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2005 8 September :: 12.21 am
:: Music: "The Happy Song" - The Nixons
Damn Poo Flingers
Damn Poo Flingers
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 7 September :: 10.45 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: "Everything You Want" -Vertical Horizon
The possibility that people who don't really know me well enough could be reading this journal.
That thought never even crossed my mind until a few months ago. But I do have to accept the fact that this may be the case. Perhaps people who I desire to make a good impression on could be reading this through multiple sources, although the link I have on facebook is what I am most concerned about.
You see, one of the people I met on the canoe trip just added me as a friend. And since the canoe trip was affiliated with Campus Ministry, and since my recent entries have included some, how shall we say, seedy things, it is time to think about these things.
Liz thought she was seeing a different side of me and she was right. That is a completely different side of me that never popped it's ugly head up until last February. Do I like it? I'm not sure yet. Really it's become a socializing method for me. And for anyone that might be concerned, I have gotten drunk enough to do some stupid stuff, but I have stuck to my guns. I haven't drank to the point of sickness, don't want to.
But anyways, yeah, okay. I want people to see the first side of me. I don't want people to see the different side of me because that very rarely has been me (although I do have to admit that the people who have met me the first time on that side of me are not the type of people that I'm looking for anything deep with). Does this make any sense at all?
I'm not sure. But there is a little insecurity inside me saying, "you are a bad person for what you do." It's not because it's a bad thing, but because people think it is.
Okay, this is getting to sound way too much like an addict defending their addiction. And since none of you have actually seen me in the aforementioned state, it doesn't matter. Of course, this could all be a little story about a boy who is struggling with this and has absolutely no basis in reality. I've been known to make things up from time to time. Perhaps to teach you kiddies a lesson so you will mend your evil ways.
Speaking of kiddies. I don't think there is a single person left on my friends list, except my sister, who is still in high school.
3 Meanings |
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 6 September :: 7.12 pm
You know, I post all these love entries, all these things that are so deep. But those don't get any response. BUt I post something like "hey I got drunk and did something stupid" and I get a response. heh.
2 Meanings |
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 5 September :: 10.36 pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: "The Remedy"- Jason Mraz
Drunk
So, perhaps I got drunk.
And perhaps I did something that I shouldn't be too proud of.
But for some reason it isn't affecting my the way I thought it would. Really, it's not anything serious, it's probably something that any natural human being could do and not look back on one bit. But you all know me, and you all know that I hold myself to ridculously high standards sometimes. And maybe this is my chance to be normal. I don't feel like I would think that I would typically. Perhaps it was because I was drunk and it is all so hazy, or perhaps I just don't care anymore.
Tomorrow should tell me if this has given me any confidenc boost. It should, it should really help me to get back into the swing of things.
4 Meanings |
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 2 September :: 11.00 pm
Right on 11pm, how 'bout that.
Anyways, Forrest Gump is on TV tonight. I think it is my most favorite movie of all time. I know a lot of people are into the indie films and other "deep" and "artistic" movies, but I can't think of a better one than Forrest Gump. I wonder sometimes if it's just me. Everytime I see that movie, and even right now, listening to the feather theme, I cry. Every single time.
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What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 31 August :: 10.31 pm
:: Music: "I Feel Fine" - REM
It's the End of the World
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
That seems to have a certain ring to it today, don't you think?
It seems to be a benchmark day in American History. I will remember this day for a long time, as I'm sure you all will too. The day it broke $3. The time it jumped almost a dollar in a day. Yeah, $2.54-$3.48, and for no damn good reason. Yes, I understand hurricane.
Look, I think I'm needing to give a history lesson just so everyone understands the ramifications of it all. Understand, things like this have occurred before.
If you look at what politicians have said today about gas prices. "It's a self-regulating industry" "leave it alone, it will level out;" those are the same thing the people in the Hoover Administration said. That type of laissez faire attitude is what lead this country into the Great Depression.
Honestly, I would like a politician to stand up and say enough is enough. To tell big oil that they can't make their millions on the backs of honest people. Now, do I expect this to happen? No, because most politicians, on either side of the isle, are in the pockets of the oil industry. They finance their campaigns. But I tell you what, any politician that was willing to stand up and give a plan at how to revitalize this country, I'd vote for them. I think John Edwards was onto something in his last campaign. Something has to be done, or else America won't be America for long.
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 30 August :: 4.53 pm
So, first day of class today.
Really, it feels so good to be back in the classroom. It always seems that at the begining of the semester there is a fresh optimism.
