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The poems to come are for you and for me and are not for mostpeople.

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:: 2004 23 October :: 12.15 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: dashboard confessional - hands down

so it is fair for me to say FUCK YOU because to me , it's still your song ? i hate that you can't change the past because i'll never know how different things would be now if things didn't go the way they did . somehow my mind starts drifting around mid-december to a time i wish i couldn't remember but somehow can never seem to forget . therefore ... FUCK YOU . because to me , it's still your song .

1 lover | i love susan.

:: 2004 10 October :: 10.31 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: beatles - maxwell's silver hammer


The simple fact is, in order to be happy:


Yep. Isn't that aggravating? You can't blame it on anyone else, and no one else can do a thing for you. You've just got to decide to be happy, whether or not your logical mind thinks it is rational to be happy and whether or not your moral sense thinks you deserve to be happy. You absolutely will not be happy for any length of time until you decide to, and if you decide to, you can be happy in the face of the most miserable circumstances.

Happy deciding.

i love susan.

:: 2004 16 September :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
:: Music: andy c.

susanis a winner (10:07:41 PM): i like smoking pot after sx
susanis a winner (10:07:43 PM): *sex
susanis a winner (10:07:47 PM): it's the best thing in the world
susanis a winner (10:07:49 PM): mmm
ruthann561 (10:07:54 PM): what?
ruthann561 (10:08:26 PM): umm... wrong im?
susanis a winner (10:08:31 PM): hahahahaha
susanis a winner (10:08:32 PM): oh my god
ruthann561 (10:08:34 PM): please?
susanis a winner (10:08:34 PM): i wish i was dead
ruthann561 (10:09:29 PM): first of all, i dont need to know about ur sex preferences... second of all, i really dont need to know u still smoke pot after this summer.... but thanks anyway... (although i am here for you should u want to talk about it)
susanis a winner (10:10:34 PM): okay
susanis a winner (10:10:38 PM): this conversation is very over
susanis a winner (10:10:42 PM): it was a very big mistake
susanis a winner (10:10:50 PM): haha don't go tell mom
susanis a winner (10:13:58 PM): damn
susanis a winner (10:14:04 PM): and we never talk online either
susanis a winner (10:14:56 PM): um
ruthann561 (10:14:59 PM): hah... imagine if this happened more often
susanis a winner (10:15:01 PM): so are you just not going to answer ?
susanis a winner (10:15:07 PM): oh phew
susanis a winner (10:15:08 PM): oh man
susanis a winner (10:15:09 PM): listen
susanis a winner (10:15:15 PM): that was a terrible mistake that we never need to discuss

OH MY GOD I WISH I WAS DEAD . if only you knew my sister and you would understand the TRUE NATURE of this horrible incident .

1 lover | i love susan.

:: 2004 11 September :: 1.42 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: alicia keys - if i ain't got you

so it all boils down to the four magical m's and i guess that's all i really need to make me happy ...

"some people want it all , but i don't want nothing at all if it ain't you . some people want diamond rings . some just want everything , but everything means nothing if i ain't got you . "

1 lover | i love susan.

:: 2004 10 September :: 12.05 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: maroon 5 - sunday morning

" ... but things just get so crazy , living life gets hard to do ... "

she told me i live my life as if there were a big suitcase on the floor , only i don't know what's inside and i'm afraid there may be something in there i don't like , so i leave it lying there and just step over it everytime i come across it , ignoring what's inside . and she said to me , " you have to open that suitcase . you have to face reality ."

i love susan.

:: 2004 26 August :: 8.48 pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: family guy

susanis a winner (8:40:17 PM): oh man
susanis a winner (8:40:20 PM): if you think you love me now
susanis a winner (8:40:25 PM): just wait until sunday rolls around .
--------- (8:40:30 PM): rolls!
--------- (8:40:32 PM): on sunday!
susanis a winner (8:40:33 PM): no no no
--------- (8:40:36 PM): woo!
susanis a winner (8:40:39 PM): that has nothing to do with this
susanis a winner (8:40:40 PM): hahaha

1 lover | i love susan.

:: 2004 8 August :: 5.37 pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: counting crows ft. vanessa carlton - big yellow taxi

it's like a silent retaliation . an answer to the questions you're yelling at me ... only you'll never hear it , just like you never hear my responses , whether they're said calmly or furiously or frustrated or beautiful and silent . so take this , plus the two from last night , and ignore them because you'll never understand . and forget that i sat and smiled even though you didn't call me down when the guests of honor arrived , and forget that i have barely left the house . notice , instead , that i'm watching television . ask me why the sudden change , although it's neither sudden nor a huge change ; if anything , a return to what used to be . describe to me my value in the fewest amount of words possible . encourage my artistic side . shoot down with filthy words my latest journals or visions of the future . dirty the purest thing i have with your selfish , inconsiderate , rude , unnecessary comments ... i can take it . just leave me the two things i have because it's all i need , and next time you see me comfortable on the couch , be sure to take into account everything i said today , if you ever do take the time to listen .

i love susan.

