14outtanone
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2008 28 June :: 5.12am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: "I Could Just Kill a Man" by Charlotte Sometimes
I want it all.
So... my mood's improved. By alot.
I moved that old wicker chest into my room and it lead to like... a six hour escapade which resulted in some cleaning. And heavy lifting. I have terrible girl muscles. Like.... seriously.
Although I suppose I could have taken the things OUT of the cabinet that I was lifting... but there was no room. I'm a slob, that's just a fact.
At 7 I'm going to vaccum. That will be very... interesting. Vaccums and myself have a life-long feud going on. It's actually quite depressing, but I feel it must be done. I don't know what's so different between myself and Kelsey when it comes to cleaning. She can power though it in three hours and the floor will even be spotless. Eight hours and I still need to vaccum. What a hassle. I need a maid.
I'm going to go see Jon today. I'm a little bit nervous. I don't know what I'm going to say to him yet. I'm not really thinking about it though. I'm sure he has our conversation mapped out already, which is for the best. I'm too ditzy to talk on my own.
Wark.
Later that night: 9:16 PM
______________________
So the vaccum and I had our fight this morning. We yelled and screamed and hissed at eachother. True, I was trying to force it to play over in the cage area... but it didn't need to act the way it did. In the end it took the inititive and shut itself off. It's still in the middle of my room, just chilling.
Saw Jon, we talked. He got me well and fully worried like all men like to do. Serious... what is it about men and being non-chalant about death? Robbie's like "lol imma diz naow, kbye." and Dev does it too. Now Jon's all like "These huge scars running down my arms in three centimeter rivets are nothing. I was just trying to die." and so I freak out and worry about our future. Honestly, I have sympathy for people who WANT to die, but not so much when it's my favorite people. I loves mah bro bro Robbie and my...DADDY DEVVY (hahahahaha, he can't smack me, since he doesn't have my journal, in his fai-ossss)...and that goes a million times for my beloved Jon.
And the moral is that I haven't slept since spending the night at Crystal's. T-T
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 25 June :: 5.35am
:: Mood: crappy
Breakdowns and Throwing up.
Day baggilion of Jon being away. I say away like he's just on a business trip and he'll be right back. Like I can just flop on my bed and call him up to tell him I miss him. Like I don't have to worry about him being sad or in pain.
I'm basicly living in filth because I can barely stand the idea of moving anything in my room more than a couple feet because it'll be like I'm accepting...something. I don't even know what. I've been so sick with food poisoning and various other sicknesses no doubt caused by stress. I just want him back. The fact that I can't do ANYTHING to get him out of jail and back home... it tears my apart and just beats at my whole being. I feel like such a failure. He's missed so many things, things that only he should have been there for.
All I ever do is sleep and roleplay online and go to Nick's to play online games. I hate being awake 80% of the time and I just... feel so lost.
And it's the worst kind of lost. It's not like being broken up with, he's still with me and still in love with me and I'm in love with him. He's just... not here. It's like walking around with a hole in your head that you can't understand why it's missing. It'd be easier if it was a broken heart, I could just get angry. This... I love him and I love him and I KEEP loving him... but I can't see him or talk to him or touch him...or even let him know that I'm thinking of him. I look at his picture and I cry. Alot.
I even have a message on my answering machine from like... a month ago that I play every night before I go to bed so I can just HEAR his voice. I miss him so badly. I'm so confused without him. I have so much to talk to him about. I talk to the air pretending it's him so I don't break down every minute of every day.
I don't know what to do. I wish I could do SOMETHING.
I would give up anything to get him out.
Well... I'd give up anything but him.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 16 June :: 2.41pm
:: Mood: naughty
Shake it 'til the moon becomes the sun!
I'm sitting in my room feeling ultra funny. I had about a thousand dreams last night, some about Jon, about Shaleen... some about people I've never met before. Lots of swimming from all around. Snuggling in the middle of the Holiday Inn. Driving around downtown... it was very weird.
I'm kinda dazed from it all because I remember most of them. o_o
Anyway, don't tell anyone but I'm eating Vannilla Zingers. I know I know... I hate Vannilla. But it's like the one thing I'll eat and enjoy. Plus, it's too hot for chocolate. It always seems to heat me up when I eat chocolate.
I miss human contact. Talking Dev has like... reminded me of parties and conserts and rubbing up against people I don't know.
Yeah.
I need to get Jon back. It's bad when my mind goes back to the world.
- uncomforable sigh -
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 13 June :: 12.21pm
:: Mood: drained
I'm not interested in your tattoo or your breasts.
It's kinda disappointing how few of the new journals that are being made get updated. It seems like a waste, after that wonderful cleanout years ago.
But I'll let that go.
Just a mention to the wiser people: Donuts from 7-11 are not very good. I couldn't finish my half... it was just too sweet.
I'm going to go play some Pokemon now. Whee.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 12 June :: 3.37am
:: Mood: crazy
I don't know why I got out of bed at all.
Painting pisses me off. Seriously fucks, I just screwed up on three pictures. I really want to go somewhere... but it just... doesn't work without my Jon to go with me. I miss him desperatly. I'm never letting him get in trouble again, I'm not kidding around.
My love for him is violent like a storm, and I will keep my eye on him to make sure he doesn't wash out.
Oh my god. Sleep. When I start makeing rolling references it's time to shut up and snore.
