duckie
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2008 13 May :: 8.15am
Here you go, Bill
It's not all sappy and romantic, but not necessarily full of emo either.
It's Tuesday, and I'm in a really bad fucking mood. I had to close last night, so I finally got home around quarter to 10 and then tossed and turned all.night.long. I can tell that the best sleep I got all night long was the half hour before Pj left for work and the 2 hours after he left. I'm fairly certain that is all the sleep that I got throughout the night.
I'm exhausted.
My muscles feel weak and shaky.
My eyes are heavy as fuck.
And I'm ready to stab every single person that tells me to fucking smile or asks me what's wrong.
It doesn't help that my hate for Best Buy has grown progressively and continues to grow with every step I take into that god-awful store. I'm on the border of not caring anymore. I can't even make it through an entire shift without getting the 'I don't give a fuck mood.'
And with that, I'm going to go throw a knife into my purse and commence the stabbage while I struggle to stay awake.
Yay for moving this weekend though. And for teh kitten!
gdi ily sfm sh <3
1 for meg |
[x]
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acidtears
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2008 12 May :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Flyleaf - All Around Me
The end.
Today would have been Isaiah's official full-term birthday.
It's hard to think you were in this photo too, little man.

Your belongings atop my wooden chest aren't nearly enough, but they'll have to do because they're all I've got.
Just remnants and resounding echoes of things that once were, could have been, and won't come back.









The majority of the communication between my little sisters and me lie in MySpace messages.
I haven't seen most of those people in months, years.
And it's funny because not too long ago, they comprised my life in its entirety.
They were my life. Life itself.
Personified in every respect.
And now look.
I hug my Cheo, snuggle into Alex's arms, and take the good with the bad - new with the old.
I hold Emilio's hands secure, but not tight, and smile as his little legs kick out in mock-walking.
I pick out new songs, quotes, and writings to replace the ones I wiped off my chalk wall. Change is good.
But all of the signatures remain from everyone who has ever passed through my door, because change isn't THAT good.
I hug Taylor goodbye in our last multimedia class together, but wave over my shoulder like I always have when we walk out the door and part ways. Too much goodbye would kill me.
I say goodbye to everyone at our last lunch together.
I get my ceremony tickets and stuff them into my bag because I'm just not ready yet.
Hair color, phone numbers, life philosophies, preferred vodka - it's all changed.
So many things could have been.
So many things were, and ended.
I miss every bit of those years, and love every one of you.
1 for meg |
[x]
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duckie
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2008 12 May :: 2.33pm
Oh, and by the way
You know you have an amazing boyfriend when he says "pay attention to this song," and it turns out to be Van Halen's You Really Got Me.
I fucking love this boy.
Kthx =D
2 for meg |
[x]
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duckie
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2008 12 May :: 9.43am
What a weekend
I wasn't expecting to get to Waukesha on Friday until close to 7pm, but Pj surprised me by walking through our bed room door a few minutes after 8am. Those mornings are always the best because I love getting to spend all day with him. Soo I got up, we finished packing, headed off for breakfast, the bank, and MC. We were on the road by 1030 and made it there around 3pm CST.
The first person to meet him was my dad. It went surprisingly well, and my dad really opened up about his family, talked a bit about Vietnam, and pretty much shocked the shit out of me in the process. They seemed to get along quite well which was pleasing.
After dinner, my dad decided to bring up Shawn, and I knew it wasn't going to end well. I ended up calling Shawn to inquire about the divorce papers, and I called because texting about the situation would take forever, and I didn't have that kind of time. I ended up getting really annoyed with him because his tone of voice on the phone was full of "I don't give a fuck," which doesn't fly with me especially when it comes to something as serious as divorce. He insulted me, called me stupid, and told me that I did things half assed because I miss counted something when adding up either our bills or our belongings. I hung up on him, and I cried. I cried a lot. I even ran downstairs away from my parents and Pj to do it because I wasn't exactly sure what else to do. Honestly, I was surprised that Pj didn't come after me, and a part of me thinks that my father told him not to. I wanted him to come after me, to hold me, hug me, kiss my forehead and tell me not to let him get to me, but I can't change that now.
