Love?
So I started dating this guy. I had a tiny crush on him before I really got to know him, talked to him a couple of times. Then I found out he was coming into OA and I got excited. Then when I got to OA on the first week we were both in here, I found he was sitting right next to my seat, and that made me happy. So we started off talking and joking with each other. Then he moved his seat, I'm not sure why, but then I had to sit next to him to do my PowerPoint stuff. So we were joking, flirting, and then he was hitting on me. He would never finish the comments he started to make, but he kept making very suggestive remarks about having sex with me. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. So on Thursday, Sara " made an appointment " for us to have sex so I could take his virginity. Then she was saying that D should be my " beard " because I have all these other guys that I don't like interested in me. So she announced to the class that D and I were dating and we just went with it. On Friday, we had an all inclusive session, right around three, when we were " scheduled " for. It was awesome. His pre-emptive confidence in his ability to fuck was not misplaced. Sara thinks he does actually like me and this is interesting because so far with these guys, and especially my last couple of relationships, it's been them fawning all over me and me being like, " Yeah, I know I'm awesome, but back off a bit. " But it's almost the opposite with D. He doesn't show much affection because he wants to keep things on the down low, and I kind of get that, even though it's impossible to do that on a small campus with a dynamic like this one, but he doesn't really talk to me much, either. And I think he likes Sara more. :( I don't know. This is his first relationship, but he's not stupid. He's not clueless about it. Sometimes I think this may have been better as just a friends with benefits relationship. He has told me he loves me a couple times. It was a bit soon for that, even though I love him, too, but I think that term gets passed around much too casually these days. It's one thing to be friends with someone and tell them you love them. That's a friend love, and it's known that's what it is. But in the context of a relationship, the word love implies that someone is " IN love " with their partner. Not everyone knows what that feels like, some people just think they are obligated to say it, some people feel it early. But people shouldn't say it unless they mean it, unless they know the full extent of what they are implying. " I love you " means a LOT. And to some people, it means more to the person hearing it than the person who is saying it. If you say it but don't mean it or don't show it, you just might break the fuck out of someone's heart and that's not fair. If you don't know what you're talking about, wait a while, until you actually feel it, and then say it. Until then, it's probably better to keep the word " love " out of your vocabulary. And for some reason, it just doesn't seem to mean as much coming from a guy when you've got his dick in your mouth. Just saying.

Unrequited Attraction
A therapist of mine once told me that unrequited love led to obsession. I never figured that out when I first took an interest in boys. I knew about obsession, but I never realized the connection. When you want something you can't have, you only want it more. This isn't real love. It isn't love at all. It's something superficial. Attraction is the best word for it. I foresaw this coming. All weekend I was thinking about it but I figured I'd be okay once I caught up on some sleep. I was better after sleeping, but then I came back to JC and the floodgate reopened. I haven't gone completely crazy with it, I do have some level of control, at least for now. Earlier, though, I made a minor faux paus. It went unnoticed for the most part, but I had vowed not to let myself do things like that, so I noticed. I worried I was going to have a mental breakdown because I've been stressed out lately and I've been having some mood swings. So after I said what I said, I grew paranoid I would develop an unhealthy obsession and ruin my friendship, although, to be completely honest, it's not much of a friendship, anyway, and I don't think I'd be missing much. I'd like to be on good terms with everyone, though, and not have to deal with these fucking high school-aged issues and develop a reputation for being a clingy, psycho bitch. Things are fine between me and this boy, but they are not fine with me. I want to end this, but I don't have much faith that I'll be able to do that while I am here seeing him every day. It's always the cute ones. Physical appearance isn't even important, but I can't seem to stop myself from fixating on it and striving to obtain some kind of satisfaction. It's sick. It's unhealthy. I thought I had this shit out of my system. I'd been fine for so long, nothing had happened, and all of a sudden, last Thursday, the thought implanted itself in my head and here I am. I drive myself crazy with this shit, I fucking hate it. I don't enjoy it anymore than my " victims " do. This is probably related to my inability to let anything go, stuff that might have happened ten years ago that I still haven't gotten over. Is it possible to change these behaviors and thought patterns? It all seems like another addiction, where I can try to surpress the cravings, the overwhelming waves that crash over me, but they will always swallow me. The best and only thing I can do in this situation is to stay away. All I have to do is ignore the urge to talk to him whenever I see him, to hug him, all that shit. There's nothing I can do about thinking about him. That's going to happen, anyway. Ignorance is bliss? It seems like every night I make a promise to myself not to do certain things or feel certain ways, but it's all over as soon as I see whomever. I must get back to be self-contained, how I was when I first got here, and determined not to establish feelings for anyone because whether they are reciprocated or not, it wouldn't last, not when it starts here. I need to be done. I need to let go. Not even for his sake, necessarily, but for my own, because otherwise I WILL have some kind of breakdown. Whenever I've had even a small problem that is easily remedied, if I am in a certain mindset ( I am coining it the High School Mindset ), it sets off a disasterous emotional chain, and the first thought that always comes to mind is the person I am most interested and how they have rejected me. Then it goes on to all of the other times I've been rejected and I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit, that something is wrong with me. It's not a matter of something being wrong with me, not a matter of them just being stupid. I won't tell myself that it's because they just can't see what a good person I am just to attempt to make myself feel better, because they do, that's why they're friends with me. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there and that's the only explanation for it. Should I issue a warning to him? Probably not. Still, I would feel bad if this explodes and I lose focus. No one deserves or wants that crap. And as nice as it is to know people are attracted to you, no one likes that obsessive, psychotic crap. Sometimes, I swear I'm losing it. Until the next installment...Maybe leave me a comment about not being a crazy, creepy, obsessive bitch (but nicely, please, I'm sort of fragile right now). It's also worth noting that if he DID return my affection, the same thing would have happened and it wouldn't have ended any better. I am scared for the both of us...

