A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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:: 2008 16 December :: 10.21 pm

Happy Birthday to me...
I'm 18 today.
Birthdays are always depressing.
I feel as if I haven't accomplished anything (which I haven't)
And I feel like I've done nothing exciting in life.
I want to take risks, I want to have fun, I want to live my life and be happy.
So what the fuck is constantly stopping me?

:: 2008 17 November :: 5.47 pm

Love love pulled us down in the gutter
Can you see us getting out oh i wonder
It�s a long long lonely fight down inside me
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

Hm...
I started horse back riding, i'm leasing a horse.
I always always wanted a horse or to be able to ride but we could never afford it.
Amy's teaching me, theres two horses there so we can both lease one.
The lady just had a baby so she needs people to ride them and isnt to concerned about money.
Its $50/month for one day a week but she said we can go whenever we want and don't have to start paying until next month =)

I started going to the pshychiatrist last week had a super long appointment almost two hours and had to fill out a bunch of sheets.
She says I have ocd and might possibly be bipolar which I could see. Anyways she wants me to go to the VIHA anxiety clinic so i'll have a lot of appoinments again.

It feels as if me and Greg are growing apart.
Maybe i'm wrong but idk.

:: 2008 11 November :: 10.42 pm

Life;

Haven't gone to school in awhile.

Dropped out of bootcamp.

Skatings okay.

Work sucks, I get no hours and make no money.

Just spent all my savings on my stupid piece of shit car, but atleast its fixed now.

I'm so fat, I just keep gaining weight. No matter how hard I try to be consistant about eating better I get no where.
I'm finding it impossible to kick my junk food habit.
Yet I don't eat nearly as much.
It depressed the living hell out of me. None of my clothes fit. I've resorted to just wearing dresses cause for the more part they hide everything.
Shopping which I use to love now depresses me more than anything.
I can't stand walking around and seeing all these beautiful skinny fit girls.

Staying on the topic of my health. I keep getting yeast infections.
I've had four in the past three months.
I have one right now and so far its been almost 10 days. I used a seven day treatment as well as pills that I take orally and it did nothing.
I've also tried differnt products and nothing helps.
I just don't know what to do.

I have a lot of appointments. Last week I went to the dentist, I hadn't been in two years and I only have one cavity, since then I brush everyday :)
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to deal with my yeast problem cause I'm sick of having chronic yeast infections.
The following day I have an appointment with my new pshychiatrist which is going to be an hour and a half long and I hope it helps.
Next week on the 18th I have a consultation to look at my teeth because I need my wisdom teeth taken out, which is going to be soon so I can still get it covered under my moms medical.
The following day I'm up early early early to take my grandparents to appointments. My granny has to go to the hospital so she needs someone to drive her and after that my grandpa has an appoinment. Normally they would take themselves but because of the procedures they can't drive. I don't mind though, I love my grandparents and they've done so much for me I like to help where I can.
Finally Dec.4 I have to get my cavity filled, which wont be to bad.
Hopefully after that I'll get my wisdom teeth out and just have everything over with.

:: 2008 23 October :: 9.49 pm

=(
So little Mr. Jack Daniels got hit by a car.
He survived but his hip is dislocated.
We took him to the vet and they popped it back in but it just popped out again. So far its already cost $700.00 that my mom really can't afford, and the money spent hasnt even done anything.
Basically we have to wait two weeks and see if he can manage without it.
It breaks my heart to see him trying to hobble around and know hes probably in so much pain.
So far hes managing fairly well but I really don't see how he can live the rest of his life like that. Hes so fucked up.
If he can't seem to manage were just going to have to put him down.
I'm almost at the point of thinking that might be better, but wait and see how the two weeks goes.
Even if he can manage, hes not going to be able to go outside again and he'll be restricted to the house. I can't imagine that, it would suck.
I've had cats put down before but this ones differnt. Hes so much more than just a regular cat.
Hes such a cutie. Hes the biggest sketch bag in the world and he has so many cute personality traits.
The way he sits up right his little belly hanging out like a person hunched over.
The way he can't hunt but instead brings leaves in fall and winter. He always finds the perfect one and puts it right in the middle of the doorway so we see it when we get up. Last year by the end of the winter we had a huge pile out by the back.
And the fact that everytime he goes out and comes back inside he eats like hes never seen food. Hes sucha little fatty.
Theres just so much about him thats so differnt from other cats and it would kill me to see him or Kaluah go =(
He is such a little trooper though. At the vet he didn't try and fight it or anything, he didn't even meow at all! And at home hes already eating, probably more than he should be but thats good. Hes even managed to learn to go up the stairs, he props himself up against the wall to help get up. Hes so good and I just wish I could make all his pain go away.
Ughhhh all I can do is hope for the best, but thats kinda hard sometimes.
I love you JD. <3 Please please please get better!

