::
2008 11 August :: 3.35 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Chris Brown - Forever.
So it's official.
I have the best life ever.
Even though I'm losing my mother, sister, and entire family.
I'm okay.
Because I've given up the drama and the struggle of trying to please and appease.
Given. Up.
I'm perfectly content to take the boys to the zoo with my amazing Alex.
My friends are more than enough.
And! I've got about 3 weeks left before I'm out of here.
Can I get an amen?
I say I'm done a lot, but I'm thinking it'll really happen this time. It's hard not to fall back into it when you live with all of these people.
This is me, resolved to be carefree and my goofy self.
This is me, out.
4 for meg |
[x] |
::
2008 3 August :: 10.36 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
I can hardly find time for leisure these days. No knitting, no crafts, no design, no photos, and (gasp) no internet.
So I apologize that you've suffered.
I've just been so busy.
And it sucks being busy, that's for sure.
But it definitely sucks more having nothing to do.
Having your phone obliterated by some drunk tool kind of sucks as well.
But hey.
I'm not about being petty.
Besides, my darling of a boyfriend bought me a shiny, shiny new one.
It's a new color, too.
..which totally makes me sound petty, right?
Well whatever.
Happy birthday, mom.
The end :]
6 for meg |
[x] |
::
2008 26 June :: 2.52 pm
Ergghh.
I woke up today and tried to roll out of bed, but the medicines mixing in my system rendered my legs noodles, and so I stumbled sideways to the stairs.
I can't be mad, or blame anyone for this.
I can't call someone and ask for the ride to stop, to be let out.
But I can be disheartened, and I can cry.
I can hold my boyfriend and sob into the wee hours of the morning, get up and tote Emilio around between periodic gross diapers to keep my mind busy, and I can sigh as loudly as I want to.
It's just one thing after another, you know? And it's getting kind of old.
Extremely fucking old.
I'm tired of biopsies and bloodwork and anxiety medications.
I'm grateful for them, but I'm still exhausted.
Leveling myself out has never taken so much tipping.
[x] |
::
2008 8 June :: 11.34 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Epica - Solid Ground.
Living at different paces. Evading into various spaces.
I write a lot because I feel a lot.
I feel a lot because I watch a lot and I have a condition where I can't help but say what I honestly think.
About everything.
And I think I'm about done with this shit.
I'm tired of reading things no one even cared about when they wrote them. I'm tired of people thinking they're right and wholly justified because they call themselves a feminist, or person of faith (to name a few).
But people are people and they can't help it if I hate them.
I have hardcopy journals that I write in, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have great real-life friends, a little boy who is crazy about me, and plenty of music/graphic/knitting/art projects that I can spend my time on.
Plenty of you have my number and yep, I have texting! but I'm looking forward to devoting my time to things like.. hot baths and good books.
And all of the aforementioned life loves.
So like I said, this shit is done.
For now.
1 for meg |
[x] |
::
2008 8 June :: 1.19 am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: Michelle Featherstone - Sweet Sweet Baby
Congrats, Toby! ..and other things.
Sweet, sweet baby, I said maybe - maybe you should stay with me.
Sweet, sweet baby, I think maybe - maybe you shouldn't leave.
Sweet, sweet baby, I go crazy - crazy when I think of you.
Sweet, sweet baby, I go crazy.. if I can't cuddle up to you.
So baby, oh baby, please don't go.
Yeah baby, oh sweet baby. Please don't go.
You're the only one, you're the only one.
You're the only one for me.
Sweet, sweet baby, can you save me? Save me from a night without you?
Sweet, sweet baby, can you save me.. the way that I am going to save you?
So baby, oh baby, please don't go.
Yeah baby, oh sweet baby.
You're the only one, you're the only one.
You're the only one for me.
CONGRATS, TOBY!
You've officially completed your high school obligations!
Alex celebrated his 21st birthday Friday night. Oh, a very drunken, belligerent birthday it was. Eleven shots and four beers later, I was blessed with the dear obligation of driving my (not so) charming darling home and dragging his giggly dead weight into the house.
After he coated the lawn in vomit.
