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:: 2014 27 August :: 8.07 pm

first session of EMDR completed.

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:: 2014 27 August :: 12.54 pm

"hell is other people."

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:: 2014 26 August :: 7.45 am
:: Mood: accomplished

About to start my first level 400 class in college. They all seem to be the same class (my schedule is present for the next four classes):
MGT 415 Group Behavior in Organizations
MGT 435 Organizational Change
COM 425 Communication in Organizations
SOC 402 Contemporary Social Problems & the Workplace

Right now I'm learning about human resources management. it's essentially been a class on writing about what job i want to get to, which is exactly what they already have me doing at work, so it's like doing career development at work, but i'm paying a school to make me do it.

i'll be done by june of next year. i've been in and out of college for the past 8 years, it feels so good to know that soon i will have this stupid, but highly necessary, piece of paper that will tell people that i am able to stick with something to the end, no matter how tedious, boring and redundant it is. i took the day off work to write the final, not really sure what the final is (since I haven't bothered to look), but it's either a test or an 8-10 page essay. nothing ridiculous, but the same thing as every other class i've taken so far.

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about where i want to eventually end up. do i really want to stay with my current employer? do i maybe want to pursue some other line of work besides insurance? no one ever dreams of ending up in the world of casualty and liability insurance, but it's a necessary field, which is only growing by the day. it's nice to know that my job will stick around for years to come, and the company that i'm working for now is extremely socially responsible and ethical. i don't worry about some horrible crisis coming up, some CEO who couldn't help but skim off the top. i used to really enjoy the culture of my workplace... we've started switching to a new way of doing things, since the merger its slowly been happening, and it's really been in your face the past two years, and maybe it's just the current department i'm in, but i feel like everyone i work with is a harpie sometimes.

i'm thinking i'll just keep switching around within the company to new roles until i've tried enough to know if i want to stay or not. i want to be a business analyst, or a scheduler, an underwriter, or someone in HR. i have had enough of working with customers, of being a front-line worker bee. i'm tired of dealing with people who know nothing about what i'm doing, but still expect the moon. people who can't empathize back at me when i empathize with them. i've gotten really cold and harsh in the past year.

my focus at school is the management aspect of an organization. i had the opportunity to apply for a management position that would be a lateral move, in a department that is simply for the support of adjusters and agents, but i was too scared to apply. i can hardly manage myself properly, who am i to think i could manage other people.

hopefully this therapy will help me build up my confidence to actually become something. i've already become so much more productive at work. i haven't taken a nap at my desk for at least a month now, which is something i am extremely proud of (i used to nap 2-3 mins every 30-45 mins), i still call in sick at least once every few weeks, but that is so much better than every week. i feel motivated to get things done, and while i still hate my job, i know at least i'm doing it right, and giving it at least a majority of my effort.

I just never, ever, want to be like Samie at work. it's as though her whole self-worth pivots on work, and spreading herself too thin, and being stressed out to the point of meltdowns. i just can't bring myself to care that much about something that isn't me. that sounds really, really selfish, but i want my whole self-worth to rest squarely on me. not numbers at work, at school, or what other people think of me. i want to be the only one that can control how i feel about myself.

and i am well on my way towards that.

so here's to the future, with good friends, strong family, and happy times!

can you see me?

:: 2014 24 August :: 12.49 pm

ururururuuuu I just wanna puke :(

someone bring me medicine :'(

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:: 2014 21 August :: 12.23 pm

I'm tired of the whole "if you aren't doing what you love you're wasting time" and all that shit.

if everyone did what they loved, no one would work the shitty jobs essential to our society.

and honestly, how many people succeed at "doing what they love"? not many.

every article I've read about "following my passion" is written by someone who was really successful at a normal job and was able to switch to what they love because they had job experience and money.

stop making me feel like I'm wasting my life at this desk job. because I know I'll never make a living as a professional weed smoker.


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:: 2014 19 August :: 4.48 pm
:: Mood: naughty

hi my name is godessalthena, and I have a nickleback problem.

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:: 2014 14 August :: 10.59 am
:: Mood: devastated

claim #1 - suicide by gunshot in the mouth
claim #2 - insured is incarcerated for murdering his wife

got my mid year review: not meeting ANY goals for the year

was talked down to by two other employees about how I do my job. was treated like I'm a fucking moron who doesn't know what I'm doing.

what the fuck am I doing with my life?
I am smart. I am lovable. I am worthwhile and valuable as an individual.

I can't wait until I have my degree, so I can get out of this hellhole of a department.

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:: 2014 12 August :: 9.03 pm

this is going to be such an epic weekend!! supernatural marathon with Alexz on Thursday night, and Sunday with lala at Silverwood! plus I'm going to bake some cookies and make a care package for Zuzu! making lighters and getting my hair cut possibly on Saturday..

(I feel really shitty for being so excited for the weekend in light of what happened to Robbin Williams, but to be honest I am happy for him, because after being there (in a deep depression), I could completely understand his choice. I feel similar to how I felt when skyler killed himself. I feel almost numb, like my heart skipped a beat after being gripped in utter despair and loss, but also with a timid happiness that maybe he finally found some relief. he was finally free.)

can you see me?

:: 2014 12 August :: 8.10 pm

god damn I love me some last days of april...

what ever became of angel_bob anyway...

