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mle (profile) wrote,
on 8-31-2005 at 11:08pm
Current mood: . miserable .
Music: . third eye blind . good for you .
. long time no post .

yea. the RA life has been interesting, to say the least. more some other time, i suppose.

it's all in your mind, she said
the darkness and the light
. third eye blind . thanks a lot .

i'm not going to lie - it's been a struggle to get through each day. especially since RA training started 2 weeks ago. especially since classes started 2 days ago.

i'm completely miserable.

and lonely.

and a failure at anything i could ever possibly think of.

i was telling marcus earlier... every single positive thing that's happened has had a negative thing follow immediately.
por ejemplo: my brother mentor (RA), rob, is an awesome guy. totally cool, helpful, etc. we talk a few times a day and eat together almost every day. but the more i talk to him, the worse i feel about myself and my life. he just seems to have everything together, seems to be in control, to have it made. he's got loads of friends, keeps in contact w/ tons of people from high school, smart, spirited, spiritual, cute, athletic. blah blah blah. me? oh yea - i'm that worthless blob that sits in her room all day, wavering back and forth whether or not she can sneak the door shut and cry herself into yet another nap.

i feel like my entire existence is leaning on marcus.
sure, i talk to ken a little. but i haven't in a while.

and based upon his reaction when he told me that one of our mutual friends almost pulled the trigger earlier in the year.. i have a feeling he'd freak if i told him that i think about it every day.


i tried talking to my mom a week or so back. just played it as homesickness (which it kinda is).
she kinda freaked out too. then changed the topic uncomfortably.

i can't seem to help it. i have no reason to feel happy.
i hate where i'm at in life, and i hate myself.

and reading about suicide for my social relations class isn't helping.
"if life is not worth the trouble of being lived, everything becomes a pretext to rid ourselves of it."

that first part hit me hard

"if life is not worth the trouble of being lived..."

i'm pretty sure that point's already been passed... a few miles back, in fact.
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09-01-05 11:18am

i don't know that i can help. but i do have a couple of suggestions.

the first is... i would try and get really serious with rob (not romantically), and tell him how it seems. how he has his crap in order and all that. maybe ask him how he does it. and i'd be willing to wager that he doesn't feel like everything is in order like it appears to you.

people think i have my crap together most of the time. oh, how wrong they are.

but that doesn't make me a failure. that makes me normal. they just think i'm better than i actually am. and it's quite difficult for them to live up to that expectation... to try and be better than the super-chris that they imagine i am. at least, that's my personal experience.

as far as live not being worth the trouble... i can understand the feeling. i've felt it before. but every time i realize... life may not be worth the trouble. but neither is dying. i think of how much trouble that would cause for all the people around me, and the people i care about. and those people, to me, are what make life worth living. the people whose lives i touch, without ever even realizing that i'm doing it.

that's what it's about.

to me, anyway.

and we still need to get coffee, dammit. i'm not giving up the ghost just yet. (i'm being funny about that last bit... just so you know. i'm not upset or anything.)

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