raped by your indignation crossed by your pleasure in my pain take me down from your pedastool I can't help you leave me


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please let me know what you know I am lost in a world of confusion

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:: 2005 31 October :: 1.35 am

finally at peace

well I hung out with Briana today and it felt great...I don't think that I have ever been so anxious to do something with someone since I met him. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be though but it was still fun. At least I know that she's not mad at me anymore and we have both forgave eachother for the things that we did. Thats the best part.

well he's tired and getting mad that Im on HIS computer GOD!!

I guess it's off to bed with me

well if you insist

:: 2005 28 October :: 11.15 pm

im so alone


I feel as if I never get to see him anymore. work is just killing us lately what with him never having a day and with me pretty much the same...it's starting to wear on me. I wish I had a friend. Kate G is just avoiding me and so is melissa I don't know who else I have...Jessa I love you but it's different now it's like I cant really talk to you about what is going on...you have your new life and I feel really childish around you now that your married and have a kid to take care of...But there is always some hope...I actually talked to Briana who was my bestest friend for years but in high school about our junior year we kind of fell apart and went our seperate ways. She called me today and when we started talking it was as if nothing had ever changed it was nice to feel like someone other than the man in my bed actually wanted to hear what I had to say. I found out that she only lives like a block away from me so she is going to call me sometime this weekend to hang out.....hopefully I am not working.

I forgot my keys in his car today and since today is friday and it is only the second friday in about three years that I had off I have been sitting at home for like 12 hours just doing absolutly nothing...well I am alternating between the internet the new book I am reading and the tv but now that it is 11:30 I am bored as hell with all of them. So what to do?? I know that when he gets home he is going to be to tired to want to do anything and I cant help but think to myself that this is the one day that I will regret for a long time. I mean I just wasted 12 hours of my life doing absolutly nothing, if I were to die tommorow I would have nothing to show for it but this extremly long journal entry that probably nobody will ready....BLAH!!!!

Somday I hope God hits me with a lightning bolt that wakes me up and finally helps me realize what it is that I want to do with my damn life because I got to tell this howies thing is getting really old. I am like the bitch for every store. All I do is run around to a different store like once a month get there store running the way it should again let them teach a new asst. manager how to do everything and then poof! I am gone to a different store. it sucks. I want one store I don't want to be moved around anymore...I want my own store...I talked to Jerry about it and he actually said to me. "Kadie, I wouldn't worry about I have a place for you and I think that you will like you just have to be patient a little while longer while I set it up," what the fuck does that mean???? sometimes I hate Jerry....but he's so nice to look at!!!!

well my rant is finally over I made myself laugh....thanks guys

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2005 1 August :: 4.03 pm

It's been so long it's like Im a virgin again!!!!

So I can't remeber the last time I wrote in here but I was looking through all my old journal entries and I realize how much all my old friends really don't like me....it's hard to be liked though when you don't ever do anything with anybody.

I have become this somewhat partier hanging out with Dan, Chad and Andy and the gang from work a lot, I don't really know if thats a good thing but hey it's somthing other than working...right? I guess that it's one of my futile ways of trying to make friends....

I didn't come to your baby shower( which I feel I should explain now) because I lost that paper with your address and you moved and I couldn't figure out where it was....and I got a new phone so all of my numbers were gone even KT's so I was screwed I am sorry I really was going to go, I even got the day off. I know that I am a little spastic sometimes and for months I go extreamly anti social you know that you even stated that in one of your journals or in one of mine...I can't remeber.....but hey I was reading your latest entry and I realized now is the time for me to show up...you need somebody right now to help you get out of this bout that you are in....so please...call me and we can talk.....now how to give you my phone number without giving it to everyone.....lets see....think of the alphabet....
hbh-cchj well and I will go reply on your journal so you'll have it there.

thanks for some time

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2005 3 January :: 9.50 pm

I know that its been just a too long away...but nobody writes in here anymore....not even jessa.

maybe this is my goodbye from woohu...i've out grown the childish subtlies. plus i don't have any time for it anymore.

well if you insist

:: 2004 15 December :: 3.37 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

sometimes I like to think about the past.....

I realize now that a certain someone isn't mad at me anymore which is kind of confusing as to why she was mad at me in the first place...I never did tell him anyhing you know that now...so no big deal...I don't think that the problem is with telling secrets that are not to be said I think the problem is thinking before speaking...even I have to still work on that. My biggest deal is saying to myself before I say anything..."will this effect the person positivly or negitivly?" if it's negitive most of the time I just choose not to say it.

