:: 2011 17 July :: 12.53 pm

Rock Bottom
so i have this one friend, his name is chey. he's the only person i hang out with as a friend. he goes out of his way to be their for me and shows up on my doorstep if he thinks i need company. he gives me rides when my car breaks down and calls me to invite me and include me with his friends. he brings me smoothies to work for no reason. he makes me laugh.

well today was his last day at work and he's moving to florida in like a week.

why is it that the one true friend i have up here bails and leaves to a different state.


i feel so so so sad that he's leaving :( i guess i'm on my own again.

5 listened | put on your bra

:: 2011 25 May :: 2.31 pm

Refuses to give up. I'm SO close. I just can't let it go. So maybe I fucked up, I have to do this..otherwise everything I've worked for will be for nothing.

Graduating will mean everything to me.

I don't care if I have to move to Alaska for grad school. I will knock down doors until somebody lets me in. I want to help people, it's what makes me want to live. It gives me purpose and meaning in my life.

I WILL be something. I am a smart person, I can't just give up and work at the casino for the rest of my life. I need to push through these hard times. Maybe this is what will change my life around for the better.

When I think of my future, I know what I want, and it's not living in a dumpy college apartment, struggling to make ends meet living paycheck to paycheck.

I have to do this. I have to. I will.

put on your bra

:: 2011 13 May :: 3.06 pm

so last night nic told me something that really made sense. if you're upset about something or constantly worrying about something...don't. set aside 30 minutes of your day to actively think about it and to do what you can (if anything) to make it better. after that 30 minutes is up LET IT GO! for that day because otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.

i really should start doing this. it's not easy though because thoughts easily pass through your mind that you don't intend, but i guess you just have to work on controlling it.

i realize i'm in a semi-crappy place right now, but maybe everyday ahead of me, i can do a little something to make it better.

today, i went through my finances and wrote in my planner all my bill due dates and amounts that automatically come out of my checking account..maybe it seems obvious or trivial but i don't keep track of that stuff usually very well and this will help me be a little less worried about finances. +1 for the day...

ps-i really appreciate the advice given on previous entries. it truly helped

put on your bra

:: 2011 4 May :: 2.21 pm

I need advice. I don't know what to do.


...

I can't even explain it, it's too long and it makes me too disappointed in myself.

The only thing in life that made me feel good about myself and accomplished and hopeful for the future was speech pathology, and i've slowly just majorly fucked it all up.

i'm so lost, i wish i could turn back time and do things differently but i know it can't. and i'm too ashamed to admit all the wrong/bad i've done in school and with potential letters of rec. from professors that are on the admissions board. i'm an idiot and i feel like i've lost all that i worked for.

1 listened | put on your bra

:: 2011 15 February :: 7.10 pm

Why? Because I want to better myself

What has gone well? Hmmm, hard question, I guess my attitude towards getting better, I've decided I want change.

What has not gone well? The past couple of years (parts of them anyway)

How do (did) I feel? I feel in between right now. Not great, but not bad, I'd like to strive for great. I want to feel happy.

What do I fear? I'm afraid of being unhappy someday. I'm afraid of not getting into grad school so I can accomplish my goal of becoming an SLP.

What motivates me? I'm motivated by my family and by my drive to give myself and my family a good life someday.

What are my goals? To graduate with my bachelors, then masters, and marry someone who is loving and fun and who makes me happy. I want to be an SLP and help others, that will make my life worth living for.

What do I want for my life? I want to inspire and help others, but I also want to be happy for myself and with my life. I want to sit down on the couch and feel that I've accomplished my goals and feel happy about my choices in life.

What do I value? I value my family. I value my heart. I value people who listen. I value kind strangers. I value my friends who are there for me. I value my right to choose in more ways than one. I value people who are positive.

What am I really good at? I'm good at listening and caring for others when they're down. I feel like I've a very empathetic person and always want to fix others problems.

What is challenging for me? Right now, a lot. It's challenging for me to go to class, it's challenging for me to get out of the apartment and do things I need to do. It's challenging for me to eat right/exercise.

How do other people see me? It depends. Some people may see me as a kind, funny hard working person. Others may see me as a worn out, angry person who has given up. The first one is really me.