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:: 2014 10 August :: 7.30 pm

how do you tell someone nicely to leave you alone?

i'm about to lose my shit.

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:: 2014 7 August :: 9.41 pm

i just kinda feel like i'm floating right now. through my life. i'm going through all the motions like a little worker bee. i feel a little lost, i know where i'm "going" but where am i really going? what do i want?

i mean, i want a better job, a college degree, and a nice car. ok, that's great, that's really just basic blah. why don't i start making more solid goals? start really figuring out what i want?

when do i wake up and say "oh shit, what am i doing? i've wasted x amount of my life doing something i don't love"? i'm afraid that my future self will regret the things my present self is doing. but what exactly could i be doing differently that would make me happy?

am i just trying to find things to worry about and be unhappy about? my doctor has given me some really good coping tools, which i am currently practicing. i'm sure after i go to bed and clear my thoughts and ground myself, i'll feel better.

i had a lovely day today. i spent after work with alexz and we watched supernatural and did the usual PB&J things, which is awesome. in addition to our usual shenanigans, we made the most delicious home-made ramen ever. it was so good. it was salty, but so good. its the first thing i've made in a long time that has actually turned out amazing haha.

i'm excited to try that curry dish my mom made. it was like.. chicken curry soup with rice noodles. it was so delicious. with cilantro and peanuts on the top.

i have so many crochet projects i need to do, but sometimes i just really lack the motivation to do something so repetitive haha. i LOVE crocheting, so so so much. i just need to start rewatching a show or spotify needs to stop being a turd nugget.

anyway, i'm full of trepidation. i feel very resistant. i'm scared and ashamed of that. but i will change, and i will be happy.

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:: 2014 27 July :: 12.28 pm

for every second chance that changed its mind on me..

my head is to blame for all my heart's mistakes..

fucking essays. i hate school. one more year and i won't have to use this journal as a procrastination technique..

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:: 2014 25 July :: 4.53 pm
:: Mood: intimidated
:: Music: Book of Love - Jimmy Eat World

it is starting to sink in.....

this really is going to be the most difficult thing i'll ever do in my life... the cacophony of emotions rattling inside me. i think my mini-breakdown a few days ago was a temper tantrum from little me, a defiant act before she's extinguished and i rise like a phoenix into my real self.

oh god i love jimmy eat world. Ian Davis hates jimmy eat world. we started talking again a little big ago and he was everything i could have ever hoped for and more.. and then he told me that. and we kinda stopped talking... what a sick, sad world we live in. hahahahaha oh shit this medicine is strong.

i am staying home this weekend. i don't want to go anywhere, i don't want to do anything but be comfy, productive, and heavily medicated. i'm going to identify my emotions 3 times a day and not procrastinate too badly. (last night i mopped the kitchen floor at 9PM after getting medicated with alexz, without having taken any aleve all day. i was so sore to start, but then i was like 'i reeeeeeally don't wanna' and compromised that i would mop the floor before doing it. then i texted some people because it would have been rude to make them wait and then i realized that is completely ridiculous and my friends would never want me to put them in front of myself while i'm trying to heal. (i feel so so weird saying that. getting better is immensely complicated inside my head. i think way too much)

so i identified (i always spell that indentified. always. at work, at home, only at work i don't use spell check. i must look so stupid haha) 3 emotions and i marked them down (i didn't have to) but i wanted to see if there were any patterns during my experiences and what not. my only wish is that she would have printed it on anything but bright ass fucking yellow paper. i have no idea why it is yellow. i just wanted something i could take out at my desk and look at without getting any questions about it. sigh. hahahahahaha first world problems.

i feel like a whiny bitch. so many people have it so much worse than me, so i should just be thankful for what i do have. but should i feel guilty for getting help that is available to me? is it terrible to donate to alleviate this guilt? what are the alternatives? how is that perceived?

is that even something people that aren't celebrities worry about? nathan at anchored art and his finance are going to kenya (i think it's kenya) on their honey moon to help kids over there build a school or something like that? how amazing is that?? i would be so scared to go over there... knowing that all those girls just vanished there, and being a woman myself, i would feel extremely terrified the whole time that maybe this village would get raided too. i don't know, i admire that greatly, and i would if i could physically and mentally make that trip, but i just can't. does that make me a shitty person? i feel like a shitty person.

but i hate human beings so much. it's like.. over the years my hatred has gotten softer, as i see people more like myself than as an evil them army. i have realized everyone is fucked up. my doctor asked me if i knew any ''healthy'' people.. i told her no, every single person i know is a little messed up. and that's what attracts me to them. i know they won't judge me too harshly and we can commiserate with one another on our traumas and maybe help each other heal or at least feel a little bit more human. (i didn't get that deep into it with her, but that's what i wish i had said). and she looked at me as if that was a weird answer! idk... i really don't think i've ever met a "healthy" person!!

i think i'm going to sit outside. :)

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:: 2014 22 July :: 5.23 pm
:: Mood: confused

Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was
I've kicked myself at times because I've lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
I'll tell 'em I won't be around
I'll move on over to your town and hide

And you be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cause you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you

Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there somewhere here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place I'm meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last

Did I forget to thank you for the ride
I hadn't tried I tend to runaway and hide

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:: 2014 21 July :: 2.55 pm

I need to write again. I need more imagery in my life.

can you see me? | Random Journal