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Once upon a time, a Xhan lived here.

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:: 2018 4 October :: 8.23pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Sail" by AWOLNATION

*insert witty title for this entry here*
Hello my loyal minions! (Read: That one random person who happens upon my journal and doesn't immediately click away... xD)

I had an interesting thought today while I was, of all things, working on compiling the music list for my wedding, which is officially less than 3 weeks away. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm indulging in vodka as I write this. xD

For some reason, my brain decided to fixate on the idea of self-hatred tonight. Why? Because I hate myself. Nice, plain, and simple. x3

As someone who deals with a lot self-hate and over-criticizing myself, I felt the need to spell out a couple of assumptions that others seem to have. Of course, this is only in regards to my OWN personal experiences.

First off, hating myself doesn't make me incapable of loving other people. Like I spelled out in my last entry, there's a big difference between thinking badly of yourself and having no self-respect. I have a very bittersweet relationship with myself. I love myself enough to know that I deserve respect and decency from others, and to not be taken advantage of by people.

But in the deepest, most personal corners of my life, when people aren't looking, I judge myself on everything I do. I talk myself down, beat myself up, and am my own worst enemy. It's a struggle I face every single day. I can see the good in me objectively, and KNOW there are good qualities in me, but I never quite... feel them? It's a complete out of body experience when I look at myself in that way.

Another thing that might sound strange is that hating myself doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. I do struggle with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, and some days are definitely worse than others, but overall, I live a fairly happy life. I have an amazing support system in the form of a loving husband-to-be, an amazing family, and wonderful friends. I'm extremely lucky to have them all. <3 But even in the worst case, if I didn't have those things, I still feel like my brain is wired to find the best in the worst, and to laugh even when things seem absolutely hopeless.

I'm not saying it's good to hate yourself, or that you should settle for feeling that way. I just wanted to bring validation to people like me who are judged for feeling the way they do toward themselves. So many times I've heard "you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself", and I'm sorry, but I don't fully agree with that sentiment.

I do believe that you should KNOW yourself, and that you should RESPECT yourself, but I think the idea of LOVING yourself is too over-simplified. People like me might struggle all their lives to love themselves. Some might finally get there, others might only get to the point of seeing SOME good in themselves, and others might never get anywhere close. It doesn't mean that they're broken and incapable of loving others, and I think it's damaging to say otherwise.

AGH. That's enough serious talk for today. Besides, did I mention... WEDDING IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS?! My brain is practically fried with all the planning. I'm surprised it worked well enough to develop that thought. Music choices, decor crafting, dealing with friend and family drama... I'll be surprised if I remain sane until the wedding. ;)

Nah, I kid. I'm sane. Completely. Totally. *twitch*

Until next time, stay cool kids!

~ Squallet

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:: 2018 20 September :: 5.31am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "Dancing On Broken Glass" by Poets of the Fall

It was a long and winding road that led us here...
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not nearly that wise and insightful. x3

Yet again, years have come and gone, leaving the dust to settle on this little safe haven of my soul. I suppose it's time to update all of my horribly dedicated fans of all the updates in my life. *in a room of deafening silence, one random dude stands up and "whoo"s* Heheheh... thanks Steve... ^^;;

Well, I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the fact that, in one month's time, I'm getting married!! :3 Yeah, it turns out that crazy fool I was talking about in my last few journal updates was actually insane enough to stick with me all this time, and about 2 years ago, asked me to marry him. x3

Now, I could sit here and mush about all of that, but considering how much ACTUALLY planning our wedding has already killed my soul, I think I'll settle for mildly talking him up. :P No, but in all seriousness, he's amazing. We've been together for going on 4.5 years now and he's my absolute best friend and the best partner I could ever dream of. We've been through some crazy shit, but here we are, stronger than ever. I've never been the most confident or trusting person, but with him, I have complete trust and confidence and no doubt in my mind that for the rest of my life, even when everything else seems against me, he'll be in my corner and I'll be in his. <3 /mush

SO, talking about my fiance is actually a great segue for what brought me back to this humble little journal in the first place. See, earlier tonight, he introduced me to this great site that completely stole my attention away from him for the rest of the night. XD

Originally, he had me check out to see if any of my old YouTube channel survived after being deleted nearly a decade ago by my ex or his crazy ex-girlfriend, whichever it was. Sadly, while I was able to see my old page, the videos themselves are still gone, but that's okay. I've made peace with that. Hell, maybe I'll remake some of those old videos one day. :P