The only thing that botherd me the most and I am not angry or anything is just that everytime I would need you there to help me and keep something for me you would run and tell the manager just the same...like for instance the time we were late for the meeting...the very next day you told the managers that it was lie...why??? if you want someone to do something for you....which i did.....even though I really wanted to say something....you should do the same for them...you know the whole treat someone the way you would want to be treated saying we all learned by first grade.

This high school drama doesn't effect me anymore I want to grow up I want to be more mature...so from now on Im not going to try anymore....I won't say anything to anyone...but when something sounds moraly wrong to me I will say something no matter what....thats what you do when something questions your morals...you question it right back..

I hope that this doesn't make you even more mad at me I just finally had to tell you what was going on in my head for the past few days...

still friends????

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

:: 2004 2 December :: 2.43 pm

Im a little mad at myself...actually little would be a understatement...I accdiently signed up for some stupid debit credit card thinking it was just a regular credit card...then we got all screwed up in the bank....he doesn't even really care how everything all happend or how I feel about it ....it feels like he doesn't even care that I know I did something wrong I admitted it I said I was sorry I cried for like an hour about it and he didn't do a damn thing....what else am I supposed to do...get on my knees and beg for him to forgive me??

well if you insist

:: 2004 15 November :: 2.43 pm

what really is life?

so my best friend is married....congrats...im happy for you..and I hope that every thing is going well with that and that it stays that way.

But really can I still call you my best friend if I didn't even make a apperance at the wedding?? I feel guilty yet I know that I really couldn't get out of it/afford to get out of it....does this make me a bad person??
I know that life is hard I am learning that now things will get rough and hard and things will get pinched for a while...but it also suprises me the most is how well things actually work out in the end.

What I mean is that in the begging of this month we were over 1,000 dollars in debt well maybe not that much but close to it...and now everything is paid off and we still have a little extra money. it's nice knowing that no matter what happens in time things will get better. things will go the right way.

But really what is life?? We all live for money and money lives for us but it doesn't mean anything it's just paper....a wise man once told me that it doesn't matter money is just money....you either have or you don't...in the end it will just be paper and thats it. I liked that...I never told him that but I did and that was what got me through this month knowing that really it doesn't matter and thats not what life is.

So I guess life is weddings, love, little kisses on the cheek and snuggles before bed. Life is bieng happy just doing nothing and everything all at the same time.

It's funny how when your all grown up and you know whats going on around you things tend to show up in differnt perspectives...I just want to say thank you to the ones who really helped me out this month....you know who you are....I love you.

3 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2004 12 October :: 8.55 pm

it's 9:00 and im still alone

I told him I would be home around 8 I got home a little earlier I know that but here it is 9:00 and he's still not home....I waited to eat anything because he was saying that he was going to cook me dinner and have it ready by the time I got home...I didn't want to ruin that...but where is he?

The one thing that I have been teaching myself lately is not to get mad about stupid things....so this is no big deal.

I started watching a new reality/tv show called laguna beach I still haven't figured out if it's supposed to be a reality show or not....it looks like one but I could be wrong.

your pregnant...and so many rumors have been going around...I can't help but think if this is the best thing that can happen to right now....but I know that you will do the right thing or at least try. you know that no matter what I will stand behind you even if Im not there all the time...or hardly at all....but you should at least go see a doctor and figure everything out about this....you need to go on prenatal vitamins and stuff and get monthly checkups to make sure that everything is going as well as it should be...do that for your baby if not for anyone else cause little clemintine or william desearves it. thats the end of my soap box...sorry

well I only got three days to work this week which sucks Im the only person there who got knocked down so much...wonder what that says...that im getting paid to much to work there now??? I don't know about that because KT was working over time last week and thats got to cost Jerry a lot...but me...I talked to Bill about it he just told me that Andrew had to fix the labor....and aparently Im the only one he took off....he's trying to teach me a lesson that you can't be late even if you can't help it. ahhhhhhhhh I hate that place it just seems like after you work there for so long you can never escape it....and if your not working there you kind of feel like your not really in the world anymore just living right outside it untill thursday...then you'll be fine.

oh well Andrew can try to fuck me all he wants he's the one who will get canned in the end!

3 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2004 4 October :: 12.30 am

every time i write a subject it seems it always starts..."I know it's been a while,"

I've been reading through my friends list and noticed a lot of interesting things....im not going to elaborate I just don't want to take anything to seriously especially when I don't even know for sure thats what is about...I've noticed lately that I have been getting more and more jealous of girls who flirt with him...not just random girls that I can tell off either girls that are my friends....girls that I know that would never do that to me but yet it still bothers me. maybe more so now because I know that if I loose him my life is screwed he is my provider pretty much right now and I am living off him...It's stressful though knowing that you are living off that person knowing that is even more stressful, bieng able to admit it....you feel like you always have to do what they want please them before you ever think about pleasing yourself....i've learned a lot about myself in these past five months....i've learned how not to be so selfish...but where does it go overboard? where does it become to much....I realized the other night that my depression is coming back I found myself staring into to nothing for like 20 min. before I snapped back I wasn't even thinking....it was like sleeping with my eyes open maybe im going crazy...