Good days
I came back to Job Corps last night and I'm very happy to be back. I had a lot of fun hanging out with Sara and Crystal. We were all hanging out discussing various sexual things. I had been hoping to see my boys when I got back, but it was actually really nice to have a kind of girls night. Sara is coming to spend the weekend with me on the 15th and I am very much looking forward to it. Last night I was so hyped up thinking about one of the guys I like that I ended up writing an erotic story about him and I wasn't sure I'd be able to fall asleep. I really need to get it in, and I need it to be with someone good looking, who I'm actually attracted to, instead of the old days in which I'd just settle for whomever was around. Some of it was fun, but if I knew then what I know now, I would never have slept with or gotten involved with the majority of the people I've been intimate with because that's something you can't undo and it just wasn't worth it. Most of them didn't deserve that privilege. I knew today was going to be a good day and so far it has. Even Domenick is in a good mood, which is rare and very nice to see. I hope he is able to maintain it. It is so much nicer to see him happy, smiling, and having fun than slumped in a depressive mind set, not talking, and thinking only negative thoughts. He truly is a wonderful person and I love being friends with him. He enjoyed his Emo Valentine's Day card, so that made me happy. I don't know whether or not Mr. Awesome liked his, it was a bit more unique, meaning that I mentioned I was here for him if he ever needed to relieve his sexual tension. Things aren't awkward, at least, so it's fine. Sara says she'll get me together with him, so we'll see what happens.

Life was so much nicer before I got attached to people. I hate having unreciprocated feelings. I might go back to Job Corps early. I miss my friends there and it's not like I'm doing anything productive at home, anyway.