BUT! What really stole my attention was when I found a few old online journals of mine from like... HALF MY LIFE AGO that were archived. And holy hell... Let's just say they provided HOURS of entertainment for me. I was angsty as FUCK back when I was 14. XD I found myself calling past me out several times like "honey... honey, no..." o.o;;

One thing I noticed is that I had legit ZERO sense of self worth back then. Like, I'm still pretty harsh on myself nowadays. After all, my motto is "go ahead and hate me; you'll still never hate me as much as I hate myself *shrug*". XD Self-depreciating humor is kinda my thing. :P Is there some truth to it? Of course. But unless you're reading my mind (read: "this journal") or you're SUPER close to me, you wouldn't know that. The main difference is that I just stopped letting OTHER people treat me like shit and grew a fucking backbone. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm HELLA proud that I finally learned to love myself enough not to let other people walk all over me. And that's right! I said HELLA. DEAL WITH IT. XD

I was also HELLA (ha... I did it again...) judgy back then. Like, I had some supreme straightedge sense of superiority that actually made me gag a little reading it all. "Look at me! I don't do drugs or smoke or drink and I'm so much better than you!" Bitch, please, your entire stupid journal is about how in love you are with some online boyfriend that you never even met. Get over yoself. Also, your writing sucks. Learn you some grammar! xD

One thing I DID really enjoy, though, was that 14 year old me was ACTUALLY pretty damn funny. Like, a lot of things made me cringe re-reading these old journals, but sometimes I actually laughed non-ironically and was like "HA! I really haven't changed in that regard..." haha! I feel like, as a person, I was definitely an interesting and entertaining character, but I had none of the confidence to back it up.

I also literally just said WHATEVER the fuck I wanted to. I mean, that's the point of a journal, right? But I said it as if anyone reading it at random would actually give a fuck. Like it was the damn "Squallet Show". But that's what really stuck for me.

I realized that I don't ever just rant unfiltered like that anymore. Not to any one person, not to any journal... and my fiance suggested that maybe I should get back into posting, giving myself space to vent and personally work through feelings again. I mean, hell, at the very least, it makes for something great to look back on years from now to see where I was in life and not-so-silently judge myself. ;3

And thus, HERE I AM!! I mean, hell, I even updated my page's layout a bit! You know, mostly because I'm getting old and can't read MICROSCOPIC FUCKING TEXT ANYMORE. And, you know, because we're living in 2018 where the resolution size has either doubled to compensate a widescreen TV or shrunk to fit a mobile device. So hopefully it's at least a... little... easier... to read...? Maybe...? Who knows? I haven't been in the web design field for a while. XD

I thought it would be fun to take one of those dumb surveys I did back in the day on my old journal with my current day answers, but seeing as how this update post is already running pretty long... I'll probably opt to do that one next time. ^^; I'm gonna try to get back into ranting to my bitch heart's content on this thing more regularly, so don't worry, I'm sure you'll get your fill of my life soon enough... you weirdo... o.o;;

Until then, I have wedding planning that needs worked on... *silently sobs into an empty cup of vodka* Just one more month... XD Nah, but for reals, I shall catch you all on the flip slide of the screen. Until then, stay awesome. Squallet... signing off!!




:: 2016 30 April :: 9.41pm

Holy shit guys
I guess I don't care about the security of this journal entry. I'm not sure if I actually want to journal or just post that I'm alive.

Well. Here I am. Alive. Wheeeee.

I am too shameful to go back and re-read some of my entries but yknow lets look to the future and be bright about it, huh?

Lets see where she goooooeeessss

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:: 2015 8 October :: 7.52pm

stepping back onto old, familiar ground
I've been thinking about journaling again.

Life is busy and I don't have much free time to sit and write anymore but the thought is there.

So for now, hello woohu! I'm not sure who is left but I hope you're doing good and life hasn't been too harsh since I tapped out. The time I've been gone has been... rough. Got sick, nearly died. All good now, but I lost a few years.

Life is strange.

- xhan

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:: 2015 28 July :: 4.37pm

Stars when you shine,
You know how I feel.
Scent of a pine,
You know how I feel.
Oh, freedom is mine,
And I know how I feel.

It's a new dawn, a new day,
a new life for me,
And I'm feeling good.

[My actual entries are all friends only; feel free to add me!]

