:: 2004 30 July :: 11.45 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Incubis-Criminal

Close the World |

:: 2004 28 July :: 3.03 pm
:: Mood: worried/upset/bit tired/fine

oh goodness
Omg Ok last night.. I called.. a friend and he hadn't read my journal for awhile and even if he does it's not like he remembers any of it so anyway I was like I'll copy and paste it in a word document and just read'em to him. Well, fucking brighy idea right while my mom was snoozin on the couch not 2 yards away -_- well.. I started reading the 23rd entry.. how Nathin said congrats to Brook and how I was supposed to babysit Kylee that night.. .. went onto.. like the 24th at like 3:44 in the morning or something, talking bout Brook taking me out to the cabin he built and shit and Omg my mom woke up! And I was like 'how much did you hear?' and she said 'every thing, every single bit of it' and I was just.. omg My heart stoped, I stoped breathing everything just stoped for me.. and I was like '...' and she was like 'you are in big trouble' and I was like, I'll call you later man ttyl and shit and turned off the compter the TV the lights everything so we'd be in pitch darkness right and mom told me to turn on a light so I did and she lite up a cigerate and I was like 'how much did you hear' and she's like 'i'm really dissappointed in you' and I was just like my heart just omg I was talking about popping my cherry lol xD and shit and I dont' even remember! but Omg i was in SHOCK! And she continued' here i'm thinking you want to go to this school for a better education and you just want to be closer to brook' and I was like XD oh is that all! lmao and I was like 'no no get this stragiht it is NOT because of him, hell no. what else did you hear?' and she was like 'ah i ca'nt remember it al i was half asleep, you talking bout how you want to touch and feel brook and all this shit and how your sister was drunk and how brook wants to take you out to a cabin in the mountains and fuck you and, i'm really dissapointed in you' and I was cracking up! oh my god i'm sure she heard somthing about popping cherries but I dont' think she.. processed that well yea.. i was like 'is that all?' and she said 'what am i leaving out?' and I sure as hell wasn't bout to fill her in' and I was like damn man damn and I was just laughing and couldn't believe it. So I called my friend back and this is long distance btw and went outside to talk and it was raining and it was like 1:03 in the morning and shit and yea jabber jabber jabber i was freaking out. Just the look she gave me like she knew i did it with him and I was not bout to confess and break down, maybe she was just putting on a mean face for that matter and shit but i dont'k now. Then I was out in the street talking to my friend playing in puddles and talking to cats yea but anyway he said soemthing that got my attention... he said that if my mom did know about that then.. she could get brook into trouble so.. in l.. well what i think is that.. she if she did know then she would be taking brooks ass to jail and shit and mom said later when i was back inside like an hour later lol that i'm gonna get tha boy in trouble and just.. i was like 'you didn't understand that cabin thing lol it's not like that' and she was POED at me damn man i was so triping and shit and blah blah blah .. just the looks she was giving me and she said thta if i do get pregnant she's making me keep it and i was like 'hell no, i'l stick a knife in me before i keep a damn kid' and she was looking at me and i was like' wait, i'll be 18 so i'd get an abortion on my own anyway' and ...oops did i say too much? Lol shit god man.. .. god.. I didn't go to bed till 5 and i didn't get off the phone till around 4 somthing i think >_< long distance btw XD i'm gonna be paying the phone bill i know it!

Mom called the school this morning and bulldog town said they aren't taking anymore transfers and i was just like another slap in the goddamn face. ... I was .. god.. just it didn't all click i guess. And then they said I'd have to wait for a wee after school starts so they can count the students and see if they have room for me. called mrs. volgalee (can't spell)( out super attent. and she fully supports my decision and will miss me but because our school doesn't have art and music that i'm wasting out here and that i have too much of a creative mind to stay here so she is going to do all she can to get me into that school. She is calling that super attent. guy back monday she said to have a talk with him, that she said it wouldn't take a week to count students, only a day or so so she'd call him monday and then call me... scary. She is a really nice lady I knew she'd support me.

Mom and dad are doozin and I guess my brother is alseep hell if i know so I'm up but i sure as hell aren't reading this aloud.

I call Brook and.. he is just quite playing tekken 3 on psx and.. i was like 'well.. i screwed up last night' and he was like 'what you do?' and sighed' what you do this time?' and i was like 'well.. my mom might look at you a bit differently now' and he sighed and said what?' and I said 'my mom might look at you differently now.. she misintepreted what i had said.. she umm over heard a conversation i had with a friend..' and he's like all sighed and said 'oh great' and xD ha ha oops! But yea and he was not saying a thing and i was like 'you sound like you're stoned now' and he said 'i am' and.. i can tell now.. damnit.. i told him about what jesse told me and shit and brook said he was stoned getting ready for tonight. He is going to dallas tonight, staying in a hotel room, getting drunk tonight, then tomorrow he's gonna go to six flags and get stoned before he goes on the rides, him and creg, so they can trip out. .. I am.. so dissapointed in him.. I can't.. explain this. I mean.. why am I with him? Sure he needs me but.. someone like me but.. i sure as hell don't need soemone like him.. i've let his go too damn far.. this is crazy. He asked me what i was doing and i said sitting on my bed something he can't do and he said naw that he can do that now.. i think he wsa trying to be an ass to me. But hell man he wasn't talking and i wasn't takling i could only hear tekken in the background so I was like 'yep, well don't have too much fun and when you get back you can call me at work and yea.. i'll talk to you later' and he was like 'ok' and I was like 'yea' and I was just ready to hang the damn phone up on him and i was like 'yep.. ok? dont' call me at home call me at work 'and he's like 'i get off at 2 am this morning i'll call you then' and i was like 'brook you can't and he's like 'i know' and i was like sighing annoyed with him and i was like 'alright talk to you later' and he was like.. mad at me i guess ... and was like 'alright, bye' and.. i was like 'bye' and he sighed and hung up the phone. He is way different when he's stoned from when he's drunk or buzzing from when he's just sober.. I like the sober one best .. but then the buzzin one is fun too.. ... how about none of the above? ... mom said she'd have to have a talk with brook.. so great.

Dad is supposed to take me into town later because he has to go buy cigerates.. i want to get my hair cut today and wade finnaly called today at like 10:20 and said he coudl fit me in either tuesday at 1:30 or wednesday at 4:30. Sis is supposed to take me somwhere OKC or wichita falls tursday so i picked wednesday and.. ah.. this is messed up.

.. Brook is messed up.. i can do so much better be with someone better.. be withj someone who has a family, doesn't do drugs, is all on with school and taking me out .. and here is brook.. has never ask me out to somewhere a guy who doesnt' like crowds when i like new faces and .. drugs and alcohol and stays with his little group doesn't like new people and.. it's just.. what the hell?

.. it makes no sense

I make no sense

____________________

8:53 PM

Called Mrs. Brown to tell her we'd be comming by (dad and I) to get the DVD's and she said she liked the ones she watched, Umm I think Angel Santuary and Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away and The Twelve Kingdoms and... Armatage 3 in Ploy Matrix and.. but anyway.. frickin me and her started talking and we talked for fucking an hour and a half! I mean I was telling her about school and how it sucked out here and then we was talking about how unhappy she is and how she has that collen problem to where she can't go to the bathroom right and Ms. Brown thinks my sister has an eating disorder. If she eats and throws up she won't have to go to the bathroom.. so.. my sister is thin.. i mean I am tiny and people call me tiny but my sister is i can wrap my arms around her twice i'm sure. She is like .. ok I'm a pole.. like a metal one and she is a pipe, hollow. she's just so tiny. But yea.. it makes sense.. what mrs. brown said... damn.. and we talked and talk about school and then how my sister used to go to mrs brown to talk becaues my parents were just.. they don't listen .. at all. And.. she said that my parents .. well my parents didn't like my sister talking to them about her shit and getting into our business but it really was there own fault for driving her away and shit and not listening and .. .. Well, my mom would always complain about Matt to mrs. brown and she said she just got tired of it so she had to get rid of one of them.. and she said my sister was easier to get rid of then my mother because she was just there and wouldn't go away.. so.. she stoped talking to my sister and my sister stoped talking to her and mrs brown said my mom stoped complain about matt and just talked about sis and kylee.. .. mrs. brown said 'oh wow, you are way more mature then I thought you were! I think i would really sit down and have a good conversation with you' and I was like 'thank you very much! damnit no one thinks i'm mature!' and my parents just never listen! And friggin she said i was way more mature then she thought and just damn man.. we talked and talked and it go to the thing that.. we started to talk about brook.. and i told her about him drinking and smoking.. and.. she said that i need to cool it since i'm giving him the wrong impression and oops already too late lol she said to cut back on the kissing xD ha ha damn everyone thinks i'm such a good girl -.-' and now dad and mom BOTH think that I'm going to BullDog Town to be closer to Brook! Damnit that's messed up. So I guess while I was outside this morning talking on the phone again mom went to dad and yada yada yada'ed to him -_- .. but yep.. man me and her, mrs. brown, talked for a long ass ol time. And she understands how much i've learned from watching other people suffer and how comming up tuesday the 3rd when sis and i go shopping that that will be the time to realy talk to her, to say to her 'they, I know I'm 17 but my eyes are open and you need to hear me out' thats what she said to tell her.. and.. I mean.. we both see sis isn't happy and never has been, that a sparkle left her eyes a long ass time ago.. and.. I just realized that my sister and i can get an appartment! I never thought about that! She is making way more then enough to support her and Kylee and I can support myself with my cash and then the bills could be paid by sis and i could probably even have enough to pay .. and i mean.. i could watch kylee and.. i mean it could realy work. Mrs. brown just thinks sis is just hanging in there because she doesn't want my parents to say 'i told you so' and i mean they will .. they'll be like that. .. sis knows she made a mistake and she just doesn't want it rubbed in her face.. ... damn.. i mean.. tuesday.. fucking.. she called a while ago becaue i called her ya'know and she said it could just be me and her for a change.. and i think I want to go up to OKC.. .. .. but mrs brown told me that i need to have a talk with my sister.. i mean I have my own damn problems and i am fucking grown up I don't give a fuck what you all think or say I am grown up. I've grown out of stupid habbits and caring about things that don't really matter and effect ur life... and.. just.. damn.. i mean i was just going on and on to mrs. brown and she is a good ass fucking ear i mean damn.. and.. she said it's just between me and her.. that she ain't gonna tell my parents and i was outside talking to her right? and it had been probably an hour and mom was asleep when i had called her and here comes this zombie out the back door looking for me 'you still on the phone with mrs brown?' and i was lke 'yeah' and she was like 'cha' and went inside. And I told mrs. brown what she would say when mom asked her what we was talking about and she said 'what are you talking about? we were talking about anime and movies and school' lol she is cool. .. I got inside and Mom told me 'you know I love mrs. brown to death but she see's things in a different view point then us' and no fucking dah man I was like 'well thats' obvious' lol mrs. brown is white and english mr brown is black so I'm sure they've had to deal with some shit and I was saying the only reason why i went to church was becaues it was to get away from the house (missed church today btw) and she said that she was sure some of it would rub off on me and I wa slike' ahhh naaw' and she was like' well yes maybe some years down the rode but i'm sure some of it'll stay with you' and anyway she said after i told her i wasn't big on religion that she believes that if you believe in christ and treat others the way you want to be treated that the whole world would be a better place. And ha ha that is cool but i sure as hell don't believe in one thing. I was like 'over in africa they think our religion is a bunch of bullshit and we are wrong and they are right and over here we think their beliefs are wrong and ours are right and over in china they think and I was like we just all fucking think the ohter is wrong and is gonna go to hell or something for not believe the others religion so which one is right? are we all wrong? is there even a ture religion and shit and she was just blown away at all the shit i was saying lol how 'mature' i was and damn.. I mean damn.. she is cooler then I thought. I mean.. she said it was sad how my parents had treated my sister and how they still do.. i konw my sister hates what she's gotten herslef in to and is just waiting to get out i have to believe that.. she can't be lin love with a loser like him.. but.. i mean.. my parents are crazy and i just.. my brother has talked to mrs brown too and it's just like all my parents children are going to them.. to her.. and it's... wack and i dont' know what the hell mrs brown is thinking of htis all.. but yea..

... she knows about brook.. and how when i'm 18 he wants me to move in with him and yada yada and.. she said no that that'd be the worst mistake i could make if i don't really take hims eriously and shit and.. ti's just she had to go make dinner and i had just got starte.d. but .. i am really looking forward ta tuesday.. i mean.. it's gonna be one hell of a day.. i'll wait till we get into OKC untill we start talking..

.. matt is controling.. he calls her wherever she goes.. makign sure she doesn't run off.. he might have even threatened her.. if she tries to leave.. if I ever feel like matt has done that.. i'll have brook fucking kick his ass.. and brook.. he might even end up killing the son of a bitch.. and i coudl get jon to do it.. it's amazing what people'll do for drugs.. but.. .. i was just about to tell mrs brown that i was thinking bout having brook kick matts ass.. but yea.. .. ha
...

.. ah.. anyway.. yea.. bougth some chinese food, some ice cream, went to wal mart in other words and then before that we had gone to the mall i played DDR and fucking sucked ass I failed the last song -_- it was some P song but yea i had gotten a B on it before but.. yea.. the first song was Friggin Sexy Planet a fucking easy warm up song and I got a C on it and then I did Gheam Screams or soemthing like that got a C on it too damint and then failed the last song.. and i was wearing those new black shoes of mine and my toe is killing me! But yea went to lady foot locker and decided not to get those white and red shoes but decided to get these silvery shoes nike and they didn't have'em in my size so they ordered them from OKC and should be in in a couple of days.. so yea they are like $60.. but anyway...

.. yea..


mrs brown said she can talk to me whenever.. she kept saying she wold be here every time i said no one would listen.. and she kept saying she would and.. i don't .. really want to trust her but she's cool to talk to.. ..

l.... i sitll can't wait till tuesday.. about tiem i spent some time with my goddamn sister...

Close the World |

:: 2004 28 July :: 11.53 pm
:: Mood: fine/shower fresh

nothing
Well, just called someones house lol xD ha ha I meant to call Brook but found out you should'nt press buttons in the dark >_< so I call HIS house and I guess Nathin picked up the phone and said he was at work.. Oook so I call work 'oh he left already' how long ago? 'oh it's been awhile' Ok thanks! ¬_¬ grrr he's off getting drunk I'm more then sure of that much.

Well, today Jesse came by and Sonny gave him some free food we was gonna throw out and these old nice couple was there, umm.. Jakeeta's friends I presume. Anyway, they are the ones I always get mixed up with Jakeeta's parents in law -.-' so anyway, I was sitting infront of Jesse and he was looking at my name which I drew pretty cool (for once) and started on his name and I told him to draw my name and this guy is always nice to me. I think he might of even liked me (notice past tense, remember how he asked 'oh, so you're going out with Brook now?' Ha ha 'he's a good guy' xD oops you didn't know?) But yea.. oh but anyway I went to refill the old dudes coffee and his wife went in a quite voice that cracked me up, 'is that your boyfriend honey?' and I was like chuckling a bit and was like 'no, my boyfriend's Indian thank you very much' Lol! And I told her he worked at GasMart and she said she doesn't go there much at all but she said she'd make it her chore to go there and check out this 'Brook fellow' and see if he's good enough for me xD aww! So sweet! I love those old people ^^ But yea. Lol so I go back to the back Booth and was like 'she thought you were my boyfriend Jesse, I was like pssh my boy's indian!' lol and he laughed. Dude was stoned lol. xD ha ha he even admited it. But I sat back down and had Chabon written on a piece of paper and I guess it jogged Jesse's mind because he said 'man, I dont know what it is but Brook's been hooking it up man' He was talking to Sonny who was over my shoulder. And I was like' what?' and He said that him and a friend went to the drive threw yesterday at GasMart and asked Brook for a soda and gave him a dollar for the drink and when Brook came back he had two to go boxes filled with like egg rolls and awhole lot of shit and gave him $.50 back and then said 'your pizza's not done yet' so Jesse was all stoned and was like' wtf man' lol making him all trip out and shit ha ha so his friend said 'lets come back in 10 minutes' so they leave and come back and Brook hands them a large pizza and they leave lol and Jesse was like 'man, I dont' know what the fuck happend man I was all he was making me fucking trip out man it was weird. We got all that shit for $.50 man... ' and I was like just mouth open bout to bust a lung and I was like he was drunk!' lol damn and jesse was like 'well he did look a little fucked up' XD damint Brook! You idiot! . anyway.. man that was fucked up. ... yea but he left yep.
Work went fine ._. made only like.. friggin.. 16$ in tips or something -_- fucked up man. I have 96 dollars on me.. .. cha.. that is messed up..
Got in a fight with my parents RIGHT after I got home from work -__- dad was calling me a sorry ass daughter and I was calling him a sorry ass father and how my parents weren't parents they was roomates, or friends and sucked at being parents so just to admit up to it and shit and they was just saying shit and we all just say pointless shit in the heat of the momemnt which lasted more then 20 minutes. Me and mom was playing tetris while dad was on the computer. ::sighs:: ahh family time gotta love it. It all started with mom asking me how my day went then saying she told Mattie and Laura at her work who went there to eat today at lunch that I probably wouldn't be going to school here that I'd be going to Bulldog town. THANKS MOM! Bitches dont' need to know goddamnit. If she jinxed it I swear man I'm gonna be POED! But yep that's how it started and blah blah blah and yada yada yada and they said they don't know what to do and how since I'm not happy it's something that they must of done then dad was like 'no it's something we didn't do' and yada yada and it makes us feel like shit when you aren't happy and blah blah blah my dad said there is a fine line between being stupid and being selfish. And I was like I know i'm slefish! and he says I am sometimes and I was like' no all the time lol and he said can't i be happy with what i got? and I was like 'i am happy with what i have i am satisfied, but that doesn't mean i dont' want more' always more with me more more more blah blah blah yada yada yada but yep. ... then silence and more blah blah blah and yep. Rubbed mom, watched Daria and took a shower, tried to call Brook and am now on this thing.. ..

