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:: 2016 30 December :: 10.09 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Aladdin.

Why does love have to hurt?
I'm sick of it. My friend keeps telling me "You have to have a rock bottom when it comes to this man." But apparently I don't. I keep letting you reel me back in and hurt me. I keep letting you come and go as you please and I sit here waiting for you to realize that you WANT to be with me that you WANT to love me. As soon as you do , you run scared. Why? After 12 years, kids and miscarriages. you leaving and coming back MULTIPLE times you would think I would learn to let you go. but for some reason I still love you. I still crave you. I sit here daily waiting for your call or text. For you to just miss me a little. Why am I so damaged? I don't even know how I got here? I used to be so confident.. damn near conceited. I knew I was a beautiful person, a good person, loyal, respectful and happy. You took all this from me ... you've apologized and acted like you were sorry and devastated about doing this to me... then you slowly started to do it again. Whenever you see a light in me start to shine, you come and turn it off and then say I am not the person you fell in love with anymore. So I push and fight to become that person again. For myself... for you.. and you do it again. You break me to build yourself and I let you because I love you - but you don't see that you are killing me. Sitting here depressed. I never thought I was fat.. and now I can't even go to a dressing room without crying. I never thought I was ugly, but now I can't leave the house without make up. It's like I am constantly trying to prove to you I am good enough and you always find something else wrong with me.

Because of you, I feel like all men lie. Because of you I feel like I will always end up hurt. Because of you , I hate that my daughters will grow up & go through similar shit .

I hate that I love you.

love me.

:: 2015 22 August :: 9.58 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: variety.

today bryce mentioned a topic it seems he has been trying to avoid for about a year now.. we were supposed to have twins. that's right amiya is a twin. but i lost the baby around 7-8 weeks. i felt every cramp and saw blood and knew every pain i was having was me losing my baby. i think about her/him every day. and i thought he never did but apparently he has just been waiting until enough time has passed where it seems safe. i don't think i have ever been the same since i found out. i never got to know if the baby was a boy or girl. i had a materniT21 test (they thought amiya had down syndrome) and they didn't find any boy chromosomes. so i assume she would've been a girl. we talked about what we would have named him or her. if it was a girl Amiya's name would be Londyn and she would've been Paris. if it was a boy Malikai . i guess since i don't know i can just refer to the baby as Jamie <3 i have always loved that name and loved that i could use it for either a boy or girl. i would what jamie would've looked like. would she have taken after me , like amiya? would she have looked like bryce? would she be light skin like me or have more of a mixed look to her? i always wonder, how old she would've been when she first smiled. would she be really outgoing or shy? theory says she may have had chromosome issues which is why amiya came back high risk for down syndrome. i swear if Jamie would've had downs, nothing would have changed. she would be my perfect baby. special in her own way and beautiful in a way only she could be. i know one day i will leave this Earth and finally meet her. i hope she knows mommy misses her .. which is crazy cause i never got to hold her. i wonder if she knows how loved she is - even though i never even got to hear her heart beat. she changed me in so many ways and i love her for it. i love you baby. Mommy misses you - until we finally meet.

love me.

:: 2015 9 January :: 11.15 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: modernfamily

i am tired of people telling me whats best for my daughter. im tired of being told i am not doing enough this pregnancy & that i dont take care of myself. i eat when im hungry. shes growing above average. and yes im anemic again... but im taking my vitamins like im supposed to. i dont drink smoke or do any type of drug whether it be recreational or prescription... just so my baby doesnt get any effects... smdh im so frustrated already.

2 <3 | love me.

:: 2014 16 November :: 7.20 pm

not really sure if any one knows how i feel right now...

2 <3 | love me.

:: 2014 15 May :: 7.27 pm
:: Music: Lana Del Rey - Once Upon A Dream

where do i start...
blah... it's how i feel. ugh.

thank God for Khali Rose.

love me.