:: 2004 8 August :: 4.31 am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: norah jones - don't know why

when you called today , it made me so happy . you're all i see ... everything around you is a blur . you're all i can focus on .

i love susan.

:: 2004 27 July :: 9.47 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: joss stone - the chokin' kind

sometimes some things make you unsure about whether the little things tell everything or don't really tell anything at all ... and sometimes you just don't know which way you'd prefer it to be . lo mas dificil es estar peleando para quedarte donde estas y estar feliz con lo que ya tienes pero la gente que tienes te manda mas y mas lejos con cada dia y al mismo tiempo tienes el otro lado jalandote con toda fuerzo y mil llamadas pa' ya. y para que pelear si aya es mejor en todos los sentidos ? cuando estoy aqui me quiero irme y cuando estoy aya no quiero ni pensar en lo que me esta esperando aqui . las razones se quitan una por una y todas las aciones de ellos despruevan todo lo que estoy usando para convencerme que aqui hay algo con que quedarme ... por mi , lo tengo todo decidido , pero por ellos no ... pero al fin , por quien es que voy a vivir mi vida ?

2 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2004 7 June :: 5.49 pm
:: Mood: amazed !
:: Music: ed rush and optical with skibadee and shabba - live at one nation

man ... if this isn't paradise i don't know what is ... free vegetables and incredibly cheap coca-cola ? all i need now is my amazing boyfriend and a few of my best friends and i'd never leave ... but as it is , even cheap medicine is not enough to keep me away from them . too bad , too . haha <3

i love susan.

:: 2004 25 May :: 12.11 pm
:: Mood: eating
:: Music: ludacris - game got switched

asexualityrocks (11:50:12 AM): i love manny
asexualityrocks (11:50:16 AM): like all of my friends are in love with him asexualityrocks (11:50:17 AM): and i love it

susanis a winner (11:50:33 AM): haha we always have like the same conversation .

asexualityrocks (11:50:45 AM): i know!!!

susanis a winner (11:50:56 AM): it's like "Hey what's up ?" "rolling a blunt" "smoke it with me !" "come up here , you guys can stay in my room " "alright , we'll come up tomorrow"

asexualityrocks (11:51:02 AM): its like: susan: So manny pot pot pot ?? and manny: SUSAN! Pot pot pot pot !!
asexualityrocks (11:51:27 AM): susan: pot is so amazing!! manny: What are you saying? i'm too high to understand you

i love susan.

:: 2004 24 May :: 1.49 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: shuffle on my winamp playlist

Instructions :

Step One : Put all your MP3s on your winamp playlist , press shuffle , and record the first few lines of the first twenty songs .

Step Two : Find better things to do so you can stop doing fucking stupid online journal shit .

1. 586 - So , so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell ? Blue skies from pain ?

2. 629 - I saw an old man on a street . He was in a dumpster looking for something to eat .

3. 249 - Good morning , sunshine . Awake when the sun hits the sky .

4. 266 - All alone in a broken world . Finding a new place to start .

5. 529 - Para bailar la bamba , para bailar la bamba se necesito un poca de gracia .

6 . 301 - It's yet to be determined , but the air is thick , and my hope is feeling warm .

7. 656 - There is a steel train coming through . I would take it if i could .

8. 407 - So what's the point ? To stay away ? It hurts the same .

9. 146 - Oh , as I sit under this weeping willow tree , pain and sorrow is all I feel .

10. 420 ! - When you have no light to guide you , and no one to walk beside you , I will come to you , ohh , come to you .

11. 583 - Oh I'm so glad , you know , they've all just gone home , cause finally we're here alone at last .

12. 237 - It began in Africa-ca-ca-ca-ca . It began in Africa-ca-ca-ca-ca.

13. 704 - Con unas ancias locas quiero verte hoy . Espero eso momento en que escuche tu voz .

14. 735 - Niggas ain't fuckin with this , originalis . Beats ain't bangin like this .

15. 531 - Turn it inside out so I can see the part of you that's drifting over me .

16. 865 - Do you believe ?

17. 218 - Saw it on the television . Heard it on the radio . This , in truth , is not yet the end .

18. 128 - And here's to you , Mrs. Robinson . Jesus loves you more than you will know . Oh-oh-oh .

19. 459 - Let me be patient . Let me be kind . Make me unselfish , without being blind .

