this reload time...


home | profile | guestbook

Once upon a time, a Xhan lived here.

recent entries | past entries


:: 2016 30 April :: 9.41pm

Holy shit guys
I guess I don't care about the security of this journal entry. I'm not sure if I actually want to journal or just post that I'm alive.

Well. Here I am. Alive. Wheeeee.

I am too shameful to go back and re-read some of my entries but yknow lets look to the future and be bright about it, huh?

Lets see where she goooooeeessss

1 had something to say. | speak?


:: 2015 8 October :: 7.52pm

stepping back onto old, familiar ground
I've been thinking about journaling again.

Life is busy and I don't have much free time to sit and write anymore but the thought is there.

So for now, hello woohu! I'm not sure who is left but I hope you're doing good and life hasn't been too harsh since I tapped out. The time I've been gone has been... rough. Got sick, nearly died. All good now, but I lost a few years.

Life is strange.

- xhan

3 had something to say. | speak?


:: 2015 28 July :: 4.37pm

Stars when you shine,
You know how I feel.
Scent of a pine,
You know how I feel.
Oh, freedom is mine,
And I know how I feel.

It's a new dawn, a new day,
a new life for me,
And I'm feeling good.

[My actual entries are all friends only; feel free to add me!]

1 had something to say. | speak?


:: 2015 8 May :: 3.38pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant

I swear I'm more than just a giant ball of angst... o.o
I randomly stumbled upon my old blog again. Funny how sometimes you just kind of come back to things like that. I have blog posts going all the way back to 2008, which is absolutely crazy to me. Then again, the Other Realm has been around since 2003, so I really shouldn't be all THAT astounded. xD

The last few posts were just dripping with angst, so I felt that I should actually post something aside from drama. To be fair, my life hasn't really had all that much drama in the past year. x3 Right now, it's Friday and I'm at work... and I just want to go home. I'm tired of staring at HTML. And I'm hungry. :P

What's on my mind lately? I'm glad you asked, nonexistent reader! Colossalcon!!! Pretty much the same thing that's always on my mind this time of year. It's the weekend I look forward to the most every year, getting to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and enjoying our nerdy interests together. Not to mention our drunken adventures. XD It's also going to be Aaron's first Colossalcon ever, so I'm SUPER excited! :D

There's another reason I'm excited about it, BUUUUT I'm reserved to silence for now. x3 Let's just say that it will be a very engaging time. ;3 I'm actually going to be donning two new cosplays this year too, which I'm super psyched for! Aaron, Brittany, and I will be doing a small Fairy Tail group, and I'll also be joining Britt in her Sailor Disney Princess group as Sailor Giselle. I went ahead and commissioned my cosplays from someone who knows what they're doing, because I'd rather pay a bit more and actually look cute. Plus, I like being able to give someone money for doing what they love doing. ^.^

Another thing I'm really excited about? I'm almost out of debt!! xD I've paid off almost everything, except for the money that I owe my ex from when we were living together, and I should be able to pay that off within the next month or two. So I actually find myself with a little spare money to spend, and the ability to ACTUALLY start saving for a house. Life isn't exactly going where I thought it would, but I'm okay with that. I have a home with the man of my dreams, and the future looks pretty bright.

Speaking of which, I'm going to take a moment to rant about this man. Why? Because he's amazing and this place is fairly anonymous as it is, ensuring that our friends and family won't be forced to read all this sap. :3 Throughout the years, I've had quite the string of relationships, some more successful than others. Being with him is completely different from all of those relationships. It makes me see why all the other relationships didn't work, and makes me wonder how I could have ever thought that any of them were the one for me - no offense at all intended to them - most of them are good guys. With him, I just know this is the one for the rest of my life, and I'm so thankful I found him. ^.^ <3

Weeelllll, my boss is back, so I have to cut this a bit short. But at least I've put a little more happy back into this blog. It really needed it. xD Until next time!


1 had something to say. | speak?


:: 2015 4 February :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Always" by Dope

Venting to no one... I've missed it... :/
I hate myself sometimes. A lot of the time actually. I have one person in this world who knows me better than anyone. Who constantly puts up with my shit and still stands beside me. Who loves me despite my countless imperfections. And I know that in him, I've found my soulmate... I just wish I were better for him... Less neurotic and paranoid. Less selfish and judging. More kind and forgiving... I wish I were more like him... Every day I wonder what he sees in me. He's so beautiful inside and out and I'm just not even close to deserving of him. He tells me I've got it backwards, that I'm the one who deserves better, and how wonderful I am... But I just can't see it... I hurt him time and time again without meaning to... And I hate myself for it... I just want him to smile always. He deserves it more than anyone else... <3



:: 2014 16 December :: 3.29pm

"Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool, and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our loved is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer, and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well, what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.