When I finally went back upstairs and told my dad what happened, he kind of started laughing. For the first time in my 22 years of life, I was totally straight with him, and I told him off. I told him that I didn't appreciate him making fun of me, and I told him that he was pissing me off. It felt SO good to finally have to balls to say that to him. I know how my dad can be, but I was hoping that he would be a bit more kind since I was crying, and he knew I was upset. I guess that was asking for too much though.
ANYWAY. When we left, I was in a better mood, and laughter was the ending note. We headed over to Chassa's, and it was pretty much the greatest night everrrr. I was pretty fucking trashed lol. I drunk dialed Kelly for no real reason except that I wanted to drunk dial someone, and I thought he would still be up. Pj was ridiculously amazing, and everyone LOVED him. He was social, he never got crabby, or at least not outwardly where people could see it, and he didn't make me feel like I was immature for getting trashed with my best friend. He drove me home, and the drive I don't really remember, and when we got back and got settled into bed, I cried. I cried and I poured my whole heart out to him which still feels really really good.
Since then, it feels like things have changed for the better. I'm not implying that things were ever NOT good, but sometimes when you have heart to hearts, things can become clear, and you just have an all around better understanding. I told him things that I never thought I would, and at the end of it all, I told him that I loved him so much, and he wrapped his arms around me and told me that he promised he loved me just as much as I loved him; I knew it was true. I can't even count the number of times that I heard him tell me he loves me, and it is the greatest feeling in the entire world. I am so happy.
On Saturday I decided that I wanted to kill my father. He played the embarrassment card to the max. I, again, stood up to him and told him to stop. I wanted to make sure he knew that he was pissing me off, and it wasn't to come across as a sassy little brat, it was so that he knew that I was getting pissed. It seemed to have work temporarily, and when he started it up again, I got pissed. Again.
We ended up going through an old photo album because I didn't believe that I had curly hair as a kid, and I still don't think of it as "curly." It was wavy. I was such a cute kid though haha =] I was either still drunk or slightly hung over, and I felt wrecked in the morning, so we ended up going back to bed around 11, and didn't get up until nearly 2pm. The nap was much needed and felt fucking amazing. There are days when I'm certain I could spend all day wrapped up in his arms, and Saturday was definitely one of them.
After teh nap, we did a little bit of shopping to get stuff for our new apartment [YAY!!!!!!!!!], came back for dinner, and then headed off to see Missy. Missy, whom I haven't seen in 4 years. I almost died. When she walked out of her door, her eyes were all red, and I knew she was going to cry which immediately made me cry. After everything that we've been through, she didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around me and hug me. It was the best feeling ever, and it was so good to spend time with her.
We went to Gander Mountain so that Pj could look for a case for his P90, and he ended up getting a tact light since they had jack shit for cases. Aaand after that, we headed back to Missy's to play Life. We played Life. How random is that? It was a ton of fun though, and it felt like we didn't miss a beat between then and high school. I have missed her so much, and I can't wait to see her again.
Sunday Dad cooked breakfast for Mom and us since it was Mother's Day. It was nice, and after breakfast I guess my parents got into it. Dad went and moped in his room, and we left around 10am because of it.
All in all it was a pretty good weekend, and I'm pleased with how it went. I'm glad that my Dad was comfortable enough to open up to Pj; that's HUGE. I wish that he would have been a little more tasteful, but whatever, I guess. Hopefully it's out of his system now, and next time we go visit he can just be normal. I'm pretty sure my mom liked him too which I'm also happy about =] And my friends loved him. So yay. Yay for a good weekend, but boo for being back to real life =[
ilmshsfm =D <3
9 for meg |
[x]
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xjayk
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2008 11 May :: 10.09pm
When all you knew is gone
I've been in shut down mode and while there I've realized the people that stand unbudged from my side though they sometimes look at me with strangers eyes they stay with their feet firmly planted on the ground next to mine.