:: 2014 28 January :: 6.23 pm
:: Mood: idk..
:: Music: Modern Family

so where do i start
babe & i have been doing so much better. we communicate a lot better. we understand each other better. it's crazy; that we survived all the craziness and made it to where we are now. we still have a lot of work to do. but we're happy.. my little girl (Khali Rose) is gorgeous. i'm in awe of her. i think she is just the most amazing little being ever. she's already 3 months. she's hilarious and sweet. she's a cuddle bug. & such a good baby. i love her so much...

in other news...

hubby and i are going to do the 30 day sex challenge.

we have sex everyday for 30 days and it's supposed to build intimacy , trust, and bring us back to where we were . i will keep you posted everyday.. wish us luck.

2 <3 | love me.

:: 2013 2 October :: 4.23 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: fairly odd parents

i am set to be induced Oct. 22nd - the only way this little girl is coming out any sooner than that is if she comes out on her own , or God forbid they see a problem & want to induce me sooner. i'm so anxious i could scream! & my fabuloso addiction hasn't gotten any better. i wish i could wash my walls with the stuff. <3

love me.

:: 2013 18 September :: 2.02 am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: slowjams & black ops2

updating on life.
well, i'm officially a "high risk" pregnancy . because of the intermittent bleeding and glucose intolerance. but, now that i see a high risk doctor every week - my baby has stopped playing with my placenta & hurting me lol. i guess she just wanted the extra attention lol. i'm 34 weeks, and so ready for her to pop out and come home already. my regular OBGYN thinks she's going to be chunky & that i'll have a problem with shoulder dystocia (where their shoulder gets stuck behind the pubic bone during delivery) so i think he's pushing for a c-section at 38 weeks. my high risk doctor thinks she's going to be small so he wants me to eat anything and everything i want. 2 doc's & they don't agree on ANYTHING lol. but luckily she seems as though she's healthy & happy. so when she's ready to make her appearance she will :D

2 <3 | love me.

:: 2013 31 July :: 8.32 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: the big bang theory

- pregnancy , welcome 3rd trimester.
even though my baby is perfectly healthy & moves around fine. the rest of my body is doing a terrible job adjusting to pregnancy. for the past week i've had severe "rib pain" which just means - hey your organs are pushing up against your ribs, it's gonna hurt & there's nothing you can do about it. and i got a bad result on my first gestational diabetes test. so today i did my 3 hour test. i swear i almost passed out during my first hour. but, after that i felt fine. but, i've been dizzy for 2 days. blurred vision, nausea, headaches & rib pain. lol and i haven't officially started the 3rd trimester yet. lol , so good luck to me ! lol. but, i can't stand my doctor's nurse. she doesn't answer any of my questions. she always seems in such a hurry. & since everyone is giving birth my doctor is gone most of the time lately. but, i asked where my placenta is placed now - because it's been low. she said she will check & she didn't. i asked how much the baby is weighing - she didn't tell me. she said the baby's head is measuring perfect for 26 weeks. and told me that i was 26 weeks along. i told her - no i'm 27 weeks. i asked if that made a difference & she didn't answer.. just annoying.

love me.

:: 2013 19 July :: 10.02 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: sometimes we pray too long.

... being alone with my thoughts.. is dangerous.
one thing i noticed about myself - if i am alone with my thoughts for too long .. i WILL sabotage whatever good thing is in my life . sad but true. & now i am on bed rest . the baby is too low & so is the placenta. been having pains & bleeding.. so rest & pray is all i can do.. my husband & i have continued to have our faith in God and each other and are trying to make this work. it's not going to be easy.. be ANY means. i have a lot of trust issues i have to get over. & he has a lot of things to work on. but , things have been good. i met his brother from Germany & step sister. more of his family and such. but our living situation is still all fucked up. & he doesn't seem interested in trying to change it. he SAYS he is. he tells me everyday how much he misses me & loves me. but, i don't think we are going to be living together until next year. which i am extremely upset about. & idk where his head is about it. i'm trying to avoid ANOTHER argument. but this is really just.. ugh. =/ so i think i'm just going to listen to music, lay here with my dog (Lola) & watch the baby kick. lol.

-- speaking of which , we can't seem to agree on a baby name either. every time we do. one of us changes our minds. lol

love me.