.. haven't talked to Brook all day.. man.. today has been.. ha a fucking nother day. Damn mom told me to stop whining and complaining.. so you know what oh dad said that he thinks, because I asked them if they knew my feelings but didn't know how to handle them (someone told me that that might be the case and shit lol) and my dad was like 'what do you mean' lol and was all piss ass confused so I was like ok friend was wrong i was right you guys are clueless (ok didn't say the last part but anyway' my dad said that he thinks that if i have a problem that i'd come to them. ... cha.. damn.. so I'm just gonna shut up and wait out this fucking year...

.. damn.. oh

Plan tomorrow is, mom goes to work 4:30 gets home 10 soemthing, takes me to go get transfer tomorrow and then we go to the back way out there like an hour drive we all know right? Then I want to go to town so I have to go if i want to go to town i don't want to be in that car for an hour long drive between those two but if i want to buy those $70 shoes then i guess i have to.. so yep.. and .. i want to get my hair cut.. still can't get ahold of wade.. him or any other hair dressing place.. so.. curse you all and.. I have that Daria song in my head.. yea.. Sick Sad World! BoooOoOOo Anyway..

.... yea..


Everyone's left me.. Jahreee left.. Yusuke just jetted.. and Hiei is never on.. of course.. it's ... 2 PM over there now I think.. he is probably working.. course what would I know?

... .. thinking more about Brook and how stupid this all is.. that sex didn't mean a thing to me and he is all head in the clouds with it.. I mean.. since that day.. everyone says he's more.. just .. happier.. going to work stoned more and now drunk, buzzin.. I mean.. I am a fucking Drug to him lol damn.. I'm .. worried about this.
Rules now, no kissing me when he's been drinking. Certinly no sex if I can smell alcohol and no sex if he's stoned.. .. so in other words, i'm putting my foot down.. i just.. this is crazy. Too fucking crazy.. ah.. damnit..
Oh I want to fit tanning sometime in my plans tomorrow.. probably won't have enough money to pay the poor woman. Probably thinks I ripped her off.. anyway..

.. since everyone is asleep I guess I'll call their CELLS and wake em up..

.. ... ...

.. g'night all..



~

Close the World |

:: 2004 27 July :: 11.58 am
:: Mood: fine fine fine fine fine/ just work up

grr
Well, papa wouldn't get off the damn computer last night so I fell asleep at around 12 ta around 1 and woke up at 3 o'clock and he was off then -.-' but I was just too tired (had kept light on in room that is why I woke up) So, yes I would of updated while my mind was fresh, day later I'm stale.

Anyway.. damn I can't remember. Well, I called Brook before work and he was drinking.. yep and he worked yesterday too, drinking before work how great. But yep, went to work and Jakeeta pulled me into a corner booth she called her office and said we all had to have a 15 minute talk with her before we got our paycheck so I sat down and it was cool. She said I'm doing a great job and she gets many compliments about me and I have the makings of a really great waitress (don't know if I should take that as an insult) Anyway she just said my only problem is to stay busy. So, yep. I'm the best waitress of around my ages she has and she said she'll be more dependent on me because she doesn't know how long Laura'll last. She forgets shit and is just pretty much in that job for Sonny, her boyfriend, so yea. And some other stuff but it's all cool. I said I would come there after school and just help out and not get paid hours just get tips, like .. I was part of the family and shouldn't get paid or something. I have no problem with not getting paid by the hours at all. I love that place and it's fine and dandy with me. But yes... Brook said around 4 he would come by and I said if he couldn't come before 4 then not to bother because Jakeeta had to leave to go fix her glasses but would be comming back around that time so sure enough, 4:15 Jakeeta comes in and I'm just hoping that idiot doesn't walk through that door drunk. So, the phone rings, it's Brook, and he askes 'is anyone there? You busy? Is Jakeeta there?' and I was like yea yea hold on. We wasn't much busy but I had to refill coffee for Jakeeta's husband and his brother and friend and his mother and father so yea. I asked Jakeeta if it was ok for my boyfriend to come over for a bit since we weren't busy, and she asked how long, I said two minutes. She said ok. I told Brook that and he said I'll miss ya till then and hung up and started walking lol.

Bastard brother wants on the phone I'll have to finish this later... grrr

OK 12:27

Bastard grr anyway.. what was I talking about? OH yea, Brook was on his way and I was drinking cappuccino (you don't know how long it too me to fingure out how to spell that, capuchino lol) Shit's goood! Mmm (yes it was Shit flavored Jahreee -.-') Anyway, like.. ha ha 10 15 minutes later he walks in the door smoking a damn cigerate and looks around for me spots me and walks to me. Lol xD boy did he get looks from those old people! XD ha ha ha! Damn they was probably like 'what the hell is that girl thinking!' Anyway I was like 'you can sit down ya'know' and so He did across from me xD and put his hand on my knee lol and I almost kicked him because it tickled XD ha ha and he made fun of me lol but I tickled his colar bones so it was all good. -_- I could smell the alcohol on his breath.. damnit that shit smell good.. I love the smell of alcohol.. man.. and.. he held my hands then said he was gonna bite off my nails ._. and tired and o_O umm yea he must'ta've been buzzin. But yea.. .. and.. he put his face down on my arm and tired to bite me? And I just rasied my brow and he was like 'well I had to do something' oh and then he's like 'so what was you going to tell me on the phone? About what your parents said or soemthing' and xD I was like damn I thought he'd forget and I was like 'ah ah nevermindXD ha ha' and he was like 'nooo tell me!' and I was like 'No you are gonna crack up especially buzzin like you are' and he's like 'no tell me' and so I told him about that xD ride'em cowboy, and shit that my mom said and if you're gonna do it do it and not get pregnant then told him my dad made that indian sound and I found out it's called 'laluing' or something. Yea. He was cracking up but holding it in and using my arm to smuther his laughter xD it was funny! Lol and I was like' there's more there's more' yea lol and told him about that riding thing.. and he said right after i told him that 'well mom too late' and I was like 'whatever man, you didn't ride me it was the other way around' lmao and he was like 'shut up' ha ha
I told him that my mother said he was lucky and told him that my dad said if he calls he'll drag out the sentence another month and that if Brook was good and didn't call that he might get out early for good behavior xD lol and he said a month was just too long. And It's ture.. it is long.. I mean.. he thinks of me when he's drunk and tried calling me twice the other day.. 2 o'clock in the morning.. and.. I didn't have the phone with me.. and.. it's just.. I .. want to be there but can't and.. ah it's just crazy. But it's all cool. I call him and he calls me at work so it's fine and dandy. But yea, Jakeeta was giving me 'the look' meaning go get everyone more coffee so I did and Brook got up and I asked Jakeeta if she wanted me to run him off and she said yea, that 15 minutes was long enough. Had it really been that long? lol, so I said 'ok I'll be back in one minute', went outside to say goodbye. (since I told brook on the phone when he got inside not to hug me because jakeeta wouldn't like that) so outside hug hug kiss kiss lol and then I told him about the peas and cues thing xD ha ha ha and he was like 'my girl is goofy! everyone my girl is goofy!' and he yelled it rather loud!!!!! Omg I mean there are buildings and I sore I heard an echo omg I was hitting him lol to get him to shut up xD
But yeah.. and.. he is so much taller then me, then he picked me up and said 'jakeeta, she's leaving' and i was like xD and wraped my legs around him and said it was a little better, meaning my face was almost even with his (height wise) and yea.. then I heard a car and I wiggled out lol xD ha ha and he sighed, i'm always pushing him away when a car comes. But yea.. He was bout late for work I was sure so I was like 'ok ok leave now' and stuff and he was all like fine pretending to walk away and leave but came back and yea but I was like 'Okay! go leave! go to work!' and ha ha I hugged him and started to bite his neck and was all well yea and he turned his head away giving me more room and completely shut up then i pecked him on the lips pushed him away and said 'now go to work' and walked away and he just looked at me mouth open arms still open and said 'OOoO! You PUNK!' Lmao I was cracking up and on and on down that street I could hear him 'you punk Oo!' Lol ha ha.. I know I cheat.. ha ha he deserved it.. he was trying to kiss me kiss me but that alcohol was making my stomach turn again so.. when he drinks fucking no kissing that shit makes me sick.. I remember that day I took the truck to his house and how he was all buzzing still and.. the smell and the taste.. i was sick all day.. yuck.. disgusting. I'm putting my foot down. He drinks, no kissing. It really does make me sick, i wonder why.

Damn my brother is a Bastard.. man.. he keeps saying he always says this 'if you were my brother i'd beat the shit out of you' and Oo damn I .. I might get brook just to beat the shit out of him damn does he piss me off damnit 'boo hoo stop telling me what to do! this is an adult conversation' .. damnit even my mother is afraid of him.. damnit.. i might get brook to beat the shit out of him.. he is such an ass.. no respect.. i can see why he's jealous of me just like my sister, because i get away with so much shit.. it's just i can.. get them to somewhat have empathy with me.. that's why i can pretty much get myself out of bad situations.. .. I .. dont know.. but damn.. he needs to be out of the house. he has it so easy here... damn asshole god.. i hate him.. anyway it's 1 i need to finish getting ready and need to call my BABE. He calls me baby now 'what's up baby, baby what's up' .. .. .. and.. ah..

..

Yesterday while I was talking on the phone with him.. because I was at home.. and was sitting in my room with no light like around 9 and.. I told him 'i'm afraid I'll loose you, I'm scared to admit you mean something to me now' and there was a pause and then he said 'what are you trying to say? you have something surming in your head I know it' and then another pause and then he said ' you won't loose me' then another short pause 'come'on i'm tall and indain you can't miss me' -.-' and had to be stupid about it. But.. he does mean something to me now.. ...

I have to call in a HB for me dad and some FF (hambuger and french fries) so yea..

..

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 26 July :: 11.46 am
:: Mood: fine/still waking up

Oooh yeah
Well, this morning I get a call, a wake up call I guess you could say, at friggin almost 8 o'clock, and it's Laura. Yep, she asked if I would cover for her today since her friend was in the hospital having a baby. So I said yea 'sure sure, but I am just covering for you, we are not switching days' and she said 'oh you want to swich days?' and I was like 'no!' and yea so I called Jakeeta just a bit ago and she said that I do NOT have to swich any days with her since she wanted the day off just because it was Sonny's day off. I was like 'her friend is having a baby' and she said 'well yea but still' lol so I work Monday 2-8, Tuesday 2-8, off Wednesday, Thursday 12-8, Friday 2-8, off Saturday and Sunday 11-2. That's 30 hours! Meaning my paycheck'll be around $65 >_< wow! XD So yep fun stuff. Brook is working all week -_- ::sigh:: yea.. he is crazy when it comes to working.. that's all he focuses on.. work work work weed and booze -___- oh well.

I hate these dogs.. wish they'd get a des- forget it better not say it.

But anyway...

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 26 July :: 12.35 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit tired
:: Music: Spirit-The Movie

Close the World |

:: 2004 25 July :: 11.59 am
:: Mood: cold/bit tired/still achy/fine

Well, went to bed at friggin 2 o'clock had my clock set for 4 and I woke up at 7:10 by the sound of my mom's voice on the phone trying to find out where my brother was I guess... so yep.. I'm a bit pissed that I .. didn't call him... I .. I don't know. I'll call him at 2.

My parents are gone.. went fishing, I'm not sure as to what time it was when they went because I was back asleep.

.. Yep..

Oh and for the girl holding the panties and the f-finger guy.. well.. I just want more comments so that's pretty much the only reason why I put you on my friends thing, that and ur journals seem, compiared to other Woohu people, pretty sane so yep..

.. yep

Close the World |

:: 2004 24 July :: 9.34 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit aggravated

Well, Brook wants me to call him at 4 o'clock in the morning -_- grrreat. Man that fucking sucks lol. I'll have to set the alarm.
.. ahh.. Brook I miss him.. still lusting.. I just.. want to be next to him.... but yep.. he's gonna be drunk off his ass when I talk to him next and that's IF he is up.
Fucking shit man, I didn't sleep till 5 o'clock and I was talking on the phone with Luis.. yep..
But yep got at work just on time and anyway I called mom and said that I was taking them out to dinner at 9 after I got off so to be ready and blah blah I called Mrs. Copeland (piano teacher) and invited her and she said she might be able to make it and I told her that I was gonna talk about me going to school in Bulldog town and she is like.. another mother man. She really likes me like a daughter.. I bet she wants me to marry her son Seth xD lol dude's too young and frickin nerdy for me. But yep, talking bout this school all day with grandma and grand pa (jakeeta's parents in law) and yea.. it was really awesome. And blah blah Mom calls and says she ain't going to dinner no more and I was like 'you are going I'm paying' and she started fucking yelling on the phone and I said that I had someone else meeting us there and she asked who, to tell them to just forget about it and I told her mrs. copeland and she said that she could just pick me up and i could treat her just to lunch and grrr.. man i hung up on her. But shit man.. Brook called we talked a bit and.. man.. he said 'kiss kiss hug hug x o x o xx oo ' and shit like that lol .. damn.. it's just. crazy.. oh he was high too -.-' ... but yea..

.. fucking 4 o'clock.. damn that's messed up.

.. mom has pissed me off. When I finnaly want to talk to them .. just.. she ain't tired or fucking nothing now. You know what she just said to me? 'you where gonna take us out to eat but you could'nt pick up some hamburgers on the way home?' ah hell no, fucking.. oh my god have i had a bad day.. well bad but.. it's not bothering me anymore lol. I have a plan to get my hair cut.. I'm gonna have bangs.. like my eye brow length then some that go below my eyes but just here and there.. really choppy, and It's just gonna be the top, and I'll get the back an inch shorter but that's all since brook wants my hair long.. get more highlights.. I'll have to check bulldogs policy and shit.. they might not allow streaks.. but yea.. and blah blah I need a transcript and I'm gonna call my principal tomorrow.. if I can remember.. .. ah..
...

Mom is driving me maaaaaaaad grrrrrr

.. but yes..


.. ::sigh:: .... ... fucking 4 though! Damn!

4 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 24 July :: 3.44 am
:: Mood: tired/sore

Just now got back.
Now before I forget, I updated my profile and kinda made character profiles (I feel like this is a novel) So yea, if I forgot anybody.. oops.

But yes.. Matt just dropped me off.. my sister's husband.. and yep. She was drunk off her ass and passed out when she got home.. well she was sick lol and was bout to pass out. Damn he is such an asshole! Ass HOE!

::clears throat:: anyway, no luck with miss evil falling asleep but I talked to brook for 72 minutes (so said the phone) and yep.. .. he said.. that ha ha he can't sleep on his bed because it makes him start thinking about what happened and he can't sleep XD ha ha and I was like 'ARE YOU For REAL!' and he was like 'yes shut up! atleast I told you the truth so leave me alone' XD ha ha ha aww he is too cute!
Yep.. since my horoscope said that.. I asked him 'so it was that big a deal to ya huh?' and he said 'yea' like a dah yea.. and.. .. I wanted to press it and was like 'why' and.. damn I can't even remember.. but .. he was saying that.. he hadn't smoked in 3 days (was telling Creg this since he was there with Brook) and Brook said 'yea man, I know it's good' and I was like '3 days? how come?' and Brook's reply was that he was just happy.. lol and .. ha ha I was over there on the 21st so yea I guess it was because of me ^^ man.. Oh I was like 'man.. I wonder how long this'll last' and He was like 'what last?' and I was like 'us' and he was like '.. I wonder too, I don't know' and I was like 'yea.. ' and he said 'dont' jinx it!' and I laughed lol.. but .. both of us.. and then he was talking about just listening to the rain and turning everything off in the house and just listening to it and I said 'maybe one day i could be there next to you listening to the rain' and he said I need to hurry up and turn 18.. I'd like that. And I can't remember how it came up but about next time we do it or whatever oh oh I said something about me going over there to his forbidden room lol since he is paranoyed about his bed now XD ha ha and he was like 'naw, I got the perfect spot' and I was like 'damn man!' lmao, he already has it planned out lmao and I was like 'where?' and he said in a cabin that him and creg built out in the mountains a long time ago.. and I was like cha whatever lmao ... heck no, I'd be paranoyed!
But yes.. I miss him and he misses me.. and.. after.. he said.. ah something.. about oh I make the remark 'so it was that big a deal to you' meaning the 'sex' and he was like 'it wasn't for you?' or something and I was like 'well.. it just.. felt like the thing to do.. like.. well I told you I just feel relaxed around you and whatever' and I dont' know.. but yea.. lol ... he was talking to kylee and telling her to hang up that he'd give her a bag of candy if she'd hang up the phone xD lol and kylee said "ok" and I was liek Nooooo lol But yep.. Brook is working Monday now.. he said he'd cover for his friend from 4 to 11 or something.. sure.. but yep.. I work at 12 today.. lol and it's almost 4 XD and I have to get up at 10 xD great. Oh sis gave me friggin $10 too btw ha ha
But Brook.. there is more but to spare ya'll yea.. but Nathin had to use the phone so Brook said he'd call me back.. blah blah hour passed I guess and sis called saying they'd be home soon (which really turned out to mean over an hour longer) and so I decided to call Brook and say not to call lol and turns out he got stoned off his ass and was asleep lol so he said night and that he was going to sleep and he'd figure something out tomorrow. I guess he'll call me at work.