Love?
It's been a long time since I've found someone I legitimately have feelings for, feelings that aren't based off of being lonely in a strange place. I always go on these tirades of a sort about how the current object of my affections should wise up and realize that if they want someone to love them unconditionally, then they are foolish for not realizing what a catch I am. I do think that, but I also know that you can't make something that isn't there just appear. As much as I say I wouldn't mind being single for the rest of my life, I would, in a way. That's more a coping mechanism for thinking that there is no one worthwhile trying for. If you have to try, is that genuine, anyway? Shouldn't it come naturally? Relationships take work, yes, but the initiation of them should be pretty smooth. I'm just really sick of having to give up on people in this area of life. I'm not perfect, obviously, but I have a hell of a lot to offer. Maybe it's my butch-even-though-I'm-not-gay attitude that leaves me friend-zoned at every turn, but if I'm not tough and strong, who will be? Maybe it's my weight. I'm sure that's part of it. Maybe it's the fact that despite how much I love whomever, they still suck. I love everyone. Even people I say I hate I love and care about deep down inside. We are all just children who need guidance, aren't we? I don't get as gung-ho as I used to. Now I can think realistically enough to know that there will always be someone else I'll fall for, whether it's reciprocated or not. All the same, I've never stopped loving anyone I've ever been with, no matter how serious any relationship was. If I had the funds, I would just grab someone and say, " Hey, come and live with me. We can go anywhere we want and do anything we want to do. Don't worry about it, just appreciate it and be happy. " If that's not awesome, I don't know what is. My full awesomeness doesn't shine at Job Corps. Why should it when people will just take advantage of it without so much as a thank you? My true friends know it, though, and I guess that's what's important. My best girl friend at Job Corps was telling me that she can tell I love everybody and really care about people. She says I'm very genuine and most people at Job Corps aren't like that. Probably most people in the world aren't like that. My creative writing instructor saw it, too. As much as people get under my skin, I truly do love and care about every person I meet. That sucks sometimes, but I prefer it to hating everyone ( even though sometimes it's easier to think that I do ). I don't trust everyone, but that's no reason not to love and care about them. I keep my feelings under control because I really value genuine friendship and if nothing else comes of it, I never want to screw that up because every friend is valuable to my life and I truly appreciate them being there. There is just something about this one person that makes me care about him very deeply and want to give him happiness. Perhaps it's his lack of happiness and direction, his fragility, and the fact that he feels like he has no one who will really be there for him. He loves the attention, too, I'm sure. But why wouldn't I love him? He's awesome. In any case, life goes on no matter and we just have to keep going on with it until the ride is over. I want to take people under my wing and show them a better, brighter path to follow, but people fall into a trap of being addicted to their own drama and darkness. It becomes a sick, comforting friend which feeds off of them and they feed off of it. It's so sad, genuinely heart wrenching. When all is said and done, I just really want him to know that he is not alone and even though I don't believe he truly believes that no one cares about him, I always will because he has been an important part of my life. I know I won't see my friends from Job Corps much when I leave. Some will be going off to advanced training or we'll just be too far apart to see each other anyone. I have a feeling it will be like the relationships people form in psyche wards. People bond in there, exchange information, and never talk again. That's just how life goes sometimes. I really don't want to lose the friends I've made at Job Corps. They are the first friends I've made in a long time, besides the one friend I have in Keene. So I will make an effort to stay in touch and see them. I remember daydreaming when I was young that my friends and I would all get a big house in some awesome place and all live together forever. Life doesn't work like that, I know, but that's still how I wish it could be.

Job Corps has been a lot better lately, for the most part. I find that I actually enjoy being there now and I almost didn't even come home this weekend, but the calling of my own bed was pretty strong. One problem I am having, though, is that a surprising number of people there abuse cough medicine. Maybe it shouldn't be surprising, since a lot of Job Corps students are desperate and apparently have nothing better to do than go to Wal-Green's, steal a bunch of Coricidin ( or Triple C's, as they're more commonly known ), and swallow those shits. I was hanging out with one of my friends and her roommate came in the door and it was obvious that she was fucked up. She proceeded to act like a very young and confused child. It was kind of funny at first, but then I thought about the fact that this girl is almost 20 years old and it started to really annoy me. Yes, it made me really want to do it again, even more than I had already wanted to. At the same time, though, I certainly don't want to act like that. And I don't want to act any worse than that, either. Also, I feel so frustrated because I know life at Job Corps and sometimes in general is a pain in the ass, but COME ON!!! What the fuck is wrong with people!?! We're fucking adults, we're not in high school anymore! Even if we were, using cough medicine to get high would still be fucking pathetic! I try to help these people and explain that whatever problems they are having are only going to get worse with drugs, NOTHING will be solved. They'll just feel worse and worse each time they come down. But everyone is too ignorant and immature to grasp that. The girl said, " I love doing it because it's the only thing that makes me stop thinking. " Another of my friends has said, " I'm only happy when I'm high. " I honestly don't think any of these people would give a fuck if they died from doing this shit because, " You only live once, you'd might as well have ' fun ' " and other such bullshit excuses. People think there is a line between being a drug addict and being a recreational user. And maybe there is. I might not call someone who only smokes pot very rarely a drug addict. So I guess my question is: if it's something you're doing over and over again and you won't stop doing it, what about that DOESN'T make you a drug addict? If you won't control yourself that's a good indication that you CAN'T control yourself. ~sigh~ I don't know. The bottom line is, people make incredibly poor decisions and don't seem to use logic and reasoning enough, and this is why I will most likely be forever alone.