**Pictures later, when I swindle the SD card out of his camera.
He crawled around the house sans pants, fell out of his bedroom window, spewed chicken and Liquid Cocaines all over the deck, and fell asleep on said deck before (his mom) Lynn and I dragged him into the sunroom. Everything he said was sung.
"IIIIII puked chickennnn alllllll overrrr the deck! Hey hey! BUFFALO-WILD-WINGS! RAHHHH!"
Nevertheless! I was a loyal girlfriend/best friend and stayed up all night with him, making sure his head was in the bowl while he puked in his sleep, and changed his towels frequently.
My boy, who has never really been a big drinker, ever, has learned his lesson.
He had a lot of time to think about it as he curled up on Toby's couch at her open house today.
But even a miserable Alex Drayton is a fun Alex Drayton! And a fun Alex Drayton is always ready for pics (as long as fans and patrons remember to turn off all flash mechanisms)!
Alex sports Toby's stunna-shades indoors because sunlight is no hang over's friend.
Even though he was getting over being (but still kind of) drunk, I look more toasted in half of the photos.
But whatever.
We had us a decent Saturday. One filled with open house food, naps, and the Kung Fu Panda.
And that awesome peanut butter chocolate pie I conned him into buying me at BDubs.
All in all, moral of my story and shoddy update is this: girls, make sure that when you tell a man you love them - you realize you're also signing on as a babysitter for their 21st :]
I'm just an incredibly lucky girl. My boyfriend happens to be my best friend.
So really, nothing grosses me out or surprises me much anymore.
There's my half-assed update - because I'm busy again.
It's still storming outside. I love it.
1 for meg |
[x] |
::
2008 2 June :: 9.43 pm
:: Mood: refreshed
I woke up today obligation-free.
I knitted, tanned, and looked at the Saturn Sky my step-dad has been eying.
I watched the LotR finally, by myself, because no one else has been willing.
All of the windows are open and there's a constant breeze being inhaled and exhaled through my house. The guys are running the tractor through the orchard but I don't mind; I get to walk around in barely anything and the birds are louder anyway.
Even at night.
And that's what I'm grateful for, right now, when there's nothing else.
1 for meg |
[x] |
::
2008 30 May :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: satisfied
Alex,
(allah, boo, jerkface)
There are days that we need naps.
There are minutes that I don't like you.
There are seconds that almost cost me my own tongue.
But- they're never more than minutes. Never more than seconds.
And when I wake up to you in the middle of our nap, I have no trouble falling back asleep - because your hold on me is still just as secure as when we collapsed mid-angry sentence.
If we're unable to remedy ourselves and our awful tempers with a nap, you're usually the one who bends first and compromises most because, for all the shit I give you, you are the bigger person.
And besides, you're irresistibly funny and I always fall for the fish face.
Thank you for inspiring ideas in me, for planting ambition in me, and for nurturing both.
Thank you for invoking racking giggles deep within me, as well as rapid heart beats and giving me new butterflies when mine die because I'm neglectful.
There are a million sappy, 80's hair-band songs that I could dedicate to you.
But you know every one of them.
Because we're nerds and spend a lot of time compiling an impressively embarrassing collection on your Jeep's Clarion.
And we sing them to each other shamelessly, dancing and swaying, winking and pointing across the car, nodding because you know, and so do I.
You don't care if anyone laughs at you for waddling around my dad's driveway on your knees.
It's basketball, after all, and Cameron loves it.
That's all that matters to you.
You love my Cheo and lift him and toss him and hug him and listen to his babble and let him wear your hats.
You get tired but you don't show it.
He's a baby and he doesn't understand.
But it's all right because you understand.
And here I never thought you would.
You amaze me, Alex.
You have changed so much and waltzed yourself so far, making me dizzy all the while.
You'll be 21 in a week and it scares the shit out of me.
I'm filled with anticipation and trepidation.. and I'm filled with astonishment.
3 years and 4 months is a long time.
I just can't figure out how you crammed so much change in that time.
I get discouraged and angry because sometimes I feel like I'm flattening an entire highway of new asphalt with a measly rolling pin.
But you make me see that, hey, at least it isn't a cheese grater.
And you pick up a rolling pin, too, and you help me.