I've become quite uneasy with people lately, I could only wish that loyalties really did last forever.
Its been two weeks now.
Two weeks since I've felt the devils sting and I still haven't been able to fall into someones arms and completely let myself go. I wont cry in front of people anymore. I wont be a victim in my own home. But... It'd be amazing to know that someone would take me in and just listen and not make me feel like it was my fault or make me feel like I'm placing the weight of the world on their shoulders, so I guess I'm left alone with the burden, its really only mine anyways.
Did you know I couldn't leave the house without having someone with me?
Did you know I couldn't even get gas without making sure someone else was there to pay?
Did you know that he walked away free and I'm still laying there?
While everyone else my age is worrying about caps and gowns, or what their future career is going to be and whatnot, at the present time I'm just worried about making it through tommorow.
And then the thought comes to mind, "What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that horrible of a person?"
[x]
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silentlyscreaming
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2008 11 May :: 9.22pm
:: Music: Basshunter
Holy shit, I don't know how I made it through 15 school days.
But somehow I did.
And I'm alive.
And there's only 3 days left.
Then I'm done.
Done.
DONE.
Suck it, Rockford. Suck it long, and suck it hard.
[x]
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rayray
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2008 11 May :: 12.04am
Today I spent the majority of the day sitting on my butt.
I went down to my dads to visit.. and see his harley..
He bought a motorcycle yesterday.
And I ended up spending most of my day down there.
And the 2 hours before I went down there I was making ringtones.
And for like 30 minutes while I was there I was making ringtones..
And for the last 45 minutes, I was making ringtones..
I think I made a little over 20 of them today..
And now I sit here and wait for mike to bring me home a pop..
[x]
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acidtears
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2008 9 May :: 6.41pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Rammstein - Helden.
Delphine es tun.
Courtney and I went down to Alpine today for some gasoline and the new Apocalyptica album.
Thanks to my dad's nifty Sam's Club card, I paid 30 dollars to fill up my tank.
I just want you all to know that.
Because I was excited.
So now here I sit listening to Eicca, Paavo, and Perttu, and I did my make-up all cool with the new stuff I got, and my car is in the driveway with a full tank - and I have nowhere to go.
Because Alex refuses to call me.
And I just don't care.
3 for meg |
[x]
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duckie
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2008 8 May :: 8.25pm
This is for you. For us.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Do you have any idea how amazing you are and how much I love you?
I feel like my whole relationship with you thus far has been compiled of "moments."
Moments when I smile that infamous douche bag smile because once again, you surprise me with how well you read me and how well you know my mannerisms.
Moments when I look over at you and smile inwardly because of how ridiculously lucky I am, wondering how I manage to hold your heart[s] in the palms of my hands day after day.
The real moments come at the best time of the day, and I know you know when that is. The contentment, the security, the memorable laughter all rolled up into a mind blowing 30 minutes that make me fall asleep every night and wake up every morning with a soft smile.
That's the kicker; that's when I know that I'm in this for keeps.
For the first time in my life.. "perfect" feels good, and I'm not trying to taint it.
Waukesha/Chassa tomorrow!!!!! I can't wait. Pj was kind enough to tease me and say "24 hours," which he was apparently waiting to say to me all day long. Ridiculously sweet, imo.
I am falling more and more in love with photography each and every day, and to indulge myself in even more knowledge and camera-y goodness, I am going to be training in digital imaging at Best Buy. Hopefully that will become my new home since operations is full of douche.
Anddd TWL match, so. Good night =]
7 for meg |
[x]
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acidtears
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2008 8 May :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: 3 Doors Down - It's Not My Time.
There's a fear in me; it's not showing.
Good thing you showed up, M.A.C. shipment.
It was almost a bad day.
Almost.

I'm going into Rockford, stopping by the bank, buying new brushes, and chillaxing with my grandparents and that little guy* up there before heading off to Cam's game.
Oh and Alex is coming home tonight.
A whole day early.
*He IS little, really.
I'm just little, too.
[x]
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