:: 2008 16 October :: 3.16 pm

I'm getting so fucking sick and tired of dealing with your shit.
YOUR SO FUCKING STUPID AND LAZY.
Where is your common sense!?
Your such a slob, you sit on your fat ass all day doing NOTHING.
And god forbid you do something like... unload this dishwasher?
I don't even remember the last time I saw you vacuum or clean the bathrooms! The most you'll do is throw the dishes in the dishwasher, but god forbid you unload it once its run through. Or you put some laundry in the wash, but don't bother to switch it to the dryer unless its your own.
You clean your room, your own room, the one you make your own ridiculously disgusting mess in and you act like you deserve a freaking prize. Just because you clean your OWN room doesn't mean you shouldn't help with other things.
Now the common sense thing.. its astounding.
You think if you drop something on the floor you'd pick it up, not leave it there for days and days?
I even constantly see you drop food on the floor and just leave it there.
Its disgusting. Pigs are less filthy than you.
You turn the intire house into a fucking mess. The computer desk and surrounding area are littered with GARBAGE and food you've droped but havent cleaned up. The tables are constantly littered with garbage from your purse or sewing shit or your stupid ugly hair extensions.
Even the landing at the bottom of the stairs is piled up with clothes and other belognings of yours that your to LAZY to put away.
If you want to live in a disgusting mess keep it in your fucking room.
Your a fat lazy slob.

And honestly if you insist on puking up your food (which CLEARLY doesn't make a differnce, especially when you eat EVERYTHING) you could atleast clean the toilet thats fucking gross.

:: 2008 4 October :: 12.01 am

I'm a million differnt things & not one you know.

I'm so fed up with everything.
I wish life had a reset button at times.
But then again everything I've been through and everything I do has gotten me to the point in my life that i'm at now.
And thats how it will always be.
Just another step running circles in my head.

Theres so much going on in my life now.
It use to be the complete opposite.
Theres never a happy medium it seems.
Back then I would have killed to have something to do.
And now I would kill to have a week alone.
Theres so much I'm sick of. I hate this fucking routine.

:: 2008 21 September :: 3.33 pm

Were dead.

Some children died the other day
We fed machines and then we prayed
Puked up and down in morbid faith
You should have seen the ratings that day.

My mind is so fucked up I don't even know where to start.

:: 2008 15 September :: 11.15 pm

How to save a life.

Life is busy, and theres always so much stress.
I work no less than 5-6 days a week.
I skate Mondays.
Have 3 hours of school on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
And I'm starting bootcamp which is Mondays and Wednesdays.
I don't have enough time for my friends. And I don't have enough alone time.
And my time is never good enough for Greg.

:: 2008 21 August :: 8.38 pm

Wow! It's almost been a month since I've update, guess I've just had to much on the go.
Kisas finally back, but shes going to Disneyland for a week tommorow, but oh well whats another week.
Sammy got a job at Disneyland and shes moving to Flordia for a year sometime in the spring.
Kisas dad got posted to Ottawa and has to move there for two years she may or may not go with him, she wants to but I really hope she doesn't.
For once in my life I'm trying to go somewhere and do well in school but everything keeps getting screwed up, now I'm at a loss of what to do.
Works going well nothing to exciting although I wish I had a better paying job.
Theres lots to say but I don't really feel like typing so thats the best I got for right now

:: 2008 31 July :: 11.37 am
:: Mood: depressed

Your love means everything to me.