~Nee
PS: HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY KELSEY-SWEETS! I came over... but you weren't there. /emo
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14outtanone
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2008 9 June :: 1.43am
:: Mood: cranky
Here's a list of things that pissed me off today:
Being in love.
Jon being in jail.
My PS2 freezing.
People not calling me back.
The fact that it was THREE people who didn't call me back.
Icecream smell.
Clothes that are too big for me.
Mom being emotional.
False hope.
Headaches.
Lack of money.
My internet.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 8 June :: 1.39am
:: Mood: crappy
I wish I was less...pathetic.
Why did I say that?
Why can't I fucking keep my mouth shut?
I'm so embarassed.
I want to curl up in a ball and rot right now.
UGHHHH!
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 7 June :: 8.25pm
:: Music: 1000 Words; JADE
Now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart.
Sitting at Nick's.
Sorry got missing my deadline. Things have been.... sucky.
Nick knows how to cheer my up most of the time. I feel better when he's making dumb jokes.
I kinda miss being breezy.
Only a little bit.
I'm so hungry... I haven't been hungry in weeks... I'm glad that I finally broke.
"I was so distant then... Didn't say goodbye when you left..."
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 6 June :: 5.52pm
And now for a whole forest of "WTF WERE YOU THINKING?!"
Jon official screwed himself over.
It's beyond my help.
I'm still thinking of a brilliant plan to get him out.
Alas.. life is like that sometimes.
Othernews:
I'm addicted to games, and Roleplayers find me sexy. More at 11.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 4 June :: 7.39pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: "Ask DNA" from the Cowboy Beebop Movie
Are you living in the real world?
I want adventure.
I'm tired of all this waiting. I hate waiting. Waiting ruins all of my fun.
I wish I should be like a fisherman, and wait my life away with my smile. Waiting for a little fishie to make mt day worthwhile.
I wish I could be like a Chess player, and wait for the perfect move. And be content with just trying.
I wish I could be like a mother, and be patient and knowing. To watch somthing that I made grow into somthing amazing.
I'm not any of those things though. I'm just a little woman who can't sit still. I want to make my way across the world. I want to feel life in my hands. I want to have an amazing wirlwind romance that never stops moving. I want to live in delusion running to the next moment with open arms. I can't stand waiting for this door to appear so I can find somthing that I want to do.
Sometimes. I can't even wait to die.
-Nee
See you space cowboy.
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14outtanone
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2008 4 June :: 9.54am
:: Mood: accomplished
Sore feet don't exist?
I'm still freaking out about Jon, but I'm able to sleep again.
And I've been getting out of the house.
I walked to Nick's last night. It only took 1 hour and 45 minutes.
20 minutes to get his attention.
In the raaaiiin? Not really. It was only rainy for the 30 minutes. I didn't even get tired. It was nice. He demanded that he give me a ride home though... - shrug -
I want to walk again tonight... I wonder if anyone else wants me to visit.
If anyone in my area wants me to talk to their house, comment and tell me. I'm open for destination suggestions.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 1 June :: 6.04am
:: Mood: dorky
Can I talk to you?
Woohu, I have to admit something...
I know nothing about formatting my journal. I have no idea where I even got the codes that I use right now. It's been three years since I tried to figure out which codes did what things. I know how to change the background image.
That's it. D:
I suck.
If anyone knows how to like... move my text table around to the left/right of the page... or oror...make a whole new table to put links to other sites... tell me okay? Because I'm formatting illiterate.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 31 May :: 1.30pm
:: Mood: crushed
And now for a small recess.
No Good Ever Comes of Communication
Wife: Do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband: Yep.
Wife: That's it? Just "yep"?
Husband: Looks very different. It'll be like having sex with another woman.
Wife: Asshole! Should have kept my mouth shut.
Husband: Yep.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
via Overheard Everywhere, May 23, 2008
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14outtanone
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2008 29 May :: 10.49pm
:: Mood: guilty
There is no faith left in the world.
Depression is very lame.
There should be a cure-all potion that fixes this.
But frankly if those sorts of things were possible I'd rather use the magic to solve the original problem that caused the depression.
I feel defeated and useless. Obviously there are women all over the world that would tel me to not give up, and keep trying. Unfortunatly I don't have time to rush forward and keep trying. Insperational books give courage if you have time to read them, but I had three days. I have nothing left. No-one can help.
He can still be saved, but how? No-one is willing to sign their name.
Hopelessness seems to soak into my bones. Like an ache that reaches the marrow of a person. This is pressing my marrow into little diamonds.
Marrow doesn't even make diamonds. That's how terrible I feel.
-Nee
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violet-winter-fields
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2008 26 May :: 10.04am
:: Mood: annoyed
All hail Stalin!
Except not. I cannot stand being wthout the internet. It's like I moved behind the Iron Curtain... I knew moving back in with my parents was going to be like this, but it still frustrates me to no end. I came out to them about my crossdressing ways and while they reacted a hell of a lot better than I thought they would have, it's still not all peaches and cream. I need to get my finances in order so I can get a place of my own, but I'd still need a roommate to make it work. Here's hoping things work out with Sara and she does end up moving up here.
Wow, that felt good. I needed that.
On the plus side: I'm back with most everyone who respects and befriends me, I'm mostly over my most recent relationship and happy to hear that she's happy(and only a little down(though not that she's happy, but that I can't seem to find that same love) about it), and I'm back in the D&D world that I missed so much when I was in Idaho.
Cheers from Utah, the most narrow-minded place I know.
Oh, and that McDonald's analogy pretty much sums it all up.
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