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:: 2015 18 April :: 3.40 pm
:: Mood: amused

I got a new job! it's still with the same company, but it's out of the wretched department im in now. it's a step back but I'm not losing any money and my schedule is essentially the same. but it's doing a lot of form work and customer service, and it also is a little bit of coverage counseling, which im a little excited about. trying not to be too much of an insurance geek... but I do think I'm gonna try and retire at liberty mutual. thats my long term goal curently.

so to celebrate the new job, and just the fact is finally fucking friday ", zoe came over and we got a Lyft downtown and started at mootsy's. we saw a guy who looked like a weird version of the dude, with a walrus and an elephant tattooed on his knees. then we went to luckys which is where I've gone the last 3 times I've gone out. and each time has been completely amazing. the crowd there is just so random, there's no real demographic. and people watching there is fabulous!!! and then you can fucking shake your booty to awoke bad ass music. the dj's mix is just so fantastic, it has modern club music and a healthy mix of 90s and some remixes. and everyone is nice and smiley and friendly. and there are some UBER dancers there. I introduced myself to one, the first one, the was so fresh, and a gorgeous dark skin tone. he said people called him token. he was so gorgoeus. then there was another dark tasty man who could move like a menace! he was having a dance off with this little white dude and he was holding his own, but very loose and messy looking. it was the coolest thing I have seen in a spell! it was so fun!

but then Zoe's boo and his posse showed up, Trevor Erin (guy, went to LC, graduated in 05) Allan and Matt. T is a sweetie, really cool dude, him and Erin are learning sing language together and have secret conversations. I'm thinking of taking some classes.. anyway Matt is a raging asshole who apparently has a very small heart of gold. but him and Erin and Allan were all just being assholes, so I go outside to have a smoke, finish one slowly, wait like 5 minutes and this girl shows up asking for a light, so I smoke another with her. she was adorkable. total sweetheart, very real person. I enjoyed talking to her, I kinda think we went to high school together but I haven't checked. anyway eventually zoe comes out in the middle of the smoke, and we sign a petition, and I go back inside, night progresses with a TON of booty shaking and Jell-O shots and booze (and water!!). t leaves with his crew to dunkles? or something, it opened a few weeks ago, and we meet them there, and Matt is enraged we are there, he fucking hates zoe for some mysterious reason. he was a douche. anyway we have a drink there, then go get hot dogs. zoe has peed twice in public at this point! we are chillin on the corner shooting shit. we get into a debate about how joking about rhianna getting hit by Chris brown is more offensive than one about the World Trade Center terrorist attack. and me and Erin see going at it. I was seeing red most of the night and this was just the perfect time to argue for arguments sake. it was nice to feel like a bitch! and a smart bitch. Allan and t were trying to keep the peace "oh they aren't really bad guys, blah blah". bullshit!

so I go with zoe to pee behind the umpqua bank (which is the bank where a and m work) and it was fun, but I got pee on my boot... anyway, these two cute girls come up and ask for a light, and they are toasted. one is really friendly and extroverted and the other was kinda bitter and introverted. the extrovert was hitting on me pretty hard, and then I impressed her by talking about my major because she was there from MN giving a speech on some business concepts. I probably could have gone with her to her hotel that night, or at least made out, but I was too chickenshit. I need to be more aggressive I think, if I ever want to get anywhere with women. I know the body language, I just get scared of that rejection if I'm wrong. (I haven't ever been wrong though, so I'm not sure what the problem is). Allan drove me and Zoe home and we hung out, finally going to bed at 4.

it was a fun night. could have been better but I had a good time nonetheless! we ran into the tattoo guy outside luckys and he was an interesting guy. weird but funny.

I'm excited for this new adventure at work. I start in two weeks. five months of training. and I think I'll have my favorite boss again!! and she'll be in training with me. I feel like I'm betraying my team members, but I need to be happy, and this job is just too sad for me.

can you see me?

:: 2015 12 April :: 9.42 pm

I don't want to go to bed..

this birthday was enjoyable. friday I had dinner with friends at my favorite sushi place, then we went to lucky's. Samie even danced! it was just me, Samie, Zoe and mike there, and we met up with kim and her group.. we ran into this dog, I think I make him insecure.. not sure haha anyway, it was good. saturday I bought a new piece, super rad double perk set up. named her thumbelina. went to bed early, then chilled with mike until he had to leave.

then I just sat and enjoyed music and third rock from the sun til me sister came. quiet evening with my family.

everything was so delicious. and everyone was so sweet. I couldn't have asked for more. it was beautiful out, and it made me happy

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 6 April :: 9.48 pm

rainbow hair for birthday... check

can you see me?

