::
2008 14 May :: 4.41 am
:: Mood: calm
Your love is like a rollercoster (bay-bahbaby) I want to ride!
I'm not really in the mood to type, but I know that I'll put off updating until forever if I don't do it now.
Violet gave me a little creamy rat, I named him Asher. He's like one fifth of Kale's size and Kale makes a point of reminding him every three minutes that he's puny.
He's also a ninja. Little beast got out of the cage three times. D:
I made the cage ghetto-rigged so that he can't get out anymore. Yay.
Um, ah. Blah. Played the SIMS2. Got boring. Seriously the highlight of my homelife is Jon. Which is great, I love that he's the reason I get up. I just feel like I never get anything done, and it's all my fault. I need to stop being a lazy bum. BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Yah.
~nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 11 May :: 11.22 pm
:: Mood: drained
Arrr, shiver me timbers~ Captain!
First off, I give kudos to egghead15229 here on woohu, because he finally explained somthing to me. I get why people can't be friends after they break up, most of the time.
But usually, it's me who wants the fries back. D:
Don't get it? Go look at his journal.
MEANWHILE!
I finally got some things done on my room. It's not clean or even close, but things are being cheerfully shoved into holes and such so that there is room for me to work in here. Seriously, I just need my own place so I don't have to cramp everything I own into one room. I own enough for atleast a one room apartment. Nick-nacks and such take up too much space, gorammit.
Tomarrow Jon comes back. I'm pretty excited. I love him alot. How scandolous, huh? Me. Saying I love him? It's one for the recordbooks. Then again he and I always did like to race ahead of ourselves.
Ew, my wrist is bleeding. I should go get a bandaid. There's this scar that keeps opening on the top of my wrist. It was a pimple at some point of it's life but got infected. Now it's this hole of death that is just gaping open at me. It's pretty nasty.
Oh yeah, I had a revalation tonight, it was the reason that I originally hopped onto woohu at the hour. My relationship with Peter was suspisiously akin to my relationship with Myke. How creepy huh? I spent a long time waiting for a chance to be with both of them, when I got them they were angels, we broke up, we got together, we broke up, we got together, and ultimately they both cheated on me. How weird. Here's a glass of orange juice to the hope and desire to never have to date again.
I gots me a man, thankyouverymuch.
~Nee
2 ~~~~~(Comments) |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 10 May :: 5.44 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I need a bigger trashbag.
It's been afew days since I last logged on. My computer still glares at me as I'm trying to set everything how I like it, and I'm abit lazy for lack of having done much in the past few days.
Jon and I have been laying around my room for almost a week, and it's been nice, lazy... but nice. I can tell that I'm becoming stir crazy though as I for the first time in three years had to go pace while I had a guest. I felt guilty last night, but it was short lived because my gloom cloud lifted quite abit afterward and I was able to be cheery and genuine. I think that my mood was effecting Jon as well, because I only saw him smile like he meant it afew times in the last two days and it kept me constantly on needles.
I need a new more stable job... so I can work on getting my own apartment. I know that some of this stress is living with mom's...um... I'll call it crazyness. Yeah. Plus I think that it'll improve my moods and such. I mean... I just need to know that I have somthing of my own.
Buuut, right now I'm all lonely because Jon's at dinner with his mom and his siblings, and I'm waiting for my cousin Sammy to get here. We're babysitting her for my aunt. Sammy is my aunt's youngest step daughter, and thus Laurie (my aunt) doesn't know what to do with her..She never liked kids. Now she has four.
Sammy's real mom didn't want to take her for mother's day, just the oldest girl Tory. It's sad really.
I was also consitering cleaning some things while Jon isn't here to distract me. And to that point... I'm feeling really insecure about Jon. Not like "will he leave me" insecure... more like "am I good enough?"
I found out that he graduated when he was 16. How cool is that? I couldn't even consentrate enough to finish pubic highschool. He's a computer master, I can barely turn on my PC. He finishes games in like a week that I take years on. It's.... degrading. I can't even heat up a bowl of spegettii. I mean, seriously! I'm not good at anything. More and more it seems like he doesn't get amused by my cute screw ups. He always just looks so bored when I'm around. I feel like I'm just this thing that skitters around and looks cute and ammuses him when he's so totally bored that he doesn't have anything better to do than look at me.
So basicly.
I feel like a pet rat.
