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A RagDoll's Rag Journal

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[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 24 December :: 12.14 pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: Beloved; VNV nation

What Type Of Anime Character Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

How many are surprised?

Getting through the quiet end of the shift, and trying to stay awake. It's getting harder.

Met with L last night. Also known as Therapy Battle. The girl needs help, and hasn't allowed herself to try. I don't have the energy anymore. It's easier being with D and S.S., simply because I -gain- energy from encounters with them.

Therapy on my own was ideal. Things like work aren't hitting me, and I can focus on the more fun stuff: Yuri!

I love kigs. I can't get over it. They're too much fun. Dress up dolls with a pulse. Sending Yurichan some stuff, and seeing what she does with it. Should be interesting. Got to see some advance pics that will be posted on her site. She definitely enjoys being a kig.

Writing's back on track. It didn't hurt to hear from S.S. that I was pretty good at it.

I can understand the appeal of John Ringo, but he really needs to meet a woman someday.

S is doing some hardcore fastracking. I hope it works out, and doesn't explode.

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 24 December :: 12.11 pm
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Orbit; Dreamworld


Wow. What a difference a day makes.

No morning meeting on monday, enabling me to sleep. Woke up, got some shopping done, and found R's 21st birthday present: A silly ceramic luck-cat holding a purple marble in its paws. I got home, relaxed to TV and got ready for R's B-day.

I got to her apartment, and R looked fantastic. She was in a lime green PVC dress straight out of Austin Powers, with requisite Austine style lime green PVC Cap. Sparkly black boots, black tights, and a look that she was ready to party. R is very attractive, and has worked her butt off to hide it. Tonight, she failed.

I was able to meet R's roommates. Delightful people, and surprisingly non-eccentric. I know that would normally be a slam from me, but in this case it was nice. R needs some balance.

Tonights goal was a pub crawl. R had spent the previous night on my laptop searching out fabulous places to go. Thank god no Karaoke was open on Monday. Or first stop was this dark and delightfully creepy polish bar at belmont and Milwaukee. Really gloomy and neat. R downed her first shot, and a Gin and Tonic. I had a manhattan. There was commentary on my 'older' tastes in alcohol. One of her roommates commented that I must have been taught how to drink by someone older.

From there, we moved to Holiday's, a Sinatra-style pub. This was where the evening took off. LOTS of conversation, got to know the roommates and their friends, and R became chatty. Food was good, and I went through a martini and a buttery shot of something. From then on it was cokes. Merciful cokes.

The evening ended for me at Spin, a gay nightclub near my home. There was another shot of something pineapply, and a coke. R's tally for her first over-21 outing was: A harley Davidson, a Gin and Tonic, Tequila, A cosmopolitan, an amaretto sour, and a pineapply shot. She handled it all very well. I think I've found my new drinking partner.

Reviews have come in for my dialouge piece, and they're positive. I'm really pleased. Now I'm typing in my reviews. Then tidying, and dinner with L. All in all, a delightful weekend.

Picked up WISH by CLAMP. An angsty romantic piece involving a successful doctor and an...Angel. *sigh* I love anime. Also picked up LEGACY by fred perry. More on that later.

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 21 December :: 1.43 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Beloved; VNV Nation

I think the ny-quil finally wore off.

I spent the alert part of my day fending off the illness that crippled S. for the past few days. At 5, I took a double-dose of Ny-quil and turned in until 8:30. I've been groggy up til now.

It's an hour until my 'weekend' begins. Fortunately it won't be punctuated by yet another pointless meeting. I can just get home, sleep, clean, and prepare for the night.

R turns 21 tomorrow, and came into my job hell-bent to find the perfect venue. Fortunately the Monday night Karaoke scene downtown is pretty dead. Thank you, Bright Lady. She's settled on a few locations, which means I'm going drinking tomorrow night with people I don't know to please R. All in a days work. Hopefully I can find a gift for her as well.

Still stuck on the self-care issue. Hoping I can figure a solution to it. We'll see.

The writing assignment was done ahead of schedule. A rare first. It was fun listening in on a conversation about fake ID's and turning it into a 500 word soviet-era thriller. I think I'll like the course.

Listening to a lot of 'futureperfect' by VNV nation. It's definitely sparking me for ST. Hope it works out.

I need to find some spice for tea. Tea right now is difficult for me to drink properly because of my schedule. It deserves more respect than I've been able to give it, as does the company.

What does it say when one of the most delicious, tempestuous romances you've ever had has in effect never existed? Where does one put value on dreams?

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 20 December :: 11.36 am
:: Mood: sleepy

Unsurprisingly, it's been a long night. 1 suicide attempt, 1 fight, eggs all over dorm walls, and a truly countless barrage of people.

I have until 9 tomorrow to finish a 500 word piece for a class S roped me into...Again. This time it's dialouge writing. We'll see how it goes.

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 16 December :: 1.01 pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Signal to Noise; Peter Gabriel-UP

Shift's almost over. Lots of alcoholics, lots of drugs. No incidents, no troubles.

We were overburdened with staff, so that actually turned out well. Had my breaks on time, and at least half the load was taken off.

Spent some time today actually chatting with E. Cleared up some questions I had about a mutual friend, which only added to my angst. Fortunately, angst can always be solved with pink rabbits.

I am always in awe of the effect I have on others. I don't contribute much. In many cases, I rarely talk to these people. But ripples, good lord, there are ripples.

S. is sick. Hopefully she can make it to the weekend.

Lots to write tomorrow. Here's to hoping.