But yep.. sis is drunk of her ass my boy is stoned.. great.

.. damn.. Brooook when will I get to .. be with him next? Damnit..

.. ah.. this is gonna drive me insane. Turns out him and Creg got some kind of plan going so Brook's not leaving? Yea figure that one out.
Mom thinks Brook's moved onto Greener Pasters, thinking he has another woman on the side -.-' because he didn't call much before I got in trouble.. she said that in the car, she was like 'why can't you see blah blah blah' and I was just like -.-''' yea..

Luis says he's bout to break up with his girl he supposedly loved.. so.. shit I hope it ain't me lol But yep.. I push my fingers into my eyes, it's the only way it slowly stops the ache.. maybe I should try that lol xD hell no!

But yep.. I'm tired, hungry, chest is hurting, head hurts, brain is fried, and my hands are beginning to hurt.. Kylee wrote all up and down my arms so I need to scrub harder ... ah.. greatness...


...

Close the World |

:: 2004 23 July :: 6.20 pm
:: Mood: kinda tired/sore

Me'z a Buda! La la la
Eee my stomach hurts! Ha ha can't even press on it without it just ouchin ^^' hee hee I'm supposed to Babysit Kylee tonight at 9:30/10:00 to like around 1 o'clock or something :\
But yes I called my boy this morning (my boy!) after I had mowed the grass -.-' (dad was mowing it so I went out there and took over.. he couldn't handle it) But yep! It was like 1:32 and He work's at 3 and gets ready at like 2 and yea ha ha Anyway, he was telling me that when I left, when he was back inside Nathin was in the hallway and asked 'who was that that just left?' and then he left down the hall and Brook was in his room or something and he told me that Nathin poked his head around the corner and said to Brook "congradulations man" and I just cracked up and Brook said the only thing he said to Nathin was '' You son-of-a-bitch'' XD lmao Ha ha ha! That is funny! XD!! And he said that his back was still killing him and Creg asked if there was something wrong with Brook because he was acting different and then Duces said the same thing and ha ha xD Brook was like 'naw man my back just hurts' and Oh my gosh it was sooo funny what Brook was telling me! So many were picking on him! Ha ha! I was like 'there is no way I could meet Creg or Nathin now! No WAY!' lmao I'd be sooo embarrased XD I'd turn Bright RED! But yes it was so funny and Brook said last night he couldn't get back to sleep because of his bed XD lol he said I did break it. That it's all lopsided. And I was like 'babe, I wasn't even on the bed, you were the one on the bed' xD ha ha ha I was picking on him sooo bad!
Yea, I was like Ohh! I told him 'but man I was laughing on the inside the whole time!' and Brook said he was too xD ha ha and I was like 'you better of been laughing at yourself' and He was just I could hear him sigh lol XD ha ha He is so cute and nice to me ha ha and he was like 'naw man I just bet we looked.. so funny' ha ha and he was sure as hell right I'm sure. And I said 'man I know we need practice' and He said 'sure as hell right!' and ha ha like he was looking forward to it and I said 'yea I'm looking forward to it' and He's like 'dang' lmao. But then.. I was like 'I'm really embarrased to say this but.. next time you really need to wear a condom and I hope it's not too late already' and he was like 'ok' and I mean like the way he said it.. it's like he had no problem with it at all and I was just.. like relived but.. then.. curious.. I dunno.
But I told him that Laura was being a bitch to me at work (Sonny's girl) and I didn't know why and Brook said 'because she's pregnant' and I was like '...' and I was like 'with Sonny?' and he was like 'yea' and I was like omg right and I was like 'how long?' and Brook said 'a week' xD and I was like '.. .. really?' and he was like 'naw I'm just playing' and I was like 'you ass!' and He was all laughing -_- ::pouts:: he is so mean to me xD naw lol he said he likes to make me mad xD what an ass! He said because I make him mad so easily and I was like 'I don't mean to!' Ha ha And he was like 'naw I just tease her and ask her when Sonny Jr. Is gonna come along' and I was like 'well, I just don't want to Brook Jr.' and he was like 'Dang, naw playin. I dont' want one either' and I was like 'well.. just.. I hope it's not too late.. I mean I know you didn't come but still..' and He was like 'naw, I'm sure you're not pregnant' and I was like how could he be sure? Does he like have a problem and can't have children? GREAT right? Lol but nope, sorry not that easy. He was like 'naw, it's just the percentages. I'm just pretty sure you're not pregnant' And I was like' how are you so sure?' and He was like 'man I don't want to sound smart' and I was like 'no no go on' and he all said something that if the male does drugs that like there is 50% more of a chance that the fluids will not be effective or something, like the girl has 50% more of a nonchance of getting pregnant or something and he said now if the girl does drugs it's the opposite and she has a more of a chance and he just fucking lost me but ha ha he called it fluid, talking bout his seed ha ha so cute. But I didn't know what the hell he was talking bout so I was like 'But still Brook, you know I jinx shit and with my luck' and He was like 'that is true, you do jinx everything' Like if I could i would underline Everything because he like said it longer and shit and in other words he meant I jinxed the 21st and I was like 'hey buddy, I'm not the one who knocked the clock off the nightstand and wouldn't let someone use the phone' lol and he was like 'that is true' lol xD ha ha but man just all he was telling me. About how everyone wanted to know why he was cheesein and why his back hurt. Aww.. it's just.... dang.

But yep.. it was like 2:30 and He still was talking to me and I was all like why ain't he hangin up getting ready for work. And like at 2:40 He was like 'man girl you're gonna make me late for work' and I was like 'yea I was wondering why you haven't hung up yet' and He's like 'naw' But he said that he wanted me to call him at work in an hour, that he'd get everything done. And I was like just have a girl call and ask for me then give the phone back to him and he said ok that he'd do that. But Yea, 2:52 is when he finnaly hung up. ...
.. Damn.. I really like him. I've been aching for him -__- ::ashamed:: lustin ^^',\\ But yea.. I said I was missing him and he said he was missing me and damn xD that bed lol! But Yea, I said that Monday I work and he doesn't and he's like 'oh.. OH!' lol and it finnaly clicked and he's like 'oh, can't wait till Monday, better wright that down' ha ha and I said quitely 'I don't know if I can wait that long' ha ha xD But yeps, I called him back and told him that I was gonna babysit tonight and gave him my sis's number and said to call around 9:30 to 10:30 then said just that I'd call him and he said he'd be at work and I was like 'oh, ok' and he said 'I'll wait for your call' and I was like whoa lol unexpected. But yep.. Monday is the next set date ha ha And it, I'm sure, isn't even gonna work out. Ashely said that I probably won't be able to spend the night and blah blah and I was telling Brook on the phone this morning about how cool Jakeeta was. Saying that if I could go to Bulldog town that I could walk to work then have my boyfriend take me home. Call home and say 'hey mom dad I'm leaving work be back before 10 tonight' and that'd give us almost 2 hours and I was just like damn she is smart. And turns out I was like 'yea but Brook How'd I get a ride TO school and he said 'you can just ride the vo-tech school bus' And OMG! I never thought about that! Our school's vo-tech bus goes right by Bulldog Town's school and drops off this retarded girl and that could give me a ride there and all I'd have to do was be picked up! And if I worked I could go to work and Brook should have his house and car by then! I mean! wow! and brook was like 'hey Jakeeta could I have your autograph' lol and likes her now. Ha ha but damn! That would work! I could really go to school there! And during lunch I could see Brook! Just OoOOo! It could really work!

But yes I'm excited about that but I'm not gonna bring it up to my parents just yet. ... ha.. but.. dang.. Broook... Monday.. I don't see how'd it work unless I got out of work early.. and I doubt I could do that and.. even if I did go to Brook.. if he poped my cherry.. I'd be in pain and in trouble, would'nt be able to walk and I sure as hell couldn't go home. .. and.. blah blah I just.. I don't know what's gonna go on.. go down whatever the hell.. so.. yeps.. but.. my horoscope says (Brook's too) Libra: Skimming the surface won't do. Dig deep, whether you're cleaning the garage, studying or trying to figure out what's on your loved one's mind.. || Yep that's what it says.. so.. I'm thinking.. when I talk to Brook tonight.. something might be on his mind.. maybe Kylee will get tired and sleep so I can really talk to him...

But yep.. I have a ache for him now -___- I just want to be with him for a whole day. Be able to sleep next to him.. and massage his back and just.. fricking touch him.. his scent when we did it.. he smelled wonderful.. I guess it was his shampoo.. and.. I didn't see any scars on the front of him.. I didn't really get a good look at his back however.. but yea..

.. ha..

I can't help but want him...


But this school thing.. wow.. .. it could really happen.. and.. ah.. damn..


.. ^^ damn I could really be in band again! And they have art classes! And now are building it better, getting a new highschool building and now have more cameras and >_< OOoOo i want this damnit!

Close the World |

:: 2004 23 July :: 12.47 pm
:: Mood: fine/still sore

... cha
Well, called the Boy's and Girls Town National Hotline (-.-' 1-800-448-3000) -_- Because the girl said I had actually intercourse that I was not a virgin anymore and neither was he. It just.. doesn't seem.. like such a big deal, as in my mind, I made it out to be.
Ok in other words, my "cherry" didn't "pop" and he didn't come.. Also, there was no condom involved and it scares me to think I might be pregnant so I don't think about it.

Here is the deal:
After church my parents still weren't back from the dentist (mom's appointment was at 11:30 and church was over at 8. It's an hour drive but still, come'on now) so Anton drove me home and had to be home but I made him let me get the ice key so I could take it back to work, I was paying for gas. I dropped off the stolen Ice key (I ran off with it again -.-' didn't mean to) and had him drive by GasMart (Brook's work) and we didn't see him soo I'm like 'let's drive by his house!' and.. we passed it and turned around and I got Anton to walk out to knock at the door because I was a scardy cat to go up there myself. Turns out while Ton's was a knockin on the door brook was walking from next door. He was like 'what the-?' Lol.. I gave Anton a five and he left me there with Brook.. I didn't have quite the plan but I thought Autum would be able to take me home so.. ha I stayed.
Went to the living room, sat down, he put in Resident Evil 2 for PSX and was playing it and he was like 'you have something on your mind, what is it? I know that look well now' and .. I just looked to his hands and didn't say anything.. I just.. never know how to talk to him.. and I just.. want to talk to him like really talk to him but.. it just never works. So I'm all leaning on him and running my nails up and down his arm and it was ok at first but like 10 minutes into just stupid talk and me doing that he flenched away and said 'ok you're gonna have to stop that, that's spot 4' and I was just I cracked up and I was like' Brook! how many spots is there!' Lol .. and.. he started to kiss me.. and -_- the game was on pause (nathins dad was in his room asleep and it was no one else there but us) And.. then I got in his lap and we was kissing and Brook was like sunk into the couch lol and I was real talk feeling like that.. and he said I needed to stop it because it would lead to 'other' things.. I just looked at him.. and continued XD then he lifted me up and layed on the couch with me on him and.. I was >.> niping his weak spot on his neck and .. -_- then I found out spot number 5 -.-' his bottem lip. ^^ man he was like sticking it in my mouth lol XD I was more then willing to nibble on it xD. Anyway, he was like 'you gotta stop it, cheater' And nibble nibble and.. he started to grind against me and I was like 'finnaly!' that was a thought lol but yes I enjoyed that.. and.. then.. we kept that up and I was kissing him and he's like.. his hand is trying to get in the back of my pants lol and I wear my belts really tight and his hand couldn't get in xD ha ha ha so he tries it from the front lol XD ha ha ha I mean lastnight was frickin halirious! Oh man was I just having a blast with him lol! (Ok, I had called home right when I got inside his house. My brother got the phone and I didn't tell him where I was, I said I'd call back and so yea that was at like 8:40) But anyway he sighed when he couldn't get his hand in that was and I was just laughing and he was like 'shut up! I haven't done this before' he is just so so sweet lol little virgin boy xD he still is really lol. But yes, he's like 'it's your damn belt' and I was like 'well, take it off' and.. ha ha he had trouble just a bit with it and got it undone then was like 'do you just want it undone or off all the way?' and I was like 'your choice' and I mean I made it his choice the whole time. I guess it was my way of.. really.. well.. I mean.. If I made him do everything then I could deny it later.. but I feel aweful for it but.. yea that's the truth. But anyway so he's like 'we'll just take the whole damn thing off' and lol started pulling it off and ha ha he's like 'your belt with like a thousand holes in it' and I'm sure you've all seen those belts with like 2 holes on top of each other all along the belt? Yea, I had on a black one on. But it soon was flung to the floor and lol I was making fun of him the whole time. But yes.. ahh.. his hand went down there a bit but my jeans was tight and he didn't get 'that' far so yea lol but anyway xD fucking front door flies open and hello! Nathin's home! lmao so I hide my face in the couch cushion next to Brook's head lol and Nathin was like 'what the fuck? You guys take it to you're room' Lol I was so sooo embarrased! And I was just laughing hiding my face and Brook was laughing at my reaction and he was like 'well we better do what he says don't want him comming out here bitchin' so he's like 'come'on' and picks me up at my ass and I lock my legs around him and he holds my thighs and starts to walk off and I was like 'you're gonna leave my belt?' and he all sighs, goes back to the couch, sits on the couch, bends down with me and grabs the belt, turns of the TV and playstation and it's pitch black and I'm just hoping I don't get hit with a wall since he's carring me and we get into his pitch black room and my belt hits the floor SoMeWhErE god only knows his room was a mess of clothes everywhere. And he locks the door and sits on his bed and falls back and I'm left there just sprawled ontop of him and move a bit lol and he's like 'ouch' and I'm like 'oh now he says ouch' and he's like 'shut up' lol xD ha ha and so I lean forward (do you want details? Sorry can't help myself) and ran my hands up his flat ass stomach and fucking chest and Mm fucking damn I was already tired lol I guess I don't get turned on very easily at all lol lol xD damn at all at all lol but yea.. and my head was above his and I scooted back and his hands rushed to my tighs and he was like 'ouch' lmao oops ha ha I was like oh well lol But the clock said.. shit.. I think.. 9:45 or something and I was like 'man I need the phone I need to call' and he's like 'no' and I was like kissing him and then I pulled away and was like 'fuck, 9:47' and he just fucking 'stop looking at the clock and knocked the damned thing off his nightstand xD along with a shit load of other stuff I couldn't see but sure as hell heard lol it was glass something. But yea.. didn't take him long to pick up on the grinding again and soon I was on my side, I was biting his lips and he found out that my jeans had 4 bottens XD lol poor guy! He was having such a hard time! Anyway he.. tired to undo it and was all sighing really hard and kept stopping then I rolled on him and was kissing him and he tired it again and sighed and couldn't get it and he was like 'what the fuck man' lmao I was cracking up at him! And he sighed reallly hard and his hand went to his forehead like really fustrated and was like 'damnit I haven't done this before I don't know what to fucking do' and XD I was like 'awww Brook you're so sweet' lol xD ha ha And so he tried again and sighed and couldn't get it so I layed back down on my side and proped up my head on my arm wasn was just watching him lol loving every moment of his fustration and he was like 'I know' and turned me around so my back was to him and I was just wondering why he never did that in the first place. His arms were around me and he just undid 1, 2, 3 buttons and I said that was enough. Didn't take his hand long to get down there lol. That was the best part I think.. close to it. But he asked me how far I wanted to go and fuck man my pants went down and he worked at his and (turns out today he told me he broke his belt ^^') I was ontop of him and .. yep.. he was in me.. no hesistation to use a condom and I sure as hell wasn't gonna ask for one but.. it just... I thought it would hurt more.. but I guess he's small? xD I mean I hate to say it but I think that's how it is. But yes and then we turned and I was on my back him on top and that sure as hell didn't work and he was like 'fuck' because he sure as hell didn't know what the fuck he was doing so I .. god I feel so fucking.. god.. stupid writing this damnit but I rode him pretty much the whole time XD lmao But yes.. and.. it didn't hurt at first and.. that poor poor boy couldn't keep a rythm at all .. he kept comming out and was like 'fuck, fuck, fuck' lmao I was just laughing on the inside. But yep, I took his shirt off and he was butt ass naked and I still had my bra and shirt on lol xD oh well I'm glad it was like that, I'd would of been way more embarrased.
But yes.. just.. how he flet.. his back with a cold sweat.. and.. my had was fisted in his hair when he started to get deep. (turns out Ashely told me that riding hurts worse cause they get real deep) and he kept asking if I was ok and I didn't answer and he kept asking it over and over and I was like 'it hurts' and He was like 'i'm sorry' and I said 'i just want you to enjoy it' and he's like 'me too' meaning he wanted me to enjoy it when ... yea.. but.. it was towards the end to.. like 10 something now.. and I would set a rythm and.. he would get with it for awhile, and not less then a minute he could get carried away and break it. Then we'd have to start up a new one and lol it was just funny as hell poor boy was so so fustrated. But yep. We need practice and I'm way looking forward to it. But yep.. he kept asking if I was ok because at the end is when we just started to get with it then there was a knock at the door but.. it was Brook's smoking buddy he told to come over but we didn't move lol and.. my hand was just fisted in his hair and I loved it.. man I was biting anything I could get ahold of xD ha ha I think I bite his eye too xD his eyebrow lol lol it was fun.. funny too.. ha.. but yes.. someone came in the house and we could hear it and talking so I got off of brook.. and boy.. ::clears throat:: Yea but he checked to make sure the door was locked and then he layed back down on the bed and I crawled back on top of him and put him in me again man I was just.. damn.. I wanted more.. and.. yea but.. anyway~
Too many voices so we started to get dressed and I couldn't find my jeans and he couldn't find his and so I found mine and put'em on and bearly could stand to get them on. I mean I literally collapsed on his bed. My legs just gave out. It was my thighs they was like numb or something and I fucking mean it. It was scary lol. But I couldn't find one of my socks and then I was thinking about the movies and everything how after they have sex they can't find there clothes so fuck man I threw my sock aside and said 'ok so I'll pretend I didn't wear socks today' lol and put my shoes on and a car drove by, shining light in the room and I saw that Brook wears tighty whities XD lmao I so pictured him in boxers xD I'm dissapointed XD ha ha ha But yea then after he had his pants on he turned on one of his black lights and didn't know what shirt he was wearing and was looking for it and he saw my other sock so I put my socks and shoes on and then couldn't find my belt and.. man.. fucking his body.. damn.. fuck.. he's hott damnit lmao damn.. he walked by me and man I just reached out and felt his stomach hair.. at the bottem.. and.. pulled him on me and he was shaking. You know how you do like push ups or something and if too many your arms'll start shaking? That's how it was.. but it was my turn to grind man. His leg was between mine and fuck man.. I didn't want to stop. But yes we found his shirt and I couldn't stand and he said for me to go to the couch and nathin was on the phone i needed it, it was like close to 11 and.. I reallly needed to call lol. But I tried to stand and I just fell again and I was like 'Brook, I can't walk, I can't stand' and he was like 'I'll carry you' Thing is he wanted to go next door to go roll one, smoke one.. that he'd be right back and I was like 'omg wtf' and I was like 'Brook, you're not gonna smoke one now, you can wait till I leave' and he was like come'on and so I tried to stand and I started to fall and he caught me but I pushed him away and fell on his bed and I was like 'I mean it my fucking thighs are numb' and nathin was yelling on the phone and brook was like 'ok i won't smoke i'll just go roll one and be right back' and I was like 'you got 2 minutes' and he picked me up (oh he had found my belt) and I leaned backwards when we got to the couch and just was like droped on it but I did it lol and he was all 'when the lights go off on the phones he's off and you can use it' and I was like 'brook' and he was like 'what' and I was like' i'm serious you are not gonna go smoke right now, you can wait till I leave' and he was like 'ah' and I was like 'brook i don't want to be left here alone, with some fucking guy i don't know and an old dude!' and he was like 'ok ok' and came to me holding me 'i won't leave you' and.. ah.. but yea.. he stayed got some water nathin got off the phone, I decided to call Ashley and spend the night and Brook was saying she wouldn't come get me since she was in bulldog down adn wouldn't drive this far and she didn't ask, she just came. And so.. I was like Brook, unless you can find me a ride I'm gonna call Autum because I can't walk. And it's a ten minute walk up to the place I told them I was gonna meet them at, SubShack. yea so I was like 'oh fuck no' and Brook was like 'you are not gonna call autum' and I was like 'brook i cant' walk' and he was like 'i'm bearly standing!' and I was like' well unless you are gonna carry me we ai'nt gonna make it in no ten minutes' and he sighed, called her house and she wasn't there. He just.. .. his expression.. ah.. I love being with him.. he called like 6 other places, saying 'damint i don't want to call this bastard damnit i don't want to call blah blah' didn't like the people but was looking for her for me. and .. it felt good. Because he just doesn't want shit to do with her anymore and I don't fucking know why. But.. no luck so we started out to walk, went next door and my plan was to call mom at Ashley's. Brook said he'd be back to smoke in like 10, 15 minutes and dude said he'd be asleep and so we left towards the street, and a car was comming and Brook said 'it's a truck' and I sure as hell can't tell by headlights but anyway he stoped and I was like 'why are you stoping?' and he said 'can't I wait till this car passes?' and I was like 'ah..' and turned towards the car and then really heard it and I was like 'its' our truck!' and Brook was like 'yep' with a sigh lol ha ha i'm such a jinx. But yepz, mom got out, pointed a finger at Brook 'you are NOT to call for 30 days' and blah blah and Brooks' expression was like.. pricless poor poor boy I cause him so much trouble. His expression he was just wordless lol. But bitch bitch bitch in the car, windows down, stoners out on random porches and mom turns around and we drive by brook's house again and on the phone today at work when I called him he said that he could hear them bitching and he was like 'damn how bad was it' But yea.
Waited at SubShack for Ashley, and she finnaly came, Turns out they got stoped for going 55 in a 45 zone and no ticket and went to the wrong place, 5 minutes turned around and came to subshack where we were. And yea.. hug hug she is shorter then me now and she came in the truck and spent the night. Got home and talked outside for like an hour and shit and told her everything about lastnight and before and shit and she has an off and on man who's 23 that she .. loves his ways now and yada yada.