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 1 May :: 2.14 am
:: Mood: ditzy
:: Music: "Vampire" by Antsypants (On the Juno Soundtrack)
MANLY MAMMOUTH
I went to see Kelsey tonight, that was special. She's not too happy about me being with Jon... but who honestly is?
Just me and Jon really.
It's all I need.
I've been obsessed with the Juno soundtrack for afew days now. I've managed to get "Loose Lips" stuck in my head, Jon's head, Mom's head, and the head of anyone who looks on my myspace. I like the acoustic catchyness of it.
I want to see Juno again tomarrow. I hope I have the mooneh.
I wish there was a way to cheat Bells on Animal Crossing. It's getting boring trying to pay off my morgage.
~Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 27 April :: 9.40 pm
:: Mood: impressed
:: Music: "Smack that" by Akon
Some days seem so ordinary. So right.
I'm sitting in my beanbag chair last night, with Jon sitting above me on my bed playing around on his laptop. I'm playing Shining Force on the PS2 I got for my birthday but never got to use. Mom and Overdrive are out taking care of my aunt and Jon and I have the house to ourselves... well, other than Rick, but he's quiet and only bothers us if we get near him. We'd already spent one night together, and made our dateing official earlier that day.
I look up at him, and he looks at me and we just kinda smile at eachother. We say something scandalous and go back to our respective games, and I know that I made the right choice.
Today I wake up and watch him sleep for two hours running my hands along his back and feeling the warm metal of his corset peircings. It's boiling hot in my room, and we're wrapped up in a blanket, both of us sweating our asses off. I play with his gotee for abit and wakes up and grins at me. I stick out my toungue and we make faces at eachother and say scandelous things for the seven thousanth time since we saw eachother two days ago. I feel safe for the first time in a very long time.
We eventually roll out of bed and he gets on my PS2 while I go and shower. I mull around after I get out, listening to messages and sighing because Violet wants to trade games back, which is fine. I go back into the room and cuss abit because in my feeble attempt to clean I put my DS with one of his games in a box and forgot which one, thus making this take longer than I want it to. I plop down in my bean chair again and close my eyes.
The other message on the machine was from dad. I have to call him back, and it's the last thing I can hande at this point. I have no urge at this point to ruin my good weekend, but Jon is leaving soon and I know that I won't be able to make it through the call without him to support me. Twitching I dail the number and start into the usual arguement with dad. He tells me I'm going to be a failure, then he tells me that as my father he can control me, then he starts into my mom. I don't take it, I fight back, I yell and out of the corner of my eye I notice Jon's lit a smoke. More fighting with father and I'm on the verge of tears, but I touch Jon's leg and maintain. Mom eventually calls and saves me from blowing up further. I hang on him and after a quick chat with mom I curl up with Jon and he kisses me.
"You were so stressed that I had to light a ciggerette..." He tells me, eyes showing that he was worried. I tell him that's how all of my conversations so with my father and he hugs me again.
I realize that I would have broken down without him there. It wasn't just human contact either. It was him. He's the other half of my soul. My...
- laughs -
My Nim-Raj, my Rex, my Ulfirc... my whatever you want to call it.
So here's so the little events. Cheers.
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 24 April :: 4.15 am
:: Mood: full
Friends? Friends.
I broke up with Violet tonight. It was... emotional. I knew that I needed to do it. I should have done it sooner...I should have done it before he had time to attach to me... I should have just KNOWN that my heart wasn't going to change. I need to get things set right, I need to know that I have no regrets. I need to take the path that my heart wants.
I should know better than to go against it. Some of my worst past trauma has to do with doing the opposite of what my heart wants.
So here I am, running down this path with my fingers crossed.
I seriously need to sleep. My brain gets too vaugue when I'm sleepy.
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 23 April :: 12.42 am
:: Mood: cranky
I'm a bit tipsy.
FIRST OFF: ALASKA IS NOT IN AMERICA, IT'S IN THE SNOW!
SECOND: I'MMA STUD, NOT A WHORE! Get it right people, if you're going to badmouth the Nee at least use the right terms.
THIRD: I HATE CLEANING.
I've been cleaning my room, and I ran out of garbage bags... leaving me in a hard spot here...and I found this random like... burgendy colored goo in a box and it's like... dry and semi-hard so when I poked it I thought it was solid but then it squished bit and I don't know what I should do because I need the box. It's one of those big plastic storage boxes... uck uck uck...
