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nothing they said can save you

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:: 2015 24 January :: 5.09 pm
:: Mood: satisfied

I dig my toes into the sand. the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind and pretend I am weightless, and in this moment I am happy.

can you see me?

:: 2015 22 January :: 10.19 am

stayed home today.. didn't want to go to work and deal with these emotions. processed Samie in therapy.

it's hard to let go, take a step back, when you see them every day. that relationship has been causing me frustration and hurt and sadness.

I've poured almost three years of my life into her, and most of the time she couldn't care less about me. it's just take, take, take. me me me.

I can't remember if it was always like this, but i get mad at myself for thinking the pretty things she said were true.

and now she's turned into someone I hardly recognize.

and I still see her almost every day.

can you see me?

:: 2015 16 January :: 10.07 am

just got laid, Friday night. party's hopping, feeling right.

can you see me?

:: 2015 9 January :: 5.13 am

the key to happiness involves two things:

1. invest in yourself. love yourself like you'd love your one true love. if you wouldn't do it to them, don't do it to yourself.

2. invest time in those who invest time into you. there are a lot of people vying for your attention, and not all of them will give you the respect you deserve. be a little choosy with your love, because the people you choose to love act like a mirror for how you love yourself.

I've learned so much since I started therapy. and not only learned, but held accountable for implementing and following through on these changes.

I also have become more and more convinced that karma is real. you get out of life what you put in, so I've been trying to avoid doing thing I wouldn't want to happen to me. and fighting for truth, love and justice.

like j says, there are going to be good days and there are going to be terrible days. it's impodtnat to remember that pain is temporary, and letting things go feels so much better than holding on when it comes to things like hatred, pain, jealousy, worthlessness, hopelessness, or revenge.

growing up hasn't really been fun, but with the tools I've aquired, and the skills I'm strengthening, I know my future will be much more fun than it was to get to this point.

p.s. I've lost 10lbs since November :D

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 6 January :: 9.26 pm

a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day turned into......

the best mental health day taken in a long time <3

much needed pb&j time completely recovered me. and helped me realize that it's okay to have bad days, as long as you give them the opportunity to get better.

I am eternally grateful to have an amazing support system. and I'm so glad Alexz and I were able to become so close! I would never have imagined!


can you see me?

:: 2015 6 January :: 11.44 am

life is too long to be good.

can you see me?

:: 2015 6 January :: 7.47 am
:: Mood: cynical

sometimes, I just need to hear I'm not worthless.

and yet no one seems to be able to say it when I really need it.

I just want to feel like I'm not an insignificant speck of shit on a cold planet hurtling through a vast empty cosmos.

but that's all I am. and that's all I'll ever be, and it hurts.

there is no such thing as love, or happiness, or futures, or magic, or faeries. there's just a supermassive black hole slowly eating anything and everything that it touches. I can see it as it pulls me in, and I am completely powerless to stop it.

"And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

can you see me?

:: 2015 5 January :: 6.10 am

another Monday. finals week starts tomorrow. but at least the stupid holiday season is over!!

it's my moms birthday today. I made her a hat. she hates her birthday, but hopefully this year is bearable!

can you see me?

:: 2015 1 January :: 9.31 am

this year, over all, sucked. but there were a few good parts. a lot of healing and growing.

hopefully this year will be better. and doesn't fly by.

can you see me?

:: 2014 28 December :: 8.27 pm

so many things about now. I don't even know where to start..

what exactly is "living" at 26?

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 20 December :: 1.53 pm

can I just go crawl in a hole and die? maybe in a whole where other disgusting filthy stupid losers have died before? that'd be great...

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 20 December :: 7.43 am

South Park, on my second bowl, made Alfredo. not even 8 yet.

can you see me?

:: 2014 19 December :: 6.13 pm

this week fucking sucked. outside of the awesome gift I got! I'm just really fucking bummed out and sad and feeling like a disgusting failure. a total joke.

what the fuck am I doing.


just fucking why.

can you see me?

:: 2014 19 December :: 5.39 pm

I was going to do an actual update.. but then I played with bitchelle until my fingers hurt and I feel a lil better.. so I'll save the update for later

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 17 December :: 6.57 am

I feel like shit today. like that feeling were you are right on the edge of nausea.

I just want to go home a cuddle with my puppies.

can you see me? | Random Journal