :: 6.07pm
Thought this was hilarious:
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2005 28 March :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Ocean Avenue" ~Yellowcard
Duck! Duck! GOOSE!
An hour later then I aimed for starting my work. Stupid IB. The essay's in my head... I just don't want to type it all out. Sleep sounds nice though.
Timberlake is so going to take my papers. -.-
I found my binders! After days of freaking out and today searching the school, Mr. Will had them. GRRARGH. Thank goodness! *sigh*
I love second period. It's awesome to have a free class to sit and chill and do work and hang around and all. Even though I did spend most of this class doing computer work for Dr. Z. That's okay though. My music keeps me company. :)
Let's see... Yeah, today's the first day back after break. Yucky.
MAO States is in two and a half weeks.
Prom is the week or two after.
ICC picnic rescheduled for the day after prom.
Some more good events coming too I think...
Senior Celebrations which confusingly is before exams.
Umm...something else.... meh.
Hmm. I get so lazy on breaks. Had so many projects I hoped to accomplish. None got done. Nope. None. But I did get a small fix of tv over two days. Haven't watched tv in a long while. ;(
Duck! Duck! Goose! rocks my socks.
With love......
~*~
2 lovers |
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2005 22 March :: 10.04pm
:: Mood: alone
:: Music: Tom's heavy rock Mix
butterflies dance in the sunlight
Home at 1 am this morning. Really tired.
The trip was awesome. Love spending time with friends like that. No words for it.
Mom came home from her trip a half hour before I woke up. Her yelling woke me up. She's really uspet. With good right.
Grandma's dying.
Well, she'sin Hospice now, which we all know what that means. Mom's sisters called saying they want the tubes turned back on.
When my grandparent's first got sick...it was already accepted that they were gone. No one can recover from those things. Grandpa would just keep drifting and Grandma would just give up. We all knew that...so it was like they were already gone. That was Thanksgiving. But then you go and see them. So they're alive again. But then Grandpa dies and they're both gone again. We saw Grandma then....but she wasn't really there. She was in such pain. She'd given up a long time ago. Such shame she felt.
Grandpa's service....one learns so much when people die. I found out I have 3 second cousins, all girls. They live in Miami. One's around my age, but I'm still older (yes, I take pride in that for some reason), the other are two or three years younger than the next. Found out mom had four cousins: one commited suicide, one was in an accident and had brain trauma, one has the three girls, and one's an Emory graduate who lives around Miami too (he's pretty cool, gave me some tips on Emory and just adopted another baby). I found out Grandpa had other siblings. The Grandfather of my second cousins died a number of years ago..but apparently I think he was alive when I was. Another sibling commited suicide (no idea on the connections with all these suicides). I'm pretty sure that's right. I'll have to check that. Found out Grandpa was in the WW2. I knew both of mine were in the war but was always told it was just for a few weeks nothing big...apparently he had had frostbite and was at the Battle of the Bulge we learned about the week before Spring Break. Also found out that Grandpa wrote poetry. Lots and lots of poetry. Very good poetry. I'm going to type it all up to save it.
He was cremated. I don't remember why. I tend to forget a lot of family details for some reason, even though I'm so curious about my family. They all forget the details too.
But Dega's dying again. She must be in such agony... She was the strongest woman I've ever known. Smaller than me and so frail. But always active and alive and in charge. I named her. Don't know why but I remember the day I decided to call her Dega.
I know it's not nice to say, but they were my favorite. Dega and Grandpa. Dad's side....I dunno. These two were my favorite. Of course that's why they were taken first. I have no words to experience loss with. I'm such a bad person at putting feelings into words. I usually prefer to just not register them. But my connection to Dega was too great. But this is just too difficult. I was hoping for some help.
I knew during the trip that Dega was leaving....I knew she wouldn't be there when I came home. It was so hard. But I didn't want to wake up to it.
Really pulls at the heartstrings.
With love...
~*~
just breathe
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2005 10 March :: 9.37am
:: Mood: cranky
no me gusto espanol
Spanish should die. *stabbities*
*freakingoutness*
Yeah, okay. So I'm sitting outside the room waiting for Asha to finish and I recite my oral. Perfectly. Intonation and emphasis and emotion and pauses and everything, Natural slips but no need for note cards and all that.
I get there.. and kinda...get weak. And I sit and start and it's all rocky like I expected..but it didn't get better like it always did. Ms. French was staring right at me and Lona tried to look away most of the time but they had such looks of confusion throughout almost my entire oral!!! That made me blank. Twice. For like..several seconds. Completely lost where I was. Which pisses me off cause it was at one spot that I knew so well I could speed through it. But no. Slower than a snail. Ugh. And one question I couldn't catch quickly enough. And so did not have good vocab. I had to ask the word for few! FEW! So stupid.
And don't feel much relief that it's over.
English is Monday. I'm THE last person so maybe that'll be collective relief that all the seniors are done. I hope.
*stillfreakingoutness*
With love....
~*~
just breathe
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