All Alone
God, that made me feel like shit. I couldn't catch my breath for a couple of minutes, I felt like I would never be able to breathe again. Nothing should make me feel like that. That's the kind of thing that really makes me want to leave, as fast as possible, but then there are other things that keep me going.

Maybe one of us should just press 'delete'.

I think there's something wrong with me. No one wants to be around me it seems.

I've been frozen out.
Another good day has been crushed.

And I was right. The problems I thought I would have, are still here. No one lets anything go these days.
Not that I hate school, I like it. Some people just don't know how to behave.

I had a dream about you, I wish school was back in session tomorrow. But it's not, I'll have to wait til' monday.

Pathetic.

My Addiction
It does bother me, I admit it. Not as much as it has, I think I have another mentality now. But it does get under my skin.
But that's ok, I can live with it. The rest of my day is good.
I love this little charade we're all addicted to. I love the looks we all give each other. The innocence, and the realization that it's playful and fun. I love how I get to dress up in the morning. It's just like being a kid again, and I love it.
And it's weird even though all the hot seniors left, it seems that boys are just appearing out of nowhere. Maybe because we're all growing older, and better looking (hopefully).
Guys you never noticed, guys that never noticed you. It's all changing.
And you know how I feel about change.
Boys, boys, boys.

I LOVE IT!

Thank God for the Jews, you can kiss thursday and friday good-bye,

-DanishToTheCore

AG & AS
It doesn't matter how hard you try to block something out, you can always hear it buzzing in the background. I don't believe in that theory, just to make yourself happy and not to worry about anything else, TINA, haha. Don't worry, babe, it's not a personal attack!
I just think that sometimes people step all over you, cross a certain boundary, treat another person like garbage, and so on. That's wrong. We should all take care of each other, because we live in this world together. When I'm in need, you help me. And when you're in need I help you.
That isn't, that you can't stand alone. Everyone should be independent to some point, everyone should be able to walk through the halls without someone on either side. But most people are. Most people know how to be independent.
We all think we know how to be happy, but there are just some days where you can't block out the bad stuff, and only focus on the good. Sometimes the bad stuff overwhelms the good stuff so intensly, and washes the good stuff out.

I'm trying just to shrug it off, not to listen to it I guess, but it's hard. I don't know if it's the right method or anything, we'll see how it works. It's all about seeing what's right for you as a person.

As long as my school day does not turn sour as a whole, I'll be fine. I miss my schedule from last year all of a sudden, there were no "bad" periods. This year there are.

I love this little thing we have going. I can't figure it out yet, I can never figure it out really, but I like it. It's innocent, harmless fun and it's very comfortable. It makes me feel good, is all. And nothing's wrong with that.

Good day to you.

-Mette

Football
Forget what I said before, at least for now, because it all doesn't matter. I was choosing to feel uncomfortable, I don't even have to feel that way.
I love football games, love them so much. It's such a different atmosphere, at night, with everyone there. I love how outside of school hours you can do whatever you want. Talk to people you don't usually talk to, and so on. I really got to see some new faces, and go back to the past with some old faces. It was great. I am very excited about homecoming! I thought this was homecoming, but I have just been informed- that it is not.

OH WELL.

Love everything right now, GO PANTHERS!

Maybe It Is Me
Just as I determined that it wasn't me, just as I convinced myself that there is nothing wrong with me, I must re-consider that thought.
I don't know if that's exactly how I feel, if that's why I feel like shit, but I know- even as no one reads this- that if I write something about specific people in this thing, I'll have a knife in my back and a chorus singing different tales infront of me before you know it.
I'll just say this; I got my expectations up way too high. I thought it would be different this year.
But let's face it, it all remains the same.
I still feel vulnerable to the same problems, still get crushed by the same people. I was looking forward to changing it, but I feel so lost. So helpless and and uncomfortable.

Sometimes I am the energizer buddy. But then once the energy gets drained out of me, I am totaly lifeless. Like a puppet without the strings.

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant I guess.

That was just to make myself feel better. Where's the release when I need it?

Don't know,

-M&M

We're At It Again
Nothing has changed, everything remains the same. I don't like it. I guess for some it's a comfort zone, but for me it's just seeing the same faces, the same stares, the same goddamn situation.
I don't believe in change, I don't believe that anyone is able to change themselves around completely.
And I can't relate, I just don't get it. I receive mixed messages like explosions.
All my old conflicts, my old insecurities, my old feelings have returned and they have scared the hell out of me. Because they're not haunting me anymore now, you see...