Things seem to be getting more complicated with Violet. I hate complicated. Since when does sex define a relationship? "Oh well, I guess you can come over... it's just because you're not wanting to have... you know... I mean we wouldn't stay up as late so I guess you could stay over and wake up early."
No.
I would have woken up, no problem.
BUT YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE MY VAGINA IS A HUGE PART OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!
God, am I that ugly? Am I that horrid to talk to?
Do I have no redeeming qualities?
Well, fuck then. If I'm that bad I should play the part. I'm drinking tonight, and guess what? I'm going to be calm for the FIRST NIGHT SINCE YOU FUCKING GOT HERE! How's that Violet? Since I'm so sucky when I'm not screwing you, I'll just go party and be made to feel like a cool person. Because I'll tell you I've felt like a lame ass freak since we started dating.
Now excuse me while I dance around.
-Nee
PS: GUESS WHAT! GETTING A FUCKING CORSET TO WEAR AROUND ME IS NOT A GIFT TO ME! I HATE THAT YOU FIT IN CLOTHES BETTER THAN I DO! I HATE THAT YOU CAN AFFORD THAT FUCKING THING AND I CAN'T! YOU WANT MORE MONEY?! STOP BUYING THINGS THAT YOU DON'T NEED! I BUY A SHIRT EVERY SIX MONTHS! I BUY PANTS ONCE EVERY TWO YEARS! YOU'RE DOING FINE!
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 20 April :: 5.56 am
:: Mood: content
"It's akward but shiney..." ^_^;;;;;
I think I finally fed Kale to his stuffing point. It's kinda funny. He's always so enthusiastic about food, so now seeing him avoid frenchfries all together... it's ultra cute.
I'm having some regrets about my recent descisions. Mind you they all have to do with my dating situation, and nothing to do with my freedom. I lloooovvveee that part. In fact I'm willingly putting off some things so I can party mooorrreee. :3 I am a par-tah pee-pole.
Or not. But I still love having all this free time and money. Woooo money.
I never found that ribbon... I should look again. Since I'm not really tired. And I have a loaf of jalapeneo bread waiting for me to eat it. Crystal told me that I lost my winter weight already. I think she was just being nice, but it made me really happy. Good friends are hard to find.
Kiss Kiss, please in the name of god! DON'T LOVE ME!
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 18 April :: 9.28 pm
:: Mood: creative
...and everything after that.
I've been looking for a purple ribbon for about an hour now, and I have no idea how the hell I cannot find one. I have three boxes of ribbon, so you'd really think that one of them (or even two) would have a small bit of ribbon.
Nope.
Oh well, I can stop being lazy and just find a clasp for the damned choker that I'm fixing. But the ribbon would be prettier.
I just got back from Nampa, went to play some games with Jon. It was pretty much epic, even if I got frustrated and threw my game around afew times. XD Oh yeah, and Level 100 KH playing is kinda fun, if not easy. Oooooooooh well.
Dad sent the ticket information to me today. His punishment for my being bad daughter is making me stay an extra seven days, bringing the total to 12 days. I'm going to be very unhappy. If nothing else I can sigh and stare at pictures of my boyfriend. D: I guess I should hurry up and make some appointments o get ready for the bombardment of questions that I'll have to endure. Oh yeah, and figure out how to tell everyone that I don't believe in god, since this is SO FUCKING the last time I'm going to see their abuse-tastic faces. I'll be sure to pack extra bandages.
Also, I have to pack up some boxes and get some of the junk out of my room. It'll be easier to move things around when I do that.
I changed my layout so somthing far more basic. I was tired of the wooshily colors.
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 14 April :: 7.27 am
:: Mood: bouncy
I am hunter of wild things. Ooh ah.
I think I'm turning to one of those people who works and then comes home to play games, then goes to a party, and workd again.
I haven't figured out if that's bad or good. Whoooooo knows?
Didn't sleep last night. Don't have to go anywhere today, so it's okay. I'm kinda digging on the idea of cleaning abit of my room. There is seriously a pile of Mightnight Milkyway wrappers ankle-deep next to my PS2. It's kinda funny really, because when I get frustrated at a game a stomp my foot in them and they fly averywhere.
It takes the annoyance away. XD
And I have about a thousand cans of Strawberry-Watermellon Arizona...I think I drank it to death becaus the idea of having another makes me want to gaaaag. Ugh ugh ugh.
