Today marks one month since the accident. I am finally feeling relief after going to the chiropractor. I am still recovering though. Occasionally I have brain fog, or things get fuzzy and I have a hard time focusing. Everyday I am even more grateful that my baby was unharmed in the accident. Last week was the first time that she had even asked questions about the accident. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't press her after the accident because I was waiting for her to be ready. After the accident she asked what happened one time. And it was literally the first thing out of her mouth after we stopped. From that point on, all she would say was "I hate that lady's car for hitting us. She's a bad driver. I hate her driving". I would always reassure her that the only thing that mattered was that we were okay. I have been trying hard to not harbor anger over the whole ordeal. I am pissed that she wrecked my car. I am pissed that I am still recovering. But the fact that even after all that, my child is okay, makes me not want to hang onto those feelings of anger or hatred. Reagan could have been killed, or severely injured. She could have had cuts ALL over her body from all the glass. She could have been covered in glass, but for some reason she wasn't.
I registered for classes today. Going back to school for a degree in library science. Im pretty excited bout this change. It's gonna take a long time but I'm pretty thrilled about the thought of getting out of retail and I think library science is something that I'll really enjoy. And I'll at least know that I'm taking steps to be happy in the long run.
Yesterday, my mom had a heart attack. This morning she had a heart cath, and it showed that she has a small blockage but they aren't doing a stent because it could cause more harm than good. I was told this morning she would be coming home tonight, but by the time I got to class, they decided to keep her for another day. And the cardiologist told her numerous times she needs to quit smoking. So I am hoping that, the heart attack and the fact she has already been told by her doctor that has been treating her for Lupus, is enough to get it in full swing..
I started my last fall semester of college last week. So far, I hate it because I have to go to class 3 times a week. But, at least this semester is going to be a breeze compared to next semester.
My mom has lupus, but it's just the horrible rash on her face, no organs are being affected or causing it, yet. She told me that her doctor told her that she HAD to quit smoking, so she is cutting back and going to try the e-cig before she tries chantix. I'm not going to hold my breath. I want to have hope that she will quit smoking and maybe she will even quit drinking or at least cut back tremendously and live a semi-normal life. I'd like to think that at some point in my life, I can go visit her and not wreak of smoke just from sitting on her couch.
My brother had his 6 month check up to see if the cancer is back, and there are signs the cancer has come back, or it's just residue from the hodgkin's that wasn't seen in the last scan. Not sure what's going on, because he hasn't heard from his doctor or had any more tests scheduled.
Reagan so badly wants to go to school, but is too young by a week to start preschool. Preschool that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for on top of fundraising anyway. I would love for her to go, but I think she will benefit from going to daycare a couple days a week to.
A year ago today, my brother got some pretty life changing news. It's so crazy and amazing that within the last year, he has found out that he had cancer, had chemo and has been in remission for 4 months.
Today I remembered that I forgot to sign up for Spring classes last week, so I got a pretty crappy schedule.. But, I found out that I will be done Fall of next year.. Not sure what I will do when I don't have school anymore.. I will have to go back to work, because I have an ass load of student loans to pay back.. Maybe I can put off getting a job until Reagan is in school full time.. Seems weird that I will be done with college in a year..
I have made close to five hundred dollars so far I think selling stuff after I meet in town tomorrow for some pick ups/ drop offs. I'm using a little of that money for a new couch that I am insanely excited about. I shouldn't be this excited about a damn couch. I'm happy to be getting a bunch of shit out of the house and making money in the process, but it is very time consuming. David loves our coffee table because the top lifts off and pulls up to eat at it/use the computer/whatever... but its huge and heavy. Someday I want a more reasonable coffee table. He's already sad about losing his huge comfy couch, but I hate that thing. The dog hair will not vacuum off of it, and the dogs pull the couch cover off, and sit on top of the fucking pillows on the back... the list goes on of why I hate that couch. I want more room in here. I'm thinking of getting rid of the huge glass case we have in the dining room too and just putting up a nice wall mural instead for visual purposes without taking up space. I miss space. Skylar's room is finally all done, but I havent taken any pictures of it because I keep pulling stuff out of the closet to sort through, and her crib is full of clean laundry... and her christmas presents are in there on the floor. Baby steps I guess. You know whats ridiculous? I sold over thirty dollars worth of shit from my BATHROOM in under an hour. If people want my random shit, I cannot complain. David is baffled by the money that people are paying me for used stuff. I still have at least 100 clothing items to get sold, and then I need to start on household decor etc. I also finally made my decision about vaccinations. She isn't getting them. With my medical history of adverse reactions to the pertussis vaccine, I'm not going to risk her health or her life over it, especially when so many cases of whooping cough now are in people that have already been vaccinated! When school time comes around, I can consider things again, but if need be I can get her exempted because of my philosophical views on vaccines. I still absolutely love cloth diapers. Still exclusively breastfeeding. Still bed sharing. Still irritated by my mother. Life is alright.
Can't sleep.. Not sure if it's because I don't feel good, or because my mind won't shut off.. 7 Years later and I still can't believe we are together.. Pretty sure neither one of us thought it would last this long.. We sure press each others buttons, and annoy the hell out of each other, we aren't perfect, and we both might be a little on the bipolar side.. But I am glad that I said yes to going on a date with him. I can't picture anyone else I would want to go to bed next to each night..
I've been ridiculously tired and having migraines. Bah. Sometimes I feel like I leave David out of the loop too much when it comes to parenting decisions, but he seems to trust what I think. I co sleep. Half of the night I bed share, and I took a nap in the bed with the baby a couple of days ago, and as soon as we woke up and came out here she was screaming... and David was like "did you break her arm or something?". I have no idea why it bothered me, but I guess I feel like I should automatically be defensive about it because when I first mentioned it to my mom and grandma they both gave me lectures about how I was going to kill my baby.... ugh. Safe bed sharing actually reduces the risk of sids... but I won't go into that right now. I think that I have settled on only getting the Dtap shop when I take her in for her weight check next week. The doctor brought up a good point of me doing my grocery shopping in big rapids, where there are alot of amish and people going to ferris from other countries... My biggest worry is her having a reaction. I had seizures from the Dtap when I was around two years old, so I am not fully vaccinated either. I guess the way I'm going about things is considered "selective and delayed vaccinating". I would completely delay until she was at least one if I was fully vaccinated, and if David didn't work somewhere that hundreds of people touch the things he touches every day at work. I feel like I'm getting somewhere making myself a schedule and organizing the house. Its probably boring to other people... but I honestly don't go anywhere. Today was the first time I left the house without David in at least three weeks, and the only times that I have left WITH him were to go to his parents for a minute, and to the grocery store once a week I think. Skylar had a terrible teething day on Tuesday, and she went on a six/seven hour nursing/napping strike that boiled down to me pumping and giving her a bottle just to get her to eat, because she screamed every time I held her to me. It worked, and she ate, and then ate from me right afterward... but it was actually really hard for me to do that. She hasn't had a single bottle since she was born. I was kind of hoping for her to not even have a bottle until she was at least six months, maybe longer. Or forever. It was a little goal I had.