Anyway on the couch lastnight I was telling Brook how my parents were talking bout kicking me out and he said 'well I'm about to get my place' and he is serious about me moving in with him and just cha lol

But yep.. I called him when I got to work like after 2 today and he was still asleep lol! Ha ha boy was he sore and cranky lol ha ha but sweet to me. He said he thinks I broke his bed, that there is like a dent and lump in it and I told him to shut up lol xD ha ha and he was like 'I'm serious! It took me forever to get to sleep' ha ha but yea.. I said I had to go I'd call him in 10 15 minutes because Jakeeta was just about to leave and jinx lol we started talking, me and Jakeeta about everything and she just was like 'you keep getting in trouble and yada yada' lol and sonny was like 'you just keep adding shit ontop of shit' ha ha And anyway, it's just.. jakeeta is really cool. but yea.. I was like 'what should I do' and she was like 'well I dont' know, you say every idea of mine won't work so just tough it out till you're 18, there really isn't anything you can do if your parents don't want to let you go' so.. I think i'm gonna be all happy and wait out my 30 days of punishment because I deserve it and just be happy and enjoy the time with my parents I have left untill I am 18 and fucking get the hell out of here. Will I still be with Brook at the time? I don't see myself without him anymore... But yep. I didn't call him back untill after 3 and he was at work. I had Sonny call him becaues I did'nt want to ask for him because I think they know my voice there and sonny is a guy so yea.. and anyway I talked to him and he wasn't that busy and we talked for awhile then his phone started to die lol i'm such a jinx and for the first time EVER he said 'you can call me back in like an hour, I shouldn't be busy then' and he has never asked me to call him back at work before, never and I was like damn lol I said 'how bout you call me back 'and he was 'ok, then I'll talk to ya later' and I was like 'alright' click and he called me back in a couple of hours. I figured he got busy and he did. But yep I was busy too so it didn't matter. I wasn't mad at him for not calling in exactly an hour or anything. But yep.. he said he was kinda busy so that I could call him back before I left work, when I got off. Lol and I was like 'call you back at work?' and he's like 'yea' and I was like 'ok' and so.. after I got all my shit done, I had the silverwear in my lap and was rollin while I talked to him and .. yea.. but yep.. he said he probably wouldn't be home till around two so yep.. it's like 1:50 now so. I'm gonna call him once I get off.. try anyway.. But yep.. he said he'd miss me when I told him I had to go that my ride was here (dad lol) and I was like 'miss you too' and.. I think.. it was when he called me back.. like the 2nd time I talked to him.. I said 'man I've been thinking about you all day' and he's like 'yea me too' and.. it's just.. I've wanted him all fucking day long. I dont' care how sore I am.. I just.. ah.. .. and.. ah.. stupid.. stupid stupid..

But yep.. if i'm pregnant my shit'll hit the fan.. I mean there is NO WAY I'm keeping a baby and .. .. ah.. ah.. it's just ah..

But yep.. I am way sore still and I've felt kinda sick.. and.. Brook says' he's sore but shit he was the on sitting down ha ha but yes yes.. fricking.. argh..

.. tough it out till i'm 18.. Brook is off Monday I work Monday I'm sure and so.. that'll be great lol ^^ hee hee I'll get to see him xD shit I'm hoping to go to his fucking house again damint but.. ah.. maybe I can get ashley to let me spend the night that night and oooOoO shit I'd love that and I could stay with Brook shit.. OoO I'll have to talk to my girl bout that ha ha But fucking hell! Damnit condoms.. fuck.. fuck..

yes.. there is more but ..

I'm sure you guys hate me for typing so much already.. and.. what I typed about.. and how I typed it.. and.. lol I'll stop but.. damn..

.. yep...



Ja!

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 22 July :: 1.48 am
:: Mood: fucking tired/achy
:: Music: Killers

Close the World |

:: 2004 21 July :: 2.03 pm
:: Mood: pissed/bit tired/am I hungry?/fucking ah

Buda
Everytime that goddamn phone rings I think it's gonna be Brook! I call and I know they have caller ID .. and.. I think.. because Brook sometimes picks up the phone that .. he got ahold of it when it rang and saw it was me calling that he just.. let it ring. Because someone usually picks it up. Even if it's Nathin.. he'll pick up and go 'he's not here' in a deep voice and hang up. Or 'he's at work' and hang up .. I mean.. he won't just let it ring. And.. Brook man I don't know if he isn't talking to me or if he thinks I'm gonna yell at him or bitch him out.. because you know I really want to and shit but... no on the phone. Because all he has to do.. is press a button and I'm gone, he doesn't have to hear me no more. And that ain't fucking fair, exspecicaly if I ain't explaining something well and he has the wrong impression of it. So.. argh.. ::sighs:: fuck man. I'm just, I'm tried of this shit. I .. have been keeping the goddamn phone with me next to my bed on my damn pillow when he don't call! And.. I just.. I don't know what I did...
I called Anthony this morning.. and asked him if he would call Brook's house and tell him to call me. And he said he couldn't that he was busy right then and had to go and fucking shit man he couldn't make a damn phone call? How long would that of taken? He asked if he could do it later and I said just forget about it because he'll be at work. And he said he'd just stop by work and tell Brook since they was driving through bulldog town and I was like just forget it he doesn't work till 3 (it's like 11 o'clock now) and He's like 'oh, well on our way back I'll stop by his work and tell him to call you' and I was like 'ok whatever, bye' click click yea.. then because last night I called Autum like at friggin ah like 1:40 something I fall asleep because she didn't pick up and frickin called me back at like 2:20 something? Friggin 40 minutes later and I'm thinking it's Brook and I'm just crushed when I hear her voice. But anyway she said she hadn't talked to 'that bastard' (and I quote) yet and that he was at Richards house. And I was like 'oh really who the fuck is that' and she said some guy with an ugly ass girlfriend and I was like 'oh so he's getting fucked up over there' and she's like 'naw they don't drink over there. They just always are like watching a movie and shit' and I was like 'oh well I didn't know about this man' Man I was pissed off fuck man.. damn.. damn.. God.. That's really fucked up. So anyway her show comes on some fucking moive on TLC or something damn retard watching shit like that lol and she was like 'yo I'll talk to you later my shows on man yea' and I was like wtf man lol and she all told me to call her when I woke up so I'm like yea ok ok and going ta sleep right. So.. this morning some roofer guys are doing a roof just across the ally so it's fucking waking me up and it's hard to sleep through it so yea.. it's fucking ya'know 11 and my mom had another appointment and is getting another tooth pulled today and I'm getting an appointment too because my teeth are fucked up and I think on the inside of my teeth, my back teeth, there are cavities and shit so.. yea.. I'm not exactly looking forward to it but I am? Yea. Like 5 teeth xD ha ha. But yea, they gone, my brother is home so I call work and tell them I took the ice key home again and she is all cool with it bring it by later today if ya can N all and I was like yea yea that's cool and then I called Anton and then I was like 'you know what? I'll call Autum' so I dial her up and she's fucking passed out man. She asleep and I was just like 'can you call Brook and tell him to call me because I think because of their caller ID that they ain't picking up because they know it's me' and she's like 'how about I go back to sleep and when I wake up I'll call him, does that sound fair?' Fuck no lmao damn man.. fucking hell I'm screwed. I can't count on NO ONE. Damn, .. not even anton.. I mean.. damn.. what the fuck would it of been to him? Huh? So anyway she fucking hangs up and I'm just in fucking bed going omg wtf this is messed up. So yea.. so I get up.. like around late 12 because I listened to my Killers CD and shit and grab the other half of my muffin that I started on yesterday and poured me a glass of Fruit Punch and sat down at the computer and read a converstaion I had with Jahreee yesterday over again while I ate, letting time pass thinking I'd call Brook like around 2 but I just couldn't wait that long.. so yea.. so now I'm typing a journal entry in a fucking word document.. giving Brook once again chances to call me. And does the phone ring? Only for my brother and someone asking me if I have the icekey When I had already called and told them I did and then blah blah this morning those stuipd church people came up agan damnit for what the thrid time? Shit man that's gay. So I was like so pissed to see them, thinking once again 'oh look, Brook was in my town and decided to stop by' and the fuck it's an old black lady and some skinny tall ass used to be queer turned straight for god looking dude piss ass freak and I just woke up my hair is up all over the place, wearing some short ass lime green shorts and friggin I'm sure I'm looking high and shit and they have NEVER taken the time to say hi what the fuck is up with you to me when they just want my parents and I was just like laughing when I saw them I was like 'ain't no one home, mom going to get her tooth pulled' and she turned to walk down the stairs and then turned and looked back at me 'so I guess your father isn't home either?' and I was like fricking cracking up I was like 'NO' Damn man leave us the fuck alone. Man.. I do just fucking complain.. oh well atleast I can get it out.. this is really my only way of getting it out so fuck you Hiei. My journal so fuck you. I'm just fucking pissed off right now. Damnit. I want.. to get ahold of .. Brook .. I want to go to Brook. Damn.. I mean.. .. ah.. fuck..

... shit man..



There you fucking go now I'm gonna go make me a burrito because I'm hungry and I'm gonna milt a slice of cheese ontop of that so yea yea..
..


....

Close the World |

:: 2004 20 July :: 9.35 pm
:: Mood: bit tired/fine/whatever

buda
Man.. fucking Jonathin.. fuck man.. shit.. him and me were at it today.. flirt flirt flirt and I fucking flirted back.
Haven't heard from Brook. Just a while ago I called his work and they said he left so I called his house and they said he was at work so i'm like Fuck it .. then tried to get ahold of Autum cause I thought she would know where to find him and she ain't picking up so I'm fucking screwed.. but I really did have fun at work today.. damnit.. Jon keeps saying.. I have a need because I'm a woman.. and fuck.. it's beginning to get to me. I just want Brook damnit.

Fucking shit man I asked him to cook me something and he said he loves waiting on me and that I was getting skinny.. that I needed to eat.. man.. for someone to notice.. damn... I am skinnier.. ^^ I like it but I know it's wrong xD ha ha but man was I munchin at work! I mean.. just brook not talking to me and jon with all his compliments and hungry eyes I don't know what it is about jon but he makes me feel so good. Him and his charm I guess. But man I had like 2 chicken strips and then some roast beef and then more chicken strips and Jon made me take 3 chicken strips home and some more roast beef so i'll be munching on that here in a bit lol. It's just.. I'm not hungry but.. when I eat it's not making me sick so I need to eat as much as I can untill I feel sick. .. I just.. don't know what is up.

Mom let me drive home lol it was fucking fun! She said I was a good driver and I don't think I went fast.. maybe just a bit over 50 mph but that's all.

