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nothing they said can save you

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:: 2014 22 July :: 5.23 pm
:: Mood: confused

Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was
I've kicked myself at times because I've lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
I'll tell 'em I won't be around
I'll move on over to your town and hide

And you be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cause you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you

Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there somewhere here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place I'm meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last

Did I forget to thank you for the ride
I hadn't tried I tend to runaway and hide

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 21 July :: 2.55 pm

I need to write again. I need more imagery in my life.

can you see me?

:: 2014 15 July :: 10.23 am

"I can't wait to wake up so I can go back to sleep."

can you see me?

:: 2014 15 July :: 10.11 am

I suck at my job

can you see me?

:: 2014 12 July :: 1.32 am
:: Mood: depressed

who would want to be such an asshole?
in the sun and in the rain
and in the day and in the night

pain is a flower
pain is flowers

blooming all the time.

- charles bukowski

5 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 8 July :: 9.43 pm

Negative comments. Insult on my weight and lack of conventional physical traits our society deems attractive. Plain, boring declaration of how much self-loathing I feel. Egocentric focus on mundane problems.

With the hope that tomorrow I will feel better.

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 6 July :: 3.20 am

It's that random message at 3 am that simply says "I love you".. That never comes.

And you are left waiting your whole life to be saved.

And you know you are the only one to save yourself.. And even after you saved yourself.. You still wait..

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 29 June :: 1.09 am

I hope those feelings are dead enough not to be resurrected.

can you see me?

:: 2014 26 June :: 8.16 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

First day and night in the new apartment. It has a breath taking view, so much space and storage, a nice neighborhood, quiet neighbors... I feel so at home here. I feel so good.

Maybe moving out was an over reaction.. But I did to want to get yelled at anymore and that was the second time she had done it.. And I don't think she was going to stop. I just felt so uncomfortable and unwanted, and I'm sure she felt the same way. I think her and I have a lot of negative personality traits in common, or it's the Taurus in her and the Aries in me that just mix like oil and water. I have been really depressed over the loss of a friend, because Laura an I did get along really well when we didn't hate each other. But I don't feel like she respects me and she feels like I don't respect her and it was just a toxic atmosphere.

What makes me even more upset is how she feels the need to take every opportunity she can to insult me and hate on me via face book. I fucking hate all the FB drama. It's so completely ridiculous. I do to want to smear Laura's reputation, I don't want to spread vicious ideas. I just want to move on and forget this happened. Just take the lessons I learned and move forward. And she wants to be as mean as she can, like she has some kind of personal vendetta against me. I have done so much and given her so much, trying to make her happy and help her feel better and get healthier and she just hates me for it.

And I know I can be thoughtless sometimes. I know that I have a problem with that because Sus used to get mad at me all the time. And I apologize when it happens and I try to do better the next time, but that doesn't matter. I can never repent for my sins. I just need to be torn down loud enough for everyone around to hear and in front of people I care about. Maybe I really am I horrible person like I've always thought. Or maybe I'm not. I have no fucking idea haha.

Anyway, I am completely enamored with this apartment. A few touches and some deep cleaning and it will be awesome! I am so fucking excited!! XD Lauren needs to come home and help me decorate :3

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 25 June :: 9.37 pm

Tomorrow is the big day :D

can you see me?

:: 2014 20 June :: 10.07 am

Today is just a sad day.

can you see me?

:: 2014 19 June :: 9.14 pm

How did the word "pram face" come into existence? Do you know, Jamie?

3 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 19 June :: 2.44 pm

Signing my new lease on the 27th :) planning on moving my stuff that weekend! I can't wait to have a place that is all mine.

I feel like now I am really becoming an adult. I'm completely self reliant, single, in school and holding down a full time job with the same company for 4 years! (I just had my anniversary!!)

I'm going to get organized, get on top of my spending habits.

3 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 17 June :: 12.44 pm

I find the "no make-up" look, involving make up, completely absurd.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 16 June :: 2.22 pm

Dropping off my application at a new apartment! It is so retro adorable. I love all the space, and everything will be new, and my bathroom is like 2x's bigger, so is the kitchen. It's just so cute and well laid out. :)

Plus.. Indoor heated pool. WTFFFF HELL YES haha

Sorry, john herer brings out the crazy girl in me. Haha.

I'm so excited XD

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