:: 2015 4 April :: 10.46 am

haven't been hung over in so long I forgot how good of a cure Mary Jane is

bjorne has da cutest face. I used to hate(daikirai!!) black dogs when they get white faved, but he has turned me

can you see me?

:: 2015 3 April :: 11.46 pm
:: Mood: druuuuuunk

do the humpty hump

groove is in the heart

and all I want is a tongue on my pussy

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 30 March :: 7.55 pm

a twisted serpent called nostalgia slipped into my stomach. i feel it churning inside me. happy memories project on a dirty screen, tinted rose to match the drapes.

as i stalk him on facebook, i grapple with my gut in a fervent battle for sovereignty, as my heart sinks heavy with sympathy, and if i knew he was home i would consider sending him a note. should i feel repulsed at myself? should i just forgive myself and go to bed early? my body yearns for his, my eyes are thirsty for is skin and lips and teeth.

do i miss him because i know i can't have him? or do i miss him because i'm desperately lonely?

i just want to destroy something beautiful, sometimes.

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 26 March :: 8.16 pm

the smell of spring gently creeping through my sliding door. always reminds me of being in love.

I'm worried I'm too jaded to ever feel love like my memories again.

it's difficult to trust people.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 26 March :: 8.20 am

words cannot do justice in expressing my loathsome feelings about doctors offices.

can you see me?

:: 2015 25 March :: 5.33 am

I've had either food poison or a stomach flu since Sunday. I missed monday, half of tuesday, and will be missing today from work.. I ruined my sheets this morning.

I don't feel as sick as my body is telling me.. and now all my sheets and towels are dirty. my house smells like shit. my dogs are disgusting.

I just wanna be better :(

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 21 March :: 1.33 pm

I feel so stupid when I wonder if I should have shaved my legs.

can you see me?

:: 2015 20 March :: 10.46 pm

my shirt got here!! and some awesome stickers! one went on my computer!! the other night find its home on bitchelle haha her first sticker.

I'll post pictures soon!!

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 17 March :: 5.27 am

what happened to me being a morning person?? there once was a time 5 was sleeping in, now I can barely get my eyes open.

I applied for a job that's lower than the one now.. I doubt it'll have late shifts though...

can you see me?

:: 2015 15 March :: 3.47 pm

I feel mush better about sitting at home alone when my dogs are around.

can you see me?

:: 2015 14 March :: 10.13 am

going to the parade with Danica :) and will see Zoe there!

I'm pretty excited :) I always want to go to parades but not by myself haha

can you see me?

:: 2015 11 March :: 8.26 pm

I'm really digging this volunteer stuff. she is so frickin awesome and I just adore her. she's so sweet and silly! I need to make her something asap!! she is ugh so cute!

and I feel so good, because I think I'm really gonna make a difference in this kids life, and it makes me feel validated as a human. I always wanted to have a big sister when I was growing up. I think my life would have turned out so differently, and now I have a chance to do it for someone else. paying it forward and showing all those judgmental d bags that just because I'm different I can't be a good role model!

maybe just doing this, and helping kids like her, maybe foster kids, idk, can fill that hole I feel for a child, without committing to it. who knows maybe I'll foster a kid that belongs to me, like kindred spirits, and that is what I should just aim for. either way I feel good about myself. win win.

I've been so happy lately. like I'm not super happy all the time but just in general I feel happy much more frequently. I laugh all the time, I smile when I'm alone. I sing to myself. I just smile like an asshole on sunny days with all my windows down and I just feel like the world is beautiful again. I feel hope for the future for the first time in forever.

I also have been trying to stop telling people what to do.. unless they ask for it. it is so hard not to own my friends problems, and I feel kinda like an asshole sometimes, but I feel a lot less guilty now, and I rarely overthink things. I just feel so at peace with myself.

it's been a good month. I can solidly say it was good. excellent maybe even. and I don't think anything (except the obvious) can bring me down.

I love my home, I love my dogs, I love my family, I love my friends and I just love being responsible for myself and building my future. I have the best possible outcomes right now for myself And I'm making the most of it!

or at least not sweating it. it's all good. I'm proud of where I am and where I've been.

I am woman. hear me roar.

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