But back to work man.. he was all saying he wants to eat me out and I mean I was like whoa but.. we had a talk and I admited it was just a game to me and he said 'you just teasing' and I was like yea.. i just.. wanted to see how far you'd go and man I'll tell ya he fucking cracked up and was like 'buda! ' and was all on me hand on the inside of my thigh and on my back and was just leaning on me 'how fucking far did you think i wanted to go? want to go?' lol and i was cracking up cause i do enjoy teasing him.. and.. his compliments. XD fucking bastard was asking me if I ever had an orgasim and fucking shit and asking me if I wanted to know and.. fucking was like.. saying something about bringing myself to one xD fucking masturbation and I was like 'what the fuck man shut the hell up you fucking pervert!' and he was like 'oh come'on don't tell me you dont' do that yet' and i was like XD omg omg lmao he was being a fucking perv man! I was using every chance I got to touch him.. shoulders.. whatever.. and.. it's low.. real low.. but.. .. i just.. ca'nt help it.. god.. it's so wrong.. and now i have a boy.. and.. ah.. but fuck man.. it's just.. jon was saying it was so hard to work with me and he said 'i think you are wearing my favorite jeans' and then he was like' tis' just something about your face and those jeans today you are frickin hott damn sexy' and it's just, he showers me with compliments and when he is doing something and i walk by he'll just stop and watch me walk and just nod and his eyes rearly are locked with mine his are always fucking to my jeans or my shirt -.-' and.. it's .. brook.. has never.. never.. giving me a compliment.. jon was saying i have beauitful eyes and.. i was like shut the fuck up but.. ah..

.. there was so much.. fucking.. ah.. just jon.. he is a cool friend and he was all like 'come to my place tonight' and just.. this and that and sex sex sex but.. I do'nt mind it..
.. not anymore.. and.. just.. ah.. i wanted to kiss him.. and.. ah.. fucking shit damnit where is brook.. why is.. he avoiding me.. damnit.. ij ust.. i want him i want to see him why.. is he .. like this? i cant' understand it i just think he is alone and thinks i'm mad at him for something and i just want to see him damnit.. just want to be held by him.. to feel him.. taste him.. fucking.. ah.. damnit... i want him.. i have a lust now.. and it's growing stronger day after day minute after minute.. .. i want brook.. and he's no where to be found.. and then.. there is jon.. and.. .. ah.. it's worng.. and i'm confused.. jon listens.. and.. ah..

.. he is cool.. he really is..


.. brook.. .. damnit.. i can't screwthings up with my parents anymore..

this is fucking crazy.


dad is eating my roast beef and i'm eating my chick strips..

thinking of brook.. and.. my heart is pounding.. just thinking of him and me being in a dark room together..

.. damnit.. yes i know sappy fucking shit blah blah fuck you damnit it's how i feel.. ..


.. .. damn.. damn


my sister wanted to hang today from 5 to like 10 or something and i said i had to work and she is only off on tuesdays so that's fucked up..

.. but yea.


.. brook..



..

::sigh::

Close the World |

:: 2004 19 July :: 9.44 pm
:: Mood: fine/tired/confused/tired

buda
Just converstations

I think I remember this from before....but still, I may be wrong but aren't your feelings for Brook wavering?
BudaFalL87: Yea...
I'm sorry to hear that in a way...its not the end of the world, for you....but I suppose he's another story?
BudaFalL87: I dont' know how it is..
He does seem crazy for you...just his usual lifestyle gets in the way
BudaFalL87: .. just today.. i .. was picked up by autum.. and.. went to his work.. since i didn't talk to him today.. and he wouldn't.. look at me.. at all.. like he was mad for me going there..
BudaFalL87: and.. autum left and was gonna pick me up in 5 minutes and.. he came out to talk.. but he said he was working and didn't takl.. just i'm in hte zone i'm working yada yada working working.. and.. i'll see you later i'm working.. went back int he back.. no hug no nothing.. .. and.. i.. was speachless.. and.. what was i expecting?
BudaFalL87: and.. i sat and waited.. and then.. went to .. her firends out.. and these people are weed people stoners right and.. i didn't care i just..w atned to stay to be enar brook.. even though he wasn't even talking to me..and.. this girl was 12 and looked my age if not older and that is just wrong.. had a boyfriend like older then me and way fuckign hott but.. just how vilent they were and.. loud music no adults just a bunch of kids and slutly looking girls and smoking weed pipes shit and i was just there
BudaFalL87: watching korn music videos.. thinking.. that.. is this what brook does.. ..a nd .. i didn't want to be around that.. around vilence.. around girls who are so stupid.. around stupidness. .. pointlessness.. and.. i was.. just.. i just.. didn't care.. i don't care.. i can't care.. i'm so lost guy i'm talking to.. i have no one to lean on.. i feel so alone but then i realize i haven't tired to .. make friends.. but then i dont' have any and the ones i do.. they woldn't care they are in a wrose boat then i with their
BudaFalL87: parents and being caged in.. .. it's just.. i don't know what to do.. and .. i think it was you who said just to be content till i'm 18.. and.. just like me wanting to go to az.. it looks like i'm all set and have to stop and come to realize it ai'nt happening.. and i think i have to realize shit ain't happening till i am 18 and maybe just maybe i can get more slack with my parents.. thats about the best i can do i'm sure (and they were saying this guys cuz was getting death for killing someone and how he was stupid because they all know how to hide the bodies and talking about bloods and the gang problems and how the guy was gonna kill this dudes grandma so they had to kill him before he could kill them and it's.. just fucked up stupid crazyness)
*thinks*
BudaFalL87: ... ::sighs::
Thats a lot to take in at once
But I can see where your frustration sets in
Brook probably always hangs with the same people and he sees no problem in it....and about him not talking to you, I have no clue other than maybe he has an issue that he hasn't worked out yet in his mind
With the whole friend thing, I'm not sure about that but from what I can tell you live in a nowhere town (no offense.) So do I and the people I do know from around here I fucking hate...they're all fuckin preps and jocks....my best friend lives 25 miles away and most other friends of mine live just as far...you always have me tho
BudaFalL87: Ha .. thanks.. but it doesn't mean much no offense when you are just on the computer and half the time aren't on
BudaFalL87: And it's stoners and sluts out here that's all or either just plain out outkast nobodies who are bookworms and are into killing things and evilness and stupid shit just to make the popular people leave them alone (talking about sandra, amanda, and martika)
I know I'm never on but still
BudaFalL87: ... .. .. damn you make it hard.
You have friends you know from when you go to "DDR town"
BudaFalL87: But it doesn't really mean they are friends. Just people I see.. and when I see them it's just in that small small room while my dad is outside on a damn bench
BudaFalL87: It's not really the same.
BudaFalL87: If you're talking about Luis and Ashley.. then.. ah..
(I'm just talking in general, but continue)
BudaFalL87: They are friends.. but.. they have their own life and I don't fit into it.. i never have been able to
BudaFalL87: ::sigh::
BudaFalL87: :;munches on bellpeppers from chinese food::



But yes... and then there was another

I don't like that guy.
That one with a girls name.
BudaFalL87: .. Brook..
Yea.
Dump him.
BudaFalL87: Because he's like you?
No way.
BudaFalL87: ... the drinking... isn't that right?
BudaFalL87: Why dont' you like him? He needs me.. that's the only reason why I am still with him.
Look, Kurama just says what people want to hear. It doesn't make it right.
BudaFalL87: Cha
He'll just drag you down with him.
BudaFalL87: ... so I think...
There's no reason to stay with him just because he needs help.
BudaFalL87: Why not?
He can get help from a friend just as well as a girlfriend.
BudaFalL87: ... what if he doesn't have a friend like me?
You can be that friend!
BudaFalL87: ... Fucked up retard guy i'm talking to.
BudaFalL87: I am that friend.
BudaFalL87: ... .. it's.. an odd relationship.
Sure.
my friend that you also talk to said if I talked to you about it you'd just try to prove me wrong. He was right.
BudaFalL87: ... go on then.
BudaFalL87: I want to hear your view of things.. i always do guy i'm talking to. But you let what I say get to you and you stop.. don't stop.. go on. I want to hear it dispite what I've said or whatever. Just go on I want to hear you.
I already told you.
Get rid of him.
BudaFalL87: Why?
BudaFalL87: Because he'll drag me down with him. What else?
He's way older.
BudaFalL87: 4 y ears
Get a guy your own age for once.
BudaFalL87: Fuck them. They are stupid and do'nt think of life.
Would it be normal for me to date a 13 year old?
No.. I think not.
BudaFalL87: But I'm not 13 guy i'm talking to.
It still doesn't make it right.
If 4 years isn't a lot, then the guys your age don't have that far to go.
BudaFalL87: Age isn't a factor here. It's how he is.. how he acts.. it's who he is.. Luis is 14 and he is way more mature then the guys my age. It depends on their mind set.
BudaFalL87: Now if he was like 6 or 7 years older then me then I'd say back off.. but.. 4 isn't a big deal. Drop it and what else is why you dont' like him?
He drinks.
BudaFalL87: Like you what else?
BudaFalL87: ... .. but I realize.. that the drinking.. and .. weed.. is .. getting out of.. hand..
I don't do drugs.
He does..
BudaFalL87: I think so.. if he has no reason why to do it.. then.. he is just waisting his life..
BudaFalL87: (i didn't mean you do drugs)
And waisting yours.
BudaFalL87: ... .. I have nothign better to do guy i'm talking to.. i'm stuck here.. doing nothing
BudaFalL87: And I see.. how he hurts.. how much he wants to change.. and..
He's going to do something to make you drop him on the spot, and then you'll notice how much time you've waisted on him.
He doesn't want to change.
If he wanted to change he would.
BudaFalL87: I just can't leave him.. he said he was in love with bethany.. how stupid.. if she idnd't know how bad off he was.. and if she didnt' tell him everything.. how could they of been in love? he deson't know true love.. i want to make him realize that he should'nt of loved someone like her
BudaFalL87: ...
BudaFalL87: .. I just.. can't bring myself to.. but.. I think.. you are right
Damn straight.
BudaFalL87: I think he's been getting mad at me for trying to change him.. I'm not.. .. well.. I guess I really am trying to change him.
And that's all.
Are you trying to get closer?
BudaFalL87: He said he wouldn't change for bethnay andn wouldn't for me
Are you trying to connect?
BudaFalL87: ... yes..
Well cut it out.
BudaFalL87: ...
I use to think I wanted to change
But really, I didn't. I kept doing what I was doing, I could have stopped anytime.
BudaFalL87: ....
There's no point waisting your teenaged years for a guy who waisted his own!
He's already almost a full adult, you still have time to change yourself, his ended.
BudaFalL87: ... ..
-cough-
BudaFalL87: ... I understand that.. I just.. want him to see how I see things... .. I just.. don't understand..
He's been there and he's seen it.
He was once your age.
BudaFalL87: ....
What kind of man needs a young girl to help him?
That's no man at all.
BudaFalL87: ... Young.. you asshole gitt.
You are young!
BudaFalL87: ...
BudaFalL87: so fucking what..
I'm young too.
BudaFalL87: ...
We don't know everything.
BudaFalL87: ah... just go on keep talking before i say somethign to piss you off
We can't fix everything.
Don't you hear adults say: "I hate when kids act like they know everything"?
Well there's probably things you still don't know about that guy.
BudaFalL87: I realize I don't know everything and don't have exprence gitt (guy i'm talking to get it g.i.t.t. not gitt you dip)
BudaFalL87: I know I don't know about him... I know...
Then put yourself in his shoes.
How would you like it..
BudaFalL87: ...
If you were dating a 16 year old kid.
BudaFalL87: ...
You do drugs, you drink..
and your chick is kid.
BudaFalL87: I see now.. I've never.. really sat down and thought about how it was for him..
Yea, he probably looks desperate.
Especially because he's a stoner.
BudaFalL87: That's not it..
How do you know for sure?
Why doesn't he go with someone his own age?
Have you asked him?
BudaFalL87: The girls his age are all whores around where he lives that is why
BudaFalL87: That town and this town
And the older women don't want anything to do with someone who's going no where.
BudaFalL87: ... I .. never thought about that..
Well now you can.
BudaFalL87: ...
If he was happy, he wouldn't need drugs and booze.
BudaFalL87: I'm not happy you dont' see me drinking gitt
BudaFalL87: You fucking know I"m not goddamn happy.. you dont' see me like you and him
Don't compare me to him.
BudaFalL87: I'm compairing myself to both of you
Well quit it.
BudaFalL87: Why?
Because I'm not like that.
BudaFalL87: You drink because you are happy then?
I drank, notice the past tense, because I was un-happy.
With a life like man then, who wouldn't have been?
It was mostly because kids around me did it, and that's why I did it.
I knew it was wrong but they seemed like good people.
BudaFalL87: Cha
That's how I got addicted.
BudaFalL87: Alright
But this isn't about me.
BudaFalL87: I know ...
BudaFalL87: He started smoking because his mother did and taught him and he did'nt drink untill like 6 months before his mother died..
You can't help someone like that.
BudaFalL87: .. .. and.. everyone continously tells him as long as he has fun don't worrie about it..
BudaFalL87: :sigh::.. i know.. but.. i just.. can't do nothing about it
Only ones self can save him.
No one else can do that.
BudaFalL87: ... I .. know..
BudaFalL87: I just want to be that person to make him reailze that
He doesn't want to.
Does he want to be saved?
BudaFalL87: ...
Is he trying to save himself?
BudaFalL87: ...
No, he wants someone else to do it for him.
BudaFalL87: I know.. I know he needs someone ..
BudaFalL87: .. and it's just me being used.. but..
forget him!
He lost his mom, so what? That doesn't mean he needs someone.
He needs a fist to the face,
.*
BudaFalL87: ...
I lost my mom, so feel bad for me and except me for who I am. A stoner,
.*
He should care about what he has and quit for that.
BudaFalL87: ::sighs::
Not for himself.
BudaFalL87: ..
If he cares about you, he'll quit.
BudaFalL87: ::sighs::
BudaFalL87: And the drinking? And partying? And going with the flow? What about all that? Make him into a lifeless vegetable?
What?
BudaFalL87: ... What do you mean what? Did you not recieve that?
-shrugs-
I don't get it.
BudaFalL87: I mean, ok take away the drinking, the drugs, and what does he have left to do?
BudaFalL87: Nothing. Be bored as hell and going out of his mind like me..
How about.. going to work.
Getting a full time job.
BudaFalL87: Why would he want to stop? For a 16 year old girl who he should'nt be seeing? Who is still in school for another 3 years?
BudaFalL87: :;sighs::
BudaFalL87: full time huh? so that can drive him nuts and he can be by himself with his job and thats all?
Why isn't he in college?
Too busy partying to pass high school?
BudaFalL87: He passed and is waiting for soem grants or soemthing. He wants to go but it's in dallas, another state.. he is waiting on me so he says.. but before he was waiting for bethany now i think he just doesn't even care anymore
What do you think it's like being grown up?
BudaFalL87: what
You have a job, your home, and usually a date.
Then you get married.
That's all your life revolves around as a normal adult.
BudaFalL87: ...
Sometimes you hang out with friends but usually it's all about family.
Especially if you have kids.
You can't party all through life.
Maybe once a week.
Once you get old enough you'll realize somethings are just more importent.
BudaFalL87: .. what are you talking about?
BudaFalL87: Cha
BudaFalL87: .. I get you gitt.. I get what you're saying
Good.
BudaFalL87: I don't want to marry him I dont' want a family i want school and money and japan and the world and .. just.. education..
Greedy.
That's what I want too.
I don't want kids, I want all my money to be mine.
I want to do things for myself.
BudaFalL87: ... :;sighs::
But when you meet the right person it will all change.
BudaFalL87: I know.. so you are saying that since I am not that person to him do drop him and stop waisting my time?
Yes.
Have fun!
: Have fun while you can.
BudaFalL87: ... I can't have fun.
BudaFalL87: I CAN NOT HAVE FUN!
BudaFalL87: WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU UDNERSTAND THAT WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!
BudaFalL87: I can't have fun staying here. It's impossible. I'm stuck here with my parents doing nothing day after day after god fucking day
BudaFalL87: the only times i'm away is at chuch, work, and work.. just work.. thats' it..
BudaFalL87: I .. I can't do this anymore..
When schools starts up again it will be better.
BudaFalL87: ... no.. it won't be.. it'll be school, work, church.. nothing'll change. exspically if i have to stay here
BudaFalL87: I'm not used to having something be the same for more then 2 years.. it's just.. i've been raised moving around.. you can't just cage up something that moves around alot.. i can't take it its' not me anymore
Why do you have to be so pessimistic about EVERYTHING?
BudaFalL87: I need new surroundings.. i can't deal with same old shit everyday
BudaFalL87: pessimistic?
You always think the worst for everything.
You need to get optimistic.
You're thinking about getting an apartment right?
BudaFalL87: ... yea
Then go for it.
BudaFalL87: MY PARENTS WOULD FLIP!
BudaFalL87: How could I get an apartment when I don't have transportion?
BudaFalL87: transportation?*
See.
The worst for everything.
BudaFalL87: GITT!
What?
BudaFalL87: What do you expect me to do! How?
Don't plan on getting an apartment if your parents won't let you.
BudaFalL87: ... ::sigh::
BudaFalL87: You just told me to get it
BudaFalL87: If i even brought it up with them they'd flip.
I didn't know your parents didn't know about it.
BudaFalL87: ... .. well they don't. They'd think.. they just .. would make me quit my job.. no phone calls , say fuck to brook no more brook no more nothing.. i'm sure .. they'd.. just.. go crazy and stress out and think i'm gonna run away and just.. fucking kick me in the ass out the door to police or something
Well the no more Brook part is good.
What about me?
All I do is work, sit at home, and do kendo.
It's not very fun but I enjoy it.
BudaFalL87: bleeped for protection of dude i'm talking to
Not when you sit in your room.
You get cash so spend it on anime and manga!
BudaFalL87: ... what am i supposed to do?
BudaFalL87: I dont' buy that shit anuymore
-shrugs-
Difference between you and me.
BudaFalL87: just manga now and then and i can't even buy it and have fun because my parents take me and make me hurry hurry and i am always by myself with them and it's just me being alone
BudaFalL87: ... fine whatever
You complain too much!
BudaFalL87: GRRR!
Just be happy you have parents.
Be happy your not out on the streets
Be happy you're not brook!
BudaFalL87: I am damnit that's why I don't.. run around. I stay at home becaues it stresses them out but fuck it i say now
BudaFalL87: ...
BudaFalL87: ::sigh::
This is why I can't stand teenagers.
BudaFalL87: .. fuck you
All they want to do is go out and sit around with some friends.
BudaFalL87: better then sitting by youself sometimes
BudaFalL87: atleast they can go and do that.. i can't even do that
BudaFalL87: can't just go to them.. must have a reason..
BudaFalL87: well fuck it damnit i just want to do what i want when i want to.. to have that freedom.. and i dont' have it
You're in the land of the free. I don't see why you don't have it.
place I live isn't much different.
BudaFalL87: I know it is! That's why you are forced to be content with what you have. I DONT' HAVE TO BE!(as i can now tell i read what he typed wrongly >.>') I want more always more and I want out.. damnit
Everyone wants more, but you can't always get what you want.
You can be a millionaire and you still want more.
BudaFalL87: I'm begining to see this and wont have it
BudaFalL87: I know.. but I won't be content till I make an ass out of myself on my own, make my own mistakes instead of being held back and caged up so I won't make any.
Then go ahead and ask your parents about the apartment,
.*
BudaFalL87: It'll piss em off
So?
BudaFalL87: who will you live with? why do you want to go? how will you get around? your job doesn't pay enough
BudaFalL87: I already know how they'll react.. I need.. to get all my shit straight first.. ah fuck I dont' know i'm lazy and just complain fuck it fuck me
-shrugs-
BudaFalL87: ...
BudaFalL87: You have to keep talking, gitt. I need you to keep talking. Please.. don't stop.
BudaFalL87: I've been going .. crazy not having anyone to talk to.. that's why I started talking to luis..
I'm tired of talking.