:: 2013 19 July :: 1.02 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: H.I.M.Y.M

100 truths.
1. Full name : Stephanie Jones
2. Nickname : fifi, chuchi, buqkie (buckie)
3. Zodiac Sign : libra
4. Male or female : female
5. Elementary School : pine island
6. High School : mariner
7. Dream College : don't really have one.
8. Hair color : black
9. Tall or short : short
10. Lazy or energetic : lazy bum
11. Sweats or Jeans : sweats.
12. Phone or Camera : phone
13. Health freak : definitely not.
14. Orange or Apple : orange
15. Pepsi or Coke : pepsi
16. Best friends : ella & rebecca
17. Do you have a crush on someone : im in love with my husband
18. Boyfriend/girlfriend : i'm married

19. Been in an airplane : no
20. Been in a relationship : yes
21. Been in a car accident? : whew, yes.
22. Been in a fist fight: yes
23. First piercing : ears
24. Skinny dipped : nope.

25. First word : papa
26. First thing you did this morning : checked my phone.
27. First kiss : alex , i was 13.
28. First love : bryce <3
29. Last person you talked to in person : isaiah my nephew
30. Last person you texted : Hannah
31. Last person you watched a movie with : myself.
32. Last food you ate : oreos.
33. Last movie you watched : idr. something on tv.
34. Last song you listened to : shake ya boom boom down. ?
35. Last thing you bought : probably pizza.
36. Last person you hugged: isaiah.

37. Food : pizza
38. Drink : pepsi
39. Bottoms : sweats or shorts
40. Top : tank tops
41. Animal : tigerrrr (rawr)
42. Colors : pink
43. Movies : the nightmare before christmas.
44. Song : hmm, womans work - maxwell & dear life - anthony hamilton

HAVE YOU EVER : ( Put an X in the brackets if yes )
45. [x] Gotten Baptized.
46. [x] Celebrated Halloween.
47. [x] Had your heart broken...
48. [ ] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.
49. [x] had someone question your sexual orientation.
50. [x] laughed for no particular reason
51. [x] got pregnant.
52. [ ] had an abortion.
53. [x] Did something you regret.
54. [x] Broke a promise.
55. [x] Hid a Secret.
56. [x] pretended to be happy.
57. [x] met someone who changed your life.
58. [x] pretended to be sick.
59. [ ]left the country.
60. [x]tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.
61. [x] cried over the silliest thing.
62. [x] ran a mile.
63. [x] went to the beach with your best friend.
64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.
65. [x] dated someone.

66. Watching : how i met your mother
67. Eating : nada
68. Drinking : nothing
69. Listening to : tv
70. Talking to : bryce my hubby
71. Waiting for : energy to go get soda. lol
72. Mood : happy

73. Want kids : yes. (pregnant)
74. Want to get married : i am.
75. Career : no idea.

WHICE ONE in a significant other:
76. Lips or Eyes : idk my hubby has amazing eyes & lips. so eh. both.
77. Shorter or taller : taller
78. Romantic or spontaneous : spontaneously romantic.
79. Quiet or loud : he's quiet. im loud lol
81. Hook-up or relationship: Relationships.
82. Looks or personality : both. sorry

83. Lost glasses/contact : yes
84. Snuck out of a house : yes
85. Held a gun/knife for self defense : in my car yea
86. Killed somebody : no.
87. Broken someone's heart : yes
89. Cried when someone died : yes

90. Yourself: yes
91. Miracles : yes
92. Love at first sight : yes
93. Heaven : yes
94. Santa Clause: no
95. Sex before marriage : .we shouldnt but i did .
96. Kiss on the first date : yes

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now : yes
98. Do you know who your real friends are : yes
99. Do you believe in God : yes
100. Post as 100 truths? yes

love me.

:: 2013 1 July :: 9.55 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: vindicated.

chase the moment - fall forever.


i am selfish; i am wrong.
& i am right ; i swear i'm right.
swear i knew it all along.
& i am flawed.
but, i am cleaning up so well.

love me. | Random Journal