A few weeks ago James took me to Disneyland and Universal Studios. I got picked for the wand ceremony at Harry Potter World. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful trip. Everything about it was perfect.
I'm back now. I went to Kirkland then came home again. Now I'm bored. I've been looking for a job for ages. Nothing really suits me here. All that vacation wonder is gone and all I want is to get out... Get out of regular, boring life... Do something exciting. I have an interview in 2 weeks. What the hell do I do with my time? I'm tired of going through boxes.
I have to stop expending my energy on people who don't deserve it.
It's been two years since that interaction occurred. I just learned about it and not from you. It was pure coincidence that I learned about it. You have never told me about it. You expressly hid it because you knew how I would "react." I've put so much into you. I've loved you like a sister. But you're damaged as fuck, looking for sexual attention from anyone you can and it ends up being a betrayal of everything we've had... everything we've shared. And never telling me about it? And me helping you so much directly after that? Years after that? Because I never knew about it. Because I thought you were a real friend. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucked up life and your fucked up family. I don't care anymore. Don't expect a fucking explanation. Piss off.
And you? Everything you have ever said to me was an insult. No one likes you for good damn reasons. You fuck everyone you've ever known. I've tried so hard to be understanding of your situation. I've tried so hard to be there for her and for you and also to be there for you emotionally, as a crutch but you never take responsibility for any of your bullshit. You just continue to fuck up and I deal with it. You never take responsibility for the problems you cause - the things you say or do - and it's not my damn job to forgive all of the mistakes you keep making. I'm your enabler. No fucking more.
Why do I keep becoming attached to little puppy dogs who need my help? Why do I feel like I can save them or change them to help them help themselves? Why do people who I put so much into continue to let me down and abuse my love? Why do people I love keep on taking advantage of me?
I'm not fucking with this anymore. I have enough good friends to not need bad ones.
After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.
I always feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with. I'm always wearing a mask. I can't be myself ever. One thing or another comes up that makes it clear that I was never really welcome at all.
And almost everyone I open myself up to, at some point, stops caring.
I've been visiting my Grandmother with my Mom this week. She teaches me many new things and reminds me of many things I've learned before:
Be vigilant with patience. You can never be too patient around her.
It's okay to feel what you want to feel but don't be consumed by it. She has overcome so much in her life and I hope she can be happy about that. I'm certainly proud of her.
Be compassionate and kind above all else. Let the people you love let know you love them and love spending time with them.
I am lucky and blessed to still have my Grammie. I treasure the time I've gotten to spend with her on this trip and throughout my whole life. I am very thankful to bond with my Mother as well. It has been a wonderful time, one which I hope to remember forever.
Lately from them and from some other people in my life, I have been hearing alot of "I really enjoy being with you." And "I'm so happy you came." And other similar things. Initially I always feel surprised by it due to some negative experiences I've had where people have told me otherwise... but it is beginning to sink in that I am a good friend and person and I do make other peoples' lives better by expressing my care. I am warmed by this beautiful feeling of welcomeness and love. It helps me see that this world isn't such a dark place after all. Something I need to remember, especially before such a difficult day for me.
Had a great weekend on the west side. I miss my coworkers. It was nice hanging out with some of them at the baby shower. I really miss M most of all, honestly. Every time I talk to M I feel reassured that I was good at my job. If only they didn't leave and could have been in my corner... maybe I wouldn't have left.
I loved driving that little hatchback rental car. It was so fun and fast and responsive to my touch. I love my car, don't get me wrong... I just would love for it to pickup a little faster.
I had a beautiful day with a beautiful friend, teacher, and mentor. It's been pretty shitty since I got here, but mostly that was fabricated in my head. I love my family and friends. I love that I can count on them for support.
I never needed to come home. I just thought I wanted to. I think I'll do fine here... I just have to change my mindset from feeling like a teenager in my parents' place to feeling like an adult who is still in charge of her own destiny.
There was nothing causing this to happen. I didn't fall on hard times. I was never forced to do anything. I could have stayed there far longer. I could have probably got on the management track. But honestly, I think regrouping and deciding on a different course, one I will enjoy more, is going to be far better for me in the long-run.
There was no doubt, but just to reiterate, I'll be okay.
Rape isn't funny. It not only is a vile act that happens all the time and that completely destroys the life of the victim, making jokes about it lessens it's impact, making it harder to be taken seriously and making it more difficult for victims to speak out for fear of victim blaming.
Don't make rape jokes or laugh at rape jokes if you want me to think you're a good person.
It would be so easy and freeing to slip into madness... Life is becoming far more surreal and less tangible than before. It's hard to judge what matters and whether societal constructs like consequences are even possible or are just in my head.
Sometimes I have guilt for arguing and exploding but in all actuality I'm not angry at all and have no idea why I perpetuate all the bullshit that I do.