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nothing they said can save you

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:: 2014 23 October :: 10.37 am

canceled my hair cut yesterday since it was it was my last opportunity to be alone before Mike gets here. I'm already exhausted just thinking about all the social interaction I'll be having while he's here.

then I think about the rest of my life, and wonder if maybe I should try to be more social or risk regretting these years as wasted since I'm young and free currently.

and then I think "fuck it" and remain antisocial, because a lot of the time being alone is just so fantastic. I think the part I love the most is nobody expects me to talk. it's just so nice, not feeling pressured to participate in a conversation. not needing to think of something interesting or relevant to say. not worrying whether I'm being boring or sounding stupid or something. I really hate talking. I like listening. hate talking.

I'm not even sure why I hate it so much. I haven't had a negative experience involving me talking in quite a while, so what makes me dread it so much? no clue. but here's to hoping someday it goes away!

3 can... | can you see me?


:: 2014 20 October :: 11.43 am

I don't think its really as bad as all that.

when it rains it pours though.

and right now I feel like I might get caught in the undertow

can you see me?


:: 2014 16 October :: 8.13 pm

ALEXZ FIXED MY COMCAST!!!

she is magic I fucking swear. I am so fucking jazzed I could dance

fuck this is awesome

can you see me?


:: 2014 16 October :: 9.54 am

after my appointment I went home and started to sketch the drawing she asked me to make a month ago. needless to say I hated everything I drew.

I need to update my style. I don't even watch anime anymore, and I feel like my drawings are so childish now.

I am really excited for after work. I might leave early for mental health reasons but I seem to be managing the sad pretty well.

we went thru 18-21 last night. those were probably some of the worst years of my life. I had successfully forgotten about a lot of the things that surfaced in the session. I honestly don't know how I survived. those were dark days.

can you see me?


:: 2014 14 October :: 11.57 am

"just because you're small doesn't mean you aren't important"

can you see me?


:: 2014 14 October :: 11.01 am

this job is an endless fountain of misery for me. I hate the system, I hate the bureaucracy, the fake asinine entitled fuck heads in the department. I hate all the stupid fucking meetings.

I am so bad at what I do. and by bad I mean I'm extremely average. and that destroys my self esteem but I also can't find enough fucks to give to actually try to do better.

everyone gets kudos, except me. because I don't really fucking try. cuz what will it do? I don't have new revolutionary ideas, I don't see the problems in the machine, so no matter how hard I work, I'll still get a shitty review. so what's the point?

no one gives two shits about me here. I'm just a number. a warm body.

fuck LEAN methodology. fuck lms. I'm fucking done

can you see me?


:: 2014 3 October :: 10.43 am

heading to ocean shores with Emily :D soooooo pumped!!

can you see me?


:: 2014 30 September :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: funky fresh
:: Music: better than ezra

I got a little bit of hope,
Like a soap on a rope
Sweeter than sour
Gettin' thinner by the hour
Fallin' fast and I'm runnin' out of gas
Noggin' on your sister smart as Bobby Fisher
Still I couldn't get arrested
Though I got more hooks
Than Madonna got looks
Just like that AC/DC song,
"C'mon baby, shake me all night long"

All I want to do
Is get up early in the morning
(oh I love you baby)
And all I gotta say to you
Is your love's extra ordinary
You're extra ordinary baby

Somebody pushed me through the door
I've been sleepin' on the floor
Thirty one flavors listen to
The neighbors through the wall
And a deputant ball
Use a lot on Visa got a Mona Lisa
So much for the late brand
Cause your money's spent
And it's cold inside
Just like that Barenaked Ladies song
"I'm hot like a wasabe when I'm next to your body"

All I want to do
Is get up early in the morning
(oh I love you baby)
And all I gotta say to you
Is your love's extra ordinary
You're extra ordinary baby

Your love's such a sweet thing

can you see me?


:: 2014 27 September :: 1.50 pm

this might be the one
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

- Khalil Gibran

can you see me?


:: 2014 26 September :: 12.31 pm
:: Music: houses

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cPo-fGfj5i8
Follow the path that you made through the holes in my chest
I found all your pretty things tied into knots where they rest.

I stayed up all night in the color soaked dreams you project
But you find me alone when the sun resonates in my head

And I just want to see you around
I just want your back to my front all night long as it is

And I thought that I figured it out
I burned all the videotapes that we watched as a kid

I stayed up all night in a daze where your body had been
and you'll find me alone in the morning with all of our sins

can you see me?


:: 2014 26 September :: 9.03 am
:: Mood: jubilant

life is so beautiful.

and things are so good.

and tomorrow will be sunny.

and I can't wait to carpe diem the shit out of every day.

cuz #yolo so brush your teeth and look both ways before you cross the street.

can you see me?


:: 2014 24 September :: 9.28 pm

I often worry about "trying too hard".

how will I know?

what if I already am..

1 can... | can you see me?


:: 2014 22 September :: 1.01 pm

"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"

Rose Kennedy

can you see me?


:: 2014 22 September :: 12.04 pm
:: Mood: triumphant
:: Music: eagel seagulls - I'm starting to hate your face

saturday I get a text from a number I don't have saved. I ask who it is, it's patrick.

he asked me if I was home because he was super horny and missed me. I told him I wasn't, but asked about his relationship status (last time I texted him he had informed me he was dating someone, I deleted his number after that) and he said it hadn't worked out.

q: why not?

a: she wasn't very nice.

and then, within me grew a wonderous and terrible feeling. VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF DEMOCRACY as well as that feeling of disgust because he overlooked me for a total bitch.

I told him I have missed his dick, but I'd have to think about it because I was at a birthday thing. I put my phone in my purse and didn't look at it between 9pm and 10am the next day...

12 missed calls, 7 texts, 2 voice mails.. all from his phone number... the voice mails... I couldn't really understand what he was saying in the first one, the second one he's begging me to call him. it was just like the night he had to have his stomach pumped..

I texted him at 1pm and asked him if he was ok, he was fine, just was too drunk last night. I told him I had never had that many missed calls from one person before.. he just says lol sorry about that..

my response: oh it's ok, I hadn't looked at my phone until this morning, so it didn't bother me.

"Lol"

and I say to myself.... BOOM MOTHERFUCKING ROASTED, assfuck.

you think you can play me? you think you can throw me away and expect me to come crawling back because I was so hopelessly putty in your hands before? you dumb mother fucker. you petulant imbecile.

you're miserable because your world is made up of you, and everyone one else is just a tool for you. and you just try to buy people's love, because you don't know how to earn it from people worth anything. your friends are all assholes. you are an asshole. and I made a mistake wasting my time on you.

but I've learned. and the one time I pursue something purely for shallow reasons it turns out just the way it always does.

sent patrick a link to the song above. and all I hope he gets from it is "fuck you" and doesn't message me again.

if he does.. well, let's just say that hell hath no wrath, yadda yadda, you know the rest.

maybe I do have anger issues...



4 can... | can you see me?


:: 2014 19 September :: 9.47 pm

I'm at a house party.

fuck this.

I feel like everyone is 12

2 can... | can you see me?

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