Yay for woohu letting 100 new users sign up. It makes me lolololol with joy joy. XD Kinda feel bad for Violet because he payed money for his account afew weeks ago, though. Oh well. I likes the idea of a full site. Means new friends and fanz~
Oh my god, I should have slept last night. I'm getting sick. Crystal's going to kick my butt, because I said I was going to sleep but didn't. D:
____________________________________
Continued at 8:50
~~~
I cleaned some of my room and went to the park.
It was actually pretty interesting. There were some work exchange women picking up trash, I think I scared them because they all looked like I had a third arm sticking out of my forhead. I wasn't doing anything bad, just swinging. I took some pictures of them, and a short video while I was swinging. It's actually pretty badass, because I recorded some techno and they kinda fade further and further away while the bass is speeding up. I like it.
But I'm also sleep deprived. I'm pretty sure Myke would ammuse me to some extent right now... and I think he's the most boring guy in the world normaly. People who never surprise me seem to bore me now.
I hate people who leave their messengers running while they're at school/work/anywhere but infront of the computer. It seems really attention whorish. Like "OMGTHEYMIGHTFORGETMEIFI'MNOTINVEIWCONSTANTLY".
I've never had the urge to do that sort of thing. I get on so I can talk, not look pretty. I go to parties to look pretty.
Therefore these people need to party more.
Or have more friends in real life.
Or somthing.
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 13 April :: 11.52 am
:: Mood: confused
I smell like cat piss and I'm sore.
There's a thousand places I'd rather be right now, and a thousand people that I'd rather be talking to, but I'm here by myself thinking of you. I'm getting tired of this, and I know you are too, but how can I just throw things onto the table? I'm not that open! I just learned how to play, there's no way I could keep everything, everyone if I did things right. If I did them wrong...?
He asked me to be honest, and I usually am. But I can't help but hide. I want to feel your eyes changing coloers baby. I want to feel myself moving through a forest, running like I can't be stopped. I feel like that with you, I'm free in the most beautiful sense of the word. I can't understand myself half the time, I'm all wrapped up in plastic...dull without you looking into my eyes to reassuringly.
So you mean for those eyes to look for that? Do you mean to look at me and absorb me into your body? What should I think if you're just as scared as I am? Would I be afraid? Would you even tell me if I was wrong?
I hate this. I suddenly feel so alone.
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 11 April :: 4.55 am
:: Mood: determined
"God help the sister, who comes between me and my man~"
When was the last time that anyone watched "Mad About You"?
That TV show that was on in the 90's...?
I'm watching it right now and I can't believe anyone liked it. It's very... boring.
Earlier today I was walking around and thinking and I realized that I'm restless. Not about working, or about my future. I'm restless because I never really went to wild parties and did things that I don't remember. I do go out alot, and I do hangout with alot of people... but I don't get wild often. Sure, wrestling with friends and drinking alot usually is wild enough, but I've always wanted to be in a situation where I woke up somewhere I don't know and laugh about it. When I wake up in my underwear and pull on someone else's clothes and sneek out with a bewildered grin on my face. I've missed countless pool parties and keggers in my life.
I was too mild as I grew up. I can't help but wonder if I would have done cooler things if I wasn't so wrapped up in trying to get people to like me. Like Ana for instence. I spent years trying to be small enough and agreeable enough to be her friend, but in the end she just ends up being the same dumb-ass bitch that I always knew she was. But, she is popular.
Is it because she didn't care about all the rumors that go around about her?
It's very possible.
Now though, I'm becoming more and more un-interested in rumors. All of my intrest lies in the fact that they exist and they amuse me. Seriously, I got looked at like a crazy fuck when I actually sat up wide eyed in excitment when Violet told me that Nonomi was talking shit on me.
Am I becoming more popular? Kinda, I guess. People like me, and the ones that don't always seem so insecure when I look at them. It's odd that I didn't see it before. My friends are more loyal, and the ones that aren't... don't bother me anymore.
So I guess it's not so bad that I didn't get wild.
[This is another friendly revelation from Nee's journal.]
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 10 April :: 2.44 am
:: Mood: enraged
Rant rant rant rant.
You know, Rick almost redeemed himself.
And then those cursed words came out of his mouth.
"Wanna make some cash?"
And then suddenly I hate him again. I do want to make some extra cash. It all seemed so easy. "Print me off some fonts, okay? Just the alphabet." So I went. I found the fonts. I printed them off. They weren't big enough. I do it again. Word crashes.I take the font to Paint. I print it, it's not clear enough. I take it to Photosuite. The font itself suddenly doesn't exist. I re-find it and print it out, after arranging it on a page to fit perfectly. I run out of paper. I find more paper. I PRINT IT AGAIN. He doesn't like it.
