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:: 2014 19 September :: 9.47 pm

I'm at a house party.

fuck this.

I feel like everyone is 12

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 17 September :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: optimistic

goals for the week:
1.) go to gym at least for one day
2.) get coloring materials
3.) finish Aimee's gift
4.) get shelves from parental units
5.) start on wind spirit picture
6.) start Alexz's jelly fish or toothless

seems like a lot!! but I know I can do it! feeling pretty good after that session with the dr. probably one of the most productive yet!

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 17 September :: 10.08 am

listened to the song "hey man nice shot" by filter.

looked up the meaning.

read about budd dwyer.

watched him give his final speech.

watching him shoot himself in the mouth.

death is such a hard thing to wrap my head around.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 13 September :: 11.49 pm

I feel like such a copy cat. a fraud. is this really me? but I love who I am. and I hate how a lot of people make me feel. I know I should care what these strangers think, but knowing it and actually believing it are two different things.

do people only wear addidas because they want to be original? or is that some other shoe brand? that's my point - who fucking knows/cares?

aside from this, the fair was absolutely amazing <3 it was such a beautiful night, with lovely Alexz, and much vegging after. it was truly the best incarnation of the fair experience. we even went in the black hole. that was so trippy!!

I'll post some pictures soon

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:: 2014 13 September :: 3.10 am

people throw that word around as if it means nothing.

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:: 2014 8 September :: 10.57 am

trip to Montana: EPIC
best trip by far in recent memory. we did so much awesome it is hard to remember all of it!!
(this pasta I made is by far the best box pasta batch yet. that it I'm just really high and hungry haha)
also: sober the while trip. had a total of 3 beers, 1 cocktail and one glass of wine over the span of 4 days. it was really awesome.
only bad part was the nightmares, but that wasn't the fault of the trip.

sooooo much wildlife was viewed!! animals include, but not limited to: pelicans, a belted kingfisher, mountain chickadees, Clark's nutcracker, mergansers, griebs, great blue heron, a shrike, a kestral, osprey, hawks, big horn sheep and antelope. I had binoculars on my face for half the trip! I found a rabbits foot, Zuzu found the rest of the rabbit, some deer bones.

got a flat tire on the way and almost crashed into the wall! got our tire fixed in Kellogg, the trooper put on our spare. had a drink at the Broken Wheel Tavern while waiting for all the tires to be changed (so glad we didn't take my car!!).

went to the Charlie Russell museum as well as the historical center. the museum was HUGE, filled with the most amazing works of art, artifacts, taxidermy.. it was just fantastic. it even had his herst there. I highly recommend it if you are ever in great falls. we went to the big springs too, which were breathtaking. the worlds largest spring and shortest river haha

I got some spectacular souveigeers. it was so fun to go thrifting with aunt linda! she's so adorable, just like my mom!! I love her so much <3 hehe

and lunch with aunt kris was really wonderful too! I can't remember the last time get and I sat down and connected so much. it was nice to see Hamilton again, and all the old memories there. next time we go we are going to go to grandpas boat launch and have a beer for him. I'm really excited to go again!!

I'm so so happy I got to go. I'm so grateful my parents helps us find the trip! it was magical.

[note: this is not the trip in it's entirety, if you would like a full synopsis, I can tell you on a more in person basis :) ]

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 7 September :: 8.11 pm

I always have had fantasizes of meeting someone who leaves a strong (& true) impression of " this is a good person".

I know they exist.. now we just have to wait.

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 6 September :: 7.06 am

I've had nothing but nightmares since I got here.

I'm sad. these dreams all make me feel so wildly inadequate.

can you see me?

:: 2014 1 September :: 9.02 am

why are essays so shitty?

i can't wait until i'm fucking done with school.

can you see me?

:: 2014 30 August :: 12.07 pm

all I wanna do today is hang out and have sex, damn it.

why is the well so dry :'(

can you see me?

