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nothing they said can save you

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:: 2015 23 November :: 11.41 am

day number 6 with out power.

it's supposed to snow tonight.

thanksgiving had been cancelled.

I just want to enjoy sleeping in my bed again.

can you see me?

:: 2015 12 November :: 7.02 pm

to build a fire

by jack London

read it

can you see me?

:: 2015 11 November :: 2.17 pm

dear sex,

I love you, but you have gotten me nowhere and given me nothing.

that being said, I am swearing off of you until i meet someone who wants more than my mouth around their gentialia.


can you see me?

:: 2015 4 November :: 5.59 pm

some days are really fucking black. the darkest of skies, the loudest screams in the wind. i can't escape from the sounds, a cacophony of insanity wraps itself deep into my inner ear. the birds have all left for winter, and soon the only sound will be of my feet on the ice and snow.

i found a dead bird at work a few weeks ago. it flew into the window. it couldn't decipher reflections from reality, and so it died. it was a little sparrow. not sure what kind, it's head was completely obliterated. i wanted to pick it up and bury it, but being at work and making a real effort to tune down my creepiness, i left him to nature's devices. the next day he was gone. I don't usually go out to that area, it was completely by chance that i should find him.

that sparrow caused memories to resurface. i was taken back to Seattle, where after some massive rain, i found a dead mouse outside of my dorm (which, incidentally, has been demolished and replaced with a newer facility. curse be on that infernal hell hole.), who i watched decay over a few weeks. we never had a ceremony like we talked about..

and then i think about all the years to come. all those days and nights, the heat and the rain, the pain and the joy... and it seems like such an eternity. people always say don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. what if the problem isn't temporary, though? my life has been a series of painful attacks on my person, some involuntary, some voluntary, and always, i have "overcome" them. but now i only feel an emptiness. i see everything through a cynical lens. the past seems so surreal. i don't even recognize myself.

but who is amelia anyway. who the fuck is she? she has done so many terrible, unspeakable things. she's done many wonderful things. but she's never right and she's never happy. all the cookie cutter people in her life create doubt in herself - they have never really known what its like to be victimized. they brush off my past as though it didn't happen, and all that matters for me is today. i can't do that. if my life was vanilla, okay, sure, i could just forget it, because there'd be nothing to remember. but i've lived more than the 27 years i am, and my experiences have colored the world in a dark light. the glass is stained from the soot of my burning psyche.

but some days are really good, and if i can distract myself enough, i can forget about the storms for a moment. i smoke a ridiculous amount of weed now. i feel a little terrible about it, maybe enough to quit it for a month.. after the holidays.. because i don't know how well i could handle them without it.

i think i am going to post some ads on craigslist looking for anyone who knows andrew. i need to know where he went. i need to know what kind of person he really was. i don't think i knew the andrew everyone else did. i am still stuck on him. almost a year later. i just need some closure.

i want to have the last word almost always. but this time, i need it. i need something. i am hoping maybe that will help me resolve some of these negative emotions, healing my ability to have a relationship someday.

i hate having such deep trust issues.

anyway. me and j got our nipples pierced together. samie was there, her boyfriend did the piercing. it was pretty radtastic and i think i am still riding that high. also: permanent high beams has been my dream since middle school.


that's one mark on the "win" column.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 29 October :: 6.20 am

who the fuck am I

can you see me?

:: 2015 22 October :: 9.05 am

dead men are the only ones to keep secrets.

not saying I'm starting my war path (just yet), but this is a critical moment in my life.

I have reached a precipice, I must decide to jump or stand my ground.

and I'm afraid of which one I might choose.

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 19 October :: 9.49 pm

I am color blind
coffee black and egg white

can you see me?

:: 2015 16 October :: 6.49 am

Digging my way out of debt feels good. So does having money in my savings account.

Now if only I could fucking sleep.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 15 October :: 11.51 pm

being in any type of committed relationship scares the absolute shit out of me

but I want to feel loved and wanted with every fiber of my being

I don't know if I can over come these feelings

I feel so powerless

can you see me?

:: 2015 13 October :: 12.42 pm

I'm well acquainted with villains who live in my head
they beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead

can you see me?

:: 2015 11 October :: 12.59 pm

and they say
You can't wake up, this is not a dream,
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being,
With your face all made up, living on a screen,
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline.

I think there's a flaw in my code...
these voices won't leave me alone....

can you see me?

:: 2015 4 October :: 1.20 pm
:: Mood: malaise

mental illness is constantly evolving and adapting to circumvent the measures one takes to conquer it.

instead of feeling eternal pain and misery, I feel hollow, aimless, restless. I feel bored, impatient, confused.

I don't know what I want or what I need. I don't know what to do. I have completed a major chapter in life, looking bewildered into the future, feeling utterly overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.

I keep waiting to get sick. I feel like I've had the "day before the flu" feeling for two or more weeks, but nothing ever gets worse. I'm just waiting for something to fall.

it's dark in here by myself

can you see me?

:: 2015 22 September :: 5.34 pm

was he even real?

can you see me?

:: 2015 21 September :: 8.41 pm

"but you're special"

I am a unique snowflake

in the middle of a blizzard in Antarctica

but what happens after global warming

we will all melt away

can you see me?

:: 2015 15 September :: 11.55 am

how can you keep trusting when all you ever do is get hurt

how can you keep believing when love is so obviously dead

how can you keep breathing knowing that love and trust don't exist

how does the world keep spinning when nothing matters?

grasping for any straw you can see, hoping you'll find the one that doesn't break off

and ultimately realizing that straws will always break, and there's nothing to save you

falling into the dark abyss but knowing the only difference is the blindfold of innocence has been removed

it's too dark to see the others who are falling too so you lean back and wait for the bottom to raise to great you

if the heartbreak of slipping doesn't kill you, the impact at the end will finish the job

can you see me? | Random Journal