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rina

:: 2006 13 June :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: why don't you do right? - rasputina

how could we know change was constant?
hesitations.
a fraction of how we used to be
is slipping into future conversations
slowly sabotaging our tongues into
forming half-meant words and
unknown emotions
and how are we fighting?
indifference and the smallest hint
of lacking any passion.
so this is how it will end,
in age-old arguments
and misinterpretations.
when we glimpsed our end
from the very very beginning,
who knew it would be so close?

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 12 June :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: hello resolven - beulah

kill of the king, kill off the queen. its over, its over, its over.
i love when your normal everyday friend becomes your must-tell-everything-to friend.

when you find some common, amazing interest that allows phone calls to end in bellows of laughter, and e-mails to be typed in all caps.

and you know without a doubt, that if you tell this person something,
they will not judge or ridicule you. they will keep what you say, and will cheer you up infinitely with the silliest words.

i'm so glad to have met you.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 8 June :: 1.55am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: gavottes i & ii - hagi, feat. furukawa nobuo

and the seasons went rolling into summer
i feel like there's this endless amount of hours i keep filling up with nothing. i'm already sick of the summer work for next year and i'm aching to get out of this place.

a few days ago i had this incredibly vivid dream where one of my bottom teeth cracked and fell apart. i put the pieces in my hand and was distressed about it. when i went to show my mother my misfortune, she replied that there wasn't really anything she could do about it, and that i should've gone to the dentist straight away.

i was clearly upset with her reasoning and began arguing over ridiculous things, most of them i have a hard time remembering.
it was really frustrating, the entire dream, and when i woke up i was left with this kind of festering anger, like when you fight with someone right before you go to sleep.

except in the middle of the day, after i woke up, i was eating cereal and realized that i did in fact have all of my teeth.
the thought of missing my tooth just carried over into my actual life and i just kind of.. accepted it.

i'm having a hard time sleeping, again, which is entirely aggravating since i'm not under huge amounts of stress at all. i wake up, read a bit, do some photoshop, and clean up around the house.


also, congratulations planet! you survived 6-6-06.
i didn't think anything would happen, but apparently a lot of people thought satan was going to eat their children.
good lord.

1 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 21 May :: 10.47am
:: Mood: content

so,
yesterday was one of the best birthdays that i have ever had.

2 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 14 May :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: dawn - p&p

h-h-h-heartattack!
i don't think i will ever be content with what i do.
i was painting today,
and i was cursing my hands.
everytime i create something, i have this innate ability to make myself think its absolutely hideous.
ie: my latest painting. (this is a much larger version.)
i think its, well,
awful. on many kinds of levels.
its 9x12 and oil. and hideous.

the only thing i like doing anymore is writing, and i'm not even good at it.

5 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 10 May :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: your hands are cold - p&p

tissue decay
look alive.
heavy breathing and swollen eyes.
[this is your life]
past regrets,
symantics.
somethinganythingeverything
your heart is dying.
can't you tell?
slowing pumps, restless beats,
tear streaks.
its the end of days,
of hours and seconds, melted and twined
blind;
your heart is dying, can't you tell?

2 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


dreamiecloud

:: 2006 4 May :: 4.57pm

im sorry i hurt you.
cheating on you was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
i love you so much. i hate that i hurt you like this.
i dont think there is any convincing you to come back, that breaks my heart.
i hate smiling and trying to be funny and happy when i just want to lie in bed and cry because i am such a terrible person.
i want you here with me. i dont want us to hurt anymore.
i want you to trust me, because you can. i never lied when i told you how much i loved you, or that i would stay with you through college. you are the only one i want.
right now it feels like i can't live without you. an over dramatization, yes. but, i can't breathe when i think that you wont be calling me just to say good morning or goodnight anymore.
ill forget the way you smell and the way it feels to hold your hand, the freckles you have on your back.
i miss the way it feels when you smile at me. or when i hug and kiss you.
i cant do this. i dont want to.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 3 May :: 8.06pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: rue des cascades - yann tiersen

distraction is our middle name
abstraction;
loose philosophies,
archaic prophecies,
another way to dig (hide) ourselves deeper.
isolated, insulated,
we're wishing for something keener
than what we can handle.
foreign tongues and ladder rungs,
endless theories on the making of the world and
we still can't figure each other out.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 30 April :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: nauseated
:: Music: trouble sleeping - the perishers

i'm having trouble breathing
i cannot handle this.
i cannot handle this.
i cannot handle this.


