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:: 2007 24 August :: 9.28 am

I see myself falling through endless holes with no soul
clinging desperately to a serrated edge, my last ditch attempt before I go down the rabbit hole into another universe.

that is my afterlife

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:: 2007 23 August :: 10.44 pm

current thoughts in my head
* i hate my family.i know most people do but my family really sucks
* i need to get the fuck away from them to get back my i'm going to start looking into grad school in california
*my arm looks like it went through a slicer.all cut up, and it itches like a bitch
*sometimes i still wanna die
*thats it

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:: 2007 23 August :: 4.31 pm

My doctor put me on Zoloft.So that's three medications total that I'm taking.Zoloft,Risperdal,and Tegretol.Five pills per night.And she wants to add another one.Lamictal.I can't afford it right now though,it's too expensive.It's $500 without prescription and with my prescription it's still $80.She says that I'm too unstable right now.this does not necessarily mean that I'm going to stay on all of them forever.Just until I'm more stable.I'm seeing a therapist once a week and my psychiatrist every two weeks.sigh.Jesus.I'm really that fucked up.Why did it all become too much all of a sudden though?I mean it's like I snapped.I've been through a lot of shit in my life,traumatizing stuff,but why did it all become too much all of a sudden?I don't know the anser to that question.

The Zoloft is almost like a placebo except it's really helping with my anxiety issues which is good.And I'm feeling a lot better today,not suicidal and not in danger of harmng myslef.I actually want to go out and do something instead of sitting on my ass but then I realized that I really have virtually no friends left.My two closest friends are travelling right now so it's just me myself and sad.

I hate entries like these.They are so pointless

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:: 2007 22 August :: 12.33 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: the chamber brothers

i'm feeling fucked up and lonely.Instantly wishing you here my dear.But you are locked up just as I was(not THAT KIND of locked up)so i must wait patiently to kiss you.You are the best kisser ever hands down I don't care what anybody says.And I love how tall and skinny you are even though i normally like girls with some juiciness.But like you just the way you are crazy and all.

I miss myself.I know it seems impossible but I do.Or at the least the self that I think I was.Before 19,before 14,before 5,before the womb,before the thought occured to Mother and Father that it would be a good idea to have a sort of one night stand-esque fuck sessions that implanted the seed of I and Her(my twin) within our mother's womb.I'm certain I cherished those days.

I was less likely to want to kill myself then I'm sure

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:: 2007 20 August :: 9.02 pm

the girl
picture a girl:she lays in her bed with thoughts flittering through her head.of death.of chasing 25 pills with a glass of wine.The girl gets up to do this,sees her friend sleeping in the bed across from her and panics.literally.She's scared.She tries to wake up her friend but she's in a deep sleep.The girl calls 911.They are there within minutes along with pomp and circumstance.She's ushered down the dormitory hallway,into a waiting Ambulance,to a hospital that is used to girls like her:girls with suicidal ideation.An obsession with death.The need to hurt herself in order to feel pain.It's ironic she knows.But the girl feels numb most of the time.The girl spends 11days in a psychiatric unit Girl,Interrupted style.She gets out and feels like an alien in a brave new world.She cannot fathom ever living in such a place called earth,within a thing called reality.She spends the day recounting the same thing she's been recounting to psychiatrist and psychololgist and therapist and social workers ever since that day.Then she's spends a couple of more hours convincing her school that yes,it is absolutely alright that she is in her dorm alone for two weeks and that no,she would not attempt to kill herself.She feels like the school is not the only one that needs convincing of this fact.Finally,she arrives home,sits down,and writes this journal

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:: 2007 3 August :: 12.52 am

I'm far too young to see the end so near

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:: 2007 2 August :: 3.06 am

jesus i've become so fucking jaded

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:: 2007 2 August :: 1.52 am

this really needed to come out
I finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist because i couldn't take it anymore.actually not even becuase i couldn't take it anymore but becuase i had no choice.I've always been depressed and I've always had suicidal thoughts but not this bad before.It's really ridiculous and uncontrollable and it comes out of nowhere. for example, most days i would be 'normal' meaning i'm generally ok and things don't seem so bad.But then slowly the warning signs start to come.I'll wake up and i won't want to get out of bed.I force myself out of bed but i have no energy.there's a cloud over my head all day and for most people who feel sad they get over it.except for me my severe depression days last for a while.the next day the same thing happens except that i start having crazy thoughts.having the strongest urges to cut mysef(which i've only done a couple of times),how i don't want to live.There's been times when I've planned out to the hilt how i would go.I'll be in a tall building and i would wonder to myself, 'what if i just jump off?' i know it's really fucked up but I cannot control it.I don't know why i'm this way.I've always been like this,even when I was really young but it's never been this bad before.But then I was reading online that for people who have depression during their childhood,it worsens as they get older(or sommething to that effect).I don't really know how it is for everybody but I know that for me just becuase i think suicidal thoughts doesn't mean that I want to die.But the thoughts in my head say that I want to die.It doesn't make sense I know.I just know that I need to figure out how to not always think like this because i'm afraid that one day i'll actually do it.And i'm just so tired of feeling shitty all the time for no reason.I mean all the time.Even when i'm 'happy' i feel shitty.It's just this constant fucking cloud and it's so annoying.I'm tired of sedating myself with drugs and food and cutting and all that other fucked up shit.I want to be normal i really do.I want to wake up one morning and just be genuinly ok

p.s i have a fucking cold in the middle of summer, in like 80 degree weather.what the fuck is that?

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:: 2007 3 July :: 9.14 am

she's a working girl
I started work yesterday at an IT company very close to me.About ten minutes.It's a full time internship 9-5:30.It's a very nice office.Silence everywhere except for the whirring of the air conditioner and the clicking of fingers on keyboards.I have my own cubicle,my own phone line and my own computer.Awesome!!!I've never had a 'real' job before.So organized.I know that I have to come in at the same time everyday,that at the end of two weeks my paycheck will be in my bank account and i'll know exactly how much it is,and also when our holidays are.We have off on Martin Luther King's Day!how awesome is that?My father doesn't get off on MLK day.

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:: 2007 28 June :: 12.02 am

Adderall makes me feel like a crazy fuck.Oh but the high grades are so worth it

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:: 2007 18 June :: 5.17 pm

being in a long distance relationship is a bitch and a half

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:: 2007 11 June :: 12.41 am

I'm back home and living the exciting life.Met a girl at Henrietta's in the village.She's hot,it was love at first sight

I so want to stalk her but I have to restrain myself

Afterall I do have a girlfriend

And so does she

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:: 2007 8 May :: 4.22 pm

Sucking on my titties like you wanted me
Calling me, all the time like Blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches
What else is in the teaches of peaches? Huh? What?

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:: 2007 1 May :: 5.26 pm

It's so weird finding out what's going on in your ex's life through her mom.I was just talking to Cynthia's mom online.Her mom is the coolest mom ever!

anyhoo,when I get back there's a 10day summer program in Venezuela that I really really want to do so I'm looking into it

Lunga and I are still together.We fought,said things we've been meaning to,then had really great sex afterwards.


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:: 2007 26 April :: 3.13 pm

so much for my happy ending
so my girlfriend and I just decided that we are not going to stay together after I leave.Which means the relationship is pretty much over because in two weeks my friend comes to visit and then two weeks after that I'm gone.Don't cry for me.I'm not nearly as upset as I should be.Maybe it'll come later but I doubt it.This was the best relationship I've been in and the healthiest,although it had its ups and downs but I'm relieved to be leaving it behind

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