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 14 December :: 12.59 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Storm; Vanessa Mae

It doesn't let up.
The alcohol, the pot, the mess. It just never lets up. People with criminal intent hopping the fence when I send them away, countless kids destroying themselves. It's madness.

S is sick. Because of her massive pile, and because of her illness, I'm taking up a dialouge writing class. Turning an overheard dialouge about fake ID's into a conspiracy story should be fun. S also handed me a bounced check from one of my friends for an event. This is also tiring. I hate being the sledghammer for my friends. It drives me nuts. But here I am.

I'm still torn up about some issues involving love. How is it that I'm the 'safe' one to love? What draws them to me, when I can't return anything? For the people I'm solidly connected to, why do I find the ones that specialize in holding love back?

I just want to sleep. Real sleep. Preferrably the 12 hour kind. I'm tired of the smell of alcohol and pot and urine. The smell of Chicago's future.

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 14 December :: 12.45 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: brown cows

the world seems so weird right now
its like the times are shifting
like the suns in the wrong place
your name is something i cant recollect
but i remember your face
the world seems so strange right now
but everything remains the same
i dream about you day to day
but i still cant find your name
the world seems so odd right now
the people just don't understand
the world is spinning just as it should
but they see only what they can
the world is so errie right now
to take a walk down the street
to make eye contact with a single soul
one in which you'll never meet
the world is so cold right now
with hate i cant comprehend
the broken hearts of lovers world wide
and none in which i can mend
the world seems so empty right now
loneliness strikes them all
they know each other; many known well
but none worth of which to fall
the world seems so soft right now
with the lovers touch to ease
to find a calming scene in mind
like a warm summers breeze
the world seems so scary right now
familiarity doesn't exist
innocence is taken away too fast
from what started a simple kiss
the world seems so distant right now
the safety we can't find
the strangers can cling to one another
but the blind cant lead the blind
the world seems so magical right now
anything can be done
dreams can come true and we can conquer all
only if we have found the one
the world seems so perfect right now
the sky is as blue as it needs
peace and love exist everywhere
and evil is doing good deeds
the world seems to end right now
there's nothing more to say
inspiration only flows for so long
...until another day

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 11 December :: 8.24 am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: I grieve, UP remix; Peter Gabriel ]

Yesterday was...Odd.

It began with the weekly morning meeting. I get off at 6am, and the meeting begins at 7:30. What a waste. I've tried to assess why the meetings are late. Manager's excuse is that he lives far away, and the bus takes forever. We asked him to get a schedule. He demanded to know where he could find one. I sent him the web addresses of all the chicago transit companies. We're also going to be phased out of residence life and phased into public safety. That should be a treat.

The October 15 move he mentioned was not discussed. Odds are it won't occur.

He asked us our opinion on 16 year olds without ID. His response was traditionally lazy. All Manager does is react after the fact. There's no planning for the future. A statuatory rape charge and subsequent lawsuit is going to be a -big- issue.

I'm so very tired of this job. The students are abusive, and the management nonexistent. In order to bypass the budgetary problems, they've done the following:

1) The deadline for handing in an employee review is May 15. That way, payroll can be informed, and the salary adjusted by July 1. This is for all people working between January through march 1. I started Jan 2. My review was sent to me July 1. Sometime in the next two weeks, I might receive my review. I'm assuming the reason this was handled this way, was because no one expected employees in this department to stay past 6 months.

2) A management position was 'created' where 2 employees do Manager's job during the off shifts. No pay increase. After reading the Human Resources website, I realized this position has to be under the nose of HR. Woo-hoo.

So what do I do? Do I ask questions of HR in the hopes of action? Or do I slug through, and pray that one of my many job applications within the school bears fruit? Or do I do nothing, and wait to die?

Right now, I'm geared for option 3.

I don't want to see any of my friends. I don't want to see anyone. My life is a waste, and I can't do anything about it. Hopefully, S. will get her degree through this, and have the good sense to divorce me before I weigh her down. I just can't bear communicating with anyone. Nothing's going to change, and I'm just going to get worse. Why should anyone be near that?

Nonetheless, I'm forced into it.

R. came over yesterday out of the blue. I should have taken this as a warning. She came in, and I complained, and she broke into tears. She has a financial problem with the school that's keeping her from taking classes. She says she's wasted her life. It's an easy fix. Nonetheless, she needed friends, and I can help with that.

I was to meet D that night. It was supposed to be one on one, getting deep in conversation. I brough R along instead, and it worked out. I was still able to talk with D, my intimacy with R allowing a safe place with private conversation. R got to meet someone who knew writers and directors of X-files as well as she did. After the visit, came down to L's apartment, and gave her a hug, knowing instinctively that she had a rough day. She appreciated it, and we scheduled a meeting for next Tuesday. Next monday is R's birthday. We're going karaoke. Woot.

After we left the apartment, I talked with R, and she hugged me. It's hard being the person caring for another, especially when your own life is so messed up. Hopefully, I'll see her tomorrow before S.S. shows up.

Got home, and talked with S about her day. She's meeting with the major movers and shakers of her company, and it sounds like she made a fantastic impression. I rubbed her to sleep, and crashed on my own.

I don't know what to make of today. I don't know if R is going to still be in bad shape, and I don't know what S.S. will bring. We'll see.

I also found the secret ending to Kingdom Hearts. Wish I knew why Square would put something so wonderful into a game so mediocre. I'm not at a level of understanding, I guess.

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