I got another bladder infection and had to go into the hospital because it got so bad I couldn't even hardly walk and I have these pains in my pelvis....and my back...then I get there and there like "im not even quite sure thats what is wrong with you..." what the hell does that mean they said that they were going to have to send my urine in for testing....is there something more wrong with me????? thats all I need.

I hate it when I can't sleep because I know that I have to get up early tommorow to go to school but yet I also know that I won't be able to sleep for at least another hour or so....but nobodys online and I don't know what to do with myself....he's watching the talented mr. ripley and I don't even like that movie....maybe I should study for my test.................................


well if you insist

:: 2004 14 September :: 11.41 pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: brittany spears-toxic

geez seems like forever

somehow we got the internet turned on and now I have time after taking a pre-test for social science....twice and finally getting most of all the questions right i feel it's now time for me.
were watching the Howard Stern show.

well he is anyways.

I have a question or maybe a statement....???

I like college, yeah it's hard...but I don't go to keggers, and i know that you probably weren't really talking about me but I thought that you should know. maybe the reason why people are complaining and you don't like it is because like me I've noticed that it is a huge difference from high school and even though we took college classes in high school and we thought to ourselves "this isn't really going to be all that bad," it's so much different. it's hard. and maybe people just really didn't realize that so the only way they can vent is to.....rant.

somebody.....late august

i feel so at home here like this is where i really should have been my whole life and I never knew...of and you.....thank you for showing me that...or allowing us to find that.....we never said anything....but even though it hurt you at the time I am really glad that you didn't hate me for it and that you allowed it to happen....because of you I finally have something that I thought I never could. your love couch will forever be in my mind. I love you jessa your my best friend through bitter and happy times.

well if you insist

:: 2004 25 August :: 12.30 pm

Today is my third day of college and I have exacally 30 min till my next class

SO what to do with my time.

I have semi-kicked out of my own home so I am being semi-forced to move in maybe a little sooner than I wanted with him...it's okay though in the back of my mind though I think that this is what I wanted to do with myself...I like the thought of sleeping every night with him and waking up to make breakfast for him in the morning or visa versa...
we have been talking a lot about our future lately and I've decided that this may be probably one of the best decissions I have ever made...in my life...I may have hurt some people along the way to this new...ummm what should I call it....nirvana? but in the end I finally did something for myself ...which wasn't happing in the past. kind of like a staying together for the kids type thing. minus the kids....

lately the things that have happend (top ten)
1. I've devolped a bad habit despite my conscience.
2. started packing
3. had at least 4 fights in the past...week
4. started college
5. got lost
6. finally found the library.
7. been deliously happy
8. had a birthday
9. had the best birthday present
10. read a poem that i didn't understand.

well for you if you read this...I love you!

well if you insist

:: 2004 30 July :: 1.37 pm
:: Mood: delirously happy

so it's been a while and people are starting to get mad

This one's for you Jessa.

today I am at Coreys house and for all of you following me and didn't know this...I broke up with eddie finally and I couldn't feel more better.

I don't know if I would have survived another year if he would have never have come into my life and most don't want to hear this and I wonder if I care sometimes...I think I do to some extent...but really who cares if Im happy what do other people mean to me?

Last night was another 3 hour talk together and a lot of good questions came up about some or just one of my friends and I think you know who you are. We are very confused as to if you really are over it or if your forcing yourself to be over it...will you ever let yourself see that were happy together and this is the place we want to be?? oh and another thing...you say that all I ever do is talk about him...im not mad....but thats what we all do the three of us we talk about our boyfriends...is it just different for me because it's Corey, or is it because when you guys talk about yours it's always like "GOd I HATE IT WHEN ____ DOES THIS?" I am sorry that I don't have that....but it bothers me when I cant talk about my relationship but everybody else can. I don't know maybe I'll chew on it a little longer and gather my thoughts better before sunday but we need to talk.

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

:: 2004 23 June :: 3.52 pm

maybe I am bieng watched and cared for

something awesome has happend to my family that has been a long time coming...my mom finally got her disability and it couldn't have come at a better time...just before my tution is supposed to be paid for. she gets a check for 22,000 dollars this month then she gets 1300 every month after that untill she dies. and thats not even the best part...I also get benifits from it because she has been such a consistant worker for 19 years and then abruptly had to stop because of her illness I get 300 every month untill im 18 (which is only 3 months..that sucks) but I also get a check this month for 3600 dollars!!! this really takes a huge load off our backs now we don't have to worry about dad not paying child support or that we cant by grocereies anymore....thank God!!