And yep fuck you too dude.. ah.. but anyway..

..that.. is pretty much all that's happened.. .. notice how I use pretty much loosely..



...


::sighs::

Close the World |

:: 2004 18 July :: 10.59 pm
:: Mood: tired/confused
:: Music: The Killers

Close the World |

:: 2004 17 July :: 12.17 pm
:: Mood: upset/confused/confused

buda
Well, I didn't exactly have a talk with my parents but.. I told mom let me go to the mall with Luis for 2 hours, drop me off there with him.. and.. since I dont' want to go to mrs browns and sis is going to a baby shower and mom doesn't want me there by myself but.. she said 'fuck it! i wash my hands of you! do whatever the hell you want to! i dont care anymore!' and.. there is more.. but.. atleast I get to go now.. thing is.. I can't get ahold of him.. how great.

Mom said I can't be trusted... my record isn't clean

_________________
2:05 AM


Wow, staying up this early/late is just fucking habbit now. But I need to get to bed since I work at 10 in the morning and need to get up at probably 8:14 or something.

When to the Brown's with my parents called Luis and talked to him on the phone untill my sister came to pick me up and Kylee was an ass. Ok get this. We was outside playing with chalk and I had the phone with me and sis called to say she was on her way to pick me up to take me to the mall (Luis met us there, his mom took him) Anyway, Kylee knocked the chalk all down the front porch stairs so I put her inside while I was cleaning it up because she was being a bitch and I was on the phone with sis and Kylee was 'buda! buda!' smushed to the glass door wanting out and the little devil locked me out >_< I was so lucky that she unlocked it xD omg I was so scared! But yes.
At Brown's I told Luis that.. well what my mother said.. and he said it was good we had a talk and I told him it really wasn't a talk and he said 'ok you yelling back and forth and you pissing them off' but.. .. oh.. this was important.. In the truck ride to town.. to Brown's.. mom said.. to me.. 'look.. I want you to know this.. and I don't want to turn this into a big converstation so don't get mad but i just want you to understand this.. ' and I nodded and agreed not to make a load of conversation out of whatever stupid shit mom was about to say and she went on 'i just want you to know that your father and i can see that you are mad, angry upset, depressed.. and.. it hurts us to see you this way' and I was just like.. slowly nodding.. i'm.. happy that she said that and impressed but.. then.. you know.. if they just now realize it.. and don't know what's wrong.. then.. should'nt they.. be trying to help me? .. maybe they just don't know how? Or know how and refuse to do so? I have no clue.

Mall closes at 9 and sis was home at eight.. umm.. like.. after eight. We got at the mall like 10 minutes before it closed, and stores were already closing inside it. Went to Waldens where me and luis said we'd met and got the demon ororon vol. 3 (ended up reading it at browns for like more then an hour) And.. he is just so cute and got a hair cut and looks like Ricky off of my so called life on the N ^^ cute!
Anyway. We didn't really talk. There were alot of people.. alot of thugns.. wanna be gangsta's and shit.. so.. it looked like he was edgy.. went to the arcade right outside the movie's and.. there were people in line for the movies and shit and we was waiting for DDR and people were on it sis was chasing kylee around and .. luis started to read hellsing volume three and then amy from work showed up with her boyfriend daniel and then david daniel's brother was there so we just started talking and luis said he was kinda bi.. because he thinks guys are cute but has a girlfriend so he wont' try anything and i can respect that and he thinks daniel is ok lol he like's his eyebrow ring for sure! Well i sweetalked to these guys and they let me and luis cut infront of him (he was kinda gothicy guy.. kinda..) and so we played and left after one game. Dang i am rusty but poor luis lol i don't like slow songs XD but i guess he is only good at slow ones or soemthing >_< but anyway
sis droped me off at browns and yada yada yeah home and no calls. Found out brook is working tonight from amy and amy said that after work brook said he might swing by her house to pick em up and take em to the pow wow.. .. for some reason i am really missing brook.. i wanted to call him so so badly.. but.. i refuse.. and i will give him his space.. damnit.. i don't know.

This morning.. I went through me head.. everything that.. I can fill brook in on.. i mean everything.. from little to small from all kinds of memories I could remember.. everything.. about my parents health.. and how i lived.. and this and that and.. . .. It's just.. i'm ready .. for him.. just.. willing.. I dont' know.. but.. I just.. with my parents.. I dont' know how much longer i can stay like this..

I haven't heard from ashely, luis is supposed to be calling, and brook.. who knows.

OH at work.. I sat in his lap and everyone was like 'dang' lol and he's like 'com'on girl get back to work 'and stood up but held onto me and yea.. I don't know.. ...

.. but yes.. i miss him..

.. and.. when i said.. i was ready for him.. I ment it.. I dont' care if i'm being used.. i trust him.. i do..


.. when he's sober...

Close the World |

:: 2004 17 July :: 1.29 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: The Killers-On Top

Close the World |

:: 2004 16 July :: 11.52 pm
:: Mood: fine/tired
:: Music: The Killers-On Top

Close the World |

:: 2004 15 July :: 2.29 am
:: Mood: fine/tired/big pissed
:: Music: The Killers-On Top

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 13 July :: 4.19 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: The Killers CD

3 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 12 July :: 9.49 am
:: Mood: just woke up still tired

buda
Well, woke up and had to get that shit off my teeth because I was swallowing some of it and it was annoying that's why I'm up THIS early -_-

Brook .. ah ok I got on the internet at 11:22 and he called at 11:4x something damnit.. ah.. I missed his call in other words and he didn't call back.. well he might of because my dad got on the internet for a while but then he didn't leave a message if he did call. He probably went to bed but I don't know. so yea...didn't talk to him last night.. ah.. my stomach is hurting.. I hate waking up damnit...

.. ah.. mom is supposed to take me into town.. she is having a bad tooth ache and is gonna make an appointment.. I don't know how we are gonna pay for it but she needs it pulled and my teeth keep getting worse.. ah.. oh well.. I want those $70 Addias shoes but.. I'll only have $60 and I think I'm gonna go buy.. like .. a pair of jeans and a shirt or something.. heh heh maybe a thong since me mommy is gonna take me.. well.. I think I'm about to get off and call luis and see if he wants to go to the mall.. well toodles.

___________
1:13 AM

Well, I'm gonna go ahead and get off because mom got that tooth pulled today and wants me to rub her legs.
I got Brook in a shit load of trouble with asking him to buy Anton some cigerates because his boss was on the same line listening.. but anyway I don't know if Brook'll call and Ashley is supposed to spend the night tomorrow. I have been hyper all day. Work was slow and I made like $17 in tips and my pay check was like $46 so happy happy joy joy and I had $20 so yea.. add it up folks I had $80 with me.. .. .. .. ok don't add that up but I did have $80 with me.. .. .. huh.. ::shrugs::

Charles is so cute. He worked today.. umm anyway went through the drive thru at gasmart so I could see brook.. he was cute.. but.. I could tell he was high and didn't want my dad to notice.. well he wasn't high but.. he had been smoking.. and it looked like he was mad at me.. .. went into town after that.. .. went crazy and spent all my money at wal mart just buying a bunch of shit we don't need lol and i got me a thong XD ha ha it's dark blue with white smilie faces all over it ^^ it's funky. Ashley's gonna take me to get my tongue pierced sometime.. in TX because you have to have your birth shit and parent here.. in TX it's a whole nother story.. but yes gotta go..

Brook is pissed at me.. ah.. I just want to see him.. like real bad.. really bad..

Been happy all day.. go with the flow.. have fun everyday.. .. makes alot of sense..

I like it

(bought The Killers too 'somebody told me' I like that song ^^ )

3 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 12 July :: 11.37 pm
:: Music: incubis-talk shows on mute

Close the World |

:: 2004 11 July :: 11.04 pm
:: Mood: tired/achy

buda
Damn.. just got back from work... this late yes.. friggin.. worked from 12 to 8 as a waitress and didn't get out till like 10:20 and the last table of 6 didn't leave until 8:30 something or later. My back is killing me.

The reason why I haven't updated in a while is because the computer.. just did'nt work. Aol is fucking sucking ass ever internet.. and it wouldn't work.. Maybe it was just the computer I don't know but it is working now and I don't know for how long.. so there.. there is your reason.

I came home from work yesterday, Friday, and I had to get up early today to go to the mall to buy me a new shirt because I only have 2 tight ones.. now I have 3 lol but anyway I wanted some sleep and.. brook.. .. just.. was like.. mad at me but I didn't know why (turns out he thought I was mad at either him or autum for saying something that she didn't say anything bad and yea you confused? so am i) but anyway I told him not to call late.. so.. I find myself playing mixmatch (tetris then dr. mario then tetris again) with mom till 1am something and at 2 o'clock I decided to call Brook at work. I told him to call me in 20 minutes since he was about to clock out.. I feel asleep and was woken up by the phone around 3 am (keep in mind that I'm getting up at 7:54 am) I hadn't eatten anything that day either except one piece of toast at work and a burito at home.. but yea.. I was tired and just.. worn out.. but .. anyway.. he calls and he is piss ass drunk.. i mean.. the worst ever.. and.. it scared me and I just didn't want to hang up on him.. but.. i just.. listened.. it was aweful.. he was.. acting so foolish.. god it was pathedic. But.. yea.. I can't talk about it because i'm tired and.. anyway.. the phone died over there and so he said he'd call me back in an hour.. it was already 4 fucking something close to five and I said 'no' and he's like '45? 30? 35? 20?' and I was like '20' I was not fucking gonna wait a fucking hour for his phone to recharge and.. I was tired.. so I waited 20 minutes and recharged our phone and he called. Almost got into a fight with Creg.. got a split lip at work when he got in a fight in the parking lot. .. um.. it was just fucked up. I talked to autum.. she seems cool.. but anyway.. it was 5 something when brook hung the phone up on me.. well he wasn't really listening to me.. and. someone said, a man's voice 'brook, it's time to go home BrOOK it's time to go HOME' it was because he was loud.. i mean really loud.. fucking sun was raising when i was going to sleep but.. I slept with the phone.. I was.. so worried about brook.. I mean.. he didn't even hang up the phone.. he pressed a button like a number and it beeped but didn't hang up and they asked 'did you hang up the phone?' 'yea yea' and he pressed another number to hang up again and yea.. set the phone down and i coudl hear them mumbling and shit and then some girls voice and then it hung up.. .. ... .. I just.. all the things that his friends said.. and.. just how he was acting.. it seemed.. like he was hurting so bad but didn't now how to stop himself.. ..

but anyway.. got up this morning friggin and went to the mall with my $27 i had from tips from friday and all the stores in the mall were closed lol so we had to wait like 10 minutes for JC penny to open, found a shirt that said tricky kitty on it with felix the cat's head on it and liked it and tired it one along with this camo tan mini shirt (just for kicks lmao i'm a pants girl) but anyway I put it aside and wanted to go to gazooks before i made my finnal decison so I went tried on a green shirt, said ick and left after mark shook me pretty hard for not buying anything from 'his' store lol anyway went back to jc after stopping by waldens to say hi to mike and yea.. yea stopped by lady footlocker too and found these addia's white shoes with red mesh on them that i fell in love with that i think were $70. I'm bout to go get them lol (we got there at like 9 something and the stores opened at 10) so yea.. bought a belt at vanity and .. got that shirt at JC changed at simions (gas station) went to work and yea.. ... yea.. but.. yea.. ah.. mind went blank there.. well to cut it short, I made $63.60 in tips today (we had fullhouse and we was busy because of a car thing today, we were right along the burn-out strip) and yea.. got paid $20 tonight too (not tonight but monday.. maybe tomorrow) and yea.. but yea man that is good but boy am i tired. Ya'know jose? my jose? like i grew up with jose that is cute and yea.. well anyway his nephew is our new dishwasher. He is only a year younger then jose and is way fucking cute and looks kinda like jose ok a lot like him but is cuter and he was all fucking stoned when he came to work lol it was awesome he didn't talk or anyting just looks like i do he seems cool lol I heard sonny said brook nimZ when i was just walking into the kitchen so I guess carlos asked about me having a BF lol ha ha ha oh his name is charles btw.. but yea.. anyway it was fun.. real fun we didn't get out till like 10:20 (did i saw that twice?) but yea.. it was awesome.. jakeeta likes me and it's cool. There is a lot of shit to do but it's ok .. anyway.. .. when we settled down after the flood like around 1-3 i used sonny's cell and went outside and called brook before he went to work around 2:30 ... i didn't know what to say to him.. i asked him if he remembered last night and he said he did and i asked him what happened .. and he told me.. .. ah.. i could tell he wasn't happy but. he didn't apologize.. but.. i told him that there were people comming so i had to go and he said ok get back to work and.. I .. was quite and said.. 'i miss you' and he said he missed me too.. i really do miss him.. but.. anyway.. i need to get off damnit.. but umm.. I told him argh i asked if he would call and he said around 2 and I said no and he said 1 and i said no and he said 12? and I said no and he's like 10-11? and I said yea but not after and then.. i was all at fucking work got home had just missed his call and knew it would happen like that start 69nd and he was at work and he is going into DDr town to work on cars so he won't be home till i don't know and he said he'd call if he wasn't busy and i said dont' call after 12 and fuck i'm up and. fuck.. fuck.. damnit.. i juts.. want him.. to myself.. .. just help him damnit.. damnit..

... god.. it was aweful haven't to listen to all that lastnight.. i mean i was in tears when he hung up..

... but.. i want to get off.. it's 11:30 now..

.. Broook fuck.. damnit.. he ain't gonna call.. i know he won't.. shit.. he said he woudl'nt get messed up since he is working.. but.. .. what he thinks is messed up and totally different then what i think..

.. alot happened today and.. it was fun.. a rush.. not really a rush it was just fucking phone.. i do enjoy things i do.. whatever it is.. from shitting to picking a goddamn dirty napkin off a plate.. i like this life.. i like earth.. i dont' care for heaven right now..

Someone asked me what my favorite fruite was.. I said plums or grapes.. he picked grapes for me and this is what it said: BLACK GRAPES
You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cool down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life, you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal and zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!

.. Yea.. .. ..

