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2018 31 December :: 12.14pm
:: Music: Eric Clapton - Old Love
Happy New Year's Eve!
Greetings and welcome to the ending of the end of the year!
I would love to say 2018 was a momentous and eventful year, whether the events be good or bad, but in truth - not much happened. I rode my bike a lot. Paid someone to paint my house. Hosted the shit outta MCYPAA. Played a fair amount of drums.
Nothing earth-shattering.
Weight loss was probably the one goal I had for the year that failed utterly. Oh well. I tried hard. I'm giving myself a break for a bit.
Moving forward, I'm going to practice being a bit more selective about the things I say yes to. I keep booking myself for all this shit, and just wearing myself out. Expect a lot more music and recording stuff, and a little less AA service. I'm not quitting AA or anything, but I was a busy little beaver this year, and it was a bit too much. Went to a few meetings this weekend that I haven't hit in awhile. It was refreshing to see a lot of new faces in those places, and nice to reconnect with some people I hadn't seen in awhile.
One new thing I'm starting is a podcast!
That's what brought me to woohu today, actually. As I was sitting here thinking "fuck, where the hell am I going to host this thing?" it struck me that I ALREADY HAVE A WEB PAGE (spoiler alert, it's this one). I also remembered that I had a dummy gmail account I made like 10 years ago. Some college friends were going to be making a webseries, and they cast me to play one of the characters. The project never got off the ground, but his google presence lives on, and "Dustin" has 15GB of drive storage just sitting there empty.
So, thanks to the magnanimous Mr. Nash, and our good Mr. Andy, I would also like to welcome you to the new home of the as-yet-unnamed podcast I'm starting. When will there be updates? How will we track metrics and monetize our listenership? What will we do when we run out of storage on Dustin's google drive? These are all questions I will disregard for now and leave for my future self to contend with. SUCK IT, FUTURE ME!!!
crossposting generates hits, right? gimme dat viral content!
Tried breathing while I was putting on my shoes last night, and now my back is sore #sothisis32 CHEERS!
Maybe it's morbid to talk about, but at one point, my plan was to be dead by 30. I don't know, it was a nice round number that seemed so unimaginably OLD when I picked it. The concept of "live fast; die young" was quite romantic at the time. I am very grateful that the universe has something better in mind for me, and that I'm able to share my bonus time with you fine folks. It's all gravy from here on out! or icing on the cake...
Okay, those two metaphors sound gross when you mix them. But you get what I'm saying ;)
I don't like my job.
I've given it some time. I don't like my job.
It's just okay. It doesn't pay me what I think would be suitable to drive out there every weekday. Maybe if I had 1 more dollar an hour...
It doesn't really feel "beneath" me but I feel like I was lied to. They said it wasn't a call center. It basically is but with email, and I learned just today, some phone calls (usually if you're speaking to someone who is older who doesn't really get the point of email).
This company has acquired so many other companies in the past that their system is pretty screwy. There are tons of ways to get the information you want and they try and teach you all of them, rather than just teaching you the one, most efficient way. I get that some people might like to do things differently but if they just start at the job, surely the most efficient way is the better way for them to learn on?
My coworkers and bosses are dope and the environment is dope. Everyone has been super welcoming and they feed us all the time and do fun events like picnics and water balloon fights and egg races... But they don't like marijuana at all as they're not based in Washington. They drug test more than once and it's not a good idea to talk about with coworkers. That's something I don't want to jive with.
I probably could stay there for a long time. I probably could stay there the rest of my life and I'd earn enough to live in the Spokane area. But I don't want to. Because it feels pretty soul-sucking... They lied about it not really being sales too. I am doing support but if there are opportunities, we should be up selling. There are competitions to up sell. I don't believe in the work. There's nothing positive or helpful about my job other than I make people more money. I don't feel fulfilled.
They also do charities. Yesterday was my best day at work so far because a pet rescue was there and they had doggies and kitties. And after 30 years I finally have figured out my dream job - rescuing and rehabilitating dogs. Can I do that? I doubt it. There's prob not enough money in it to live on. I'm going to try to look it up though. See what kind of non-profit funding I can find.
So anyways, I am going to start looking for something else. But the only thing that's bad about a full-time job is that you don't have any energy to do things like looking for a different job in your off time.
When you're young, you find all these people to do things with. Your parents might set you up on play dates. Eventually school leads to more friends and you are able to get along and live your life with others.
At some point you realize all those people hate you or worse, don't think about you what-so-ever.
Sometimes I think about what would happen if I died unnaturally... If I was attacked and murdered or if I committed suicide. I think about how those people might think of me, at least for a little bit. But then I remember that they wouldn't be thinking fondly of me. They would either pity me or they would use my death to impress others. "Oh woe is me, my 'friend' is dead. Please give me attention." Then in a few days when that attention has run out, they'd go right back to forgetting I existed.
I have been forgotten maybe 5 times by this group of people that I see every week. 5 times that I know about anyways - there are probably far more.
Then all those other people I was thinking might be my friends are really only acquaintances... friends of 'friends'... or 'friends' I had when I was in high school. People who continue not to think of me.
I think about the people I've called my friends before. I constantly think about them. I wonder how they are doing. Sometimes I'll ask them. When I do, they give me short answers and don't ask me any questions. Or, I assume they don't want to hear from me because they haven't said hello to me in the last 5 years.
It's not other people's jobs to reach out. It should be mine. If I want to see someone, I should reach out. I did that for a long time. I was the only person who contacted the people in my life for months and months. And then I stopped. I stopped being the only one to work for it. And you know what? No one messaged me. No one texted. No one called. No one attempted to contact me in any way. Except for 1 person...
There are maybe 7 people I would say that have reciprocated anything with me in the last few years. 1 of those people manipulates me and makes me feel bad to no end. 1 of those people only ever talks about herself and has used every opportunity to make every event we've ever had together about her. 1 of those people has stopped talking to me full-stop for no reason I have caused (and people say no reason when they don't know but I know that it's no reason because the last couple convos we've had have been just fine). 2 of those people have not hung out with me unless I have initiated it but they sometimes will text me and of course will hang out with others. 1 of those people has severe social anxiety so we barely hang out. I don't blame her for this because she can't help it and she has always tried to check in with me.
And James is the 1 person who has consistently tried to actively be in my life... out of any of my friends. The only one who has called or texted or made plans with me on a consistent basis.
We're old now. It's harder to be friends with people because we don't see them every day at school. People have things that stop them from spending time with you like children or work or distance. I hate feeling like the victim of circumstances that are no one else's responsibility.
But when we collectively talk about plans as a group and you're the only one who isn't invited on a day that was not planned, intentional or not, it fucking sucks.
I have my parents here. I have my boyfriend there. I have my brother there. Anywhere I am, I will miss someone. Anywhere I choose, I'll be lonely.