Jessa are you working for Kirby because Eddie did that for a while and it was a rip off you end up paying out more in new digs and stuff than you actually get....unless of course you are one hell of a seller you probably will get jiped.....but if not I'm happy for you.

well I got a blatter infection and the insanely cute doctor was the one asking all the questions and there is nothing worse than having a hot doctor ask you if you have any irregular discharge! GOd why me.

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2004 6 June :: 1.01 pm

I seem to be getting a little annoying...to myself at least.

first off to someone who knows who she is I just want to say that I am sorry...I was thinking about all the things that I have said yesterday and have come the conclusion that it shouldn't matter to me what you do....I know that I was in my mind yesterday trying to help you but really all I was doing was making you mad...I am sorry that I didn't give the impression that I am actually a little envious of you...and that I wish I could do some of the things that you are willing to just put yourself out there for....it's not fair that everyone else gets to live thier lives and here I am stuck with my mom becuase other wise I won't get help with college. So Im sorry....your my friend and I understand what you have to do....so now I tell you....GOOD LUCK!

Wayne said that he was sorry but it didn't actually feel like he ment it...I told him not to speak to me again and to keep his comments and helpful regards to himself....he doesn't run my life so don't try....hopefully he got the hint that he's not going to keep me under his thumb the rest of my home living life....Im an adult weather they like it or not...*sigh* it's scary.....but bring on the independance.

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

:: 2004 30 May :: 9.18 pm

I have a feeling this one is gonna be a long one.

so today was graduation....yay! I guess....I don't feel like I have made any great achievments and I guess really the only person who saw it as one was my mother....just my mom....not the one person I really feel like I need the gratification from....he doesn't have it in him.

I hate writing the whole my fathers an ass entries but today seems a little fitting seems how thats what he is...the min my commencement was over he shot out the back door of the gym and ran to his car and left....didn't even say goodbye or anything and there I was standing around for an extra 15 min trying to find only to find out that he wasn't there anymore....congradulations Katie you really did it this time!! He refused to take me out to eat because his stupid eagles club was doing something more important....I thought it was just because he didn't have the money but I guess I was wrong...he just didn't have the space to fill me in.

On top of the small melodrama my own boyfriend decided that he would rather go hang out with his stupid perverted friends instead of helping me celebrate my oh so beautiful day....and then ended up doing something else and forgot to let me know.....so here I am celebrating my new life....just like I did my old one...in front of the computer hoping someone gives a damn about my problems.

sorry about the drama.

well if you insist

:: 2004 18 May :: 11.46 am

noting new unless the rest of my life counts

no one has written in thier journals lately probably to busy...or maybe just not busy at all and has nothing to write.

My mom told me I have one month too become an adult and then I have to get a second job.....start buying my own shampoo, soap, food, etc... could get a little harsh after while seems how I don't even pay insurance right now and it's hard enough for me to keep a hundred dollars in my bank account as it is.

well off to lunch

well if you insist

:: 2004 17 May :: 1.24 pm

I am trying to make this journal good but it just isn't working

well the scrolling marquee thing didn't work ends up that the whole scrolling thing makes everything scroll so much for that!!

well if you insist

:: 2004 12 May :: 8.50 am

today I had my debate and after kicking thier asses I know feel like there is something to live for....I gues my new idea of being a paralegal is going to finally be a good one...WE WERE AWESOME!!!

nobody ever will beat me if they throw in religion.

well if you insist

:: 2004 26 April :: 1.05 pm

questions and hysteria

So my prom is only a week away and everything is still not coming together....I have to call for all of my appointments to make sure that I can actually get my hair and nails done....and nobody let me forget to tan at least twice this week im as white as a ghost and the black of my dress will only make that stand out more.....ohhh God this is just a horrible thing right now

well if you insist

:: 2004 23 April :: 11.47 am

pardon? can I help you?

Finally after searching for about 20 min. I refreshed myself as to how to add a friend...don't laugh to hard sometimes....well most times I seem to loose my mind.

So hopefully on sat. I am going to be going to the movies to see 13 going on 30 with a lot of people...you know who you are....OH

Katie....where is my info on clamidia??? you promised I have to know am I at risk using the bathroom from now on??? this is a serious issue. not just for my health but all of our health.

oh and I just found out that the movie is really really funny....so

Okay nothing really to say thats intellagent.

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

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