I throw a fucking bowl at him.
FUUUUUCK.
I have a new digital camera though.
Yay.
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 8 April :: 2.01 am
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Nothing.
Moonlit candle fire.
It's kind of ironic that I'm sitting here at the computer with my room lit by candles. It's like a battle of light sources.
Anyway, I'm tired of waiting for mom to get home. Bleh. I've been waiting for dinner since 8. She's keep calling to tell me that she'll be right home. No-one tell her, but I already ate. Still, we've been so busy with work things that neither of us have had time to sit down and talk about anything. It's a shame.
So I heard from Peter's journal that things for graduation came it. It's funny because I didn't buy a gown or anything at the time, because I was too forcused on getting a ring. I guess that I had my mind made up back then too. I'm such a smartie. :3
I'm actually pretty calm right now, consitering everything that's happened this week. Violet's here and I helped him move in, yay. I think he'll make it juuuuuust fine here (even if he's abit nervous). I've been sleeping better, eating better, speaking better, and just being more happy. I don't even care that Rick's here all the time still. I'm like a new person. I like it. I even lost afew pounds. <3
That being said, I've had alot on my mind. Alot of just... random things yanno? Like about my future and how I'm going to live. About how mom's doing with her illness, and how I'm going to make it a month from now. Thinking about my love life, and how I'm going to set myself up. Silly things that add up to big daydreams. How interesting.
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 4 April :: 8.54 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: "Die my bride" by a band I don't know.
Because I worry all the fucking time.
I have two interveiws on Monday and a full weekend planned.
Violet is finally coming down, and I get to help him move tomarrow. :3 With luck I'll be staying with him tomarrow night as well. It's like... 17 hours left and every second that I have to wait seems to tick by so slowly.
I'm so nervous to see him again, I'm afraid that I've somehow changed since AO and he's going to look at me and change his mind all of a sudden. I keep standing in front of my broken and looking at my stomach, wondering if it's gotten bigger, and wondering if my boobs have gotten smaller, and wondering if my face has gotten bloated, or if my nose got bigger. All of the flaws that I've worried about all through highschool seem to be on the front line. All of my scars seem deeper and darker and less healed...
It's so stange. I'm always so confident in myself, somtimes TOO confident... but this one guy makes me feel like a little kid. Like that 14 year old girl grinning stupidly at the 19 year old redhead on the couch of Logan's basement. We both knew that there was somthing between us, and it meant nothing to hide from it, but I felt so young, like I had to step softly and stick out my chest and seem older and more mature and less... little. It's been years since I felt like that, and suddenly here I am having the same feelings and worries. If I wasn't so nervous I would be laughing at myself about it. I'm 18, I've had more adventures that most of my friends, and I've gone through so much, hell I'm old for my age and I have the jaded look of someone who's been too many places and seen death up close. My friends tell me that I act too cool sometimes like I can't be bothered, and some people look up to me because I'm like a cooler version of their mothers...
And yet here I am worrying about a 6 year age difference?
Is there that much of a difference between him and me?
I don't think so...
Oh well, I'm a worry wart.
Here's a shotglass toast to the world and everyone who's against me, and another shotglass toast to the nay-sayers and the fuddy-duddies. I will however not toast the people who don't even talk to me and spread rumors anyway. You got two toasts already, bitch.
-Nee
2 ~~~~~(Comments) |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 2 April :: 9.07 pm
:: Mood: chipper
Six in the morning is nothing.
So guess what. I got my freedom. I'm going to have a job by tomarrow and my life is going to be beautiful. I can't wait.
With me luck.
Not like I'll need it.
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 31 March :: 11.48 am
:: Mood: chipper
Dedicated
So, after spending some time with Jon, and having him launch dedication attacks to Izzie it got me kinda in the mood to... DEDICATE!
So here are my dedications, music wise to as many people as I can think of. :3
_____________________---
To myself: "Nrrd Grrl" by MC Chris
To Violet: "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge AND "When You Were Young" by The Killers
To Peter: "Smile" by Lilly Allen
To Izzie (appearantly?): "Misery Business" by Paramore
To Jon: "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavinge feat. Lil' Mama
To Ana: "Love me or Hate me" by Lady Sovereign
To Crystal: "I am Not Your Gameboy" by Freezepop
To Robbie: "Smell yo Dick" by Riskay (XDDD I love you bro.)