They're killing me.

Softly. Because it's real now.

The End (if I can...)
Why is it that I can never just wrap anything up? Just finito, finished, done. I can't do it.
I couldn't end school, I can't end summer. I haven't even ended California yet, which litereally is PATHETIC. Because California, my trip to California, ended about three weeks ago.
Just let it go. Just fucking let go.
Does school really start tomorrow? Because it jumped on me so suddenly. I'm not ready. I couldn't feel less ready.

It's time for school, pack your bag, and grab your lunch.
Say hello to mr., say hello to mrs.
Because it's real now, it's true now.
The problems have returned.
Do you want to stab my back, just to make sure I can really feel it?

I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes...

Poised,

-Mette

My Skin
I didn't mean to delete the last entry, it was a mistake. A simple little mistake.
I want so bad to be comfortable in my own skin. I want so bad to understand and accept my self. I want to walk through the halls and feel secure with myself, at least to a certain degree. And my mind keeps whispering things in my ear, but one thing dominates the noise, "Just be yourself". That's my problem...

But we all want so much.

My unhealthy relationship takes over every time. Because I think that distance fixes things. I allow myself to believe, that everything can be fixed for a simple memory loss. Or at least blocking out that memory.
I once again, am fooling myself, into thinking that once I move, I can start fresh. My conscience, my mind, my body hates it when people know everything, because that way people can hold judgement against you. And I hate the first day of school at an OLD school, because my old memories, my old terrors, the things I left behind somewhere, return and dump the coldest bucket of water on my head. Maybe that's why I feel myself around strangers. And like a stranger around myself...
I think even though as my experiences outlast other people's experiences at some point, my self understanding and my feeling towards a habitat, a niche, a home is low. And I'm not sure I'll ever really have a home to call my own.

I guess I have more self-related problems than I thought.

I wasn't even going to write about this, but it forced itself out.
And it's not even self pity, that's the funny thing, I just long for confidence.

Thank You.

Lemon lime, waste of time
Say goodbye to the midnight smile.
He was nothing but a slice of pie.
His eyes were naughty for the naughty films

You wasted breath, for the man of stranger.
Now he’s nothing but a glimpse of heaven
Thus don’t know why you’re wasting time.

So wave farewell to Mr. Man.
Cause baby,… He ain’t coming back.

Going to Cali sunday, should be a good time.

3 days, lads and gents, that is how long this crush lasted. Please, hold your applause until the end.








Alright, you can clap now.







I meant it. Clap.

Crush(ed)
A crush. Isn't that just the most wonderous thing? There is nothing better in the world, not that i know of anyway, than a nice, innocent crush.
This is the first harmless crush I've had in a while, which I suppose is a positive thing.
I want him.
I want him.
I want him.

His name is Matt... Ironic isn't it? I hate that name.

I fear
A dream is like a drug, and this ain't no drug. This is so present, and I'm so grounded.
I see myself completely alone, walking down the halls. Maybe I did care all these years, without knowing it. Maybe I did care what others thought of me, and maybe I did- and still do- need the friends that really aren't there. I'm just not as independent as I thought, is all.
I had a mental breakdown too, the other day. Saturday, I think it was. I'm not a whiner, but if one person looks me in the eye when I'm breaking, I'm sold- the tears flush down my face, at the fastest pace.
I want to go back so bad. My whole body is aching, burning, pushing toward home. This isn't my home. It's hard living in a place, that wasn't meant for you. It's like forcing my body into a size 24, it just doesn't fit.

There's a fine line between alone and independent...

My Wasting
I just crave to write. My only friend. Everytime I'm about to write, I check when I last wrote. I have no life, why pretend as if I am too busy to write in this thing. Cause I'm not.

No one has a fairy tale life. But I'm such a waste of perfectly fine soul, body, and spirit. I'm taking up all the good air everyone else should be enjoying. I wait for the minutes to pass infront of me, so aware of time, it's almost sickening.

I await better times, and I await times to look forward to. My life is like Las Vegas, you never know whether you'll win or lose.

I wish I was a bubble, I wish I could just pop. I'm so sick of living.