:: 2013 13 November :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: broken
:: Music: "Save Me Once Again" by The Rasmus

I can't do this anymore...
I'm completely broken. I don't remember how it feels to be wanted. To just feel good enough. I feel suffocated... I feel dead... I feel like everything good is gone... :'(



:: 2013 24 May :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: Snow Angel - Mike Patton

Things should be perfect. I wish they were.

Almost 6 years with Luisa, and she somehow still loves me. Sometimes I wonder if I love her enough to make it even. I wonder if I can love anyone enough.

My friend committed suicide three months ago. I've been mostly torn up and confused since then. I remember a year ago when he showed up on my doorstep, he crawled into my arms and sobbed, and I held him for so long. His best friend had shot himself, using his gun, and I felt that heart wrenching guilt and frustration pouring out of him. I didn't think I'd need someone so soon to do the same for me... Hold me as I sob, thinking of his lifeless body hanging limp from a noose.

I got really drunk that first night. I drank. I screamed. I cried until my whole body felt numb and my throat ached. I vomited everything up I tried to eat, from the sheer emotional overload of pain and sadness. My friend. MY friend!

I guess I shouldn't be saying "him", no, that's not right. She. She. She. Her. She was trans. Her name was Lydia. She had a son, a girlfriend. We smoked pot and got drunk and played video games. We laughed so hard. We went to furry conventions in Pittsburgh even though she hardly knew what they were. But that was okay. She beat us in Dokapon Kingdom and we all plotted against her to make the game even again, but I guess we never got the chance. Ha... I guess that's okay. There are these little bits of data that are just her, lingering in strange places.

I remember the night she sat in my laundry room, after taking a gravity bong filled with that crazy legal shit, her face turned blue, and I held it between my fingers, straightening her airways as she convulsed and tripped absolute balls. She talked about it later, like it was some sort of life altering place, a place where she had to push through each of us, the people that meant the most to her, until she broke through the other side and was free. Each of us. Surrounded by shapes and a kaleidoscope of colours. I almost pissed my pants because I thought she was going to die, and she was having a revelation. Me and Luisa look back now, and we wonder just how much that time effected her, Lydia. If maybe it helped seal the deal, if somehow it showed her a way to cope or something she needed to reach again.

I had asked her to come hang out a week or two before the whole event. She had a new girlfriend, me and Luisa assumed she was just honey mooning, and that she was too busy. She kinda blew me off, and I just let it slide. Oh oh oh how I wish I didn't shrug that off. How I wish I had said "C'mon man, seriously I haven't seen you in weeks, you need to come hang out, no excuses." Why can't we ever say the things we need? Why do we fuck up over and over?

I know it wasn't painful, she did it slow, a loop of rope tied to the knob outside the door, tossed over the top and down. You just have to lean into it, just a bit. Not even much. Everything gets fuzzy, soft around the edges, and you pass out. In that moment you go limp. You lean harder, you hang, no air, no blood. A death you just... flop into. She was wearing a suit, the best clothes she had. She had a date, an important one, and she wanted to be dressed for the occasion.

Apparently they found her early enough the next morning that they could use her organs. Supposedly. I'm not sure. I often wonder if some day I'll see someone with her eyes. Will they give meaning to the loss? Will they finally give those eyes a beautiful new outlook on life?

We were the first people she told about being trans. She wanted desperately to transition, but with custody battles over her son and a religious family it wasn't something that came easy. We were here for her, we have other trans friends, and we supported her in everything. Sometimes I still come across mtf links online and have to shake myself because I'll go to her page to post them, only to realize she can't see them. Isn't that weird? Isn't that cliche? I never thought it'd be real life, to just... Not remember someone is gone.

I think that's the hardest part. It's those little moments, when we're in the pool and I remember her face, her laugh, the glint in her eyes when we'd get drunk and stumble around in the water like fools. The videos of us laughing around the hookah, sitting around in our boxers like it's just the naturalest thing that's ever been.

I took a bunch of pictures of her the last time she was over. I wanted to use her as references for my artistic endeavors. Those pictures kill me now.

They burned her body in a box, put her in an urn. Her mother wont release the letter she left. Her mother has mostly just gone insane, shunning everyone who meant anything to Lydia. Religious hatred is the only thing keeping her alive, I'm sure. It breaks my heart to see Lydia's facebook being altered, but I guess it's something that can't be helped. You can't hang on to things like that anyways.