Can ya just tell me for now?
BudaFalL87: ... naw.. nevermind
BudaFalL87: He called me piss ass drunk this morning at 3 o'clock.. i mean.. it was aweful how he was acting.. i couldn't believe it.. it just seemed he was hurting so bad but didn't know how to stop.. didn't know how.. or what to do
Ohh, I see.
BudaFalL87: ... do you?
Sure, ya just told me..but think about it for a moment, he was drunk..your senses are messed up when your drunk..you either become depressed..enraged..or overly joyed..
IF he was drunk and sad..nothing to worry about..best just forget it and scold the hell out of him for being drunk..
BudaFalL87: ...
Sorry if that sounded a bit mean..but.hell..he was drunk...the only thing you should be worrying about is him ruining his own body before he is in his thirties. By that time he's about digging his own grave.
BudaFalL87: ..... fuck..
BudaFalL87: ur right.. thanks
Hm, welcome, it's just I noticed how often you say he's been calling you when he's high or drunk..and it's a bit often..and what im seeing is a good guy..but a lack of control. He listens to you, talk to him. Before you give your life to be with him consider the fact of the drinking and smoking, changing that could make things better for the both of you..him physcially..you mentally..your worked up about him being so miserable, he's partly miserable because of being drunk and high all the time.
BudaFalL87: ... god.. you are awesome ya'know that? Full of yourself I bet -.-' but not really ^^ u are different .. cool.. thanks
Full of myself..if you mean I hold myself in any high asteem you're right..im no different from any one else, just watch closely and think of the situation and examine it then think up a good conclusion or some thing that fits, and for this that's what I got, I just wanna make sure none of my friends get their lives ruined.

.. dudes pretty awesome huh? Some good advice comes from him.. .. dang..

.. shit look at the time! Gotta go gotta go!


... love and peace!

fuck you world lol


Ja ne!

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 8 July :: 12.44 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Rasmus- Guilty

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 7 July :: 8.53 pm
:: Mood: fine/cold and tired
:: Music: Linkin Park -Throw it all away?

Close the World |

:: 2004 6 July :: 1.37 pm
:: Mood: cold/cramps/kinda tired

buda
Well, I was gonna update yesterday when I got back from fishing but.. I was just too tired. But... ::smirks:: I enjoyed last night.. damn.. damn .. lmao.. I'm no help to this relationship, I can't get my shit straight!

Picked him up and he was all smiling and shit saying he was rolling one and was bout to smoke it just as we got there so yea! We got there on time! Lol, I did not want him high lol though he acts the same he won't taste the same ^^' We went to that other lake and there is this dam and a real path across it that has concrete sides so you can't fall and yea but it was a crazy one. Turns out that is the dam Brook and Creg and Vernen went down >_< and he said they hang glided off from one of those mountians (big hill) into the lake xD umm sure ok.
Anyway Brook was jumping up on the dam and stuff and scaring the shit out of me! >_< grrrr damn asswipe! But we crossed and parents went fishing and I put my pole down and climbed a huge rock with brook and then I got in trouble for leaving my pole on the ground (reel was $40 or something) and so I took it and we moved and then i put it down and went off with Brook (still close to my parents) brook was just running off and jumping everywhere! Hyper little guy! Dang. But dad needed a worm and hook because he lost his and so he took mine off my pole since I wasn't fishing and dad babysat my pole while I had permission to go with Brook walking around untill dark. That's what we did.
Brook being a few yards infront of me, saying I would'nt make it.. little butt.. anyway we climbed up this little hill and beyond it was a much bigger hill with guys on top of it and brook said I woudln't be able to make it up there -_- so mean. But yea.. I was sitting down and.. I hadn't gotten a hug or nothing from brook and we was way away from my parents! Still in ear distance though. .. but yea.. I was sitting on a rock and mom yelled for us to come back and he got up and i stayed down and he's like' what?' and came up to me, like he always does, just walks up to me while I'm sitting down making me really little and grabbed my hands and leaned onto me making me fall back some and yea.. then let go and sat next to me and pecked me on the lips and then blah we went back. He gave me a piggy back ride some of the way.. I was a little hestitant to get on because I thought he would run and jump and scare the shit out of me. (oh he was also pointing out weed plants that creg spread out there lol and there were these bolders that brook says they pushed down from a hill.. they did look out of place.. ) But anyway, I got on and he said he does it with his nephews all the time and that they was heavier then me so yea.. i told him he better not make me hit any trees lol dang i was scared when we was going by trees because brook would lean away >_< !!!! meaning i felt like i was falling! but anyway it wasnt' long before we hit some looks rocks like little ones like gravel and then like some jumps so i was like 'put me down put me down!' lol I sure as hell dont' want him to fall with me ontop of him! Anyway we got back and walked with mom and dad back to the surburbine because mom didn't feel like fishing here anymore (too much walking) oh and in the car I made brook eat some candy xD lol because he had smoked a cigerate. I was like 'does anyone want gum?!' real loud and smiled at brook who rolled his eyes ' mom? dad?' they both said no and when i was about to get to brook he sighed and reached over me to grab my nerds rope lol ^^ xD ha ha Anyway we went to jed and it was getting dark..
So we was at Jed (my fav lake, i like that one we went to though) and mom had a chair and i dont' liek that area we went to bedcause it's gravel for boats and it's a parking area and yea.. no rocks to sit on. Anyway dad sat in the back of the surburbine and me and brook sat on the ground (he said he's used to it becaues of the pow wows) and we was like.. 4 or 5 yards from my mother... maybe more then that.. I don't know.. but yea.. so we was off by ourselves but by them.. i sat next to brook and had my beanie on now (didn't have it on before) and .. i finnaly could'nt take it no more and crossed my legs and put my left knee and part of thigh under his right folded up leg.. yea.. and leaned on him.. -.-' which tickled his shoulder -___- and anyway.. he looked up.. and said 'do you see the triangle?' and I looked up and said no.. and he leaned his head to mine and pointed upwards and i really saw it. There are 3 triangles.. a big one, one inside that one then one to the bottem right of the big one. Brook said his sister is the one to the right, his brother is the one inside the large one and he was the large one because he was the baby. ... he was also looking for the dragon but the stars didn't come out well enough so .. yea.. but.. i was .. running my hand up his arm and stuff.. i tickled him for a while and he said 'that's why i dont like people touching me.. expect certin people' he always says that lol and yea.. i stoped and.. we hadn't kissed and i raised my left and and started playing with his hair.. and he flenched and said 'that's cheating' I dont know how many times he said that last night. Probably 100 .. Anyway... my head was by his and he looked at me and slowly slowly inched his face towards mine -.-' then hit my nose with his.. said something I don't know it was stupid -.-' but he is always doing that.. in the middle of something he'll just.. pow hit my nose ^^' not hard or anything just playfully xD but it's annoying lol! But anyway .. we just kept our faces close and we coudl hear my mom yelling at the fish and bugs and stuff and brook was just saying that we cracked him up and i could feel his eyelashes on my cheek and.. yea.. -_- then he said 'she's stabing me in the eye with her nose! killer nose!' retard! he is the one that moved his face there! xD stupid ass! damn! lol .. but yea.. i was still playing with his hair and had left his ears alone and we kissed.. lightly I guess (OoOoo got different types now -.-') Anyway a fished jumped and he said with a chuckle 'that's one' and i'm like where's the lightening? and low and behold off to the right way off there was a bit of lightening (which cought up with us later) ha .. but damn fish and lightening.. ha But yea I was tickling him again and he said 'if you do that again' and pecked me on the lips 'that's your last one' and I was like, mouth open what omg lmao and I was like omg i was just I could'nt believe he said that xD ha ha ha anyway I was like 'mom brook's being mean to me!' and he's like oh my god lol and yea.. but anyway i was just playing with his hair and he looked to me and inched his face again and it looked like he was bout to kiss me again and i was bout to pull away and he pulled away first! and said 'ayee just playin' XD and he didn't kiss me the little ass! damn! I wanted to hit him lol but yea.. I started to touch his ears and he flenched and (looks likes he's trying to pop his neck n.n) and said 'stop it, that's cheating' and hit his forehead to mine lol ha ha i kept doing that XD just to make him mad ha ha see how long he'd last xD mom had cought a turtle and we went over there and dad put it in the grass and then there was a raccoon trying to get it and then that turtle must of bit it because that raccoon hissed and we all laughed and mom was freaking out so we left lol we packed up and then brook was over there looking for the animal and found it after awhile and then we got in the surburbine and mom saw it because the raccoon had walked along the shore. Anyway, I scooted next to him, like pressed my side to his, he was way over to the door and I was all trying my hardest to get over there lol but mom needed something and i leaned forward to help out i can't remember what it was and anyway i could see that brook scooted towards me more. Heh anyway his arm was around me and I leaned into him and .. anyway his nails are long and he was running them up my arm and ::shivers:: it felt good, it tickled but it felt good lol xD and i leaned my face closer to his and.. he leaned his head down and i put my arm up and to the back of his head (my right arm, meanign it was like wrapped around his head lol) and.. i was playing with his hair and he kissed me, and right as his lips touched mine i was like 'what happened to my last kiss?' and he's like 'thta doesn't matter now' lol i didnt care lol i kissed him back.. but yea. in the car is when it got 'intense' so to say lmao god i feel so stupid typing this lol oh well.
Fine to skip some stuff >.> .. I started rubing on his ears and his left hand gripped my hip and top of thigh tighter and i heard him take in a breath and move his right hand to my stomach, he rubbed over it to his other hand and back, hip to hip, he kept doing that. I liked it lol. And .. I've .. never got a wohoo feeling with him when i've kissed him.. but tonight.. instead of him wanting to miss me.. it was the other way around i felt.. i ran my fingers from his side burns over his ear and hair and he liked that lol >_< he kept saying stop it though xD i think i was torturing him :\ but yea.. and.. we did the tongue thing >.> and then.. he just.. his tongue went dead? Lol am I not the only one who finds that stupid? ^^' lol he must think so too xD ha ha But damn do I love his lips! Lol so yea.. lips.. no tongue. and.. his .. ha ha strokes? Ha on my stomach were more.. frantic? and I know I was enjoying it (oh we are right behind my parents btw lol) and my left arm was over his arm on my stomach and i was keeing it above his arms so he couldn't slip it up my chest and.. i think he was aiming for that because his arm went up and mine pressed down on his so yea.. lol but he respected it and iddn't try again then when i did move my arm he iddn't try to take that as a way to get his hand up there and feel me up so.. .. yea.. but (oh yea! after we was looking for the raccoon and heading back to the car brook walked past me and patted me on the butt 3 times lol and said 'come on' and XD and lol ! it was just lol he doesn't touch it alot lol he is shy! he really is!) I believe he's a virgin lol he is so shy it's so cute! but yea.. when we was making out in the car or whatever his left hand gripped my hip and part of thigh some and i leaned into him and he bearly even touched my butt lol he was shy! ha ha but anyway xD we was kissing and my beanie was messing on my ears cause it was against his shoulder and it was moving and my fucking earring poped out! i cought the earring and the back fell down my arm somewhere so we had to stop get a flashlight (not stop the car) and the back was right on my leg so yea.. i put it up because i could'nt put it back in while we were moving. OH yea. and while we was driving out of there we had cops going past us and stuff and we was making fun of brook saying they was comming to get him and lol he was cool about it saying he hadn't been teased in awhile. and what it was was we saw a suv, or lincon navigator and the cow guard bummper thing in the front was torn off and something was underneath it like hanging not an animal but yea and then there was like a trail behind it of soem licquid and brook and i was wondering waht was going on and we all thought that the guy hit an animal and there was cops out int he fields and everything and we thoguth they was hunting down the hurt animal and (those things can go crazy when their hurt) and anyway we kept going and brook and i kissed some more but kept stoping and he is just so curious about things.. it's so cute.. but yea.. there were guys out with shot guns so it looked like they was hunting something there were a lot of troopers out there in the fields and there was a stop up ahead with two cops and they stoped us and brook had his arm around me still and rolled down his window and we got shined with a flashlight and the car got checked and mom was yacking at the poor guy trying to find out what happend to the animla and it turns out that it wasn't an animal that it was some guy who stole a car and that car we saw was it and had fled and they was looking for him. But yea. me and brook went back to kissing lol while mom and dad takled and talked about what just happned and dad said if some guy jumps out in the road to run him over lol and brook was just saying how we all cracked him up lol but yea.. (at the lake he just looked at me and smiled sayign how goofy i was and.. said he liked it and i'm like why and he just.. said he liked it.. cha .. god) but yea.. we went back to what we was doing and.. he.. stoped and just looked at me again and raised his hand to my neck and with his fingers ran them over my face and stuff.. and -_- hit my nose.. dork.. goodness .. but it was a few minutes.. and being dumb like he is he tilted my chin up and we went back to kissing lol XD what a gay move xD ha ha ha and we wasn't paying attention to shit and then a light shined on us and we both stoped but didn't move and i could feel him smile and i smiled and it was a street light lol and we just went back to kissing xD ha ha and we was in town now lol how time flies but yea.. we just didn't care and.. then.. yea.. well i moved up and turned to face him and put both my hand on his head and.. touched his ears and stuff and he kissed me and gripped me tight and yea.. dang.. i asked if he was gonna call and he said yea.. and i was like tongiht? he said yea.. after i go over next door (to smoke) but yea.. .. i had to let him go.. i touched his back as he went out the car.. .. .. he said drive safely and left.. .. i can only imagine how he acted in the car ha ha but yea.. i layed down in the car (mom cought us kissing too i think, lol once) and got home, dad got ont he computer i got in the shower and.. realized that.. i .. this all.. it's like i'm a character or something.. that it really isn't me.. .. it's weird.. but yea.. got out of the shower dad was off i had to rub mom no one called it was like 12 (we got back at like 11:30 or 40) and i was tired took the phone went to my room 1:30 checked the phone and i was out of it lol i just went back to sleep and yea.. no call i guess but yea he was probably asleep and i was woken up by a storm at 6 damn it was a bad one. Lightening loud thunder rain you couldn't see through. I was thinking brook would call to see if i was alright but i was sure he was sleeping through this. So anyway i found out it was just a thunderstorm and went back to bed.. got up at like 11 something.

But yea.. Brook.. .. dang.. I dont' know what.. it is.. with him.. I just can't think while i'm around him..

.. him and his weed damnit..

He also, while we was at jed sitting next to each other said that.. he was like 'dang, i'm gonna be like your mother when i get older. just like one up right after another, ... i dont' want to be like that' and I looked at my mom.. she does just light a cigerate up right after she finishes one.. i was surprised he noticed... he is really smart.. he said he likes to learn about stars and .. stuff i forgot what he called it but yea.. oh he said he cleaned his room too lol.. i want to be with him.. i don't know why or how..
He works today at 5... till 9 and i work at 7.. i think.. yea.. but.. yea..
I want to see him..


.. now..

.. i might get my hair cut today.. i'm trying to get mom to take me into town.. i'm liking her mom and i think dad can see that.. i just.. .. i dont' konw.. dont' like him so much now lol.. .. just.. how he .. acted.. it's just.. damn.. and all he said.. .. i didn't tell you guys half of what he said.. he said that he was treating me like an adult when i should be treated like a kid.. wrong i am mature damnit god.. anyway and how he said it was mom's fault for wanting another kid that he said no but mom wanted a little girl and i was like wtf.. and there was more.. stupid..

.. anyway.. i'm gonna call brook.. in a while .. wait and see if he calls me..

...


________

10:30

He called exactly when I got off and left a message. I talked to him for awhile then someone had to use the phone so he said he'd call me back in a minute. On the phone he said I cheated too much lol and I told him he liked it when I cheated and he said 'no comment' lol I know he does .. damn .. .. I do like him.. been thinking bout him all day.
Anyway, I checked the messages on the phone while I was waiting for his call and Jakita called saying Amy didn't come in and wondered if I wanted to waitress.. so .. I called her and she told me to come in or she would call up one of the girls that left an application so yea.. I'm a waitress now -.-' she said 'get that black off your nails, dress nice and get your butt over here' so yea.. I started getting ready. Brook called in a few minutes since I already at the black off my nails.. ah.. things just aren't the same with my nails.. plain.. ::shivers:: ick. (I'm proud of myself though! I haven't been chewing my skin around my fingers so they look normal! Look nice N smooth ^^') So yea.. Brook called and I told him I was going into work right now and couldn't talk. He said ok. Yea, I asked him if he wanted to come see me if I was getting off and he said to call because he was going to work at 5. So got to work and.. at 5:20 xD remembered to call lol I worked till we closed, 8:15 is when I got out. Made $20 something in tips. Got paid $31 dollars for dishwashing and I have $52 on me and some change! And I didn't even get paid for waiting tables yet which'll be another $10 or more. I'll have over $100 at the end of the week if I dont' spend it. I'll get paid more then $40 for waiting then with my tips I'm sure I'll have more then $100.. in one week that's good! ^^
Friday I work 2-8 and Saturday I work 12-8. Brook got off at 9 but it's burger night so he said he had a feeling he wouldn't get off till like 11 or 12. I called before I got on and no one was there so yea..
Waiting wasn't too too hard lol I had a few problems with the food and then cashing them out and shit.. but yea.. I think I did fine. Jakita called my mom for my ride and told her that I was a good worker and shit and I'm pretty and she likes to watch me work and that she should be proud to have me for a daughter, that she knew she would be if she had a daughter like me -.-' she said more shit but yea I'll spare ya.

