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allyson (profile) wrote,
on 10-4-2006 at 10:32am
Subject: I want a family of my own
I don't even know how to start this.

With Jared and Morgan, I always feel left out because well.. I'm not her real mother. So, things will always have to be discussed with another woman. It sucks that something so special that I waited to do. Jared has already done with someone else.

You always hear from people that the happiest day of their life was when they got married and then when they had their children. Jared's already had that and with someone else and I really don't feel like I should be a part of it. Especially not right now at that.

Jared always says you don't think our marriage is special. It's not that.. I'm just ready for the next stage in our marriage that he's already been in for 2 and a half years. I don't think he understands that we can't just pretend Morgan is mine forever. She calls me mom often with the occasionaly ada in there with it that (it's cute). The way I feel when she calls me that... man, I can't even imagin how it's going to feel when she/he is actually mine. I want that. But I can't have it.

For some reason going to get family pictures (I think) is going to make me feel like what we have is a real family for me. But it isn't. It never will be. There will always be someone else in the picture.

Does anyone understand how I feel?
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outsyder18

10-06-06 3:40am

It makes perfect sence to me. If this makes any sence, its kinda romantic you think that way.

(reply to this)
allyson

Re:, 10-06-06 10:29am

wow, that's the first time anyone has ever put that in a kind of good way.. romantic :) how sweet :)

(reply to comment)

rayray

10-06-06 5:22pm

I don't just have another person in the way, I have the whole family.

But I don't expect her to call me mom. I don't expect her to think of me that way. I don't count on that or look forward to that, or anything remotely close to that, because i don't want kids, I don't want to get married. Things may change, but right now, how am I supposed to handle a marriage when I am still shocked as shit that my relationship has lasted this long. (October 31st. will be 1 year.. with a couple of few day long break ups in there).

Just remember, i will be your surrogant (sp?) if you'd like. I think I'd have an easier time dealing with the whole pregnancy if the child wasn't mine. haha

(reply to this)

skife

Re:, 10-13-06 1:53pm

that would be weird i think rache.

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