To Cassie: "Fagget" by Mindless Self Indulgence
To: Kelsey: "Heart Shaped Glasses" by Marilyn Manson
To God: "Goodnight and Goodbye" by Jonas Brothers
-Nee
5 ~~~~~(Comments) |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 30 March :: 9.37 pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" by Bloodhound Gang
I pull your hair when you die.
Sososososososo.... Last night of spring break. How sad, I should light a memorial fire. My break was... really really good. :3 I had so much fun. I'm glad I let loose.
I'm actually really exaused and sore from all the things I did. It's good kind of exausted though. I like it. I want to have it all the time. I'm looking for a job between my woohu-breaks. It's kinda scary. I'm almost in the real world, fools. D:
Violet is going to be in Boise less than a week from now. I'm excited and nervous and bouncy. I'm looking forward to it. I can't decide if I'm going to glomp him when I see him or make him glomp me. Both seem like great ideas.
So I'm hanging out with Jon again. As friends. It's interesting, I missed our laughing at games and makeing crude jokes. He played Heavenly Sword and we couldn't stop joking about his... "Twing Twang". Lolololololol~
And yeah. Tune in next time for an update about my first day back to school.
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 27 March :: 6.02 pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: Watching the Simpsons
Rat's nesting.
I've officially decided that Kale is a party animal. I was watching him being cute and decided to hold him for awhile. Well, I opened the cage and he darted out to grab some of my pizza. Imagine how much ammusment I had while drinking as I fed him my scraps. It ammused me. He's getting fat, but it's okay. He can be fat. Now he's all hyperactive and cute running around my feet.
I loves him, yus I do.
I'm hungry. Juuuust thought that we all needed to know this.
-feeds Kale a corn chip -
Kiss kiss, you know you love me~
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 25 March :: 10.14 pm
:: Mood: Exotic
:: Music: "Shut Up and Drive" by Rihanna
Reposted from Myspace (Title: All about Freedom)
When I was younger I was abused in lots of ways. This resulted in my becoming very co-dependant on anyone who I saw as able to save me. This led to lots more abuse and me becoming very warped in my perception of good and bad. When I had those perceptions put back in order pretty well I was still co-dependant and still looking for someone to save me.
This led me astray all through highschool, and I almost married someone just to be safe.
Now as I’m looking at my life from a thin glass wall, about to decide what I want to do with my future I’m at a total loss. I know that I love myself, and I’m over the co-dependency thing mostly. I know that I don’t want to go to arts school. I know that I want to stay in Boise, and I know that I want to be with someone here in town (or rather, is about to move to town). I know that I can’t take a job where I have to sit down for hours. This leaves limited job choices. I want to have the freedom to party and be dumb because I’m still young and eventually I’ll not be spry enough to bounce like a giddy girlie anymore. I know that I have to start saving up to start a family when I find mister right, and I know that I don’t want to live behind a white picket fence.
So here I am, being young and unrestricted and demanding freedom, but unsure how to find it. Or who to look to for help. Oh well. I’m happy in my confusion, and I’m more confident that I’ve ever been because I have the security of knowing that I don’t have to impress the world. Or even have friends.
But you know what? I have more friends now then I have ever had because of my new attitude.
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 25 March :: 2.20 pm
:: Mood: hyperactive and overjoyed
:: Music: "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park
Just a hop and a skip to amusment.
A pretentious dumbass once wrote: "Inverse: Anticipation of sex is better than sex itself."
Well, he obviously never got around to getting laid by a sex-goddess. Oh wait, I knew that already. Lulz.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting in my super-clean room in shorts and a tank doing sit ups. I know I know it seems dumb but every girl goes through the stage when she realizes that she wants to look awesome for the new guy on the block. It may be futile, and I know that in three hours I'm going to want some fucking icecream... but oh well. It's fun to bust a gut while listening to 80's rock anyway.
My Spring Break has been pretty lazy. I love it. I haven't even turned on my PS2 or GameCube or DS. I've just been dancing or party-ing or talking to friends. It's refreshing.
Cheers to refreshment! - clinks water bottle with my readers -
Kiss kiss you know you want me.
(In your pants!)
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
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2008 24 March :: 10.04 pm
:: Mood: Overwelmed
:: Music: "DYZS" by Daft Punk
I'm not afraid of a little blood, but she is.
