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nothing they said can save you

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:: 2014 27 September :: 1.50 pm

this might be the one
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

- Khalil Gibran

can you see me?

:: 2014 26 September :: 12.31 pm
:: Music: houses
Follow the path that you made through the holes in my chest
I found all your pretty things tied into knots where they rest.

I stayed up all night in the color soaked dreams you project
But you find me alone when the sun resonates in my head

And I just want to see you around
I just want your back to my front all night long as it is

And I thought that I figured it out
I burned all the videotapes that we watched as a kid

I stayed up all night in a daze where your body had been
and you'll find me alone in the morning with all of our sins

can you see me?

:: 2014 26 September :: 9.03 am
:: Mood: jubilant

life is so beautiful.

and things are so good.

and tomorrow will be sunny.

and I can't wait to carpe diem the shit out of every day.

cuz #yolo so brush your teeth and look both ways before you cross the street.

can you see me?

:: 2014 24 September :: 9.28 pm

I often worry about "trying too hard".

how will I know?

what if I already am..

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 22 September :: 1.01 pm

"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"

Rose Kennedy

can you see me?

:: 2014 22 September :: 12.04 pm
:: Mood: triumphant
:: Music: eagel seagulls - I'm starting to hate your face

saturday I get a text from a number I don't have saved. I ask who it is, it's patrick.

he asked me if I was home because he was super horny and missed me. I told him I wasn't, but asked about his relationship status (last time I texted him he had informed me he was dating someone, I deleted his number after that) and he said it hadn't worked out.

q: why not?

a: she wasn't very nice.

and then, within me grew a wonderous and terrible feeling. VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF DEMOCRACY as well as that feeling of disgust because he overlooked me for a total bitch.

I told him I have missed his dick, but I'd have to think about it because I was at a birthday thing. I put my phone in my purse and didn't look at it between 9pm and 10am the next day...

12 missed calls, 7 texts, 2 voice mails.. all from his phone number... the voice mails... I couldn't really understand what he was saying in the first one, the second one he's begging me to call him. it was just like the night he had to have his stomach pumped..

I texted him at 1pm and asked him if he was ok, he was fine, just was too drunk last night. I told him I had never had that many missed calls from one person before.. he just says lol sorry about that..

my response: oh it's ok, I hadn't looked at my phone until this morning, so it didn't bother me.


and I say to myself.... BOOM MOTHERFUCKING ROASTED, assfuck.

you think you can play me? you think you can throw me away and expect me to come crawling back because I was so hopelessly putty in your hands before? you dumb mother fucker. you petulant imbecile.

you're miserable because your world is made up of you, and everyone one else is just a tool for you. and you just try to buy people's love, because you don't know how to earn it from people worth anything. your friends are all assholes. you are an asshole. and I made a mistake wasting my time on you.

but I've learned. and the one time I pursue something purely for shallow reasons it turns out just the way it always does.

sent patrick a link to the song above. and all I hope he gets from it is "fuck you" and doesn't message me again.

if he does.. well, let's just say that hell hath no wrath, yadda yadda, you know the rest.

maybe I do have anger issues...

4 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 19 September :: 9.47 pm

I'm at a house party.

fuck this.

I feel like everyone is 12

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 17 September :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: optimistic

goals for the week:
1.) go to gym at least for one day
2.) get coloring materials
3.) finish Aimee's gift
4.) get shelves from parental units
5.) start on wind spirit picture
6.) start Alexz's jelly fish or toothless

seems like a lot!! but I know I can do it! feeling pretty good after that session with the dr. probably one of the most productive yet!

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 17 September :: 10.08 am

listened to the song "hey man nice shot" by filter.

looked up the meaning.

read about budd dwyer.

watched him give his final speech.

watching him shoot himself in the mouth.

death is such a hard thing to wrap my head around.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 13 September :: 11.49 pm

I feel like such a copy cat. a fraud. is this really me? but I love who I am. and I hate how a lot of people make me feel. I know I should care what these strangers think, but knowing it and actually believing it are two different things.

do people only wear addidas because they want to be original? or is that some other shoe brand? that's my point - who fucking knows/cares?

aside from this, the fair was absolutely amazing <3 it was such a beautiful night, with lovely Alexz, and much vegging after. it was truly the best incarnation of the fair experience. we even went in the black hole. that was so trippy!!

I'll post some pictures soon

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 13 September :: 3.10 am

people throw that word around as if it means nothing.

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 8 September :: 10.57 am

trip to Montana: EPIC
best trip by far in recent memory. we did so much awesome it is hard to remember all of it!!
(this pasta I made is by far the best box pasta batch yet. that it I'm just really high and hungry haha)
also: sober the while trip. had a total of 3 beers, 1 cocktail and one glass of wine over the span of 4 days. it was really awesome.
only bad part was the nightmares, but that wasn't the fault of the trip.

sooooo much wildlife was viewed!! animals include, but not limited to: pelicans, a belted kingfisher, mountain chickadees, Clark's nutcracker, mergansers, griebs, great blue heron, a shrike, a kestral, osprey, hawks, big horn sheep and antelope. I had binoculars on my face for half the trip! I found a rabbits foot, Zuzu found the rest of the rabbit, some deer bones.

got a flat tire on the way and almost crashed into the wall! got our tire fixed in Kellogg, the trooper put on our spare. had a drink at the Broken Wheel Tavern while waiting for all the tires to be changed (so glad we didn't take my car!!).

went to the Charlie Russell museum as well as the historical center. the museum was HUGE, filled with the most amazing works of art, artifacts, taxidermy.. it was just fantastic. it even had his herst there. I highly recommend it if you are ever in great falls. we went to the big springs too, which were breathtaking. the worlds largest spring and shortest river haha

I got some spectacular souveigeers. it was so fun to go thrifting with aunt linda! she's so adorable, just like my mom!! I love her so much <3 hehe

and lunch with aunt kris was really wonderful too! I can't remember the last time get and I sat down and connected so much. it was nice to see Hamilton again, and all the old memories there. next time we go we are going to go to grandpas boat launch and have a beer for him. I'm really excited to go again!!

I'm so so happy I got to go. I'm so grateful my parents helps us find the trip! it was magical.

[note: this is not the trip in it's entirety, if you would like a full synopsis, I can tell you on a more in person basis :) ]

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 7 September :: 8.11 pm

I always have had fantasizes of meeting someone who leaves a strong (& true) impression of " this is a good person".

I know they exist.. now we just have to wait.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 6 September :: 7.06 am

I've had nothing but nightmares since I got here.

I'm sad. these dreams all make me feel so wildly inadequate.

can you see me?

:: 2014 1 September :: 9.02 am

why are essays so shitty?

i can't wait until i'm fucking done with school.

can you see me? | Random Journal