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nothing they said can save you

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:: 2015 4 October :: 1.20 pm
:: Mood: malaise

mental illness is constantly evolving and adapting to circumvent the measures one takes to conquer it.

instead of feeling eternal pain and misery, I feel hollow, aimless, restless. I feel bored, impatient, confused.

I don't know what I want or what I need. I don't know what to do. I have completed a major chapter in life, looking bewildered into the future, feeling utterly overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.

I keep waiting to get sick. I feel like I've had the "day before the flu" feeling for two or more weeks, but nothing ever gets worse. I'm just waiting for something to fall.

it's dark in here by myself

can you see me?

:: 2015 22 September :: 5.34 pm

was he even real?

can you see me?

:: 2015 21 September :: 8.41 pm

"but you're special"

I am a unique snowflake

in the middle of a blizzard in Antarctica

but what happens after global warming

we will all melt away

can you see me?

:: 2015 15 September :: 11.55 am

how can you keep trusting when all you ever do is get hurt

how can you keep believing when love is so obviously dead

how can you keep breathing knowing that love and trust don't exist

how does the world keep spinning when nothing matters?

grasping for any straw you can see, hoping you'll find the one that doesn't break off

and ultimately realizing that straws will always break, and there's nothing to save you

falling into the dark abyss but knowing the only difference is the blindfold of innocence has been removed

it's too dark to see the others who are falling too so you lean back and wait for the bottom to raise to great you

if the heartbreak of slipping doesn't kill you, the impact at the end will finish the job

can you see me?

:: 2015 14 September :: 11.45 am

completing projects feels really good.

finally finished the baby blanket I've been working non. it looks so good, the biggest project I've done!

tie dyed the sheets I've been sitting on. was waiting for company but just decided "fuck it" and did it. they turned out really fantastic.

can you see me?

:: 2015 10 September :: 6.14 am

this week has been really rough.

treasured friend has malignant brain tumor
Dali died
horrible slander about me thru the grapevine
a dead bird at work

it was nice sleeping all last weekend, forgetting about how fucked up things are, how shitty and petty people are, how shitty I've been.

I am swallowed up by the current. my head is a meter under water.

if I could just be held, and told it was alright, maybe I could breathe for just one moment.

can you see me?

:: 2015 9 September :: 9.13 pm

happiness is fakin' it til you make it.

maybe you'll never make it, but at least people will remember you as happy when you're rotting in the cold wet earth.

can you see me?

:: 2015 8 September :: 12.09 pm

you can't kill what's already dead, so leave my soul alone.

can you see me?

:: 2015 7 September :: 1.35 pm

most days I wake up and I wonder... what the fuck am I still doing here?

and I still don't know.

can you see me?

:: 2015 4 September :: 6.44 am

I just don't want to feel invisible anymore.

can you see me?

:: 2015 3 September :: 7.41 am

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

can you see me?

:: 2015 1 September :: 8.35 pm

I am not sure who I want to be right now.

can you see me?

:: 2015 29 August :: 3.27 pm

I cleaned the shit out of that apartment. I better get my deposit back. that place was a dump when I moved in!

but damn I sure am going to miss it. it was my little slice of heaven. I'm eager for my home. I'm going to make a list of things I really want it to have.. like a good view.

I am so exhausted but pretty content. seeing the doctor Thursday to see about my insomnia. I'm dying. and I have been having it since I started cymbalta.. say 5 years ago? I just need to sleep.

it rained today. it filled me with delight. everything is so thirsty.

can you see me?

:: 2015 26 August :: 11.47 am
:: Mood: ecstatic

the man from the shopping spree finally responded to my missed connection!!! and the adventure begins!

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2015 20 August :: 7.58 am

I hope my baby dog will be ok :(

can you see me? | Random Journal