i thought i could.
and now i'm left with stupid fucking pressure and stupid writings,
and i'm just so, so stupid.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


dreamiecloud

:: 2006 26 April :: 4.25pm

here is the moment where i am so scared of the future.
it hurt to kiss you today. that feeling has never been amplified like this for me.
we both knew it was coming, that this had to happen. the aspect of our future being brought up.
and now im upset because you couldnt reassure me.
but i am glad you didnt. you didnt make promises you cant keep. you said you were scared too. it made the situation real and i am glad for it.
8 hours is a long drive
summer is the test and i hope we pass.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 25 April :: 7.52pm
:: Music: echo - the hush sound

prologue
this is your life. you have a decent family and a decent future.
you have a sister who hates you because you're a little bit smarter. a little bit better. you have a brother who looks up to you. you hate that he thinks he will ever be better than the world. you want to scream at him about how unfair life in general is.

you're not fat, and you're not thin. you think you might be healthy, if you just got enough sleep once in a while. you're nocturnal. you know its your own fault, and maybe if you didn't piss off the afternoons you wouldnt have to work so late.

you pass out when it becomes even remotely silent.
you hate your predictability.

when you eat you make good choices most of the time. when you don't eat you challenge yourself to see how long you can last. its never long enough, no matter how many times you try.

you don't like a whole lot of things, but when you find something that you have a chance of loving, you attach yourself to it until it stops breathing. you hate opinions.

you want to tell your best friend the deepest, darkest, most secret part of yourself, but you don't want their image of you to change that drastically. sometimes you think best friends are overrated anyway.

you have these distinctive habits, like little routines throughout your day, and whenever someone catches on, you wish they were never looking in the first place.

you don't imagine you will ever be great or dramatic or well-known. you continue to believe that your birth has not and will not affect the earth. your timeline is your own, and sometimes you hate hate hate it.

the way everyone has to be so controversial about everything makes you sick. opinions are opinions are opinions. everyone and their selfish, righteous selves will forever be arguing about anything interesting.
things, you think, are only interesting when they are debateable. you can't imagine someone fully believing the earth is the center of the galaxy anymore.

you knowingly sabotage yourself. you wish you could be a little more demanding and determined, but you continue with your life in a passive and indifferent state.

when you close your eyes you see impossible scenes. they are vivid and real and rich in detail. they are excessively morbid, and you wish you could paint well enough to get it out of you.

you hate catch-phrases. you use made-up catch-phrases. you hate them.

you have a passion for writing. you like having subjects and verbs collide and form pleasing structures. whenever you re-read anything, you wish you weren't so young or naive.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 18 April :: 12.29am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: x & y - coldplay

you and me are floating on a tidal wave together
i have been having these incredibly vivid dreams.
they are so detailed and perfectly played out that i continually wake up believing whatever i dreamed of was absolutely without-a-doubt real.

and lately, they've been getting so bizarre,
twisted and strange,
and just this morning i dreamt that i woke up from a very realistic dream, looked at my alarm clock, and felt terrible because it was blinking a digital and red 12:38 pm at me.

a few seconds/minutes/hours later, i woke up thinking it was past noon.
except it was actually around ten o'clock in the morning.

i've decided that waking up from a dream, in a dream, and then actually waking up is terribly disconcerting.
i hope it doesnt happen again any time soon.

1 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 12 April :: 1.35am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: sanctuary - utada hikaru

battle scenes
she's lost her spark!, they say
as she puts on display
tired eyes from sleepless nights

she sees things backwards
twisted inversely, perhaps nervously
and slowly she admits she's ever-straining

waxing, waning, she's continually changing
gibbous to crescent, always past, never present
she's losing the fight, deciding it's right
to give up, give in; she'll never win.