20. 12 - Chelsea , baby , let's run away to some third world country .

1 lover | i love susan.

:: 2004 23 May :: 10.01 pm
:: Mood: decisive
:: Music: hoobastank - the reason

in the back of my mind , i'm thinking infiniti SUVs and nordstrom shopping sprees , which is , essentially , what i know of him , unless you count the two point five second witty replies that first made him not so crazy and made it okay to give him my phone number . but sprawled on the couch at eleven thirteen in the morning , waiting for the food to get here so i can say my goodbyes and my thank yous and my "see you next friday"s , i'm hoping he's working on this sunny saturday morning so i have an excuse not to see him . i'm thinking , your hair is everywhere , we are sweaty because the air conditioning is one of the many things currently under repair , you have a five o'clock shadow , or is it eleven o'clock ? , and that look you're giving me , that i catch you giving me from the corner of my eye when the beat is crazy and i'm on the dance floor giving it my all , is enough to make me want to stay here forever . i'm working it all out , figuring i can wear the same outfit if i just wash it enough , and i can get a new job and go shopping eventually . i'll stay in this house , even though there's no toilet paper , and i'll just use her towel when i shower . every little thing will be alright . what will i be missing ? nice dinners and backseat dvds , and delicious desserts in spacious apartments and maybe a house . and then somebody comes downstairs and laughs at you but you smile and admit "esta chica me tiene reventado" and there's not even so much as a question anymore . just hand it to me so i can add to the dark circles and have enough energy to grab my phone and tell my mother to forward my mail . i keep wanting to translate this song and send it to you but i keep putting it off , so here is the first part ... maybe eventually i'll get up the courage to follow through .

No soy persona perfecta
Hay muchas cosas que quisieria no hacer
Pero sígo aprendiendo
Nunca quise hacerte esas cosas
Entonces te tengo que decír antes de írme que solo quiero que sepas

Encontre una razón para mi
Para cambiar la persona que era
Una razón para empezar de nuevo
Y tu eres la razón

Perdoname por herírte
Es algo que siempre voy a tener en la mente
Y todo el dolor que te e traído
Quisiera poder llevarmelo todo
Y ser la que te limpia todas tus lagrimas
Por eso necesito que

Encontre una razón para mi
Para cambiar la persona que era
Una razón para empezar de nuevo
Y tu eres la razón

Y tu eres la razón

No soy persona perfecta
Nunca quise hacerte todo eso
Entonces te tengo que decir antes de irme
Que solo quiero que sepas

Encontre una razón para mi
Para cambiar la persona que era
Una razón para empezar de nuevo
Y tu eres la razón

Encontre una razón para demonstrar
Una parte de mi que no conosiste
Una razón por todo lo que ago
Y tu eres la razón

i love susan.

:: 2004 17 May :: 2.45 am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: pendulum ft. lisa lind - back to you

but i KNOW the secret . it is not , however , two sandwiches at 11:30 and a bowl of cereal accompanied by a salad at 11:05 . it is quite the opposite , actually , but the secret part two is contradicting , so where do i stand ? stuggling to fulfill part two while part one lies abandoned , but not forgotten . ignored , but creeping around in the back of my mind , skulking , annoying , challenging me to somehow rid myself of its presence because it knows that i cannot . it knows that i am past that stage where parts one and two are so happily intertwined , so easy to learn . instead , i am older and wiser , but somewhere along the way , i forgot how to make it all work together . or maybe i just gave up on trying to .

i love susan.

:: 2004 17 May :: 2.39 am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: pendulum ft. lisa lind - back to you

if it ever even mattered at all , i should have known that it wouldn't in the future . the signs were there but i ignored them . the signs still are but i continue to and it just makes the hard things even harder . and i don't know how long it will be before i rip myself away , or if i ever will fully , but i hope it's soon so that i can tell myself that the future is brighter , starting right now . step one . try and get an earlier start to bed so there is less thinking going on . step two . pray that it doesn't take over my dreams , because i was never one to handle nightmares . there is so much i want to tell you but i know that i'll always just say it's nothing . i don't know why you don't know that i lie to you . i wish you could hear just one of the practiced conversations alone in my car , where i tell you what you've always done to me and what i've watched you do to me with that same smile i watch everything with . with that smile that doesn't look anything like the one that he sees , but he doesn't matter anymore , because i pushed him away when i realized he wasn't like the rest of them . when i realized that i would never sit and write an entry about why i would be better off without him in regards to my happiness , which i've always thought was my own personal goal , above anything else . it's the tears that decipher what you really mean when you say what you do , and what runs through your head when your eyes are shut tightly is always what you should pursue . if you don't start somewhere , you'll never get anywhere , so here goes step one .

i love susan. | Random Journal