It's weird. Being someone's girlfriend, finally. After 3 years. Didn't think I would actually find someone I care so much about and someone who cares about me. I love my bear so much. He's been good to me. I don't think I can be any happier.
As usual my mom has to be herself.
She made dinner for us at my sisters, because my sister has a dishwasher. Well, needless to say she left the mess for us to clean up. She took all the meat for fajitas, and left all the rest of the stuff. She wouldn't even join all of us in the living room. She sat in a chair behind the couch so that she could escape outside to go smoke as frequently as she wanted. Seriously, every time we turned around she was outside.
After she left my sister asked my brother and I if we ever remember our dad hitting mom.. Uhm, no. Apparently she was at her "boyfriends" house and was telling my brother in law that our dad used to beat her and of course we will all deny it.. Uh hello, he NEVER hit her. She is pathetic. She seriously has to come up with the stupidest shit for an excuse for why they got divorced.
So I believe next year we are just going to get together for Christmas and not invite her.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.
About how much I miss my Grandparents and wish they were here to see Reagan and my nephews grow up. It breaks my heart that they aren't physically here and have missed a lot that has happened in my life. I know they are proud of me, and are watching over me, but its not the same as sharing the moments with them, and hearing them tell me.
I have been thinking a lot about Mike's family. Mainly his brother. His brother has spent the last 3 years in prison. He missed their moms funeral, so he never got to say goodbye. He doesn't know that he has a niece that is a year old. He hasn't seen his son in years. I know that I shouldn't feel bad for him because he put himself in prison, but I do feel bad. He called Mike today to let him know how he was doing, and that he was out of prison. Before he got off the phone he told Mike to tell Darielle he said hi, and then told him he loved him. Mike said I love you back, and I was shocked. I commented about it, and he told me that he did love his brother and that he got the raw end of the deal growing up. That if he hadnt been raised by their mom then he would have turned out better. I said what about your sister? And he told me that he doesn't love his sister. She had a fair chance at life and she chose to screw it up. I guess it is what it is. His family is jacked up, and they barely know my daughter. But I do not want her to know the half of what they are about, so I guess I am going to protect her for as long as I can.
I have been thinking about my life, my relationship. I don't have a perfect relationship by any means. But I don't have a crumbling relationship either. We fight, say things we shouldn't, but we never stay mad. And I am grateful for that. I hate that I live in a trailer, and it depresses me. We struggle for money, and that really gets to both of us. But it makes more sense for me to stay home than it does for me to go back to work.
A lot of my friends have been struggling with deaths, health issues, break ups, and so on. I wish I could take all their pain away and make them feel better. Some of them I wish I could smack in the face and tell them that they need to pull their head out of their ass..
I don't hang out with a lot of people anymore. Social contact is hard for me. People piss me off and I don't want to deal with it.
Isn't it rather amazing how one bad day ruins the several good days leading up to it? I find it fascinating that one person, who treated me well for the better part of two weeks, can completely ruin the memories of the good days in one foul swoop.
Does this ever happen to you? Or am I that negative where I only focus on the bad?
I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit...
Ya know, a lot has changed for me over the course of the last year and half or so. Not that that isn't the case at any given point in our lives, but even more so in the past year and a half for me. I finally became a person I like looking in the mirror at. And that's saying something, considering the majority of the time when I look in the mirror I see baggy eyes, unplucked eyebrows, and pasty skin. When I look down at my naked body all I see is my toes protruding from behind a too-big tummy ravaged by scars... Scars from carrying the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen, scars from a surgery necessary so an i.u.d. didn't kill me, pudge from making my son a good home while he grew inside of me. When I look at these "less than beautiful" attributes about myself I am not ashamed. I'll poke some fun and myself for not working off the baby weight and move on with my day. Because my days are now filled with a totally different kind of fun. This is the closest to being a carefree kid I've been since I was a carefree kid. By no means am I careless or carefree, but I feel a sense of innocence surround me that I haven't known before in my life. Haevin does that for me. He makes every difficult time worth it's weight in gold, and then some! Am I a perfect mother and wife? Hell no. But I try, and I am pretty happy with who I am. Even better is that I don't really care who I am to anyone who doesn't matter. If they don't like me, tough shit. The people who are closest know what I stand for, and so do the strangers. If they don't like it... they can take a hike!
Onto my main point. I love the little things in life. I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit. It means that my son is healthy. Yeah, it stinks. But it's a life-affirming sort of stench, lol. I get sick of reading about people who are so focused on "getting there." Life is a journey. It's appreciating everything, the good and the bad. It's not a race to the finish line. If you ever make it to that finish line you better plan on croaking the following day, because that's about it son. When you've stopped learning and caring, and appreciating, your time has come.
This morning I was paid a very nice compliment by my sister on my Facebook page. She said she loved me and was proud of the person I'd become. That really made my day. That someone else can see and appreciate my growth even though it has little, if not nothing to do with them is very refreshing! I have some amazing family to be grateful for. Life is good. And if you haven't realized it yet, start looking for your bliss. Because there will always be negative things in your life to focus on. If you allow them to consume you, you will spend your life miserable. This, I promise you.
So, as corny as it may be... Be the change you want to see in the world.
I need to vent, while my child is screaming it out by herself.
At my house, its not considered "cry it out".. It's screaming it out, or being murdered. She has a set of lungs, and doesn't let up. Like at all. Ever. She doesn't know how to self soothe. She screams bloody murder, and would go on for HOURS and probably days if I let her. She is stubborn. I'm scared she's going to choke on all the saliva/snot she makes from all the screaming, or when she gets to the point where she throws up. Luckily, she always seems to throw up on the floor and not in her bed or all over herself.
From January to November, once she was asleep at night, she wouldn't wake up til about 8ish.. Once in awhile it would be a little early, and then it started getting later.. And I had her going to sleep in her own bed, on her own. Since the time change/her first birthday, she was waking up between 6 and 7.. Once I got her to sleep til 8 or later, she has been waking up a million times during the night. When she is in her crib, awake, she screams bloody murder like she is being attacked. She could be dead asleep, and the second she touches the mattress in her bed, she is screaming so bad, her body stiffens right out.
I can't seem to win. And now Mike is on 3rd shift, so I have to get her to sleep before he goes to work, otherwise it'll be 10 times harder to get her to go to sleep..
So far, she has been screaming for 12 minutes, and Tyson keeps whining and barking like he needs to go protect her.
I feel like a bad mom for complaining about my child, but I miss sleep. Good sleep, where I don't wake up a million times, or in pain from having to make room for everyone else and sleeping all funky.
22 minutes later, she is still screaming, but not nearly like she was.. And a half an hour ago, she was passed out in my bed and had been sleeping since 9..