:: 2014 27 August :: 8.07 pm

first session of EMDR completed.

2 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 27 August :: 12.54 pm

"hell is other people."

can you see me?

:: 2014 26 August :: 7.45 am
:: Mood: accomplished

About to start my first level 400 class in college. They all seem to be the same class (my schedule is present for the next four classes):
MGT 415 Group Behavior in Organizations
MGT 435 Organizational Change
COM 425 Communication in Organizations
SOC 402 Contemporary Social Problems & the Workplace

Right now I'm learning about human resources management. it's essentially been a class on writing about what job i want to get to, which is exactly what they already have me doing at work, so it's like doing career development at work, but i'm paying a school to make me do it.

i'll be done by june of next year. i've been in and out of college for the past 8 years, it feels so good to know that soon i will have this stupid, but highly necessary, piece of paper that will tell people that i am able to stick with something to the end, no matter how tedious, boring and redundant it is. i took the day off work to write the final, not really sure what the final is (since I haven't bothered to look), but it's either a test or an 8-10 page essay. nothing ridiculous, but the same thing as every other class i've taken so far.

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about where i want to eventually end up. do i really want to stay with my current employer? do i maybe want to pursue some other line of work besides insurance? no one ever dreams of ending up in the world of casualty and liability insurance, but it's a necessary field, which is only growing by the day. it's nice to know that my job will stick around for years to come, and the company that i'm working for now is extremely socially responsible and ethical. i don't worry about some horrible crisis coming up, some CEO who couldn't help but skim off the top. i used to really enjoy the culture of my workplace... we've started switching to a new way of doing things, since the merger its slowly been happening, and it's really been in your face the past two years, and maybe it's just the current department i'm in, but i feel like everyone i work with is a harpie sometimes.

i'm thinking i'll just keep switching around within the company to new roles until i've tried enough to know if i want to stay or not. i want to be a business analyst, or a scheduler, an underwriter, or someone in HR. i have had enough of working with customers, of being a front-line worker bee. i'm tired of dealing with people who know nothing about what i'm doing, but still expect the moon. people who can't empathize back at me when i empathize with them. i've gotten really cold and harsh in the past year.

my focus at school is the management aspect of an organization. i had the opportunity to apply for a management position that would be a lateral move, in a department that is simply for the support of adjusters and agents, but i was too scared to apply. i can hardly manage myself properly, who am i to think i could manage other people.

hopefully this therapy will help me build up my confidence to actually become something. i've already become so much more productive at work. i haven't taken a nap at my desk for at least a month now, which is something i am extremely proud of (i used to nap 2-3 mins every 30-45 mins), i still call in sick at least once every few weeks, but that is so much better than every week. i feel motivated to get things done, and while i still hate my job, i know at least i'm doing it right, and giving it at least a majority of my effort.

I just never, ever, want to be like Samie at work. it's as though her whole self-worth pivots on work, and spreading herself too thin, and being stressed out to the point of meltdowns. i just can't bring myself to care that much about something that isn't me. that sounds really, really selfish, but i want my whole self-worth to rest squarely on me. not numbers at work, at school, or what other people think of me. i want to be the only one that can control how i feel about myself.

and i am well on my way towards that.

so here's to the future, with good friends, strong family, and happy times!

can you see me?

:: 2014 24 August :: 12.49 pm

ururururuuuu I just wanna puke :(

someone bring me medicine :'(

1 can... | can you see me?

:: 2014 21 August :: 12.23 pm

I'm tired of the whole "if you aren't doing what you love you're wasting time" and all that shit.

if everyone did what they loved, no one would work the shitty jobs essential to our society.

and honestly, how many people succeed at "doing what they love"? not many.

every article I've read about "following my passion" is written by someone who was really successful at a normal job and was able to switch to what they love because they had job experience and money.

stop making me feel like I'm wasting my life at this desk job. because I know I'll never make a living as a professional weed smoker.


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