You take my place when I get tired, throw my tantrums, and 'give up.'
You shake your head at me every time I throw in my towel, folding it up and tucking it in your baggy pants pocket because you know what I mean and what I don't.
You've decoded me.
You've mapped me out and translated me.
But no one else ever could and never will again.
I only come in Alex, and you're the only one who speaks it, baby.
Pamplet, thee-ay-ta, skidoosh!
You're the only one.
[x] |
::
2008 24 May :: 2.21 am
How in the hell did I go from this..
to this?
(that's my mom on the right, looking away. Hi, mom!)
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not at that great of a loss.
I remember each and every situation where I grew up a little more and thought a little differently, and looked a little further. I just didn't think I was going so fast.
I know - graduation, woo. Sniffle, cry, whatever. Right?
But it isn't graduation.
Not for me.
It's realizing that I'm completely in love with a guy that used to epitomize everything I hated in a human being.
It's walking down that carpet with my best friend, a girl I used to want dead in 8th grade.
It's breaking down in the grad room and crying because my shitty father stood me up and yeah, he still gets to me.
It's realizing that things change.
And some things never do.
But I'm in love, I'm loved, and I still know how to love.
And I am completely contented and happy, and whole.
I've changed my life philosophies as rapidly and frequently as I've changed the color of my hair. The revolving door of life has carried away, and simultaneously introduced, many friends. Those who stayed always will.
They are my foundation and strength.
They hold the door of their cars open and let me puke on their lawn.
They tell me I'm the best lawn-puker ever.
They enter the school talent show and dedicate their self-written song to me in front of everyone.
Because I had a bad day.
They stay up and watch cheap sci-fi movies with me.
They call me at 11am every Sunday morning to tell me our favorite show is on.
They make nachos with me, but the GOOD KIND.
And they share just as severe OCD with me, putting cheese and salsa and sour cream in EACH Tostitos Scoop.
And then put hot sauce on afterwards, because I didn't want any on mine.
They drive by weird houses and almost let that one guy open my door.
They pee on the side of the road and almost fall backwards into a ditch.
They laugh at creepies on the highway with me and laugh
because I tried to be cool and spit casually out their window.
But the wind caught it and sent it back into their car and in my face.
They also eat spicy chili with me and wash epidural residue off my back, laughing with me and crying with me.
They come to my son's funeral and stand by the side when I need my family.
They come rushing when I need them.
They answer their phones at 4am and lie and say no, they weren't sleeping.
Yeah. I've grown up - and into - my life. They've always been there though.
Through my shining moments, and through my worst.
No make-up, borrowing their clothes, using their jacuzzi tubs just to shave my legs.
I've kept my quirks and personality, but oh my god, I've grown up.
What the hell?
When did my body swell up and why am I not taller?
Why are my legs longer and why is it mandatory I cross them?!
Why do I still act like I'm 6!?
I'm going to have to go into the world and get a real job and start a family and carve a niche and accomplish great things and leave marks and be fiscally responsible and open minded but adamant and work for myself but contribute to society.. and whatever that guy on stage was rambling about.
I missed it because I was sweating bad, I was trying not to puke from the overwhelming smell of potatoes coming from the guy beside me, and I was praying that my legs retained circulation over the hours of sitting strapped in those ridiculous shoes like family Christmas trees on the Volvo.
None of it matters anyway.
My dad used to preach monotonously too. The same worn out crap to the same deaf little ears.
Fuck that. I started out this way..
..and I will end this way.
Thank you Toby, Alex, Joey, Taylor, Erik, Rachel, Kayliegh, Samm, and Hillary.
Thank you for everything.
2 for meg |
[x] |
::
2008 18 May :: 6.31 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
Yay hypoglycemia.
Fucking hell.
My boyfriend is on his way over, and so is my best friend.
Then the Taylors, Josh, etc are arriving for the rainchecked bonfire we were supposed to have last night.
Sometimes I miss writing new entries with substance and effort.
But then I realize how grateful I am that I am too busy now, with Alex and my sisters and Cheo and other real-life things.
Real life is finally better than any words conjured up out of my brain and tapped out with keys.
Finally.
1 for meg |
[x] |
|
