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nothing they said can save you

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:: 2014 27 July :: 12.28 pm

for every second chance that changed its mind on me..

my head is to blame for all my heart's mistakes..

fucking essays. i hate school. one more year and i won't have to use this journal as a procrastination technique..

can you see me?

:: 2014 25 July :: 4.53 pm
:: Mood: intimidated
:: Music: Book of Love - Jimmy Eat World

it is starting to sink in.....

this really is going to be the most difficult thing i'll ever do in my life... the cacophony of emotions rattling inside me. i think my mini-breakdown a few days ago was a temper tantrum from little me, a defiant act before she's extinguished and i rise like a phoenix into my real self.

oh god i love jimmy eat world. Ian Davis hates jimmy eat world. we started talking again a little big ago and he was everything i could have ever hoped for and more.. and then he told me that. and we kinda stopped talking... what a sick, sad world we live in. hahahahaha oh shit this medicine is strong.

i am staying home this weekend. i don't want to go anywhere, i don't want to do anything but be comfy, productive, and heavily medicated. i'm going to identify my emotions 3 times a day and not procrastinate too badly. (last night i mopped the kitchen floor at 9PM after getting medicated with alexz, without having taken any aleve all day. i was so sore to start, but then i was like 'i reeeeeeally don't wanna' and compromised that i would mop the floor before doing it. then i texted some people because it would have been rude to make them wait and then i realized that is completely ridiculous and my friends would never want me to put them in front of myself while i'm trying to heal. (i feel so so weird saying that. getting better is immensely complicated inside my head. i think way too much)

so i identified (i always spell that indentified. always. at work, at home, only at work i don't use spell check. i must look so stupid haha) 3 emotions and i marked them down (i didn't have to) but i wanted to see if there were any patterns during my experiences and what not. my only wish is that she would have printed it on anything but bright ass fucking yellow paper. i have no idea why it is yellow. i just wanted something i could take out at my desk and look at without getting any questions about it. sigh. hahahahahaha first world problems.

i feel like a whiny bitch. so many people have it so much worse than me, so i should just be thankful for what i do have. but should i feel guilty for getting help that is available to me? is it terrible to donate to alleviate this guilt? what are the alternatives? how is that perceived?

is that even something people that aren't celebrities worry about? nathan at anchored art and his finance are going to kenya (i think it's kenya) on their honey moon to help kids over there build a school or something like that? how amazing is that?? i would be so scared to go over there... knowing that all those girls just vanished there, and being a woman myself, i would feel extremely terrified the whole time that maybe this village would get raided too. i don't know, i admire that greatly, and i would if i could physically and mentally make that trip, but i just can't. does that make me a shitty person? i feel like a shitty person.

but i hate human beings so much. it's like.. over the years my hatred has gotten softer, as i see people more like myself than as an evil them army. i have realized everyone is fucked up. my doctor asked me if i knew any ''healthy'' people.. i told her no, every single person i know is a little messed up. and that's what attracts me to them. i know they won't judge me too harshly and we can commiserate with one another on our traumas and maybe help each other heal or at least feel a little bit more human. (i didn't get that deep into it with her, but that's what i wish i had said). and she looked at me as if that was a weird answer! idk... i really don't think i've ever met a "healthy" person!!

i think i'm going to sit outside. :)

4 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 22 July :: 5.23 pm
:: Mood: confused

Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was
I've kicked myself at times because I've lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
I'll tell 'em I won't be around
I'll move on over to your town and hide

And you be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cause you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you

Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there somewhere here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place I'm meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last

Did I forget to thank you for the ride
I hadn't tried I tend to runaway and hide

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 21 July :: 2.55 pm

I need to write again. I need more imagery in my life.

can you see me?

:: 2014 15 July :: 10.23 am

"I can't wait to wake up so I can go back to sleep."

can you see me?

:: 2014 15 July :: 10.11 am

I suck at my job

can you see me?

:: 2014 12 July :: 1.32 am
:: Mood: depressed

who would want to be such an asshole?
in the sun and in the rain
and in the day and in the night

pain is a flower
pain is flowers

blooming all the time.

- charles bukowski

5 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 8 July :: 9.43 pm

Negative comments. Insult on my weight and lack of conventional physical traits our society deems attractive. Plain, boring declaration of how much self-loathing I feel. Egocentric focus on mundane problems.

With the hope that tomorrow I will feel better.

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 6 July :: 3.20 am

It's that random message at 3 am that simply says "I love you".. That never comes.

And you are left waiting your whole life to be saved.

And you know you are the only one to save yourself.. And even after you saved yourself.. You still wait..

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 29 June :: 1.09 am

I hope those feelings are dead enough not to be resurrected.

can you see me?

:: 2014 26 June :: 8.16 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

First day and night in the new apartment. It has a breath taking view, so much space and storage, a nice neighborhood, quiet neighbors... I feel so at home here. I feel so good.

Maybe moving out was an over reaction.. But I did to want to get yelled at anymore and that was the second time she had done it.. And I don't think she was going to stop. I just felt so uncomfortable and unwanted, and I'm sure she felt the same way. I think her and I have a lot of negative personality traits in common, or it's the Taurus in her and the Aries in me that just mix like oil and water. I have been really depressed over the loss of a friend, because Laura an I did get along really well when we didn't hate each other. But I don't feel like she respects me and she feels like I don't respect her and it was just a toxic atmosphere.

What makes me even more upset is how she feels the need to take every opportunity she can to insult me and hate on me via face book. I fucking hate all the FB drama. It's so completely ridiculous. I do to want to smear Laura's reputation, I don't want to spread vicious ideas. I just want to move on and forget this happened. Just take the lessons I learned and move forward. And she wants to be as mean as she can, like she has some kind of personal vendetta against me. I have done so much and given her so much, trying to make her happy and help her feel better and get healthier and she just hates me for it.

And I know I can be thoughtless sometimes. I know that I have a problem with that because Sus used to get mad at me all the time. And I apologize when it happens and I try to do better the next time, but that doesn't matter. I can never repent for my sins. I just need to be torn down loud enough for everyone around to hear and in front of people I care about. Maybe I really am I horrible person like I've always thought. Or maybe I'm not. I have no fucking idea haha.

Anyway, I am completely enamored with this apartment. A few touches and some deep cleaning and it will be awesome! I am so fucking excited!! XD Lauren needs to come home and help me decorate :3

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 25 June :: 9.37 pm

Tomorrow is the big day :D

can you see me?

:: 2014 20 June :: 10.07 am

Today is just a sad day.

can you see me?

:: 2014 19 June :: 9.14 pm

How did the word "pram face" come into existence? Do you know, Jamie?

3 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 19 June :: 2.44 pm

Signing my new lease on the 27th :) planning on moving my stuff that weekend! I can't wait to have a place that is all mine.

I feel like now I am really becoming an adult. I'm completely self reliant, single, in school and holding down a full time job with the same company for 4 years! (I just had my anniversary!!)

I'm going to get organized, get on top of my spending habits.

3 can... | can you see me? | Random Journal