2009 20 February :: 12.16 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
-because for people like you and me, there are no real friends.
there are no perfect relationships.
and there are no right decisions.
-because there is not a good enough reason not to.
there is no eternal bliss and there is no perpetual punishment.
-because there is never happiness on the other side.
there are only fantasies that fit well inside your mind and never come to fruition.
-because we must fight off our demons every single day just to be happy.
and things weren't the way we thought they would be.
-because i'm trying, i really am.
and when i smile it's real, and when i hurt it isn't.
-because people like you and me, we need each other.
just to stay alive, and just to feel less alone.
-because there is no such thing as loneliness
there is nothing to keep us here and nothing to make us go.
every place is my prison.
and it always ends like this.
2009 5 February :: 3.23 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Super Mario Brothers Tune
Holy smokes, un update from Rachel. And, assuradely, one that will take forever for me to type.
So, on December the 6th, my van that I was driving (which was totally my parents') caught on fire, along with my friggin house. So I lost like two hundred dollars of emergency cash, all my school books (worth $450) and a ton of other stuff. So I moved in with Grandma and Grandpa and used their van (I assure you I was getting good at driving those stupid things). Then on the 12th of December, Grandma sent me to get us all some lunch before I went to work.
I met a tree. lol I drove straight into it and I haven't a reason as to why. I split open my left knee cap on the dash, nine inches across and two inches up it, shatterring my patella. I broke a piece off the end of that femer, blew the middle of it out, and broke the top of it next to my hip socket.
On my right leg, I dislocated the hip, fracturing the socket and breaking off a chip of it. Later they found a fracture under the knee cap in my tibia.
Left arm: Friggin broke both the radius and the ulna.
Right arm: Blew out the middle of the humerous, and broke the radius in a spiral break next to my elbow.
They salvaged 2/3 of my knee cap, holding it together with three screws and two pieces of wire. Stuck a titanium rod in my femur and humerous. Metal plates screwed to the other breaks in my arms, one that curves around my right elbow, which might have to be taken out in six months, and the rod in my humorous might be taken out in a year.
I had hip precautions so I didn't pop it out and I could only put 50 percent of my weight on it, so when I stepped I had to divide the weight up between my arms and the right leg with my walker.
However, to-friggin-day I saw my surgeon and he said I was doing so good I could go ahead and nix the walker and go to a cane when I felt comfortable doing so. I wasn't even supposed to be able to walk yet so I'm totally kicking ass on this.
The only other problem I had was I have Radial Palsey, where the radial nerves i my right hand/arm whatever, suffered so much damage they shut down on me. I'm getting them back, some movements quicker than other, but still. Like I couldn't even raise my arm of my wrist and now my fingers are just like uncordinated, and I can't do a thumbs up either. But some of that is due to weakness from not using it.
I was in Cox Hospital for 18 days, and in Select Specialty Hospital for 28 days, a total of 46 days. Ugh. I don't know when I can go back to work, but Social Security is giving me disability so I can pay my bills, luckily. I just found that out today, actually, so that was awesome.
Aaaaanyways. That's what's up.
<3 and miss everyone!!!
I finally had the break down I knew was coming... at work. Not fun. My boss/friend, Ryan, pulled me into a room and let me cry my heart out, then I continued on throughout the day, feeling no better, but thinking it was done. Then I get in my car and get ready to go home, flip on the radio and "Chasing Cars" (our song) came on. Everything went all through me and I lost it again. I can't wait for this stage to just be over.
I love him. As horrible as it is, I don't want to love him anymore, because then everything won't hurt so bad. I know that'll never happen. Kelly was/is a HUGE factor in my life, and he'll always have my heart.
I don't know if I'll continue on with this thing... it was kind of a place for he and I. Plus all my friends were originally his friends and I don't quite know how the feelings are with them and I anymore. I still love them, but... I don't know.
Fuck. I wish this didn't hurt so much.
2008 22 September :: 2.10 pm
:: Mood: depressed
I am so confused... I don't know what to do. Actually I already did what I felt like I should do, and it makes me feel like shit, and completely sick to my stomach. Then he left without talking to me.
I love him but I don't feel like I'm IN love with him, which is a completely overused line, but it's fitting. This week didn't feel right to me. I didn't feel like I used to feel, and I didn't get that little kick like I usually do when I first saw him. I knew something was wrong, but I kept telling myself it would blow over. After two years, you can't just stop having those feelings... I realize now that maybe you can. I talked to him and he just left without saying a thing. I don't really blame him, but... I don't know.
I don't want this to end on a bad note, but I don't really see it being a happy ending. There's nothing happy about it.
I'm sorry, Kelly. I don't know what to do, but I'm not going to pretend to be happy because then we would both just be miserable.
So I went to the casino with the guys last night, everyone's in town so it was the first time we had hung out in forever. I made twenty bucks, so it was all fun... but then when I'm getting ready to go to bed, I go to plug in my phone, an cannot find it at all. I know I did not leave it at the casino, because I put it on vibrate on the way home because the battery was dying. However, other than that I'm fuckin lost. It might have fallen out in Wheaton, it might be in Renkoski's car. Or Tylor might have grabbed it thinking it was his (same make and color) when he and Jacob were leaving my house.
I'm pretty much freaking out, fyi. I know Kelly's going to call, and my mom was supposed to call me as well, but... ha. Not going to happen when I don't have my phone.