2 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 11 April :: 10.44pm
:: Mood: uncreative
:: Music: passion - utada hikaru

my heart's a battleground
oh you know what they say,
about how loose lips sink ships
well baby, this sail's set for south
and i'm not waiting for your breathless reply.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 3 April :: 2.04am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: lilium [opening version] - konishi kayo, etc.

et lingua eius loquetur indicium
i've discovered only recently,
that i might just have chronic insomnia.
i've looked through a written journal of mine and found entries about lack of sleep as far back as before april of last year.
how depressing.

it has also come to my attention that while my mother is nice, productive, etc,
i'd like her a lot better if she didn't ever speak.

i might be taking up to five ap courses next year, excluding a semester of calculus at the college.
i loathe that i feel obligated to do these ridiculous academic endeavors, for everyone's benefit but my own.
i'm seriously considering going to a college in switzerland. it's located in an italian villa and seems nearly perfect.
the only problem is that it does not offer one of the majors i'd like.
too bad, i suppose.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 30 March :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: rin'ne - konishi kayo & kondoo yukio

mostly i'm wising for a change of seasons
drabble. l/v. set season two. logan pov.

logan was strolling through the hallway (a-books-barely-held-shoulders-slumped-reckless-abandon) when the tips of their shoulders shocked against each other, a high voltage touch of defense.

her head turned oh so slowly, her mouth forming apologetic phrasings until blue crashed with blue and her pupils dilated. her almost-formed-words escaped her lips as an angry breath and began to create a senseless pattern of cutting phrases.

he shrugged them off and left equally jagged and hurtful parting words that he really really wanted to mean. he wanted to enjoy the salt-on-your-wounds and sarcasm-as-a-spear devastation. though deep down he didn't much care for this charade-facade-masquerade-play they were constantly taking part in.

what drama, he thinks. as if life had anything other to offer him than senseless plots and painful suspicions.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 26 March :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: an englishman - the kings of convenience

god turn me to stone
religion is the root of mankind's dependability.
we need something to blame, something to reason, something to be absolutely consistent.

if life just so happens to fuck you sideways, well, it was all in the name of a plan laid out for just you. your decision from this terrible experience will shape you as a human being and you will join society with a riveting tale of trials and tribulations and oh! what an outstanding and good-moraled person you are. all thanks to allah. or jesus or whatever.

as of now, the only thing i can believe in is balance.
not necessarily good and evil fighting tooth and claw for their dominance in the universe;
more like,
what happens to you is what happens to everybody.
congratulations, you were handed the short end of the stick. and now, with this ordeal finished, it can continue on its way, leaving in its wake something you can only describe as increasingly good luck; when in fact its the absence of the dear old karma that was present.

truth be told, i could be absolutely full of shit.
but this is where i am at right now.
this is where i will stand in my beliefs until my life indicates that i should open my mind to other possibilities.

1 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 23 March :: 10.46pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: zerospace - kidney theives

i fucking hate this.
i fucking hate you and your ridiculous restrictions.



way to go life,
thanks for the great fucking times.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 21 March :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: elephant woman - blonde redhead

there is no superiority, there is only capability.

glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings


rina

:: 2006 18 March :: 12.50am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: plus d'hiver - yann tiersen

i'm so tired of never sleeping
insomnia's so bad i almost broke down.
five days awake, and my eyes feel like they're going to bleed.
i'm having very small 5-7 minute narcoleptic fits, i suppose. i keep missing tiny chunks of my time, and its terribly annoying.

but i'm glad i have a friend,
who will sit with me through all of my fifth period,
skipping his class so he can make sure i get some sleep.
then taking me to get some pancakes after school,
because they are my ultimate cheering up food.
(:

technically,
i can use the term 'clinically insane' on myself,
since such sleep deprivation can lead to insanity or brain disorders.


in all seriousness though, i hope to sleep tonight,
because i'm going to the king tut exhibition tomorrow morning.

2 | glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings

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