Went to the CPR last night and had a great time. Really, I want to get involved as much as I possibly can. Maybe that's stupid now, because, of course, as everyone has seen, because it's such a long drive, but hey, I think it might be worth it.
So I have some classes with some people I know. All from strange places though.
So, I was sitting outside my Russian Thought class and my worst fears were realized. This kid, wearing all black reading a book. I swear, it's like all Russian Studies people are like this. I think those people are like the dark hidden side of the history/language departments. They are all really strange. Not that I can't blame them. After spending even one semester studying Russian thought I'm guessing that I might sympathize with them a little. It's almost scary. Because if I had to put of with a year, let alone four or five, of everything Russian, I'd be like that too. It just seems that all Russian things that I have been exposed to are so fixated on death. Almost like they have the approach of "We're all going to die, so let's speed it up and drink some more vodka." See I prefer the stereotype of Latin America, which is "We're all going to die, but if we repent for our sins, we can party and make the best of the time we are here." I much prefer that.
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 27 August :: 11.34 am
Perhaps it's time to ressurect something. See, all the thinking about the past before Kim, and how life was actually pretty good, has driven me to go back and look at my entries from that period. I came across this poem, which Shari said, at the time, was one of the most beautiful things I had ever written. Maybe she really did see my soul.
To My Darling
Your eyes glow brighter than the light of a thousand stars.
Your hair shimmers like a still lake in a beauteous sunset.
You skin is as soft as the finest silk made in a foreign land.
If given the chance I would worship you.
I would fall upon my hands and wash your feet.
I would serve you and follow all of your commands.
I would be only so lucky to taste your sweet nectar of life.
And if only for a short time I were to give in to my desire,
I would lose everything that I have worked for.
Why He would give me a desire like this, I will never know.
If it is only for me to desire Him, in the same way I desire you so.
It wasn't about her, and frankly, I don't remember who it was about, if it was about anyone at all.
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 27 August :: 10.43 am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: "Hey Pretty" - Poe
The Past, Present, and Future
Yesterday was something else entirely.
It marked my entrance back into the workforce, which felt good. It also led me to relive the past.
With what has been going on in my life lately, you might think that that isn't a good thing, but I do. Because the past I was reliving was the past of two, three, even four years ago, not the hellish roller coaster ride of the last year and half.
I went back to work and it was like I didn't miss a single beat. I nailed everything on the head. It was kind of depressing, the fact that everyone seems to hate their job so much. It's almost like it is all a chore. Not something that I saw before, because I almost felt that way. But I have the advantage of perspective now. I've seen the light. I am no longer scared that that is the place that I am going to get stuck. I've been to what I percieve to be the top, and it wasn't that interesting. I just hope my approach will help Denise out, because I don't want her losing it.
I also went to the football game last night. Got to play some tuba. My chops aren't what they used to be, but they still work. I swear, it took five years to get up to a high B-flat, and now, I haven't played regularly in more than three years, I can still get up to it, and on a sousaphone no less (not that this means anything to any of you). Kara Stermin was also there. I haven't seen her since we gradutated. It is just one of those things where you don't even realized that someone is missing until you see them again. No matter how introverted I was, and how much at the time I hated the way that my personal life was going, I always had something in high school. I always had a way to restore my self-confidence. That's something that has been severely lacking the last few months.
And for Brianna; I tried four different numbers that I thought could be the number that Lori gave me. None of them worked. See, I finally did it.
That brings me to another note, it's about all the girls over the years that I have had crushes on. I don't know if this is a typical guy thing, but I find myself having had feelings and building a girl up to such an extent that I find it hard to approach them. With Lori that was true, and it took me getting drunk to do anything about it. With others, it's not that easy. I had one of those experiences last night. I almost had the same feeling that I had the first time she left, and I spend multitudes amount of time explaining her behavior away, because I want so badly for some kind of sign. But it's not there,, and if any of them ever found out, I would be completely embarassed.
It did happen once in high school. With Brenda. That was not of my doing though, and then it even took me a whole week to say anything to her. That was beyond anything that I think I ever experienced.
Just as a note. There is no regret to any of this. This is me lucidly analyzing the last 36 hours.
3 Meanings |
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 21 August :: 12.29 am
This thing just keeps getting uglier and uglier. I could be talking about multiple things in my life right now, with that statement I guess. But I'll stick to politics for now.
This is great. You know, the whole Iraq thing. See, I will admit that I was part of the silent majority who believed that it probably was a good idea to change the regime in Iraq. Getting rid of Saddam was a noble goal, and it was accomplished. I also thought that it was sheer brilliance (absolutely no sarcasm here, really) to give the terrorists an active front in their own backyard. You see, if the terrorists were busy in a place like Iraq, they wouldn't be able to export terror internationally because all their resources would be tied up there.
