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Wizened Auld Man

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:: 2018 4 September :: 9.34pm

I'm really fucking sick and tired of being treated like I don't know shit.

I know a lot. I'm smart. I've had jobs in different areas and understand how almost all insurance works (besides life insurance, but that seems like the most straight forward insurance).

but go ahead,just treat me like I don't know anything. it's okay.



:: 2018 3 September :: 7.13pm

Life Update!
OK, so things are actually going well for once.

I'm loving our new apartment. We both are. It's much easier to keep clean. We have a washer and dryer in the basement (!), a backyard with a garden, and neighbours with an adorable orange cat who inexplicably comes to visit us every day. I went nuts with two major trips to Target and one trip to Ikea to get us some new furniture. We have a new bed. We have a dining table now (OK, the "table" is two old office desks pushed together with four stools for chairs, but it's perfect for us). Together, we decided that I could use the second bedroom as a home office. So I bought a new desk, got an easel and a storage unit for my painting supplies, and now have the perfect creative space to set up camp and work from every day. It is absolutely everything I wanted.

Speaking of getting everything I wanted...

We went looking at rings one day last month. We're tentatively talking about setting a date. I got a recommendation from my therapist for a good couples' counselor. We're definitely in the pre-official stage still, but we're planning the next steps. Eek!!! S has his candidacy exams next week. So he's studying and stressing about those. But after his defense is done, we'll probably start moving ahead. So. Excited.

On that subject, K and C got married. Y and K came up and stayed with us for a few days and traveled up to Michigan with us for the wedding. S and I stayed with his parents in East Lansing, and we told them that the reason we can't go to Australia with them this Christmas is because it's going to be hard for S to take time off from his PhD program more than once during the next 3-4 years...and we want to go to Australia for the honeymoon. So they were like !!!!!! And we were like !!!!!! They've been sworn to secrecy. The only other people we've told are K and Y. So. Yeah.

Work is going really well. I'm getting paid a lot better at my CRM job. My teaching schedule is getting fuller again now that the kids are coming back to school. I'm in the process of negotiating another contract with my c-gig. I'm ready for fall to start. Just opened a nice bottle of wine, and we're making pizza for dinner.

So yeah. I think things are looking hella good from where I'm sitting.



:: 2018 29 August :: 2.12pm

you either are important or you aren't

you either matter to someone or you don't

I'm always in the "not" category

and it hurts, but trying harder just looks desperate, and I don't know how to do less than what I do. I'm just a non entity. I'm fading into nothing. I don't speak I don't care I just feel sad and lonely.

and I know it'll only get worse. I know I'll be the worst mom. I know I'll die in child birth. I know I'll have a miscarriage. I know I'm sterile.

why do I even exist

I am a meaningless creature on a meaningless planet in an infinite expanse of nothing.

how do I fix this?



:: 2018 29 August :: 8.24am

why is it that I always manage to convince myself that my bf is gay and in love with another man?????

it happens every time. am I crazy? am I imagining it?

is it just my insecurities about not being a man? maybe I was just supposed to be a man. idk.

life is so confusing.


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