Life is so confined and constricting right now. Every day is one and the same and it will continue to be for however long I have to work. It's horribly depressing. I miss the days of freedom, doing things on a whim. Now, everything is planned, I have a schedule, their is " structure " in my life. I had it too good when I was just getting into my twenties. It's amazing to me that I'm almost 25. I still feel like a teenager. That's where I got stuck and I'm scared that I'll never feel any different. I don't want an ordinary life. I want to be able to road-trip off at a moment's notice and be released from the bonds of " the real world. "

Ahh, weekends at Job Corps, with nothing to do but come to McDonald's and leech the Wifi. It's good enough. The lack of anything else to do makes it nicer. There is a girl at Job Corps that I'm friends with, but I'm getting really annoyed with her. The other day I told her I disagreed with her speech at one of the meetings we had. She got up, and just like the staff, told us, " Everyone complains about this place, but we get housing for free, we get fod for free, etc. If you really don't like this place, then go home, no one's making you stay. " Something like that. When I told her I disagreed she said, " Why? Because you complain like a bitch all the time? " Which I know I do. I said, " I don't like it here. " She said, " Then leave! I don't want you to, but if you don't like it that much then leave! " I don't like it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's my last resort and yeah, I'm grateful for the good things I DO have here, but that doesn't mean I like being here, it doesn't mean I have to, and it doesn't mean I have to be grateful for the bullshit in this place. She's grateful for the place and that's great, she SHOULD be because she has no where to live otherwise. My life is different. I've been pampered, basically, and I have a home to go to. If I hadn't fucked up and wasted all my money, I WOULDN'T be here. I know I bitch and I know I'm not making the decision to leave so I should quit bitchin', but if I don't like something, I don't see why I shouldn't say so. And it relieves me somewhat. My instructor told me I could have most if not everything done in the next two months, so I'm trying to work my ass off. It's very hard not to let things distract you when you have no interest in the subject matter. Home next weekend, thankfully. ::rolls around in mud::

The Pathologically Eccentric
People amaze me. A boy at Job Corps told me that he played Russian roulette in his high school's football field and a couple of kids got killed. They never got in trouble because no one was around to see it. If anyone got shot and killed at a school, someone would have gotten in trouble for it; that's just how things work. If someone's mother killed the father of her child and plead insanity ( because self-defense is used too often to be valid, apparently ), the children would be placed in foster care and the mother would be placed in an institution. She would not be allowed to continue to raise the children until they were 18 and THEN go into an institution...because she fucking got convicted of murder and has been diagnosed as insane. I just don't understand. I grew up with a person who told stories. I don't know what it stems from. Maybe some people think other people are so stupid that they should be lied to because they think they are gullible. Maybe they just really need attention. And I'm really sick of everyone's depressive bullshit. Come on, now, just fucking pull yourself up and get on with life. No other person is going to make you less miserable. You're your own problem. Grow up and move on. Lighten the fuck up.

JC
Greetings, from my least favorite place on the planet. I'm surrounded by a bunch of morons with some of the most annoying voices I have ever heard, but what else is new? I didn't sleep last night. Joy. Ah well. Anyway, today I was doing OSHA training. That would come in useful for pretty much any trade except the two I had decided to take, office and pharmacy. Still, at least I'll be certified. I heard some very interesting horror stories while I was in the class. First of all, I'd just like to point out that in Wellness they give us a piece of paper that explains that if we are having an emergency, we will go to the hospital, but only if our emergency is " approved by Wellness. " So that's a little fucked up. What's more fucked up is that last week I had to sign a piece of paper stating who I would leave any and all of my assests to just in case I die at Job Corps. Very comforting. Okay, so the horror stories:

One girl in office administration went to Wellness feeling sick. The nurses there gave her some Vick's and cough drops and told her she had a cold. She followed her gut instinct and bought a bus ticket home. When she got there, she went to the emergency room and guess what? The doctors there told her she had a serious virus that could have killed her in the next twenty-four hours if it was left untreated.