But now. Regime change is not going so well. We are replacing a moderate (in terms of the Foxnews term "Islamofacism") non-democratic regime under Saddam, into an Islamic democracy ruled by clerics. Our representatives at the Iraqi Constitutional assembly have agreed to let Iraq be an Islamic state. They have agreed to change the status of Islamic Law in relation to secular law. Instead of the constitution saying that Islamic Law is "a" major source for secular law, we have conceded to is saying that Islamic Law is "the" major source for secular law (today's Jordan Times @ jordantimes.com). In essence, any law passed by a new government has to conform to Islam, or what the religious clerics think is Islamic Law. But, never fear, our ambassadors have worked very hard to insist on equality and women's rights. This is why I'm thankful for the class that I just got done taking. Women's rights according to Islamic Law are not equal to mens rights. The whole gender realtionship in Islam is one of complimentary roles. In Islam, every women has the right to children. A woman can divorce a man if he does not provide her with children. But women don't have the right to "rebel" (Arabic term 'nushuz') against her husband. That is women's rights under Islamic Law.
So it comes down to, who do we blame? Do we blame Bush for going in with no real plan to deal with the post-invasion scenario? Or do we blame liberals for crying foul and bitching and whining because people actually believe that going into Iraq was a good thing, thereby forcing the hand of the administration into settling for a less than reasonable compromise? I don't know. I'm tending towards option number one right now, but then again, I don't think it would take much for me to start believing number two.
And the great thing is that as my mind is being changed at this very minute, so are many other people's around the country. What to do, what to do? I have no idea, but things are conspiring and I think we are headed towards a rough patch in American history. I wouldn't say it is the downfall of our nation, but a definite rough patch. Hegemony can't last forever.
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What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 19 August :: 10.51 pm
I think I drank some bad OJ. It's been in the fridge for awhile and it was really pulpy. It burned on the way down and now it's churning me insides.
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 18 August :: 1.56 pm
SO I'm sitting in Kirkoff right now. You know, there is nothing more gratifying than droping 1 G just to get an education. I know, I shouldn't be complaining. There are a few of you who are spending more than that, but it still doesn't make me feel any better.
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 11 August :: 11.45 pm
So with my free time I decided to read another Hunter S Thompson book. I've never actually been able to finish one of his books. If you've ever read him, you might understand. His observations are right on, all be it a little twinged. The guy was seriously deranged sometimes. Right now I'm reading "Fear and Loathing: ON the Campaign Trail '72." It's great. Tons of political commentary. It is odd that the same things that he talks about going on with the '72 election are basically the same things that happened with the '04 election. An incumbent President, who everyone who was oppossed to him thought that it would be the end of the world. In his case it was Nixon. And, no matter how much of an ardent Republican you are, Nixon was kind of scary in that rights curtailing way. he talked about the youth vote, that was suppossed to play a huge role in the '72 election, it didn't. Kind of reminiscent of "Vote or Die," which many of our generation did neither of. The Democratic promary was up for grabs, with many non-descrpit condidates running. And, in '04, if you consider Dean somewhat non-despcript (well he was until Iowa), and disregard that Hitler-esque Kucinich, the same can be said.
He also talks about wanting a choice more than between crap and crap. Of wanting to vote FOR something instead of AGAINST something. I mean, if I had extremely strong liberal leanings I would have gone for Dean, but the Dems wanted someone who was a little more mainstream, someone who could beat Bush.
Personally, I was attracted to Edwards more than I was to any single candidate who ran in '04. I thought his message was great. It just was co-opted when he joined the ticket with Kerry. Toned down and washed out. I think it was the fact that he was trying to do things right. Not smear other candidates. The motivaiton behind his policy intiatives seemed to be compassion for people. People like me, and my family. It's an ideal. He is someone who will never make it into the White House. He couldn't. He's too weak and too unwilling to piss of the right people to be politically successful.