I've been so depressed lately.
I can say I don't know why all I want but I'm pretty positive I do know why.
I'm so afraid of being in love because I'm so afraid of being hurt again.
It's a pain thats almost unbearable and I don't want to go through it again.
And its to hard to believe anyone regardless of what they say. I know you can tell me you wont hurt me or that you love me. But theres almost nothing you can say that hasn't been said before.
I know you've never given me any reason not to trust you, and for the most part I do trust you I just can't fully believe that I'm not going to get hurt.
Why is the bad so much easier to believe?
At the same time, the way I feel will eventually push you away and I'll end up hurting myself.
And as much as I wish I could hold back, I can't help how I feel and I've already fallen in love with you, so what do I do?
Even if I tell myself not to worry and just be happy, its constantly in the back of my mind.
I know I'll drive myself mental trying to figure this one out. And I probably wont get anywhere.

Forget the risk. Take the fall. If it's what you want It's worth it all...

:: 2008 24 July :: 10.29 pm

To: get.your.gun
From: BankShot (Jesse)
Date: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:26 pm
Subject: Re: No Subject
thank you<3

Date: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:49 pm
Subject: No Subject

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tell me why your friends with me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because theres been so many times you've been there for me when no one else was.
No matter how many mistakes I make, or how stupid they may be you've always stood by me.
I can confide in you my most darkest secrets and trust you even if we aren't close anymore.
We've been friends for so long and both of us have gone through a lot of changes together.
And we've also made it threw some pretty rough times.
No matter how horrible I feel you can always put a smile on my face and no matter what we do I always have a wonderful time when I'm with you.
And you always have and always will mean a lot to me regardless of if were close or not.

:: 2008 18 July :: 9.11 pm

I need you like a heart needs a beat.

Tommorow is mine and Gregs two months. This past month went by really fast.
Work is going well my hours aren't that great but atleast im making money :)
I've been feeling really sick a lot lately. I think I just need vitamins or something.
I'm looking after this ladies dogs while shes away for the weekend and one of them has to stay in a crate and so obviously this thing doesn't want to get in and Greg was helping me, but really he was doing all the work and I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself.
Were celebrating my gradnparents 60th wedding anniversary tommorow.. I can't imagine being with some for 60 years thats insane. I hope I find a love like theirs.

& I believed in everything you said to me.

:: 2008 14 July :: 12.48 am

We get the same twelve months to fuck things up year after year.

I feel really ill right now.
Me and Greg are arguing.
Uh today was okay. Woke up hella early and went out to Sooke with Greg, Brett and Jada to play paintball!
We met up with some other people, some of them use to work at Canadian tire and there was like 10 of us so it was really good.
It hurt like a motherfuck though and it was bloody hott out. I also really suck at it.
After that me Brett, Greg and Jada went out to Sooke potholes and swam, we went to the part where there was like no one and when we got there the people were just leaving. It was so nice and beautiful. But I was climbing this rock and it was really slippery and it was a verticle climb and I got maybe about a foot up it and slid right down and bruised up my leg and arm and cut my knee.
But all in all it was a rather eventful day full of painful yet good times haha.
I seriously wanna get off this fucking Island and just be away from everyone though.
I'm so sick of living here, Jodi always has stupid people sleepover and shes such a huge lazy slob, I'm sick of living in this. ARGH.

TOTALLY FORGOT ITS POSTSECERT DAY.
Or was... up until like an hour ago

:: 2008 9 July :: 12.23 am

Count your blessings now.

So I finally put my two weeks in at Canadian Tire on the 2nd. I got a job at the video store.
It's a pretty chill job, other than learning all the computer stuff and when it gets hella busy. Otherwise I love it, and I don't have to wear a stupid uniform and I get paid more, and the hours are better.

Things with Greg are really good.

I'm lovin' life right now :)

Who knew?

:: 2008 27 June :: 10.59 pm

Let me go, I'm not done.

Well I can't believe it's been six years. I remember it all so clearly, even though I wish I could just erase it. I miss you so much it's unbelievable. I love you.

Other than that, I've been so depressed lately. I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm having severe mood swings and just can't get past it. I keep thinking just give it time, but I'm sick of always waiting for time to change things. And yes, I have tried changing things myself, but I always come back to this.

& I will try to fix you.

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