Today Kelsey and I did a long over due photoshoot. It was random and funny and cute and very eye opening. I found out that I want to learn about costume makeup and I want to be better at it. I'm not terrible, but I want to learn how to make a person become a 'character'. It's kinda got be excited, you know?
Also today... I found out that Violet is making efforts to move here to Boise... this is like... mind blowing for me. You see... I don't know what I'm going to do with my heart if he comes here. Up until AO I was sure that I was falling in love with Nick... but... Violet made me rethink things... Nick and I fought over it as well... but that doesn't matter logically because he and I never dated. Still... I was content living my life knowing that I liked Violet alot, but had Nick here... so logically (again) I had to choose Nick as my first string player...
Now I know that Violet is going to be here... and I adore him. I wish I could see him right now, during every moment that I'm awake. I'm wondering if it's just puppy love? Or even that I'm just some dumb kid and I'm idolizing this older man whom I might not even know anything about!? I mean... Who's to say that I know what I want? I don't even know what I want past highschool, I can't make up my mind. Everyone's options seem so bland and... just yuck. I want to be a 50's home maker honestly... but this is 2008 and no-one can afford that anymore. Sure... I want to make a living and keep whoever I end up with happy... but that's my goddamn problem...
WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW ABOUT LOVE OR SOULAMTES?! I say I want to devote myself to whoever I love... but what in Kuja's name does that mean?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at myself or anyone else. I'm content in my confusion. I'm just abit frustrated because frankly... I want to run away still. I though that it would pass... but I still want adventure. I hope that I can find some adventure here before I explode. Nothing seems to satisfy me anymore. Even school seems so pointless when I look into my heart and try to figure out what I want.
There's this circle of knowlage in my head right now. It keeps telling me that if I killed myself I wouldn't need to worry about anything. It's got nothing to do with emotion, or depression, or anger. It's a chunk of knowlage. Simple as that. Thing is...
My heart doesn't want to die. I'm not even slightly intrested in it right now. Thinking of it doesn't even get me scared or upset. I just know that I don't want to die, calm and clean thoughts.
But I do know that it'd fix my problem if I died. I don't know ifanyone understands my logic here... oh well.
In other news I think the gash on my knee is all infected... yuck. I should bandage that. I think I will...
You know you love me (or somthing like it )
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
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2008 24 March :: 2.23 am
:: Mood: naughty
:: Music: Somthing or anpther...
I miss knowing that when I walk through that door... you'll smile.
So I've been testing the waters of this Spring Break thing. It seems to be safe enough, as Kelsey and I clean my room. That's a bloody lie. She's cleaning and I'm talking to Violet. But! I'm out of the way so that's helpful... right?
Right.
So I'm so freaking happy right now. A combo of narsisim and adoration for the male body is making me spin my hair in giddy wonders. Kelsey was a bit impressed by the show as well.
As of right now, I want a teleporter and a bottle of 44.
OVer and out.
Kiss Kiss, you know you love me.
_Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
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2008 21 March :: 8.37 am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: "Mary Pretends" by FUEL
You just did it to say, you didn't have to do it but you did anyway...
This is really weird. I'm not wearing any jewelery at all.
No wait, I have moonstone earrings on. Which is ironic because I never wear earings. I think it's a statement on how fucked up my life is this week. Everything is different. This isn't what I asked for at all, I wanted chance but this is absurd. I wanted somthing to improve my life not throw me back... Careful what you wish for, no doubt.
Today after school is officially the begining of my spring break. I'm fairly excited about it you see. Mind you I have nothing whatsoever to do this upcoming week but my new sense of urgency will no doubt thrust me into a situation that only I can overcome. I want to take a road trip... I wonder if Jessica will driiiiiive with me. Unlikely, but yanno. Wishfull thinking and all that emo-tastic crap.
I'm actually looking pretty casual cute today. I didn't expect my oversleeping to give me a good outfit. I'm even wearing less makeup. I feel nekkid~ Also, I was thinking of Beau today as I looked on myspace. I wonder if he's all alone and sad. I hope not, no one deserves to be worthless. But it does piss me off that I can't read his journals. I'm just that fucking snoopy! Anyway I'm going to go do random things now.
Kiss kiss, you knw you love me!
-Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 20 March :: 8.55 pm
:: Mood: gloomy
Like an animal!
Life is a pain.
