kentnj2

i just updated a few hours ago...right now honestly i dont know how to describe what im feeling. i feel crushed, disappointed, and disgusted with myself. i just dont understand how my foundation collapsed under the tiniest amount of pressure...i was almost in tears and every thought in my head was running at full speed into everything else...let me catch my breath and explain. my house has mice, not 'rats', little itty bitty, not gonna hurt anybody, cute mice, but they havent been any problem to me as of yet. my mom recently put those glue traps all over the house to catch them and tonight i think i went through the worst experience ive ever been through in my entire life...a little tiny mouse got caught in one of the traps and my mom asks me to take care of it...WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!? she just hands me gloves and tells me to take it outside and let it go. so i put on the gloves and i head outside. its freezing cold and i just have a t-shirt on, but of course this is the last thing on my mind. i end up spending a good half an hour to an hour outside hurrying around trying to figure out what to do in the dim lights of the street. i just want to take the mouse off the sticky stuff and send him on his way...but it turns into a huge nightmare...cause this mouse is really stuck in this stuff, because he was scared and was struggling. he probably just wanted to be warm and all of a sudden hes stuck to the floor awaiting to be brought outside to the cold weather. it wasnt doing anything wrong and it wasnt hurting anyone...anyway im outside freaking out trying to now save the life of this poor defenseless mouse, and i just cant seem to get it out of this glue shit...so im outside in the cold under the dim stree light about ready to have a panic attack with my hands stuck in this glue stuff struggling to keep this mouse alive and ok...i just didnt know what to do...i was freaking out and i was losing time so damn fast. I was alone in the dark with this mouse that was still alive and moving and scared and possibly in extreme pain. i start freaking out, cursing to myself telling myself that i dont know what to do!...finally with all my physical and emotional strength i make one last effort to at least pull what i can of the mouse off the glue...and im struggling and struggling just staring at the mouse about ready to either black out or start crying like crazy...finally... i get him free...its now in my gloved hand wiggling around slightly seemingly still alive...and then i get a good look at it and i realize that the skin covering its stomach has been torn off...my threshold for emotional and physicla pain is gone. i start crying cause i still dont know what to do and i dont want this poor mouse to die...it was just being a mouse...why did this have to happen at all? i thought those stupid glue traps were to keep it alive. WHY THE FUCK WAS I PUT IN THIS SITUATION!!?? was the main thought screaming through my head...i hear the faint sound of my moms voice coming from the front door far behind me calling for me...i tell her that im coming and i look at the mouse wich is still alive and in my hand...i couldnt just leave it outside on the ground still full of glue and in pain that i couldnt understand. so i slowly submerge him into a nearby puddle of water and wait a few minutes...i come back inside and my night was over...still i cant think straight. i hate myself. i feel so sick. fuck my life. why did that mouse have to die? i dont give a shit who you are, i dont care if youve done this before and i dont care if you think this is nothing and i overreacted...that mouse was alive and it wasnt disgusting or ugly. it was a little 'hurt nobody and nothing' mouse trying to get out of the cold. it may not have been able to understand what was going on and it may not have had any life important enough to live for, but thats all trivial because i can compare the life of that mouse with so many human beings...Im not a murderer...i didnt want to have to decide what to do about that mouse... i didnt want it to die...

So much needs to be talked about. My life changed completely just for this one night, and hopefully not much longer, but i dont want to talk about it now. i dont believe in god and i prayed for that mouse on my way back to the house and i crossed myself. it isnt fair. ill finish this soon. when i can. im sorry for everything.

love you