Like I thought, Brook slept through that storm this morning lol .. Brook said something stupid on the phone and I said 'Brook that was gay.. you are gay' and he's like 'oh your boyfriend is gay huh? How can that be? Hey guys!' lol and he tolds creg xD stupid! God what a dork. He always picks on me and teases me ^^ he also wanted me to say his name 'Brooook' lol ha I wouldn't .. but did later XD ha ha

Dad has.. ok still has been acting weird.. he just.. seems.. out there.. by himself you know.. ... I don't know.. I want to go into town but.. I want mom to take me and she won't.. .. I don't want to go with dad.. and he see's that.. oh fucking well.. mom is pretty cool I've found out.. when we aren't finding and holding grudges against each other.. I say that becasue neither of us will lower themselves to say sorry XD ha ha it's so hard to say sorry in this house xD no one does lol damn
OH! Jonathin came in with his girlfriend Sabrina and her kid xD ha ha ha damn that girl is U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no.. yea.. can't spell that next word so I'll stop. Naw she aint' that bad looking but I thought he would have a slutly looking girl.. he is goodlooking enough to have one ^^ lol but XD yea ha ha I was wearing a tight shirt (i have to) and was sitting at my back booth doing a ticket (writing down prices and adding and shit) and he came over and looked up and down me and just smiled and shook his head XD perv! ha ha Oh and yea.. it was crazy.. only got a $1.something tip from him :\ but yea she didn't look friendly.. sabrina.. ha ha .. oh well. But what I remembed was on the phone like yesterday.. when I was talking about piercings.. did I tell ya? Well, I told Brook that Jon said for me to get my nipples pierced xD and brook was like' whoa whoa whoa he'll have to stop talking like that around you ' ha ha brook has such manners and is so shy aww so cute XD ha ha
But yea.. I miss Brook.. after work dad would'nt take me to GasMart because dinner was waiting for him at home -.-' man I was really wanting to see him xD ha ha becaues of what i was wearing >_< to be honest that is :\ my shoes where those black ones too.. jakita was there and I took my shoes off and wore hers while i moped lol I didn't want to get bleach on my BLACK shoes. (she dont like black) but yea I had a good time ^^

o.o Brooooooook ha ha xD damn.. moping is hard.. ::yawns:: I'm ready for bed...

.. ready for brook xD ha ha ....

Can't believe I ever liked Jon.. I'm just glad I never really liked him -.-' I mature everyday xD ha ha stupid ass needs to shut up huh? ::talking about self::

.. .. OoOooo I just can't stop with the dots.. sorry i'm happy about the $$$$

... $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Not alot though xD ha ha oh well more then what I was making and it was slow today.. it'll just be hell when it's busy -.-'


~

Close the World |

:: 2004 5 July :: 8.06 am
:: Mood: pissed/cramps

buda
I am so pissed off right now.

Brook called yesterday at 9 something. Early right? Anyway he was just wanting me to know that he would be home he was about to leave to go party and was just home getting something and calling me. He said he was going to the boat house at the lake and then somewhere then to a concert then to this house and that house and tihs house and back to this house then that house and on and on back and forth and it was crazy then back to the boat house then back to blah then drop blah and take blah home and then be home after going to blah and .. he said that he paid that really hard rock band in bulldog town to play at that boat house and .... I asked him 'what do you want me to do?' and he said 'ahh.. I dont' know.. keep the phone with you i guess and i'll call whenever i can because I don't know' and I said alright.. and he said he'd call me on his cell phone and then I asked 'well call me when that band plays so I can hear them' and he's like 'ok' and I'm like 'if you can remember that is' and he's like 'i'll remember' and I'm like 'yea right You'll be mashin' and be all messed up... and.. he said he'd remember and he had to go so we hung up and.. I put the phone back.. and.. ... I became really tired and I was just gonna say the heck with it and let the phone die and just sleep but.. I had it with me.. at like.. around 12.. then at.. 1:30 something I think.. past it I'm sure.. I woke up, checked the phone.. and no messages so I know mom didn't work tomorrow so I put it on the hook to recharge.. and.. I woke up at 3 somthing close to four and decided to go get the phone again and.. kept it and.. then this morning.. no messages and the phone still wasn't dead.. so.. I called mom because I heard her going to the bathroom, I gave her the phone because I was too lazy to get up. she said 'oh I think Brook called you last night' and I'm like 'what?' as in W.H.A.T. ... and she's like 'yea. I didn't get to it in time' and I'm like 'he called?' 'I think so' and i was.. ohhh was I getting mad.. I said 'why didn't you get me?' and she's like 'I was tired' and I was like 'he called, and you didn't get me?' and i was saying it.. like.. how could you kinda way. Man was I pissed! and So angry! I can't believe it! I missed his call! He said he woudln't forget. I was looking so forward to talking to him.. and i was worried about him.. and.. he called and.. mom just went back to sleep? 'well you know what I called for you twice and you didn't come and i didn't feel like getting up' did feel like getting up? YOu fucking called me TWICE and gave up! .. ohhh boy .. oh boy.. damn.. so angry. man.. I went off. 'You fucking answer is you didn't feel like getting up when all the other times you .. you came and got me!' .. oh i was soo fucking pissed.. so soooooo pissed.. man.. i was worried about him. about him getting so messed up he couldn't remember.. and.. and he really .. really called and i missed it.. man i was crying i was so fustrated. I couldn't find my feelings. I mean.. i missed one call but what if it was important. Oh i'm so confused. I feel like crying again. Damn i'm fustrated.. .. after a bit when I wasn't yelling at her anymore and she wasn't yelling at me.. i got the phone and star 69ed it.. thinking it would be his cell and i guess it was at home because after 5 ring someone hung up on me. Nathins gonna be pissed, brooks gonna get yelled at.. and. he called.. he called.. and my mother's fucking answer was i didn't feel like getting up.. i didn't feel like getting up.. she was asking me why i was crying and all this shit.. grrrr.. damn.. i'm so pissed off right now.. soo soo fucking pissed...

What the fuck does brook mean to me! What is it! what! fuck i'm tired of this .. i reall am.. i'm about to say just fuck it and forget all of them all of this.. fucking shit tihs is stupid. fucking stupid.

mom and dad was outside on the truck fucking watching the fireworks and i went outside with them and .. i talked to dad and mom about brook and dad about the truck and i told them i didn't love him and i'd choose them over him even if he was living in arizona.. and.. they said..that. .if he was living in arizona that i need to think about my future and.. since he is a friend it would'nt be bad to live with him for my schooling and.. i was .. like wtf 'i want to stay with you guys' .. and they say they are old ... and finnaly see it my way.. they aren't moving.. all my hopes.. my dreams.. they aren't moving.. at all. .. i'm stuck here.. in this fucking little hell. .. with a boyfriend who's a drug addict and drunk.. ... who has nothing left and needs others to lean on.. someone needs to set him straight and it' smy fucking goal to knock some since into him.. goddamnit.. i'm crying again.. damn.. i .. i'm really upset right now.. .. i can NOT FUCKING BELIEVE mom did NOT come get ME. argh!.. pisses me off. I can tell she is sorry but won't lower herself so say so.. she will later though.. she's out mowing the lawn sayign she doesn't want me to do it and dad said for her not to because last time she got clogged up.. i've been on this.. my chest hurts. i have cramps because i started yesterday.. adn i'm still pissed off.. .. god.. i'm so pissed off..


This is ridiculous

_______________
3:05
Mood: fine/kinda tired

Yea just got off the phone with Brook. He called at 3 while he was behind stage at the concert.. aww.. he said he let it ring once like he always does and then waited to call me back and did and let it ring a couple of times and then was just holding the phone, trying to figure out weather to call again or not.. his friends told him to fuck it so.. yea..

He wasn't very messed up.. ok he wasn't at all.. he said he did'nt get drunk and only had like 2 joints.. he said that he didn't have all that much fun.. and then i told him what mom said about going fishing last night lol and he said that he would of gone with me! He said he'd rather spend time with me then go get high and shit... wow.. i didnt' believe him xD ha ha ha .. oh did I tell you that Creg got his eye brows shaved off when he was drunk? ha ha

Found out Brook doesn't like bellyrings and didn't know bethany had one and doesn't want me getting one and i said tongue ring and he said he would like that and lip ring he didn't care and.. mmm tongue ring.. my parents would flip! I'm plotting to go get it pierced though.. with Ashley ^^' eheh xD Brook said he is afraid of it hurting too much or he wuold already have one. He might get his eyebrowls piereced tomorrow o_o ... yea but ouch ^^'

He is off tonight and Thrusday.. mom wants to go fishing tonight.. i'll talk to brook as soon as he can call me.. and.. .. yea..

... .. my stomach hurts ~_~ ..

... yea.. brook.. humm ... cha crazyness.. i didn't say a damn thing about.. anything.. just.. i was quite.. and the phone died.. yea.. ..

...

_________
6:22


Well, we are going fishing and I called him and he was playing a game and i was like 'i only called to ask a question, we are going fishing, wanna come?' and he said he did'nt know because of creg and I said ok well what do you want me to do? you gonna call me or am i gonna call you? and he choose me call him and I said alright i'm gonna go take my shower now and he's like good you were beginning to smel through the phone. So yea.. meanie. God in the bathroom and stripped down and mom banged on the door saying i had a call. So I dressed and took the phone and went to my room. Being the idiot i am I dressed and went to my room when i could of just reached my arm out and grabbed the phone and stayed in the bathroom -.-' It was brook.. he said fuck it he'd go. Just the answer i was looking for right? lol well anyway it's gonna be at 7 and it's almost 7 so.. .. yea.. cool.
Mom said that we are going to a lake i haven't gone to yet and(there are lots of lakes out here) and brook's been to it but mom said that we have to stay near them tonight, and I said 'well it's a new lake mom i'm gonna walk around' and she said it was ok but when it gets dark to stay near them -_- shit.. i was really wanting to talk to him.. oh well... i'll get my way i'm sure. I just hope this lake has alot of rocks.. i had tree and grassy lakes.. means ticks.. i hate ticks.. ::shivers::

Well, I'm planning on wearing my beanie ^^ i'm gonna say that i don't want bugs in my ears since they are infected and so.. yea.. lol might work might not but i'm sure brook'll like it anyway. Wearing a black blink 182 shirt with it.. with blue jeans and those gray and blue and bit of black shoes sis gave me.. yea.. .. i hope it's not too much lol but anyway bout time to call brook.. it's 6:30 now.. .. well i should let him sleep.. he hasn't all day.. .. humm.. i still haven't even thought of what ot say to him.. what to.. tell him.. I thought of a question though.. 'what if you saw me kissing another guy?' and .. if he turned the question around I would just say that I would just shrug it off and walk away.. i just want him as a friend anyway.. .. right? right? ... .. .. i just.. want to hold him.. and have me held.. and.. touch his hair.. but.. friends can do that right? .. wrong.. fuck.. I need to set my shit straight.. fuck..

~

Close the World |

:: 2004 4 July :: 5.54 pm
:: Mood: fine and tired some

buda
.. went to work with mom today too.. Brook didn't call.. well.. yea I slept with the phone.

Went to work and was awake, helped out and then Robert and Samantha .. was there both 17 and dating.. and yesterday at mom's work the guy that.. looked at me alot was Robert.. he looks just like Screech off of Saved by the Bell. Just like HIm! Really! And anyway we all talked and they are pretty cool. He kept looking at me today and smiling and I was just cracking up and anyway.. like at the end of the day he said that I reminding him of his sister.. heh.. I thought it was something else. Here is this guy, who's known this girl for 4 and a half months, got her 2 months pregant and is getting married supposedly in January and he's looking at ME? Yea.. so.. dang I mean dang.. he has some kind of disease that makes him have these bumps all over his arms and bruises on his legs an back and some on his chest and neck.. yea.. and it looks like it's contagious and people say he has stds aids and.. it's just aweful. I mean, I'm not afraid of touching him, it's not contagious.. but it's a second level of.. something I don't remember.. ceriisis lol damn that waht it is sir-rhy-is-is :\ His girl said that it'd cost like 5,000$ just to get the meds to get ride of it, well it'd still be there but you culdn't see it as well. but anyway, he would hug her and kissed her infront of me so I guess he just liked me as a friend. I'm relieved -.-' ^^ we talked about brook some too.. my boyfriend.. mom was the first to bring him up.. said that 'oh buda's boyfriend has black hair like hers' samantha dyed her hair.. yea.. but anyway.. we really talked and shit.. and.. god.. with a cigerate.. she burnt a whole in a bottle and then a tinyer one and stuck her cig filter in the big part and covered up the little whole with her finger and then sucked in some of the bottles air and smoke was in it and then she inhaled it all when there was a lot in the bottle.. ._. taught me something knew ^^' lol xD then robert did it (mom was inside) and it was a lot more then hers and dang he is a crazy mamamofa dang but anyway.. to make it all short and shit.. the had to go and he brought his stearo over so we could listen to music since i bout killed the little radio in there and samantha left to get ready for bowling (they was going) and came and gave me a hug later and was off and then robert was walking and i was going .. past him not sure why and i'm like' bye, see you later, it was nice talking to you' and he put his stuff down and I saw it out of the corner of my eye and i was wondering if he'd give me a hug or not and he's like 'come here' lol so I went to him and he one armed hugged me and I smiled and did the same to him.. I don't care about his arms.. ^^ i really wanted to run my hand down them.. he had a nice tan o.o ::shrugs:: anyway.. he is a bit.. umm.. retarded.. he had gotten struck by lightening.. i mean he does'nt act like it but he is just laughign alot.. like someone .. high or something so he isn't high it's just.. he had plates in his head and i don't fucking know what else just little bits they threw at me.. alot of stuff but yea.. pretty weird but he seems cool.. yea..

He left and yea..

But I called Brook at 10:50, thinking he had to work at 11, and so he picked up and i said 'you working' and he said in 15 so yea.. (our clock there was fast) .. anyway I asked if he tried to call and he said he did at 12 but got the machine and I didn't get off untill 12:12 so I missed it. I asked if he called at 12:30 and he said no that he was asleep and I said 'good, so was i' lol yea.. but yea..

.. He is partying right after work (3 o'clock) and.. I asked him 'should i keep the phoen with me?' and he said yea.. like for sure.. he always is for sure his voice always so certin.. .. and anyway he said he had to go and.. i'm like 'ok, well ok wake up and have fun at work.. and tonight ok?' and he said yea and later so.. yea.. .. dang..

... I want to see him..

.. but yea.. robert and samantha seem cool.. i just dont' want her getting jealous of me.. because i dont' want that.. and.. she told me alot about their relationship.. wow people just tell me shit. I mean dang... she thought i was 15 too lol xD ha ha it was funny but yea.. but.. they seem cool..

.. I wnt to see broook.. dad.. i said goodnight i love you last night.. and he said love you goodnight.. and.. .. .. yea.. OH! I told him about the squirl today!

Yes! Today there was a squirl over there at moms' work and it comes up and will take from your hand and i gave it some crackers and they think it's the squirel that fell in that greese out there and they saved it.. but yea.. anyway i was the only one outthere and was feeding it then i was out and stood up and it didn't run away (i was on stiars) and there where two more out by the dumpsters and yea.. they didn't come up.. and went inside and got a blueberry muffin, a huge one and it ate it! So I was feeding it that.. and I got it to stay near me while it ate (i would take the food then walk away like 2 or 3 feet eat it and come back) and it woudl just take it and stay there and eat it and then i laid my leg down and made it reach for the food and it got up on my thigh! and sat on it and ate it! awww! that little guy was sooo soo cute! I remember when he had that baby squirel, mr pooky that died aww lol he was soo cute! I'm calling that squirel mr pooky but yea.. that is the story.. next time i need to bring a camera ^^ he was soo damn cute! oh when it went away and i had no more food it came up to me and i put my fingers down and it was looking and smelling for food and i could feel it's little wet nose and wiskers and i petted it's head with my fingers and his nose (he was still sniffing my hand) and scratched under his chin and rubbedit's cheeks awwww it was sooooo soft and cuuuuuuuuuute! I'm gonna have brook catch me a baby one, i want one awww ^^!But yea ^^'

yep.. brook..

... argh.. dang.. this is crazy..

.. partying..

on the phone yesterday.. he said 'dang i love it, it's been going good so i might be stayign longer, this old techer of mine said she can hook me up with 3 grants and some scholarships, she said i just have to wait a little bit longer and i'm partying.. and it's been going good.. got a good job.. man a good job.. things of just been going good' and. i'm like.. 'you wheren't saying that just the other night'.. meaning.. that morning.. about him wanting to die and all and.. he said 'well' and .. i mean.. .. dang.. what was i thinking? what the fuck was i thinking? he says he can't change, that no one can make him change... he thinks i want him to change? he said that he was sober for me but then he says he was high on weed when he saw me? i mean.. i already told him.. i didn't want him to change for me.. . or anything.. he just doesn't see that i don't care.. .. i don't know.. it's crazy i don't understand..

.. but yea.. ...

..

~

Close the World |

:: 2004 3 July :: 5.30 pm
:: Mood: ... alright/stomach is turning a bit.. not quite s
:: Music: HD-Coming Clean (I have no clue why)

Close the World |