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fluttering beats in the dark

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:: 2018 9 September :: 9.28 am

I just want to give up. I hate every beautiful day.

are you reaching out

:: 2018 5 September :: 7.51 pm
:: Mood: adoring

when baby dog is really happy, she runs around completely nuts around the living room and then bolts away into the kitchen to get a drink and then bolts into the den

my mom squeels with glee every time she does it, and it's always the same adorable sound with a wonderful giggle after and it's just one of my absolute favorite things. it makes my heart sing.

are you reaching out

:: 2018 5 September :: 6.19 am

I suck at comforting people

one day down of sober September and I have had no break from an uncomfortable unsettled feeling deep in my stomach, like I ate copious amounts of cheese.

I can do this.

are you reaching out

:: 2018 4 September :: 9.34 pm

I'm really fucking sick and tired of being treated like I don't know shit.

I know a lot. I'm smart. I've had jobs in different areas and understand how almost all insurance works (besides life insurance, but that seems like the most straight forward insurance).

but go ahead,just treat me like I don't know anything. it's okay.

are you reaching out

:: 2018 29 August :: 2.12 pm

you either are important or you aren't

you either matter to someone or you don't

I'm always in the "not" category

and it hurts, but trying harder just looks desperate, and I don't know how to do less than what I do. I'm just a non entity. I'm fading into nothing. I don't speak I don't care I just feel sad and lonely.

and I know it'll only get worse. I know I'll be the worst mom. I know I'll die in child birth. I know I'll have a miscarriage. I know I'm sterile.

why do I even exist

I am a meaningless creature on a meaningless planet in an infinite expanse of nothing.

how do I fix this?

are you reaching out | Random Journal