What do I enjoy? I enjoy the sunshine. I love the beach and the fresh air and the sand. I love driving with the windows down and smelling the country! I enjoy being with my family and dogs and laughing a lot. I enjoy tanning, relaxing with candles lit and smiling. I enjoy going for walks near the water and being around nice people.

Where am I dissatisfied in my life? I'm dissatisfied with my lack of motivation. I need to figure out how to change that. It angers me when I skip class b/c I have no motivation to get off the couch and go. I guess I just need to remember that I feel better about myself when I do go.

Where do I get energy from? Usually coffee or an energy drink, but I should work to change that to something more natural like exercise etc..

What takes energy away from me? Being depressed, it takes everything away from me, my energy included.

How do I most want to contribute to others? In a couple of years, I want to give people their voice. Their voice to communicate with others which is so important in this world.

What do I love to do? Good question, ... I love to laugh. I love playing with my dogs. I love accomplishing little things throughout the day.

When do I feel alive? I feel most alive when I've helped someone and I can walk away knowing their life is better because of something I could do for them, small or big.

When do I feel the most “natural”? After I get out of the shower and have washed off all the makeup and my hair is curly and wet and it's just me. Nothing to hide behind at that point.

To be continued..
What do I hesitate to admit about myself?
Where am I meeting resistance right now?
What do I most want to create?
If I was brave, what would I do?
What are my dreams?
What are my best gifts?
What have I always wanted to try?

put on your bra

:: 2010 15 December :: 6.34 pm

I got my grades:

C-
C+
B
I=incomplete

I'm like bawling right now

1 listened | put on your bra

:: 2010 21 October :: 1.10 am

feels so alone. with nobody to comfort me or show me love or affection, i'm here, alone, trying to fight through this on my own. i need him to comfort me and tell me it will all be ok, but that will never happen. i can't "change" him. god forbid i ask for love and compassion, or at least a little bit of sympathy. i need him to hold me and tell me it'll all be ok. but he's too fucking cold hearted. and the one person i could go to to pull me through any emotional crisis is off with someone new and it kills me.

put on your bra

:: 2010 4 March :: 9.01 am

a B+ is NOT that bad jessie. i can come back from this.

3 listened | put on your bra

:: 2010 27 February :: 2.21 pm

i will not let you dictate my happiness anymore. if you want me, fine. if you don't, then leave me the fuck alone.

put on your bra

:: 2010 24 February :: 10.37 pm

Kevin

I got a few ideas, but I want some more that are implied nude photos.

10:28pmJessie

what do you mean by that, nude but just covered up or something?

10:29pmKevin

yeah

but I want it to seem that me being naked fits, compared to me being naked just to be naked

10:31pmJessie

oic..maybe in a bath tub then

10:32pmKevin

I was thinking shower, me standing under a shower head that's on with me leaning against the wall and one of my legs bent just enough to cover my............you know

10:35pmJessie

yea.that's a good idea.

10:35pmKevin

or me sitting on the side of a bed and the camera being off to the side, making it clearly obvious that i'm naked

10:36pmJessie

yea that;s a good one too

1 listened | put on your bra

:: 2010 16 February :: 12.01 am

today was valentines day. i was worried it would be horrible, but it really was wonderful. i was with the one i'm falling for until 8am this morning :) we went out to eat and watched a movie together and slept close all night long and i don't even care that he snored the entire time. i didn't hear from him today at all though. i know he had his child until 7 and probably crashed after that. i don't know, but he's making me crazy in a good and bad way.

jake stopped by this afternoon. we switched back belongings. it was hard to see him go- in fact it's making me cry now. he still treats me like a princess and wiped away my tears when i cried.

the night ended being kissed by someone i didn't really want to be kissed by.

i'm not sure i want to remember this day.

2 listened | put on your bra

:: 2010 5 February :: 1.04 am

never again. its obvious you don't care about me. i can't keep doing this. fuck you.

put on your bra

:: 2010 19 January :: 11.43 pm

i'm having the internal fight of my life.

yay for chest pains :(

put on your bra

:: 2010 13 January :: 5.21 pm

went tanning..spent too much money on cosmetics and hair items....i feel good! :P

put on your bra

:: 2009 27 December :: 11.13 pm
:: Mood: blah

i have a million thoughts swirling around in my head about everything, but i can't figure out what to say first. i guess this only thing i can get out is that i feel.....i don't know. i can't write this entry.

put on your bra