Ana has decided to not be friends with me, which is totally random because she won't even tell me what I did to deserve this. She's put on a grand display of pussy footing around me and ignoring my existence. Crystal told me I should have expected this to happen eventually. That's so fucking dumb, no friend should ever have to prepare for this sort of thing. Fuck that. I'm giving up an trying to talk to her though. She's just so fucking DRAMA.
Found out today for sure that I'm not going to graduate. I might make it in summer school. We'll hope for that.
I miss Violet and Jim. D:
And I'm going to go clean shit because I'm pissed.
-Nee
Kiss kiss, you know you love me.
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 18 March :: 11.52 am
:: Mood: anxious
I'm looking for guard dog.
Last night was... complicated. Everything seems so complicated since I left AO...
Well, not everything. I know how I feel about all the things that happened, I'm not even slightly guilty for anything I did. I just don't know how to organize anything so that I can make it work. I am just so fickle. No. No I'm not. I just don't have any esire in my heart to choose between the two men that I honest to god want to be with evenly. I know that logically I can't have both, because it's like... illigal and shit, also one or both would flip if they knew that I felt this way (ahhhh, the wonders of keeping my journal from the ones I like). But still, still...I guess I shouldn't worry too much. One's far away and one's right here where I can have him. Logially I should choose the one who is here with me.
And I want to, it's a fact.
But it's also a fact that in the event that the other one comes to visit I will have no choice but to devote myself to him for the length of his trip. That's how my heart feels. I can't hide from the heart anymore. That's what ruined my dating Robbie and that's what ruined my dating Brandyn. I just need to losen up.
Yeah, me and the rest of the world...
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
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2008 17 March :: 12.39 am
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: "Maneater' by Nelly Furtado
If kisses were fishes I'd be watching exotic fish from everywhere.
So, to those who didn't know, I was at AO this weekend. I did alot of confusing things and kissed alot of peope for alot of reasons. I got drunk and spilled my guts (and everything in them ) to people I hope to know forever, and put all of my trust in one single person.
And he saved me from my fear.
I lifted up short skirts and found out which friends are the ones I need to get off my ass and ditch.
-Nee
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 10 March :: 11.32 pm
:: Mood: awake
Aum, aum.
On thursday I wanted to kill myself.
On Monday I felt the same.
Now on Tuesday I am not feeling so bad, but missing the sun. Tomarrow, when I get home... I'm going to sunbathe. I swear to god I'll do it. Just watch. Seriously, I'll be in the truckbed if anyone wants to chat. Call me, I'll be home until 5:30.
-Nee
Kiss kiss, you know you love me.
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 3 March :: 3.43 pm
:: Mood: grumpy
Fuck you and your fucks.
There are two times in the day when people can make me really slam doors and be pissed off. This is before I go to school, and when I'm walking in the door from school. Ten minutes before and after these times are hot zones which I am a very volitile chemical. Having lived with this for 18 years, my mother knows this.
Rick however, does not. In the FOUR weeks that he's been on my couch he has had no time to observe this in action. I am a generally roll-with-the-punches calm girl so how could he have known that I can explode?
This my friends is no excuse to drink the one single Mountain Dew that I had been saving since Thursday to drink on Monday. There is no excuse ever for drinking from a bottle covered in black sharpie screaming "NEE'S DEW! DO NOT TOUCH! NEE'S BOTTLE! DO NOT DRINK!". I don't care if he's going to jail, he's got nothing to complain about. Seriously, I don't want him here, I never did.
So I hope I woke him up from a wonderful dream when I slammed the door hard enough to make the lamp fall on him this morning. It serves him right.
~Nee
1 ~~~~~ |
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
::
2008 2 March :: 3.14 am
:: Mood: calm
Deep breath... in... out...
-deep breath -
Okay. Okay... okay I've calmed down, played some Dark Cloud, and eaten a taco. I'm okay. My life won't end, nope. Nope. Okay, I'm abit stressed still but I'm calm now which is improvement.
My life isn't crashing to the earth in flames, it won't even really matter if their married or not. They already act like they're married so home life won't actually change. I don't have to take anyone's last name. I don't have to answer the phone for him. I'll be fine. Right. Fine.
Yep.
Fine.
I just have to watch them walk down the isle.
Part of me hopes that Kelsey won't go down there with me, so I don't have to go either. The other part wants her to come because she'll be abandoning me soon, and it might be our only chance to have money to blow on vacation together. Ugh.
-Nee
In other news, I lawled.
(Comment) Baaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
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