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:: 2015 8 May :: 3.38pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant

I swear I'm more than just a giant ball of angst... o.o
I randomly stumbled upon my old blog again. Funny how sometimes you just kind of come back to things like that. I have blog posts going all the way back to 2008, which is absolutely crazy to me. Then again, the Other Realm has been around since 2003, so I really shouldn't be all THAT astounded. xD

The last few posts were just dripping with angst, so I felt that I should actually post something aside from drama. To be fair, my life hasn't really had all that much drama in the past year. x3 Right now, it's Friday and I'm at work... and I just want to go home. I'm tired of staring at HTML. And I'm hungry. :P

What's on my mind lately? I'm glad you asked, nonexistent reader! Colossalcon!!! Pretty much the same thing that's always on my mind this time of year. It's the weekend I look forward to the most every year, getting to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and enjoying our nerdy interests together. Not to mention our drunken adventures. XD It's also going to be Aaron's first Colossalcon ever, so I'm SUPER excited! :D

There's another reason I'm excited about it, BUUUUT I'm reserved to silence for now. x3 Let's just say that it will be a very engaging time. ;3 I'm actually going to be donning two new cosplays this year too, which I'm super psyched for! Aaron, Brittany, and I will be doing a small Fairy Tail group, and I'll also be joining Britt in her Sailor Disney Princess group as Sailor Giselle. I went ahead and commissioned my cosplays from someone who knows what they're doing, because I'd rather pay a bit more and actually look cute. Plus, I like being able to give someone money for doing what they love doing. ^.^

Another thing I'm really excited about? I'm almost out of debt!! xD I've paid off almost everything, except for the money that I owe my ex from when we were living together, and I should be able to pay that off within the next month or two. So I actually find myself with a little spare money to spend, and the ability to ACTUALLY start saving for a house. Life isn't exactly going where I thought it would, but I'm okay with that. I have a home with the man of my dreams, and the future looks pretty bright.

Speaking of which, I'm going to take a moment to rant about this man. Why? Because he's amazing and this place is fairly anonymous as it is, ensuring that our friends and family won't be forced to read all this sap. :3 Throughout the years, I've had quite the string of relationships, some more successful than others. Being with him is completely different from all of those relationships. It makes me see why all the other relationships didn't work, and makes me wonder how I could have ever thought that any of them were the one for me - no offense at all intended to them - most of them are good guys. With him, I just know this is the one for the rest of my life, and I'm so thankful I found him. ^.^ <3

Weeelllll, my boss is back, so I have to cut this a bit short. But at least I've put a little more happy back into this blog. It really needed it. xD Until next time!


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:: 2015 4 February :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Always" by Dope

Venting to no one... I've missed it... :/
I hate myself sometimes. A lot of the time actually. I have one person in this world who knows me better than anyone. Who constantly puts up with my shit and still stands beside me. Who loves me despite my countless imperfections. And I know that in him, I've found my soulmate... I just wish I were better for him... Less neurotic and paranoid. Less selfish and judging. More kind and forgiving... I wish I were more like him... Every day I wonder what he sees in me. He's so beautiful inside and out and I'm just not even close to deserving of him. He tells me I've got it backwards, that I'm the one who deserves better, and how wonderful I am... But I just can't see it... I hurt him time and time again without meaning to... And I hate myself for it... I just want him to smile always. He deserves it more than anyone else... <3



:: 2014 16 December :: 3.29pm

"Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool, and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our loved is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer, and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well, what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.



:: 2013 13 November :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: broken
:: Music: "Save Me Once Again" by The Rasmus

I can't do this anymore...
I'm completely broken. I don't remember how it feels to be wanted. To just feel good enough. I feel suffocated... I feel dead... I feel like everything good is gone... :'(



:: 2013 24 May :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: Snow Angel - Mike Patton

Things should be perfect. I wish they were.

Almost 6 years with Luisa, and she somehow still loves me. Sometimes I wonder if I love her enough to make it even. I wonder if I can love anyone enough.

My friend committed suicide three months ago. I've been mostly torn up and confused since then. I remember a year ago when he showed up on my doorstep, he crawled into my arms and sobbed, and I held him for so long. His best friend had shot himself, using his gun, and I felt that heart wrenching guilt and frustration pouring out of him. I didn't think I'd need someone so soon to do the same for me... Hold me as I sob, thinking of his lifeless body hanging limp from a noose.

I got really drunk that first night. I drank. I screamed. I cried until my whole body felt numb and my throat ached. I vomited everything up I tried to eat, from the sheer emotional overload of pain and sadness. My friend. MY friend!