So that brings me to my next political rant (remember, this is all inspired by Thompson). My newest attempt at being involved in politics is somehting I term "Bringin' the Bitches Down '06." By the bitches I am referring to the two prominent state officials up for re-election in '06. That would be Governor Granholm and Senator Stabenow. Both have been relatively uneffective in their terms. Now, Ole Spence wasn't exactly the most effective Senator, nor was he a very good Energy Secretary, but I'm sure we don't need another junior Democratic lurking in the halls of the Senate. Much better to have a junior Republican Senator who represents more than the East side of the state. Really, I feel like we should be able to secede from the Union. Because with both of these women in power, this side of the state is getting absolutely no representation nationally. Don't get me wrong, my issue is not with the fact that they are women. I have already said why I prefer not to have Stabenow in office. I prefer not to have Granholm in office because she just spent time in Japan on the state's dime, claiming that it was for gaining jobs and improving the economy and came back with the pitiful assurance of 150 jobs. Count'em, 150. Open up 8 new fast food resturants and you'll create that many jobs. Probably with better pay and benefits than the one's she's brigning t'boot. Also she's Canadian. I don't like Canadians. Them and their flappy heads.
And I'm spent.
What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 10 August :: 7.43 pm
Well I wasn't going to update, but something has just stirred me to speak.
I saw a headline that said that a comapny is going to sell trips around the moon. What crazy idiot could actually spend money on this. Seriously. My god, the biggest nation in the history of the earth has been flying in space for nearly fifty years now, and still can't send people up there with any regularity. Perhaps we were getting close to that until the Columbia accident. I mean, we can't even put trained professionals up there right now and not freak that something is going wrong. What could possible make you think that we could send tourist up there and something horribly destructive won't happen.
On another note, it seemed that everyone was saying that Discovery would be the shuttle that would be prepped for any rescue mission involving the launch of Atlantis in Spetember. Does anyone know what happened to the Enterprise?
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What is your life meant to be? |
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2005 8 August :: 9.19 pm
So in class today, I think one girl totally missed the point of the entire class. She wanted to know what was right and what was wrong. Not in reference to any specific issue, but she wanted to know. Now in uderstanding this girl you must realize that she has never been nice to me. In a class with eight guys and two girls, hers has been the most ardent anti-male voice. I just get the distinct vibe from her that she has a real hatred for men, and a dislike for me. Why she dislikes me? Well I could attribute that to her general dislike of all males, but to put it bluntly, I think it's just me.
So anyway, it got me thinking. Has there ever been a time in life where you just wanted to know the simple truth, but it just escapes you?
I'm talking in broad terms here. I began to think about what this meant to me, in my life. For me right now, I want to know the simple truth about what happened between me and Kim. My problem with that is that it is not subjective or unknowable. It is, if she could or would talk to me. So that doesn't really fit the situation.
But I continued thinking if there was anything in life that you could know the simple truth about. If there was anything that was universally true, no gray areas or strings attached. Then it dawned on me that there is that one thing, that for many of you I know is huge in your life, just like it is in my life, and that is your faith. No matter what, what I do, what I say, no matter how wrong I am, God's love is still going to be there. That is the simple truth for me.
Then I began thinking about the girl and how truly confused she must feel. Not about faith, I am not one to judge that, but in regards to her question. She seemed very much disturbed by the fact that there was not a clear answer. She kept asking questions, almost pleading with the professor to give her somekind of insight into what was right. It bordered on fear. That things weren't set a certain way. That life could turn, and that, for an instant, she couldn't trust anything. "Just give me the answer," was what I heard her saying without actually saying it. As if the answer would give her some piece of mind, some safety in this new world that she was scared of.
Really, that is why I don't talk about my faith. It comes from my mother. This last Christmas, I recieved from my parents a set of religious books, including a Bible. Nevermind that I already had several, have been a Christian for many years. But I tried so hard to hide the fact from them. When I started going to church alone, as oppossed to when I was going with Kim (for some reason it was a more effective cover for my faith if it was seen as her dragging me to church rather than me going willingly), I would hide it by saying that I was going out. And I would get very upset if I was questioned further. But what really strikes me, and to get back to the original intent, is that when my mom asked me about it, the question was "Does it give you comfort?" That question is what I had avoided. What was I to say to that? "Yes, it gives me great comfort to know that everyday when I wake up that God has created this day for me, and just by virute of being alive I know that God loves me." No, I couldn't say that. Her analytic boy couldn't profess that he needed a crutch to help him through everyday life. Not that I didn't want to say what I should have. Not that ever fiber of my being feels that way. But for her it was the simple truth. My faith was the simple truth that's sole function would be as if the professor had made up an answer to set that girl at ease. It's not the way it is, but continue believing that it is. Yes, my faith is a comfort, but it is so much more. So much more. That's my longing, to express that freely, not for it to be the simple truth that I fall back into because the world is too complex and doesn't make sense anymore. That's not what my faith is, nor do I wish it to ever be.
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What is your life meant to be? |
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