This boy I know here hurt his arms pretty badly. Badly enough that he couldn't extend them from the elbows outward and when I saw him the next day they were in slings. So yes, he, at some point, DID get medical attention. But when he first got hurt, he went to the security guards at the front gate ( if I remember correctly ) and they wouldn't help him at all. They wouldn't so much as call the on-call nurse for him.

A girl who lives in my dorm literally passed out in her room. The RA overnight supervisor told her he was going to call someone and said he would be right back for her. She kept passing out and coming to for the next three hours until she was finally able to get up on her own. He had never come back, nor had anyone else come to check on her.

This same girl's roomate was having a seizure and that same asshole RA was in the room holding the roomate's head up. The girl kept trying to tell him that she was a certified CNA so she knew what was was talking about when she said that if someone is having a siezure, you are not supposed to touch them AT ALL. The guy started giving her a real dickhead attitude and said, " Don't tell me what to do! I'm a grown man! Stop acting like you know everything! "

Thank God my health is in such good hands should I ever need medical attention. Oh, and one of the security guards told me that the doctor they have here almost killed his father when she misdiagnosed him. I went to see the dentist. It was a " mandatory " appointment and I would have had a $3.00 fine deducted from my payline had I not gone. That seems a bit pricey when you consider that the appointment literally lasted less than five minutes. I spent more time in the waiting room. The dentist looked in my mouth and said, " No cavities. But you have a horrible tongue piercing. " " Horrible? " I asked. " Yes, they're horrible. " I just said, " Okay. " and left. Not to mention, I have a hole in the front of one of my teeth and if that's not a cavity, I really don't know what is. I will find out the real results of my mouth inspection when I see a REAL dentist over winter break. My roomate told me a boy in her CPP group got terminated from the program because he posted on his Facebook wall that Job Corps was like jail. I don't know how reliable that information is, but it isn't the first time I've heard a story like it. So I've decided that I'm going to finish office administration and then just be done with Job Corps. I'll go through all the bullshit of actually becoming completed, and then I'll get a job, which I assume will pay at least a little bit more than being a cashier and I will save up money and pay for my education in pharmacy tech. I would probably get a better training somewhere else, anyway. Then I'll save up, get a car, take my roadtrip to Florida ( by myself this time ) and then go to college. If I haven't shot myself in the face by then. And speaking of shooting myself in the face, I wish, I really wish the stupid, fucking cunts in this class could hear how annoying and absolutely unintelligent they sound. Even THEY would want to shoot themselves. They'd think, " Wow, I really do sound like an asshole who has never known anything in my entire life, don't I? " The answer, obviously, is yes. There really is no proper way to describe how much most of the trainees suck. In happier news, since I didn't sleep last night, I wasn't as inhibited today. So when I was sitting next to Dom in OSHA, he was playing on his phone and kind of snuggled down himself, so I said fuck it and rested my head on his shoulder. He kept telling me to move, but I told him to suck it up and deal with it. Eventually, he did. And that's just how it should be. I made another new friend here, Tyler, who I think is really cool. Things are looking up on OKCupid, too. It looks like my four month period of celibacy may be coming to an end, pretty soon. Thank God for it, because sometimes, it's all I can think about. There's this one white girl in here ( and unfortunately on my floor, so at every accountability meeting I go to ), who seems to think she is both black and funny. Even if she talked like an educated white girl, which is what she should be ( she SHOULD be educated and she should be white, because white is what she is ), her voice alone would still be annoying as FUCK. But people here are apparently colorblind to their own skin tone. I said it when I first got here and I'm saying it now, I was not a racist coming in, but I damn well may be one going out. It's all these fucking dumb loser bitches and asshole " gangstas " making a bad name for their own race. I can't discriminate against them as a whole, but I don't think there's anything racist about saying " these dumb fucking black people. " They just happen to be dumb and black. One doesn't necessarily have to do with the other. In fact, they can't have anything to do with each other when far too many white people are talking/acting " black. " The bottom line is, race is irrelevent and the world would just be a much nicer place if everyone behaved like civilized people or would at least keep their fucking mouths closed at every waking second for the sake of every other living person on the planet.