I guess I shouldn't be saying "him", no, that's not right. She. She. She. Her. She was trans. Her name was Lydia. She had a son, a girlfriend. We smoked pot and got drunk and played video games. We laughed so hard. We went to furry conventions in Pittsburgh even though she hardly knew what they were. But that was okay. She beat us in Dokapon Kingdom and we all plotted against her to make the game even again, but I guess we never got the chance. Ha... I guess that's okay. There are these little bits of data that are just her, lingering in strange places.

I remember the night she sat in my laundry room, after taking a gravity bong filled with that crazy legal shit, her face turned blue, and I held it between my fingers, straightening her airways as she convulsed and tripped absolute balls. She talked about it later, like it was some sort of life altering place, a place where she had to push through each of us, the people that meant the most to her, until she broke through the other side and was free. Each of us. Surrounded by shapes and a kaleidoscope of colours. I almost pissed my pants because I thought she was going to die, and she was having a revelation. Me and Luisa look back now, and we wonder just how much that time effected her, Lydia. If maybe it helped seal the deal, if somehow it showed her a way to cope or something she needed to reach again.

I had asked her to come hang out a week or two before the whole event. She had a new girlfriend, me and Luisa assumed she was just honey mooning, and that she was too busy. She kinda blew me off, and I just let it slide. Oh oh oh how I wish I didn't shrug that off. How I wish I had said "C'mon man, seriously I haven't seen you in weeks, you need to come hang out, no excuses." Why can't we ever say the things we need? Why do we fuck up over and over?

I know it wasn't painful, she did it slow, a loop of rope tied to the knob outside the door, tossed over the top and down. You just have to lean into it, just a bit. Not even much. Everything gets fuzzy, soft around the edges, and you pass out. In that moment you go limp. You lean harder, you hang, no air, no blood. A death you just... flop into. She was wearing a suit, the best clothes she had. She had a date, an important one, and she wanted to be dressed for the occasion.

Apparently they found her early enough the next morning that they could use her organs. Supposedly. I'm not sure. I often wonder if some day I'll see someone with her eyes. Will they give meaning to the loss? Will they finally give those eyes a beautiful new outlook on life?

We were the first people she told about being trans. She wanted desperately to transition, but with custody battles over her son and a religious family it wasn't something that came easy. We were here for her, we have other trans friends, and we supported her in everything. Sometimes I still come across mtf links online and have to shake myself because I'll go to her page to post them, only to realize she can't see them. Isn't that weird? Isn't that cliche? I never thought it'd be real life, to just... Not remember someone is gone.

I think that's the hardest part. It's those little moments, when we're in the pool and I remember her face, her laugh, the glint in her eyes when we'd get drunk and stumble around in the water like fools. The videos of us laughing around the hookah, sitting around in our boxers like it's just the naturalest thing that's ever been.

I took a bunch of pictures of her the last time she was over. I wanted to use her as references for my artistic endeavors. Those pictures kill me now.

They burned her body in a box, put her in an urn. Her mother wont release the letter she left. Her mother has mostly just gone insane, shunning everyone who meant anything to Lydia. Religious hatred is the only thing keeping her alive, I'm sure. It breaks my heart to see Lydia's facebook being altered, but I guess it's something that can't be helped. You can't hang on to things like that anyways.

Lydia... Hm. Lydia... What a beautiful name.

I've thought a lot about suicide lately. I got really drunk last night, got in the pool for the first time since her death. Hell, the first time since the last time we hung out. I took off my clothes and howled at the moon. I slept in a tent with my friends. I kissed one, and felt like sobbing. I don't know what sort of person I am.

I've got a gf, practically my wife. I've got a job, I just got promoted. I go cycling every other day and close my eyes as the trees blur by. I'm alive by all means, the best of means. And some days I'm filled with fear, with hatred, with bitterness and overwhelming sadness.

It's been three months, and today I listened to the song she left on her phone. She deleted almost all the pictures and videos, she left two of us, me and her. A few more. She set the phone to go off about every hour, the song "Born to die" by Lana Del Ray. I don't know why, but I listened to it today at work in the office. I just sobbed, I'd never heard it before except the haunting sound of it coming from her phone that night when I held her girlfriend as we all cried. I could imagine her sitting there, setting the alarms, listening to that song over and over again. The worst part is that I could see myself doing the same thing.

I don't feel very well. I'm a drunken mess, and I'm so depressed. I feel so alone. I feel like everything hurts and everything is hopeless and I don't know why the world is this way. I don't understand and it brings me to tears, and makes me sit alone at night, staring into space, just feeling the ache in my chest.

My heart pours out, and the droplets slip through my fists.

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