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:: 2015 2 July :: 11.10 pm

I can't help but still feel like a child. I know nothing.

the other side is that I know enough to be tired.

I keep waiting for a surprise, the toy at the bottom of the box. but maybe there is no toy.

a desire to be seen, but unable to even see myself.

friends help me to grow into who I am.

at the same time they can crush my spirits and make me question my perceptions of myself.

but maybe I am a pussy. I'm a chicken shit who is afraid to speak my mind lest I make a fool of myself.

because what does any of this matter? I'm too unsure of anything to really take a strong position in things. I don't want to tell people how to live their lives anymore.

i am deliriously tired.

can you see me?

:: 2015 30 June :: 6.08 pm

I get laid and the dark clouds lifted...

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 26 June :: 9.46 am

I dreamt about being at samies cousins house, the meeting up with a man who was my uncle and we killed a bald eagle from the basement. then I was in this large entertainment hall? I'm not really sure what it was, but it was huge and busy. rika ran away and I went to find her and it took me to some slummy flats in some British neighborhood with a bunch of punks, then these drug enforcement officers came to save me, one was Tristan (a guy who shot me down like 3 years ago). he got shot in the head. I was reeeeally upset, I went to see if he was still alive and he was, with blood all over his face, his face was black, I could see the entry and exit wounds. but he didn't die. I stayed with him the whole time and he still didn't love me after. then all the punks turn into zombies and we had to mow them down with automatic weapons.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

can you see me?

:: 2015 25 June :: 10.02 pm

what's so great about being in the "in" crowd if all they are are spiteful bitches?

when did being greatful for what you have become so "out"?

these people need a healthy dose of get the fuck over yourself and check into reality.

they make my skin crawl. I hope there aren't any more work parties that I feel obligated to attend.

why are people so shitty.. why are they so fake and two faced? they all say I'm "soooo sweet" but they won't even acknowledge I exist? fuck that.

I hate this world, and most of the people in it. I don't like where things are heading in several relationships, and the moments of truth are drawing close.

the future is murky, and I feel blind and defenseless moving forward.

I'm terrified and lonely. I wish I had someone. I'm so tired of feeling so alone.

can you see me?

:: 2015 23 June :: 9.55 am

corpulent sub-human filth

can you see me?

:: 2015 22 June :: 9.29 pm

I'm sorry to all the people I've hurt

I'm sorry for all the wrong choices I've made

all the chances I missed

all the beauty I've let go of, the dreams I left to die

I'm trying to make up for it, but for every inch I climb up, I slide another inch back down.

my past haunts me like a nightmare, my future hangs over me like an axe.

what does any of this mean? does any of it even matter?

it's just one sad joke with no punchline.

can you see me?

:: 2015 21 June :: 1.00 pm

I do not own the choices of my friends.

can you see me?

:: 2015 20 June :: 1.04 am

why would God make doing the right thing so hard? why wouldn't a kind and benevolent God making doing the right thing easy? he's more amazing than the devil, so why does the devil win so much?

it's like the war on drugs. fuck.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 19 June :: 2.04 pm

"there are many ways for a black woman to be beautiful. for a while woman, you just have to be skinny."

this sums up my life. fat = ugly to far too many shallow fucks.

can you see me?

:: 2015 18 June :: 3.08 pm

does a complete package exist?

or should I just pick the one who treats me nice and is a truly good person?

decisions decisions

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 16 June :: 7.47 pm

but let me tell you something baby, you love me for everything you hate me for

fuck double standards.
this world is unjust.
and all one can do is stand against it.
a tree in a maelstrom, we will fall before we bend to you.

can you see me?

:: 2015 13 June :: 6.44 pm

sunbeams through the clouds

millions of gods highlighted against a cerulean sky

can you see me?

:: 2015 10 June :: 5.48 pm

I've been so excited all day!! looking forward to band practice!!! 90 degrees in a tiny garage...

and we are auditioning our second drummer!! he didn't flake a second time!!

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. things are gonna get dirty.

can you see me?

:: 2015 9 June :: 7.14 am

I ain't been takin no ones shit.

does that ever happen? someone hacks your computer and sends a mean ass message to someone in your writing style just to get you in trouble?

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 4 June :: 10.04 pm

ugh I hurt so bad :(

I hate this constant pain.

I've went for walks the past three days, and am in excruciating pain. fml.

can you see me? | Random Journal