Lydia... Hm. Lydia... What a beautiful name.

I've thought a lot about suicide lately. I got really drunk last night, got in the pool for the first time since her death. Hell, the first time since the last time we hung out. I took off my clothes and howled at the moon. I slept in a tent with my friends. I kissed one, and felt like sobbing. I don't know what sort of person I am.

I've got a gf, practically my wife. I've got a job, I just got promoted. I go cycling every other day and close my eyes as the trees blur by. I'm alive by all means, the best of means. And some days I'm filled with fear, with hatred, with bitterness and overwhelming sadness.

It's been three months, and today I listened to the song she left on her phone. She deleted almost all the pictures and videos, she left two of us, me and her. A few more. She set the phone to go off about every hour, the song "Born to die" by Lana Del Ray. I don't know why, but I listened to it today at work in the office. I just sobbed, I'd never heard it before except the haunting sound of it coming from her phone that night when I held her girlfriend as we all cried. I could imagine her sitting there, setting the alarms, listening to that song over and over again. The worst part is that I could see myself doing the same thing.

I don't feel very well. I'm a drunken mess, and I'm so depressed. I feel so alone. I feel like everything hurts and everything is hopeless and I don't know why the world is this way. I don't understand and it brings me to tears, and makes me sit alone at night, staring into space, just feeling the ache in my chest.

My heart pours out, and the droplets slip through my fists.



:: 2013 30 April :: 12.49am

Really old Nutella mixed with cigarette ashes doesn't taste good.



:: 2012 24 September :: 7.12pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by The Offspring

This volume is already at max? Fuck.
Woohu... It's been too long. o.o;

I've decided that I really need to come back and start ranting here again. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my issues and all of that crap. Talking to people just ends up somehow making things more complicated in the long run. Not only then do you have an audience that you need to keep up to date, but then you have to deal with all of their insignificant judgments. It's easier to just rant to an empty text field on the interwebs. -nod-

Issue number one. I feel like the lowest piece of shit on the planet. Why? Because I probably AM the lowest piece of shit on the planet. >.>;; I've been trying to tell myself that I need to do what makes me happy and learn not to care what other people say about my choices, but when there's so much negativity around, how does one simply block it all out? o.o

For the past year and a half or so, I was in a relationship with this great guy. And by great guy, I don't just mean that he was some nice guy. I mean that he was the most amazing person - the type of person I would be LUCKY to marry someday and the kind of guy I could see raising my future kids.

Well, the point is, we had a great beginning, and then shit all started going wrong for us. Unfortunately, despite the amazing qualities he had, which I consider the important ones (honest, faithful, kind, compassionate, understanding, fun, etc.), he also had a few that wore more on my nerves every day (irresponsible, immature, annoying, etc.).

Suddenly, things that never mattered to me before, like financial security and being responsible and holding a decent job, were suddenly becoming qualities that I wished he possessed. Then again, with him living in my parent's apartment with me and me paying for everything for him with my shitty part time job, of course things changed. I'd never taken care of someone like that before... I was tired of feeling like he was my child and not my boyfriend.

Still... I feel like the most horrible person in the world for ending things with him. Even now, after a decent amount of time has passed and many sob sessions later, I still feel like shit. Especially knowing that he was seriously planning on proposing, and how involved we'd become in each other's lives...

Anger is the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears right now. And good music. Music helps. xD I'm so emotionally exhausted. And I'm just sick with myself for the things I've done. So no, I really don't need other people telling me how much of a fuck up I am. Trust me, I already know. >.>;

So now I've been seeing this other guy, but it's been complicated since day one. And to be honest, I'm sick of complication. Things with with my ex were so easy and came so naturally. We just started, and already I'm thinking that I should just end it. I don't know. I'm so dysfunctional... And my ex still being in the picture and constantly hitting on me now and trying to get back with me isn't helping any.

God, I fucking hate people. I just wish I could get away from everyone. I haven't been in one of these moods for a long time. I used to be so antisocial, and then suddenly, I was always out hanging out with friends and going on dates and... When the hell did I become such a social person?

Well, now I feel like reverting back to the antisocial me. At least for now. Things were so much easier when I was with my ex. It's like I'm just now noticing how much ending our relationship has kind of killed the me I was starting to get used to... I liked who I was with him. Yeah, I wasn't really going anywhere career-wise and I wasn't accomplishing the goals I really wanted to, but I liked myself as a PERSON for the first time in a long time. Now, I don't really like ANYTHING about me.


1 had something to say. | speak? | Random Journal